Ever heard someone you date say to you: “You have a nice ass, I should feel thankful for that”? I haven’t, but if I did I believe I might just dump them then and there. Why? Because if they “should” feel grateful they aren’t already feeling grateful, meaning they aren’t truly happy about, well, my ass. Gratitude comes naturally if you love something.
Now, I’m not saying that a condition for dating me is that you feel happy about my ass. I have dated many men whose asses weren’t great. The thing is: if I was in love with them, I was still thankful for their ass because it was their ass.
In London I used to wake up every morning in a state of panic as usually I had just awoken from a dream about my home in the Hollywood Hills and the sense of panic stemmed from the fact that I was not there. The life I woke up to looked very different from what used to awaken me with a smile. In Hollywood I jumped out of bed to make myself a smoothie or almond milk latte, watching the sunrise over the city. I felt bliss. I felt happiness. I felt excitement about life. I was so happy it was radiating from me, because my surroundings fueled me. I didn’t have my business, most of my friends, or a structured life there though, so I thought I should go back to London to obtain that.
In London I woke up to a gorgeous Victorian mansion in a bustling city and to a great job. I woke up in a house I didn’t love, in a city that filled me with dread and to a job that drained me as it used none of my greatness and all of my weaknesses. I used to think I should be thankful for my pretty house in the great city and my amazing job. I should. And sometimes I could pump up my adrenaline, make myself excited about selling another Hirst, or looking at the architecture of my house, or having a great coffee. I could get happy about a detail of beauty in a sea of gray.
I tried being thankful for my toothbrush, my food, my easy journey to work, my job, my house…I was scrutinizing London for beauty, I was trying to find inner peace…and all I felt was gray despair amongst a few sunbeams.
I cleaned up my room this weekend and added a few details. I finally got it just the way I wanted it, apart from a few paintings I still have to make. I put candles everywhere and last night I decided to light them all, snuggle up in bed and smell the fresh herbs I picked in my garden, whilst drinking the fresh mint tea, also courtesy of our garden. I felt at peace because I knew I was in paradise and my room was a representation of my heart. I had created my own love, my own heart.
This morning I woke up to gorgeous African sunshine, blue skies and sunbeams playing with the wooden beams in my room. I was surrounded by nature in my natural home in the hills of Cape Town. I heard one of our gorgeous dogs knock on my door, frustrated that I wasn’t yet up to let him in. I was looking forward to seeing my foster kiddos, having breakfast, and talking to my best friend. I felt happy. I did not have to give thanks for my toothbrush – I naturally praised God for the miracle creation called my life. I was radiant.
I knew inside when I woke up today as well the areas of my life I’m not happy with. There are work assignments I do that I don’t enjoy. How my day looks like a color palette where some dots stand out as distasteful. I can argue that this work pays me and that it is better than any work I have ever had and I honestly feel thankful for that, but I still know the difference between that feeling and the feeling of looking out over the Hollywood Hills, surrendering to the feeling of living my dreams and feeling as if life is rising inside of me with the sun, playing in my heart, and making me long for the new day to dawn.
Likewise, I made a distinction this weekend when it comes to people – some people do great things for you, make you feel amazing as they are great in bed, or they shower you in love. They have a nice ass and treat you like the Queen of the world. Then there are those that may not have a perfect ass, or do all those things you’d dream a person would do for you, but you feel thankful just to be in their presence. Like with anyone you would have to create a great relationship with them to make your connection sustainable, you may have to kick their ass if they are being lazy, but you will never find yourself saying “I should feel thankful because they bought me flowers.” “I should be thankful because they are a nice person.” The reason you aren’t thankful is because you wish someone else would have bought you those flowers.
What I’m tying to say is that you will probably never be happy having bad relationships with anyone, but you won’t be happy having great relationships with people who won’t stir your soul either. You can enjoy them as a lover, as a friend, as a partner in crime for something, but if you are looking for a soul mate, their flowers will just never seem enough.
Life is an interesting journey and it will continue to throw us screwballs – nothing is ever a status quo of perfection, that’s the adventure, the path of life. If you are on the right path, the path excites you. You go out there every day to fight the dragons in search of your gold, your own heart as manifested in life. If the path doesn’t excite you, you change your path, or you give up and say your thanks to your toothbrush, to the people, situations and events you “should feel thankful for, because at least you are better off than the kids in Africa.” Or “at least you are squeezing a super model’s ass,” even if you feel no connection to their soul. It can be a nice ass squeezing experience, but if you want more, you have to search for more.