There was nothing I could do. The sky was a naked, empty canvas. A nothingness. Images were flashing through my mind. Images filled with laughter. Images filled with comfort through the tears. Images of holding hands. Such a simple thing. Holding a hand. Simple yet powerful. A support during long nights, through pain, through laughter.
You don’t need much in this life, not really. Healthy food on the table, a roof over your head and a certain level of comfort, being surrounded by a nice environment is enough. The secret, or not so secret needs, of the heart though, are much different. They are the ones that will whisper quietly, yet with strength; they are the ones that will keep you up at night. They are the ones that rule you, if you let them. Maybe you are in charge, maybe they are. I don’t know, but you heart will ache with those desires…ache…
I’m not sure if we were born with them, or if we were brought up to believe in them; if fate by chance, or purpose placed them in our lives. If it’s a cruel joke, or a divine plan. If it’s a choice, or a prison. I really don’t know. All I know is that since I was a kid I’ve had a restlessness in my heart. Maybe restless is the wrong word, maybe passion, or desire the right one. From time to time it has been a man who got hold of my heart and made me twist and turn in my sleep, wondering how it was humanly possible to long for something, or someone so much? Did I choose it? Why? Why him, why then? Why still now? Why long for the impossible? An illusion, or a reality? It keeps changing, whom the heart belongs to. Most oftenly though, it has been other things that have made my heart flutter with excitement, or ache with pain. A longing. Always a longing. To do. To do that which I love the most. I always wanted a nice lifestyle, I cannot deny that. I wanted to play with some toys. What propelled me though wasn’t only the cash, or the glory. It was a longing to do. My greatest gift wouldn’t have been a million to buy a house for, my greatest gift would have been a million to play with. Make movies and create companies. Tell stories. Help people. Creating positive change. Play. Play with the desire. Set my spirit free within it. Live. Live as I desire.
I’m happy today. I’m happy most days these days. I don’t think I’ve ever before felt so fulfilled, so calm somehow. I’m no longer dancing to other people’s tunes so much. The need for fame and glory has subsided drastically too. I still want to impress at times, prove my worth, but it’s getting less and less. Not only have I realized that I cannot make people love me that way, I also see the futility of it all. One man down, one man up. There’s really no point. There’s a point to excel, to drive humanity forwards. To help. There is no point to be glorified more than as an inspiration for others and that really doesn’t have anything to do with the glory. They should not seek to do what you did for glory, for fame, or fortune. They should seek to do so because you made a positive difference. Because they know they can live their fullest potential also. For inner satisfaction and outer change. No one is a hero. Everyone is a hero. There are so many successful people who know nothing of success and so many failures that are successes. Happiness. Fulfilled desires. Call it what you may.
The happiest I’ve ever been is jumping through waves. Free. No worries. No stress. No ego. Surrounded by fun people and an environment I love. Simplicity. Like sitting fishing in summer, or scrubbing potatoes on the beach, preparing a fire for dinner. I’ve experienced it in different places around the world and the common elements were nature, the beach, people, love, a willingness to let go and simplicity. The voice in my heart never quiets down though. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I do. Propelling me forward. It screams of a need to create. Constantly. Maybe it is about living to my full potential? But surely you must be able to do that in every moment already? Even if you can’t execute all your ideas in one go? I don’t know, but it always drove me nuts. It only quiets when I’m in the middle of something. Something that I can actually do. Not a company that will be launched in a year, but a play that is being put on right now, or a painting that will be done in a minute. Yet, the company that will be launched in a year is what I truly want to do.
I always wondered what the people without it felt? Or if anyone is truly without it? That urge, that pain, that itch that propels you forward towards your dreams. Sometimes it tires me – I never see an end to it. When one idea has been executed, another arrives. It’s never silent. At the same time it invigorates me, makes me fly, makes my heart beat faster, makes me grounded, makes me feel on fire, makes me happy, satisfies me. When I get to do it. It’s a choice though to do it. It just doesn’t always pay the bills. Not until you get the hang of it. I have already written about that – all the twists and turns of my life. All the little cross roads, the wrong turns, the hard years…now it feels better. I guess, like any drug addict, I’ve learnt to control it. Learnt that you can only do what you love if you also pay the bills. You have to be realistic, yet you have to be unrealistic and keep pursuing. You have to find a plan, because sure as hell the end product is not where you begin, yet you have to let your dreams lose. Free to fly as they wish.
At the same times it has also been a long road of setting myself free. Of not just living within my field, within my work. Learning to allow myself to be me, to be passionate without regrets, to live as I choose without judging in real life. Work was always my outlet. Where I allowed myself to do exactly what I wanted to do. Where I felt free and confident. Where I was happy.
When it all crashed I learnt that I had to live everywhere in my life. Not just within one thing. I didn’t only want to live through work. I didn’t want it to be my only outlet. I wanted to be me all over. It’s a liberating thing that. Being yourself and being confident. Confident that you can handle whatever life throws at you, full well knowing life can throw anything at you. I love my life. I can honestly say that now. After all these years.