Category Archives: Joy

My love, the shadow that touches the flame…

Sometimes I hear you speak to me. Words echoing somewhere, just out of reach. Glimpses of light, fractured memories spin by like a carousel. I get that awkward feeling in the pit of my stomach, as if love sick. That longing, that sense of elevation…like flying and at the same time a melancholic sadness, like the unfulfilled lover. Waiting. Hoping. Praying that one day our roads will meet again.

I remember you as someone who used to fill me with fire. All my artistic dreams came to light. I would wander the streets, pen and poetry book in hand. Page after page would be filled with caffeine covered notes of beauty, mingled with my own inner pain. Everything was a little bit shattered. It was that pain I could never shake, the pain that made me fear my own pursuit. I had the fire. I had the desire. I just lacked the clarity, the knowledge, but I tried. I really went for it. That’s when I realized that beneath the fire was that pain, that insecurity and everything I did was tainted by it. The fire kind of got subdued. I censored myself. Artistic expression became about perfection, about following rules and guidelines. Sure enough some of those guidelines gave me so much – I created things I came to love, things I was truly proud of. I gained the knowledge. Yet I had let go of that sense of complete abandon. Of fully giving of myself. Like when I used to wander those streets.

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Sometimes a street light, or the sight of a perfectly yellow lemon will take me right back. I’m once more where I belong, walking those streets, poetry book in hand. Everything I see is filled with beauty – I search for beauty in everything; in smells, tastes, sounds…and life is blissful. I’m immersed in the art of life and my creative juices are overflowing. Everything I see adds another piece to the puzzle. Everything I hear brings me one step closer to completing a script, a poem, an artwork… Around me answers are swirling in the air like leaves in autumn. Everything is there to help me create my art, like a giant jigsaw puzzle I’m gathering one piece after another. One step closer to fulfilling the dream of completing another project.

I’m allowing myself to create again. Stains of red wine next to my laptop. Delirious words flying by. This blog is no longer just about sexy confessions, sexy life lessons with a twinkle in their eye…ever so often I take a break from those and I play. Words enchant me and I let them. The garlic bread and the wine…I’m suddenly eleven years younger and I’m walking the streets of Paris with a dream in my hand.

I still dream. The dancers at the Moulin Rouge are still as colorful as they were when I left Sweden all those years ago. When I dreamt of a bohemian revolution, of beauty, truth, freedom and love…when I took my backpack and left and ended up in Paris. The sunrise by the Seine, the artist studios in Montmartre…every part of the city touched me with her beauty, every part made me ache and wonder.

I can feel you again, your streets so filled with beauty. The streetlights that would fill the night with magic. How you inspired me! How every step I took felt like I was lost in an artwork, or in my own dream. And then as I kept pursuing my dreams everyone congratulated me on one school after another, one city after another. London, Los Angeles, Cape Town…but somewhere along I died. I started believing I’d never come to accomplish anything. That I would be stuck doing something other than what I trained in. The irony in following your dream to become an artist.

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A light flickers in the night. A wind caresses my ear. I can hear you speak to me. Soft words. A soft welcome back. Back to the core. To who I always was. Without the pain. Without the destruction.

I remember sitting in our first flat…I was writing on my laptop. The laptop suddenly died, although the battery was full. The lights were flickering. My flatmate was talking about writing erotica as a means of survival as a writer and I laughed. I was so filled with youthful enthusiasm. I told her our flat would be put on the map. A tourist destination. We would become famous. I believed in my dreams, but fame was a false dream, my heart was the true dream. I loved the artistic life. The feeling of living the dream, but as youthful fools do they pursue before they are ready, they start feeling ashamed for having listened to the ego as much as the heart and then they lose the fire as challenges extinguish the flames…just like my laptop died. Just as the lights flickered. A ghost? A story foretold?

I’m sitting by my laptop writing at night. The can can girls still dance. The creperies are all still there. Paris’ streets look the same. With my eyes I seek out the angles for the camera. My heart dreams the same dreams. Nothing’s changed, but everything is different. And from the wilderness in Africa you can hear a different roar…

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The silent orgasm…

How do you find the words when words evade you? We bury our treasures because they are so precious to us we fear others may steal them. If they are buried in the ground we can’t enjoy them ourselves either though. We have to learn to trust others with our treasures so that we can get to enjoy them openly and share the joy with others.

I’m scared right now. I’m scared because so many things are happening that I truly care about and I fear that if I speak about them maybe something happens and they will all just have been castles in the air and I’ll be left standing there with nothing. I don’t wanna talk, I wanna walk the talk. Yet not speaking about it isn’t what’s the thing to do – what to do is speaking about what’s happening without being attached to the outcome in a negative way. We all want our dream outcome, but we also have to know that life has its ways and the best we can do is to keep going for what we love, whilst also turning every present moment into a miracle.

First of all there are business and charity ventures that are starting to come together, whilst also working doing writing assignments for companies I enjoy writing for (that’s my day job). The first I’m scared of because you never know, the second because I feel like there’s always a deadline I’m running to catch up with and with life happening daily you never know what might throw you. With all this there’s time constraint and right now I’m working like crazy to try to downsize everything and make sure it all fits together. Believe it or not that’s a BIG job LOL.

Secondly, secondly there are the kids. As faithful readers know I work in a crèche in Hangberg, a township in Cape Town (that’s my passion project The Wandering Tales). It’s a crèche for kids whose parents can’t really afford to send them to a crèche, parents who are often abusive and/or substance misusers; some are in jail, some have died, others have HIV and so do some of the kids. Some of the kids suffer from malnutrition and drug and alcohol damages too.

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I was making the kids “trolldeg” – you mix flour, water, salt and oil to make playdough…and I got a bit carried away and delivered it in different shapes…

The crèche is nothing fancy – it’s three small sheds (of which one is a storage room) for 63 kids, no proper toilets, no kitchen, no electricity, only one tap, no sinks, not enough bowls and spoons for the kids so they have to take turns, not enough money for lunch but at least breakfast, not enough classrooms…you get the picture. And at first you wanna cry because it’s so little – you want to give the kids more love, more education, more food…more everything good. Spending two weeks there your perspective changes and you wanna cry because it’s so much love and care and attention to kids that come from nothing given by teachers who get almost no payment yet show up every day.

