Remember that Jeff Buckley song, Hallelujah? I used to listen to it every night when I was going to bed in Paris. It was like my lullaby. I was 19. It’s a long time ago. And I’m happy I’ve come a long way since.
There is this one line in the song: “love is not a victory march, it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.” But love isn’t like that. Love is everything but that. Longing can be like that. Wanting a person can be like that. But love, love is a warm, healing, beautiful force. Often, when we don’t get the love we want though, we think that the lack of love is love and that it is hurting us. I.e. our own longing, not our love is hurting us, but we confuse the longing with love. We confuse our need with love.
I always used to end up involved with guys I was waiting for “the wonderful thing to happen” with. It was a line that went round and round in my head when I was breaking up with my ex a million light-years ago. It’s a line from Hedda Gabler by Ibsen. I was acting in another of his plays at the time.
I’ve seen myself and so many others hold onto people because we had a good experience with them at one point. They brought out something new in us. They gave us something we never had before. Or they just made us happy for a while. Or they made us happy on an on and off basis – one minute great, the next minute gone, one minute great the next minute abusive. And we held onto them. We held onto them waiting for the wonderful thing to happen. That they would be nice to us all the time. Or want us all the time. Or actually invest something into the relationship for the first time, not just have us as a fun for the weekend kind of thing or “maybe I like this girl thing.” If we kept coming back to them it’s because we were addicted to the good stuff. It’s like eating sugar knowing you’ll get diabetes, but the candy tastes good. There is sugar-free candy though. There are people that are actually nice to you all the time. There are people that are willing to invest their heart and soul in a friendship, or relationship with you.
Relationships take work, but they shouldn’t be a non-stop struggle. Point being: you have to be with someone who wants to do the work and is happy about it. Someone who enjoys it. Someone who enjoys you. Not just sometimes, but always. Even in the troubled times they have to know that your friendship, or relationship, is worth sorting out the kinks for.
Don’t throw pearls to swine. Always evaluate what you are giving to people to ensure you aren’t unconsciously creating havoc in your relationships by doing things to annoy others, always give of yourself freely, but don’t get involved with people who do not give you anything back. Love is unconditional, relationships are not. Don’t be sad if you don’t get what you want from a person – rather leave to find what you want from another person.
It sounds like I’m going through heartbreak, I’m not. I don’t even know the last time I was in love. What I do know is that for the first time I have some sort of idea of what it would feel like to come home to someone who feels like home. To someone where there isn’t always a struggle to make it work. To someone whom you aren’t on a mad high with, but whom you honestly keep building a friendship with; someone who understands your values and lifestyle. Someone you can build your dreams with. Whether I’ll find that, or am prepared to open my heart for it, or not, is a different question. To me what matters is that I don’t feel attracted to people whom I from get-go know will never give me the wonderful thing. Who will never actually give me their love wholeheartedly.
Do I believe in just one love? A love ever after? I don’t know. If it’s like coming home though, maybe I do. Because it’s not about thinking there’s just one person you could love. It’s about investing yourself into the one relationship you could make the best of all relationships. And to have that I believe is worth a thousand flings. I could be wrong of course, but I believe those who manage to create a life together with someone, a true life, a life where both parties live true to their dreams, have something truly amazing. It’s kind of sexy. Coming back to the same old, when the same old is creating an ever changing dream together with you. That’s real sexy.