Hot love…

Clearly I’m not talking about the weather, because it’s far from hot. I could be talking about the hot water bottle pictured here, very useful as a weapon to fight the weather, or I could be talking about sex, or I could be talking about love in and of itself, but actually, I’m talking about packing. Have you ever tried packing a suitcase? Moving? Moving countries? I’ve tried them all. Currently I’m sort of doing them all. I am moving out of my room for summer, with the high likelihood of never returning, apart from picking up my…suitcases.

Now, I’m not really into packing. It’s rather peculiar as I’m into travelling. Travelling is my *hot love* Maybe I would be into packing too if I knew how to travel lightly. I don’t. I mean I do, but then what the heck are you going to wear? And what about all your acrylics and paintbrushes and that Louis Vuitton bag? Not to mention your grandma’s cookbooks. They always travel with me, in my hand luggage together with the Louis Vuitton bag and my jewelry. You gotta know your priorities.

Clearly I don’t suffer from attachments as I’m on a spiritual quest and all that, but now the issue is whether to keep my BJJ GI and my skiing outfit, or not? I rarely snowboard (skiing I’ve never really tried, apart from round the house, age nine) and I don’t do BJJ since I injured my knee. I would like to snowboard and do BJJ again though. Chances are I’ll be snowboarding and doing BJJ far from Britain, or Sweden where I’m planning to take my bags, which means I’d have to come back to get my outfits. Like next Christmas holiday, unless of course I’m going from Cape Town to LA, which means I can’t fit anything else into my bags, as luggage allowances sucks unless you wanna pay the big bucks. So then I have to wait until the summer holidays.

Now, there’s also the erm little problem that I have my dad’s attic stuffed with everything from champagne glasses and fine china to pizza plates and drawings from age two or so. I may have like 500 books there as well. So once I have money to buy a house in a place I love…well then I need to ship all that stuff. And the skiing gear (which is the last present I got from my much beloved grandpa) and my BJJ outfit (with a pink dragon on it, imported from Brazil and extremely comfy. There’s even one strip on my belt too. A-fucking-mazing.). So you see my dilemma? How I have no attachments?

So that ladies and gents is it. I’m escaping packing hell to have a drink with a friend. When I return I will have…sorted this out (did you know that if you take the bus to Sweden you can take two bags weighing twenty kilos each and a third one only costs ten pounds extra? You need to know these things, especially if you suffer from non-attachment to your peach colored high-heeled shoes you only wear once a year as they are so not comfortable).

Later. When sanity returns.

How my bag looked at one point during the day…

Same bag at JFK airport in New York. I think it’s been to Russia, China, Morocco, France, LA, Sweden, Britain, Canada, Spain and who knows where else…and still, with all this travelling its mind does not seem to have expanded enough for me to fit both BJJ and skiing in there…tragic…

The story of my heart…

I walked by an old man today. He was sitting outside a little bistro in Soho drinking a glass of wine. When I passed by the wine was almost finished. He looked nice in his checkered shirt and khaki trousers, a pair of braces and his cane resting in his lap. It’s an unusual sight in Soho. An old man in a bistro. In fact all around London it tends to be an unusual sight.

He looked so nice and kind, a bit lonely and I desperately wanted to go up to him and sit down for a chat, but in a typical me fashion I didn’t. I didn’t know how to approach him. I wanted an excuse, a reason, but I had none. I just wanted to say hello and ask him who he was. What stories he could tell me. Maybe he was one of the veteran pilots from WWII that they celebrated today? I panicked just hearing the sound of a plane flying across our offices, as I didn’t know it was taking place, but I do know the sound of fighter jets. What would it have been like in the war? Was he ever married? How did he meet his wife? What kind of stories make up his life?

“That’s the reason we kind of exist. It’s like our Job. To give to each other. And learn from each other. To capture moments of people. So it’s really strange to have somebody ignore the obvious human being right in front of them.”  – Angelina Jolie

Each person we meet has a story to tell. A story filled with the same love, fear, sadness and joy you have in your own heart. A life so much the same, yet so different from yours. I find it fascinating, all these stories…and how we sometimes ignore them. How we prefer to turn the other way. How little we wish to understand, support and learn from one another. How in a big city you can be completely alone.

I wish, I wish I could reach out my hand to all those that pass me by and they could feel safe taking it. I wish those that took it would do so with love and kindness. With a willingness to share life, rather than defend their own borders. I wish I could remove some of my own borders and offer love and kindness to those that cross my path, whether we end up life long friends, or not.

What a different world it would be if we all felt safe and welcomed in each other’s company. If each person met you with a smile and held out a hand if they felt like talking just then. And if we would respect their wish to be alone if they didn’t, but still greet them with a smile and an open heart. There are people we love spending time with and those we don’t, but what if we could accept that with loving kindness? What if we could still be nice to everyone?

