Category Archives: Spirituality

That rings true to my butt!!!

Some people say this blog is outrageously sexy, borderline dirty…not sure what’s wrong with them, clearly they can’t see beneath the clothes and gather the true naked purity. Seriously.

So what was I pondering about writing about today? Nakedness? Clearly. Big butts? Absolutely.

Actually, I was planning to write about sex drive. Or well, not really. More like chemistry (I once turned something on fire in high school. Never do chemistry with a blonde. In fact, we were two blondes. Never do chemistry with two blondes.). My intention was not to blog about chemistry that involves rocket fuel and other explosives though (never did keep my attention), but chemistry between men and women. That always got my attention. Or more like it: got me distracted from everything else.

I was just chatting to a friend and we were discussing…men. So I was telling her that as soon as there’s chemistry I go for that. I fall for that. It’s like my wants are totally mis-wired. I don’t focus on whether the guy shows up for me, or not. It’s just the connection, the ability to talk, laugh… – our personalities match in such a way that I have a chemical reaction. Well I have chemical reactions to blooming chocolate too and I have no intention of marrying a chocolate bar.

And then there’s the next part of the chemical reaction – how my brain reacts. Now this is a total misfire because my brain decides it’s time to impress. It doesn’t understand the concept of just being. It has to “be” what he wants. But I wanna be loved for being me, not for doing a blowjob upside down whilst also managing to paint like Da Vinci with my feet. Simultaneously. Painting an orgasm.

And it doesn’t end there. To topple it off my brain decides (without asking my permission) that it must not have emotions (or at least confess to having them). That would be totally catastrophical. You must flirt. You must impress. You must be sexy and sassy and totally everything you could ever think a woman should be…just not emotional. That would scare men away. And if nothing else, it would mean you are weak (if he doesn’t like you that might mean something to you and he might figure that out and that would like be humiliating. Like you’re not good enough? Although that’s not true. You know that. Only your ego doesn’t know that and will have a fit, unless you manage to disconnect it and start living from the heart…mhm.). You have a romance bone (the size of the Mississippi river) in your body. You are a silly romantic. Disastrous. So in other words you are trying to hook a man by not having emotions, meaning you want to marry a man who dislikes emotions and so you can never show your love? Then you will be pushed away if you do show love (story of my life). That’s…that’s highly intelligent. Or you both have emotions but can’t show them. Oh the joy of that relationship.

What do I want from a man? A man who’s totally grounded, living from the heart. Has his confidence in his heart, not his ego. A man that sees life for what it is, yet creates from his imagination. A free spirit. A man connected to nature somehow. A man who cares about you and shows up for you. Who does random acts of kindness for you. A real man, who is also a romantic. A naughty man in the bedroom. A playful, outrageously sexy and curious man who dares to love you with all his heart. Someone who has your best intentions at heart and will always be there to clearly communicate how he sees your relationship and even if something goes wrong, would never fail to be there as one human being to another. And that’s when you realize that your strategy for getting the man you truly want is so far out in Tyrannosaurus Rex land that you should have been extinguished by now. And come to think of it you are. You are single. Your genes aren’t going to be brought forward. And your grandma is going to have a fit after praying for a miracle for the last ten years about you finally settling down. Oupsidaisy.

The fact is, we all have a couple of weird ass patterns we act out. I’m not particularly keen on my own, because they mean I attract people and situations that don’t reflect my heart. But the more I grow, the more I learn to value my own beauty, my own heart, the closer I get to living my dreams. Yes, it’s scary because it feels vulnerable, but it puts you in a lot less vulnerable position than when you act out someone you aren’t to “protect yourself” (usually without even realizing) and you end up in places you never wished to be.

I dare myself every day now to let go of these patterns and not have to be anything and instead just being. It feels really strange and I can’t say I don’t fall back into wanting to impress at times, but I feel so much freer.

Whoever you are, whatever path you are on…don’t give in to chemical reactions. They are only chemical reactions (I’m talking about the ones happening in our brain and make you want to act out strange patterns). Always keep asking what rings true to your heart. Let your heart be your guiding compass.

It’s all about what’s going on underneath the clothes guys. All about the heart. Not dirty enough for you? Well I apologize, but underneath my hooker boots (had to dump those in London) and short leather skirts, I tend to bake pancakes and get ridiculously excited about eco-friendly house holding tips. I do not apologize if I ruined your fantasy (…which was truly my fantasy, my idea of whom I should be…and I do still like hooker boots and leather skirts, I must say. So long as they aren’t a cover for another part of me that I don’t dare show.). I’m proud of my little heart, as you should be of yours! (OK, so that’s potentially a corny sentence, but it’s true, hey?!)

(If you thought this post was going to be about anal sex I must apologize for the misconception. I’m sure you’ll find something that’s about anal sex in the archives though. Metaphorically speaking. Naturally. Actually no – once I blogged about it not metaphorically speaking and I remember this because it’s one of my fav blogs of all time...I feel like a change…maybe I should become a lesbian???)

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I want those jeans! And I want that photographer to take a picture like that of me! Hot damn!

