The ultimate sex fantasy…

What is the ultimate sex fantasy? Is it a certain thing? Or is it just to completely relax, surrender and let your heart take you exactly where you want to go without any holding back? Is it ultimate freedom?

I took two of the kids I mentor on an outing yesterday – I took the two boys to the library, an organic shop that has a Thursday market and Llandadno beach. One of them did not want to listen to “do not push any buttons and sit properly in the car.” The rule is if you don’t listen, get a warning and still don’t listen, you don’t come with on the next outing. That’s why the little girl wasn’t with this time. After all of them behaving really nicely last week, she played with her seat belt on the way back. I’m trying to explain to them I don’t make weird rules just because, but the rules we have is for their own safety. I don’t like adults exercising power over kids just because, or without explanation. You hear that a lot when out and about “don’t touch this, don’t do that, don’t ask questions” and they don’t necessarily point out why (they might in all fairness have pointed that out beforehand) nor do they always have a reason why themselves. Point being, taking care of these kids I often question myself – am I a good mothers figure? Are the rules I’m setting up OK? Are my reactions when I’m out with them OK? Am I still just “taming” them rather than making them think for themselves? Just because I can’t pay to feed them a proper GAPS and raw food diet, is that bad of me? Surely a whole foods diet is better than crisps, but am I not putting in enough effort with it? Am I perfect enough?

You see I always imagined that when I have kids around that I look after I’m living this perfect life in a nice Eco house, with a large garden and herbal garden, I have a lovely husband, I have a very scheduled day and I have proper traditions in place for everything, from hot chocolate Sundays, to Christmas and I will know all those educational games and crafts things we will do together. Well guess what? I’m neither rich, nor married, but I do live in a natural home with a garden and I have planted five herbs in it (so there, I do have an herbal garden LOL). I don’t have it all together, but I’m trying to put another piece of the puzzle together every day. No, there’s not fresh Kombucha on the table yet, but I have the ingredients and the jar ready to go (and Kombucha clearly is essential for a household…well, you know at least my dream household because yummy mummies have all those things they want to have all ready to go, always, no?! LOL). No, I don’t know all the amazing recipes I wanna know, all the educational games and the crafts project. I most certainly am not married. Single appears to be the notorious case of my relationship status and funnily enough I care less about it now. I guess I feel rather fulfilled, because as a matter of fact every day it seems I do more. I do learn new recipes. I do learn about education. I do work as a writer with decent assignments, if yet there are mountains to climb. I do work with underprivileged kids and I do have some that I mentor and who could become my family, should I choose to walk that path and raise the money to do so. And somehow this has all calmed me down and made me feel fulfilled. On the other hand, I don’t yet have a proper social life in Cape Town, so it’s sort of made me wake up to that as well, because I need friends and support.

There are other things as well I have been contemplating – my ADD habits and how bad I am at certain things. I’m blessed in some areas, a mess in others. Thinking of mentoring the kids kind of makes you think about what kind of role model you are. Like when I sleep in now I’m like shit – had, I had kids I could not have done that. Does that mean I’m not ready for this? Does that make me “bad?” I’m terrible with paperwork and time keeping, so clearly I’m not a responsible adult. I can fill out a form three times and still miss things and I mess things up in my mind all the time, so I’m bad right? I was always told I was bad because of this, so clearly I’m not responsible enough. Never mind that I try doing something about my bad habits, the one day I miss doing a work out, or fail and don’t live in “perfection” I get angry with myself. And of course I’m not perfect, so I fail all the time with sticking to things and oh my God. I don’t have a pattern of wanting to punish myself at all or anything. OH MY GOD I have a pattern of wanting to punish myself, oh now I’m really seriously bad…oh my God. When I was younger I literally wanted to run into a wall when I fucked up, I really hated myself for it and wanted pain, not that I ever did that, but seriously I had those thoughts and now I’m dealing with kids, seriously, I’m really bad. See what I mean? That’s my brain for you. And since deciding to deal with the kids I seriously had to face this oh my God I’m feeling inadequate pattern.

I was reading the Mommypotamus blog the other day and looking at eco houses and that’s when I really came to see this pattern. I had a freak show about not having everything “all together,” or rather discovering what a freak show I have been having and starting to unraveling it and letting go of it. And it’s truly bizarre because I probably have it more together than most. Apart from my ADD patterns and wanting to punish myself and judging myself, I believe I’m quite good. Actually. It’s just my perfectionist and not good enough belief that’s screwing with my head. Truly that’s the reason why I’m single as well. When I meet someone I like I’m so petrified I’m not good enough and perfect enough that I start disliking myself and the idea of going into a relationship or fall in love only to once more prove to myself I’m not good enough, not perfect enough hasn’t been appealing. I lose track of myself when I start caring about people’s opinions. So having come to the point where I’m fairly OK with myself when I’m with myself and friends, I kind of guess I wanted to keep the status quo, especially as whenever I ventured into trying I failed. I did only manage to prove I wasn’t good enough once more.

I guess I’ve always had habits I’ve used as an excuse to feel bad about myself. Fact is, there are some things I’m no good at, like filling in paperwork – last year when working as a sales manager I was always in trouble – I always missed something. Especially when I had read through it three times and was really proud thinking I’d done a good job. People would get angry that I didn’t concentrate, but thought I had my full attention on the task – and proof read it three times. Not to mention my own panic. I felt like I couldn’t trust myself, because for example – I would put everything together on my desk, preparing to leave and structuring my things so as to remember everything. Then I would happily leave without the envelop I had placed on top of my desk so as NOT to forget to post it. Now certain of these things I learnt to manage, because they were habits. If you always put the keys in the same place you will remember them, but all of life is not a habit. In an office there’s new things all the time and you can’t habitualize them.