People are such treasure chests filled with stories. Of life. Of love. Whether their treasures are released, or locked up deep inside. Yet we ignore them. We ignore them because they come at us with anger, pain, sexual desires, irritating habits and a myriad of other things that may not suit us. Not at that moment in time. Or maybe they are locked and we don’t think it’s worth the time and energy unlocking them – of making them trust us enough to share their most precious – themselves. And sometimes it’s us that come at them with anger, fear and whatever else, or an intense desire to be loved, yet no love of self and therefore no faith that we will, or feeling that we will be OK if we don’t.

I just wonder if it would be different if we could approach each other in a loving way? If we could respect each other’s borders and still be open with one another? If we could approach each other not to get something but to give something? I’m not sure last time I heard someone say I’m looking for someone to give of myself to. I want sex. I want jokes. I want a hot body. I want a great dancer. I want… No wonder we get frightened of one another…

I wish schools taught love. Friendliness. Open heartedness. True confidence. How to follow your heart. I wish I knew how to do so when I meet strangers on a crowded street in a bustling summer evening. An evening where I could have shared something, given something, learnt something…but instead I walked away. I wish I knew. I wish I had the guts to be different. Lord knows I’m different today from years ago, but still. I have a long way to go. I wish I could cry. Let out all my own anger and sadness, so that I would heal. Learn to trust again. Give of myself again. Open the treasure chest that is my heart. A heart I’m sure an old man in Soho wouldn’t have minded having a conversation with for a few moments on summer’s night.

I hope that one day I will be able to capture stories of human hearts and share them with the world, not least my own.

No hanky panky, just a bit of…a bit of…something else…

Do you ever feel like you need to make love to someone right this instance, or you will explode (or evaporate into a cloud of chocolate due to over consumption)? In the workshops I’ve been doing about intuition and the hero’s journey their way of explaining it is that tension seeks resolution, whether by means of sex, or chocolate, or something else. If you have a lot of built up sexual energy, or frustration in your life in one way or another, you will want to release it. That’s why you have such great make up sex – a lot of tension is directed towards…pleasure. (I could really do with some passionate make up sex right now, I’m just not sure who I’m gonna piss off? Maybe the next six-pack I come across. Because you see loads of those in the streets of London. Not. Try Malibu.)

So anyway I had a point with this beyond the sex. I often do. The problem is that it’s past midnight and I can’t remember what it was. Somewhere around Malibu I lost it. Potentially because right now my tension has more to do with lack of sunshine than lack of men. Men exist pretty much everywhere. Sunshine doesn’t. I’ve had visions of LA all day long. Where the hell was I? Right. Tension seeks resolution. So the whole point is to resolve your tension in a good way. In a way that benefits you. (Epiphany – I just remembered what I meant to say…I’ll soon get there…) Just because you have sexual energy build up, or frustration in another area doesn’t necessarily mean that you should go off and shag someone – you could paint, build a bridge, climb a mountain…or whatever it is you truly desire to do in life. (If everyone decided sex was the only way to seek resolution…crikey – imagine having a bad boss. The office would turn into a swinging club.)

Now, I’ve had a lot of tension recently because I realized, well, hell I do not wanna live as I have been living. And thus far I’ve been resolving the tension pretty marvelously if I may say so myself. I’ve been taking massive action to do what I would love, which is tell stories through writing and directing, help people – especially children, live in the sun and go on adventures as a traveller. In the future I would also love to make my stories realities by creating products and services that would make them so. One step at a time though.

Now my point, my point is that often when my tension seeks resolution I travel. I just go somewhere and everything gets better for a while. I love travelling. And it does give you a break from your surroundings which leave you with a clearer head when you return. Sometimes I take it further though and simply move countries. So what became obvious to me was that maybe, just maybe I shouldn’t have to do this. I mean I will continue to love traveling and exploring, adventure and what not, but I would love to create a life where I am living what I love, rather than having to move so as to get temporarily excited by something new (I really understand men who can’t settle with one woman – I have the same issue, but with where to live – everything’s tempting and just the one place leaves me slightly claustrophobic). So for me, what I know is wherever I go next, because I’m still pro going to the sun, I have to create something whereby it takes me further in my career as well. I want to write, direct movies and help people, kids in particular, so wherever I go it should take me however many steps closer to that. I.e. I can’t just fuck off to Africa, spend my money and then return empty-handed and heart-broken because I’m forced to leave the sun and a lifestyle where I made movies, wrote and helped people not because I was paid to do so, but because I was spending my savings to do so. I have to create a way of doing what I love and earn an income from it. So each move should be a step in that direction, unless I have time and money to spare to do something different.

