A game of desire…

They say wisdom begins in wonder and I believe this to be quite true as when we marvel at something, we want to find out more. I think many things also begin with desire and passion, which makes it quite an incredible, wonderful and delicious world! Because what’s more lovely than being pulled by your true desires, your heart’s longing, whilst marveling at wonders?

Passion, as a friend of mine pointed out, also means to suffer. That’s what the word stems from. And if you have ever felt passion, ever longed for something, someone, or to do something with all your heart, I’m sure you know what I mean. You are driven by a pull so strong nothing stands in your way (meaning you will move mountains if you have to), but that often means you work harder, you are taken on journeys you could never dream of…you leave comfort behind, you have to run before you can walk, you fall a hundred times and get up a hundred and one…you simply travel far to reach your desired destinations and the journeys are sometimes coated in pain. If nothing else the pain you feel at not being at the destination already. Your desires constantly aching in your heart, pulling you along.

Desire can also prove to come from places you knew not. It was not your heart, but something else which created the desire. If so, it will lead you astray. Your destination will be a temporary fix, not the pleasurable place of love you imagined. Much like a drug it will numb something else. Some other part of you which is aching. We all know highs lead to lows. If you are seeking highs, you walk on clouds which will not hold you.

Desire and passion are marvelous things when they come from the heart. When the purpose behind our actions stem from love and when we don’t allow the passion to become an ache pulling us towards our destination, but rather a loving interaction with the moment…allowing ourselves to live our passion rather than hunt it. If nothing else, because what we hunt often escapes us. Walk towards something and be open for it to meet you, to enter your heart….which is where it came from to start off with. It’s as if we are chasing parts of ourselves, not just soul mates, but soul pursuits, soul destinations.

To live your heart’s true desires, to allow them to be manifested through your actions, is to open your heart and live the love. That’s the path. The only path I’ve discovered that lessens the pain and fills you with a sense of purpose, happiness, passion and ever increasing desire, without that nudge of pain. You are no longer running towards your dreams, trying to escape your past, your present, or your own core of suffering, your own wounds. You are living your desire in the moment. You have a purpose, but it’s in the now, even if that now is creating a path to the future.

Wonder is being amazed by the moment, pursuing something beyond the moment, but still in the moment. I mean sex isn’t just about the orgasm, right? Play the game of desire wisely: marvel at every step…and may each step be driven by wonder!

 Make your moves wisely…let them be led by love…

When the wind is blowing in the opposite direction…

Nothing’s ever perfect. I keep being reminded of the part in The Alchemist where the boy arrives in Africa and loses his money on the first night. He’s on a quest to get to Egypt and he has just lost all his savings, he can’t even return to Spain. He realizes he has a choice – he can either see it as a complete failure, or as the beginning of an even more daring adventure than he could ever have dreamed of. The boy chooses to see it as an adventure. He then proceeds to get a job polishing glass and he helps the shop owner by introducing serving tea to the customers. He spends years polishing glass. I’m sure it wasn’t easy, but we all have a choice: greet the sun with a smile in the morning, or proceed to look at the sun with envy as we ourselves hide in the shadows.

You can shift your mind about almost anything and you can choose to accept that your adventure is now. That doesn’t stop some things from being difficult to the point where you’re almost completely depleted. The point is, if you keep looking to the sun as part of you, sooner, rather than later, it will return.

Last fall was not a happy time for me. I had left what I felt were some of the most joyous, secure parts of my life – my two best friends, the city I loved and the first home I’d ever had that felt like a home – our gorgeous chalet in the Hollywood Hills. I no longer fell asleep watching the stars and the twinkling lights of Los Angeles. I no longer drove to Malibu in the weekends to jump through the waves. The sun that I so adored, seemed far, far away. There was one point when I was struggling at work (and given I work for my business partner, who is also the investor for my dream company, that was not easy), I had a rash from the cold and felt about as sexy as a burnt toast (I’m not made for winter, pointe blanc), I had found out some friends were potentially ill (and I don’t mean with the flu), I had absolutely no desire to date anyone, my social life was a mess as I was still new in town, my back was as my back is – aching and causing headaches, I felt drained, tired…I lost weight (not for lack of eating, but because my body was just drained), I looked like hell. I knew though, I knew that in LA I had been on top of my game, so there was a place inside where everything was well. It was just a matter of transforming that to the outside.

