I was talking to someone yesterday who told me: “Shouldn’t love be effortless?!!” In my humble opinion (which I’m trying to make more humble): no. If you think about it – eating, satisfying our own hunger, is one of our most basic needs and pleasures in life. To do so you have to either fetch the food in the forest, or earn money for someone else to fetch it for you. Then you have to chew it and then digest it. Then whatever isn’t necessary leaves your system and it starts all over again. You don’t eat once and then you are full. Every day you need food. Every day you have to go through the same process, if yet slightly different from the day before.
In the same way I think love and most other aspects in life are processes. We weren’t born with everything in our palm and when it comes to relationships you have to give of yourself and cherish the relationship. I can adore someone’s personality, I can love them for who they are, but I will only love being in a relationship with them if they take the time and effort to make it a loving, adventurous relationship.
As we were talking about this I also explained something I have been thinking about a lot, which I call the handbag syndrome. Let me explain. When you first meet someone you are living your life, doing whatever it is you are doing and meeting that someone adds something extra to your day – you are looking forward to seeing them/speaking with them as you go through your day and it feels like something extraordinary has been added to your ordinary (or not so ordinary) life. There’s excitement. Then the relationship grows and it’s wonderful and you move together and suddenly the extraordinary has become the ordinary – they are a given part of your life. Of course, they are still wonderful, but they are part of your daily routine and do things like leave a mess in the bathroom, or don’t do their dishes properly, make you wait because they are late, etc., etc. and if you don’t watch out you start taking them for granted – all the cuddles and the sex and the wonder that they are, you simply take for granted.
Why I call that the handbag syndrome is because when you buy a new handbag you love it – you are super excited about all the different pockets that are much better designed than your last one, you notice it on your arm, looking really nice with your outfit and you show it off at every occasion. After a while though, your handbag becomes a practical part of your life. It’s no longer exciting, it’s just beneficial to use. You may love it, it may be your favorite handbag, but there’s nothing exciting about it anymore, it’s just familiar and nice.
I think relationships, unlike a handbag, can continue to grow and develop and turn into something even more amazing than whatever it was at first. Definitively. I think if you lead a creative life, then all the more joy from sharing it with someone who adds extra zest and inspire more adventures. I just believe it’s essential to remember that the excitement of the new will fade and then you will need to fill it with love and wonderful experiences that you share together. And it’s always good to go away from each other so as to be able to come back. It’s beneficial to have time for ourselves and a chance to remember why we adore the person as much as we do. A chance to miss them.
Of course relationships are also two people with two different wills living their lives together – at the start you are living separate lives, you meet for dates and so on, but after a while you merge a large part of your lives and there will be times when you want different things and that’s when it’s even more important to remember to discuss it, not by screaming and shouting, or threatening, but with love and find a great path together, as well as allowing separate paths in various areas. It’s always easier to walk your own path, but it’s not necessarily more enjoyable.
It takes a lot to make things flow – to be in the right state of mind, to really want it, to have space for it (I’m sure we’ve all bumped into the right people at the wrong time occasionally…hopefully we bump into them again at the right time)…but maybe more than anything and what people really mean when they talk about “being in the flow”: to resonate with the other person. And that makes them different to the rest of the world….like an extraordinary ordinary part of your extraordinary life.