Sex fantasies and all… (#humor #sex #love & #sarcasm)

I don’t believe in love at first sight. I’m so easily distracted when I see hot guys, that chances are if I did fall in love instantly, I’d run him over with a truck. And if we are to base this on trial and error from the past, my history shows that every man I did fall in love with at first sight usually ended up being disposed of rather quickly and those I said I’d never date in a million years ended up in my bedroom. There are, of course, exceptions to the rule. I once saw a guy walking into a nightclub and decided I wanted him. It’s not so weird though given the week before I had written a long list of everything I wanted in a man (most notably that he should be a filmmaker with dark curly hair and speak fluent French) and this man fit the bill. Not that I could have known that when he walked in the door, but maybe I was psychic? Or maybe I created him if it is true we create our reality? However, the time I said I wanted to marry an American millionaire I ended up with two, none of whom I married. I simultaneously asked for my soul mate and the problem was probably that my soul mate wasn’t a millionaire. Yet. I can only hope he’s become one since.

Sometimes when I feel bad about my non-existent love life and my past escapades I retort to reading Sex and the City quotes, because if I fucked up at least I will be sure to remember Samantha fucked a lot more. That could, potentially, be seen as a depressing fact as well though, in which case I have to bring out chocolate to see things in another light. Chocolate, however, is not well-known for its sense of humor. For that you might need to grab a bottle of wine.

If the wine makes you sentimental, instead of giggly, it will remind you that the reason you dated fucked up men is because you were fucked up. This means you are suddenly overcome by an urge to work on your beloved business as a form of escapism, as it will remind you that there is passion in your life, even if it doesn’t come with an orgasm. If you really can’t get your head out of the gutter you pick up a cheap novel about ever lasting romance and convince yourself that if the fifty year old heroine who suffers from a lot more psychological issues than you manages to find some hot dude who swears his undying love to her, so will you. You try to disregard the fact that the book was written by a woman and has more illogical flaws to the storyline than any writer/director could possibly ignore. Especially the fact that the man in the story is hot, nice and faithful.

Then, suddenly, it dawns on you that you’ve become a sarcastic bitch to cover up the fact that your favorite feel good movie is “We Bought a Zoo” because Matt Damon as a single dad is utterly irresistible and your dream of having the perfect family is completely illogical when looking at your past endeavors in the dating field. So you decide to write a new list of what you want in a man that starts with “He gets me and he loves me…” and ends with “P.S. he can also dance and he does have a six-pack” “P.P.S. He’s not an addict, criminal, psychologically unstable, manic depressive, prone to snoring, bad in bed, living in a different country or with his mother permanently, fucking anyone I know, unfaithful, or prone to any other potentially damaging thing.”

It sucks having a gooey heart, protected by walls of sarcasm three stories high, doesn’t it? It sucks even more trying to let go of the walls and be like “Here I am. Matt Damon fantasies and all.”

Writing down all my dirty fantasies. I mean I’m sure Matt Damon had to take care of a lot of mud in that zoo….

The silent orgasm…

How do you find the words when words evade you? We bury our treasures because they are so precious to us we fear others may steal them. If they are buried in the ground we can’t enjoy them ourselves either though. We have to learn to trust others with our treasures so that we can get to enjoy them openly and share the joy with others.

I’m scared right now. I’m scared because so many things are happening that I truly care about and I fear that if I speak about them maybe something happens and they will all just have been castles in the air and I’ll be left standing there with nothing. I don’t wanna talk, I wanna walk the talk. Yet not speaking about it isn’t what’s the thing to do – what to do is speaking about what’s happening without being attached to the outcome in a negative way. We all want our dream outcome, but we also have to know that life has its ways and the best we can do is to keep going for what we love, whilst also turning every present moment into a miracle.

First of all there are business and charity ventures that are starting to come together, whilst also working doing writing assignments for companies I enjoy writing for (that’s my day job). The first I’m scared of because you never know, the second because I feel like there’s always a deadline I’m running to catch up with and with life happening daily you never know what might throw you. With all this there’s time constraint and right now I’m working like crazy to try to downsize everything and make sure it all fits together. Believe it or not that’s a BIG job LOL.

Secondly, secondly there are the kids. As faithful readers know I work in a crèche in Hangberg, a township in Cape Town (that’s my passion project The Wandering Tales). It’s a crèche for kids whose parents can’t really afford to send them to a crèche, parents who are often abusive and/or substance misusers; some are in jail, some have died, others have HIV and so do some of the kids. Some of the kids suffer from malnutrition and drug and alcohol damages too.

I was making the kids “trolldeg” – you mix flour, water, salt and oil to make playdough…and I got a bit carried away and delivered it in different shapes…

The crèche is nothing fancy – it’s three small sheds (of which one is a storage room) for 63 kids, no proper toilets, no kitchen, no electricity, only one tap, no sinks, not enough bowls and spoons for the kids so they have to take turns, not enough money for lunch but at least breakfast, not enough classrooms…you get the picture. And at first you wanna cry because it’s so little – you want to give the kids more love, more education, more food…more everything good. Spending two weeks there your perspective changes and you wanna cry because it’s so much love and care and attention to kids that come from nothing given by teachers who get almost no payment yet show up every day.

