Sex fantasies and all… (#humor #sex #love & #sarcasm)

I don’t believe in love at first sight. I’m so easily distracted when I see hot guys, that chances are if I did fall in love instantly, I’d run him over with a truck. And if we are to base this on trial and error from the past, my history shows that every man I did fall in love with at first sight usually ended up being disposed of rather quickly and those I said I’d never date in a million years ended up in my bedroom. There are, of course, exceptions to the rule. I once saw a guy walking into a nightclub and decided I wanted him. It’s not so weird though given the week before I had written a long list of everything I wanted in a man (most notably that he should be a filmmaker with dark curly hair and speak fluent French) and this man fit the bill. Not that I could have known that when he walked in the door, but maybe I was psychic? Or maybe I created him if it is true we create our reality? However, the time I said I wanted to marry an American millionaire I ended up with two, none of whom I married. I simultaneously asked for my soul mate and the problem was probably that my soul mate wasn’t a millionaire. Yet. I can only hope he’s become one since.

Sometimes when I feel bad about my non-existent love life and my past escapades I retort to reading Sex and the City quotes, because if I fucked up at least I will be sure to remember Samantha fucked a lot more. That could, potentially, be seen as a depressing fact as well though, in which case I have to bring out chocolate to see things in another light. Chocolate, however, is not well-known for its sense of humor. For that you might need to grab a bottle of wine.

If the wine makes you sentimental, instead of giggly, it will remind you that the reason you dated fucked up men is because you were fucked up. This means you are suddenly overcome by an urge to work on your beloved business as a form of escapism, as it will remind you that there is passion in your life, even if it doesn’t come with an orgasm. If you really can’t get your head out of the gutter you pick up a cheap novel about ever lasting romance and convince yourself that if the fifty year old heroine who suffers from a lot more psychological issues than you manages to find some hot dude who swears his undying love to her, so will you. You try to disregard the fact that the book was written by a woman and has more illogical flaws to the storyline than any writer/director could possibly ignore. Especially the fact that the man in the story is hot, nice and faithful.

Then, suddenly, it dawns on you that you’ve become a sarcastic bitch to cover up the fact that your favorite feel good movie is “We Bought a Zoo” because Matt Damon as a single dad is utterly irresistible and your dream of having the perfect family is completely illogical when looking at your past endeavors in the dating field. So you decide to write a new list of what you want in a man that starts with “He gets me and he loves me…” and ends with “P.S. he can also dance and he does have a six-pack” “P.P.S. He’s not an addict, criminal, psychologically unstable, manic depressive, prone to snoring, bad in bed, living in a different country or with his mother permanently, fucking anyone I know, unfaithful, or prone to any other potentially damaging thing.”

It sucks having a gooey heart, protected by walls of sarcasm three stories high, doesn’t it? It sucks even more trying to let go of the walls and be like “Here I am. Matt Damon fantasies and all.”

Writing down all my dirty fantasies. I mean I’m sure Matt Damon had to take care of a lot of mud in that zoo….

My love, the shadow that touches the flame…

Sometimes I hear you speak to me. Words echoing somewhere, just out of reach. Glimpses of light, fractured memories spin by like a carousel. I get that awkward feeling in the pit of my stomach, as if love sick. That longing, that sense of elevation…like flying and at the same time a melancholic sadness, like the unfulfilled lover. Waiting. Hoping. Praying that one day our roads will meet again.

I remember you as someone who used to fill me with fire. All my artistic dreams came to light. I would wander the streets, pen and poetry book in hand. Page after page would be filled with caffeine covered notes of beauty, mingled with my own inner pain. Everything was a little bit shattered. It was that pain I could never shake, the pain that made me fear my own pursuit. I had the fire. I had the desire. I just lacked the clarity, the knowledge, but I tried. I really went for it. That’s when I realized that beneath the fire was that pain, that insecurity and everything I did was tainted by it. The fire kind of got subdued. I censored myself. Artistic expression became about perfection, about following rules and guidelines. Sure enough some of those guidelines gave me so much – I created things I came to love, things I was truly proud of. I gained the knowledge. Yet I had let go of that sense of complete abandon. Of fully giving of myself. Like when I used to wander those streets.