I’m not sure if you have similar patterns – from ice cream to red wine, from romance novels to porn, from crazy work-outs to vacations, or sexcations – there’s a lot of stuff we do to resolve tension. We can resolve it by doing what we love and living the dream as well though and that’s the ultimate goal….i.e. let you heart, not your frustration, guide you. (I’m right now living my dream even by just writing this blog. The idea that people actually read it and ever so often gets something out of it, whether entertainment, an insight into another person’s life that brings a sense of understanding, some aha moment, or inspiration…that’s fucking fabulous!)

So yeah, I’m just gonna go and not fuck someone and not run off to the sunshine…I wanna have sex and go live in the sun, but in a way where I follow my heart rather than my…frustration. Love one step. Love two step. Love, love, love…

Love this poster…hilarious!!!

Burning my romantic history…

I don’t know how to say this. There is no good way of saying this because my romantic history is often a case of non-existent, or radically insane. If I tell you some true stories you may faint. I am always close to fainting myself when revealing my romantic (or not so romantic) past, but I’m so used to it by now that the main effect it has on me is breaking into hysterical laughter. Unless it’s 4am. Then I’m prone to signing myself into a rehabilitation center for the broken hearted. We all have our weaker moments.

I started writing this post, or rather made an attempt to write it, sitting all wrapped up in my best friend’s boyfriend’s couch after watching Valentine’s Day (I didn’t pick the movie, my best friend’s BF did…I would never pick that movie, which probably says it all). I felt sort of comfy on his massive couch, wearing his sweatpants, my best friend’s hoody and being half, or almost entirely, hidden underneath a duvet. It’s those moments of feeling utterly comfortable when you decide to burn your romantic history. Start anew. Start afresh. Fall madly in love with something other than the men that can get you in a parallel position by the force of overwhelming testosterone.

So to give you an example, potentially the worst example, of my charming past, let me tell you about erm Mr X. This dude was super intelligent, rich, insanely good looking, fit and so on. I loved talking to him. We could talk for hours on end. He told me he was “self-contained” practicing some spiritual method of refraining from sex unless he fell in love. However, the man had one issue: he was emotionally insane….which made for nice funny writing material, but dude…you did not wanna date him. After we broke up our little fling I heard this story…

He went to Atlanta with his girlfriend. At the hotel in Atlanta he bumped into a girl he usually dated when in Atlanta (naturally you have one chick in every harbor…). This girl had told him she was a virgin when they met (as you do…), but it turned out she was a high-class prostitute (I date you so long as you pay for me sort of thing), addicted to coke. In either case – he was in love with her. He just couldn’t have her and his girlfriend knew nothing about her (it’s always good to have a girlfriend and be in love with someone else. Classic). At the same hotel he bumped into another high-class prostitute (I really wonder what hotel this was?), who, to topple it off, was Swedish. This woman was madly in love with him, as presumably he had been using her services. So there he was, this self-contained spiritual man with two prostitutes and his girlfriend in a wacko triangle drama. The truth? He was a sex addict. Now, if this wasn’t enough, at the time he was also being hunted by a hit man as one of his best friends was dating the daughter of a billionaire, and the billionaire dude didn’t like his daughter dating a 20 year older married man. Apart from that and a few other disasters the man was truly highly intelligent, rich, good-looking and so on….he just came from a very troubled past, which he had tried to solve first with coke, then with therapy and continuously with lies. Neither really worked.

Now, that’s just the icing on the cake. My love life can mostly be likened to a soap opera on tele, where all the characters were really nice (deep down inside), but everything went really wrong (from: “As we said we were doing a house swap (before we had sex) and you stayed the weekend (when we did have sex, which was a disaster), can I now come stay the night and bring my mother as we need to catch a flight from your town tomorrow?” to “My boyfriend told me you were having an affair.” Really? Somewhere there is some sort of misunderstanding here and really he’s a nice guy and no, no, no, no, NO. …and this moment is just not happening to me, because this can’t be my life, because I don’t end up in situations like these, because…I just don’t. Right. “I just got out of rehab with Lindsay Lohan, pretty cool isn’t it?” The rehab bit, fine. Thinking Lindsay Lohan is cool on the other hand…. “I did not cheat on you. That’s just what everyone’s saying.” The Nile ain’t just a river in Egypt my dear…), but it’s not like I’m some bad ass chick that run around sleeping with men. I’m like Miss Saintlihood when it comes to my approach to love (not sex). So why the soap opera? Because I’m scared. Like if you ask me to think the thought of being in a relationship my most prominent feelings would be fear and panic. Somewhere around age four my love life went tits up and so I started believing men couldn’t be trusted, no one could love me and so on. I’ve been drawn to my own beliefs (that little parrot inside that screams: you suck and you don’t just suck men, you suck at men and they suck and everything sucks!!!). Most of the guys I’ve been with have actually had good hearts too, but because of their beliefs they needed to radically fuck up their love lives. Just like me. So whether they really loved me, or not, whether we truly connected, or not…things did not go down in the book of great love stories (more like the book of romantic comedies that didn’t have a happy ending thus far). We destroyed all the potential there was for happily ever after with our own behaviors, stemming from untrue beliefs about ourselves. In truth we are our hearts, in reality we have been acting out our minds, or whatever history told us was true according to our own interpretation (someone get me a translator).