So right now, apart from spending time with the kids and teaching drama, I’m helping put together a website, create a fundraising campaign for Little Angels and CARES, etc., which all ties into my own ventures and fuels my heart with love and passion. What’s more though, there are four kids that really spoke to my heart and one day I blurted this out to the principal and said I’d adopt them if I only could, the principal spoke to their parents (or relatives that step in to try and help them when parents don’t really do it) and it looks like I might end up being some kind of support for those four. Two twins – a boy and a girl, T & T, and two boys D & W.

Now this has thrown my world upside down. Apart from feeling like I’m finally living the life of my dreams doing what I love I suddenly have four little kids that might come to count on me. I don’t know how yet. I know that so long as we don’t have money for lunch at the crèche I have to bring lunch as theirs is sometimes lacking, I have to buy vitamins and twice a week or so I have to show up and take the kids somewhere to play. That’s all I have agreed to, all I can agree to and my heart is bursting with joy – I’m given a chance to give these kids something.

The principal is gonna meet with the parents again next week and talk about how they see this working and sort out things like “in the event of an accident.” I can’t guarantee someone won’t drive into my car. There are some legal aspects to this, even if it’s Hangberg and no one gives a damn. Then I’m gonna meet the parents. Then we will see. And that’s the practical bit, but then there’s the emotional bit.

The kids playing with the dough I gave them…

Maybe I will be a nanny of sorts, or an extra auntie, or a mentor…or a foster parent. Maybe I will spend more and more time with them, or maybe the parents will one day say no altogether. And there are other emotional aspects. I know one of them has HIV, two are beaten at home and all four are border line starving.

The principal is convinced I’m pretty much saving the life of these four and just “wait and see how they are going to blossom,” but truth is with the influence from home and friends anything could happen to those kids and after a while there might be the issue of them not wanting to go home, because home is not a nice place to be always and not to mention my feelings of sending them home. Then of course there’s the HIV positive one – I told the principal who is also feeding 120 kids in her spare time and being the whole community’s “go to” person for HIV care, plus of course running a crèche for 63 kids with no money – that she has to have a talk with his mom and ensure she makes sure he gets his meds, or I will. They cured the first kid in the States with HIV recently, the meds are getting better and life does not have to be compromised, but it’s still a stigma, it’s still dangerous if not looked after.

The principal a.k.a. the whole community’s pillar

I’ve also told the principal she has to be the go-between between the parents and I, and make sure no one shows up on my doorstep asking for money for drugs. That’s one money issue, but what happens in a few years time when I will want the kids to attend good schools? What happens if the parents decide to leave the kids on my doorstep? What happens if I don’t get a permanent visa? I’m gonna have to fly back and forth to Cape Town if I end up becoming close to the kids. I don’t know anything yet and that frightens me. I don’t even know if it all will work out and I will get to spend time with them yet and my heart is so attached to this outcome I wake up at 6am in the morning with a big grin on my face because somehow, miraculously, even without the money to adopt I have been given a chance to make a difference.

The thing is, I don’t know what I can do, but I will do what I can, if that makes sense? My heart is so full with happiness, joy and love it feels like it’s about to burst. This was always my dream. Living in Africa, helping kids, teaching, making movies, writing stories, dabbling with food and herbs…and it’s all slowly but surely coming together. But by Lord I need a visa and I need to make money from what I love rather than on top of that writing for people.

On Wednesday I was at the crèche briefly and for most of that time I was carrying around little D as he won’t let me out of sight when I’m there. Then I spent some time trying to comfort another little boy who got his thumb squeezed and for that matter whose father is in jail for murder. I also managed to lift up T & T and every other kid who wanted a hug and little Mr T was showing me he could dance like Michael Jackson. It’s perfect – we will just dance all the time! Little W was home sick – he suffers malnutrition and easily catches bugs.

The only pot we have for food, how food is served and how we wash our hands – there are no sinks, so it’s one bucket for all. We dream of a bathroom with a bathtub so we can clean the kids and brush their teeth. Many have rotting teeth. The step after that is getting a washing machine as many don’t have clean clothes, or no clothes so we also want a uniform for the kids, but first we need blankets, electricity and radiators for winter.

Yesterday was the first day I brought in vitamins. Only T & T were there as it was the start of the Easter Holiday. For them it was like Christmas morning – Miss T did not chew them up for fifteen minutes, she was too busy showing me she had them in her mouth and showing anyone else who cared. Mr T was showing me he would grow strong because of them. And as I was sitting waiting for the other teacher to get the last kids out of the loo (those portable loos you rent) and into the classroom to sleep and another teacher had just silenced them and gotten them to lie down, Mr T opened his eyes and asked if I will still be there later, as if frightened that when he wakes up I’m gone. I told him next week and he nodded, looking very wise. Then he broke the rules and ran up to ask for more vitamins.