Sometimes a street light, or the sight of a perfectly yellow lemon will take me right back. I’m once more where I belong, walking those streets, poetry book in hand. Everything I see is filled with beauty – I search for beauty in everything; in smells, tastes, sounds…and life is blissful. I’m immersed in the art of life and my creative juices are overflowing. Everything I see adds another piece to the puzzle. Everything I hear brings me one step closer to completing a script, a poem, an artwork… Around me answers are swirling in the air like leaves in autumn. Everything is there to help me create my art, like a giant jigsaw puzzle I’m gathering one piece after another. One step closer to fulfilling the dream of completing another project.

I’m allowing myself to create again. Stains of red wine next to my laptop. Delirious words flying by. This blog is no longer just about sexy confessions, sexy life lessons with a twinkle in their eye…ever so often I take a break from those and I play. Words enchant me and I let them. The garlic bread and the wine…I’m suddenly eleven years younger and I’m walking the streets of Paris with a dream in my hand.

I still dream. The dancers at the Moulin Rouge are still as colorful as they were when I left Sweden all those years ago. When I dreamt of a bohemian revolution, of beauty, truth, freedom and love…when I took my backpack and left and ended up in Paris. The sunrise by the Seine, the artist studios in Montmartre…every part of the city touched me with her beauty, every part made me ache and wonder.

I can feel you again, your streets so filled with beauty. The streetlights that would fill the night with magic. How you inspired me! How every step I took felt like I was lost in an artwork, or in my own dream. And then as I kept pursuing my dreams everyone congratulated me on one school after another, one city after another. London, Los Angeles, Cape Town…but somewhere along I died. I started believing I’d never come to accomplish anything. That I would be stuck doing something other than what I trained in. The irony in following your dream to become an artist.

A light flickers in the night. A wind caresses my ear. I can hear you speak to me. Soft words. A soft welcome back. Back to the core. To who I always was. Without the pain. Without the destruction.

I remember sitting in our first flat…I was writing on my laptop. The laptop suddenly died, although the battery was full. The lights were flickering. My flatmate was talking about writing erotica as a means of survival as a writer and I laughed. I was so filled with youthful enthusiasm. I told her our flat would be put on the map. A tourist destination. We would become famous. I believed in my dreams, but fame was a false dream, my heart was the true dream. I loved the artistic life. The feeling of living the dream, but as youthful fools do they pursue before they are ready, they start feeling ashamed for having listened to the ego as much as the heart and then they lose the fire as challenges extinguish the flames…just like my laptop died. Just as the lights flickered. A ghost? A story foretold?

I’m sitting by my laptop writing at night. The can can girls still dance. The creperies are all still there. Paris’ streets look the same. With my eyes I seek out the angles for the camera. My heart dreams the same dreams. Nothing’s changed, but everything is different. And from the wilderness in Africa you can hear a different roar…

That rings true to my butt!!!

Some people say this blog is outrageously sexy, borderline dirty…not sure what’s wrong with them, clearly they can’t see beneath the clothes and gather the true naked purity. Seriously.

So what was I pondering about writing about today? Nakedness? Clearly. Big butts? Absolutely.

Actually, I was planning to write about sex drive. Or well, not really. More like chemistry (I once turned something on fire in high school. Never do chemistry with a blonde. In fact, we were two blondes. Never do chemistry with two blondes.). My intention was not to blog about chemistry that involves rocket fuel and other explosives though (never did keep my attention), but chemistry between men and women. That always got my attention. Or more like it: got me distracted from everything else.

I was just chatting to a friend and we were discussing…men. So I was telling her that as soon as there’s chemistry I go for that. I fall for that. It’s like my wants are totally mis-wired. I don’t focus on whether the guy shows up for me, or not. It’s just the connection, the ability to talk, laugh… – our personalities match in such a way that I have a chemical reaction. Well I have chemical reactions to blooming chocolate too and I have no intention of marrying a chocolate bar.

