Is there something sexy about love???

Remember that Jeff Buckley song, Hallelujah? I used to listen to it every night when I was going to bed in Paris. It was like my lullaby. I was 19. It’s a long time ago. And I’m happy I’ve come a long way since.

There is this one line in the song: “love is not a victory march, it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.” But love isn’t like that. Love is everything but that. Longing can be like that. Wanting a person can be like that. But love, love is a warm, healing, beautiful force. Often, when we don’t get the love we want though, we think that the lack of love is love and that it is hurting us. I.e. our own longing, not our love is hurting us, but we confuse the longing with love. We confuse our need with love.

I always used to end up involved with guys I was waiting for “the wonderful thing to happen” with. It was a line that went round and round in my head when I was breaking up with my ex a million light-years ago. It’s a line from Hedda Gabler by Ibsen. I was acting in another of his plays at the time.

I’ve seen myself and so many others hold onto people because we had a good experience with them at one point. They brought out something new in us. They gave us something we never had before. Or they just made us happy for a while. Or they made us happy on an on and off basis – one minute great, the next minute gone, one minute great the next minute abusive. And we held onto them. We held onto them waiting for the wonderful thing to happen. That they would be nice to us all the time. Or want us all the time. Or actually invest something into the relationship for the first time, not just have us as a fun for the weekend kind of thing or “maybe I like this girl thing.” If we kept coming back to them it’s because we were addicted to the good stuff. It’s like eating sugar knowing you’ll get diabetes, but the candy tastes good. There is sugar-free candy though. There are people that are actually nice to you all the time. There are people that are willing to invest their heart and soul in a friendship, or relationship with you.

Relationships take work, but they shouldn’t be a non-stop struggle. Point being: you have to be with someone who wants to do the work and is happy about it. Someone who enjoys it. Someone who enjoys you. Not just sometimes, but always. Even in the troubled times they have to know that your friendship, or relationship, is worth sorting out the kinks for.

Don’t throw pearls to swine. Always evaluate what you are giving to people to ensure you aren’t unconsciously creating havoc in your relationships by doing things to annoy others, always give of yourself freely, but don’t get involved with people who do not give you anything back. Love is unconditional, relationships are not. Don’t be sad if you don’t get what you want from a person – rather leave to find what you want from another person.

It sounds like I’m going through heartbreak, I’m not. I don’t even know the last time I was in love. What I do know is that for the first time I have some sort of idea of what it would feel like to come home to someone who feels like home. To someone where there isn’t always a struggle to make it work. To someone whom you aren’t on a mad high with, but whom you honestly keep building a friendship with; someone who understands your values and lifestyle. Someone you can build your dreams with. Whether I’ll find that, or am prepared to open my heart for it, or not, is a different question. To me what matters is that I don’t feel attracted to people whom I from get-go know will never give me the wonderful thing. Who will never actually give me their love wholeheartedly.

Do I believe in just one love? A love ever after? I don’t know. If it’s like coming home though, maybe I do. Because it’s not about thinking there’s just one person you could love. It’s about investing yourself into the one relationship you could make the best of all relationships. And to have that I believe is worth a thousand flings. I could be wrong of course, but I believe those who manage to create a life together with someone, a true life, a life where both parties live true to their dreams, have something truly amazing. It’s kind of sexy. Coming back to the same old, when the same old is creating an ever changing dream together with you. That’s real sexy.

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Now that was an ace time in the bedroom…

When I was walking home from Trader Joe’s this morning (I know, that’s a really sexy start to a blog) I saw an elderly man get out of a car and close the door. Then he leaned back towards the car and said “And thank you Bobby.” Now, it wasn’t the words but the way he said them. He really meant them. I don’t know what Bobby had done, maybe just taking him out for breakfast, or done something incredible like saving the life of his daughter. I don’t know. My impression was that he was just really truly grateful for Bobby’s friendship. And somehow, that put the biggest grin on my face as I marched into my house to make breakfast.