I worked in an office for over a year and that made me humble, because I had to face my shortcomings every day and after a while I had to somehow try to kick myself out of feeling bad about them, because some things I couldn’t change and I became better at a lot of the things I could change. It was still trying, because I couldn’t trust myself not to miss details. Then suddenly I was working as a freelance writer and people loved my writing. That’s not to say I haven’t missed deadlines and mixed things up. Still happens. Still makes me feel bad.  When I was forced, due to an article I was writing, reading up about ADD I had to humbly admit to the fact that I have pretty much every symptom of it and I don’t even believe in ADD, because most people they say can’t concentrate can concentrate. Maybe just not in the same ways.  I came to realize some of us have brains that work differently and some of that can’t and shouldn’t be changed, because our brain works that way because it’s great with something else. As humiliated as I felt reading about all those symptoms and ticking off the list, I also felt relieved, because the anger I have had to encounter with the years and all those “you’re just not responsible enough” kind of felt less hurtful.

I’m learning to structure my days. I’m learning to respect and love myself. I’m learning to value my talents. I’m learning that I can’t and don’t have to be great at everything. I do have to learn to discipline myself in certain areas, but at the same time I have to appreciate what my somewhat chaotic mind manages to come up with. I will also have to learn to respect and appreciate others and not, if I’m having PMS, have a complete tantrum if they say they are against Monsanto and manage to eat GMO corn at the same time, or try to convince me they care about the planet whilst smoking cigarettes and feeding their kids non-organic meat with weird preservatives, because my perfectionist hysteria tends to have two pet peeves – health and nature and if I’m in a bad mood I believe people are personally insulting me by poisoning themselves and the planet.

I realized there won’t be a one year vacation when I build my eco-home, learn to cook all the perfect foods (raw foods and whole foods), finally finish writing my book and come up with ideas and educational games that will entertain the kids till they’re eighteen, so that after that year everything would be ready and good to go. Or maybe I could do that if I left my volunteer work and my gorgeous home, said goodbye to entertainment and locked myself up in a tiny room somewhere – then I could work non-stop for a year and take a year sabbatical afterwards. That’s not gonna happen. Even if I did I would continue to learn and grow, so perfection would never be achievable anyway. Only idiots believe they’ve learnt all there is to know and they can’t go further. Perfection is an illusion. We are evolving every day if we are only humble enough to acknowledge the mistakes of the past and learn from the lessons. Admit that we aren’t perfect. And maybe more so than anything you have to teach kids to learn. To grow. To evolve.

So yes folks, I have perfectionist issues, I’m rather messy with certain things and it’s no good speaking to me about Monsanto if I have PMS – I may not have a loud tantrum as such, but my world will fall to pieces and if you smoke you will have me in tears as my mom died from cancer and how could anyone wish that upon themselves, or force their loved ones to watch them die? I have a few scars in that department. Not that I would necessarily show you that, but that’s how I’d feel. But having said all that I have some amazing talents, I left to set up my dream life in Cape Town, I have a career that I enjoy, I live in a dream home, I work with kids which was always my dream, I’m fairly healthy and I really do my best to understand kids and how to raise them. I do my best to live from my heart. So maybe I’m like OK you know. Maybe I even deserve having a boyfriend and kids. Maybe getting my work in magazines and on silver screens too. Could give it a go I suppose once I’ve managed to structure my days to fit it all in. Mmmm. Maybe there’s hope for me after all?! Maybe I don’t have to be great at everything to allow myself to enjoy my life? Maybe I can just sit back and love…and step up and follow my heart. Without judging. Just follow my heart. Absolutely free. Maybe…

I see the irony in this, because I have to learn routine and scheduling, but at the same time the judgments, the holding back instead of letting it flow…that’s the adventure. Being stuck inside your ever so criminal mind, that’s prison. Heart is freedom. Following your heart, trusting you can do it. Setting yourself free to do that. Then the routines and schedules ou truly need will fall into place and the ones you have to feel secure, or the routine of breaking them to feel bad, will disappear. Freedom is your heart.

My love, the shadow that touches the flame…

Sometimes I hear you speak to me. Words echoing somewhere, just out of reach. Glimpses of light, fractured memories spin by like a carousel. I get that awkward feeling in the pit of my stomach, as if love sick. That longing, that sense of elevation…like flying and at the same time a melancholic sadness, like the unfulfilled lover. Waiting. Hoping. Praying that one day our roads will meet again.

I remember you as someone who used to fill me with fire. All my artistic dreams came to light. I would wander the streets, pen and poetry book in hand. Page after page would be filled with caffeine covered notes of beauty, mingled with my own inner pain. Everything was a little bit shattered. It was that pain I could never shake, the pain that made me fear my own pursuit. I had the fire. I had the desire. I just lacked the clarity, the knowledge, but I tried. I really went for it. That’s when I realized that beneath the fire was that pain, that insecurity and everything I did was tainted by it. The fire kind of got subdued. I censored myself. Artistic expression became about perfection, about following rules and guidelines. Sure enough some of those guidelines gave me so much – I created things I came to love, things I was truly proud of. I gained the knowledge. Yet I had let go of that sense of complete abandon. Of fully giving of myself. Like when I used to wander those streets.

Sometimes a street light, or the sight of a perfectly yellow lemon will take me right back. I’m once more where I belong, walking those streets, poetry book in hand. Everything I see is filled with beauty – I search for beauty in everything; in smells, tastes, sounds…and life is blissful. I’m immersed in the art of life and my creative juices are overflowing. Everything I see adds another piece to the puzzle. Everything I hear brings me one step closer to completing a script, a poem, an artwork… Around me answers are swirling in the air like leaves in autumn. Everything is there to help me create my art, like a giant jigsaw puzzle I’m gathering one piece after another. One step closer to fulfilling the dream of completing another project.

I’m allowing myself to create again. Stains of red wine next to my laptop. Delirious words flying by. This blog is no longer just about sexy confessions, sexy life lessons with a twinkle in their eye…ever so often I take a break from those and I play. Words enchant me and I let them. The garlic bread and the wine…I’m suddenly eleven years younger and I’m walking the streets of Paris with a dream in my hand.

I still dream. The dancers at the Moulin Rouge are still as colorful as they were when I left Sweden all those years ago. When I dreamt of a bohemian revolution, of beauty, truth, freedom and love…when I took my backpack and left and ended up in Paris. The sunrise by the Seine, the artist studios in Montmartre…every part of the city touched me with her beauty, every part made me ache and wonder.