And then there’s the next part of the chemical reaction – how my brain reacts. Now this is a total misfire because my brain decides it’s time to impress. It doesn’t understand the concept of just being. It has to “be” what he wants. But I wanna be loved for being me, not for doing a blowjob upside down whilst also managing to paint like Da Vinci with my feet. Simultaneously. Painting an orgasm.

And it doesn’t end there. To topple it off my brain decides (without asking my permission) that it must not have emotions (or at least confess to having them). That would be totally catastrophical. You must flirt. You must impress. You must be sexy and sassy and totally everything you could ever think a woman should be…just not emotional. That would scare men away. And if nothing else, it would mean you are weak (if he doesn’t like you that might mean something to you and he might figure that out and that would like be humiliating. Like you’re not good enough? Although that’s not true. You know that. Only your ego doesn’t know that and will have a fit, unless you manage to disconnect it and start living from the heart…mhm.). You have a romance bone (the size of the Mississippi river) in your body. You are a silly romantic. Disastrous. So in other words you are trying to hook a man by not having emotions, meaning you want to marry a man who dislikes emotions and so you can never show your love? Then you will be pushed away if you do show love (story of my life). That’s…that’s highly intelligent. Or you both have emotions but can’t show them. Oh the joy of that relationship.

What do I want from a man? A man who’s totally grounded, living from the heart. Has his confidence in his heart, not his ego. A man that sees life for what it is, yet creates from his imagination. A free spirit. A man connected to nature somehow. A man who cares about you and shows up for you. Who does random acts of kindness for you. A real man, who is also a romantic. A naughty man in the bedroom. A playful, outrageously sexy and curious man who dares to love you with all his heart. Someone who has your best intentions at heart and will always be there to clearly communicate how he sees your relationship and even if something goes wrong, would never fail to be there as one human being to another. And that’s when you realize that your strategy for getting the man you truly want is so far out in Tyrannosaurus Rex land that you should have been extinguished by now. And come to think of it you are. You are single. Your genes aren’t going to be brought forward. And your grandma is going to have a fit after praying for a miracle for the last ten years about you finally settling down. Oupsidaisy.

The fact is, we all have a couple of weird ass patterns we act out. I’m not particularly keen on my own, because they mean I attract people and situations that don’t reflect my heart. But the more I grow, the more I learn to value my own beauty, my own heart, the closer I get to living my dreams. Yes, it’s scary because it feels vulnerable, but it puts you in a lot less vulnerable position than when you act out someone you aren’t to “protect yourself” (usually without even realizing) and you end up in places you never wished to be.

I dare myself every day now to let go of these patterns and not have to be anything and instead just being. It feels really strange and I can’t say I don’t fall back into wanting to impress at times, but I feel so much freer.

Whoever you are, whatever path you are on…don’t give in to chemical reactions. They are only chemical reactions (I’m talking about the ones happening in our brain and make you want to act out strange patterns). Always keep asking what rings true to your heart. Let your heart be your guiding compass.

It’s all about what’s going on underneath the clothes guys. All about the heart. Not dirty enough for you? Well I apologize, but underneath my hooker boots (had to dump those in London) and short leather skirts, I tend to bake pancakes and get ridiculously excited about eco-friendly house holding tips. I do not apologize if I ruined your fantasy (…which was truly my fantasy, my idea of whom I should be…and I do still like hooker boots and leather skirts, I must say. So long as they aren’t a cover for another part of me that I don’t dare show.). I’m proud of my little heart, as you should be of yours! (OK, so that’s potentially a corny sentence, but it’s true, hey?!)

(If you thought this post was going to be about anal sex I must apologize for the misconception. I’m sure you’ll find something that’s about anal sex in the archives though. Metaphorically speaking. Naturally. Actually no – once I blogged about it not metaphorically speaking and I remember this because it’s one of my fav blogs of all time...I feel like a change…maybe I should become a lesbian???)

I want those jeans! And I want that photographer to take a picture like that of me! Hot damn!

