Sometimes when you get angry, you want to punch someone. A half naked man during a wrestling session, preferably. Might as well make it as sexy as possible.
You know the famous tipping point? Well, today I reached it. I hardly ever get angry. It’s really really difficult to make me angry. When I reach a certain point though I get really angry. Today I was angry.
I had yet another chiropractic appointment this morning. My chiropractor is great. Apart from cracking my back he’s doing dry needling on fibrous tissue buildup in the muscles in my arms and back. He also does massage. The thing is, this is very, very painful. When I first started doing acupuncture, massage and chiro, I promised myself I’d never scream. Today I screamed.
Sometimes I don’t know how to get through these treatments, they leave me feeling weak and shaken. They also leave me in a lot better shape. However, I’ve never experienced pain like that before, apart from tearing a ligament in my knee. And it’s a rattling experience. Sometimes I just want to break down and cry, but I don’t do that. I just don’t do that. That’s probably why I have fibrous tissue buildup, because that’s how I deal with pain. So maybe it’s time to cry. On the upside it’s left me less scared of childbirth. Childbirth will probably be more painful and last a lot longer than a 15-60 minute session with needles, but at least I know I can survive pain.
So, today I got through this treatment thinking I was off to little Angels afterwords to see the kids. I knew I would be showered and hugs and the world be alright. I arrived, I was greeted with the love I am normally greeted with. I got my hugs. And then just when I was about to leave I realized one of the kids had what looked like a tumor the size of half an orange on his head. It’s a kid I don’t know, because he wasn’t there last year. Apparently, his relatives told the principal he fell 3 weeks ago and they have promptly failed to take him to the doctor and failed to bring his proof of birth, so we can take him to the local health center. The principal said that if they fail to bring his proof of birth tomorrow, she would force them to take him to the doctor.
Being me, I couldn’t live with the fact that this kid had something that could potentially put pressure on his head, i.e. his brain, and that could cause damage at any time. So I decided to take him to the proper doctor then and there. That’s to say I was willing to pay to make sure the kids was alright. So I took him to the doctor, who gave us something to refer him to the hospital. Then I came back to Little Angels and one of the teacher’s kids was sick. She has problems with wounds all over her legs, and visited a hospital last week but the treatment didn’t help. So one look at her mother’s worried face, I decided to take her to the doctor. The teachers and their kids are like my family. So back we went.
Then, as we came back I was standing with her and the twins talking to one person who’s been helping out at Little Angels about the land – we are trying to get the lease. She had good news, it still looks like we will get the land, but we had to wait yet longer for them to sort their stuff out. Which left me impatient and angry. The staff at Little Angels have helped poor children for years, with no funding, no salaries for themselves, no perks, no nothing. And you have to wait for months and months to try and get the land, to be able to build a proper house, to make it safe for the children. To be able to get accredited. And the house you are fundraising for, not something to government is paying for. Zuma is too busy paying for his own house.
In that very moment a little kid, whom I don’t know, decided to give my little part-time foster kid the finger. My kid who has complained about rude kids in the neighborhood hitting her. As a result I exploded and told him that if he ever tries something like that ever again I will send people to his house to sort his mother out. Rather: have his mother sort him out. He left.
I always tell Liezel that it’s about the kids, not the parents. With the parents we are often fighting a losing battle. Sometimes the staff get upset, because they feel disrespected by the very people who give them their children to look after every day for nothing. And I often calm them down and say we can’t expect anything from the parents, the important thing is we have the kids and the kids are safe. But two weeks ago I was told that some bread and bananas Liezel sent home with the twins, were given to their guardian’s abusive drug addicted sons instead. So my kid went on a bin scavenging rampage to find food. Now I know this woman is abused by her sons. I know they are on drugs and insane. I usually feel sorry for her. But knowing that a lot of the food I gave to the kids last year ended up with her sons, who are fully grown with families of their own, made me angry. And the scavenging in bins episode was the end of my tether. I’ve held my tongue when I’ve seen her, because I didn’t see very much one can do, and I obviously pity her for what she’s ended up with in life. I’m also grateful she’s looking after kids that are not her own. But I’ve been furious. And seeing that kid today with something the size of half an orange on his head, knowing his family’s been ignoring it for three weeks, made me so angry. How can you risk a kid’s life?
Right now, I’m angry with all the parents that are abusing their children. I’m angry with all the organizations that have raised money in the name of Little Angels and then never handed over the money. I’m angry with people who lie, cheat, steal and put shit on others. I’m angry.
Liezel told me yesterday in a meeting that she has a big heart, but she believes I have a bigger heart. I couldn’t believe my ears hearing that. This is coming from a woman who fed children out of her own house, when she had nothing to eat herself. It came from a woman I respect in other words. It made me grin from ear to ear yesterday. For hours. Perfect timing then to lose heart today.
I often get myself into trouble because I can’t get angry. I am very understanding. I believe everyone has a heart and if they act differently, it’s because they were taught to act from a different place than their heart. They’ve been manipulated by their surroundings and are not strong enough to control themselves to step back into their heart. Maybe they just don’t know how.
People say I’m nice. Too nice. If they know me. And maybe that’s it. I need to learn to be able to confront people, before I reach the tipping point. I can’t flip on the twins’ guardian. I don’t want to. I do want to address the issue with her though. It’s a balancing act. It’s about being able to talk to people in an understanding manner. Keeping boundaries. Normally I can’t get angry, I just understand. But that also sometimes means I don’t stand up for what I believe in. You have to find a balancing act of expressing what you feel in a loving manner. Of speaking from your own heart. That’s not about being angry, it’s just about addressing issues from a place of love.
So I guess I need to learn to build the confidence, to address issues, and speak from my heart. Before I get more fibrous tissue buildup from knots in my back. It’s time to stop playing small. But if I’m going to play big, I want to do it from my heart. Not from a place of ego, or a place of anger.
That’s it. I’m feeling a lot better. If I ever get back into Brazilian jujitsu, it won’t be to take out repressed anger. It will simply be to wrestle with half naked men… I mean to learn self-defense, I would never do it for the half naked men. Never.