Knowing whom to make love to when…

It's not about the surfers, it's about the luuurve...

Disclaimer: inappropriate jokes about God (I think we came with a sense of humor for a purpose) and other profanities.

Maybe I should become a nun? That way I’d always get unconditional love, but I believe in monogamy and God seems to have a harem. It’s kind of like marrying a bottle of wine – you’ll get constant drunken happiness, but nothing much more. You can fall asleep next to the bottle, but it won’t hug you in the morning. It’s like marrying a police officer thinking you’ll be safe – well you’ll be safe from thiefs, but not from the officer himself. Who knows? He might be a criminal specializing in love affairs?

We have to know our priorities, or we will end up making love to the things we like, instead of what we would truly love…or we end up having sex instead of making love, even if it is love we seek…

I evaluated my life a little while ago and came to the conclusion that my career comes first. Doing what I love and making a good living from it, getting involved with charity work with kids in Africa and having enough time in my spare time to build my artistic portfolio – acting, directing, writing, photography. Second came finding love in my personal life and keeping up a good social environment. Thirdly came living somewhere I love, or at least spending a lot of time in a place I love. Having my priorities clear made making decisions and sticking to them very easy from then on (do not fall on your back for every random surfer you meet…if you are a man trying to stick to the making love thing: watch out for the playboy bunnies…I’ve heard they are tempting…).

Priorities is also about more simple things like where do I spend my leisure money and where would I love to spend them? What’s the things I enjoy the most? Do I save up for travels, buy Louis Vuitton (I stole my Louis Vuitton bag – someone had left it in a cupboard where I used to live…it’s more or less antique, but I love it…), spa days, exercise, eating out, etc. Dancing is high up on my list, the highest after social engagements with friends. So I’ll want to spend my money on dance classes, which means I will think twice before eating out from now on, or order something small.

We may not be able to have it all, but I think there is always a way of doing what you love one way or another. If you love to act you don’t have to be a Hollywood star, you can just put on a play. Everything takes a bit of creativity if you don’t have cash (well maybe not love…that seems to be free of cost) but it is possible if you are prepared to invest time and energy into it. Basically you just have to make it a priority.

Priorities change with the years – you may prioritize money now so you can go off and make a movie for a year, or spend more time with your family in the future. Just bear in mind also that life is in the now and you have to live it to the full in every moment, no matter what you choose to focus on.

Basically, priorities is a way of simplifying life and magnifying what you need to do when so that you have a chance of making love to life as often as possible.

Here is the process I used to get clear on career and I added a number of questions as I was coaching someone else regarding their career choice:

1) WHAT ARE YOUR MAIN PRIORITIES IN LIFE RIGHT NOW? WHAT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO ACHIEVE?

LIST THEM, THEN ORDER THEM IN THE NUMBER OF IMPORTANCE TO YOU.

(EXAMPLES: GREAT HEALTH, MONEY IN THE BANK, A BETTER RELATIONSHIP WITH MY SPOUSE, SELF-CONFIDENCE, MOVING HOUSES, ETC…)

2) WHAT ARE YOUR VALUES IN LIFE? WHAT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU IN LIFE?

(EXAMPLES: ADVENTURE, PLAYFULNESS, LOVE, JOY, SPIRITUALITY, FREEDOM, INTEGRITY, ETC…)

3) WHO ARE YOU COMMITTED TO BEING? IS THERE ANYTHING I NEED TO DO RIGHT NOW TO BE THAT PERSON ALWAYS?

(EXAMPLES: SOMEONE WHO ALWAYS DOES HIS/HER BEST WHILST LIVING A LIFE FILLED WITH PLAYFUL ADVENTURE, SOMEONE WHO IS ABSOLUTELY 100% DEDICATED TO MY PURPOSE IN LIFE WHILST STILL INCORPORATING A GREAT SOCIAL LIFE AND A LOVING RELATIONSHIP, SOMEONE WHO WITH INTEGRITY AND HONESTY LIVE EVERY DAY LIKE IT WAS THE LAST WITH NO REGRETS AND AN OPEN HEART, ETC….WRITE AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE, THEN YOU MAY FIND YOU CAN FIND A SHORTER PHRASE THAT SUMS IT ALL UP.)