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January 15, 2013 · 7:05 am

Hands down your pants…

Want some hands in your pants ladies and gents? Well it’s NYE, time to get naughty…

Seriously speaking it is time to get naughty – it’s time for new year’s resolutions – whether the ones you intend to keep, or break. Personally I aim for no fear. That means I will probably break my vow at least ten times a day when I chicken out on things, but it also means that I will watch my thoughts and see when something comes in to stop me from what I would love. Because it’s all about what we would love by the end of the day (I mean really – your resolutions are to do what you love, or create what you love, or be whom you love being) and if you aren’t doing it, chances are you have some fear around it. Fear you might not even realize you have – most of the stuff controlling our behavior isn’t conscious until you stop and really think about what you are thinking about…

I don’t think it’s about curing fear either, I think it’s about hanging with the tension and instead of avoiding something, or forcing yourself to do it pretending to be cool, being vulnerable to your own fear and doing it without forcing. Can’t really explain it, but if you force you usually put something on top. Ever tried “impressing” instead of just sharing of yourself, of your heart and what you are good at? Or even if it’s your first ever dance class and you aren’t good at, just relaxing and having fun? Living your heart in other words. I’m making a movie about this next year…a dance movie. Now that’s a dream come true.

So what would I love? I would love to live my dreams, that’s what I would love. And I would love to share those dreams with those I love. I don’t want to blog about all of them right now…I really just feel like sitting down and sharing them with those I love, but man, family, writing and making movies would probably sum them up. Oh and creating a life in Cape Town…I’m still new in town so it will take a while, but buying a car next week will make things a lot easier.

Feel free to share your resolutions with me…the world…your loved ones, or just your own heart! Happy New Year folks – may it bring you the life your heart truly dreams of and lots of love in every area of your life!!! Go create magic!!! Cheers!!!

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If your thoughts wander and your hands don’t follow, are you living your dreams???

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Would you like to get naked my dear???

Would you like to get naked? You see, I have developed this new concept of nakedness. All you have to do is strip your clothes off and your life is transformed. Forever. Just ask that guy who saw that girl naked and life was never the same again…suddenly he was having SEX all the time…

I don’t know how many times I’ve read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Many times. There is this idea put forward if you so like, saying that we are scared of going after our dreams because we do not know if they will be all we’ve imagined. So sometimes our dream is right in front of us and we do not touch it. Because we want to keep the dream.

Other times I find the dream is all around us, but we still somehow manage to avoid it, because we do not give of ourselves to it. We don’t pour all our love and hard work into something, because we are scared we will fail. We leave a little bit of room for failure, a little room to say we didn’t do our best anyway, so if it fails, well it wasn’t because we were incapable it was because of time, or money, or whatever else.

There are yet other times when we are living the dream without really living it at all – we really fucking go for it, but our heart is closed, because we are afraid if we open it and we do not get the end result we dream of, then we will break our own heart. We don’t trust. It’s kind of like living in a glass cube where you do everything, but don’t truly feel it. It’s like banging someone without stopping to feel…it’s being aloof to our own senses, scared that if we invest them we may feel pain.

Another version of not trusting is “keeping our options open” – we invest some time and energy, we think we are truly exploring something, but we don’t surrender to the moment, we always keep a little bit of focus somewhere else. And when things don’t work out we think we were really clever for not surrendering… It’s like putting your toes in the water, thinking you swam and then wondering why you didn’t get anywhere, or felt the beauty of the ocean all around you. Yeah, I wonder why?

The ego is a tricky bitch. It will lure us away from what we love in so many different ways and we won’t even notice it unless we open our heart so that we can truly feel what resonates with us. I always compare it to having sex versus making love. How often do we slow down and feel, totally feel another person’s energy and truly explore their taste, smell and touch? I mean there are a great deal of sensations going on during sex, totally overwhelming, just like life unless you slow down and allow yourself to open your heart to it. Feel it. Explore it. Taste it. Lovingly play with it.

To fully explore you have to be fully open and surrender. To do so you have to fully trust. Trust yourself. Trust your own heart.

I find it a challenge to live my heart fully every day without hold backs. To give without analyzing. To surrender to every moment. To be fully present with those I love. To be fully present with strangers, whether I like them, or not. I have chased my dreams all over the world without ever surrendering and actually living the dream. I still have nightmares about trying to find my home in the Hollywood Hills. It’s the only place I have felt at home you see, but as I started having those dreams and wondering whether it is right to be here and blah, blah…I stopped living. Instead of focusing on my life I started thinking about what everyone else is doing and what the right choice is…my heart chose Cape Town. I want to surrender to the city to truly explore it. My heart sings for this place and my work here, yet it’s so easy to get sidetracked by obstacles…as soon as you have a fight with your boyfriend there’s an obstacle. Potential pain. And if you always run to a new guy…when will you ever discover love?

I’m scared. I’m scared of not meeting enough people and making enough friends. I’m scared of spending Christmas and New Year’s by myself. I’m scared of my economical situation, although that’s looking up. I’m scared of running into danger. I’m scared of failing with what I love most – the projects in Cape Town working in the townships and with film. I’m scared of never finding/recognizing/finding but not being loved by my soulmate (due to ego blockages). I’m fucking petrified already. But I like this town. I have a funny feeling I will come to love it.

I don’t have a return ticket. I think somewhere, that’s where my mind needs to be also. To relax into the city. To feel it. To explore it. To make love to it. To surrender and open my heart to it. That’s my dream. To live life like that. Naked. To live that presently with an open heart, receiving and giving love freely. And it would be nice to be with a man who did the same.

That’s my proposal for a naked lifestyle. I think I will need to sell the concept: better results in life than with Tony Robbins…quick, only $0.99 for one blog that will change your life! The bottom line? Get undressed!!!

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Definitively time to get naked…whoop, whoop!

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Through making love, we experience love…

People are people through other people, so an Ubuntu saying goes. I find this an absolutely beautiful take on life and have many times blogged about how we experience ourselves through others. Through others we get to laugh, feel their touch on our skin, see our own beauty and marvel in friendship. In one way you could say that you learn through others who you are. Yet, who we are is not always experienced by others, or even ourselves.