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So right now, apart from spending time with the kids and teaching drama, I’m helping put together a website, create a fundraising campaign for Little Angels and CARES, etc., which all ties into my own ventures and fuels my heart with love and passion. What’s more though, there are four kids that really spoke to my heart and one day I blurted this out to the principal and said I’d adopt them if I only could, the principal spoke to their parents (or relatives that step in to try and help them when parents don’t really do it) and it looks like I might end up being some kind of support for those four. Two twins – a boy and a girl, T & T, and two boys D & W.

Now this has thrown my world upside down. Apart from feeling like I’m finally living the life of my dreams doing what I love I suddenly have four little kids that might come to count on me. I don’t know how yet. I know that so long as we don’t have money for lunch at the crèche I have to bring lunch as theirs is sometimes lacking, I have to buy vitamins and twice a week or so I have to show up and take the kids somewhere to play. That’s all I have agreed to, all I can agree to and my heart is bursting with joy – I’m given a chance to give these kids something.

The principal is gonna meet with the parents again next week and talk about how they see this working and sort out things like “in the event of an accident.” I can’t guarantee someone won’t drive into my car. There are some legal aspects to this, even if it’s Hangberg and no one gives a damn. Then I’m gonna meet the parents. Then we will see. And that’s the practical bit, but then there’s the emotional bit.

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERAThe kids playing with the dough I gave them…

Maybe I will be a nanny of sorts, or an extra auntie, or a mentor…or a foster parent. Maybe I will spend more and more time with them, or maybe the parents will one day say no altogether. And there are other emotional aspects. I know one of them has HIV, two are beaten at home and all four are border line starving.

The principal is convinced I’m pretty much saving the life of these four and just “wait and see how they are going to blossom,” but truth is with the influence from home and friends anything could happen to those kids and after a while there might be the issue of them not wanting to go home, because home is not a nice place to be always and not to mention my feelings of sending them home. Then of course there’s the HIV positive one – I told the principal who is also feeding 120 kids in her spare time and being the whole community’s “go to” person for HIV care, plus of course running a crèche for 63 kids with no money – that she has to have a talk with his mom and ensure she makes sure he gets his meds, or I will. They cured the first kid in the States with HIV recently, the meds are getting better and life does not have to be compromised, but it’s still a stigma, it’s still dangerous if not looked after.

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERAThe principal a.k.a. the whole community’s pillar

I’ve also told the principal she has to be the go-between between the parents and I, and make sure no one shows up on my doorstep asking for money for drugs. That’s one money issue, but what happens in a few years time when I will want the kids to attend good schools? What happens if the parents decide to leave the kids on my doorstep? What happens if I don’t get a permanent visa? I’m gonna have to fly back and forth to Cape Town if I end up becoming close to the kids. I don’t know anything yet and that frightens me. I don’t even know if it all will work out and I will get to spend time with them yet and my heart is so attached to this outcome I wake up at 6am in the morning with a big grin on my face because somehow, miraculously, even without the money to adopt I have been given a chance to make a difference.

The thing is, I don’t know what I can do, but I will do what I can, if that makes sense? My heart is so full with happiness, joy and love it feels like it’s about to burst. This was always my dream. Living in Africa, helping kids, teaching, making movies, writing stories, dabbling with food and herbs…and it’s all slowly but surely coming together. But by Lord I need a visa and I need to make money from what I love rather than on top of that writing for people.

On Wednesday I was at the crèche briefly and for most of that time I was carrying around little D as he won’t let me out of sight when I’m there. Then I spent some time trying to comfort another little boy who got his thumb squeezed and for that matter whose father is in jail for murder. I also managed to lift up T & T and every other kid who wanted a hug and little Mr T was showing me he could dance like Michael Jackson. It’s perfect – we will just dance all the time! Little W was home sick – he suffers malnutrition and easily catches bugs.

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KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERAThe only pot we have for food, how food is served and how we wash our hands – there are no sinks, so it’s one bucket for all. We dream of a bathroom with a bathtub so we can clean the kids and brush their teeth. Many have rotting teeth. The step after that is getting a washing machine as many don’t have clean clothes, or no clothes so we also want a uniform for the kids, but first we need blankets, electricity and radiators for winter.

Yesterday was the first day I brought in vitamins. Only T & T were there as it was the start of the Easter Holiday. For them it was like Christmas morning – Miss T did not chew them up for fifteen minutes, she was too busy showing me she had them in her mouth and showing anyone else who cared. Mr T was showing me he would grow strong because of them. And as I was sitting waiting for the other teacher to get the last kids out of the loo (those portable loos you rent) and into the classroom to sleep and another teacher had just silenced them and gotten them to lie down, Mr T opened his eyes and asked if I will still be there later, as if frightened that when he wakes up I’m gone. I told him next week and he nodded, looking very wise. Then he broke the rules and ran up to ask for more vitamins.

Little Miss T on the other hand, after another teacher came in and silenced everyone once more, broke the rules to run up to place a big kiss on my cheek and tell me she loved me “so much.” Then chaos ensued as about five other girls tried to follow suite.

The principal told me that last year the kids got a present from some vitamin booster company and the next day someone’s relative came in to say the kids haven’t slept all night. Why? They were so excited they had been given a gift and couldn’t sleep because they were scared someone would take it away from them. So now the principal makes sure to host a party by the end of each month to celebrate everyone whose birthday it has been that month.

Maybe I’m crazy for agreeing to help those kids as much as I can, but it’s been the happiest moments of my life getting to do this. This was my dream growing up. All I wanted was my Dr Quinn – Angelina Jolie life. My Colorado Springs became Hangberg.