4) WHY DID YOU CHOOSE THE THING YOU ARE DOING NOW CAREER WISE?

5) WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR CAREER NOW NOW?

6) WHAT’S YOUR EDUCATION?

7) WHAT DO YOU KNOW REALLY WELL? WHAT ARE YOU GOOD AT?

8) WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?

9) WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE THINGS TO DO/PASSIONS?

10) IF YOU WERE TO CELEBRATE YOUR 95TH BDAY, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAY YOU ARE THANKFUL FOR? WHAT WOULD YOUR SPEECH BE ABOUT? WHAT WOULD YOUR BEST FRIEND’S SPEECH SAY ABOUT YOU? WRITE BOTH SPEECHES – YOURS AND YOUR FRIEND’S!

11) WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN FIVE YEARS IF YOU KEEP GOING DOWN THE SAME PATH AS NOW (HONESTLY)?

12) WHAT’S GOOD WITH THAT?

13) WHAT’S BAD WITH THAT?

14) WHERE WOULD YOU TRULY LIKE TO BE?

15) WHAT WOULD YOU TRULY LOVE TO DO?

16) WHY?

17) WHAT’S STOPPING YOU FROM DOING THAT RIGHT NOW?

18) HOW ARE YOU SPENDING YOUR TIME RIGHT NOW?

19) HOW SHOULD YOU BE SPENDING YOUR TIME RIGHT NOW TO ACHIEVE WHAT YOU TRULY WANT TO ACHIEVE?

20) WHAT COULD YOU BE DOING EVERY DAY TO MOVE IN THAT DIRECTION?

21) HOW CAN YOU TURN IT FROM DREAM TO REALITY?

22) WHAT ARE YOU NOW COMMITTED TO DOING TO GET TO WHERE YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO BE NOW?

23) GENERAL QUESTIONS YOU MAY WANT TO PONDER:

CASH – WHAT DO I EARN RIGHT NOW? HOW CAN I EARN MORE? WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO BE ABLE TO SAVE UP MONEY TO INVEST/LEAD THE LIFE OF MY DREAMS? RIGHT NOW? IN 6 MONTHS? IN A YEAR? IN TWO YEARS? IN THREE YEARS?

I want sex baby, now…

If you ask someone what they want in life, they will list a number of different things – like doggie, the missionary, BJs…fame and fortune. My belief though, is what they all want is to feel good – they just have different ideas of what will make them feel good. For me, recently, it has become increasingly obvious that love is the answer to just about any question, including what will make you feel good, because love makes you feel good more so than anything else, doesn’t it?

 

If you think about it….just really do think about it for a while: What you want in life is not things, or places, or people, is it? It’s how they make you feel. It’s the feeling, not the thing you are dreaming of. You want the chemical reaction that whatever thing/person, produced in you (which is often self-induced, as it was you creating a opinon about something, dreaming up a reality that wasn’t quite real).

 

People are scared of love, because they are scared of how they will feel if they get it and then lose it. When they don’t have it, they are walking instead of flying, but if they get it they will fly and if they lose it…well, they will crash. They are likely to survive the crash, but it will take some time till they get back to walking properly again. The ones that can’t walk properly in the first place usually retorts to foods, drugs, sex, fame, attention, etc. to keep themselves somewhat upright.

 

If we have love in our hearts we fly. We are no longer addicted to people, places, foods, drugs, etc. because we can fly without it (and remember: most things are self-induced anyway – it wasn’t the thing/person that made you feel something, it was your opinion about it/them. That’s why a closed heart can’t see love even if it’s being showered with it, unless somehow the love slowly cracks it open. It is also why some people are happy with very little things and others aren’t happy no matter how much they have – their satisfactory level is self-induced.). It becomes a much nicer flight if you are in a place you love, doing what you love, fed by what you love, surrounded by people who love you – that’s kind of like being given an extra set of wings, but regardless, you won’t crash if they disappear.

 

The cool thing is that if you have love in your heart, you will pick up on what you love around you and you will move forward in life towards what you love, constantly increasing the love factor. Even when things go tits up, you will keep looking for the love in it and embrace it, as well as new things that you love rather than sit mourning your loss forever. When your focus is on love, you simply can’t be sad for long.

