In the naked moonlight…

One day a few months ago in Cape Town I was with the twins in the local food store. As usual they were playing music in the shop and suddenly the words in a song that was playing seemed to jump out at me – “there’s a full moon over Mulholland, I wanna write her name in the sky, I wanna free fall out into nothin’.” I may still have been at a supermarket in Cape Town, but in my heart I was standing by Mulholland, looking out over Los Angeles as a full moon was shining brightly over the city. Tears threatened to overflow. I was struck by such a longing to go home that it actually took me several minutes to recover.

Now, my housemate used to play that song obsessively on his guitar and for some reason I’d never heard the line about Mulholland before. Nor the rest of the lines about L.A. But in that moment in the shop…somehow that one line brought me straight back to the hills and I could literally feel my heart exploding with a longing to go back to L.A. that was so strong I felt like I’d just broken up with a guy or something. In fact I think splitting up with L.A. is the worst split I’ve ever done. Leaving Paris was bad. Leaving L.A. broke my heart.

Tonight I went to my first martial arts class in years. It was great. I have a teacher who promised me I don’t have to spar and tear another ligament in another knee. After class a friend of mine was driving me home, and as we were driving I pointed to the almost full moon in the sky, which tonight looked like a big yellow cheese. I told him about my moment in the shop in Cape Town. He said we could drive by Mulholland.

We pulled to a stop where several others seemed to have had the same idea. We followed some of those people and and walked into a closed lookout spot. That’s to say we climbed into a closed lookout spot. And there we were, standing by Mulholland Drive looking out over the city. I was back in my beloved hills. And randomly a guy picked up a guitar and started playing. Now, had he played Free Fallin’ I might’ve actually fainted and literally free fallen – randomly today I was also watching a documentary with John Mayer where he sat playing the guitar looking out from the hills over the city. Instead I ended up talking to a location scout that had come to do some photos and who chatted about talking dirty in Swedish, having a fist fight with Jean Claude van Damme and about the people who set up Baskin and Robbins in Europe. So random.

Now the song actually goes “I wanna glide down over Mulholland,” but maybe I needed to hear that there was a full moon over Mulholland to bring me there tonight. Maybe I just needed to go home. Go home to a full moon in the hills. And maybe I will never quite be able to capture in words what it feels like to come home when you’ve been looking for home your whole life. I will always want to have France and Cape Town in my life, I don’t feel complete without them, but home, home is a house in the hills of Los Angeles.

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[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20Ov0cDPZy8]

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A true sensual adventure of sorts…

Sometimes I have to remind myself that living the adventure is not just about going off and doing crazy things. It’s not just about fighting for a better tomorrow where more dreams are realized. No, it is also about now. About this very moment and the fact that there is a beach not too far away. A beach I can walk and sand I can feel underneath my bare feet.

Adventure is so many things. It’s walking in high heels when no one else is. It’s walking in flip flops when everyone else is in high heels. It’s following that little, yet powerful voice inside your heart that tells you exactly what adventure is to you – whether taking a moment to experience dawn, to explore the morning rays, or to dive deep into the ocean where no man has swum before you. Adventure is exploration. True, uninhibited exploration of the moment you wish to find yourself in. Make it count.

Next time you wake up truly open your eyes. Truly see what’s around you. And if you end up in bed with someone you love, well then darlings, let those senses of yours explore it…

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Image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/507780926707964778/

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The scars on my body are an artwork…

I just watched the movie A Thousand Times Good Night. It’s one of those stories I believe had to be told. It’s not a movie you watch because it makes you feel so great whilst watching it. It’s a movie you watch because it hits the truth within yourself. Or maybe it just hits the truth within me. It reminds me of a childhood where I was often angry because I was left alone with my stepmom whilst my dad went away. I tried to protect my sister, but I know I failed. I know my sister still has scars because of the way our stepmom treated us. I guess I’m still battling the same battle. Only this time I’m trying to protect other children. The kids in the township and my own foster kids. At the same time I am the person who goes away. The person chasing my other dreams. And I believe in that. I don’t believe in sacrificing what makes you happy, because what kind of life will you live if you give up happiness? What will you teach your children if you give up on your own dreams?