I’m scared people will look down on me for what I’m doing because I’m not a millionaire – I’m giving them lunch and a few hours of my time for now. The reason I feel confident doing it still is because life here is different. You have to understand that the crèche has 63 kids not because it wouldn’t run better if there were only 30, but because if they left the other 33 out, they’d be roaming the streets with no one raising them and not even getting their daily porridge and fruit. The little you can do for every child counts. You have to try to educate them. That’s what will make a difference. It’s not about providing label clothes, or trips to Spain. It’s about a bowl of rice, a hug and teaching values that will hopefully inspire them to turn Hangberg into a beautiful town and prevent them from going down the path of drugs, theft, prostitution and HIV.

Together with improving the crèche and setting up more educational centres and structures for youth in Hangberg I hope that we can create a sustainable future for some of the kids out there. You can’t think you are going to save them all, not even the kids you get to look after, but you can put as many structures in place as possible to ensure that the moral support, love and basic means are met to give the kids a chance. Together with CARES, Little Angels, The Wandering Tales and Naughty Magique I hope to instill change. I hope to do something. Just as I hope that a couple of hours a week of my time and some food will give something to my four little ones. It’s a hope. It’s not a given, but if you pray and move your butt sometimes you create miracles. Those four are a miracle in my life. I’m not blind – this is gonna be the ride of a lifetime, but it’s the ride I asked for, dreamed of and pray will be infused with as much love and happiness as possible. Or to explain it differently: many people tell me my work must be hard and depressing. I find it life affirming and joyous. Sure I know the kids have a hard time at home, but I see the joy in their eyes every day. I get run down with hugs and I love yous and I missed you every day. I see opportunity. Chance. Possibility. I see kids that are great, not wounded. It amazes me how these kids function so well. It astounds me. And it gives me hope that together we can make a difference.

This is not poetry; it’s the poetry of my life and it’s precious. Very precious.

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERAIf these kids inspire you as much as they do me, feel free to get in touch, even if just to talk. If you want to find out more, or help us spread the word on social media once we start our business and fundraising initiatives, we’d love to hear from you. Or if you want to donate an old camera, laptop, blankets, toys, another pot for food, or an hour a month to come down and teach them whatever you can…you name it. Our page is The Wandering Tales and there you can send us message!

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Filed under Africa, Blogging, Cape Town, children, Courage, Creating, Creativity, Heart, Inspiration, Joy, Life, Passion, Personal Development, Stories, Story

Hands down your pants…

Want some hands in your pants ladies and gents? Well it’s NYE, time to get naughty…

Seriously speaking it is time to get naughty – it’s time for new year’s resolutions – whether the ones you intend to keep, or break. Personally I aim for no fear. That means I will probably break my vow at least ten times a day when I chicken out on things, but it also means that I will watch my thoughts and see when something comes in to stop me from what I would love. Because it’s all about what we would love by the end of the day (I mean really – your resolutions are to do what you love, or create what you love, or be whom you love being) and if you aren’t doing it, chances are you have some fear around it. Fear you might not even realize you have – most of the stuff controlling our behavior isn’t conscious until you stop and really think about what you are thinking about…

I don’t think it’s about curing fear either, I think it’s about hanging with the tension and instead of avoiding something, or forcing yourself to do it pretending to be cool, being vulnerable to your own fear and doing it without forcing. Can’t really explain it, but if you force you usually put something on top. Ever tried “impressing” instead of just sharing of yourself, of your heart and what you are good at? Or even if it’s your first ever dance class and you aren’t good at, just relaxing and having fun? Living your heart in other words. I’m making a movie about this next year…a dance movie. Now that’s a dream come true.

So what would I love? I would love to live my dreams, that’s what I would love. And I would love to share those dreams with those I love. I don’t want to blog about all of them right now…I really just feel like sitting down and sharing them with those I love, but man, family, writing and making movies would probably sum them up. Oh and creating a life in Cape Town…I’m still new in town so it will take a while, but buying a car next week will make things a lot easier.

Feel free to share your resolutions with me…the world…your loved ones, or just your own heart! Happy New Year folks – may it bring you the life your heart truly dreams of and lots of love in every area of your life!!! Go create magic!!! Cheers!!!

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If your thoughts wander and your hands don’t follow, are you living your dreams???

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Would you like to get naked my dear???

Would you like to get naked? You see, I have developed this new concept of nakedness. All you have to do is strip your clothes off and your life is transformed. Forever. Just ask that guy who saw that girl naked and life was never the same again…suddenly he was having SEX all the time…

I don’t know how many times I’ve read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Many times. There is this idea put forward if you so like, saying that we are scared of going after our dreams because we do not know if they will be all we’ve imagined. So sometimes our dream is right in front of us and we do not touch it. Because we want to keep the dream.

Other times I find the dream is all around us, but we still somehow manage to avoid it, because we do not give of ourselves to it. We don’t pour all our love and hard work into something, because we are scared we will fail. We leave a little bit of room for failure, a little room to say we didn’t do our best anyway, so if it fails, well it wasn’t because we were incapable it was because of time, or money, or whatever else.

There are yet other times when we are living the dream without really living it at all – we really fucking go for it, but our heart is closed, because we are afraid if we open it and we do not get the end result we dream of, then we will break our own heart. We don’t trust. It’s kind of like living in a glass cube where you do everything, but don’t truly feel it. It’s like banging someone without stopping to feel…it’s being aloof to our own senses, scared that if we invest them we may feel pain.

Another version of not trusting is “keeping our options open” – we invest some time and energy, we think we are truly exploring something, but we don’t surrender to the moment, we always keep a little bit of focus somewhere else. And when things don’t work out we think we were really clever for not surrendering… It’s like putting your toes in the water, thinking you swam and then wondering why you didn’t get anywhere, or felt the beauty of the ocean all around you. Yeah, I wonder why?

The ego is a tricky bitch. It will lure us away from what we love in so many different ways and we won’t even notice it unless we open our heart so that we can truly feel what resonates with us. I always compare it to having sex versus making love. How often do we slow down and feel, totally feel another person’s energy and truly explore their taste, smell and touch? I mean there are a great deal of sensations going on during sex, totally overwhelming, just like life unless you slow down and allow yourself to open your heart to it. Feel it. Explore it. Taste it. Lovingly play with it.