 

I used to get upset thinking that there is so much that needs to be done in this world for everyone to live a nice life. Then, the other day I realized, that all we have to do is love. Where there is love there will be no greed, no need to put others down, no need for ego, no need for angry words, or weapons to “gain respect”…there will, on the other hand, be a great urge to help others, because if you love someone it is because you have let them into your heart and if they are in your heart, you will not want them to suffer. (The first, basic kind of love I believe is to have understanding for someone, put yourself in their position and thereby feel compassion and love.)

 

People think the world is made up of politicians and business owners, but they are made up of people. No one can get anywhere without votes, or sales. You can remove the ruler from the throne, but you can do nothing without the support of the people. For centuries people have been won over by fear, but it would be much easier to win people over with love. Make someone feel good and they will happily be supporting you, granted you keep making them feel good. If the love isn’t pure, that won’t happen. Of course there are people addicted to abuse because of their past, but that’s a habit and not truly what their hearts want, so usually love will not only win them over, but also break their negative patterns as they learn to love themselves.

 

No one else rules the world – we all rule the world. You can’t save the world on your own, but you can instigate change. All you have to do is love. 

 

I have never before realized how much power I have in my hands, as every time I talk to someone, unless they are in a complete place of love, where nothing affects them much, I am responsible for how I make them feel. My words and actions can make or break their day, or at least add up to their day. I’ve never been one for showing affection to all and everyone, as shyness and fear of humiliation have governed my decisions, but now my world is slowly changing. When I have love in my heart, I care less for whether they appreciate my love or not as I’m flying regardless. I care more about the chance I have of making someone feel good. Even on days when I’m not flying I can achieve this by keeping the potential of making someone else feel good more important than my own fear. Every time I interact with someone I have a chance to make them feel good, which is likely to result in them walking off making someone else feel good, who will make someone else feel good, who will…

 

We are all on a very important mission peeps and I’m not talking the missionary, although then you can make someone feel REALLY good…not as good as if you in every way show them that you love them though…and you can get really inventive with that…but just to love is a start…

Impossible is nothing…

Yes, that’s an adidas slogan, I know. My dad used to tell me that if you really want to you can eat a brick. He also taught me that asking for money from the state, unless you really need to, isn’t a good idea. He said that if you truly want a job, you will get one, so if it’s mopping the floor in your local grocery store. Then he’d proceed to a lecture about the work attitude in Sweden compared to the one in China. In Sweden it’s quite possible to be paid for being unemployed because you can’t find work that you want you get paid for your unemployment (although it’s gotten harder in recent years). In China you don’t get paid to be at home because there is no work that you want, so you just take what’s available. He also taught me that you should go for it – aim for the top of the mountain and that there are no excuses why not to get there. Second place is no place.

Everyone I talked to in London when I got here, pretty much, told me that getting a job now is close to impossible. In less than a week I have been offered two jobs and have interviews for four other today and let me tell you, I didn’t hand out more than 40 odd CVs (that’s resumes for you Americans =). I don’t know if I am being lucky, if I happen to have what they are looking for, or if getting work in London isn’t too hard after all. Not if you go for what you think is available. Have I been paid a lot more before? Yes. Am I going to sulk about it? No. Would I rather make a gazillion dollars from my own biz? Yes. Is that going to happen right this instant? No.

It’s so easy to get stagnant – if I am not going to the top of Everest, I will not move. Well, sometimes we have to walk up Kilimanjaro first. It may not be Everest, but it’s a mountain nonetheless and to have gotten to the top of one mountain is a hell of a lot better than sitting at the bottom of another. Sometimes you may even find that the view from that mountain is preferable. If nothing else, it will prepare you for the climb to the higher mountain.

I, for one, have wanted to get to the top of Everest when it comes to work and I have refused Kilimanjaro. I never learnt how to think small – I get an idea for a company and before counting to ten, I have developed the company, come up with five other great services to offer and turned it into a conglomerate. Great ideas. Absolutely impossible to get to unless you have dough.

I’m a Leo. They say we sneer at things we think are below us, but as a wise man said a couple of thousand of years ago: it’s the server that will enter the Kingdom, not the one asking for services.