Little Miss T on the other hand, after another teacher came in and silenced everyone once more, broke the rules to run up to place a big kiss on my cheek and tell me she loved me “so much.” Then chaos ensued as about five other girls tried to follow suite.

The principal told me that last year the kids got a present from some vitamin booster company and the next day someone’s relative came in to say the kids haven’t slept all night. Why? They were so excited they had been given a gift and couldn’t sleep because they were scared someone would take it away from them. So now the principal makes sure to host a party by the end of each month to celebrate everyone whose birthday it has been that month.

Maybe I’m crazy for agreeing to help those kids as much as I can, but it’s been the happiest moments of my life getting to do this. This was my dream growing up. All I wanted was my Dr Quinn – Angelina Jolie life. My Colorado Springs became Hangberg.

I’m scared people will look down on me for what I’m doing because I’m not a millionaire – I’m giving them lunch and a few hours of my time for now. The reason I feel confident doing it still is because life here is different. You have to understand that the crèche has 63 kids not because it wouldn’t run better if there were only 30, but because if they left the other 33 out, they’d be roaming the streets with no one raising them and not even getting their daily porridge and fruit. The little you can do for every child counts. You have to try to educate them. That’s what will make a difference. It’s not about providing label clothes, or trips to Spain. It’s about a bowl of rice, a hug and teaching values that will hopefully inspire them to turn Hangberg into a beautiful town and prevent them from going down the path of drugs, theft, prostitution and HIV.

Together with improving the crèche and setting up more educational centres and structures for youth in Hangberg I hope that we can create a sustainable future for some of the kids out there. You can’t think you are going to save them all, not even the kids you get to look after, but you can put as many structures in place as possible to ensure that the moral support, love and basic means are met to give the kids a chance. Together with CARES, Little Angels, The Wandering Tales and Naughty Magique I hope to instill change. I hope to do something. Just as I hope that a couple of hours a week of my time and some food will give something to my four little ones. It’s a hope. It’s not a given, but if you pray and move your butt sometimes you create miracles. Those four are a miracle in my life. I’m not blind – this is gonna be the ride of a lifetime, but it’s the ride I asked for, dreamed of and pray will be infused with as much love and happiness as possible. Or to explain it differently: many people tell me my work must be hard and depressing. I find it life affirming and joyous. Sure I know the kids have a hard time at home, but I see the joy in their eyes every day. I get run down with hugs and I love yous and I missed you every day. I see opportunity. Chance. Possibility. I see kids that are great, not wounded. It amazes me how these kids function so well. It astounds me. And it gives me hope that together we can make a difference.

This is not poetry; it’s the poetry of my life and it’s precious. Very precious.

If these kids inspire you as much as they do me, feel free to get in touch, even if just to talk. If you want to find out more, or help us spread the word on social media once we start our business and fundraising initiatives, we’d love to hear from you. Or if you want to donate an old camera, laptop, blankets, toys, another pot for food, or an hour a month to come down and teach them whatever you can…you name it. Our page is The Wandering Tales and there you can send us message!

Nudity…exposed…

Life is so naked sometimes, do you know what I mean? Like you’re standing there suddenly feeling totally naked. Exposed to the world. I mean you can be completely naked without being naked at all. It’s so easy to throw off your clothes and run around naked on the beach. It’s so difficult to stand naked looking someone in the eye completely giving and surrendering knowing full well you may not be whom they will choose.

It’s a lot easier to be naked if you know you are loved. If love is filling you up. If your entire life is infused with love. It’s easier because love sustains you and you know that no matter what happens in one area, you have love in all the others. You will still be sustained without that one particular love. It’s also easier if you see yourself as a gift to the world rather than to that one thing, or that one person. In fact that will make you open up and blossom like a most fragrant flower. Because love is beautiful and if you share it willingly with everyone, you will be beautiful.

It’s hard to teach that to someone. It’s hard to get someone to understand that the more open they are, the more they give of their love, the more likely their life will be filled with love. It’s hard to tell someone that because often they will want to hide away. Escape. The fear of being heartbroken makes it logical to close their hearts, or so they think.

Maybe the hardest person to convince is yourself. Your heart. That thing beating inside of you. That thing that wants to close its doors. That. To convince that to stay open.

It’s so easy to play. To close the door. Open it a bit. Close it again. Become the alluring someone high up in the tower, just out of reach. So you can feel safe and they can keep chasing a dream. But being up there you never get what you want. Because what you want is down there. You want to open your heart and be loved for it. That’s why you are playing the game in the first place. You want to be adored. Every inch of your body. Every inch of your soul.

And you want to show your love. All that immense love you have inside of you, you want to set it free and let it flow freely to those you love. That’s why you played all the games in the first place. Because you thought they’d take you there and because it was scary to be down there. Scary to be present when you didn’t love yourself and your entire happiness depended on other people’s opinions. You thought love would hurt, when instead it was the lack of love hurting you all along.

So you decide in one breathtaking moment that you are going to be naked from now till forever. You shiver. And then you feel the freedom…

That rings true to my butt!!!