To fully explore you have to be fully open and surrender. To do so you have to fully trust. Trust yourself. Trust your own heart.

I find it a challenge to live my heart fully every day without hold backs. To give without analyzing. To surrender to every moment. To be fully present with those I love. To be fully present with strangers, whether I like them, or not. I have chased my dreams all over the world without ever surrendering and actually living the dream. I still have nightmares about trying to find my home in the Hollywood Hills. It’s the only place I have felt at home you see, but as I started having those dreams and wondering whether it is right to be here and blah, blah…I stopped living. Instead of focusing on my life I started thinking about what everyone else is doing and what the right choice is…my heart chose Cape Town. I want to surrender to the city to truly explore it. My heart sings for this place and my work here, yet it’s so easy to get sidetracked by obstacles…as soon as you have a fight with your boyfriend there’s an obstacle. Potential pain. And if you always run to a new guy…when will you ever discover love?

I’m scared. I’m scared of not meeting enough people and making enough friends. I’m scared of spending Christmas and New Year’s by myself. I’m scared of my economical situation, although that’s looking up. I’m scared of running into danger. I’m scared of failing with what I love most – the projects in Cape Town working in the townships and with film. I’m scared of never finding/recognizing/finding but not being loved by my soulmate (due to ego blockages). I’m fucking petrified already. But I like this town. I have a funny feeling I will come to love it.

I don’t have a return ticket. I think somewhere, that’s where my mind needs to be also. To relax into the city. To feel it. To explore it. To make love to it. To surrender and open my heart to it. That’s my dream. To live life like that. Naked. To live that presently with an open heart, receiving and giving love freely. And it would be nice to be with a man who did the same.

That’s my proposal for a naked lifestyle. I think I will need to sell the concept: better results in life than with Tony Robbins…quick, only $0.99 for one blog that will change your life! The bottom line? Get undressed!!!

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Definitively time to get naked…whoop, whoop!

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The naughty devil and a big cock…

Ever been awakened by a cock? In LA my landlord decided to get some roosters and by lord they used to voice their opinions at 4am. And then there are other kinds of cocks that awaken you…

I woke up this morning with a start thinking “OMG I have trust issues.” Totally the wrong kind of cockadoodledoo. Immediately my brain went into thinking THAT’S WRONG! You aren’t supposed to wake up thinking that. So I went into super strategy mode, thinking about all the things I could do to control situations I may get into where my trust beliefs are triggered. I had a lovely party where I met Mrs Confused, Mr Logical, Miss I’m Stronger Than Anything And Fine No Matter Fucking What, Prof. You Will Never Work This Out, Lieutenant I Keep My Heart Closed For Protection, Chief Perfectionist and Dr I Will Sort My Thoughts Out. After this little party I was left thinking I needed wine to calm my aching head. Thank goodness they have plenty of vineyards in South Africa…

It wasn’t a pleasant wake-up call. For me trust issues is part of a larger complex of thoughts and feelings, grounded in the belief that I’m unloveable, or not good enough, so by the end of the day everyone will let me down and hence, can’t be trusted. I don’t literally walk around thinking that though, but if there are events that trigger these beliefs, I may feel a tad uneasy, or uncomfortable. It takes that I stop and slow down to realize WHY I am feeling that way.

If I don’t notice these thoughts and feelings being triggered I have two ways of dealing with it: I either go aloof to protect myself from what I believe to be causing pain (people not loving me), or I spring into perfectionist mode to prove why I am worthy to be loved.  Sometimes I don’t notice myself doing this either. I can be at a party acting out all my perfectionism and talking to a gazillion people (going aloof can simply mean distancing yourself by closing your heart), supposedly having a great time and only noticing a tiny sense of discomfort somewhere. I am not unhappy, or miserably, but a tiny warning bell is still sounding because I’m living my identity (reinforcing my beliefs by acting in ways that will prove them true – if you try to be perfect you will feel imperfect and by closing your heart, however little, you will feel separate and hence unloved by people), instead of my heart.

If I notice the warning bell I can stop, listen to my thoughts that are running as an undercurrent, dictating my choices, and choose to stop following the current. I can switch off the autopilot and choose to live in an open space of love. I don’t care if the thoughts tell me this is dangerous. Your most powerful state is a state of love. The devil inside your head (your ego/identity) will tell you differently, but as soon as you become aware of its voice you also realize you are aware of something else. And if you listen more carefully, you will hear that the voice of your heart is much more powerful, even if you have never used the strength of your heart, because your focus has been on your ego.

So ladies and gents, this simply means that you don’t win a man over by soothing his ego and speaking to his cock. It means you open your heart and find a man with an open heart who speaks with your heart. Then you don’t have to have trust issues, as hearts don’t lie, cheat, steal, or do anything else unsuitable. And still, they can be deliciously naughty…dirty love baby, the focus is on the loving dirt.

 

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Strip off…a naked sense of play with the lions and lionesses…

I’m starting to feel quite naked these days…and I’m also starting to sense the lioness inside me roar. The eagle take flight. The owl of wisdom gently whispering advice. I’m starting to feel ready to play. Play fiercely and wisely, but most of all: play. A naked sense of freedom is coming over me.

I was looking at the photo from yesterday’s blog, the photo of the lion, and an array of thoughts entered my mind. You see, I get completely lost in that photo – it must be one of the most beautiful photos I’ve ever come across. I absolutely love it. I can literally just sit and stare at it. As I was looking at it, it occurred to me that maybe one of the things I am so drawn to is the almost human look on his face. As if I can see a person in there, or an animal with human characteristics. Other photos I looked at when searching for lions included the same and I thought that maybe what we look for in animals is proof that they too have emotions. That they too love. And when we see love, we love….and that’s the most magical state of being there is.

Secondly, and this thought really struck me, there are these majestic, magical animals and what do we do? We put them in cages and teach them tricks. In the wild they run like the wind, they perform incredible feats, they play, they display their majesty…and we put them in a cage and teach them 1+1=2 by pressing some buttons with their paws? God must be laughing.