Learning to be humble is an art. Learning to learn from whatever is on your plate and not wanting to have the most incredible thing ever to start off with, is an art. Think about it: you sit there praying, meditating and dreaming of the day you will be acting against Leo Di Caprio (mmmmmm). You are offered great parts in smaller movies by friends, but you refuse as you have a good Agent and you want to be available if a Di Caprio movie (or similar) comes along. Who says that the smaller movies wouldn’t have gotten you to the bigger one? Who says you wouldn’t learn what you needed to learn to get the better part? Who says that the little indie can’t become a blockbuster? Who says that meeting a young Director today won’t give you a part in a multi-million dollar production five years from now, when the Director has gotten established? Who says that going for gold won’t bring you diamonds in the end? For sure if you are going for nothing, you are a lot less likely to get diamonds in the end.

Speaking of going for the top of a mountain – isn’t it funny how we live our whole life as a judgment? If you got a step up the mountain today, you feel good. If someone pushed you a step down, or you fell, you feel bad. If you go out with someone you judge how well you did at the date. If you fail in any respect, or things just aren’t going your way it’s bad. It hurts. Because then we feel imperfect, so we feel unworthy of our own love. Only when life happens to take us up Everest do we feel good about ourselves. When we think life is showing us how perfect we are, we feel good. No one is better or worse than you, people have just been raised differently and therefore make different decisions in their lives.

My best friend, not so jokingly said to another friend the other week: “No, she will succeed, because she will kill herself if she doesn’t. So she will succeed alright.” I almost choked on my hot chocolate. Since last fall, when I met someone who wanted to kill themselves unless they succeeded, my grandest work on myself has been to live for what is, not for what I want to be. Apparently I haven’t succeeded all that well (see, I’m failing. Horrors! Bring on the punishment – three days in the torture chamber for dizzy blonde…NOT).

How many football players do you think, during the world cup, were, inside their minds alternating: “I did that well *I’m happy* I screwed that up *I’m bad*” every two or three minutes and had mood swings thereafter? And how many did just have a blast playing a game they love to play? You can still evaluate, but just imagine having fun all the time, how awesome wouldn’t that be?

My best friend may or may not become famous. She may or may not become rich. She may or may not marry her Prince. She may or may not stay beautiful till the day she’s a hundred and two. Will I like her less or more because of this? No. I love her just the way she is. Would I love myself more or less if I achieved the above though? Yeah, probably. Would I be jealous of her if she achieved more than me? Yeah, probably. Not because I wouldn’t want her to have that, but because I’d judge myself in comparison. It’s hard to love others when you aren’t loving yourself. I don’t want that to be the case though, so I’m trying to stop being a judge and start being a lover. I want to enjoy myself every day, I want to enjoy life every day, not waste time feeling miserable and hurt if I’m not on top of everything. Especially as no matter how high I go, I can probably go higher, so I will forever judge myself. Judgment doesn’t stop just because you reach a benchmark – it stays with you for life unless you become a lover.

If I think about one day having a man in my life and kids, I get ashamed, because I know I will treat them as I treat myself to some extent and I wouldn’t want that. I wouldn’t want to be jealous of them if they achieved more than me and I wouldn’t want to judge them and their lives as I judge myself. I want them to be happy. I want them to feel like a million dollars every single day of their lives. So shouldn’t I want that for myself? There’s nothing stopping me really, I can just shove the judge out the door and start loving myself right now. I can make love to life every single second of every single day. It seems tricky, but after all, if there is one thing that I know well, it’s that impossible is nothing.

I found a song…

So I have been absolutely obsessed with Kings + Queens by 30 Seconds To Mars since I stumbled across it last week. This amazes me, because it was a loooong time since I found a new song that I like that much and it makes me quite happy, because someone out there managed to create something I love. Without that person/those people I wouldn’t have that experience. It’s rather beautiful, isn’t it?

When I hear a song I love, lyrics I like, when I see a performance I enjoy, a film I marvel at, when I read a poem I adore, a book I devour…when I feel that somehow someone is portraying life the way I see it, or they open my eyes to something I was looking for, then I long to talk to the person(s)…  I guess I’d like to get to know them because I believe they’d see me. Not just throw a glimpse in my direction, but truly see me. Understand me. I think that’s what we all long for, isn’t it? To be truly understood. And maybe also to understand.

