Mamma Mia! That’s how I feel…like the way you are meant to say mamma Mia in Swedish, not like the song…or in English: OMFG (oh my fucking god!)! I feel like I have so much to share I’m not sure where to start, I’ll just start anyway…
So apart from realizing that “Yay! LOL” turns into “Gay Loo” on my BB, I have had a few other epiphanies worth mentioning. The OMFG category of epiphanies…
This weekend I did the same intuitive course I did a few weeks back. I mean after turning my whole life upside down I figured I had to come back to make sense of it all…
1) Security is not love. Basic, I know, but I realized that today as I was wavering about some decisions.
2) To get what you want you have to focus on what you want. Potentially even more basic, but I came to the conclusion I was so stuck in believing certain things about myself and situations I would never move into the person I truly want to be and the life I truly want to live. Simply because I keep seeing obstacles as I imagine myself in a situation I dream of, or just simply imagine myself with obstacles (imperfections). Like there’s the dream, but when I think about the dream it’s no longer the dream, because I start contemplating things that aren’t very dream like. I see both sides of the coin at the same time (for example I would love to live a very free life where I make movies in Africa, London and LA, with frequent vacations in France, but just after thinking that I start thinking about how difficult it can be to break into the film industry) and I usually focus on the one that reflects my past (like I want a loving husband, but at the same time I have been thinking that no man will ever like me so much he stops sleeping around because well…that’s never happened), or what I have already come to believe about myself, rather than the future I want to create.
3) I can easily have 500 contradictory thoughts about the same subject in a day. That’s why listening to your heart and/or intuition is so important, because it will cut the bullshit and leave you with the real deal. (Don Miguel Ruiz talks about “mitote” or all the opinions that were handed down to us from teachers, politicians, the media, family, friends and so on…all these ideas were impressed upon us and so we came to listen to them instead of ourselves. In an “ideal” world both communism and capitalism would be perfect systems right…)
4) Beyond fear lies freedom. I know, we’re getting more and more trite as we go along…but even though once again this sounds so basic it sounds ridiculous, have you actually imagined doing what you love without any fear? I’m usually like “I’d love to spend time with my soul mate in a life long relationship.” Right. Thought of standing next to a man I love, looking him in the eye and having an open heart, acting freely as I am…well that’s what I would love…but thinking about it…well I don’t think of myself acting with an open heart, completely free. Like that’s what I’d want, but what I imagined is a very stiff me (and as I’m not a man, that’s not a pro). Why? Because I’ve never experienced being so supported by love that I’d feel secure opening up, because I’ve been hurt so many times before. So I retract into myself, but that means I recreate a situation where I get hurt, because people fall in love with hearts, not ice walls, or Bambi on ice (I’m somewhere in between petrified and so aloof you can’t see my heart from all the force I’m using to keep myself together…that I don’t need, because when I don’t put in the force and let go, everything is all right….bollocks, going through my romantic history contemplating this I think I’d win a prize for…ice).
5) I may be my heart and soul, but what I act out, unless I completely give up my mind, is my imagination. What I imagine I am, I show up as every day. I think I’m gonna start imagine I’m my heart and soul.
6) I need to start living as I want now. If I can do it now, I can do it later. If I’m not doing it now…well it won’t change just because circumstance change. It’s me that needs to change. So I choose to start living now. If that makes any sense at all…
7) Before you buy into something, or someone, take a moment to ask yourself if it is your heart that wants it. The person who screams the loudest (or does the most sexy manuevers) gets the most attention, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they have the most to give to YOU, or that the sound of their voice reflects their heart. They may have force, but what is that force? (I never used to question force, it’d just floor me. It was the only thing that broke through my ice wall, but sadly it is usually ice walls that break other ice walls, because open hearts seek other open hearts.) Free people who speak their heart tend to be quite noticeable too…but in a different, much more powerful and loving way. Whom you choose to be with depends on whether you are listening with your mind, body, or heart. I still just hope that the guy with the right heart will be playful, outgoing and with the right force to nail me…potentially my heart is still blind…erm. (Who said that thinking about cocks doesn’t change your life? Especially the big loud ones.)
I guess I realized I can have cock…or heart I mean…or you know…a combination of the two…like I’m changing…like hello!
I’m now so tired I have no clue of what I’ve written. If it doesn’t make sense have a word with John Blund as he seriously put some of that sleepy dust in my eyes…nighty night…
Totally…
Hi Dizzy,
I think to really love someone requires an open heart. Being that open necessitates vulnerability – the scary part as many of us have been hurt before. So, being vulnerable enough to truly love someone is precipitated by a leap of faith. A courageous leap of faith. Thus, to love is an act of courage.
I also think it’s funny how we let our past replay in our minds when we should really be living in the moment and enjoying ourselves with others. I used to let past relationships detract me from moving on too. But, I finally realized those people were gone and I wasn’t the same person anymore, so the past is just the past and not my present reality.
I also realized their is no “failure”. Just responses from those events. And those responses say nothing about me as a person. They just taught me to try things differently for a more desirable outcome.
Nighty night Dizzy