Yesterday, or what is now the day before yesterday, I was talking to Liezel in South Africa. She always makes a point of telling me how much I mean to her. And I in turn have learnt to tell her how much she and all the little angels mean to me. I mean, that woman gave me a chance to work with kids in Africa, she gave me my foster kids, and last but not least she gave me the privilege of being truly appreciated for who I am and what I do. More than anything I think she appreciates me for my heart. She believes just me loving the kids for who they are makes a difference. And my favorite thing is to be at Little Angels and just simply be with the kids and youth. Being there, waiting, trusting, that if I am there for long enough they will let go their scars and show me their hearts. And if I manage to get them to do that, I believe there is a chance of them living their hearts. Also, I think for Liezel one of the most important things is knowing that there is someone there - that she has someone to share the joys and sorrows of trying to provide for 70 kids, 10 youth and 20 after school children, with no money, no electricity, no nothing. Liezel doesn’t have much more than love, and she has plenty of love, but that’s not to say that life doesn’t get stressful sometimes when you have no money to pay your bills. No money to sort out your under active thyroid. She lives in poverty where she can’t even pay for decent food (I bought her a juicer as juicing with my juicer was the only thing that helped her thyroid problem at one point where she could neither eat properly, nor sleep, but half the time, she has no money to buy veggies to juice), not to mention clothes, and she deserves to be a millionaire.

Point being, I was talking to Liezel yesterday and I was thinking about thankfulness. I also emailed someone who greatly inspired me as I wanted to thank them. I had been thinking for a while about how crossing one person’s path can mean so much for the direction your life end up taking. And if you’re grateful for that, then I think it’s your duty to tell them. Not because you have to, not because everyone will appreciate it, but because for those who do appreciate it, you never know what it will mean. I can never fully describe in words what Liezel’s thankfulness has meant to me, or what it feels like when the twins tell me they love me. It’s turned me into a person filled with love and because of that I’m willing to give of myself so much more. Coming from the background I do, this means a lot to me.

The one thing I haven’t learnt is to thank myself. In the past five months or so, I’ve worked I like a mad person on my business. And the only thing I think about is how much more I can do with the business and other things in my life. I may be a support to Liezel but for the most part I’m angry with myself for the things I haven’t managed to do for Little Angels. I’m mad with my hands for not being able to write and with myself for fucking up deadlines more than usual. I may not get as much done as I want to do, and part of that is definitely due to my scatter head mentality, which I’m still trying to straighten out, but the fact is I’m trying to do the job of three normal people. There will always be more to do. But for every task I complete, from now on I should be thanking myself. That would potentially also help cure the stress that is often eating me from the inside out.

So good night folks, I may not have done it all, but for that which I have done I am grateful. Oh, and definitely tell someone if they’re good in bed. And if they aren’t good with everything in bed, praise them for what they are good with. Build up their confidence. Then tell them what you want. Just never stop praising though. Every person deserves to be appreciated for their heart.

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Six or sex…or sex and six…or six and sex…

When it takes you twenty odd minutes to figure out that it’s ‘unwind’ not ‘rewind’ you know your brain is…tired? Or you are just blonder than usual. Hit me earlier as well after sending an email that it’s not ‘sneaky’ but ‘cheeky.’ And if twenty minutes was a long time to grasp what was wrong with ‘rewind’ then that’s nothing compared to the time it’s taken me to voice-write articles today. I’m not even going to get into the mistakes voice typing create. At least some left me giggling.

I’m actually exhausted. I have to finish several articles tomorrow, but then I’m gonna take time to enjoy Los Angeles. There’s been so much chaos in my life this year with my hands, tying up the business plan, Little Angels and now being here. Some chaos has been good, some challenging, but I think it’s time to breathe now. At some stage I think I forgot. And today was possibly the day when my body decided it’s time to remember. It’s my body telling me that unless I want to keep confusing words and have it take me an hour to write an article, I better start breathing again. It’s Easter after all – I always loved the celebration of spring, of sunshine and rebirth, so tomorrow this blonde is spring cleaning her mind.