I can feel you again, your streets so filled with beauty. The streetlights that would fill the night with magic. How you inspired me! How every step I took felt like I was lost in an artwork, or in my own dream. And then as I kept pursuing my dreams everyone congratulated me on one school after another, one city after another. London, Los Angeles, Cape Town…but somewhere along I died. I started believing I’d never come to accomplish anything. That I would be stuck doing something other than what I trained in. The irony in following your dream to become an artist.

A light flickers in the night. A wind caresses my ear. I can hear you speak to me. Soft words. A soft welcome back. Back to the core. To who I always was. Without the pain. Without the destruction.

I remember sitting in our first flat…I was writing on my laptop. The laptop suddenly died, although the battery was full. The lights were flickering. My flatmate was talking about writing erotica as a means of survival as a writer and I laughed. I was so filled with youthful enthusiasm. I told her our flat would be put on the map. A tourist destination. We would become famous. I believed in my dreams, but fame was a false dream, my heart was the true dream. I loved the artistic life. The feeling of living the dream, but as youthful fools do they pursue before they are ready, they start feeling ashamed for having listened to the ego as much as the heart and then they lose the fire as challenges extinguish the flames…just like my laptop died. Just as the lights flickered. A ghost? A story foretold?

I’m sitting by my laptop writing at night. The can can girls still dance. The creperies are all still there. Paris’ streets look the same. With my eyes I seek out the angles for the camera. My heart dreams the same dreams. Nothing’s changed, but everything is different. And from the wilderness in Africa you can hear a different roar…

The silent orgasm…

How do you find the words when words evade you? We bury our treasures because they are so precious to us we fear others may steal them. If they are buried in the ground we can’t enjoy them ourselves either though. We have to learn to trust others with our treasures so that we can get to enjoy them openly and share the joy with others.

I’m scared right now. I’m scared because so many things are happening that I truly care about and I fear that if I speak about them maybe something happens and they will all just have been castles in the air and I’ll be left standing there with nothing. I don’t wanna talk, I wanna walk the talk. Yet not speaking about it isn’t what’s the thing to do – what to do is speaking about what’s happening without being attached to the outcome in a negative way. We all want our dream outcome, but we also have to know that life has its ways and the best we can do is to keep going for what we love, whilst also turning every present moment into a miracle.

First of all there are business and charity ventures that are starting to come together, whilst also working doing writing assignments for companies I enjoy writing for (that’s my day job). The first I’m scared of because you never know, the second because I feel like there’s always a deadline I’m running to catch up with and with life happening daily you never know what might throw you. With all this there’s time constraint and right now I’m working like crazy to try to downsize everything and make sure it all fits together. Believe it or not that’s a BIG job LOL.

Secondly, secondly there are the kids. As faithful readers know I work in a crèche in Hangberg, a township in Cape Town (that’s my passion project The Wandering Tales). It’s a crèche for kids whose parents can’t really afford to send them to a crèche, parents who are often abusive and/or substance misusers; some are in jail, some have died, others have HIV and so do some of the kids. Some of the kids suffer from malnutrition and drug and alcohol damages too.

I was making the kids “trolldeg” – you mix flour, water, salt and oil to make playdough…and I got a bit carried away and delivered it in different shapes…

The crèche is nothing fancy – it’s three small sheds (of which one is a storage room) for 63 kids, no proper toilets, no kitchen, no electricity, only one tap, no sinks, not enough bowls and spoons for the kids so they have to take turns, not enough money for lunch but at least breakfast, not enough classrooms…you get the picture. And at first you wanna cry because it’s so little – you want to give the kids more love, more education, more food…more everything good. Spending two weeks there your perspective changes and you wanna cry because it’s so much love and care and attention to kids that come from nothing given by teachers who get almost no payment yet show up every day.

So right now, apart from spending time with the kids and teaching drama, I’m helping put together a website, create a fundraising campaign for Little Angels and CARES, etc., which all ties into my own ventures and fuels my heart with love and passion. What’s more though, there are four kids that really spoke to my heart and one day I blurted this out to the principal and said I’d adopt them if I only could, the principal spoke to their parents (or relatives that step in to try and help them when parents don’t really do it) and it looks like I might end up being some kind of support for those four. Two twins – a boy and a girl, T & T, and two boys D & W.

Now this has thrown my world upside down. Apart from feeling like I’m finally living the life of my dreams doing what I love I suddenly have four little kids that might come to count on me. I don’t know how yet. I know that so long as we don’t have money for lunch at the crèche I have to bring lunch as theirs is sometimes lacking, I have to buy vitamins and twice a week or so I have to show up and take the kids somewhere to play. That’s all I have agreed to, all I can agree to and my heart is bursting with joy – I’m given a chance to give these kids something.

The principal is gonna meet with the parents again next week and talk about how they see this working and sort out things like “in the event of an accident.” I can’t guarantee someone won’t drive into my car. There are some legal aspects to this, even if it’s Hangberg and no one gives a damn. Then I’m gonna meet the parents. Then we will see. And that’s the practical bit, but then there’s the emotional bit.

The kids playing with the dough I gave them…

Maybe I will be a nanny of sorts, or an extra auntie, or a mentor…or a foster parent. Maybe I will spend more and more time with them, or maybe the parents will one day say no altogether. And there are other emotional aspects. I know one of them has HIV, two are beaten at home and all four are border line starving.

The principal is convinced I’m pretty much saving the life of these four and just “wait and see how they are going to blossom,” but truth is with the influence from home and friends anything could happen to those kids and after a while there might be the issue of them not wanting to go home, because home is not a nice place to be always and not to mention my feelings of sending them home. Then of course there’s the HIV positive one – I told the principal who is also feeding 120 kids in her spare time and being the whole community’s “go to” person for HIV care, plus of course running a crèche for 63 kids with no money – that she has to have a talk with his mom and ensure she makes sure he gets his meds, or I will. They cured the first kid in the States with HIV recently, the meds are getting better and life does not have to be compromised, but it’s still a stigma, it’s still dangerous if not looked after.