It took all my strength to turn things around, because let’s face it: when shit hits the fan it’s not like your energy levels are on top and you are ready to play the game of your life, but that’s exactly when you have to play the game of your life. That’s part of the adventure; the trials of the hero.

For me the most difficult part was probably worrying about a friend, but what completely drained me was work, because every day I’d make a new mistake, fret about my future and be completely exhausted by the end of it. It’s easy to say let go of your worries, but when nothing seems to be going your way and you feel like each day you get a new bucket of ice water thrown in your face and you’re not sure how to reach any of your goals, it doesn’t come across as all that easy. I was lucky. I had a fucking strong spiritual core that I kept returning to – a place of love – but whereas in LA that would take me five minutes to get to, here it could take me five hours and last for five seconds (great sex right there…).

Today when I look at my life I look at a smiling boss and business partner who has finally agreed the go-ahead of our company (I mean it was already incorporated, but that means very little without the dough) – once they find a replacement for me in his other company it’s go (well, part-time go…my salary from my company isn’t exactly erm, high). I look at my social life and I feel joy and peace. I look at working with a project that supports kids in London and South Africa and I feel like walking on clouds…a twelve year dream finally starting to materialize. I look at potential dates and I smile. I look at someone in the mirror who’s dancing and twirling forwards with dimples in her cheeks.

Today, you see at a woman who is living her dream, feeling sexier, sassier and happier than ever…but she was living her dream a couple of months ago too. It just wasn’t the pretty stuff…but it was the stuff that makes for a good story, a good adventure. And maybe it could have been different, maybe it could have been easier if I had been on a higher level of spirituality, or higher up the mountain, what have you, but we all start from somewhere and then we climb. I got furious at myself at times thinking I was making the same mistakes all over again, but clearly I hadn’t yet learnt how not to make them. You have to be nice to yourself.

What turns things around in life? In stories of great adventure it’s usually a dashing Prince, or Princess (or Jester, I stick by that one, LOL) isn’t it? Or it’s the ticket that flies in through the window and you realize that you are soon to be jetting off to Africa… Or it’s winning the lottery…or getting the dream job as if by magic.

In life I think the real turning point is love. It’s a place of love in your heart, where you allow for the magic to happen. It’s the desire to change things around, coming from that place and acting from that place. If you live in that space of free flow, of intuition and love…life does change bit, by bit, by bit. Sometimes over night, but often after many small steps of love. That doesn’t fool-proof you from storms, it just teaches you how to fly a bit better and a bit higher than before on a day-to-day basis.

So once again: love peeps. May it flow in abundance and may you have the strength to find it when life is rough and the dream of tomorrow seems far away. Even when you cry, may you love so that gates are opened for more love to enter, to heal you and move you to safe harbours.

You are always a heartbeat from anywhere: open your heart and be ready to fly when the right wind sweeps by…and it always will, you just have to have patience for it to come round and make the wind chimes chime…

Maybe that night we make love till morning…

Sometimes we feel small and insignificant. Much like a tiny girl, walking up a massive mountain. We aren’t quite sure of where we are, or where we will end up. We have an idea of where we want to go – to the top – but the path is winding and we can’t always see the top – there is fog, trees and sometimes fires blocking the sight.

There are nights, when we are curled up by the fire watching a starry sky, and we feel calm and serene, and the path we are walking feels like the loveliest thing ever. Our muscles are tired after a day’s worth of climbing, in fact we are feeling tired through and through, but a good tired – we lived. We lived to the full and we are still buzzing, still filled with life and life force. We are almost giddy with excitement of all the wonders we have seen and are yet to see. Our eyes are still glazed with the beauty of butterflies catching the morning breeze underneath their wings, or the glorious sight of rainbows and waterfalls. Maybe a sudden thunderstorm filled us with power, with lust and then a gentle drizzle calmed our spirits shortly after, only to be followed by sunshine that made us laugh.

