My ass looks great in my silk pants…

Dear Readers,

I have come to a time in my life when I have to face up to my own sweet self. And sweet it is indeed. A little bit like the most insanely delicious fudge. Melt in the mouth sensation.

No, dear readers, fudge aside, I am serious about this. I have to face my demons, conquer my fears and kick my scrumptious butt into action.

I started this year with a month of doing emotionally uncomfortable stuff. Like telling people I love them (if I forgot to tell you I love you, chances are I was just being a chicken). Then followed a month of 90% raw foods. Then followed two months of being a bit lost and confused. Well, clarity is back baby.

So what are we dealing with here? We are dealing with a woman who feels more comfortable calling herself a girl at times. We can start with that. I am, from now on, a woman. Of course I will forever be playful at heart, but that is a playful woman. It was a long time since my 10^th birthday. And that is a good thing.

Now, this woman (I quite like that. Being a woman that is.) has some…issues. For one I don’t necessarily handle compliments very well. So the time has come for me to compliment myself once a day and my best friend whilst at it (and she me). I will also do my best to sneak in compliments to everyone else I know. So darlings, don’t freak out: I’m not stalking you, I’m merely trying to be nice to you. Ahem.

Oh and yes, it’s quite easy for me to say something like “I have a nice ass.” I do. I can also easily tell myself I’m good at painting, or some other ability like that. It’s a tad harder to tell myself something about my personality. So I have to leave my ass out of the painting and stick to my personality if I can. I am…I am…I am…I can be a good listener. Ha. I did it.

Another “oh” – it also happens quite often I show someone I care, only to quickly show them in the next instance that I am perfectly fine without them, so that I won’t feel humiliated should they not care about me. Or I say something coming straight from my heart, only to joke about it the next minute, because what if my opinion would not go down well? Well, you know what? I will speak from my heart. Full stop.

And whilst complimenting, I will stop complaining. No complaints for a month. I may share an event that has left me feeling not so good, but I may not complain. Leave the clouds to do the raining and bring on the sunshine baby (and the surfboards too!!!).

Then there’s the wellness bit. There are six things I want to do. I want to meditate, breathe, stretch, build strength, practice cardio and train my voice. Six days a week I will do a minimum of three of these things, for ten minutes each (or all of them for five minutes each). Preferably I will do all of them for a minimum of ten minutes each. If not, I have to pay my best friend $100 by the end of the month.

Then there’s the obvious bit: listen to my intuition. I do, but sometimes I overrule it with logic and things go tits up Herbert. No more.

What’s more, when I feel uncomfortable, not because something is wrong, but because I am scared (as in I may not feel great when trying to tell someone I love them), I will stop, listen (and not just trot along, avoiding the thing I fear as usual) and go against my own feeling of discomfort. I am going to conquer those demons baby and I will conquer them in style; with dash, with panache. Did anyone see my little black dress? I need to find it. And the high heels that go along with it.

I will also, in all my glory, walk with a straight back and a SMILE. I will remain as open as I possibly can to the wonders of this world. I will not hide, I will not fear, I will just listen to my heart to guide me and give me the confidence to be open, knowing I am still safe.

Guys, I love myself. I think I am a magical creature with a lot of gifts, that I am mighty thankful for (and the fact that I actually said that should go into the Guinness book of world records). The time has come to dare to show my heart to the world. Every day from now on, for a month, I will hold myself accountable by, at the end of each blog, write what promises I kept that day. If you want to join me on this venture and keep yourself accountable for some goal or other by commenting, or sending me messages (FB) or whatever, please do. It’s time we all reclaimed our right to our own Queendom/Kingdom. Stand up for ourselves. Love ourselves. Show off our magnificence. Never mind those royal affairs in the gossip column: you have your own royal affairs to deal with. You are just as important, if not more. Bring on the tiaras….and all those silly hats they wear…

A friend of mine was having some fun…but heck, I think he’s right…I am a goddess (super cringe, cringe…no, claim with pride…uhm…by the end of the month I will not crack a joke after such a statement, or explain that truly I don’t believe in what I’m saying…)

My heartbeat…your heartbeat…

Did you ever really love someone, yet you found yourself further away from them than the river Nile is long? You love them, you care for them more than most anyone, but you just can’t seem to stand allowing them into your space, whether physical, or mental, or both?

There are many reasons why we push people away. We may fear that if they get to know us, all of us, they won’t like us. We may be scared of getting hurt. We may be scared of hurting them. We may be scared that reality is not like our dream. We may feel we don’t deserve their love, that we aren’t good enough for it, because inside of us there is something we are ashamed of. We may be scared they don’t love us enough. We may feel we aren’t ready for their love and if we allow them in, we will fuck it up.

There are also many ways to push people away. You can get angry with them. You can avoid being close to them physically. You can make them angry with you. You can hurt them. You can lie to them and say you don’t truly care about them/love them. You can avoid truly sharing your heart with them – you won’t show them you let them into your heart, even though you do OR you won’t share your innermost thoughts and feelings with them. You can numb your own feelings for them and therefore not show them to neither yourself, nor them – you will either feel cold, or be cold, even though inside you are hot (for them).

The thing is, by the end of the day: we have a heart. It beats for you and it beats for others, whether you stifle those feelings or not. So long as we stifle our feelings we live in a prison we created for ourselves. A very restricted place. The day we start living in harmony with our heart we will love and receive love freely. We will no longer be ashamed of who we are, because we are love, or at least strive to be love. We will dare to open our heart because we know when we love, love will enter and pain will be released. Love is a healer. Love is a connector. Love is a force which sets us free.

We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways – the ways we react and behave when we love someone. – John Gray