The principal a.k.a. the whole community’s pillar

I’ve also told the principal she has to be the go-between between the parents and I, and make sure no one shows up on my doorstep asking for money for drugs. That’s one money issue, but what happens in a few years time when I will want the kids to attend good schools? What happens if the parents decide to leave the kids on my doorstep? What happens if I don’t get a permanent visa? I’m gonna have to fly back and forth to Cape Town if I end up becoming close to the kids. I don’t know anything yet and that frightens me. I don’t even know if it all will work out and I will get to spend time with them yet and my heart is so attached to this outcome I wake up at 6am in the morning with a big grin on my face because somehow, miraculously, even without the money to adopt I have been given a chance to make a difference.

The thing is, I don’t know what I can do, but I will do what I can, if that makes sense? My heart is so full with happiness, joy and love it feels like it’s about to burst. This was always my dream. Living in Africa, helping kids, teaching, making movies, writing stories, dabbling with food and herbs…and it’s all slowly but surely coming together. But by Lord I need a visa and I need to make money from what I love rather than on top of that writing for people.

On Wednesday I was at the crèche briefly and for most of that time I was carrying around little D as he won’t let me out of sight when I’m there. Then I spent some time trying to comfort another little boy who got his thumb squeezed and for that matter whose father is in jail for murder. I also managed to lift up T & T and every other kid who wanted a hug and little Mr T was showing me he could dance like Michael Jackson. It’s perfect – we will just dance all the time! Little W was home sick – he suffers malnutrition and easily catches bugs.

The only pot we have for food, how food is served and how we wash our hands – there are no sinks, so it’s one bucket for all. We dream of a bathroom with a bathtub so we can clean the kids and brush their teeth. Many have rotting teeth. The step after that is getting a washing machine as many don’t have clean clothes, or no clothes so we also want a uniform for the kids, but first we need blankets, electricity and radiators for winter.

Yesterday was the first day I brought in vitamins. Only T & T were there as it was the start of the Easter Holiday. For them it was like Christmas morning – Miss T did not chew them up for fifteen minutes, she was too busy showing me she had them in her mouth and showing anyone else who cared. Mr T was showing me he would grow strong because of them. And as I was sitting waiting for the other teacher to get the last kids out of the loo (those portable loos you rent) and into the classroom to sleep and another teacher had just silenced them and gotten them to lie down, Mr T opened his eyes and asked if I will still be there later, as if frightened that when he wakes up I’m gone. I told him next week and he nodded, looking very wise. Then he broke the rules and ran up to ask for more vitamins.

Little Miss T on the other hand, after another teacher came in and silenced everyone once more, broke the rules to run up to place a big kiss on my cheek and tell me she loved me “so much.” Then chaos ensued as about five other girls tried to follow suite.

The principal told me that last year the kids got a present from some vitamin booster company and the next day someone’s relative came in to say the kids haven’t slept all night. Why? They were so excited they had been given a gift and couldn’t sleep because they were scared someone would take it away from them. So now the principal makes sure to host a party by the end of each month to celebrate everyone whose birthday it has been that month.

Maybe I’m crazy for agreeing to help those kids as much as I can, but it’s been the happiest moments of my life getting to do this. This was my dream growing up. All I wanted was my Dr Quinn – Angelina Jolie life. My Colorado Springs became Hangberg.

I’m scared people will look down on me for what I’m doing because I’m not a millionaire – I’m giving them lunch and a few hours of my time for now. The reason I feel confident doing it still is because life here is different. You have to understand that the crèche has 63 kids not because it wouldn’t run better if there were only 30, but because if they left the other 33 out, they’d be roaming the streets with no one raising them and not even getting their daily porridge and fruit. The little you can do for every child counts. You have to try to educate them. That’s what will make a difference. It’s not about providing label clothes, or trips to Spain. It’s about a bowl of rice, a hug and teaching values that will hopefully inspire them to turn Hangberg into a beautiful town and prevent them from going down the path of drugs, theft, prostitution and HIV.

Together with improving the crèche and setting up more educational centres and structures for youth in Hangberg I hope that we can create a sustainable future for some of the kids out there. You can’t think you are going to save them all, not even the kids you get to look after, but you can put as many structures in place as possible to ensure that the moral support, love and basic means are met to give the kids a chance. Together with CARES, Little Angels, The Wandering Tales and Naughty Magique I hope to instill change. I hope to do something. Just as I hope that a couple of hours a week of my time and some food will give something to my four little ones. It’s a hope. It’s not a given, but if you pray and move your butt sometimes you create miracles. Those four are a miracle in my life. I’m not blind – this is gonna be the ride of a lifetime, but it’s the ride I asked for, dreamed of and pray will be infused with as much love and happiness as possible. Or to explain it differently: many people tell me my work must be hard and depressing. I find it life affirming and joyous. Sure I know the kids have a hard time at home, but I see the joy in their eyes every day. I get run down with hugs and I love yous and I missed you every day. I see opportunity. Chance. Possibility. I see kids that are great, not wounded. It amazes me how these kids function so well. It astounds me. And it gives me hope that together we can make a difference.

This is not poetry; it’s the poetry of my life and it’s precious. Very precious.

If these kids inspire you as much as they do me, feel free to get in touch, even if just to talk. If you want to find out more, or help us spread the word on social media once we start our business and fundraising initiatives, we’d love to hear from you. Or if you want to donate an old camera, laptop, blankets, toys, another pot for food, or an hour a month to come down and teach them whatever you can…you name it. Our page is The Wandering Tales and there you can send us message!