The movie is about a war photographer, who has two children and a husband. Her family is fed up with her job. Yet, she keeps pursuing it. Because she wants to fight the war in her own way. She has an anger inside of her towards the world and this is her way of fighting it. Of fighting injustice. At the same time maybe that anger is not about fighting injustice, maybe it’s just self-destructive. Besides when you have a passion there is this thing within you that makes you pursue it, no matter what pretty much. Because if you don’t… You fade away. It is as if you stop existing. I don’t know what life would be like if I would not have creative ideas chasing me 24 seven; wanting to be expressed. It’s a problem really. It’s a great thing when I get to express to them. When I have to do a job that’s not about my own ideas, that’s just not very nice. It makes me unhappy. So it’s a constant battle. You have to reach a point where you make a living from your passion, or be unhappy. There’s no middle way. Or maybe there is actually – for me writing for others I guess is that middle way. Before I found writing I used to think I was doomed. I was doomed because I didn’t know how to make a living from something that I didn’t hate. Feeling like only creative freedom can make you happy and not having the tools to get there is a bit of a problem. For some thinking that “I just have to wait five years and work my way there” might work very well. But when you virtually hate your job, five years does not sound like a great thing. So today I consider myself very very lucky to be able to write. And I can see how you can work your way up to become a writer that writes for yourself. Write articles you want to write. Be a contributor. Choose your articles. I love telling stories, I just want to be able to tell my own stories. For now this blog is my forum for that.

I believe in solutions. I believe there is a way of living your dreams and having a family. I believe there is a way of running my own company and still being active in Little Angels. In fact I believe running a company will make my contribution to Little Angels all that much better. I even believe it’s possible to live between Los Angeles and Cape Town. And maybe unlike the woman in that movie, I definitely believe you can tell stories without risking your own life. That’s not to say that the stories she told didn’t need to be told. They did need to be told. Someone needed to tell them. Maybe just not someone with a husband and two children. And just like the movie implied, not unlike a suicide bomber, she was sacrificing her own safety for a perceived higher good. A higher good her family could not quite understand, because they wanted to be the higher good. Yet she was creating a better world for them. Just like I used to wish my dad would sacrifice his job for me and he thought he was working to provide for me.

You can’t escape your own passions, nor your dreams. So my advice to anyone who has a passion, or a dream, is to go after it. But think about how you go after it. Pursue it in such a way that it helps you and others. Don’t sacrifice your life because of it. Build your life from it. Artists often get it wrong because not unlike an addict we will go after our passion at pretty much any cost. Don’t make your passion destructive. Make it something which enhances your life. Make it count.

I watched this movie because I had a feeling I had to watch it. I also had a feeling it might not be the most pleasant experience. It’s a beautiful movie. It’s an artwork. The cinematography is beyond belief. It’s stunning. And unlike most movies it makes sense. There’s logic to the illogical decisions some of the characters make. I started to realize, that if you’re always avoiding something, it’s because there’s something within you still broken. And instead of always watching comedies to try and make myself happy, I believe that there is something about what the Greeks said about tragedies. About connecting with the broken part of yourself and thereby letting it go. I don’t believe in reveling in pain, or continuously listening to music that’s melancholic, or watching depressing movies, but I do believe in facing something and then moving beyond it. And I believe that movies can unlock something within you and by doing so allow you to heal. I want to believe that movies can change lives. I want to believe it because movies, after all, are my favorite kind of expression.

When I go to bed tonight, I don’t want to be sad about what my stepmom did. Nor do I want to fear how difficult it can be to have a career and be a mom. I don’t want to worry about making the wrong decisions. Instead I want to focus upon what I’ve learned from my childhood and how I’m not putting it to use to help others. I want to focus and how my heart is making me happy. I want to focus on creating the life of my dreams, whereby I serve myself as well as others.

Scars, really, can become an artwork. If you heal them and learn from them. If you let them tell your story in such a way that it inspires yourself and others.

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Image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/225320787576584914/

 

 

 

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Why love is the sexiest thing of all…

I just came across this article, it was about a lioness that killed a baboon, but then looked after the baboon’s baby until the baby’s father came and looked after it. People often refer to nature as being perfect, but I think it’s quite cruel. After all many animals were born to kill other animals. If you are completely spiritually attuned, then you can probably see life is a circle and see everything as perfect, because you do not fear the separation of death. You can enjoy beauty and joy for what it is – temporary – knowing that death does happen. You know it, you accept it, you even embrace it. And by doing so you are allowed to move on and find continuos joy in your life. You don’t try to oppose nature, you are one with nature. And whether you like it or not nature is nature – it’s what you were born into.