Thirdly, I was thinking that what we do to lions is what we do to ourselves. We get a job in a cubicle somewhere, or we spend our lives coming up with “the next big thing” so we can get rich and successful and get a different cubicle – one made of glass and stainless steel. And maybe that’s life. Maybe if we couldn’t do that we would still be having to plough farmland in Siberia. I guess I just think one should be aware that we have made up society and where you want to keep your focus is up to you. You can devote your life to come up with the next great app, or you can raise your kids on a farm, picking strawberries and watching the stars at night…and maybe there you will be inspired to come up with an app for helping people find their heart’s desire, without you even having to try. Or maybe people already know. Naturally.

I love technology. I love that we hunger for knowledge and development and I am in awe of Apple and their apps. I love all that. I just think one should learn to question and think for oneself. Because I’m not really sure if guns, or bombs improved humanity, or if where people tell you to focus your energy is necessarily the best place to focus it.

I think if I can dance, make movies and theatre performances, work with people and live in a natural house say somewhere in the hills outside Cape Town, or LA, with my family…I think I would be happy. I don’t think a Mercedes, or a Hollywood contract would do that much for me. I’d love to spread my work if there’s an audience that would love to receive it…I’d love to have money so I can live without worries…but I get happy from staring at a black and white photo of a lion. I get happy typing my blogs. I don’t need to chase cubicles, I need to live my heart, but I used to feel really bad about it…because I used to think I was a failure because my heart rather go on an adventure, than stick with one job, follow the normal path and gain secure money and sure as hell that would have made me a lot more money…but I would never have seen the Hollywood Hills at sunset, whilst writing this blog. And words can’t describe how much I love that place and this blog. I thought chasing my dreams made me unhappy as it was so unsettling, but really what made me unhappy was thinking of what others thought of me for doing it. For being a gypsy, an artist, a hippie dreamer (who loves Louis Vuitton). And I was also very scared I’d never succeed and be forced to do work I hate for the rest of my life. But there are ways around everything if you just stop focusing on the traditional path and start making up your own.

I have a right. I am entitled to live as I choose. To explore what I love. Unlike those lions we have caged, I am free.

Who wants to play?

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Red for passion, pain and priumph…

Very first time sex, first time biking, first time skating…they pretty much all end up with…blood. First time swimming…you sank like a stone, didn’t you? I don’t know about you but I have found with the years that many first time things, such as first time dates, first days at work and first time sex don’t always give the right impression. First impressions last…well, I’m not so sure.

Do you think you have good judgement? I think I have excellent judgement. In my 30 years I have, maybe once, liked someone from day one that I then ended up falling for. Once. Oftentimes I’ve wanted to punch them in the face for no reason. Then again, maybe I was right, because nothing lasted…but then the one I fell for immediately didn’t either. What I am trying to say is that first impressions are often like an apple: it can look shiny on the outside, but be rotten on the inside. Your intuition may be able to tell you so, or some small, small sign of warning, but it’s unlikely you pick up on it if you are excited, hungry, busy, stressed, tired, over joyed, or any other anything that disrupts an empty mind. Similarly, an apple with bit of a brown patch on the skin, can be utterly scrumptiously delicious.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: slow down. Empty your mind before you make decisions. And once you’ve made them, give it time. How long does it take to become an athlete? How long does it take to compose music like Mozart? How long did it take before you could bike, or swim? I remember learning to bike – I was black, blue and my knees were in a state of red mess, but it took me an evening and I was biking. In blissful joy. My bruises made me proud. Keeping it up, when I had fallen over so many times, made me proud. I took pride in putting in the effort to reach my desired result. Be smart – learn how to do things the easiest way (intuition and knowledge), but realize that to get up a hill…you gonna have to climb it…like you climb any good man, or woman.

I’m sure that you check your mobile apps, eat a sandwich and walk to work at the same time, whilst avoiding any traffic hazard you encounter…let’s face it: you are used to multi-tasking and living in what can only be called an ADD culture, but some things take time. And they deserve time. People set up companies, fall in love and enrol in difficult courses at uni thinking it will be a breeze. They hit one obstacle, or get one bad feeling and they are gone. It’s uncomfortable, so they leave. They don’t slow down, check what’s truly going on inside (i.e. what unconscious thoughts and feelings have gotten triggered – if you fail one thing and feel worthless, you may decide to stop at whatever you are doing to stop feeling worthless…but in reality you just failed a test, you aren’t worthless, that’s something you made up), empty their mind and let their intuition guide them. Nor do they realize that it may take a few attempts before the discomfort disappears and they are sailing full speed ahead.

Have you ever heard any of your friends (well, maybe men don’t talk like this, no clue, but women talk sex) say: “OMG I have been dating this guy for about three weeks now, I really like him, he totally turns me on in every way and then we had sex for the first time yesterday and it was appalling, so I can’t wait to do it again and again, until we become orgasmic sexperts!!! I’m so excited!” Or “We’ve been in a four year relationship, things are starting to slow down a bit, you know. Get a bit routine, boring. I’m soooo excited because this is just the wake up call I needed to add some spice both into my life AND the relationship.” Didn’t hear that? Me neither. Nor have I heard of many people going on a bad first date and being excited about giving it a second go. Especially not myself. I’m the one date queen. What’s more, I haven’t really heard of many people having first time sex, or going on a first date thinking they weren’t excited, anxious, or wanting to impress, but rather totally grounded and intuitive, living their greatness. In other words: they weren’t really in the best state of mind for making decisions…but they probably made one, or two (I’ll see you again/I’ll have sex with you again OR I won’t see you again/I won’t have sex with you again).

I’m sure we have all encountered situations where it’s pretty damn obvious that we will, under no circumstance date, or have sex with someone again, or whatever it is we did (some mistakes you truly only wanna make once and sometimes you do truly know with your heart you don’t want it again), all I’m saying is: slow down, take your time, explore and use your intuition to make your decisions. And remember that learning to swim takes time and learning to bike even gives you bruises. Just like that great sex you had the other day…  (Have you ever had that awkward moment when someone asked you what a very awkward positioned bruise was all about? Mmmm, awkwardly great, aren’t they?)

