I feel like I’ve had one big orgasm and just exploded. You know when you suddenly stand there naked, all gates open? Obviously it’s a metaphor, but you know what I mean, right? Like you are you again. And I am a traveller, an adventurer who would love to share my stories with the world and work with helping people. It’s really that simple.
To some I’m sure it sounds absolutely retarded to give into your idea of being who you are, because let’s face it: I didn’t say that I want to work my way up a corporation and get a two bedroom flat overlooking the Thames. I more like said I wanna pack my life into a bag and hit the wilderness accompanied by my camera and my MacBook. Not what everyone deems success, but as I always say: success up my ass. Happiness…now that’s something.
I’m thinking I want to head to Africa in fall and then probably back to LA, or wherever else fancy takes me. I tried. I really did try to come back to the UK, set up a company and settle down. All it’s led to is headaches. Severe headaches. I don’t think settling down is for me. I always said I’d bring my baby with me in the bush. I’d love a proper home somewhere and one firm base, but to be entirely tied down…I can’t imagine it. Know why I love the film industry? You move from project to project and you live in trailers half of the time. No clue of how to break into the film industry, but I’ll figure that out. Firstly I’m focusing on my writing.
Found two jobs today – one customer service thing and one writing articles. Both greatly underpaid, but both movable. As in I can do them from anywhere. It’s a start.
I have no idea what will happen to be honest – maybe I’ll find a project here that means I’ll stay longer, or I’ll head to LA first, or France, or the Bahamas, but I think the point is that I feel like I’m awake because I focus on finding solutions that enable me to do what I love. I love the things I’ve previously mentioned. Just the thought of getting on a plane and heading for adventure – I’m suddenly wide awake and all heart. I thought I needed to have a proper job to afford that lifestyle, but instead I think I will make it my lifestyle to work like that. It’s like the story of the man who met a fisherman:
A few years ago, a very rich businessman decides to take a vacation to a small tropical island in the South Pacific. He has worked hard all his life and has decided that now is the time to enjoy the fruits of his labor. He is excited about visiting the island because he’s heard that there is incredible fishing there. He loved fishing as a young boy, but hasn’t gone in years because he has been so busy working to save for his retirement.
So on the first day, he has his breakfast and heads to the beach. It’s around 9:30 am. There he spots a fisherman coming in with a large bucket full of fish!
How long did you fish for? he asks. The fisherman looks at the businessman with a wide grin across his face and explains that the fishes for about three hours every day. The businessman then asks him why he returned so quickly.
Don’t worry, says the fisherman, There’s still plenty of fish out there.
Dumbfounded, the businessman asks the fisherman why he didn’t continue catching more fish. The fisherman patiently explains that what he caught is all he needs. I’ll spend the rest of the day playing with my family, talking with my friends and maybe drinking a little wine. After that I’ll relax on the beach.”
Now the rich businessman figures he needs to teach this peasant fisherman a thing or two. So he explains to him that he should stay out all day and catch more fish. Then he could save up the extra money he makes and buy even bigger boats to catch even more fish. The he could keep reinvesting his profits in even more boats and hire many other fisherman to work for him. If he works really hard, in 20 or 30 years he’ll be a very rich man indeed.
The businessman feels pleased that he’s helped teach this simple fellow how to become rich. Then the fisherman looks at the businessman with a puzzled look on his face and asks what he’ll do after he becomes very rich.
The businessman responds quickly You can spend time with your family, talk with your friends, and maybe drink a little wine. Or you could just relax on the beach.
Of course I’m scared too…because I didn’t choose the path of so-called security, but I need to live. I really need to live. I just have to figure out the wisest way of doing so, so that I don’t compromise things, but rather grow, both as a person and as a writer, director, producer and moneymaker. I am very hot-headed and love throwing myself into things, but this time: one step at a time.
Actions: found two job prospects and was offered another. Was offered more than one actually, but that was because someone headhunted me and I didn’t want that job. Looked into some publishing criteria for Harlequin. For some reason I’ve always aspired to write one of those extremely cheesy novels, but hopefully with better taste. I mean it’s like so tempting to take the piss out of the whole thing.
Negative Thoughts: OMG. I’m really doing this – legs shaking. It’s OK not to make much money to start off with, but I still want a house and a family by the end of the day, so somehow I need to figure it out, or let my heart take me there too. My hands get worn out from typing. I know no one in Africa. Bound to change, but still. It’s kind of…nervwrecking…
Positive Thoughts: I just feel so happy and content. I feel like I’m myself again. Used to feel like this in LA. Free. Happy. Like me you know.
My favorite photo from work – Leda by Ralph Gibson