We may be sharing our camp fire with some exhilarating stranger we have met whose faces tell tales of faraway countries and adventures more fearful, more wild than we could ever imagine…or maybe adventures so sweet and lustful we can only dream of….and maybe, maybe one day achieve. Or maybe we are sharing the fire with gorgeous loved ones who are accompanying us on our journey and feel as familiar as our favorite spice.

Maybe the night is filled with laughter and excited whispers and tender words. Maybe children are playing and grown-ups smiling. And maybe, long after the kids have gone to bed, everyone is sharing tales that make our heart sing. Maybe we have found a boy whose eyes are sparkling in the moonlight and seemingly reflecting not just the moon, but our own soul, making us feel understood. Maybe for that moment it all makes sense – the search, the climb, the path that we are now on. Maybe that night we make love till  the morning.

At other times we are utterly lost – it’s raining, our knees are aching, we can’t see the top of the mountain – we are walking upwards, but we have no idea if we will ever reach the top, or at least find enough treasure to buy a fire that is always burning, a bottle that is always full, a bed that is always protected and love that is always tender. We are fearful, tired and soaked to our bones. We seek the light in our soul, the inner warmth, the love we know is hidden there, but the fear is overwhelming and the panic seemingly real as the night closes in on us and we shiver.

We  think about friends we have lost, lovers that crossed our path. We think about the chances we never took and those we should never have taken. We think about our own death and wonder where we will be then? Will we have reached the top? Or will we still be fearful and lonely?

We try to fight it, to be strong, but we only get angrier and angrier with ourselves when we do – because we are meant to be strong, right? We are meant to conquer the rain and walk with joy in our heart. We are meant to have learnt enough to find our way by the stars. We aren’t supposed to be lost, or lonely, or tired, or hungry. We are supposed to know better, be better.

Then, we give up. We remember what being truly tiny meant – what it was like being a child. When the world felt large and scary and we jumped up into our parents, or siblings laps and cried, or were just held tight. We were stil told that we were beautiful, that we were loved. No one gave up on us because we slipped and fell. They just hugged us better. We remember that it was OK then. OK to be lost and frightened and sooner, or later we found our way – whether by ourselves, or with the help of others. We felt tiny back then too. We felt scared back then too. But we weren’t angry with ourselves. We just were. We just allowed ourselves to be and somehow, somewhere, we always found the love we needed to find, the light to lit up the deepest night.

Then we take a moment to rest. We sink down, our back towards a cold fir-tree. The cold, suddenly intense against our back, awakens us. We look around. We see a tiny hare, followed by another tiny hare, looking out at us from underneath the bushes. We slowly reach out our hand. We are in desolate parts where man rarely walks and the hares have not yet learnt to fear us. We slowly look at them, as they are looking at us. In their eyes we see our own fear and trepidation reflected. We see curiosity and hope. We see warmth and love.

One of the hares slowly, slowly moves over, seeing whether to trust us. And then, with a final jump it is by our hand, sniffing it. Its nose feels warm against our cold skin. It keeps sniffing around, then suddenly jumps up, into our lap, and looks at us with big eyes. The other hare now follows, carefully, but bravely, seeing the success of its fellow friend. And then, you have them both in your lap, sharing their warmth, their lives with you.

Everywhere the rain is drizzling, turning the wood into a hazy, almost surreal place. The raindrops glisten in the final hour of dusk and the sun is making one last effort to shine through, turning everything golden. You feel a little warmth from it against your skin and the hares’ body heat radiating through your clothes, into your stiff, frozen bones. For a moment you are sharing your life with two other creatures, like yourself, trying to stay warm, find food, love and happiness. You are helping each other, understanding one another. Suddenly life has conquered and you once again feel calm – inside a new dawn has awoken.

You feel fresh. Every part of you has been shaken – you have been lost and you are still lost, but inside you have found the light. You know that as night comes rolling in you will eat some food that strengthen your body and find peace in your dreams. You will then awaken with the sun and move towards new horizons. Maybe with some furry friends by your side.