Red hot…

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Boobies and booty…it’s boot-y-ful…

I walked by someone who was on the phone today and had a bit of a start when I heard him say: “I’ve seen your tits.” It took me some time to grasp that what he in fact said was “I’ll send you a text.” I could blame it on a thick Australian accent, but yeah…welcome to the world of blondie with her head in sexy headlines, as opposed to in the clouds…although it’s probably up there too. I’m dreamer and all that…always coming up with stories, products and spectacles in my mind…

So that’s my world. A world of hearing things wrong, walking into things whilst looking at other things (men), doing one thing and forgetting another (dizzy)…my world is mine and it has pros and cons…some things I can change, some things I want to change, others are absolutely brilliant, perfect and amazing. What I absolutely love about me is…my humor (hey, at least I’m laughing!!!), my heart (so yeah, it gets me in trouble all the time, but I kind of like that because it proves I’ve got one), my honesty and straight forwardness – ask me a question and I will answer, my booty – it can dance and it is squeeze friendly, my love of performance, writing, creating…maybe that’s part of my heart, but I love that because there are so many things I love. I also love my intuition and connection with nature. Call me a witch (I’ll be quite proud if you do…), but I think there’s a lot to be said for staying in harmony with your body and the Earth.  And I love that I’m alive. That I’m here having a chance to experience this.

So my question to you is simply this: what do you love about your world? About being you? (Feel free to tell me what you love about me too…I mean, whilst you’re at it. I’m not against compliments. Or chocolate.)

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A love story…

I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for this. Chapter two of my love story. I wrote the first chapter two years ago and I have, erm, been thinking about writing the next one for two years. I just never found the time and the inspiration at the same time (I made an attempt once that didn’t turn out too well, bloody awful if I remember it right). I find it truly marvellous how a story can live in your mind for two years. I can’t really believe it was two years ago though, but it was. It was around Easter and there were flowers in the Canyon, I was doing yoga there in the mornings…my darling LA…well, this story is from my heart, not from the city…but then, that city too, is in my heart…

The Journey, Chapter II

He played her like a violin. Soft, penetrating notes echoing in the first light of morning. Like dew they were crystal clear, the notes, as they flew through the skies, the echo softly fading into eternity. She could feel him. As he moved something moved within her.

He wasn’t there. He was away in travels. He hadn’t been there since they met. That first whirlwind couple of weeks when they got to know each other. He had already known her, as she had known him, as souls know each other, recognize each other, but they had to get to know each other on a day-to-day basis. He found out what hours during the morning she ground her spices. She found out what hours of day he spent rehearsing tricks for his shows. He watched her as she came up with recipes, baked…tasted new tastes as she created them. She watched him as he learnt to make something disappear only to reappear unexpectedly, or six juggling balls fly in endless patterns across the skies.

It was funny she thought, how she felt she knew him, without knowing a single thing about him. He kept surprising her with the small things he did. Whether he suddenly showed up with the perfect present at the most unexpected hour, or told a funny story to a stranger, there was always this element of surprise – of making things appear out of thin air (which he was very good at quite literally). Still, even if he told someone a story she had never heard before, or suddenly showed up with all the neighbors for a spur of the moment picnic, which no one in the town had thought to do for the last 100 years or so, she was certain that she knew him. Her soul knew his soul, as his soul knew hers. Whether they recognized each other because of centuries past, or because they were made of the same stuff…she didn’t know. It was as if their essence was the same, or completely complimentary. Yet, there was nothing complimentary about him loving coriander and she loving mint, him traveling and she having a bakery, him staying out late to perform and she waking early to bake, but it felt right. As if they shouldn’t be copies of each other. As if they were different, yet the same. Complimentary, she thought. They fit without having to fit.

It was a splendid dawn today, just as the day three months ago when he had entered her little cafe well before the rest of the town had stirred. When the air was still fresh and clean – desires, agonies, pains, hopes and passions, still sleeping. It was the purest hour of the day. It felt much the same as the tones of the violin – clear cutting and raw, beautiful and light, yet forceful and demanding.

He had entered at dawn. It was his colours, his aura, the feel of him…a man who was wide awake, making things happen. A man who preferred to rise whilst the rest of the world was still sleeping. Yet, he was a man of the night; an entertainer. As everyone know – people like to be entertained at night, when they have time for such indulgent pleasures and their minds let lose and their hearts play. He could sneak in the shadows and appear in the light, he was filled with contradictions like that.

As any good entertainer, he could make anyone feel at ease instantly. People were drawn to him and she imagined the women in his life must have been plenty, yet he was a loner. He was always there, present in the moment with people, open, warm…still she could see he didn’t feel connected to everyone. He was present to them, they touched him inside, as he touched them, but he wasn’t connected to them on every level. As if they were different from him. Few people could get to the core that she had imagined she had touched.

His exterior was so light, always jesting, but underneath was something else. He could spend hours thinking up a story, coming up with the deeper meaning, the sublime messages….then hiding them in word plays, tricks and jokes. He appeared light, but he had a depth she’d rarely seen before. He was a man who knew the truth and conveyed it in jest. He saw far beyond what eyes can see. He saw into people’s hearts and minds and slightly altered them during his performances. A true jester, an alchemist at heart. She knew that was the path of jesters in ancient history. Apparently some lived on.

It was hard to pin him down. Just as he could see through the facades of most men, straight into their hearts, it was hard to see straight into his. From all the people he had met he seemed to have picked something up…it was as if he was everyone, yet, he was so distinctively himself. And when he let go, when he wasn’t entertaining, or analyzing, when he was just him, without doing anything, he was beautiful.

She remembered one day….the sun just starting to move from the very top of the skies towards the horizon, his voice – that soft, deep melodic tone – floating effortlessly into the air around him, a smile covering his face. A small group of people had gathered around him, like colorful dots, as he stood on his red mat.

Given his audience that day was filled with children, he told them a fairy tale. The woman smiled, as she remembered the story – it had been about an Easter egg hunt.