It’s so easy to believe what others say about us, how they react to us and so on, but really, they are part of that reaction. If they are looking at us through their ego, rather than their heart, what they will see is rather different from what their heart would see. And if they are looking at our ego rather than our heart they will also form a very different opinion of us than if they were looking at our heart. Of course they can look at us with their heart, see our heart, but also acknowledg that we are acting out our ego.

We choose every day how we view ourselves – whether from the ego, or the heart. We also choose if we act out our ego, or our heart. When we look at others we choose to see their ego, or their heart and react to them with our ego, or our heart. Sometimes we look at people’s heart, but as they keep responding to life with their ego it can be frustrating watching them, even though of course how they live is up to them and truly, if you are only viewing them from the heart probably all you do is love and let go.

I have had a few ego reactions lately and I started laughing at myself this morning when I realized it doesn’t matter what other people do, or say, so long as I stay true to my heart, the right people will connect with me and form the right kind of relationships with me. For example, let’s use my favourite love and sex metaphors…say you are dating someone and sometimes they live their ego, sometimes their heart. One night this friend of theirs, whom you know likes them, keeps flirting with them. Now, you can either try to control the situation by getting your partner out-of-the-way, or start flirting with them yourself so that their ego recognizes the wonderful qualities of yours as you shake your butt very impressively on the dance floor. You could also walk away whimpering thinking whoever got your partner’s attention is superior to you and you are completely unloveable. Or you can just be a living expression of your heart, connecting with theirs if it is open and leaving it if it is not. If one of your hearts is not open the relationship, in a sense, is dead. There might still be a foundation for it, you might have had your hearts open at various points, but as it stands that’s it. You can keep a relationship together for a lifetime with your egos, but in my mind that’s still a dead relationship.

As I see it, if you live with an open heart and the person you are dating is living mainly from their ego, making ego choices, you won’t wish to be with them anyway. If on the other hand they live from the heart and they choose to flirt with someone else, then they are not for you, as their heart is not resonating with yours. Of course, some people choose to have their hearts open to everybody, not just socially but also sexually. That’s a choice each individual needs to make and be honest with their partner about.

Now that’s just a metaphor, but I believe it applies to many, many situations in life and in the relationships with all those around us work wise and socially as well. We often hold onto things that don’t ring true because of our ego and let go of others for the same reason. When the ego starts choosing our dates, our work and how we live our day-to-day life, even our family life, things start to jar, we feel fear and the need to control ourselves and others. Our self-confidence may very well drop, because we are going after things that don’t truly resonate with us and hence we create havoc along the way and get rejected, or live successfully but without fulfilment. And when you aren’t fulfilled you feel jealousy towards those who seem to be, sometimes wishing to be like them, whereas truly fulfilment comes from living your heart.

My wish to control situations slowly evaporated as I became aware that the only control I need to exercise is to constantly stay tuned with my heart. That’s something I have to remind myself of daily though.

It has long since been my belief that if I live my bare heart, the right people will connect to it and magic will happen. In other words: be a living expression of your heart and your life will become one too.

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A lot of things happen below the surface, especially if your heart is not worn on the sleeve…

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Red for passion, pain and priumph…

Very first time sex, first time biking, first time skating…they pretty much all end up with…blood. First time swimming…you sank like a stone, didn’t you? I don’t know about you but I have found with the years that many first time things, such as first time dates, first days at work and first time sex don’t always give the right impression. First impressions last…well, I’m not so sure.

Do you think you have good judgement? I think I have excellent judgement. In my 30 years I have, maybe once, liked someone from day one that I then ended up falling for. Once. Oftentimes I’ve wanted to punch them in the face for no reason. Then again, maybe I was right, because nothing lasted…but then the one I fell for immediately didn’t either. What I am trying to say is that first impressions are often like an apple: it can look shiny on the outside, but be rotten on the inside. Your intuition may be able to tell you so, or some small, small sign of warning, but it’s unlikely you pick up on it if you are excited, hungry, busy, stressed, tired, over joyed, or any other anything that disrupts an empty mind. Similarly, an apple with bit of a brown patch on the skin, can be utterly scrumptiously delicious.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: slow down. Empty your mind before you make decisions. And once you’ve made them, give it time. How long does it take to become an athlete? How long does it take to compose music like Mozart? How long did it take before you could bike, or swim? I remember learning to bike – I was black, blue and my knees were in a state of red mess, but it took me an evening and I was biking. In blissful joy. My bruises made me proud. Keeping it up, when I had fallen over so many times, made me proud. I took pride in putting in the effort to reach my desired result. Be smart – learn how to do things the easiest way (intuition and knowledge), but realize that to get up a hill…you gonna have to climb it…like you climb any good man, or woman.

I’m sure that you check your mobile apps, eat a sandwich and walk to work at the same time, whilst avoiding any traffic hazard you encounter…let’s face it: you are used to multi-tasking and living in what can only be called an ADD culture, but some things take time. And they deserve time. People set up companies, fall in love and enrol in difficult courses at uni thinking it will be a breeze. They hit one obstacle, or get one bad feeling and they are gone. It’s uncomfortable, so they leave. They don’t slow down, check what’s truly going on inside (i.e. what unconscious thoughts and feelings have gotten triggered – if you fail one thing and feel worthless, you may decide to stop at whatever you are doing to stop feeling worthless…but in reality you just failed a test, you aren’t worthless, that’s something you made up), empty their mind and let their intuition guide them. Nor do they realize that it may take a few attempts before the discomfort disappears and they are sailing full speed ahead.