Some people say this blog is outrageously sexy, borderline dirty…not sure what’s wrong with them, clearly they can’t see beneath the clothes and gather the true naked purity. Seriously.

So what was I pondering about writing about today? Nakedness? Clearly. Big butts? Absolutely.

Actually, I was planning to write about sex drive. Or well, not really. More like chemistry (I once turned something on fire in high school. Never do chemistry with a blonde. In fact, we were two blondes. Never do chemistry with two blondes.). My intention was not to blog about chemistry that involves rocket fuel and other explosives though (never did keep my attention), but chemistry between men and women. That always got my attention. Or more like it: got me distracted from everything else.

I was just chatting to a friend and we were discussing…men. So I was telling her that as soon as there’s chemistry I go for that. I fall for that. It’s like my wants are totally mis-wired. I don’t focus on whether the guy shows up for me, or not. It’s just the connection, the ability to talk, laugh… – our personalities match in such a way that I have a chemical reaction. Well I have chemical reactions to blooming chocolate too and I have no intention of marrying a chocolate bar.

And then there’s the next part of the chemical reaction – how my brain reacts. Now this is a total misfire because my brain decides it’s time to impress. It doesn’t understand the concept of just being. It has to “be” what he wants. But I wanna be loved for being me, not for doing a blowjob upside down whilst also managing to paint like Da Vinci with my feet. Simultaneously. Painting an orgasm.

And it doesn’t end there. To topple it off my brain decides (without asking my permission) that it must not have emotions (or at least confess to having them). That would be totally catastrophical. You must flirt. You must impress. You must be sexy and sassy and totally everything you could ever think a woman should be…just not emotional. That would scare men away. And if nothing else, it would mean you are weak (if he doesn’t like you that might mean something to you and he might figure that out and that would like be humiliating. Like you’re not good enough? Although that’s not true. You know that. Only your ego doesn’t know that and will have a fit, unless you manage to disconnect it and start living from the heart…mhm.). You have a romance bone (the size of the Mississippi river) in your body. You are a silly romantic. Disastrous. So in other words you are trying to hook a man by not having emotions, meaning you want to marry a man who dislikes emotions and so you can never show your love? Then you will be pushed away if you do show love (story of my life). That’s…that’s highly intelligent. Or you both have emotions but can’t show them. Oh the joy of that relationship.

What do I want from a man? A man who’s totally grounded, living from the heart. Has his confidence in his heart, not his ego. A man that sees life for what it is, yet creates from his imagination. A free spirit. A man connected to nature somehow. A man who cares about you and shows up for you. Who does random acts of kindness for you. A real man, who is also a romantic. A naughty man in the bedroom. A playful, outrageously sexy and curious man who dares to love you with all his heart. Someone who has your best intentions at heart and will always be there to clearly communicate how he sees your relationship and even if something goes wrong, would never fail to be there as one human being to another. And that’s when you realize that your strategy for getting the man you truly want is so far out in Tyrannosaurus Rex land that you should have been extinguished by now. And come to think of it you are. You are single. Your genes aren’t going to be brought forward. And your grandma is going to have a fit after praying for a miracle for the last ten years about you finally settling down. Oupsidaisy.

The fact is, we all have a couple of weird ass patterns we act out. I’m not particularly keen on my own, because they mean I attract people and situations that don’t reflect my heart. But the more I grow, the more I learn to value my own beauty, my own heart, the closer I get to living my dreams. Yes, it’s scary because it feels vulnerable, but it puts you in a lot less vulnerable position than when you act out someone you aren’t to “protect yourself” (usually without even realizing) and you end up in places you never wished to be.

I dare myself every day now to let go of these patterns and not have to be anything and instead just being. It feels really strange and I can’t say I don’t fall back into wanting to impress at times, but I feel so much freer.

Whoever you are, whatever path you are on…don’t give in to chemical reactions. They are only chemical reactions (I’m talking about the ones happening in our brain and make you want to act out strange patterns). Always keep asking what rings true to your heart. Let your heart be your guiding compass.

It’s all about what’s going on underneath the clothes guys. All about the heart. Not dirty enough for you? Well I apologize, but underneath my hooker boots (had to dump those in London) and short leather skirts, I tend to bake pancakes and get ridiculously excited about eco-friendly house holding tips. I do not apologize if I ruined your fantasy (…which was truly my fantasy, my idea of whom I should be…and I do still like hooker boots and leather skirts, I must say. So long as they aren’t a cover for another part of me that I don’t dare show.). I’m proud of my little heart, as you should be of yours! (OK, so that’s potentially a corny sentence, but it’s true, hey?!)

(If you thought this post was going to be about anal sex I must apologize for the misconception. I’m sure you’ll find something that’s about anal sex in the archives though. Metaphorically speaking. Naturally. Actually no – once I blogged about it not metaphorically speaking and I remember this because it’s one of my fav blogs of all time...I feel like a change…maybe I should become a lesbian???)