He had told the children that in one town, a small town much like their own, only instead of always basking in sunlight, it was placed on the mist swept hillsides in what appeared to be a magical place, the tradition was that every year on Easter Sunday the adults would go out early in the morning to hide beautiful eggs for the children who turned ten that year. The eggs were large, made out of wood and beautifully painted in bright colors, gold and silver. Intricate patterns, sometimes even images making up stories, covered the eggs. They said the tradition was as old as the town itself and in fact you could buy these eggs all year round to bring with you back to your own town. The eggs were very expensive, the accomplishment of a long tradition of craftmanship. For the children though, the eggs were free and filled with wonderful toys and fantastical sweets and every child longed to turn ten, just so they could be the ones participating in the Easter egg hunt that year.

According to tales from the town it was said that if someone really needed something the spirit of Oestre, of dawn and new beginnings, would bring it as a gift and hide it within the egg. Most people didn’t believe in this tale though, as it was old and filled with superstition, but as tales go it was still told over and over again. It was as much part of the town as the cobblestones themselves.

One year during the traditional Easter egg hunt, a girl found an egg that was much smaller and uglier than all the other eggs and when she opened it inside was a small bag of seeds, a needle and one piece of chocolate. Nothing like the endless amount of sweets, toy trains, games and other beautiful toys the other children found.

The girl who had found the ugly egg felt very disappointed at first. This was something she had been looking forward to for years and something her friends had talked about for weeks now. Even the adults looked at her funnily as everyone swore that the egg hadn’t been placed by them and there was another egg, one like the ones the other kids had, that had gone missing. They believed someone was playing a trick on them, but they thought it must be a stranger as everyone in town at the time got along really well. As there was no other egg – every egg in town had been sold before Easter – the little girl had to make do with the one she found.

As all the other boys and girls were gathering around to show each other their eggs and eat their sweets the little girl felt angry, thinking it unfair she couldn’t do the same. The other children offered her sweets but it didn’t feel as nice eating them when she couldn’t offer any in return, or swap around for favorites, like the others did. Nor could she play with her new toys, as she didn’t have any. After sulking for a while, she gave up, simply because it was too boring to sit and be miserable and decided to go home. After all she thought, maybe there was something special with her egg? Maybe it was a magical somehow? She would have a closer look at it when she got home.

Once at home she opened the egg again and sat steering at the contents for a while, waiting for something to happen – magic is supposed to make things fly, or play music out of nothing, isn’t it? Nothing did happen though, so she decided to put the contents of the egg to use – there wasn’t much else she could do. She took the seeds and planted them in their garden and once she was done she sat down and had the piece of chocolate she had been given. The chocolate was truly delicious and as it was the only piece she got, she took her time and ate it very slowly, enjoying every bite. She thought the other children probably didn’t enjoy their sweets as much, because they ate so many in one go. When she got sweets in the future, she would take her time to enjoy each one. Once she had finished her chocolate she hurried inside to try the last thing in the egg – the needle. As she sat down with a piece of fabric, needle and thread in hand she immediately managed to prick herself with the needle. Not a great start to an enjoyable gift she thought, but she realized she didn’t actually know how to saw very well, so she took the needle and walked over to her neighbor, who happened to be a seamstress.

As it turned out the little girl really enjoyed sewing once she got the hang of it. It took hard work and a lot of patience, but as she started enjoying what she was doing she learnt fast and soon she was making dresses for her dolls and shortly thereafter clothes for both herself and her family.

That summer her father got very ill for a couple of months and as the family didn’t have much money the girl made some extra money from her sewing and was delighted to find that she now had a garden filled with vegetables they could eat. Later in life she became a very accomplished seamstress and made dresses that created happiness for all that wore them. So the little girl who got the smallest egg, after all got the largest treasure. And she learnt that things that are valuable continue to generate joy for years and magic truly is a gift you have to make happen yourself.

After ending the tale the jester magically pulled out an egg from various places to each one of the children, each egg containing her homemade sweets and a gift that could be used for many years to come, something that needed to be used to create something else. That way, he explained later, they would carry the magic with them. She had asked him how he knew what gift to give to each child, whether a set of paints, or a mini-carpenting kit. He had smiled when she asked him this. “I know a little bit,” he said, “but I do not know everything. I was hoping chance would play it to my favor. I prayed each gift I chose would be the right one, using my intuition if you so like, but life after all will happen as it chooses and we all have to deal with what comes. Sometimes a gift today can seem worthless, that in years to come becomes precious. Just as in the story I told.”

He smiled again as his mind seemed to wander. “My granddad had a flute, which he had never played for more than an hour in total his entire life. It had been a gift to him from his father in law, who, as an established musician, hoped that his new son would learn to play and carry the traditions of the family forward. As it were grandpa never really got used to producing his own music – he preferred listening to others, like his beautiful wife, whom used to sing to him. So the flute gathered dust in a corner of their house, until some 35 years later I found it and learned to play. Much thanks to grandma. To this day, that’s the flute I play. It’s made of some incredibly hard wood and seems to never wear out. Magical, really. It’s my favorite toy, my most precious belonging. Apart from you, of course.” He laughed and winked at her. “I don’t belong to you,” she objected. She could never get used to people talking about each other as belongings. She was a free spirit, not jailed to anyone, or anything. “No, but you are part of me. Sort of the same, don’t you think?”

She didn’t, but she knew what he meant. It was what she had been trying to explain to herself for the last couple of days as she felt him much stronger than before. As if the notes of his flute were playing within her, opening her to the sudden feeling that he was present in the room. She wondered if she was insane as at the same time as she knew she wasn’t. It was the same as she feeling exactly what someone needed to eat to alter their state of mind. It was knowing something that travelled through you, without you knowing exactly how, or why. It was a feeling, an impression – something as tangible as it was inexplicable.