Have you ever heard any of your friends (well, maybe men don’t talk like this, no clue, but women talk sex) say: “OMG I have been dating this guy for about three weeks now, I really like him, he totally turns me on in every way and then we had sex for the first time yesterday and it was appalling, so I can’t wait to do it again and again, until we become orgasmic sexperts!!! I’m so excited!” Or “We’ve been in a four year relationship, things are starting to slow down a bit, you know. Get a bit routine, boring. I’m soooo excited because this is just the wake up call I needed to add some spice both into my life AND the relationship.” Didn’t hear that? Me neither. Nor have I heard of many people going on a bad first date and being excited about giving it a second go. Especially not myself. I’m the one date queen. What’s more, I haven’t really heard of many people having first time sex, or going on a first date thinking they weren’t excited, anxious, or wanting to impress, but rather totally grounded and intuitive, living their greatness. In other words: they weren’t really in the best state of mind for making decisions…but they probably made one, or two (I’ll see you again/I’ll have sex with you again OR I won’t see you again/I won’t have sex with you again).

I’m sure we have all encountered situations where it’s pretty damn obvious that we will, under no circumstance date, or have sex with someone again, or whatever it is we did (some mistakes you truly only wanna make once and sometimes you do truly know with your heart you don’t want it again), all I’m saying is: slow down, take your time, explore and use your intuition to make your decisions. And remember that learning to swim takes time and learning to bike even gives you bruises. Just like that great sex you had the other day…  (Have you ever had that awkward moment when someone asked you what a very awkward positioned bruise was all about? Mmmm, awkwardly great, aren’t they?)

Red hot…

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Boobies and booty…it’s boot-y-ful…

I walked by someone who was on the phone today and had a bit of a start when I heard him say: “I’ve seen your tits.” It took me some time to grasp that what he in fact said was “I’ll send you a text.” I could blame it on a thick Australian accent, but yeah…welcome to the world of blondie with her head in sexy headlines, as opposed to in the clouds…although it’s probably up there too. I’m dreamer and all that…always coming up with stories, products and spectacles in my mind…

So that’s my world. A world of hearing things wrong, walking into things whilst looking at other things (men), doing one thing and forgetting another (dizzy)…my world is mine and it has pros and cons…some things I can change, some things I want to change, others are absolutely brilliant, perfect and amazing. What I absolutely love about me is…my humor (hey, at least I’m laughing!!!), my heart (so yeah, it gets me in trouble all the time, but I kind of like that because it proves I’ve got one), my honesty and straight forwardness – ask me a question and I will answer, my booty – it can dance and it is squeeze friendly, my love of performance, writing, creating…maybe that’s part of my heart, but I love that because there are so many things I love. I also love my intuition and connection with nature. Call me a witch (I’ll be quite proud if you do…), but I think there’s a lot to be said for staying in harmony with your body and the Earth.  And I love that I’m alive. That I’m here having a chance to experience this.

So my question to you is simply this: what do you love about your world? About being you? (Feel free to tell me what you love about me too…I mean, whilst you’re at it. I’m not against compliments. Or chocolate.)

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A love story…

I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for this. Chapter two of my love story. I wrote the first chapter two years ago and I have, erm, been thinking about writing the next one for two years. I just never found the time and the inspiration at the same time (I made an attempt once that didn’t turn out too well, bloody awful if I remember it right). I find it truly marvellous how a story can live in your mind for two years. I can’t really believe it was two years ago though, but it was. It was around Easter and there were flowers in the Canyon, I was doing yoga there in the mornings…my darling LA…well, this story is from my heart, not from the city…but then, that city too, is in my heart…

The Journey, Chapter II

He played her like a violin. Soft, penetrating notes echoing in the first light of morning. Like dew they were crystal clear, the notes, as they flew through the skies, the echo softly fading into eternity. She could feel him. As he moved something moved within her.

He wasn’t there. He was away in travels. He hadn’t been there since they met. That first whirlwind couple of weeks when they got to know each other. He had already known her, as she had known him, as souls know each other, recognize each other, but they had to get to know each other on a day-to-day basis. He found out what hours during the morning she ground her spices. She found out what hours of day he spent rehearsing tricks for his shows. He watched her as she came up with recipes, baked…tasted new tastes as she created them. She watched him as he learnt to make something disappear only to reappear unexpectedly, or six juggling balls fly in endless patterns across the skies.

It was funny she thought, how she felt she knew him, without knowing a single thing about him. He kept surprising her with the small things he did. Whether he suddenly showed up with the perfect present at the most unexpected hour, or told a funny story to a stranger, there was always this element of surprise – of making things appear out of thin air (which he was very good at quite literally). Still, even if he told someone a story she had never heard before, or suddenly showed up with all the neighbors for a spur of the moment picnic, which no one in the town had thought to do for the last 100 years or so, she was certain that she knew him. Her soul knew his soul, as his soul knew hers. Whether they recognized each other because of centuries past, or because they were made of the same stuff…she didn’t know. It was as if their essence was the same, or completely complimentary. Yet, there was nothing complimentary about him loving coriander and she loving mint, him traveling and she having a bakery, him staying out late to perform and she waking early to bake, but it felt right. As if they shouldn’t be copies of each other. As if they were different, yet the same. Complimentary, she thought. They fit without having to fit.

