So, I always liked a man who didn’t take no** for an answer…I’ve always had this idea that a man needs to conquer me, but once he has me…well, I’m his. Game over (…or well: more interesting games begin…). And if he likes to keep playing with someone who’s hard to get, he has to look for new pastures. Sometimes I feel this is wrong – I should keep playing a game to keep someone on their toes, so I get to keep them. I mean if they are amazing, then you should want to keep them right, and if you know how to, then why not? That’s not my true wish though – I want both an amazing man AND an amazing relationship. However, I have this automatic “Oh, I should just please…” reaction so that I can keep something I like – basically I compromise my own ideals in favor for keeping a friend, lover, or business deal, because I value said friend/lover/business deal more than my own needs/wants. It’s not right to do that though, because I’m not staying true to me then and I’m never satisfied. We only ever get what we truly want when we are truly true to ourselves.
As long as this mentality to please is in me I will continue to meet people who want me to be something I am not. That’s what I put out there, so that’s what I get in response. I mean if someone sees a jacket that has the label “suitable for sun, rain and snow,” they will buy that jacket thinking it’s suitable for sun, rain and snow, not knowing that the jacket would prefer to only be suitable for rain.
I’m starting to learn to set my boundaries, not accepting something I kind of want instead of waiting for something I truly want, as well as KNOWING what I truly want. There was a time when I didn’t know. Now I know more what I want in life AND I’m starting to believe that I’m valuable enough to get it. That means I don’t settle for something that kind of fits, just because it feels like something instead of nothing. Sometimes we need stepping-stones, but that’s different from settling for a permanent “not too bad” deal.
I learnt a lot from one of my biz partners, Em, last year as I have a way of selling out that’s not at all like her. When someone impresses me with something, I want it. And I want it so bad I give away too much. For example I may very well compromise the way I want to run the company in exchange for an investment from company X. In a word: belittle myself in front of them. Em is more like: “let’s value our own talents for a while. Think about what we truly want. And trust that sooner or later, when we are ready for it, it will show up. We may have to do more on our own without this amazing assistance, but at least we will get it done our way.” She has patience, whereas I stomp ahead and want to make things happen as soon as possible, even if that means settling for less than what I want.
I used to be impatient like that in love as well…I didn’t really know what I wanted, I didn’t really distinguish love from flings – one thing could lead to another and I started in whatever end…I wanted a relationship, but maybe just some sex would be good whilst waiting? And why wait and see if you loved them and they loved you…you could just have some fun in the meantime… Now, thanks to an experience I had last year, I’m like “If I don’t love you and you don’t love me, why would I be making love to you? It’s not the magical experience I’m looking for, so…” As a friend of mine says: “Royal P.” You don’t get Royal P for no reason. Get my point? If you just want sex it’s a different game, as it has nothing to do with making love and everything to do with a yummy indulgence that has no restrictions apart from safety. You don’t need to be in love, or be loved…you just need attraction. …and sometimes…yummy indulgences are hard to resist (something reminded me of this today), but if you take your eye off the ball…
Of course there are always compromises to be made – you have to understand reality. My principal always used to say: “Romeo may have wanted four children and Juliet five, but they were still madly in love.” And as I said: stepping-stones.
In a way this is about knowing what you want (sometimes our minds are clouded by pre-conceptions…make sure you don’t say no or yes to anything before you are clear on what you are wanting!). In a way it’s about making sure you know what you are buying into when you sign the deal. In a way it’s about knowing your own value, knowing you can get what you want and therefore be willing to accept no less. In a way it’s about patience – you may have to wait a bit longer to get the whole cake instead of just a slice…but if you keep eating slices you are likely to miss the whole cake! And in a way it’s about being clear about what you are offering – don’t offer pennies if you want dollar bills in return. You can’t demand of others what you are not willing to give, or what you haven’t clearly stated you are looking for. A lot of things get lost in translation (and deal making) if you aren’t clear about things.
Hmm so yeah…I’m waiting to be conquered by a strong man and a few strong business deals…in the meantime I will…I will…I will…use your imagination to figure that one out… (Life’s filled with splendid things to do, don’t you think???….)
(P.S. I know I have blogged about this before, but some point I need to make more than once so that I get them myself…)
**With “no” I mean no as in two people have chemistry and in the beginning you are just checking each other out right?! Trying things on… And underneath that there is that “Can I have you? Do you want me? Do I want you? Can you have me?” thing going on. And at some point I just assume that the guy will make a decision he shall have the girl and do his darndest best to get her. And that could be anything from “I will just kiss you now, I don’t care what you say” to taking charge in some other way. Of course said man needs to keep his senses alive: if he senses there is no interest at all, there is no game…then a no is a no. There is a huge difference between fluttering your eyelids and saying no with a smile and the mental action “I invite” and staring someone blank in the eye and giving a straight forward no. Besides in most of this is not about verbal yes and no:s. It’s about a man taking charge in one way or another. It’s not about overruling REAL wishes, it’s about taking charge.