I want those jeans! And I want that photographer to take a picture like that of me! Hot damn!

Hands down your pants…

Want some hands in your pants ladies and gents? Well it’s NYE, time to get naughty…

Seriously speaking it is time to get naughty – it’s time for new year’s resolutions – whether the ones you intend to keep, or break. Personally I aim for no fear. That means I will probably break my vow at least ten times a day when I chicken out on things, but it also means that I will watch my thoughts and see when something comes in to stop me from what I would love. Because it’s all about what we would love by the end of the day (I mean really – your resolutions are to do what you love, or create what you love, or be whom you love being) and if you aren’t doing it, chances are you have some fear around it. Fear you might not even realize you have – most of the stuff controlling our behavior isn’t conscious until you stop and really think about what you are thinking about…

I don’t think it’s about curing fear either, I think it’s about hanging with the tension and instead of avoiding something, or forcing yourself to do it pretending to be cool, being vulnerable to your own fear and doing it without forcing. Can’t really explain it, but if you force you usually put something on top. Ever tried “impressing” instead of just sharing of yourself, of your heart and what you are good at? Or even if it’s your first ever dance class and you aren’t good at, just relaxing and having fun? Living your heart in other words. I’m making a movie about this next year…a dance movie. Now that’s a dream come true.

So what would I love? I would love to live my dreams, that’s what I would love. And I would love to share those dreams with those I love. I don’t want to blog about all of them right now…I really just feel like sitting down and sharing them with those I love, but man, family, writing and making movies would probably sum them up. Oh and creating a life in Cape Town…I’m still new in town so it will take a while, but buying a car next week will make things a lot easier.

Feel free to share your resolutions with me…the world…your loved ones, or just your own heart! Happy New Year folks – may it bring you the life your heart truly dreams of and lots of love in every area of your life!!! Go create magic!!! Cheers!!!

If your thoughts wander and your hands don’t follow, are you living your dreams???

Would you like to get naked my dear???

Would you like to get naked? You see, I have developed this new concept of nakedness. All you have to do is strip your clothes off and your life is transformed. Forever. Just ask that guy who saw that girl naked and life was never the same again…suddenly he was having SEX all the time…

I don’t know how many times I’ve read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Many times. There is this idea put forward if you so like, saying that we are scared of going after our dreams because we do not know if they will be all we’ve imagined. So sometimes our dream is right in front of us and we do not touch it. Because we want to keep the dream.

Other times I find the dream is all around us, but we still somehow manage to avoid it, because we do not give of ourselves to it. We don’t pour all our love and hard work into something, because we are scared we will fail. We leave a little bit of room for failure, a little room to say we didn’t do our best anyway, so if it fails, well it wasn’t because we were incapable it was because of time, or money, or whatever else.

There are yet other times when we are living the dream without really living it at all – we really fucking go for it, but our heart is closed, because we are afraid if we open it and we do not get the end result we dream of, then we will break our own heart. We don’t trust. It’s kind of like living in a glass cube where you do everything, but don’t truly feel it. It’s like banging someone without stopping to feel…it’s being aloof to our own senses, scared that if we invest them we may feel pain.

Another version of not trusting is “keeping our options open” – we invest some time and energy, we think we are truly exploring something, but we don’t surrender to the moment, we always keep a little bit of focus somewhere else. And when things don’t work out we think we were really clever for not surrendering… It’s like putting your toes in the water, thinking you swam and then wondering why you didn’t get anywhere, or felt the beauty of the ocean all around you. Yeah, I wonder why?

The ego is a tricky bitch. It will lure us away from what we love in so many different ways and we won’t even notice it unless we open our heart so that we can truly feel what resonates with us. I always compare it to having sex versus making love. How often do we slow down and feel, totally feel another person’s energy and truly explore their taste, smell and touch? I mean there are a great deal of sensations going on during sex, totally overwhelming, just like life unless you slow down and allow yourself to open your heart to it. Feel it. Explore it. Taste it. Lovingly play with it.

To fully explore you have to be fully open and surrender. To do so you have to fully trust. Trust yourself. Trust your own heart.

I find it a challenge to live my heart fully every day without hold backs. To give without analyzing. To surrender to every moment. To be fully present with those I love. To be fully present with strangers, whether I like them, or not. I have chased my dreams all over the world without ever surrendering and actually living the dream. I still have nightmares about trying to find my home in the Hollywood Hills. It’s the only place I have felt at home you see, but as I started having those dreams and wondering whether it is right to be here and blah, blah…I stopped living. Instead of focusing on my life I started thinking about what everyone else is doing and what the right choice is…my heart chose Cape Town. I want to surrender to the city to truly explore it. My heart sings for this place and my work here, yet it’s so easy to get sidetracked by obstacles…as soon as you have a fight with your boyfriend there’s an obstacle. Potential pain. And if you always run to a new guy…when will you ever discover love?