Hands down your pants…

Want some hands in your pants ladies and gents? Well it’s NYE, time to get naughty…

Seriously speaking it is time to get naughty – it’s time for new year’s resolutions – whether the ones you intend to keep, or break. Personally I aim for no fear. That means I will probably break my vow at least ten times a day when I chicken out on things, but it also means that I will watch my thoughts and see when something comes in to stop me from what I would love. Because it’s all about what we would love by the end of the day (I mean really – your resolutions are to do what you love, or create what you love, or be whom you love being) and if you aren’t doing it, chances are you have some fear around it. Fear you might not even realize you have – most of the stuff controlling our behavior isn’t conscious until you stop and really think about what you are thinking about…

I don’t think it’s about curing fear either, I think it’s about hanging with the tension and instead of avoiding something, or forcing yourself to do it pretending to be cool, being vulnerable to your own fear and doing it without forcing. Can’t really explain it, but if you force you usually put something on top. Ever tried “impressing” instead of just sharing of yourself, of your heart and what you are good at? Or even if it’s your first ever dance class and you aren’t good at, just relaxing and having fun? Living your heart in other words. I’m making a movie about this next year…a dance movie. Now that’s a dream come true.

So what would I love? I would love to live my dreams, that’s what I would love. And I would love to share those dreams with those I love. I don’t want to blog about all of them right now…I really just feel like sitting down and sharing them with those I love, but man, family, writing and making movies would probably sum them up. Oh and creating a life in Cape Town…I’m still new in town so it will take a while, but buying a car next week will make things a lot easier.

Feel free to share your resolutions with me…the world…your loved ones, or just your own heart! Happy New Year folks – may it bring you the life your heart truly dreams of and lots of love in every area of your life!!! Go create magic!!! Cheers!!!

If your thoughts wander and your hands don’t follow, are you living your dreams???

Would you like to get naked my dear???

Would you like to get naked? You see, I have developed this new concept of nakedness. All you have to do is strip your clothes off and your life is transformed. Forever. Just ask that guy who saw that girl naked and life was never the same again…suddenly he was having SEX all the time…

I don’t know how many times I’ve read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Many times. There is this idea put forward if you so like, saying that we are scared of going after our dreams because we do not know if they will be all we’ve imagined. So sometimes our dream is right in front of us and we do not touch it. Because we want to keep the dream.

Other times I find the dream is all around us, but we still somehow manage to avoid it, because we do not give of ourselves to it. We don’t pour all our love and hard work into something, because we are scared we will fail. We leave a little bit of room for failure, a little room to say we didn’t do our best anyway, so if it fails, well it wasn’t because we were incapable it was because of time, or money, or whatever else.

There are yet other times when we are living the dream without really living it at all – we really fucking go for it, but our heart is closed, because we are afraid if we open it and we do not get the end result we dream of, then we will break our own heart. We don’t trust. It’s kind of like living in a glass cube where you do everything, but don’t truly feel it. It’s like banging someone without stopping to feel…it’s being aloof to our own senses, scared that if we invest them we may feel pain.

Another version of not trusting is “keeping our options open” – we invest some time and energy, we think we are truly exploring something, but we don’t surrender to the moment, we always keep a little bit of focus somewhere else. And when things don’t work out we think we were really clever for not surrendering… It’s like putting your toes in the water, thinking you swam and then wondering why you didn’t get anywhere, or felt the beauty of the ocean all around you. Yeah, I wonder why?

The ego is a tricky bitch. It will lure us away from what we love in so many different ways and we won’t even notice it unless we open our heart so that we can truly feel what resonates with us. I always compare it to having sex versus making love. How often do we slow down and feel, totally feel another person’s energy and truly explore their taste, smell and touch? I mean there are a great deal of sensations going on during sex, totally overwhelming, just like life unless you slow down and allow yourself to open your heart to it. Feel it. Explore it. Taste it. Lovingly play with it.

To fully explore you have to be fully open and surrender. To do so you have to fully trust. Trust yourself. Trust your own heart.