She thought about the flute. Notes, playing her, caressing her…maybe life is like that she thought? Like a million melodies playing at the same time, some harmonizing with each other. Those where the people you felt you belonged to, were part of. Maybe the whole universe was made up of sounds, of notes echoing out into eternity, never really disappearing, just reappearing in another melody. And when you met melodies you harmonized with, you felt stronger, as two voices sing louder than one. You felt at home, understood – as if the spices finally matched up, creating the perfect harmony, the perfect cake. And maybe, just maybe, you heard the melody before it entered? You were drawn, as if by magic, to the people and the places that would harmonize with you?

She felt a wind swirling in from underneath the doors and the spices twirled up into her face. His spices. She looked up in wonder.

The doors opened. “Hi,” he said.

Some melodies enter our life for a little while. They belong to one verse. Others stay forever as they are part of our refrain, if not every verse. They suit a part of us, as we suit a part of them. We play together, sing together to find strength. Together we move mountains. Others are part of our entire melody, whether they play near you, or far away. As their notes echo out into eternity, they touch you, caress you, alert you, warn you, love you…they are always there for you. Their music grows stronger when they are closer in their minds and hearts, but the music never stops. As one, you will always play together, whether you know it or not. You are in this life together. Without each other you wouldn’t be. Yet, you may never meet each other. Your hands may never touch, your smiles never be recognized, but should you, you will know. On some level or another you will always hear the music.

THE END (…of Chapter II…)

To the notes I play with, the winds I fly with. You are me, my life and every verse of it.

Magic…

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When the wind is blowing in the opposite direction…

Nothing’s ever perfect. I keep being reminded of the part in The Alchemist where the boy arrives in Africa and loses his money on the first night. He’s on a quest to get to Egypt and he has just lost all his savings, he can’t even return to Spain. He realizes he has a choice – he can either see it as a complete failure, or as the beginning of an even more daring adventure than he could ever have dreamed of. The boy chooses to see it as an adventure. He then proceeds to get a job polishing glass and he helps the shop owner by introducing serving tea to the customers. He spends years polishing glass. I’m sure it wasn’t easy, but we all have a choice: greet the sun with a smile in the morning, or proceed to look at the sun with envy as we ourselves hide in the shadows.

You can shift your mind about almost anything and you can choose to accept that your adventure is now. That doesn’t stop some things from being difficult to the point where you’re almost completely depleted. The point is, if you keep looking to the sun as part of you, sooner, rather than later, it will return.

Last fall was not a happy time for me. I had left what I felt were some of the most joyous, secure parts of my life – my two best friends, the city I loved and the first home I’d ever had that felt like a home – our gorgeous chalet in the Hollywood Hills. I no longer fell asleep watching the stars and the twinkling lights of Los Angeles. I no longer drove to Malibu in the weekends to jump through the waves. The sun that I so adored, seemed far, far away. There was one point when I was struggling at work (and given I work for my business partner, who is also the investor for my dream company, that was not easy), I had a rash from the cold and felt about as sexy as a burnt toast (I’m not made for winter, pointe blanc), I had found out some friends were potentially ill (and I don’t mean with the flu), I had absolutely no desire to date anyone, my social life was a mess as I was still new in town, my back was as my back is – aching and causing headaches, I felt drained, tired…I lost weight (not for lack of eating, but because my body was just drained), I looked like hell. I knew though, I knew that in LA I had been on top of my game, so there was a place inside where everything was well. It was just a matter of transforming that to the outside.

It took all my strength to turn things around, because let’s face it: when shit hits the fan it’s not like your energy levels are on top and you are ready to play the game of your life, but that’s exactly when you have to play the game of your life. That’s part of the adventure; the trials of the hero.

For me the most difficult part was probably worrying about a friend, but what completely drained me was work, because every day I’d make a new mistake, fret about my future and be completely exhausted by the end of it. It’s easy to say let go of your worries, but when nothing seems to be going your way and you feel like each day you get a new bucket of ice water thrown in your face and you’re not sure how to reach any of your goals, it doesn’t come across as all that easy. I was lucky. I had a fucking strong spiritual core that I kept returning to – a place of love – but whereas in LA that would take me five minutes to get to, here it could take me five hours and last for five seconds (great sex right there…).

Today when I look at my life I look at a smiling boss and business partner who has finally agreed the go-ahead of our company (I mean it was already incorporated, but that means very little without the dough) – once they find a replacement for me in his other company it’s go (well, part-time go…my salary from my company isn’t exactly erm, high). I look at my social life and I feel joy and peace. I look at working with a project that supports kids in London and South Africa and I feel like walking on clouds…a twelve year dream finally starting to materialize. I look at potential dates and I smile. I look at someone in the mirror who’s dancing and twirling forwards with dimples in her cheeks.

Today, you see at a woman who is living her dream, feeling sexier, sassier and happier than ever…but she was living her dream a couple of months ago too. It just wasn’t the pretty stuff…but it was the stuff that makes for a good story, a good adventure. And maybe it could have been different, maybe it could have been easier if I had been on a higher level of spirituality, or higher up the mountain, what have you, but we all start from somewhere and then we climb. I got furious at myself at times thinking I was making the same mistakes all over again, but clearly I hadn’t yet learnt how not to make them. You have to be nice to yourself.

What turns things around in life? In stories of great adventure it’s usually a dashing Prince, or Princess (or Jester, I stick by that one, LOL) isn’t it? Or it’s the ticket that flies in through the window and you realize that you are soon to be jetting off to Africa… Or it’s winning the lottery…or getting the dream job as if by magic.

In life I think the real turning point is love. It’s a place of love in your heart, where you allow for the magic to happen. It’s the desire to change things around, coming from that place and acting from that place. If you live in that space of free flow, of intuition and love…life does change bit, by bit, by bit. Sometimes over night, but often after many small steps of love. That doesn’t fool-proof you from storms, it just teaches you how to fly a bit better and a bit higher than before on a day-to-day basis.

So once again: love peeps. May it flow in abundance and may you have the strength to find it when life is rough and the dream of tomorrow seems far away. Even when you cry, may you love so that gates are opened for more love to enter, to heal you and move you to safe harbours.

You are always a heartbeat from anywhere: open your heart and be ready to fly when the right wind sweeps by…and it always will, you just have to have patience for it to come round and make the wind chimes chime…

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