Hands down your pants…

Want some hands in your pants ladies and gents? Well it’s NYE, time to get naughty…

Seriously speaking it is time to get naughty – it’s time for new year’s resolutions – whether the ones you intend to keep, or break. Personally I aim for no fear. That means I will probably break my vow at least ten times a day when I chicken out on things, but it also means that I will watch my thoughts and see when something comes in to stop me from what I would love. Because it’s all about what we would love by the end of the day (I mean really – your resolutions are to do what you love, or create what you love, or be whom you love being) and if you aren’t doing it, chances are you have some fear around it. Fear you might not even realize you have – most of the stuff controlling our behavior isn’t conscious until you stop and really think about what you are thinking about…

I don’t think it’s about curing fear either, I think it’s about hanging with the tension and instead of avoiding something, or forcing yourself to do it pretending to be cool, being vulnerable to your own fear and doing it without forcing. Can’t really explain it, but if you force you usually put something on top. Ever tried “impressing” instead of just sharing of yourself, of your heart and what you are good at? Or even if it’s your first ever dance class and you aren’t good at, just relaxing and having fun? Living your heart in other words. I’m making a movie about this next year…a dance movie. Now that’s a dream come true.

So what would I love? I would love to live my dreams, that’s what I would love. And I would love to share those dreams with those I love. I don’t want to blog about all of them right now…I really just feel like sitting down and sharing them with those I love, but man, family, writing and making movies would probably sum them up. Oh and creating a life in Cape Town…I’m still new in town so it will take a while, but buying a car next week will make things a lot easier.

Feel free to share your resolutions with me…the world…your loved ones, or just your own heart! Happy New Year folks – may it bring you the life your heart truly dreams of and lots of love in every area of your life!!! Go create magic!!! Cheers!!!

If your thoughts wander and your hands don’t follow, are you living your dreams???

Would you like to get naked my dear???

Would you like to get naked? You see, I have developed this new concept of nakedness. All you have to do is strip your clothes off and your life is transformed. Forever. Just ask that guy who saw that girl naked and life was never the same again…suddenly he was having SEX all the time…

I don’t know how many times I’ve read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Many times. There is this idea put forward if you so like, saying that we are scared of going after our dreams because we do not know if they will be all we’ve imagined. So sometimes our dream is right in front of us and we do not touch it. Because we want to keep the dream.

Other times I find the dream is all around us, but we still somehow manage to avoid it, because we do not give of ourselves to it. We don’t pour all our love and hard work into something, because we are scared we will fail. We leave a little bit of room for failure, a little room to say we didn’t do our best anyway, so if it fails, well it wasn’t because we were incapable it was because of time, or money, or whatever else.

There are yet other times when we are living the dream without really living it at all – we really fucking go for it, but our heart is closed, because we are afraid if we open it and we do not get the end result we dream of, then we will break our own heart. We don’t trust. It’s kind of like living in a glass cube where you do everything, but don’t truly feel it. It’s like banging someone without stopping to feel…it’s being aloof to our own senses, scared that if we invest them we may feel pain.

Another version of not trusting is “keeping our options open” – we invest some time and energy, we think we are truly exploring something, but we don’t surrender to the moment, we always keep a little bit of focus somewhere else. And when things don’t work out we think we were really clever for not surrendering… It’s like putting your toes in the water, thinking you swam and then wondering why you didn’t get anywhere, or felt the beauty of the ocean all around you. Yeah, I wonder why?

The ego is a tricky bitch. It will lure us away from what we love in so many different ways and we won’t even notice it unless we open our heart so that we can truly feel what resonates with us. I always compare it to having sex versus making love. How often do we slow down and feel, totally feel another person’s energy and truly explore their taste, smell and touch? I mean there are a great deal of sensations going on during sex, totally overwhelming, just like life unless you slow down and allow yourself to open your heart to it. Feel it. Explore it. Taste it. Lovingly play with it.

To fully explore you have to be fully open and surrender. To do so you have to fully trust. Trust yourself. Trust your own heart.

I find it a challenge to live my heart fully every day without hold backs. To give without analyzing. To surrender to every moment. To be fully present with those I love. To be fully present with strangers, whether I like them, or not. I have chased my dreams all over the world without ever surrendering and actually living the dream. I still have nightmares about trying to find my home in the Hollywood Hills. It’s the only place I have felt at home you see, but as I started having those dreams and wondering whether it is right to be here and blah, blah…I stopped living. Instead of focusing on my life I started thinking about what everyone else is doing and what the right choice is…my heart chose Cape Town. I want to surrender to the city to truly explore it. My heart sings for this place and my work here, yet it’s so easy to get sidetracked by obstacles…as soon as you have a fight with your boyfriend there’s an obstacle. Potential pain. And if you always run to a new guy…when will you ever discover love?

I’m scared. I’m scared of not meeting enough people and making enough friends. I’m scared of spending Christmas and New Year’s by myself. I’m scared of my economical situation, although that’s looking up. I’m scared of running into danger. I’m scared of failing with what I love most – the projects in Cape Town working in the townships and with film. I’m scared of never finding/recognizing/finding but not being loved by my soulmate (due to ego blockages). I’m fucking petrified already. But I like this town. I have a funny feeling I will come to love it.

I don’t have a return ticket. I think somewhere, that’s where my mind needs to be also. To relax into the city. To feel it. To explore it. To make love to it. To surrender and open my heart to it. That’s my dream. To live life like that. Naked. To live that presently with an open heart, receiving and giving love freely. And it would be nice to be with a man who did the same.

That’s my proposal for a naked lifestyle. I think I will need to sell the concept: better results in life than with Tony Robbins…quick, only $0.99 for one blog that will change your life! The bottom line? Get undressed!!!

Definitively time to get naked…whoop, whoop!

Strip off…a naked sense of play with the lions and lionesses…

I’m starting to feel quite naked these days…and I’m also starting to sense the lioness inside me roar. The eagle take flight. The owl of wisdom gently whispering advice. I’m starting to feel ready to play. Play fiercely and wisely, but most of all: play. A naked sense of freedom is coming over me.

I was looking at the photo from yesterday’s blog, the photo of the lion, and an array of thoughts entered my mind. You see, I get completely lost in that photo – it must be one of the most beautiful photos I’ve ever come across. I absolutely love it. I can literally just sit and stare at it. As I was looking at it, it occurred to me that maybe one of the things I am so drawn to is the almost human look on his face. As if I can see a person in there, or an animal with human characteristics. Other photos I looked at when searching for lions included the same and I thought that maybe what we look for in animals is proof that they too have emotions. That they too love. And when we see love, we love….and that’s the most magical state of being there is.