Life age four was not a mirror of who you were, even if you thought so. Life was a projection of other people’s beliefs onto you. Then you started believing their beliefs and acting them out. That way the mirror stayed the same.

So if you’ve been looking at this twisted mirror image your whole life (or listened to that parrot inside screaming “You suck!”), what do you do? I decided to circumnavigate it. Instead of speaking of my past (although it would make a really good comedy) and how emotionally fucked up I’ve been due to x, y, z (believe me – I know a lot of my emotional issues and where they came from. I’ve analyzed myself to the point of ridicule. Freud would be proud.) I will speak of what I love and what I would love. So I love men. I love muscles. I love laughing with someone. I love being made to laugh in a loving way. I love holding hands. I love intimate, truthful moments. I love honesty. I love trust. I love feeling that I am loved. I would love to be in an honest relationship. I would love to be loved. I would love to love. I would love to play with someone. I would love to trust. I would love to be creative with someone. I would love to have a family with someone. I would love to be adventurous with someone. I would love to live the life of my heart with someone who lives the life of his heart. I would love for all those someone’s to be the same someone, as I would love to be married to a man I love who loves me. This way, somehow, don’t ask me how, it generates images of what you truly love. Not the three gazillion fears you have if you are asked to think about having a relationship, or worse: talk about your past relationships.

It’s like this morning – I had a nightmare about visa issues and I was in a dreadful mood, starting to contemplate all the issues with wanting to live in Africa and Cali. Then suddenly it hit me that instead I should focus on what I love. I would love to easily get visas. Cloud gone, sun shining. That’s not to say that a visa will appear out of nowhere, but on a sunny day I happily climb a mountain singing, but on a rainy day I stumble, fall, swear, get wet and angry and may just miss the top for all the fog. I prefer the sun.

Someone asked me the other day: so are you closing the door to your past then? I said no. I’m burning my past (much more dramatic and I never close the door to people from my past, I just choose to see them for the now. The past is very much gone). I’m starting anew and afresh. I’m starting with what I love. I want to see myself and people for who they are today. Yesterday is an unfair judge of both others and myself. Yesterday is unimportant, unless I want to repeat it.

I don’t know if this will work, but I do know I just want to be me from now on and being me means focusing on what I love. If I don’t want something, or I consider it a mistake, it must mean it’s not truly me. It’s something I’ve created by mistake, rather than by intention.

I’ve been extremely happy in the last few weeks, because I’ve started living a life that’s focused on…well, my heart. Instead of trying to be someone I’m not I’m allowing myself to be who I am (including facing up to my less sweeter sides). It’s making me blissfully happy. I feel true to myself. I feel free. I feel like when I meet people they actually get to meet me.

When I’m congruent with who I am and what I want, I’m free, happy and loving. I would love for that to include my love life too.

Success…up my ass, as usual…

I feel like I’ve had one big orgasm and just exploded. You know when you suddenly stand there naked, all gates open? Obviously it’s a metaphor, but you know what I mean, right? Like you are you again. And I am a traveller, an adventurer who would love to share my stories with the world and work with helping people. It’s really that simple.

To some I’m sure it sounds absolutely retarded to give into your idea of being who you are, because let’s face it: I didn’t say that I want to work my way up a corporation and get a two bedroom flat overlooking the Thames. I more like said I wanna pack my life into a bag and hit the wilderness accompanied by my camera and my MacBook. Not what everyone deems success, but as I always say: success up my ass. Happiness…now that’s something.

I’m thinking I want to head to Africa in fall and then probably back to LA, or wherever else fancy takes me. I tried. I really did try to come back to the UK, set up a company and settle down. All it’s led to is headaches. Severe headaches. I don’t think settling down is for me. I always said I’d bring my baby with me in the bush. I’d love a proper home somewhere and one firm base, but to be entirely tied down…I can’t imagine it. Know why I love the film industry? You move from project to project and you live in trailers half of the time. No clue of how to break into the film industry, but I’ll figure that out. Firstly I’m focusing on my writing.

Found two jobs today – one customer service thing and one writing articles. Both greatly underpaid, but both movable. As in I can do them from anywhere. It’s a start.