I’m scared. I’m scared of not meeting enough people and making enough friends. I’m scared of spending Christmas and New Year’s by myself. I’m scared of my economical situation, although that’s looking up. I’m scared of running into danger. I’m scared of failing with what I love most – the projects in Cape Town working in the townships and with film. I’m scared of never finding/recognizing/finding but not being loved by my soulmate (due to ego blockages). I’m fucking petrified already. But I like this town. I have a funny feeling I will come to love it.

I don’t have a return ticket. I think somewhere, that’s where my mind needs to be also. To relax into the city. To feel it. To explore it. To make love to it. To surrender and open my heart to it. That’s my dream. To live life like that. Naked. To live that presently with an open heart, receiving and giving love freely. And it would be nice to be with a man who did the same.

That’s my proposal for a naked lifestyle. I think I will need to sell the concept: better results in life than with Tony Robbins…quick, only $0.99 for one blog that will change your life! The bottom line? Get undressed!!!

Definitively time to get naked…whoop, whoop!

Confessions of the heart…

It’s been a wild ride coming to Cape Town…but sometimes wild rides lead to magic. Wild magic. Wild love. At least that’s what I would love…

The Cape Doctor a.k.a. the wind welcomed me with her caresses, rather brutal ones, with sand stroking my skin with an intensity that would make most blush. But if you like it rough…

I don’t like it rough unless it’s with heart, but sometimes what happens is that a storm wind cracks your heart open. In this case, I believe it just might.

Apart from having my things stolen, realizing I need to buy  car (and the economical stress that came with that) and the urgent need to find a home, the most challenging thing was feeling helpless. Walking the streets to the supermarket in a sandstorm, feeling at loss to the new city. Feeling like an idiot for being robbed. And then that sensation of not having enough money to do as I please and take charge of the situation in a manner that suited me. In a manner that I felt comfortable with. Instead, I had to count on the kindness of strangers and indeed many have been very nice, looking after me. My landlord for one is a sweet, grumpy old man who says that any boyfriend I have need to be approved by him, before he stays over. If I want to keep him here permanently I can pay 300 rand extra a month. It’s a nice price tag to keep a man fulltime. Even I might become a cougar.

The worst thing about all this is that I have stood in all this incredible beauty and just felt so lonely and lost. Today I spent the day with my friends and standing just next to them I still had a feeling I wasn’t there. A myriad of thoughts and feelings were going through me and I couldn’t even feel my own presence. I was acting a part, whilst desperately trying to find myself and step into my own heart, which I have been looking for since I got here. It was incredibly painful, not being able to just be.

Then when we were driving home tonight I saw the valley where I live and as we were driving into it I felt this calm come over me. I felt my home await me. I felt my own heart pounding. Suddenly I was there. I was here. I was home. And I could finally feel myself again. It was so magical. I was finally home.

You see what Cape Town did to me was blow away all my defenses and put me in a position where my ego could not shine, not play that normal charade where it is comfortable enough to share some heart…because it’s in a position where it feels it shines. I felt helpless. My ego had a meltdown, or shut down, should I say, where I went aloof, because the feelings were so overwhelming. The storm simply created chaos and then…it blew away and I was left standing there with my heart on my sleeve and I felt home. A tad at loss, a tad vulnerable…or very vulnerable, but home.

You know, the most beautiful thing you have is your own heart. The most beautiful gift is the expression of your heart. The most beautiful feeling is your own love. No one who is a living expression of their heart will want more than a slice of you – to see, feel and touch your heart. To gain your love. We act parts in hope of gaining recognition, but the most beautiful recognition is when someone sees and feels your heart. Nothing more beautiful. Those people may be few and far in between and God it hurts losing them, but always know: there are more coming.

The most important gift to you is your own heart. The most important gift to others is your own heart. By the end of the day, it’s all about love.

I really felt off-key these last few days, not living in my own heart…in fact I’ve felt off key since I left Cali where both my heart and ego felt fine, but I have more and more stepped into my heart. Here I couldn’t share my heart at all, until around 7:30 tonight. I felt helpless neither being able to have an ego show off (which is totally false, but feels better than having an ego meltdown), nor being able to share my wisdom, nor my love, freely. It makes me realize how much I value my true self. How much I value my own heart. It’s so beautiful. And so is yours, whoever you are.

Clearly I need to grow a bigger butt, to be able to express my heart more easily…

Through making love, we experience love…

People are people through other people, so an Ubuntu saying goes. I find this an absolutely beautiful take on life and have many times blogged about how we experience ourselves through others. Through others we get to laugh, feel their touch on our skin, see our own beauty and marvel in friendship. In one way you could say that you learn through others who you are. Yet, who we are is not always experienced by others, or even ourselves.

It’s so easy to believe what others say about us, how they react to us and so on, but really, they are part of that reaction. If they are looking at us through their ego, rather than their heart, what they will see is rather different from what their heart would see. And if they are looking at our ego rather than our heart they will also form a very different opinion of us than if they were looking at our heart. Of course they can look at us with their heart, see our heart, but also acknowledg that we are acting out our ego.