It is impossible to know if we will ever reach the top of any mountain. Life is an adventure and as such, we know that there will be struggle, there will be loss, but what will always save us is our own life force, our own love of that which surrounds us, that which we do and those whom we love, including ourselves.

We will continue to get lost and we will continue to get found. Storms will shake us and events move us. We will lose what we have found and move on to find love in unexpected places.

The best we can do is find our own heart, our own peace. We can never know what storm is coming next, or how far we will get the next day. We can only continue to move with a purpose in our heart, which gives meaning to our journey. We can continue to build love in our heart, which will strengthen us and keep us calm in the eye of the storm. We can surround ourselves by love, by doing what we love and taking time to build friendships with those we love, or those we think we will come to love. We can give of what we have, as well as our gifts, our talents, and share our lives with others.

We can love and with love always comes a treasure.

When you strip someone bare…

There are those days when your whole life shifts around. Suddenly your mind takes you down a path you’ve never walked before – it’s like a gate is opened and you can see this glorious view, this way in life that you didn’t knew existed before. It’s literally like having stared into a wall your whole life and then suddenly someone reveals to you that it’s a door and when you open it up, outside there are beautiful flowers. I think it’s important to remember this. In our darkest moments it might just be that we’re not seeing the sun and if we just start looking, maybe our walls will transform to doors and our windows to staircases to heaven.

It’s not just about circumstances changing, it’s literally one day you wake up to the fact that the world isn’t flat – some perception you’ve always had of yourself, or your life just isn’t true and rather than knowing it you see it, or feel it. It’s not a theory, it’s a reality. You catch yourself thinking differently. Acting differently. And realizing that life could be lived in an entirely different way – whether you meet a person that introduces a new way of thinking, or you see people living in ways you could never have imagined.

The same goes for people – sometimes we should expect the unexpected. Or maybe not expect at all.

It’s days like those when you know that life is filled with so much more than you ever thought possible and that gives hope, but I guess it can also be startling, because no matter how old you are, or how much you’ve been through, to think that you know life, is always an illusion. At least, that’s what I think right now…

It’s like they say: you never know what you’re gonna find underneath the clothes!…

Where to next???… Formaggi sounds good to me… (Eataly, NYC…I could get lost in food all day long there!)

Fighting half-naked guys, vampires and mosquitos…

I always liked the idea of friendly, immortal vampires. Especially when they look and love like Edward Cullen. However, other blood suckers, such as mosquitos, suck. Only they don’t think I suck. They love me. I don’t understand where it went wrong – somewhere I manifested mosquitos instead of drip dropping hot vampires. I really wanna yell at the mosquitos, Hang Over style: “Suck my cock, cock sucker.” (Bloody brilliant movie and I love imitating that dude.) It’s just…I don’t think they’d get offended if I did…so I suck it up.

Ever had a mosquito bite? On like your toe, or pinkie? Small, nagging bite. You can’t stop thinking about it, scratching it (to make it worse) and cursing it. Sounds familiar?

How many mosquito bites do you have in your life? Small nagging little things that you just can’t stop thinking about?

Ever so often I do BJJ. I’d like to do it all the time, but since I keep getting injured and I can’t afford taking private classes, I have put it on hold for the moment (but I really, really miss wearing my GI with a pink dragon on it – it’s super comfy….OK, so I confess: I miss wrestling with half-naked guys too…). Anyway, point being: one day when I was wrestling I hurt my toe. Not badly, but it hurt. And I forgot to keep fighting because I thought about my toe. So I lost and tapped out. (I’m a terrible fighter…well, because I don’t practice much. Give me a Gracie and I will become good. Especially if I get the cutest one….digressing…)

What we focus on takes over our minds. I don’t know what you focus on, but I tend to, ever so often, focus on mosquito bites, and sometimes more serious things, like snake bites. The thing is – so long as I’m looking at the problem, I can’t see the solution. Define the problem, look for the solution.

I live in a nice little area in a nice little town called L.A. There are a lot of people who live in nice little areas in L.A. A lot of people even came here for the same reasons – to make it as Entrepreneurs and/or Filmmakers. Yet, if I walk across the street and swop lives with someone my age and with the same reasons for being here, their life is likely to be completely different from mine. Still, I forget that other worlds than my own exist most of the time.