It was a splendid dawn today, just as the day three months ago when he had entered her little cafe well before the rest of the town had stirred. When the air was still fresh and clean – desires, agonies, pains, hopes and passions, still sleeping. It was the purest hour of the day. It felt much the same as the tones of the violin – clear cutting and raw, beautiful and light, yet forceful and demanding.

He had entered at dawn. It was his colours, his aura, the feel of him…a man who was wide awake, making things happen. A man who preferred to rise whilst the rest of the world was still sleeping. Yet, he was a man of the night; an entertainer. As everyone know – people like to be entertained at night, when they have time for such indulgent pleasures and their minds let lose and their hearts play. He could sneak in the shadows and appear in the light, he was filled with contradictions like that.

As any good entertainer, he could make anyone feel at ease instantly. People were drawn to him and she imagined the women in his life must have been plenty, yet he was a loner. He was always there, present in the moment with people, open, warm…still she could see he didn’t feel connected to everyone. He was present to them, they touched him inside, as he touched them, but he wasn’t connected to them on every level. As if they were different from him. Few people could get to the core that she had imagined she had touched.

His exterior was so light, always jesting, but underneath was something else. He could spend hours thinking up a story, coming up with the deeper meaning, the sublime messages….then hiding them in word plays, tricks and jokes. He appeared light, but he had a depth she’d rarely seen before. He was a man who knew the truth and conveyed it in jest. He saw far beyond what eyes can see. He saw into people’s hearts and minds and slightly altered them during his performances. A true jester, an alchemist at heart. She knew that was the path of jesters in ancient history. Apparently some lived on.

It was hard to pin him down. Just as he could see through the facades of most men, straight into their hearts, it was hard to see straight into his. From all the people he had met he seemed to have picked something up…it was as if he was everyone, yet, he was so distinctively himself. And when he let go, when he wasn’t entertaining, or analyzing, when he was just him, without doing anything, he was beautiful.

She remembered one day….the sun just starting to move from the very top of the skies towards the horizon, his voice – that soft, deep melodic tone – floating effortlessly into the air around him, a smile covering his face. A small group of people had gathered around him, like colorful dots, as he stood on his red mat.

Given his audience that day was filled with children, he told them a fairy tale. The woman smiled, as she remembered the story – it had been about an Easter egg hunt.

He had told the children that in one town, a small town much like their own, only instead of always basking in sunlight, it was placed on the mist swept hillsides in what appeared to be a magical place, the tradition was that every year on Easter Sunday the adults would go out early in the morning to hide beautiful eggs for the children who turned ten that year. The eggs were large, made out of wood and beautifully painted in bright colors, gold and silver. Intricate patterns, sometimes even images making up stories, covered the eggs. They said the tradition was as old as the town itself and in fact you could buy these eggs all year round to bring with you back to your own town. The eggs were very expensive, the accomplishment of a long tradition of craftmanship. For the children though, the eggs were free and filled with wonderful toys and fantastical sweets and every child longed to turn ten, just so they could be the ones participating in the Easter egg hunt that year.

According to tales from the town it was said that if someone really needed something the spirit of Oestre, of dawn and new beginnings, would bring it as a gift and hide it within the egg. Most people didn’t believe in this tale though, as it was old and filled with superstition, but as tales go it was still told over and over again. It was as much part of the town as the cobblestones themselves.

One year during the traditional Easter egg hunt, a girl found an egg that was much smaller and uglier than all the other eggs and when she opened it inside was a small bag of seeds, a needle and one piece of chocolate. Nothing like the endless amount of sweets, toy trains, games and other beautiful toys the other children found.

The girl who had found the ugly egg felt very disappointed at first. This was something she had been looking forward to for years and something her friends had talked about for weeks now. Even the adults looked at her funnily as everyone swore that the egg hadn’t been placed by them and there was another egg, one like the ones the other kids had, that had gone missing. They believed someone was playing a trick on them, but they thought it must be a stranger as everyone in town at the time got along really well. As there was no other egg – every egg in town had been sold before Easter – the little girl had to make do with the one she found.

As all the other boys and girls were gathering around to show each other their eggs and eat their sweets the little girl felt angry, thinking it unfair she couldn’t do the same. The other children offered her sweets but it didn’t feel as nice eating them when she couldn’t offer any in return, or swap around for favorites, like the others did. Nor could she play with her new toys, as she didn’t have any. After sulking for a while, she gave up, simply because it was too boring to sit and be miserable and decided to go home. After all she thought, maybe there was something special with her egg? Maybe it was a magical somehow? She would have a closer look at it when she got home.

Once at home she opened the egg again and sat steering at the contents for a while, waiting for something to happen – magic is supposed to make things fly, or play music out of nothing, isn’t it? Nothing did happen though, so she decided to put the contents of the egg to use – there wasn’t much else she could do. She took the seeds and planted them in their garden and once she was done she sat down and had the piece of chocolate she had been given. The chocolate was truly delicious and as it was the only piece she got, she took her time and ate it very slowly, enjoying every bite. She thought the other children probably didn’t enjoy their sweets as much, because they ate so many in one go. When she got sweets in the future, she would take her time to enjoy each one. Once she had finished her chocolate she hurried inside to try the last thing in the egg – the needle. As she sat down with a piece of fabric, needle and thread in hand she immediately managed to prick herself with the needle. Not a great start to an enjoyable gift she thought, but she realized she didn’t actually know how to saw very well, so she took the needle and walked over to her neighbor, who happened to be a seamstress.

As it turned out the little girl really enjoyed sewing once she got the hang of it. It took hard work and a lot of patience, but as she started enjoying what she was doing she learnt fast and soon she was making dresses for her dolls and shortly thereafter clothes for both herself and her family.

