Don’t worry: if my headline isn’t alluring to sex quite as much as it could – we’ll get to the sex further down. Please don’t just scroll through the top part though. In that case you’ll give away that you are only just after one thing and probably not paying enough attention to the other parts of your lover. Just saying.
Remember as a kid when you couldn’t have whatever lollipop you wanted, whenever you wanted it? And you yelled and screamed and stomped around? Then you grew up and now you can go lick whatever lollipop you feel like licking…
The problem with this is: if you didn’t lick a specific kind of lollipop as a kid, you may never lick that specific kind of lollipop, because you are drawn to what you know and you may be unwilling to give what you never got. Deida talks about it in Instant Enlightenment (yes, I am going through a Deida phase at the moment: don’t worry, I will soon move onto something else):
What do you wish your parents had told you more? Really feel into your childhood. Feel, as a child, what your parents said or didn’t say to you. What do you wish your parents had given you more of? What do you wish your parents had said to you?
To the next person you see, silently give the praise you didn’t get enough of from your parents, but wish you had. Give this praise silently to everyone you see for the next three days. In your imagination, give this praise silently to your parents, right now. How does it feel to offer the praise you never got, but wished you did?
If your heart doesn’t feel this praise is true while giving it to your parents; if you feel that you are faking it; then you are probably carrying around a turtle shell or “home” of non-praise in which you hide.
Your retraction of praise shapes the love you are willing to give; through speech, sex, and touch. It also holds back the love you would otherwise offer through your life’s work.
Give the praise that you wish that your parents had given you more of. Give it to everyone silently, and give it to your lover out loud, whether you feel they deserve it or not. Find out what happens when you do.
Now, there’s also a difference between licking a lollipop without thinking about what you are doing and truly indulging in that lollipop – exploring what it tastes like, feels like, looks like… And this is where the sex bit comes in (I did promise, didn’t I?). I think the below passage is profound because what most of us are afraid of in relationhips is the lack of love, of connection and understanding, as well as someone who really pays attention, invests themselves into the relationship and ahem, indulges in you…licks every single part of your body and soul (metaphorically speaking, of course…). AND it is crucial to remember the love even when you encounter the difficult parts – there’s a huge difference in explaining to someone with love what you are dissatisfied with in the relationship and screaming and swearing at them whilst telling them. More so than anything: it’s the intention behind the words, not the words themselves that count. (Someone can have the mental action “I stab” when saying: “Honey, you forgot to take out the rubbish.” …and when you are at the receiving end of the stabbing, you don’t feel too good, even if you didn’t deserve it.)
Tussle
If you have a lover whom you trust, look into his or her eyes until you feel each other’s love fully, as if your hearts were entirely connected. With your right hand, sexually stimulate your lover, as your lover sexually stimulates you. When you feel your lover’s love lessening–perhaps he or she becomes distracted or self-absorbed–then lift your left hand as a signal.
When you feel love diminish in your lover’s gaze-from-the-heart, then raise your left hand. At this signal, you and your lover remove physical contact until full love-connection is reestablished through your mutual gaze. Then, when undiminished love is once again felt by both of you, lower your left hand.
Of course, your lover may also raise his or her left hand when the love-connection between you is felt to diminish. Both of you remain true to your agreement to remove physical contact until love comes back to felt-fullness through your deep heart-gazing, and then the left hand is lowered.
When you get good at sexually stimulating each other, maintaining a gaze of full love, and feeling connected heart to heart, then you are ready for the next step.
Start by adding dirty words. If saying dirty words causes the felt love-connection to diminish, then your or your lover’s left hand is raised, and you stop talking and touching. When love is reestablished– when you both can feel your hearts connected and your gaze is deep into each other’s open soul–then continue touching and talking dirty.
Practice this until you can say anything, even swear at each other, and still maintain deep heart connection and humor.
When you can do this, add a further step: practice tussling. Perhaps you start by pinching each other, tickling, or wrestling. Maintain deep heart-gazing even while tussling. Each of you can raise your left hand anytime you feel love diminish, whereupon you stop all actions and remove physical contact.
Resume tussling when, through gazing into each other’s soul, you both trust what you feel.
In real life, you can raise your left hand with your lover at any time to indicate that it’s time to connect deeper, even in the middle of heated arguments, or when either of you genuinely feels hurt. By doing so, you can learn to instantly re-establish a deep heart-to-heart connection with your lover simply through gazing, opening, and feeling each other’s love.
Start by playing at sexual stimulation, swearing, and tussling, while giving feedback by raising your left hand when feeling a disconnection between your hearts. Through this process, you will learn to re-connect through love’s deep gaze, even in the course of a sudden and real altercation, the kind that might usually take hours, or even days, to resolve.
You can always talk about it later if you want. The way of instant loving is really this fast, cheap, and nasty, if you are willing to feel through your emotional resistances as well as your lover’s, and allow your otherwise recoiling hearts to connect and relax in trust.
I’m off to lick the world…I mean make love to the world peeps…later!
Thanks to David Deida for the inspiration and I’m not saying this, but on Scribd you could potentially find some of his works. I didn’t just say that.