There is something I learnt in Coaching. Try this, if you like. Find a spot on the wall and look at it. Really stare at it. Then slowly, whilst still looking at the spot, start expanding your focus inch, by inch until you are in peripheral view (expanded awareness). You can still see the spot, but you can also see a whole lot more than that spot. You realize that there is a whole world around it. Your life is not just a mosquito bite (really??!!??!).

Now you can play the same game, seeing your problem where the spot is and as you start taking in the surroundings as you still look at it, also start seeing what else is there in your life and beyond. I’m sure if you think about it, there are some really juicy bits out there…

It’s so easy to be swallowed up by a problem. I like to see it as a challenge instead; an adventure. Now, what’s the highest price you can win for solving that riddle? Come on, what is it? Are the stakes high enough? If not, imagine that they are really high – you have five days to save your mom, or your kid, or something. What would you be prepared to do if that was the case? How creative would you get? It’s easy to be lazy, but when we have life’s own Red Bull – a sip of adrenalin and a sip of determination – it’s very easy to get active. And then you feel good. You are looking for a cure to the itch rather than scratching it to make it worse. And…you may be on a fun adventure in life at the same time…(bring on the fanfares, the star dust swirling around your feet, the magic…)

If I am truly stuck I like to think I can do anything. I have every resource in the world at my feet. Then I write a list of how I can solve the problem with those resources. Then I write another list of how I can either get those resources at my disposal, or solve it without them. Magic!

I feel a few lists coming up…but I kinda like being on an adventure in the maze of life…makes me feel like a true heroine, fighting glorious fights and coming up with my own magical potions. It’s a rather glorious job to be fighting vampires, I mean half-naked BJJ boys, I mean…mosquitos…

Can we go on an adventure together and solve the riddles?…

Sliding doors…

Isn’t it funny, if you look back on your life and think about all the small co-incidences that have taken you to where you are now? Like how you googled one thing, found something else and it totally changed your life? Or how you decided to attend that one party instead of another and you met your new boss or lover?

I could talk about a zillion such co-incidences (because let’s face it – our lives are made of them – every lover you ever met, every friend, every job offer, every adventure…they were all just co-incidences), but for today, I will stick with one: Isabel Allende. (If you want to know more about the co-incidences in my life these posts will do it: Paris… and Magical meetings and serendipity…)

I fell in love with Isabel Allende at the tender age of seventeen – I was having an awful time living in Vancouver and this little lady made me smile as she stood in the middle of a church describing how she knew she had overcome a depression after dreaming sex dreams about Antonio Banderas swimming in rice pudding. Now, I don’t know about you, but I think food and sex are perfect companions. So much so, that I am setting up a company that deals with the two put together…no it’s probably not what you think, it’s better than that (what were you thinking?…). I can’t tell you the entire concept, as that would spoil the surprise, but I will let you know when we open.

Of course there are a few other influences than Allende for my business – a dash of Branson, a sprinkle of Moulin Rouge, a slice of my best friend and a teaspoon of my business partner and a few cups of a certain chef or two…but I’ll leave the details for my autobiography. For now, I’ll leave you in Allende’s hands:

This is the part where I have to get personal and talk about romance.

My books force me to travel frequently. My karma is to stumble from one place to another, like a wandering pilgrim. In l987, while still living in Venezuela, I went on a lecturing tour that took me from Iceland to Puerto Rico, and many other climates in between, until I ended up in Northern California. Little did I suspect that there my fate would change again. I met the man that was written in my destiny, as my mother would say. He was an American lawyer called William Gordon, who was introduced to me as the last heterosexual bachelor in San Francisco. He had read my second novel and liked it. When he saw me he was thoroughly disappointed, however: he likes tall blondes.