Secondly, and this thought really struck me, there are these majestic, magical animals and what do we do? We put them in cages and teach them tricks. In the wild they run like the wind, they perform incredible feats, they play, they display their majesty…and we put them in a cage and teach them 1+1=2 by pressing some buttons with their paws? God must be laughing.

Thirdly, I was thinking that what we do to lions is what we do to ourselves. We get a job in a cubicle somewhere, or we spend our lives coming up with “the next big thing” so we can get rich and successful and get a different cubicle – one made of glass and stainless steel. And maybe that’s life. Maybe if we couldn’t do that we would still be having to plough farmland in Siberia. I guess I just think one should be aware that we have made up society and where you want to keep your focus is up to you. You can devote your life to come up with the next great app, or you can raise your kids on a farm, picking strawberries and watching the stars at night…and maybe there you will be inspired to come up with an app for helping people find their heart’s desire, without you even having to try. Or maybe people already know. Naturally.

I love technology. I love that we hunger for knowledge and development and I am in awe of Apple and their apps. I love all that. I just think one should learn to question and think for oneself. Because I’m not really sure if guns, or bombs improved humanity, or if where people tell you to focus your energy is necessarily the best place to focus it.

I think if I can dance, make movies and theatre performances, work with people and live in a natural house say somewhere in the hills outside Cape Town, or LA, with my family…I think I would be happy. I don’t think a Mercedes, or a Hollywood contract would do that much for me. I’d love to spread my work if there’s an audience that would love to receive it…I’d love to have money so I can live without worries…but I get happy from staring at a black and white photo of a lion. I get happy typing my blogs. I don’t need to chase cubicles, I need to live my heart, but I used to feel really bad about it…because I used to think I was a failure because my heart rather go on an adventure, than stick with one job, follow the normal path and gain secure money and sure as hell that would have made me a lot more money…but I would never have seen the Hollywood Hills at sunset, whilst writing this blog. And words can’t describe how much I love that place and this blog. I thought chasing my dreams made me unhappy as it was so unsettling, but really what made me unhappy was thinking of what others thought of me for doing it. For being a gypsy, an artist, a hippie dreamer (who loves Louis Vuitton). And I was also very scared I’d never succeed and be forced to do work I hate for the rest of my life. But there are ways around everything if you just stop focusing on the traditional path and start making up your own.

I have a right. I am entitled to live as I choose. To explore what I love. Unlike those lions we have caged, I am free.

Who wants to play?

Red for passion, pain and priumph…

Very first time sex, first time biking, first time skating…they pretty much all end up with…blood. First time swimming…you sank like a stone, didn’t you? I don’t know about you but I have found with the years that many first time things, such as first time dates, first days at work and first time sex don’t always give the right impression. First impressions last…well, I’m not so sure.

Do you think you have good judgement? I think I have excellent judgement. In my 30 years I have, maybe once, liked someone from day one that I then ended up falling for. Once. Oftentimes I’ve wanted to punch them in the face for no reason. Then again, maybe I was right, because nothing lasted…but then the one I fell for immediately didn’t either. What I am trying to say is that first impressions are often like an apple: it can look shiny on the outside, but be rotten on the inside. Your intuition may be able to tell you so, or some small, small sign of warning, but it’s unlikely you pick up on it if you are excited, hungry, busy, stressed, tired, over joyed, or any other anything that disrupts an empty mind. Similarly, an apple with bit of a brown patch on the skin, can be utterly scrumptiously delicious.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: slow down. Empty your mind before you make decisions. And once you’ve made them, give it time. How long does it take to become an athlete? How long does it take to compose music like Mozart? How long did it take before you could bike, or swim? I remember learning to bike – I was black, blue and my knees were in a state of red mess, but it took me an evening and I was biking. In blissful joy. My bruises made me proud. Keeping it up, when I had fallen over so many times, made me proud. I took pride in putting in the effort to reach my desired result. Be smart – learn how to do things the easiest way (intuition and knowledge), but realize that to get up a hill…you gonna have to climb it…like you climb any good man, or woman.

I’m sure that you check your mobile apps, eat a sandwich and walk to work at the same time, whilst avoiding any traffic hazard you encounter…let’s face it: you are used to multi-tasking and living in what can only be called an ADD culture, but some things take time. And they deserve time. People set up companies, fall in love and enrol in difficult courses at uni thinking it will be a breeze. They hit one obstacle, or get one bad feeling and they are gone. It’s uncomfortable, so they leave. They don’t slow down, check what’s truly going on inside (i.e. what unconscious thoughts and feelings have gotten triggered – if you fail one thing and feel worthless, you may decide to stop at whatever you are doing to stop feeling worthless…but in reality you just failed a test, you aren’t worthless, that’s something you made up), empty their mind and let their intuition guide them. Nor do they realize that it may take a few attempts before the discomfort disappears and they are sailing full speed ahead.

Have you ever heard any of your friends (well, maybe men don’t talk like this, no clue, but women talk sex) say: “OMG I have been dating this guy for about three weeks now, I really like him, he totally turns me on in every way and then we had sex for the first time yesterday and it was appalling, so I can’t wait to do it again and again, until we become orgasmic sexperts!!! I’m so excited!” Or “We’ve been in a four year relationship, things are starting to slow down a bit, you know. Get a bit routine, boring. I’m soooo excited because this is just the wake up call I needed to add some spice both into my life AND the relationship.” Didn’t hear that? Me neither. Nor have I heard of many people going on a bad first date and being excited about giving it a second go. Especially not myself. I’m the one date queen. What’s more, I haven’t really heard of many people having first time sex, or going on a first date thinking they weren’t excited, anxious, or wanting to impress, but rather totally grounded and intuitive, living their greatness. In other words: they weren’t really in the best state of mind for making decisions…but they probably made one, or two (I’ll see you again/I’ll have sex with you again OR I won’t see you again/I won’t have sex with you again).