I have no idea what will happen to be honest – maybe I’ll find a project here that means I’ll stay longer, or I’ll head to LA first, or France, or the Bahamas, but I think the point is that I feel like I’m awake because I focus on finding solutions that enable me to do what I love. I love the things I’ve previously mentioned. Just the thought of getting on a plane and heading for adventure – I’m suddenly wide awake and all heart. I thought I needed to have a proper job to afford that lifestyle, but instead I think I will make it my lifestyle to work like that. It’s like the story of the man who met a fisherman:

A few years ago, a very rich businessman decides to take a vacation to a small tropical island in the South Pacific. He has worked hard all his life and has decided that now is the time to enjoy the fruits of his labor. He is excited about visiting the island because he’s heard that there is incredible fishing there. He loved fishing as a young boy, but hasn’t gone in years because he has been so busy working to save for his retirement.

So on the first day, he has his breakfast and heads to the beach. It’s around 9:30 am. There he spots a fisherman coming in with a large bucket full of fish!

How long did you fish for? he asks. The fisherman looks at the businessman with a wide grin across his face and explains that the fishes for about three hours every day. The businessman then asks him why he returned so quickly.

Don’t worry, says the fisherman, There’s still plenty of fish out there.

Dumbfounded, the businessman asks the fisherman why he didn’t continue catching more fish. The fisherman patiently explains that what he caught is all he needs. I’ll spend the rest of the day playing with my family, talking with my friends and maybe drinking a little wine. After that I’ll relax on the beach.”

Now the rich businessman figures he needs to teach this peasant fisherman a thing or two. So he explains to him that he should stay out all day and catch more fish. Then he could save up the extra money he makes and buy even bigger boats to catch even more fish. The he could keep reinvesting his profits in even more boats and hire many other fisherman to work for him. If he works really hard, in 20 or 30 years he’ll be a very rich man indeed.

The businessman feels pleased that he’s helped teach this simple fellow how to become rich. Then the fisherman looks at the businessman with a puzzled look on his face and asks what he’ll do after he becomes very rich.

The businessman responds quickly You can spend time with your family, talk with your friends, and maybe drink a little wine. Or you could just relax on the beach.

Of course I’m scared too…because I didn’t choose the path of so-called security, but I need to live. I really need to live. I just have to figure out the wisest way of doing so, so that I don’t compromise things, but rather grow, both as a person and as a writer, director, producer and moneymaker. I am very hot-headed and love throwing myself into things, but this time: one step at a time.

Actions: found two job prospects and was offered another. Was offered more than one actually, but that was because someone headhunted me and I didn’t want that job. Looked into some publishing criteria for Harlequin. For some reason I’ve always aspired to write one of those extremely cheesy novels, but hopefully with better taste. I mean it’s like so tempting to take the piss out of the whole thing.

Negative Thoughts: OMG. I’m really doing this – legs shaking. It’s OK not to make much money to start off with, but I still want a house and a family by the end of the day, so somehow I need to figure it out, or let my heart take me there too. My hands get worn out from typing. I know no one in Africa. Bound to change, but still. It’s kind of…nervwrecking…

Positive Thoughts: I just feel so happy and content. I feel like I’m myself again. Used to feel like this in LA. Free. Happy. Like me you know.

My favorite photo from work – Leda by Ralph Gibson

Free falling…

I’m trying to collect my thoughts enough to write something, but it ain’t going too well. Maybe I should just write anyway.

I’m in Covent Garden at Le Pain Quotidien. My beloved Le Pain Quotidien. I don’t haunt pubs, I haunt coffee shops and wine bars. I love it as I can sit down and type away, surrounded by people.

I went to see a friend this morning for a back treatment, then we ended up sitting talking by the Thames in the windy sunshine. After that I walked here, after here a haircut and then a production meeting at my member’s club. I treasure days like these. So simple and filled with what I love – writing, directing and people.

It reminds me of another time. I was over in London from LA, just after Easter. I was sitting in this very cafe, writing. Probably about a boy. I mean it’s always about a boy isn’t it? Whether he exists, or not. Whether he is a figment of my imagination, or a reality. Whether I truly care in that moment, or not. Whether he is a dream for the future, an unknown face, or a current reality. That particular boy from long ago, whatever he was, or is, he taught me many things…“…the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” Funny how love works. Funny how we learn what we want to learn, so if the person does nothing. We just learn.

There is a grain of sand. The sand doesn’t do much. It’s just…sand, but if I look at the grain of sand for long enough, if I study how the elements move it, how it is shaped, it’s weight, how it behaves…I’m sure to learn something. And maybe that’s what life is like: we set out to learn things and somehow we teach ourselves by our interactions with life.