What I find fascinating is that animals which usually kill one another can become friends, and if they do become friends, if love exists between them, then they do not kill one another. Rather they would mourn if the other animal got killed. Unlike most animals, humans have a choice. We can choose whether to love an animal or kill it (unless under attack). In the rest of the animal kingdom it seems to be a lot more random than that. Most animals that are carnivores don’t really have a choice. If they do not kill they do not survive. Only humans seem to be able to have a choice to decide which animals they want to befriend, which they want to kill and if they want to turn vegetarian. And even so, in some cases it has been reported that humans who do not eat meat get sick. It seems to depend on genetics. The Eskimos who eat 80% whale meat and fat, might not fare very well as vegans. Other people, like myself, do not seem to like eating a lot of meat. I started eating birds and seafood only when I was eighteen – I never liked meat apart from very few dishes. I can’t digest it and I don’t like chewing it. It feels dry to me, no matter how juicy. Vegetables feel juicy and make me happy on the other hand. And I used to be a carb lover until this year when I decided to see if cutting grains could help my RSI. Reading part of the Grain Brain book last week kind of reinforced that many grains may not be that helpful for us. Maybe they are different if sprouted though and I’m a big fan of raw foods. For some reason raw foods make me happy. It’s the only diet I’ve ever felt inclined to follow.

Unlike what most vegans proclaim, nature intended animals to kill one another and I’m not so sure its unholy therefore to do it. Vegans love animals who kill other animals, but detest humans who do the same. If nature is perfect and we move to another spiritual level by death, then is it bad to kill for food? With the years the idea of killing for food seems less and less appealing, but without protein I go a bit bananas and as I don’t eat eggs due to intolerance (am thinking of seeing if I’ve cured it after several years off eggs) and am allergic to several nuts (although it seems I can eat most of them if cooked – I believe I cracked the mystery as some substance change when cooked and people allergic to pollen and therefore certain fruits and nuts can usually eat them when cooked) it limits my choice. I might however opt for things like mussels and clams instead of chicken. It somehow feels better.

I guess what I truly wanted to say, apart from my confusion regarding foods, is that I find it fascinating and utterly beautiful that what connects humans and animals alike is love. I think we should use it more and extend it to every person and animal we meet to see what happens. I know that the love I’ve had for the kids in Africa and the different dogs I’ve lived with for the past year and a half has changed my life. Just speaking to Liezel in South Africa yesterday, as well as the twins and one of the youth leaders, made me wonder how I ever survived without that kind of love in my life? To be truly appreciated for who I am and to be part of a team I know will support me for the rest of my life, is one of the most amazing feelings I’ve ever had. And I believe no matter what happens in life, it is love that always gets us through. Love from others and love from ourselves. What makes loosing one person bearable, is knowing that there is infinite love from so many other people, as well as the love we feel when doing things we love in places we love.

No matter what’s right or wrong, or if nature is cruel or perfect, love is what makes the journey worth living.

The article I read: http://sftimes.co/?id=419&src=share_fb_new_419

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Give me everything tonight…

Call someone sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight… That’s a song I’ve not been able to get out of my head for months. And it’s kind of a good reminder. You have one shot take it. Usually all you need is 20 seconds of courage to break through your own barriers of discomfort.

I’m trying to write this using voice recognition software. It appears my hands are completely fucked today from RSI. In a way I’ve had one of the best days of my life, and yet I sit here thinking I can’t move forward because I can’t use my hands. I was talking to Liezel this morning, the principle of Little Angels. She told me that the twins relatives are all coming together to ensure I can adopt them. Their guardian, who is in her 70s, wants to know that when she’s gone I have the kids. Consequently I was crying from happiness. However, my hands that have been better this week as I’ve tried to relax more, are for some reason so bad I can’t really type at all. Or I shouldn’t, rather. My back is really bad this morning, maybe that’s why. I am seeing a specialist on Monday, so I hope he can help me, but for over three months now I’ve had to make money and be in pain, or heal myself and make no money. For a while my hands got really good, but then went bad again. And I literally don’t know what to do if I can’t fix this problem. How do you work not using a laptop? I know, I know, it’s all possible. There’s voice recognition software. I now have a transcriber. It all works. It just feels so… Defeating. You can no longer work as you want to.

And I guess it’s moments like these that define us. Either you give up. You tell yourself that life is not in your favor at the moment, and you basically give up. You move back to the EU and get a job that does not require you using a laptop. Or you decide you are going to conquer, with voice recognition software, transcribers and all the rest of it. You’re not going to give up on your dreams. You are going to accomplish what you said you were going to accomplish. I feel ridiculous talking to my laptop. It’s more difficult for me to process the words this way. It takes a lot longer than just typing. Having someone else transcribe is potentially quicker than typing, but obviously involves a cost. I hate that everyone can hear what I’m “typing.” It’s uncomfortable basically. But that’s just it. Sometimes things aren’t comfortable. If you let that stop you, you are never going to get anywhere.