I’m sure we have all encountered situations where it’s pretty damn obvious that we will, under no circumstance date, or have sex with someone again, or whatever it is we did (some mistakes you truly only wanna make once and sometimes you do truly know with your heart you don’t want it again), all I’m saying is: slow down, take your time, explore and use your intuition to make your decisions. And remember that learning to swim takes time and learning to bike even gives you bruises. Just like that great sex you had the other day…  (Have you ever had that awkward moment when someone asked you what a very awkward positioned bruise was all about? Mmmm, awkwardly great, aren’t they?)

Red hot…

A dragon, or a fierce lover??? You choose…

Today I’m going to talk about dragons and fairy tales, but bear (I always write bare…it’s the nature of the blog…baring ones soul, or else I just talk about sex too much, but I prefer the first explanation…) with me as there is a point and I haven’t just lost my head to a Prince Charming…

So about dragons: Sometimes I think the fairy tales about women in towers guarded by dragons are simply women guarded by their own dragon, trained to keep evil at bay, but by now mistaking everything for evil. Hence, only the man who silences the dragon wins the heart. Sadly if this is the case, anyone with force can enter. A real woman controls her own dragon – opening the gates to the man who will respect her heart and whose heart she respects. Of course any man wanting to enter will have to fight the dragon though, if so just for a while to prove himself worthy of the heart. Men sometimes get confused and start fighting for any heart they can’t have, so you have to make sure he’s really fighting for you. In other words: give him a run for his money.

We all have dragons in our heart in one way or another – they sit there moaning about the bad, fearing the good in case it isn’t good enough and generally trying to protect us from everything by warning us about one hundred and one different things at the same time. They are the what ifs and the watch outs and the buts (I could have that hot butt, but…). They distract us from everything and stop us from enjoying what could have been, had we allowed it.

It’s so easy to think what if? When you aren’t involved in something you think what if that would have been the solution? When you are involved in something you think what if things go wrong? And when things go wrong, because they always do to some extent, you have to know you really want to be there and happily work to sort it out. This is where many people get lost – they move from one thing to another, because as soon as they hit a wall, they leave. Or they simply never get involved enough in the first place to stay – they never allow themselves to love and let go, so they never feel a deep attachment and the glorious happiness that comes when you love like a fool. And “like a fool” simply because you have given up every reservation and completely dedicated your heart…only it feels more like you opened it and magic happened.

A healthy, happy person knows that if something crashes and burns, they will rise from the ashes. They are willing though, after looking at something with an open heart listening to the wisdom of the heart, to invest their all should the investment be wise. They know that they have the go ahead from their heart, not from an over excited state of mind, so they are at peace investing themselves.

When wise people immerse themselves in something, they do so without losing their head and their footing in the world. They are not a teenager in love, but they love as fiercely as a teenager would, with the heart and soul of an adult. They know things can go wrong and they will come out OK should that be the case, but their focus, once invested, is on the good and how to continuously build that.

To let go and fully enjoy something; to learn to build the positive aspects of whatever it is, is a true gift and it means that you fully embrace what you have. You start enjoying it. You start putting in a positive effort to make it even better. You get excited when there is a problem, because there will be a thrill solving it. Things may still go wrong to the point where you know it’s time to quit and hell, it’s 2012 – the whole world might go under, but to know if it could work, you have to give your all.

Commitment sounds boring. I think it sounds terribly boring in fact. To me it sounds much better to say: I have a dream. If you have a dream to set up a company, to have great loving passionate relationship, to build a house, to do whatever it is you want to do…then you have to give your all for it to work. You decide that’s what it is you are going to do, then you leave the reservations somewhere else and give your heart and soul to the project at hand. It will grow exponentially because all of you and all your love is invested in it. If you say you’re gonna give it a go and stir it with your pinkie whilst thinking about everything that could go wrong and all the other things you could be doing, all the other wo/men you could be shagging…it won’t have a chance. You will never feel the joy of it overtaking your heart. Of it building until it becomes the most fabulous thing. Of it making you extraordinarily happy.

It’s really quite weird, because to go for anything is a sacrifice, because you leave everything else, at the same time, without making that sacrifice you will never achieve the greatness of love.

For anything in your life to happen, unless it’s something you are forced into, you have to allow it. In fact, even if you are forced into something, it will never make you happy, unless your heart and soul accepts it. Sometimes, a bit of a force though, shocks the system and you open the gates involuntarily, but you can’t hope that someone will steal your heart, or force you to build your dream. If you want something, you tame your own dragon and get ready to fight all the other people’s dragons you will meet along the way. There’s a thrill in fighting for your dream, you just have to decide it’s worth the fight and be open enough to know when it’s time to quit, should it not be the right fight you’re fighting.

Go on gladiators….attack!!!!!

I think I choose the fierce lover over the dragon…don’t you?

The divine sexlife…

A bit of a pretentious headline mayhaps? But then again I guess I always saw the divine and everything else as one, or at least the possibility to experience the divine as part of life on Earth. Follow the divine in your heart and miracles will follow. That’s how I feel about it.

I also believe that the carnal enables the divine, rather than the opposite way around, if and only if, you are driven by love. We have been blessed by five very physical senses and those enable us to feel the pleasure of life on a carnal plane. I believe that’s divine.

If, on the other hand, carnal desires rule you, they will destroy your pleasure because it will be filled with guilt. If I eat chocolate because I love it, I will eat just enough to feel satisfied. If I eat it to suppress something else, I won’t enjoy it as something else is bugging me and the likelihood is that I will overeat and feel guilt as it isn’t serving my body, my temple on Earth. If I want sex and just sex it’s like having sex with only five of a hundred emotions possible, whereas if you look for the divine in sex and the person you are with, if there is love, so for a stranger, that’s very, very different. If you see the divine within it I mean.

Most of us are quite numb to love and the divine as we are busy surviving, our focus entirely on the plane of the carnal. Society teaches us a path that is often very harsh, very numbing. Life seems hard, unfair and very frightening. Moving forward together in love and light…well that sounds like a hippie phrase, not based in reality. Co-operation across the globe for a better tomorrow seems far fledged when people debate the size of cucumbers allowed across borders and shoot others because 2000 years ago there was a division of the land. People are brought up with a mentality that doesn’t necessarily focus on worshipping the divine in life and each other.

