OK, so the headline isn’t meant to read like that. It’s meant to say “our ever so easy frock” but dizzy here almost fell off the bed whilst reading it in an email, as of course I read it as the headline of this blog reads – in other words: our ever so easy fuck. If I can, I always put a fuck in the sentence, so the line didn’t shock me. The shock was that I thought my favorite interior decorating shop had put it in their headline. Anthropologie aren’t exactly known for their crazy headlines if you know what I mean.
The other day a bus had an ad on it that read “Dress to suit the town,” which I believed said “dress to shit the town.” I thought this a really weird ad, that’s why I looked twice and realized it was I that was weird, not the ad, which kind of sums up life right there: often life is beautiful, but our insides perceive it as anything but. That’s the spiritual lesson you get from seeing shit on the bus.
Now, of course I managed to draw some spiritual enlightenment from “our ever so easy fuck” as well. First of all I concluded fucks should be easy. In other words: don’t fuck fuck-nots. If there isn’t flow – if someone doesn’t love and adore you – fuck it. Don’t fuck them, fuck it.
Secondly, this reminded me of Branson’s “screw it let’s do it” – as an easy fuck means you just go for it, glide forward gracefully instead of getting stuck hiding. You see, recently I’ve been reminded that life is this very moment. This very moment. And how I spend it is very important. It’s my life I’m spending. It’s not rich uncle Edward’s antique gold coins (if you know a rich uncle Edward, please tell him I’d love some gold coins), it’s my life. And my life is priceless. There is only one of me, which is why it’s priceless. You can’t exchange me. There is no substitute for me. I’m one hundred percent unique (at this point some people are sighing, wishing they could indeed exchange me, or get their money back – especially my dad who would like his money back for the years he kept this starving artist above starvation level) and my life is here and now – this is my only chance to spend it. It’s time to screw it and just fucking do it – stand up for myself and claim my birthright: the life of my dreams.
This came about partly because recently I did an intuitive exercise, a tune in, to reveal what was going on for me, and what I realized was that I was feeling ridiculous. I felt ridiculous for living my dreams – like I was this little girl in fairy tale land (the land everyone used to tell me it was impossible to reach) and I was petrified people would ask me who the hell I think I am? Surely I’m just a silly dreamer and soon my dreams will crash around me and then everyone will laugh at my little invented fairy tale? What gives me the right to be so bloody happy? I’m not important enough to be that happy, am I? So instead of going full force forward claiming my dreams I got petrified and almost backed down. I was very far from “screw it let’s do it.” It was more like I was dressed to shit this town.
Looking at this I realized that I have been close to living my dreams before, but I have always backed down. As soon as someone doubted me, I doubted myself. I did not have the conviction to follow through. My companies are great proofs of this – I’ve been close to launch so many times and yet never done it.
I used to feel like a complete waste – people praised my talents wherever I went, but I always ended up working with something that did not serve my talents and made me feel miserable and inadequate. I had guys chasing me in every town, but never fell for anyone but the ones that didn’t want me. Time and time again I proved to myself how worthless I was. I was brave enough to do some things, like starting this blog, but crikey the book proposal for it has been sitting on my desk for A YEAR. I wrote it a year ago and never sent it. I felt it wasn’t perfect enough and now I’m a freelance writer but I only apply for the jobs I think I can get, not the ones I really want. Like my own published articles. Hallelujah.
I’m the kind of person that leaves a party if I sense someone dislikes me. I back down. I was going haywire for a while because some people did not agree with me mentoring/fostering the kids I now look after. It was my dream and yet I listened to them and question every blooming aspect of myself before saying yes to doing it. I know others will question the companies I want to launch. If I start dating someone, he will question me. That’s life. Every treasure comes with a threshold guardian and a few demons to boot.
I have been running around in circles for so long because I couldn’t stand facing other people’s dislike. I avoided dating, launching companies, publishing my book…I avoided truly pursuing what I loved, even if on the outside it looked like I was going for it. I never stood up for myself. I never told off the guys that messed me around, I never said I’m gonna launch my companies and publish my book so if it’s the last thing I do. I never showed up at a party feeling utterly pleased with myself, not caring what others thought of me. I just feverishly tried to make myself better so as to have everyone’s approval for everything. I mean it’s scary saying you will do something with the potentiality it will fail and all those non-believers will be having a party! But so what, then you learn and move on instead of regretting all the things you never did. Life is about exploring, not achieving. Of course you have to have the right purposes behind what you do and always question yourself, but that’s different from not believing in yourself.
A few years back I asked myself if I feared success and I thought I must, because I was already failing so that couldn’t be what frightened me. No, what frightened me was hearing others say how great I am and actually acknowledge it. Dare to believe in it. Not think they would turn around and start laughing and humiliating me two seconds later. I was scared of being exposed in the light. It was much easier hiding in the shadows.
I think it’s time for an ever so easy fuck, don’t you? I’ve been dressed to shit this town for way too long – hiding in my own shit and behind my ever so complicated fuck-nots. It’s time to shine my light. I feel ridiculous just saying that, but it really is time. Maybe I will stand up on my high heels and fall straight into a duck pond (that was blocking the road, clearly) classic blondie style, but if I do, then I want to do so in the light, enjoying my splashing. Enjoying living life to the full – experiencing all it has to offer. Besides, what could be sexier than a blonde in a duck pond…erm…a blonde proudly walking with her head up into a party?