It’s funny – looking around on this crowded square you see men that feel cool because their hair is combed in a certain way and their Raybans give them a certain look. Yet, underneath it…they are naked. When life tosses them about, they are naked. Standing in the midst of what is presented. Then, I guess all you have is your heart and the love you have showered on others. The love that then returns to sender. Even in the midst of the eye of the storm when they have nothing but themselves. No Raybans. No credit cards. They still get the love, the return to sender.

Love means so much to me and it’s really strange how I’ve managed to avoid it. Not avoided feeling it, but achieving it. Too scared I wasn’t worth it, couldn’t have it. Too scared by my past to move into my future. Too hidden behind credit cards and Raybans trying to be seen as being someone, rather than just being. To scared when looking around at the people who found the candle, but let the wind extinguish the flame…the ones that didn’t keep love alive, I guess it scared me even more.

I used to blame my love life on the men. Even though I took responsibility for my own choices by the end of the day I still blamed them somehow. On another trip to London I remember thinking: “I came all this way and you didn’t even try it you bastard. You never even lit the flame, so how will we ever know? You closed your door before you ever opened it. And I will have to live with not knowing.” Of course people’s choice are up to them. With an open heart you just move onto find an open heart. Yet in this instance, even if he would have tried, I would have killed it. I didn’t trust it, I never do. And yet, I love so much.

I don’t know how to trust love, as it’s always gone wrong. I guess I will have to start living in it. Living in love. So I feel it and know it. Know when someone loves me too. Not just heart to heart, soul to soul, but the dedication to that connection. I never fell for those men. I fell for cowards like me. I may cross the Atlantic, but to open my eyes and show my love…to trust them with my love…I would never even reach my hand across the table and mean it. I mean, I would mean it. Deep down inside, but that wouldn’t come across. I would be scared. I wouldn’t trust them, probably for good reasons. You are drawn to your beliefs. And so I would ruin it.

“How does it feel to be on your own…like a rolling stone…” The street musician is nailing it. I’ve finished my walnut bread sandwich and hot chocolate. The wind is blowing to the point of moving umbrellas and shaking the tables. My heart is opening. One morsel, or sip rather, of hot cocoa at the time. My ex used to say hot cocoa. I remember that from when we first met at the tender age of 17 in the French countryside. I believe I told him, standing outside a church that I’d love to get married there. Just not to him.

I don’t know how to finish this. Maybe because I don’t know how it will go…maybe one day, maybe one day I will taste love again.

“…and I’m free, free falling….” The street musician finished it for me as he moved onto: “find a girl settle down…there’s a way…” Time to move on. With an open heart.

Whirlwind love making in twenty different ways…

Right, so this week is like…like what I imagine having sex in ten different places and twenty different positions would be like…you know what I mean? Not that I know what I mean, because I’m still doing the sweet virgin thing (re-instated virgin…right…)…but you know what I mean? Upheaval, change, storm wind…and in the midst of it all: peace, love and a funny sense of finally, finally coming home. Finally being who you are and therefore finally feeling at home. I mean I still do some crazy shit and run shit scared away from other shit, because some thoughts are still going bananas in my head…but you know what I mean? (I think I’ve already said you know what I mean like three times…so you probably do know what I mean…right?!)

I think I feel freer than I’ve felt in a long time. Even with the rain pouring down and gray skies I don’t feel…trapped anymore. I know I have a choice. I won’t be tied down to a business keeping me here for the next five years. Oh yes, that’s one of the things: they finally found my replacement at work, so in about six weeks from now I will no longer be Miss Art Gallery Sales Manager, but rather freelance writer and director. Yes, that’s right – I said no to my own company too. I said no, so that I could go and do what I love: tell stories, travel the world and help people. That’s what I would love, so that’s what I will allow my heart to take me on a path to. Am I shit scared? Hell yes. It feels good though. Film. Finally. I’m a director goddamnit!!! I no longer need to stare at Arri trucks when they go by with eyes the size of UFOs and an aching, breaking heart. I can just show up to set and…see Arri lights where they are supposed to be – next to the cameras and my director’s chair.

So yes, that’s a massive change. It’s like I don’t know where anything’s going, but I’m going with my heart, so I feel fine, if freaked out. I have decided to do this course as well – a follow on course to the free weekend seminar on intuition that I did. To do that I am likely to have to couch surf for two months to save up money, so that’s another thing. More upheaval. I want to do the course because I want to live the life I love and I know I will need to change certain things to do so. I need to open my heart basically and I would love some help and support with that.

