So I did some Facebook spying…yes, yes, I know…I’m guilty. I looked up the guy I fell for age 8 or 9. My best friend fell for the same guy (we didn’t even know each other back then) and so did the rest of the village. He was this adorable little kid. And that’s when my love life started going wrong.
One fine day I was sitting with my friends at daycare and this little adorable kid walked in. My friend, without warning, said to him: “Maria likes you.” He looked at me. “Do you?” As it was close to Christmas and I never liked lying in the first place, but especially not close to Christmas (I was a saint…), I simply replied: “Yes.” He looked at me and left the room.
For years to come I avoided this guy. I felt humiliated, ashamed…God knows what. As you can tell my confidence wasn’t great and with the years it got worse. Multiple people and events reinforced my own thoughts that there was something wrong with me and I became petrified of people and above and beyond I thought love was a humiliating thing. If I confessed to loving someone it was shameful. I was a geek, my love was not welcome….it blackened their name so to speak if I was in love with them. (Love…more like infatuation..lol.) I remember even being ashamed on behalf of my step-sisters for having to be associated with me. They were cool, I wasn’t. And it’s not exactly like we were good friends. “Good morning, good night and happy birthday” was more or less the extent of our conversations after age 13 (before that we got along…but we just grew apart). I haven’t spoken to them at all since the family split up.
So last night we decided to look up this 8 year old hottie. Only now he’s twenty or so plus that. And although he still looks like a nice guy, he has a receding hairline and I don’t think he’s the talk of the town anymore, unless for his kindness and personality. Somehow seeing his face made me realize how much we live in a dream world. How events that shaped us 20 or more years ago set the scene for what was to come, but now it’s a dream, not a reality. I am not that little girl. Nor is he that little boy.
Some friend of mine pointed out I often fall for guys that it’s hard to get to know, truly get into their heart, and I wondered why? I have at least 15 friends that I would tell just about anything to. It’s fairly easy to get to know me if you spend more than an hour with me and we get along. I may still be scared to drag attention to myself when in a crowd, but once you speak with me I am very open. And if you give me a stage, I’ll be more than happy to peak to a sea of people…I just have a problem asking for the stage. Asking for the attention….but I’m getting there!! When I was younger I was ashamed of my past, but now I see it more as an asset if anything – it has helped me learn so much about life and gain true, inner confidence. So I was like: why do I date guys whose hearts may be a bit closed off when I’m open?
Well, for years I taught myself to be so strong that no matter what a guy would tell me, in my heart I would know I am OK. Even if they would look at me and leave the room, or as one guy did: tell me no one could fall in love with me, I’d be OK. I didn’t train myself to trust a man though. I trained myself not to give into a man. I trained myself to stand up for myself. I even trained myself to love myself. I didn’t like the idea of leaning onto someone else though. The idea of building a future with someone is scary, because how can I know he will always be there? In my head, my past proved to me that men can’t be trusted and even if they could, well there’s always death too. My mom died out of the blue pretty much – no one expected it to happen. So I believed if I relaxed…that’s when hell would break loose.
It’s backwards, but I actually feel safer dating men I know I can’t count on to stay around, because that’s more predictable. Or so my brain decided. Only it decided that around age 10, or 12. Maybe 16. Looking at this guy’s pictures I realized what a fool I’ve been. Now I think I’d prefer a man who let me into his heart 100% and truly embrace our relationship. A man whom I will be a pride and joy to. A man who loves me, as I am, nutcase personality and all… A man whom I will open my heart to, not just by sharing my thoughts and feelings, but whom I will let into my heart and fully embrace as someone I can trust. Someone I can give myself to fully. Someone I WILL give myself to fully. I will just jump out of a plane with him, doing skydiving to prove just how much I trust him. Or not. LOL!
Facebook spying people, I highly recommend it…