Right, so this week is like…like what I imagine having sex in ten different places and twenty different positions would be like…you know what I mean? Not that I know what I mean, because I’m still doing the sweet virgin thing (re-instated virgin…right…)…but you know what I mean? Upheaval, change, storm wind…and in the midst of it all: peace, love and a funny sense of finally, finally coming home. Finally being who you are and therefore finally feeling at home. I mean I still do some crazy shit and run shit scared away from other shit, because some thoughts are still going bananas in my head…but you know what I mean? (I think I’ve already said you know what I mean like three times…so you probably do know what I mean…right?!)
I think I feel freer than I’ve felt in a long time. Even with the rain pouring down and gray skies I don’t feel…trapped anymore. I know I have a choice. I won’t be tied down to a business keeping me here for the next five years. Oh yes, that’s one of the things: they finally found my replacement at work, so in about six weeks from now I will no longer be Miss Art Gallery Sales Manager, but rather freelance writer and director. Yes, that’s right – I said no to my own company too. I said no, so that I could go and do what I love: tell stories, travel the world and help people. That’s what I would love, so that’s what I will allow my heart to take me on a path to. Am I shit scared? Hell yes. It feels good though. Film. Finally. I’m a director goddamnit!!! I no longer need to stare at Arri trucks when they go by with eyes the size of UFOs and an aching, breaking heart. I can just show up to set and…see Arri lights where they are supposed to be – next to the cameras and my director’s chair.
So yes, that’s a massive change. It’s like I don’t know where anything’s going, but I’m going with my heart, so I feel fine, if freaked out. I have decided to do this course as well – a follow on course to the free weekend seminar on intuition that I did. To do that I am likely to have to couch surf for two months to save up money, so that’s another thing. More upheaval. I want to do the course because I want to live the life I love and I know I will need to change certain things to do so. I need to open my heart basically and I would love some help and support with that.
To some people opening your heart probably sounds like poppycock, or bullshit, or what have you, but to me it’s almost tangible. I know how I’ve lived my life. I know the mistakes I’ve made. Nine out of ten, if not ten out of ten, have sprung from having a closed heart. I’ve been saying this since last year, but if you open your heart and love, whatever is will come to be…because I think if your heart is open you will go on the path that will, in a sense, lead you to your own heart. You will find the outer representation of your heart, as well as being a living expression of your heart, meaning you will create things/situations that represent your heart. As I mentioned in my previous blog it’s very easy to get stuck with the five hundred opposing thoughts and ideas we have in our mind, which are merely echoes of what life has impressed upon us thus far. And if we get stuck there, that’s what we create. We create the opinions of our mothers, fathers (in my case family members really come in plural – I’ve lost track of how many people raised me), polticians, childhood friends…you name it. When our heart is open though, that’s what we are drawn to – our own innermost, most sacred core, which is also the place for love. Not just love for what we love to do, but love for self, others, the planet and life at large. It’s the greatest respect we can give to ourselves and everything else. Love.
With an open heart I also believe you sense things. Like you know which path to go if the heart is leading. If you are open you will feel things. You will, as they say, start using your sixth sense.
I know I’ve said this so many times before, yet, my heart hasn’t always been open. It closed pretty shut when I left LA. I felt a similar peace to what I feel now when I lived in LA. I was in harmony over there. As soon as I moved back to London there was discord. I believe it’s been a very good experience. London is always a very good experience – it knocks me till I fall over, but that’s what heals me. Like I believe I’m much more confident now then when I left LA, but to get there meant to face my nightmares. To be taken far beyond my comfort zones. It felt like (and still sometimes does) being at a party with all your enemies. It’s not very comfortable, but once you’ve faced each enemy, no matter how small you feel at the instance you do so, you grow. You grow because you stop fearing them. You start acting regardless of them. You start living no matter what. And that’s when freedom starts.
I don’t know…so many things going on: I’m directing a full length one woman show, I’ve finished the first proper draft of my book proposal for this blog which I’m now getting feedback from, then gonna edit, I’m learning to properly use my camera, I’m figuring out what to do when work finsihes…there are just really soooo many things going on. So many I’m actually looking forward to have Saturday night off to…clean my room LOL!
I guess also I have a bit of an easier time letting go of some thoughts. Especially to do with people and men. I’ve spent a life time being scared of rejection, thinking people are prone not to like me and even though I’ve known for a long time it isn’t true, I mean Jesus I don’t know what to do with all the men running after me, but still…I somehow believed in it. I ended up in many situations where I felt isolated. That’s what I felt inside, so that’s what I created. The thought that I can actually have a family as well…with a man who loves me…that’s so amazing I’m about to faint. I shared this weekend that as soon as I see a man I love, I run and hide because I get so petrified (really thinking he won’t like me I suppose) and if I can get through that…if I can actually start to truly love myself more and open my heart to men I love. If I can freely express my love in fun and imaginative (dirty) ways…I can create beautiful relationships. Or one beautiful romantic relationship. That would be beyond amazing.
It’s funny what we think possible and impossible in our minds due to our pasts and it’s even funnier when you start going beyond that into thinking everything’s possible. Like having great sex again. OMG…on that note…later.