After my speech we were invited to a dinner party in an Italian restaurant. There was a full moon and Frank Sinatra was singing “Strangers in the Night”, the kind of stuff that would ruin a novel. Willie was sitting in front of me, observing me with a puzzled expression. The combination of Frank Sinatra and spaghetti tutto mare had a predictable effect on me: I fell in lust. I had been living in chastity for a very long time… two or three weeks as I recall, so I took the initiative. I asked him to tell me his life. This trick always works, ladies! Ask any man to talk about himself and pretend to listen while you relax and enjoy your meal, and he will end up convinced that you are a smart and sexy gal. In this case, however, I did not have to pretend. Soon I realized I had stumbled upon one of those rare gems that storytellers are always looking for: that man’s life was a novel! So I did what any normal Latin American female writer would have done: marry the man to get the story. Well, I didn’t marry him right away, it took some fine manipulation.

First he invited me to his house. I was expecting a romantic evening in a divorcee’s penthouse overlooking the Golden Gate bridge, soft jazz, champagne and smoked salmon. I got nothing of the sort. There was so much dog crap in the garage, that he had to pull back so that I could step out of the car. His youngest son, a ten year old brat, greeted us with rubber bullets. The golden retriever as hyperactive as the kid, placed his muddy paws on my shoulders and slurped on my face. There were other pets: a couple of maniac rats in a filthy cage chewing on each other’s tails, and dead fish floating in the slimy waters of an aquarium. I didn’t flinch. Lust does that to some people, it gives them an heroic attitude. I liked the man and I wanted to hear the rest of his story. He served a burnt chicken, we drank cheap California wine, and I will skip the rest. The next day, when he took me to the airport, I asked him politely if we had any sort of commitment. He turned chalk-pale and his hands trembled so vigorously that he had to pull over. I didn’t know that you never EVER mention the word commitment in front of an American male.
- What are you talking about, we just met! he mumbled, terrified.
- I am 45 and I have no time to waste, I said. I need to know if this thing is serious or not.
- What thing?- he asked befuddled.

That day I took the plane, but a week later I was back without an invitation. I moved into his house and six months later he had to marry me because I pinned him against the wall.

Isabel Allende

Well…

Volcanic eruptions…

So a volcano has decided to disrupt the world’s plans for a couple of days (or weeks?). Anyone with a diary in which it says “travel” is tearing their hair out. I find this sad for the sake of some companies, and really cool because humans get to face something that’s not ruled by them. Somehow it makes us stand together and it makes us slow down a bit. It’s not society telling us what to do – it’s a volcano. And what it’s telling us to do is to stop. We can’t get anywhere. We can’t go at the speed we are normally used to. We are forced to travel whilst looking upon the world instead of the clouds. We are somehow forced to slow down and connect, whilst coming up with creative solutions and going on adventures – John Cleese took a cab from Oslo to London – happy payday for the cab driver!!! I have (not so) secret hopes that Branson will charter a boat for stranded Virgin Atlantic passengers in London… Please Sir Branson, I’d like to go on a boat ride…

Once when I was still in drama school we had a showing. This happened about two to three times a week – the directors were showing the pieces they were currently working on. It so happened I was showing my still. A still is one of the first pieces you do and you simply create a character’s room. You choose your character and I made mine a Victorian traveler (go figure). I created his study. Now what happened as we were setting up was that the electricity went. All of a sudden darkness. The evening students had to have candle lit classes. We had to do candle lit showings. Now because my still was set in the Victorian era, this was pretty cool. However, the coolest thing was what happened to everyone. Suddenly you were on an adventure. And the world slowed down – you simply could not run around in the darkness. Instead you were searching the props room with candles. Anyone ever been to a props room knows how many items are squeezed into a tiny space. Lucky for us the props room also contained plenty of candles and matches due to the fact that many pieces are set in pre-electricity eras.

It is easy to forget to slow down and enjoy the moment. To make things magical. To really embrace what’s going on and enhance it with that bit of star sparkle. It’s not that difficult. All you need to do is turn off the lights, the phones, the computers, the pagers, the fax machines, the iPods, the radios, the TVs, the washing machines, the tumble dryers and the microwaves (did I miss something?) and light a candle. Breathe. Eat your favorite food. Laugh with people instead of machines. Soak up the beauty around you. Have dessert. And then move on to the real dessert…

Beautiful pic of the volcano: http://ow.ly/1zRhg

At twilight the world is a magical place to be if you turn your lights out….