I’ve always been the odd one out. For a while I tried dying my hair red to prove it, but I came to the conclusion I was just as bad as someone always wearing label clothes – I was trying to distinguish myself. Show that I did not belong to a certain group of people and that I belonged to another (the misfits, rebels, crazy ones, bohemians, what have you). I also came to realize that even the ones that were so different from me, in the ground and bottom (as we say in Sweden) are just the same. We are people.

We were born into this life as human beings you and me. We were, if you so like, an empty slate, or a piece of clay. Then life formed us. Some grew up to certain beliefs, others to other beliefs. It’s almost like we were an empty bowl and then life got poured into us. Our bowl keeps getting filled up as we age. The more filled up we get with ideas and concepts, the blinder we get. We judge instead of look. Not consciously so much as unconsciously (anyone read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, or just about anything by a good mentalist?). We see someone and we like them, or dislike them. We like a piece of clothing, a place, a thing, or we don’t like it. Most of us don’t really stop and ask ourselves why – we  just judge. Depending on which side of the border we were born, we are fighting a different war.

As a kid I used to feel sad because I felt hollow. I kept thinking: “all I am are my actions and I can choose how to act, so all I am is nothing.” This used to upset me, but now it quiet excites me, because at least potentially I have a choice – potentially I can choose what I want to have in my bowl. Maybe there are certain attributes I was born with. Maybe it’s in my genes to paint and dance and write and make movies and run businesses…I really don’t know, but at least most of the bowl was empty.

So about the choice of what to pour in one’s bowl… Maybe the mind can move mountains, I don’t yet know. I don’t know if we can choose to be whom we want to be, if we all get the “epiphany” at some point that we can take charge and mould ourselves into whatever takes our fancy (refill our bowls or empty them, what have you). Or if our own “moulding” is still a result of our experiences up until then (i.e. we decide to change/take charge only because an event occurred that gave us this idea). And even if we decide to take charge I don’t know if we can be truly in charge, because I don’t know if I, or my influences, are stronger. All around us we have this vast amount of influences: other people, the media, nature, the planets/stars, food, politics…not to mention every friggin event that ever happened to us as a child. I keep wondering if we can step out of all of that and just be? Be human?

You can make a man forget his whole life, yet he is still a man.

We fall in love with personalities. With peoples’ beliefs. Yet, by the end of the day, we go back to being energy. Wouldn’t it be nice for once to just be? Be instead of being something or someone?

We put so much energy into our goals and dreams, yet we do not know where they are taking us. We just know that our bowl got filled with some ideas when were kids and we are told that we should follow them. We fall in love and we feel stupid for falling out of love. We feel stupid, because our minds were closed when we went into it. We weren’t exploring, we were hoping. We did not see, we only saw what we wanted to see. And we stated how good we were for going there. How great our new adventure, business, partner, idea felt. We did not just say we were exploring something. We made a statement. About happiness. About being a good person. About achievement. About who we are because of it. And when things changed, we felt bad. We felt stupid. Yet all we were doing was to learn. It’s only we were brought up to believe we have come to find happiness and love and success…and if we fail, heaven help us – we are bad.

The enlightened have often said that life changes. The best we can do is keep up with our own reactions. See what they are, how we would like them to be. Fuel ourselves with love to grow into always having the reactions we like. Because life will happen and the only thing you can potentially control, is your own reactions to it.

It’s funny. I used to fight for change. I used to get so angry when I reacted to life in unfavorable ways. Now I accept. I accept that in that moment, for whatever reason, I feel hindered in doing what I would like to do. React how I would like to react. I accept it. And by accepting it, instead of fighting it, I let go of it. And in that moment there is movement. The acceptance allows the cemented behavior to soften up and allowing me to react differently. I guess the content of my bowl is no longer in charge of the bowl. I can just be. Be human.

So about that song…maybe I like it because something in Leto’s bowl represents something in mine…who knows? I might not have an as empty bowl as I would like, but I think he’s right in that “we were the Kings and Queens of promise…” In fact, I believe we still are. We have so much potential. We have built cities, airplanes, rockets… Maybe right now the world is in a place that’s not so cool. Our bowl has been filled with a fair amount of pollution, negativity, greed and corruption. Yet, compared to 1943, I think we are doing pretty damn well. And I hope that we can all see each other for what we are – bowls filled with experience…I mean humans…

The song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMX3qv1N37s

How we are affected by life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyQjr1YL0zg