We choose every day how we view ourselves – whether from the ego, or the heart. We also choose if we act out our ego, or our heart. When we look at others we choose to see their ego, or their heart and react to them with our ego, or our heart. Sometimes we look at people’s heart, but as they keep responding to life with their ego it can be frustrating watching them, even though of course how they live is up to them and truly, if you are only viewing them from the heart probably all you do is love and let go.

I have had a few ego reactions lately and I started laughing at myself this morning when I realized it doesn’t matter what other people do, or say, so long as I stay true to my heart, the right people will connect with me and form the right kind of relationships with me. For example, let’s use my favourite love and sex metaphors…say you are dating someone and sometimes they live their ego, sometimes their heart. One night this friend of theirs, whom you know likes them, keeps flirting with them. Now, you can either try to control the situation by getting your partner out-of-the-way, or start flirting with them yourself so that their ego recognizes the wonderful qualities of yours as you shake your butt very impressively on the dance floor. You could also walk away whimpering thinking whoever got your partner’s attention is superior to you and you are completely unloveable. Or you can just be a living expression of your heart, connecting with theirs if it is open and leaving it if it is not. If one of your hearts is not open the relationship, in a sense, is dead. There might still be a foundation for it, you might have had your hearts open at various points, but as it stands that’s it. You can keep a relationship together for a lifetime with your egos, but in my mind that’s still a dead relationship.

As I see it, if you live with an open heart and the person you are dating is living mainly from their ego, making ego choices, you won’t wish to be with them anyway. If on the other hand they live from the heart and they choose to flirt with someone else, then they are not for you, as their heart is not resonating with yours. Of course, some people choose to have their hearts open to everybody, not just socially but also sexually. That’s a choice each individual needs to make and be honest with their partner about.

Now that’s just a metaphor, but I believe it applies to many, many situations in life and in the relationships with all those around us work wise and socially as well. We often hold onto things that don’t ring true because of our ego and let go of others for the same reason. When the ego starts choosing our dates, our work and how we live our day-to-day life, even our family life, things start to jar, we feel fear and the need to control ourselves and others. Our self-confidence may very well drop, because we are going after things that don’t truly resonate with us and hence we create havoc along the way and get rejected, or live successfully but without fulfilment. And when you aren’t fulfilled you feel jealousy towards those who seem to be, sometimes wishing to be like them, whereas truly fulfilment comes from living your heart.

My wish to control situations slowly evaporated as I became aware that the only control I need to exercise is to constantly stay tuned with my heart. That’s something I have to remind myself of daily though.

It has long since been my belief that if I live my bare heart, the right people will connect to it and magic will happen. In other words: be a living expression of your heart and your life will become one too.

A lot of things happen below the surface, especially if your heart is not worn on the sleeve…

Strip off…a naked sense of play with the lions and lionesses…

I’m starting to feel quite naked these days…and I’m also starting to sense the lioness inside me roar. The eagle take flight. The owl of wisdom gently whispering advice. I’m starting to feel ready to play. Play fiercely and wisely, but most of all: play. A naked sense of freedom is coming over me.

I was looking at the photo from yesterday’s blog, the photo of the lion, and an array of thoughts entered my mind. You see, I get completely lost in that photo – it must be one of the most beautiful photos I’ve ever come across. I absolutely love it. I can literally just sit and stare at it. As I was looking at it, it occurred to me that maybe one of the things I am so drawn to is the almost human look on his face. As if I can see a person in there, or an animal with human characteristics. Other photos I looked at when searching for lions included the same and I thought that maybe what we look for in animals is proof that they too have emotions. That they too love. And when we see love, we love….and that’s the most magical state of being there is.

Secondly, and this thought really struck me, there are these majestic, magical animals and what do we do? We put them in cages and teach them tricks. In the wild they run like the wind, they perform incredible feats, they play, they display their majesty…and we put them in a cage and teach them 1+1=2 by pressing some buttons with their paws? God must be laughing.

Thirdly, I was thinking that what we do to lions is what we do to ourselves. We get a job in a cubicle somewhere, or we spend our lives coming up with “the next big thing” so we can get rich and successful and get a different cubicle – one made of glass and stainless steel. And maybe that’s life. Maybe if we couldn’t do that we would still be having to plough farmland in Siberia. I guess I just think one should be aware that we have made up society and where you want to keep your focus is up to you. You can devote your life to come up with the next great app, or you can raise your kids on a farm, picking strawberries and watching the stars at night…and maybe there you will be inspired to come up with an app for helping people find their heart’s desire, without you even having to try. Or maybe people already know. Naturally.

I love technology. I love that we hunger for knowledge and development and I am in awe of Apple and their apps. I love all that. I just think one should learn to question and think for oneself. Because I’m not really sure if guns, or bombs improved humanity, or if where people tell you to focus your energy is necessarily the best place to focus it.