That summer her father got very ill for a couple of months and as the family didn’t have much money the girl made some extra money from her sewing and was delighted to find that she now had a garden filled with vegetables they could eat. Later in life she became a very accomplished seamstress and made dresses that created happiness for all that wore them. So the little girl who got the smallest egg, after all got the largest treasure. And she learnt that things that are valuable continue to generate joy for years and magic truly is a gift you have to make happen yourself.

After ending the tale the jester magically pulled out an egg from various places to each one of the children, each egg containing her homemade sweets and a gift that could be used for many years to come, something that needed to be used to create something else. That way, he explained later, they would carry the magic with them. She had asked him how he knew what gift to give to each child, whether a set of paints, or a mini-carpenting kit. He had smiled when she asked him this. “I know a little bit,” he said, “but I do not know everything. I was hoping chance would play it to my favor. I prayed each gift I chose would be the right one, using my intuition if you so like, but life after all will happen as it chooses and we all have to deal with what comes. Sometimes a gift today can seem worthless, that in years to come becomes precious. Just as in the story I told.”

He smiled again as his mind seemed to wander. “My granddad had a flute, which he had never played for more than an hour in total his entire life. It had been a gift to him from his father in law, who, as an established musician, hoped that his new son would learn to play and carry the traditions of the family forward. As it were grandpa never really got used to producing his own music – he preferred listening to others, like his beautiful wife, whom used to sing to him. So the flute gathered dust in a corner of their house, until some 35 years later I found it and learned to play. Much thanks to grandma. To this day, that’s the flute I play. It’s made of some incredibly hard wood and seems to never wear out. Magical, really. It’s my favorite toy, my most precious belonging. Apart from you, of course.” He laughed and winked at her. “I don’t belong to you,” she objected. She could never get used to people talking about each other as belongings. She was a free spirit, not jailed to anyone, or anything. “No, but you are part of me. Sort of the same, don’t you think?”

She didn’t, but she knew what he meant. It was what she had been trying to explain to herself for the last couple of days as she felt him much stronger than before. As if the notes of his flute were playing within her, opening her to the sudden feeling that he was present in the room. She wondered if she was insane as at the same time as she knew she wasn’t. It was the same as she feeling exactly what someone needed to eat to alter their state of mind. It was knowing something that travelled through you, without you knowing exactly how, or why. It was a feeling, an impression – something as tangible as it was inexplicable.

She thought about the flute. Notes, playing her, caressing her…maybe life is like that she thought? Like a million melodies playing at the same time, some harmonizing with each other. Those where the people you felt you belonged to, were part of. Maybe the whole universe was made up of sounds, of notes echoing out into eternity, never really disappearing, just reappearing in another melody. And when you met melodies you harmonized with, you felt stronger, as two voices sing louder than one. You felt at home, understood – as if the spices finally matched up, creating the perfect harmony, the perfect cake. And maybe, just maybe, you heard the melody before it entered? You were drawn, as if by magic, to the people and the places that would harmonize with you?

She felt a wind swirling in from underneath the doors and the spices twirled up into her face. His spices. She looked up in wonder.

The doors opened. “Hi,” he said.

Some melodies enter our life for a little while. They belong to one verse. Others stay forever as they are part of our refrain, if not every verse. They suit a part of us, as we suit a part of them. We play together, sing together to find strength. Together we move mountains. Others are part of our entire melody, whether they play near you, or far away. As their notes echo out into eternity, they touch you, caress you, alert you, warn you, love you…they are always there for you. Their music grows stronger when they are closer in their minds and hearts, but the music never stops. As one, you will always play together, whether you know it or not. You are in this life together. Without each other you wouldn’t be. Yet, you may never meet each other. Your hands may never touch, your smiles never be recognized, but should you, you will know. On some level or another you will always hear the music.

THE END (…of Chapter II…)

To the notes I play with, the winds I fly with. You are me, my life and every verse of it.

Magic…

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When the wind is blowing in the opposite direction…

Nothing’s ever perfect. I keep being reminded of the part in The Alchemist where the boy arrives in Africa and loses his money on the first night. He’s on a quest to get to Egypt and he has just lost all his savings, he can’t even return to Spain. He realizes he has a choice – he can either see it as a complete failure, or as the beginning of an even more daring adventure than he could ever have dreamed of. The boy chooses to see it as an adventure. He then proceeds to get a job polishing glass and he helps the shop owner by introducing serving tea to the customers. He spends years polishing glass. I’m sure it wasn’t easy, but we all have a choice: greet the sun with a smile in the morning, or proceed to look at the sun with envy as we ourselves hide in the shadows.

You can shift your mind about almost anything and you can choose to accept that your adventure is now. That doesn’t stop some things from being difficult to the point where you’re almost completely depleted. The point is, if you keep looking to the sun as part of you, sooner, rather than later, it will return.

Last fall was not a happy time for me. I had left what I felt were some of the most joyous, secure parts of my life – my two best friends, the city I loved and the first home I’d ever had that felt like a home – our gorgeous chalet in the Hollywood Hills. I no longer fell asleep watching the stars and the twinkling lights of Los Angeles. I no longer drove to Malibu in the weekends to jump through the waves. The sun that I so adored, seemed far, far away. There was one point when I was struggling at work (and given I work for my business partner, who is also the investor for my dream company, that was not easy), I had a rash from the cold and felt about as sexy as a burnt toast (I’m not made for winter, pointe blanc), I had found out some friends were potentially ill (and I don’t mean with the flu), I had absolutely no desire to date anyone, my social life was a mess as I was still new in town, my back was as my back is – aching and causing headaches, I felt drained, tired…I lost weight (not for lack of eating, but because my body was just drained), I looked like hell. I knew though, I knew that in LA I had been on top of my game, so there was a place inside where everything was well. It was just a matter of transforming that to the outside.