If I get serious about only using voice recognition software, and my transcriber, then in three months time from now this will be normal. It will no longer be uncomfortable. If I stop now I’m giving up and I will have let go of all my dreams and ambitions. We have choices. Every day we have choices. And sometimes the comfortable choices are not the right ones to make. If you only stay within your comfort zone, you’re never going to get any further than where you are currently.

I work with people in the townships who have a lot less possibilities than I have and yet I teach them that they have possibility. That they can make something out of their lives. Only a few hours ago Liezel was telling me that some of the youth leaders now have a new source of hope and inspiration. Apparently I am their inspiration. So, today I’m going to be my own inspiration. I will apply for the writing jobs I intended to apply for. I will go and hang out at my favorite bookshop as I intended to. I will do what it takes to get the life I want, with or without being able to use my hands on a laptop.

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Image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/507780926708320224/

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Magically undress me…

You know how throughout history people have talked about black and white magic? And essentially it’s the same magic, but used for different means? You use it for good things, or bad things. Well, life is kind of like that.

We all have a body. We can exercise it, stretch it and learn to control it. We can use it in combat, for good, or bad. We all have a mind. We can exercise it, stretch it and learn to control it. We can use it in combat, or good, or bad. Likewise, we come to places, events happen, there is circumstance and we can use it to learn things and build our character, or we can see it as a reason to de-moralize ourselves and break ourselves down. There’s choice. In everything.

I have been discussing L.A. a lot with friends here, the ones I’ve had a chance to catch up with thus far in-between work and getting myself organized. Some people love L.A. Some people hate it. Some think it’s a place you have to survive to reach a goal. I love L.A. That much is obvious. But although I see it as a city filled with opportunity I also know it’s a city filled with broken egos. A lot of people come here to be seen and heard, for no other reason than to be seen and heard. After Cape Town it’s even more shocking to see how much life evolves around some people’s egos. It’s all me, me, me. Me getting a bigger pay check. Me on the billboards. Me working with that high up producer. It’s exhausting to watch. Can’t they just embrace that they are OK in the moment? Can’t they try and work for someone else for a while – i.e. giving of themselves to help others? It would take a lot of their stress away. When you give to others, when you feel you are being treasured for who you are, some of that ego drive falls away. And life becomes rather pleasant for what it is.

I established some years ago that true art is sort of two fold, isn’t it? It’s about expression. It’s also about becoming good at something – mastering an art. Now, as an expression, you want it to touch those whose hearts connect with it. As an art, you want to practice to become really good. You might also consider the art of expression – of expressing things that actually give value. Teach people something. Lead them to their hearts. L.A. has a lot of real artists. It also has a lot of artists that are here to be seen and have no real interest in art.

L.A. is like white and black magic – either you sell your soul for your ego or you come here to do what you love in a city you love. I guess it’s the same with every city. And as I said – in everything there is a choice. Black or white magic.

You can undress someone and see their heart, or their body. your choice. Depends on where your focus is at. Same with a city.

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Image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/507780926708279819/

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Coming out of the shadows: embracing sex appeal…

I always said sex appeal comes from the inside. And to be truly sexy you have to let go of the fear of what others will think of you if you embrace your full inner capacity. You have to dare to glow. You have to dare to reveal your heart; your true self; your sexiness. You have to dare to believe in yourself, without for that matter holding on to egotistical beliefs about the self. It’s amazing when you see truly sexy people – those who embrace their inner genius whilst simultaneously encouraging others to do the same. Those that feel great without having to be greater. They are their greatest self. Comparison is futile as everyone is a unique cocktail, offering something incredible to the world. People who live their greatness aren’t scared of the greatness of others; they embrace it.

It hit me this morning that I fear what I love. I fear it as once I acknowledge I love it, I have something to lose if I don’t accomplish it. If I stay in a state of not knowing what I love, not knowing what I want, I don’t have to face the fear of not being able to accomplish it. And as yesterday’s confession revealed: this time around what I would truly love seems so immense, even to myself, that I consider it madness. I have nothing against madness though. Not so long as it’s sane…

A part of me, maybe quite a big one, is also scared of taking the leap. It’s a big leap. It’s a leap from hiding in the shadows to launching the company I love. No more hiding. Time to embrace sexiness; inner genius.

So cheerio, I have to get sexy. I believe once you love and let go whatever is will come to be, inner sexiness included. So I guess I have a lot of letting go and loving to do…

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Image source: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/507780926708279847/

 

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