Six and sex…it’s all the same in Swedish…same word that is. But writing sex articles instead of six articles would be a major hick-up as a writer. Good thing no one asked me for six articles today, because they’d probably have ended up with sex articles given the state of my confused brain.

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Oh my, that person didn’t spread that gossip, did they…

There are two reasons we fear people. Either it is because we honestly fear them as a person, or we fear the person we become around them. If people have a lot of fear towards people it means that they have a pretty negative self-image or negative image of other people. Now, we usually don’t look upon a shy person, or a nervous person as a mean person. But if they’re constantly shutting themselves down, closing themselves off from people, or become nervous around other people, they are not trusting other people. They are constantly thinking other people will let them down in some way. If they get nervous around their boss, they aren’t trusting their boss to be a nice enough person to be decent around their employees. 

When I was really shy, I was actually quite nasty to people, because I distrusted everybody. I was kind to them in that I would be nice to anyone pretty much and blame myself for having some mysterious flaw that meant no one liked me, but I did not trust a single person to be nice enough to be kind to me. I was petrified of people, meaning I really did not see them in a kindly light if you think about it. My image of people was not a good one. Now, of course what had happened was a series of events surrounding my mom’s death that left me doubting my own value, followed by some people not being very nice to me, which led me to mistrust myself so much so that I could not deal with other people judging me anymore. It was simply too painful for me to deal with their judgment. Therefore I tried to retract from people, but that only reinforced my poor self image and my image of other people as not being trustworthy. 

I’ve probably thought about similar things before, but this really hit home today as I realized that there are certain types of people I still don’t relax around. Unconsciously, I keep waiting for the blow. And I don’t mean the blow job, I mean the blow I’d feel if they’d be nasty to me, or say something nasty behind my back. It’s unconscious – I’m not walking around consciously thinking people are nasty, I just don’t relax fully around people. Now, I’m not saying some people wouldn’t be nasty. Most people will at some point or another be nasty to you. It’s human. And there are some real assholes out there too. What I mean is that I want to be able to relax fully. I know sometimes people will be nasty, but I don’t want to walk around with my guard up. I don’t want to have fear. I want to be able to see reality for what it is and relax. Relax knowing some people will be nice, some won’t. People will be nice or nasty whether I’m tense or not. If I’m tense I will keep the nice ones at bay. I may keep the nasty ones at bay as well, but it won’t stop them from being nasty to me.

I believe in general to be able to see the world for what it truly is, accept it, and come to terms with it is one of the greatest achievements for a human being. To live a life where we don’t let life scar us. Where we don’t live in neither oblivion, nor fear of what is to come, nor hold on to hurt from the past. It’s kind of like knowing that there will be car crashes. We can choose to enjoy life even if we know there will be car crashes. We can relax and do our best to remain as relaxed as possible when they happen, letting our flexibility protect us as much as possible from the shock of the impact, and then let go of the trauma afterwards. We can also choose to live in oblivion that car crashes will ever happen, get a complete shock when they do, feel completely let down because they did and then tense up in fear anticipating the next car crash, ruining our enjoyment of the now. Of course the scars and tensions will also serve to make the next crash all that more painful as you are now adding pain to an already tensed and scarred body. You can also try to go into oblivion again after the first car crash and get another overwhelming shock when the second one happens. Probably feeling like life has let you down once more. But it’s life – there will be car crashes and if you only opened your eyes you would know that. And if you accepted that and learnt to live with it, you could relax and fully enjoy all the good things in life, even inviting more good things in as you are open to them. Being open also means you are more likely to avoid car crashes as you see things for what they are rather than what you want them to be.

You don’t want to be naive about people. Nor do you want to have any preconceived ideas about people. You want to be able to relax in anybody’s company, and truly see them for who they are and explore them for who they are. You want to be able to be relaxed in yourself, knowing that you are okay no matter what another person does next. If you know people can turn out to be nasty – whether real nasty or just humanly nasty in that they make mistakes – without living in fear of it chances are you won’t be so scarred if they do something wrong. Nor will you close the door to other people, because you are aware there is good and bad. You want to enjoy as much good as you can, see the bad for what it is and stay clear of it as much as possible.