To some people opening your heart probably sounds like poppycock, or bullshit, or what have you, but to me it’s almost tangible. I know how I’ve lived my life. I know the mistakes I’ve made. Nine out of ten, if not ten out of ten, have sprung from having a closed heart. I’ve been saying this since last year, but if you open your heart and love, whatever is will come to be…because I think if your heart is open you will go on the path that will, in a sense, lead you to your own heart. You will find the outer representation of your heart, as well as being a living expression of your heart, meaning you will create things/situations that represent your heart. As I mentioned in my previous blog it’s very easy to get stuck with the five hundred opposing thoughts and ideas we have in our mind, which are merely echoes of what life has impressed upon us thus far. And if we get stuck there, that’s what we create. We create the opinions of our mothers, fathers (in my case family members really come in plural – I’ve lost track of how many people raised me), polticians, childhood friends…you name it. When our heart is open though, that’s what we are drawn to – our own innermost, most sacred core, which is also the place for love. Not just love for what we love to do, but love for self, others, the planet and life at large. It’s the greatest respect we can give to ourselves and everything else. Love.

With an open heart I also believe you sense things. Like you know which path to go if the heart is leading. If you are open you will feel things. You will, as they say, start using your sixth sense.

I know I’ve said this so many times before, yet, my heart hasn’t always been open. It closed pretty shut when I left LA. I felt a similar peace to what I feel now when I lived in LA. I was in harmony over there. As soon as I moved back to London there was discord. I believe it’s been a very good experience. London is always a very good experience – it knocks me till I fall over, but that’s what heals me. Like I believe I’m much more confident now then when I left LA, but to get there meant to face my nightmares. To be taken far beyond my comfort zones. It felt like (and still sometimes does) being at a party with all your enemies. It’s not very comfortable, but once you’ve faced each enemy, no matter how small you feel at the instance you do so, you grow. You grow because you stop fearing them. You start acting regardless of them. You start living no matter what. And that’s when freedom starts.

I don’t know…so many things going on: I’m directing a full length one woman show, I’ve finished the first proper draft of my book proposal for this blog which I’m now getting feedback from, then gonna edit, I’m learning to properly use my camera, I’m figuring out what to do when work finsihes…there are just really soooo many things going on. So many I’m actually looking forward to have Saturday night off to…clean my room LOL!

I guess also I have a bit of an easier time letting go of some thoughts. Especially to do with people and men. I’ve spent a life time being scared of rejection, thinking people are prone not to like me and even though I’ve known for a long time it isn’t true, I mean Jesus I don’t know what to do with all the men running after me, but still…I somehow believed in it. I ended up in many situations where I felt isolated. That’s what I felt inside, so that’s what I created. The thought that I can actually have a family as well…with a man who loves me…that’s so amazing I’m about to faint. I shared this weekend that as soon as I see a man I love, I run and hide because I get so petrified (really thinking he won’t like me I suppose) and if I can get through that…if I can actually start to truly love myself more and open my heart to men I love. If I can freely express my love in fun and imaginative (dirty) ways…I can create beautiful relationships. Or one beautiful romantic relationship. That would be beyond amazing.

It’s funny what we think possible and impossible in our minds due to our pasts and it’s even funnier when you start going beyond that into thinking everything’s possible. Like having great sex again. OMG…on that note…later.

I think wanna go practice this song, don’t you???

The cock with the loudest cock-a-do-odle-do..

Mamma Mia! That’s how I feel…like the way you are meant to say mamma Mia in Swedish, not like the song…or in English: OMFG (oh my fucking god!)! I feel like I have so much to share I’m not sure where to start, I’ll just start anyway…

So apart from realizing that “Yay! LOL” turns into “Gay Loo” on my BB, I have had a few other epiphanies worth mentioning. The OMFG category of epiphanies…

This weekend I did the same intuitive course I did a few weeks back. I mean after turning my whole life upside down I figured I had to come back to make sense of it all…

1) Security is not love. Basic, I know, but I realized that today as I was wavering about some decisions.

2) To get what you want you have to focus on what you want. Potentially even more basic, but I came to the conclusion I was so stuck in believing certain things about myself and situations I would never move into the person I truly want to be and the life I truly want to live. Simply because I keep seeing obstacles as I imagine myself in a situation I dream of, or just simply imagine myself with obstacles (imperfections). Like there’s the dream, but when I think about the dream it’s no longer the dream, because I start contemplating things that aren’t very dream like. I see both sides of the coin at the same time (for example I would love to live a very free life where I make movies in Africa, London and LA, with frequent vacations in France, but just after thinking that I start thinking about how difficult it can be to break into the film industry) and I usually focus on the one that reflects my past (like I want a loving husband, but at the same time I have been thinking that no man will ever like me so much he stops sleeping around because well…that’s never happened), or what I have already come to believe about myself, rather than the future I want to create.