It took all my strength to turn things around, because let’s face it: when shit hits the fan it’s not like your energy levels are on top and you are ready to play the game of your life, but that’s exactly when you have to play the game of your life. That’s part of the adventure; the trials of the hero.

For me the most difficult part was probably worrying about a friend, but what completely drained me was work, because every day I’d make a new mistake, fret about my future and be completely exhausted by the end of it. It’s easy to say let go of your worries, but when nothing seems to be going your way and you feel like each day you get a new bucket of ice water thrown in your face and you’re not sure how to reach any of your goals, it doesn’t come across as all that easy. I was lucky. I had a fucking strong spiritual core that I kept returning to – a place of love – but whereas in LA that would take me five minutes to get to, here it could take me five hours and last for five seconds (great sex right there…).

Today when I look at my life I look at a smiling boss and business partner who has finally agreed the go-ahead of our company (I mean it was already incorporated, but that means very little without the dough) – once they find a replacement for me in his other company it’s go (well, part-time go…my salary from my company isn’t exactly erm, high). I look at my social life and I feel joy and peace. I look at working with a project that supports kids in London and South Africa and I feel like walking on clouds…a twelve year dream finally starting to materialize. I look at potential dates and I smile. I look at someone in the mirror who’s dancing and twirling forwards with dimples in her cheeks.

Today, you see at a woman who is living her dream, feeling sexier, sassier and happier than ever…but she was living her dream a couple of months ago too. It just wasn’t the pretty stuff…but it was the stuff that makes for a good story, a good adventure. And maybe it could have been different, maybe it could have been easier if I had been on a higher level of spirituality, or higher up the mountain, what have you, but we all start from somewhere and then we climb. I got furious at myself at times thinking I was making the same mistakes all over again, but clearly I hadn’t yet learnt how not to make them. You have to be nice to yourself.

What turns things around in life? In stories of great adventure it’s usually a dashing Prince, or Princess (or Jester, I stick by that one, LOL) isn’t it? Or it’s the ticket that flies in through the window and you realize that you are soon to be jetting off to Africa… Or it’s winning the lottery…or getting the dream job as if by magic.

In life I think the real turning point is love. It’s a place of love in your heart, where you allow for the magic to happen. It’s the desire to change things around, coming from that place and acting from that place. If you live in that space of free flow, of intuition and love…life does change bit, by bit, by bit. Sometimes over night, but often after many small steps of love. That doesn’t fool-proof you from storms, it just teaches you how to fly a bit better and a bit higher than before on a day-to-day basis.

So once again: love peeps. May it flow in abundance and may you have the strength to find it when life is rough and the dream of tomorrow seems far away. Even when you cry, may you love so that gates are opened for more love to enter, to heal you and move you to safe harbours.

You are always a heartbeat from anywhere: open your heart and be ready to fly when the right wind sweeps by…and it always will, you just have to have patience for it to come round and make the wind chimes chime…

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The parody of life, the beauty and the…uhm…blowjobs…

I got this email today: “Dear Sir or Madam, Please take me off your emailing list with immediate effect. I am sick of you.” Is it just me or should the person make up their mind whether to be polite, or an asshole? Confusing. Someone else informed me via Facebook that happiness is always an inside job…and I who always thought it was a blowjob. Even more confusing. And that’s the thing with life: it can be confusing. So fucking confusing you’d need to get fucked just to forget your confusion for a while….but then there’s the confusing bit about love and finding the right men…I mean man…and uhm good sex…

I was messaging with a friend of mine today and her newborn baby was just awakening on her chest as she was writing to me. As I later sat on the bus this suddenly sprung to mind. Or to be precise: what sprung to mind was the feeling of how you watch over a new life filled with compassion because you know what it feels like to wake up, to fall asleep, to fall in love, to lose loved ones, to fail at something, to succeed, to laugh till your belly hurts, to cry till you think you have nothing left inside, to dance like the world is your oyster…if so only for the night. You know, so you feel. You feel for them as if they were you. Especially children as they are absolutely unprotected, or guarded from us by fear or thinking patterns. They are just there, looking with big eyes at a very fresh world.

Moments after this came to mind I gave up my seat to an older lady, simply because I know what tired feet feel like (and because my granddad would jump down from heaven to kick my butt if I didn’t behave with decency towards others).

We act with compassion towards each other; with understanding and sympathy simply because we know. We know what it feels like. Even if we are different and some of us feel pain in different places from others, or fall in love with different things, we all know. We all know pain and we all know love. We know laughter and tears….and making love, of course. We hold onto each other and support one another through life because we know what life feels like, so if that’s the only thing we know. Because we may know what life feels like, but life itself is often confusing.

The day I decided I could have kids because I knew enough about life, was the day I realized I know nothing and life is an experience, not an accomplishment. Yes, we are here to grow and learn…but we know so little. So long as we do our best, we love, we enjoy…we are successful. What life throws you at any given moment is impossible to know. To take a deep breath and lovingly and, erm, preferably with a good sense of humor, deal with any given circumstance is truly success. To apply your knowledge from the past yes, but also realize that what you know is always limited…unless for the heart, of course…I always believe that the heart and your soul’s connection with life somehow knows…but it knows without you knowing. You just open the door and you get the answer (sometimes in a rather weird way), but how, or why, or what…who knows?