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My body is…

Do you ever think about what you are thinking about? Sometimes I take my thoughts for granted. I don’t think about whether a thought is based in reality or not; I just assume it is because at some point I made up that it was that way. Habits take a long time to kill. Especially if you don’t realize you have them.

I love the song Your Body Is A Wonderland. Or maybe I just love the title. Because it challenges how so many people see their body. I quite like seeing my body as a wonderland.

Sometimes it’s time to stop to have a look at how you see your body, your home, your life, your relationships…are they all wonderlands? Would you treat them differently if you considered them wonderlands?

(Isn’t language amazing? Like as humans we all know wonder. We know what a wonderland is. But try explaining that to an alien.)

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In the naked moonlight…

One day a few months ago in Cape Town I was with the twins in the local food store. As usual they were playing music in the shop and suddenly the words in a song that was playing seemed to jump out at me – “there’s a full moon over Mulholland, I wanna write her name in the sky, I wanna free fall out into nothin’.” I may still have been at a supermarket in Cape Town, but in my heart I was standing by Mulholland, looking out over Los Angeles as a full moon was shining brightly over the city. Tears threatened to overflow. I was struck by such a longing to go home that it actually took me several minutes to recover.

Now, my housemate used to play that song obsessively on his guitar and for some reason I’d never heard the line about Mulholland before. Nor the rest of the lines about L.A. But in that moment in the shop…somehow that one line brought me straight back to the hills and I could literally feel my heart exploding with a longing to go back to L.A. that was so strong I felt like I’d just broken up with a guy or something. In fact I think splitting up with L.A. is the worst split I’ve ever done. Leaving Paris was bad. Leaving L.A. broke my heart.

Tonight I went to my first martial arts class in years. It was great. I have a teacher who promised me I don’t have to spar and tear another ligament in another knee. After class a friend of mine was driving me home, and as we were driving I pointed to the almost full moon in the sky, which tonight looked like a big yellow cheese. I told him about my moment in the shop in Cape Town. He said we could drive by Mulholland.

We pulled to a stop where several others seemed to have had the same idea. We followed some of those people and and walked into a closed lookout spot. That’s to say we climbed into a closed lookout spot. And there we were, standing by Mulholland Drive looking out over the city. I was back in my beloved hills. And randomly a guy picked up a guitar and started playing. Now, had he played Free Fallin’ I might’ve actually fainted and literally free fallen – randomly today I was also watching a documentary with John Mayer where he sat playing the guitar looking out from the hills over the city. Instead I ended up talking to a location scout that had come to do some photos and who chatted about talking dirty in Swedish, having a fist fight with Jean Claude van Damme and about the people who set up Baskin and Robbins in Europe. So random.

Now the song actually goes “I wanna glide down over Mulholland,” but maybe I needed to hear that there was a full moon over Mulholland to bring me there tonight. Maybe I just needed to go home. Go home to a full moon in the hills. And maybe I will never quite be able to capture in words what it feels like to come home when you’ve been looking for home your whole life. I will always want to have France and Cape Town in my life, I don’t feel complete without them, but home, home is a house in the hills of Los Angeles.

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[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20Ov0cDPZy8]

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A true sensual adventure of sorts…

Sometimes I have to remind myself that living the adventure is not just about going off and doing crazy things. It’s not just about fighting for a better tomorrow where more dreams are realized. No, it is also about now. About this very moment and the fact that there is a beach not too far away. A beach I can walk and sand I can feel underneath my bare feet.

Adventure is so many things. It’s walking in high heels when no one else is. It’s walking in flip flops when everyone else is in high heels. It’s following that little, yet powerful voice inside your heart that tells you exactly what adventure is to you – whether taking a moment to experience dawn, to explore the morning rays, or to dive deep into the ocean where no man has swum before you. Adventure is exploration. True, uninhibited exploration of the moment you wish to find yourself in. Make it count.

Next time you wake up truly open your eyes. Truly see what’s around you. And if you end up in bed with someone you love, well then darlings, let those senses of yours explore it…

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