I think if I can dance, make movies and theatre performances, work with people and live in a natural house say somewhere in the hills outside Cape Town, or LA, with my family…I think I would be happy. I don’t think a Mercedes, or a Hollywood contract would do that much for me. I’d love to spread my work if there’s an audience that would love to receive it…I’d love to have money so I can live without worries…but I get happy from staring at a black and white photo of a lion. I get happy typing my blogs. I don’t need to chase cubicles, I need to live my heart, but I used to feel really bad about it…because I used to think I was a failure because my heart rather go on an adventure, than stick with one job, follow the normal path and gain secure money and sure as hell that would have made me a lot more money…but I would never have seen the Hollywood Hills at sunset, whilst writing this blog. And words can’t describe how much I love that place and this blog. I thought chasing my dreams made me unhappy as it was so unsettling, but really what made me unhappy was thinking of what others thought of me for doing it. For being a gypsy, an artist, a hippie dreamer (who loves Louis Vuitton). And I was also very scared I’d never succeed and be forced to do work I hate for the rest of my life. But there are ways around everything if you just stop focusing on the traditional path and start making up your own.

I have a right. I am entitled to live as I choose. To explore what I love. Unlike those lions we have caged, I am free.

Who wants to play?

Red for passion, pain and priumph…

Very first time sex, first time biking, first time skating…they pretty much all end up with…blood. First time swimming…you sank like a stone, didn’t you? I don’t know about you but I have found with the years that many first time things, such as first time dates, first days at work and first time sex don’t always give the right impression. First impressions last…well, I’m not so sure.

Do you think you have good judgement? I think I have excellent judgement. In my 30 years I have, maybe once, liked someone from day one that I then ended up falling for. Once. Oftentimes I’ve wanted to punch them in the face for no reason. Then again, maybe I was right, because nothing lasted…but then the one I fell for immediately didn’t either. What I am trying to say is that first impressions are often like an apple: it can look shiny on the outside, but be rotten on the inside. Your intuition may be able to tell you so, or some small, small sign of warning, but it’s unlikely you pick up on it if you are excited, hungry, busy, stressed, tired, over joyed, or any other anything that disrupts an empty mind. Similarly, an apple with bit of a brown patch on the skin, can be utterly scrumptiously delicious.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: slow down. Empty your mind before you make decisions. And once you’ve made them, give it time. How long does it take to become an athlete? How long does it take to compose music like Mozart? How long did it take before you could bike, or swim? I remember learning to bike – I was black, blue and my knees were in a state of red mess, but it took me an evening and I was biking. In blissful joy. My bruises made me proud. Keeping it up, when I had fallen over so many times, made me proud. I took pride in putting in the effort to reach my desired result. Be smart – learn how to do things the easiest way (intuition and knowledge), but realize that to get up a hill…you gonna have to climb it…like you climb any good man, or woman.

I’m sure that you check your mobile apps, eat a sandwich and walk to work at the same time, whilst avoiding any traffic hazard you encounter…let’s face it: you are used to multi-tasking and living in what can only be called an ADD culture, but some things take time. And they deserve time. People set up companies, fall in love and enrol in difficult courses at uni thinking it will be a breeze. They hit one obstacle, or get one bad feeling and they are gone. It’s uncomfortable, so they leave. They don’t slow down, check what’s truly going on inside (i.e. what unconscious thoughts and feelings have gotten triggered – if you fail one thing and feel worthless, you may decide to stop at whatever you are doing to stop feeling worthless…but in reality you just failed a test, you aren’t worthless, that’s something you made up), empty their mind and let their intuition guide them. Nor do they realize that it may take a few attempts before the discomfort disappears and they are sailing full speed ahead.

Have you ever heard any of your friends (well, maybe men don’t talk like this, no clue, but women talk sex) say: “OMG I have been dating this guy for about three weeks now, I really like him, he totally turns me on in every way and then we had sex for the first time yesterday and it was appalling, so I can’t wait to do it again and again, until we become orgasmic sexperts!!! I’m so excited!” Or “We’ve been in a four year relationship, things are starting to slow down a bit, you know. Get a bit routine, boring. I’m soooo excited because this is just the wake up call I needed to add some spice both into my life AND the relationship.” Didn’t hear that? Me neither. Nor have I heard of many people going on a bad first date and being excited about giving it a second go. Especially not myself. I’m the one date queen. What’s more, I haven’t really heard of many people having first time sex, or going on a first date thinking they weren’t excited, anxious, or wanting to impress, but rather totally grounded and intuitive, living their greatness. In other words: they weren’t really in the best state of mind for making decisions…but they probably made one, or two (I’ll see you again/I’ll have sex with you again OR I won’t see you again/I won’t have sex with you again).

I’m sure we have all encountered situations where it’s pretty damn obvious that we will, under no circumstance date, or have sex with someone again, or whatever it is we did (some mistakes you truly only wanna make once and sometimes you do truly know with your heart you don’t want it again), all I’m saying is: slow down, take your time, explore and use your intuition to make your decisions. And remember that learning to swim takes time and learning to bike even gives you bruises. Just like that great sex you had the other day…  (Have you ever had that awkward moment when someone asked you what a very awkward positioned bruise was all about? Mmmm, awkwardly great, aren’t they?)

Red hot…