I find it a challenge to live my heart fully every day without hold backs. To give without analyzing. To surrender to every moment. To be fully present with those I love. To be fully present with strangers, whether I like them, or not. I have chased my dreams all over the world without ever surrendering and actually living the dream. I still have nightmares about trying to find my home in the Hollywood Hills. It’s the only place I have felt at home you see, but as I started having those dreams and wondering whether it is right to be here and blah, blah…I stopped living. Instead of focusing on my life I started thinking about what everyone else is doing and what the right choice is…my heart chose Cape Town. I want to surrender to the city to truly explore it. My heart sings for this place and my work here, yet it’s so easy to get sidetracked by obstacles…as soon as you have a fight with your boyfriend there’s an obstacle. Potential pain. And if you always run to a new guy…when will you ever discover love?

I’m scared. I’m scared of not meeting enough people and making enough friends. I’m scared of spending Christmas and New Year’s by myself. I’m scared of my economical situation, although that’s looking up. I’m scared of running into danger. I’m scared of failing with what I love most – the projects in Cape Town working in the townships and with film. I’m scared of never finding/recognizing/finding but not being loved by my soulmate (due to ego blockages). I’m fucking petrified already. But I like this town. I have a funny feeling I will come to love it.

I don’t have a return ticket. I think somewhere, that’s where my mind needs to be also. To relax into the city. To feel it. To explore it. To make love to it. To surrender and open my heart to it. That’s my dream. To live life like that. Naked. To live that presently with an open heart, receiving and giving love freely. And it would be nice to be with a man who did the same.

That’s my proposal for a naked lifestyle. I think I will need to sell the concept: better results in life than with Tony Robbins…quick, only $0.99 for one blog that will change your life! The bottom line? Get undressed!!!

Definitively time to get naked…whoop, whoop!

Soulful erections…

There’s a rooster in the neighborhood. Every morning around 5:30 am he decides to get cocky and arouse the neighborhood. That’s when you twist and turn in your bed wondering why you haven’t got an aroused husband in it?

One of the things I would really love is to have a family. When I set out on my year of transformation earlier in the year…some time around the Queen’s (British Queen that is) Jubilee I said I wanted to live in a sunny place by the beach, do a job I love and be in a relationship with a man I love. The beach and work front are coming together, given I’m on a sunny place by the beach, just about starting to embark upon working with people in the townships with film and theatre…sure there’s a lot still to be magicked up in that front, but I’m moving fast in the right direction. But love, yes love…

I was gonna share my heart today, that was the intention of this blog, as I know my favorite place is somewhere aloof as hell where I feel no one can hurt me and I’m constantly frustrated as no one can reach me either. I feel invisible. I had a right fit of the invisibility syndrome from that I got to the guesthouse I was staying in until last night when I finally felt like I stepped right into my body. And yet I feel that there is this tiny something…as if I’m not quite there. Like I can’t just be yet. I have to be a tad perfect and analytical and this and that. So it doesn’t feel like I’m sharing my heart right now, because I’m not. I’m analyzing it.

I would love love. Honestly, that’s pretty much what’s going through my heart right now. I would love love. I would really truly love love. And I would love to play.

So every day from now on I will be playing and I will be loving, because even though ultimately I would love to do that with my soulmate I love being in that place myself. I have to be there to eventually share it with someone and I realized today that not many people get to see that side of me. It’s the most natural side of me – the kid running around barefoot in the grass, screaming with delight, but how many people have seen me do that? I always dance when I’m at home in the kitchen, how many people have seen me like that? I don’t allow people to. That’s why they don’t.

So what I would love is to be entirely myself with everyone and share my love and playfulness. And I would really love to share that with my soulmate too. Do you think that will arouse him? Because I’m not sure if I want a rooster in our livingroom…one cock may be just about enough…

Through making love, we experience love…

People are people through other people, so an Ubuntu saying goes. I find this an absolutely beautiful take on life and have many times blogged about how we experience ourselves through others. Through others we get to laugh, feel their touch on our skin, see our own beauty and marvel in friendship. In one way you could say that you learn through others who you are. Yet, who we are is not always experienced by others, or even ourselves.

