I just got an apple and rhubarb crumble out of the oven and am now devouring it with delight. I’m also annoyed as my boobs hurt. You know those two or three days a month when you think they will explode? Never mind they’re tiny, they have explosive power within, I swear.
That would be me – a combination of prim and proper, very shy country girl with straight A:s, apple crumbles and a love of down to earth things, the spirit of nature and herbology, country walks and old-fashioned morals. Then there’s the woman who is a complete adventurer – travels the world like a crazy maniac, dates playboys with dirty minds (when lured out of self-imposed celibacy during her search for Mr Right), doesn’t mince her words and thinks it’s totally OK to talk about her aching boobs, because let’s face it: if you are a woman, whether you state it out loud or not, part of the journey includes aching boobs.
I sometimes think this blog should truly be called Confusions Of A Dizzy Blonde. It’s not just a mixture of boob talking and apple crumbles that makes me feel confused – I was never quite sure whether I should become a filmmaker, doctor (working with kids in Africa), or entrepreneur either. Nor am I quite certain where to live. To me having a home in Africa, working in the UK and LA and vacating in France seems about right. The only problem with all the above is that I’m working as a Sales Manager for an art gallery in the UK and I’ve never been to southern Africa. I’m scoring zero in life of dreams chart.
If you are an addict, or a frequent user (I prefer if you are an addict, and my dating history proves it), or rather: reader of this blog, you may know that I did a weekend workshop about intuition a little while ago. Since then I’ve been having a rollercoaster ride sorting out this confusion – I think someone pressed GO! and off I went.
It started at the course. We had to intuitively tune into something. So I decided to tune into my career because for a year I’ve been sitting on my ass kindly refusing to move. I’ve had a few epiphanies, like changing the product for my company, getting my business partner to approve it and kindly fund it..but then I stopped. Because I knew I was uncertain. I wasn’t sure I was prepared to do it right here, right now.
I also have this fear called Britain. I love visiting London. I love visiting…but for living I still dream of palm trees, beaches and a garden with luscious tropical plants in it…and during the workshop when asked how to spend my ideal day (in tropical paradise) I realized there wasn’t enough hours of the day to make movies, run companies, save the children in Africa, be an author, take a gazillion dance classes AND raise a family. Raise a family I don’t want to raise in Britain with a salary I don’t have and a man I’m yet to meet. Did I mention scoring zero in the “I’m living my dreams” chart?
During the tune ins at the course it was a lot about lights, writing, spreading a message and cameras. It was also about me stepping into my own light, daring to take up space in my personal life, which also greatly applies to my love life. (I’m sorry to bother you with my existence darling, but would you please love me anyway? Erm…)
After the course I sensed something was about to happen. I felt like a school kid preparing for her first date, nerves tickling my whole body. I lost weight. I now have the figure I used to have age 14. I’m sure for some that’s very flattering, for me that’s very flattening. To topple it all off I produced and partly directed a Variety Show in two weeks and realizing how much I can accomplish in such a short space of time (even with semi-disasterous results) I got even more determined to choose my path and get going.
Last weekend I’d had enough and stormed into my best friend’s place demanding to sort my life out before turning into Twiggy and exploding from emotional tension. I’d had enough of poor romances, messed up self-confidence and running around in circles with my career. So, I babbled till I’d managed to empty my confused mind (by which time my best friend was ready to buy earplugs), we did some more intuitive work and finally I felt some kind of peace, turned off Facebook statuses for a week (I had no need to share my confusion and did not want to get confused by others) and retorted to a me-cation of sorts. Only I was still rather baffled because after the intuitive thing we were back to writing, film cameras…and Africa.
What I got from all this (apart from finally feeling at peace again) is that I have to embrace who I am and create a lifestyle that suits me. I always loved traveling, the sound of adventure and moving from one project to the next. I don’t know what I will go onto create, but it has to be something I love. I want to share my journey, from the heart, being the storyteller and traveler that I am. And I would love to wear a bikini for most of the year and live close to both the city and nature, with an ability to go back and forth to Europe.
So what am I doing next? I’m not sure, but I guess I’m returning home somehow. Home to the ocean, the sunshine and the freedom to create.