I came across this article today, which inspired this post. I didn’t really come across it. It was more like shoved in my face by my best friend. It’s about worshipping the divine in women, the feminine. Although you probably all know by now that I can’t stand the talk that the feminine is superior to the masculine, as we all have superior qualities and balance between the two is my personal theory of superiority (yin and yang), I do love this article. It’s a bit long and winding, but it has a few points, the main being that within a woman there is the sacred feminine. in her core. For a man to reach there, there are a few gates he has to pass through. He has to have the patience and the willingness to get there. In the same way I believe there is a way to the masculine divinity within a man.

I also believe the article touches upon another great point, namely that in each thing, each being, there is a teacher, or a source of wisdom, if you are only willing to learn. A tree will speak to me if I study it, as will a man. And I don’t mean speak in words, but by observing we will learn. We will learn what makes a tree strong. We will learn what makes a man strong. In the same way we will learn what will break a tree and what will break a man. Sometimes it’s good to be like the tree, sometimes it’s good to be like the man. And maybe, just maybe, if you listen to your own heart it will tell you the same tales through your sixth sense if you are open and loving. I believe love protects you and guides you.

To have the patience to enter the divine in each being, in each thing, is a blessing. It’s a blessing because you will discover a world of beauty and magic. It takes a lot of patience though. A lot of silent belief in each and everything. Personally, whether I am trying to get to know a dog, a child, or a man I just sit down and wait. I put myself in a state of calm and openness and I wait. Sooner or later most animals and humans sense the calm and they open up in a positive way. Sometimes this leads to telepathy as well as you become open to their feelings and thoughts, for better or worse you become a channel through which their energy passes.

Who a person is in their heart, unless they are very attuned with themselves and open, is not who they will act out at all times. This is why it takes time to get to the divine of a person – ideally it would be seen easily by all, because everyone would be living it.

And divine sex….uhm…welll, I think it is heart to heart, soul to soul, feeling love and compassion in your heart whilst making love. All gates open whilst making love and appreciating the sex and the feelings it brings to your body and to your partner. To feel thankful for the divine in the carnal.

 

 

Sex in front of the Prime Minister…

I love taboos. I mean they are so ridiculous. Like we are all on this planet pretending to be someone, or something we are not, apart from with our near and dear ones, whom know the truth. They know what we look like naked, both in the flesh and soul, if we are lucky. Some people tend to want to keep their soul hidden even from those nearest to them.

People often live behind intricate webs of lies. I guess American Beauty captured that. We all go on pretending we are “normal” and we have achieved what society calls the ultimate goals, such as owning our own house, having two cars, a dog, 2.5 kids (in Sweden) and enough money to go on vacation to the sun once a year and to the snow once a year. No one gets depressed, fucks up, has STDs, drinks too much, or have gang bangs (unless you live in San Francisco). And for sure no one has an abusive partner, was ever abused sexually or otherwise, comes from a “bad” background, or committed a crime. No one has issues and no one lives a “frivolous” life (in whatever way, shape, or form).

The problem with this is that people walk around feeling shameful for who they are, pretending to be someone they are not. Some to the point where they feel unloved, or unsupported, as no one knows the truth.

Another issue is that people often don’t nip problems in the bud – they have gotten so good at pretending they don’t have them that they simply ignore them altogether. It’s easier pretending to the wife that you don’t wanna shag the girl at Starbucks than telling her the sex life needs spicing up. It’s easier pretending to your colleagues at work when they ask about the dark circles that you are going through a lengthy process of selling your house, rather than that your kid is addicted to coke. It’s easier to avoid making the phone call you know you have to make, than actually make it. It’s easier to start off with, but when the molehill has become a mountain and everything shatters around you, it’s not so easy anymore.

What’s more is that all these friggin taboos lead to people burying their imagination in some sort of rabbit hole somewhere and usually never venture down that rabbit hole. I personally never managed to get rid of my imagination and till this day it startles some people. People are so prim and proper about how things are supposed to be. For example, I always wanted to have a house with a slide from one floor to another, but you can just imagine people’s faces if I did?! People have set ideas about things, from weddings to career paths. Personally, I have never been able to follow traditional patterns, which for one drives my dad to insanity. “Can’t you just be normal and follow normal paths?” Erhm, no. And I get driven crazy by other people, when I think they have no imagination.

Because I was so frightened of others opinion, so shy, growing up I guess my sense of liberation is not just doing what I want fearlessly, but doing it completely sans attitude. Doing something not as a rebellion, or to impress, or shock, but because my heart wants it.

I don’t know, I guess I just think people a bit stiff, a bit caught behind their own attitude, whether that be the outrageous artist, or the proper banker. Like is that really who they are, or just a pattern they are trapped in? Like who are you without all that? And what would it be like to be honest for a day? Not in a mean way, but in an understanding way? I always thought that if we were a little bit more like ourselves and did a little more of what we like, maybe it would be a little bit more accepted. No one is flawless, but we all have a heart and we should do our best to allow it to live.

I came to think of all this again (I know I’ve blogged about it before) because I was on my way to an appointment yesterday and this guy tried to stop me in the street and sell some charity thing. I told him I was in a hurry to a meeting, but then started laughing as I carried on walking as really: I was in a hurry to have a Brazilian. And who doesn’t have a Brazilian? But who talks about it? It’s not like because you talk about it you will let someone see the job (then again, some guys have too good an imagination and I’m the first to avoid certain topics with certain men)! Nor, do you have to provide details, there are some things that should be private, just not shameful, or taboo, or whatever, because that leads to misery.

A former friend of mine was once having sex on the balcony, when the Prime Minister of Sweden happened to come out on another balcony and I found this quite funny, whereas I’m sure some would find it embarrassing, but you know…why not? Even the Prime Minister must have sex sometimes! I’m not advocating sex in the streets as I personally don’t wanna see everyone else shagging, I’m just saying that we all do it, just like we all have our strong points and our weak points and an imagination that maybe needs a bit more freedom…

Clearly, there is no one hiding in there…