It’s so easy to believe what others say about us, how they react to us and so on, but really, they are part of that reaction. If they are looking at us through their ego, rather than their heart, what they will see is rather different from what their heart would see. And if they are looking at our ego rather than our heart they will also form a very different opinion of us than if they were looking at our heart. Of course they can look at us with their heart, see our heart, but also acknowledg that we are acting out our ego.

We choose every day how we view ourselves – whether from the ego, or the heart. We also choose if we act out our ego, or our heart. When we look at others we choose to see their ego, or their heart and react to them with our ego, or our heart. Sometimes we look at people’s heart, but as they keep responding to life with their ego it can be frustrating watching them, even though of course how they live is up to them and truly, if you are only viewing them from the heart probably all you do is love and let go.

I have had a few ego reactions lately and I started laughing at myself this morning when I realized it doesn’t matter what other people do, or say, so long as I stay true to my heart, the right people will connect with me and form the right kind of relationships with me. For example, let’s use my favourite love and sex metaphors…say you are dating someone and sometimes they live their ego, sometimes their heart. One night this friend of theirs, whom you know likes them, keeps flirting with them. Now, you can either try to control the situation by getting your partner out-of-the-way, or start flirting with them yourself so that their ego recognizes the wonderful qualities of yours as you shake your butt very impressively on the dance floor. You could also walk away whimpering thinking whoever got your partner’s attention is superior to you and you are completely unloveable. Or you can just be a living expression of your heart, connecting with theirs if it is open and leaving it if it is not. If one of your hearts is not open the relationship, in a sense, is dead. There might still be a foundation for it, you might have had your hearts open at various points, but as it stands that’s it. You can keep a relationship together for a lifetime with your egos, but in my mind that’s still a dead relationship.

As I see it, if you live with an open heart and the person you are dating is living mainly from their ego, making ego choices, you won’t wish to be with them anyway. If on the other hand they live from the heart and they choose to flirt with someone else, then they are not for you, as their heart is not resonating with yours. Of course, some people choose to have their hearts open to everybody, not just socially but also sexually. That’s a choice each individual needs to make and be honest with their partner about.

Now that’s just a metaphor, but I believe it applies to many, many situations in life and in the relationships with all those around us work wise and socially as well. We often hold onto things that don’t ring true because of our ego and let go of others for the same reason. When the ego starts choosing our dates, our work and how we live our day-to-day life, even our family life, things start to jar, we feel fear and the need to control ourselves and others. Our self-confidence may very well drop, because we are going after things that don’t truly resonate with us and hence we create havoc along the way and get rejected, or live successfully but without fulfilment. And when you aren’t fulfilled you feel jealousy towards those who seem to be, sometimes wishing to be like them, whereas truly fulfilment comes from living your heart.

My wish to control situations slowly evaporated as I became aware that the only control I need to exercise is to constantly stay tuned with my heart. That’s something I have to remind myself of daily though.

It has long since been my belief that if I live my bare heart, the right people will connect to it and magic will happen. In other words: be a living expression of your heart and your life will become one too.

A lot of things happen below the surface, especially if your heart is not worn on the sleeve…

The naughty devil and a big cock…

Ever been awakened by a cock? In LA my landlord decided to get some roosters and by lord they used to voice their opinions at 4am. And then there are other kinds of cocks that awaken you…

I woke up this morning with a start thinking “OMG I have trust issues.” Totally the wrong kind of cockadoodledoo. Immediately my brain went into thinking THAT’S WRONG! You aren’t supposed to wake up thinking that. So I went into super strategy mode, thinking about all the things I could do to control situations I may get into where my trust beliefs are triggered. I had a lovely party where I met Mrs Confused, Mr Logical, Miss I’m Stronger Than Anything And Fine No Matter Fucking What, Prof. You Will Never Work This Out, Lieutenant I Keep My Heart Closed For Protection, Chief Perfectionist and Dr I Will Sort My Thoughts Out. After this little party I was left thinking I needed wine to calm my aching head. Thank goodness they have plenty of vineyards in South Africa…

It wasn’t a pleasant wake-up call. For me trust issues is part of a larger complex of thoughts and feelings, grounded in the belief that I’m unloveable, or not good enough, so by the end of the day everyone will let me down and hence, can’t be trusted. I don’t literally walk around thinking that though, but if there are events that trigger these beliefs, I may feel a tad uneasy, or uncomfortable. It takes that I stop and slow down to realize WHY I am feeling that way.