Sometimes I try to figure it all out. I think about things. I think for so long I don’t act. That’s why my new motto is “maybe”. I will surrender to every moment and try things out. I will follow my heart….so if it goes in ten different directions. Because hell, I don’t understand myself…I have patterns, thoughts, behaviors that are down right ridiculous and if I think…I end up acting out the same story all over again. I’m the flakiest person you’d ever come across when it comes to the men I meet for example. I can hardly commit to a date – if I think about it, there’s always something wrong. That’s how bad I am. Once I love someone though, I’m loyal for life. My best friend told me the other week that if I she was a man, she’d just marry me, because no matter what, I’m there for the men I’ve once fallen for. As tragic as I think this is, hopefully one day one man can appreciate that….once he’s battled my five thousand dragons to get to my heart that is…that I’m of course now willingly giving away to the right man…erm. You see…if I think about this, I will not go near men. I just get confused and back off. Unless they knock me down, I’m gone. So I won’t think. I’ll just do. Surrender. Let go. Fly with whatever’s there.

So yes peeps…life’s confusing, but we are here to experience it and if that’s how you see it I, personally, think it becomes beautiful. Especially if you surrender to the moment, because then you have very little time to miss lovers lost, or erm ahem California, or your most precious gran or grandpa… We’re here to live. To be there for each other. To reach out to one another. To support each other through this most magical thing called life. May love be with you. Always.

Precisely: live the love…although apparently happiness is an inside job, so don’t think you can solve your man’s problem’s this way…LOL!

 

 

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Sex…yes, no, wait, maybe?!?!

The place was cozy – big colorful cushions, lanterns reflecting all kinds of colors, the lights not too intruding, but rather husky and comforting and the place itself small enough to host only a dozen tables, with people sitting on sofas rather than chairs. It was a Lebanese restaurant with that typical feel of the Middle East, or Morocco. It’s the kind of place you can find in London if you manage to find the small door leading in there, in an otherwise over crowded neighborhood filled with people, bars and bike cabs. It was in other words a perfectly normal place in a perfectly normal town on a perfectly normal Saturday night. Apart from being 2012 no one was predicting the end of the world that particular night.

Even though no one had predicted the end of the world, I decided to bring it up….potentially influenced by my own blogs and thoughts from last week. I mean, why not? So, sitting sipping tea in SoHo with my friend I decided to ask him what he would do if this was either our only night together, or the last night of our lives? What would be different, if anything? Does circumstance really affect us? Would we run around town, sing along with the clocks of the Big Ben, dance like crazy people in night clubs, or just sit there sipping wine and tea?

Well, you know, the answer is of course, after exhausting our phone books with “I love you” calls, we’d have sex. I mean, wouldn’t you? OK, maybe not with anyone, but you know what I mean?! Attractive single friend, last night of the world…I think that’s when the phrase “I’m easy” is perfectly suitable. I mean are you gonna play difficult if you have 24hrs to live? I kinda reserve that to the rest of my life. And that’s just it. I do play it very difficult at times.

Normally I only say yes to challenges; things that force me to run after them, solving problems along the way and what have you. Things that keep my mind busy and give me enough adrenaline kicks to keep me going. Things that keep me engaged and constantly addicted to victory; to winning a fight. If something is served on a plate I refuse to eat it, because I sit contemplating all the other things I could eat if I wasn’t eating that. Besides, just chewing what’s served on a plate in front of you doesn’t come with any adrenaline kicks, or the sweet smell of victory either.

Of course when it comes to men it’s not all about challenges – there are also the men who make you surrender without you lifting a finger. I have been known to fall for a few of those. The kind whose power over you (plain masculine force that is) is stronger than your power to say no…and suddenly you surrender and it’s the best feeling in the world…as you are as high as anything on some sort of hormonal kick. Only you kind of forgot to check what you were surrendering to, so you end up heartbroken all the same.

So my conclusion after a night in SoHo that didn’t turn out to be the end of the world is that…well I have to start saying maybe to things. Even if the platter is served rather than me chasing it up the Himalayan mountains, I’m gonna have to try. Close my eyes, take a bite and see what happens, instead of fretting about all the other available plates out there. I have to surrender to the moment as if it was the last night of the world. I have to let go of my own inhibitions, fears and what have you and allow myself to enjoy what is. Besides, taking one bite doesn’t mean you have to commit to something for a lifetime. It’s just one bite. And really if you don’t take a bite you will never know what you could be missing out on…whereas I never take a bite thinking I’ll be missing out on everything else. (And this goes for everything in life, men is just one part of it…and as for men: taking a bite does not mean having sex people…explore the possibility and the energy between you and potential dates, yes. And let’s face it: energy is important. Look into David Deida’s work if you want to know what I mean. However, I’m still convinced that if you go for sex first you may fall more in love with your own hormones than the person at hand. My conclusion that the only way of knowing if someone is right for you is if you long to spend your time with them all the time, still stands. If you aren’t best friends, what’s the point?)

I’ve simply decided to take control over my own heart and surrender to goodness. The time has come to give myself my own adrenaline kicks rather than waiting for surroundings, or men, to provide them for me. Because when you surrender to the moment is when you start to truly live. It’s hard. It’s fucking hard to surrender to anything because of fears, what ifs and opportunity cost (especially opportunity cost)…but it’s the only way to reach bliss. Hopefully there will still be some force though. Masculine energy is so kind of like indulgent if you know what I mean…

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