3) I can easily have 500 contradictory thoughts about the same subject in a day. That’s why listening to your heart and/or intuition is so important, because it will cut the bullshit and leave you with the real deal. (Don Miguel Ruiz talks about “mitote” or all the opinions that were handed down to us from teachers, politicians, the media, family, friends and so on…all these ideas were impressed upon us and so we came to listen to them instead of ourselves. In an “ideal” world both communism and capitalism would be perfect systems right…)

4) Beyond fear lies freedom. I know, we’re getting more and more trite as we go along…but even though once again this sounds so basic it sounds ridiculous, have you actually imagined doing what you love without any fear? I’m usually like “I’d love to spend time with my soul mate in a life long relationship.” Right. Thought of standing next to a man I love, looking him in the eye and having an open heart, acting freely as I am…well that’s what I would love…but thinking about it…well I don’t think of myself acting with an open heart, completely free. Like that’s what I’d want, but what I imagined is a very stiff me (and as I’m not a man, that’s not a pro). Why? Because I’ve never experienced being so supported by love that I’d feel secure opening up, because I’ve been hurt so many times before. So I retract into myself, but that means I recreate a situation where I get hurt, because people fall in love with hearts, not ice walls, or Bambi on ice (I’m somewhere in between petrified and so aloof you can’t see my heart from all the force I’m using to keep myself together…that I don’t need, because when I don’t put in the force and let go, everything is all right….bollocks, going through my romantic history contemplating this I think I’d win a prize for…ice).

5) I may be my heart and soul, but what I act out, unless I completely give up my mind, is my imagination. What I imagine I am, I show up as every day. I think I’m gonna start imagine I’m my heart and soul.

6) I need to start living as I want now. If I can do it now, I can do it later. If I’m not doing it now…well it won’t change just because circumstance change. It’s me that needs to change. So I choose to start living now. If that makes any sense at all…

7) Before you buy into something, or someone, take a moment to ask yourself if it is your heart that wants it. The person who screams the loudest (or does the most sexy manuevers) gets the most attention, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they have the most to give to YOU, or that the sound of their voice reflects their heart. They may have force, but what is that force? (I never used to question force, it’d just floor me. It was the only thing that broke through my ice wall, but sadly it is usually ice walls that break other ice walls, because open hearts seek other open hearts.) Free people who speak their heart tend to be quite noticeable too…but in a different, much more powerful and loving way. Whom you choose to be with depends on whether you are listening with your mind, body, or heart. I still just hope that the guy with the right heart will be playful, outgoing and with the right force to nail me…potentially my heart is still blind…erm. (Who said that thinking about cocks doesn’t change your life? Especially the big loud ones.)

I guess I realized I can have cock…or heart I mean…or you know…a combination of the two…like I’m changing…like hello!

I’m now so tired I have no clue of what I’ve written. If it doesn’t make sense have a word with John Blund as he seriously put some of that sleepy dust in my eyes…nighty night…

Totally…

Jumping…

Bollocks. I just wrote a post that didn’t get saved….I lost it. I feared a I lost my mind a few times today as well, but that’s alright because I might just find my heart in the process.

I’m attending a three day seminar in search of finding my heart’s desires and then fearlessly go after them. I’m starting to realize that maybe I already know what I want but there’s some massive amount of fear attached to it, so I’m constantly side-tracking it. Well, i’m fucking tired of side tracks. I want to nail it. So, I’m just gonna jump. Plunge right into the unknown, following my heart.

Bollocks. I’m still scared. I think I’ll just have to do it anyway…

Actions: Attending course.

Negative thought: Immigration laws. We weren’t all born in sunny paradise where we belong already, so puurrrlease, get a grip! The world is ours. Bollocks. Again.

Positive thought: I’m alive and I’m gonna make sure I…ride this baby. Whatever fears, thoughts, belief…who cares? I know what I love and as that’s who I am that’s what should be. Pronto.

Oh my God…

It’s one of those days – you just wanna scream OMG! Somewhere in between a headache, running around like a crazy maniac and the weather behaving like it was fall…pouring rain and windy as anything. All I can think of is a beach, raw food and jumping around in waves in the sunshine. It’s one of those days when it’s really good to have this blog, or else I’d be asleep by now. Instead I’ve just applied for my driver’s license.

Actions: Applied for the provisional driver’s license thingy so as to get the real deal!

Negative Thought: Where do I start? LOL Regarding my goals I think I’m the most scared of being unable to open my heart…although I know I can because I do, but then I retract. Also, I guess money worries me. I’m going for my heart though. That’s worth millions

Positive Thought: The beach…and that I do take steps now every day! Yay!

N.B. I just realized I posted this on the wrong blog…erm…so it should have been posted on the blog where I now keep myself accountable for following my heart… www.mylittlepropellerplane.wordpress.com Dizzy…

Maye that’s the kind of car I need if I go to Africa? LOL