If I don’t notice these thoughts and feelings being triggered I have two ways of dealing with it: I either go aloof to protect myself from what I believe to be causing pain (people not loving me), or I spring into perfectionist mode to prove why I am worthy to be loved.  Sometimes I don’t notice myself doing this either. I can be at a party acting out all my perfectionism and talking to a gazillion people (going aloof can simply mean distancing yourself by closing your heart), supposedly having a great time and only noticing a tiny sense of discomfort somewhere. I am not unhappy, or miserably, but a tiny warning bell is still sounding because I’m living my identity (reinforcing my beliefs by acting in ways that will prove them true – if you try to be perfect you will feel imperfect and by closing your heart, however little, you will feel separate and hence unloved by people), instead of my heart.

If I notice the warning bell I can stop, listen to my thoughts that are running as an undercurrent, dictating my choices, and choose to stop following the current. I can switch off the autopilot and choose to live in an open space of love. I don’t care if the thoughts tell me this is dangerous. Your most powerful state is a state of love. The devil inside your head (your ego/identity) will tell you differently, but as soon as you become aware of its voice you also realize you are aware of something else. And if you listen more carefully, you will hear that the voice of your heart is much more powerful, even if you have never used the strength of your heart, because your focus has been on your ego.

So ladies and gents, this simply means that you don’t win a man over by soothing his ego and speaking to his cock. It means you open your heart and find a man with an open heart who speaks with your heart. Then you don’t have to have trust issues, as hearts don’t lie, cheat, steal, or do anything else unsuitable. And still, they can be deliciously naughty…dirty love baby, the focus is on the loving dirt.

 

Red for passion, pain and priumph…

Very first time sex, first time biking, first time skating…they pretty much all end up with…blood. First time swimming…you sank like a stone, didn’t you? I don’t know about you but I have found with the years that many first time things, such as first time dates, first days at work and first time sex don’t always give the right impression. First impressions last…well, I’m not so sure.

Do you think you have good judgement? I think I have excellent judgement. In my 30 years I have, maybe once, liked someone from day one that I then ended up falling for. Once. Oftentimes I’ve wanted to punch them in the face for no reason. Then again, maybe I was right, because nothing lasted…but then the one I fell for immediately didn’t either. What I am trying to say is that first impressions are often like an apple: it can look shiny on the outside, but be rotten on the inside. Your intuition may be able to tell you so, or some small, small sign of warning, but it’s unlikely you pick up on it if you are excited, hungry, busy, stressed, tired, over joyed, or any other anything that disrupts an empty mind. Similarly, an apple with bit of a brown patch on the skin, can be utterly scrumptiously delicious.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: slow down. Empty your mind before you make decisions. And once you’ve made them, give it time. How long does it take to become an athlete? How long does it take to compose music like Mozart? How long did it take before you could bike, or swim? I remember learning to bike – I was black, blue and my knees were in a state of red mess, but it took me an evening and I was biking. In blissful joy. My bruises made me proud. Keeping it up, when I had fallen over so many times, made me proud. I took pride in putting in the effort to reach my desired result. Be smart – learn how to do things the easiest way (intuition and knowledge), but realize that to get up a hill…you gonna have to climb it…like you climb any good man, or woman.

I’m sure that you check your mobile apps, eat a sandwich and walk to work at the same time, whilst avoiding any traffic hazard you encounter…let’s face it: you are used to multi-tasking and living in what can only be called an ADD culture, but some things take time. And they deserve time. People set up companies, fall in love and enrol in difficult courses at uni thinking it will be a breeze. They hit one obstacle, or get one bad feeling and they are gone. It’s uncomfortable, so they leave. They don’t slow down, check what’s truly going on inside (i.e. what unconscious thoughts and feelings have gotten triggered – if you fail one thing and feel worthless, you may decide to stop at whatever you are doing to stop feeling worthless…but in reality you just failed a test, you aren’t worthless, that’s something you made up), empty their mind and let their intuition guide them. Nor do they realize that it may take a few attempts before the discomfort disappears and they are sailing full speed ahead.

Have you ever heard any of your friends (well, maybe men don’t talk like this, no clue, but women talk sex) say: “OMG I have been dating this guy for about three weeks now, I really like him, he totally turns me on in every way and then we had sex for the first time yesterday and it was appalling, so I can’t wait to do it again and again, until we become orgasmic sexperts!!! I’m so excited!” Or “We’ve been in a four year relationship, things are starting to slow down a bit, you know. Get a bit routine, boring. I’m soooo excited because this is just the wake up call I needed to add some spice both into my life AND the relationship.” Didn’t hear that? Me neither. Nor have I heard of many people going on a bad first date and being excited about giving it a second go. Especially not myself. I’m the one date queen. What’s more, I haven’t really heard of many people having first time sex, or going on a first date thinking they weren’t excited, anxious, or wanting to impress, but rather totally grounded and intuitive, living their greatness. In other words: they weren’t really in the best state of mind for making decisions…but they probably made one, or two (I’ll see you again/I’ll have sex with you again OR I won’t see you again/I won’t have sex with you again).

I’m sure we have all encountered situations where it’s pretty damn obvious that we will, under no circumstance date, or have sex with someone again, or whatever it is we did (some mistakes you truly only wanna make once and sometimes you do truly know with your heart you don’t want it again), all I’m saying is: slow down, take your time, explore and use your intuition to make your decisions. And remember that learning to swim takes time and learning to bike even gives you bruises. Just like that great sex you had the other day…  (Have you ever had that awkward moment when someone asked you what a very awkward positioned bruise was all about? Mmmm, awkwardly great, aren’t they?)

Red hot…

A naked dance, somewhere around midnight…

 

I think dancing is probably the sexiest way there is to use your body. Sure sex is sexy, but sensual dancing has more sex appeal. Someone who can move their body, really move their body…

I don’t know about you, but I love to dance. I’ve taken dance classes on and off since I was fourteen and almost ended up becoming a professional dancer. I’ve done a fair amount of dancing, not enough if you ask me, but a fair amount. I’ve also had a lot of compliments for my dancing…from performances to clubbing. In other words: I love to dance and I’m not half bad at it. Yet, I made a discovery and that is that I’m not sure I’ve ever danced entirely freely and still dancing is where I usually feel the most free and alive.

There are times when I’m aware I’m self-conscious not to drag too much attention to myself, or want to impress, or want to get the moves right, or want to come up with new moves, or feel out of sync with the people around and can’t dance to save myself, etc., but that is something I’m aware of and sometimes one strategy or another does feel appropriate. There’s a reason you don’t do pirouettes down Oxford Street (you are likely to kill yourself or someone else by mistake), but when you are alone in the garden and actually try to dance freely and realize you can’t, that’s when things get awkward.

We talk a lot about what we want to do…like if I only had a week, or a month to live, I’d do x, y, z…but it’s not just about what you do. It’s how you do it. You can become a professional dancer and spend your entire career never once dancing, never once giving yourself entirely to the dance. You can marry someone without ever once giving yourself to them during sex. Never once surrendering.

Have you ever danced where you gave yourself entirely to the dance and the music? Where every other thought was completely erased? Where there was no thought, no need to think, but you just simply gave yourself to the moment, to the experience, allowing your heart to lead and explore whatever it came across? Where your body simply became a tool to express your heart and your love. Have you ever done that during sex? During a dinner? At any given time in life? I’m not sure I have. I’m not sure I’ve ever surrendered without thought, without strategy, without analysing, but I believe that’s where life would be the greatest. Love and exploration. Absolute intimacy, both with yourself, others and what you are experiencing. Magic…I think that’s what they call magic – when borders get erased and all becomes one.

On that note – let’s dance.