The ultimate sex fantasy…

What is the ultimate sex fantasy? Is it a certain thing? Or is it just to completely relax, surrender and let your heart take you exactly where you want to go without any holding back? Is it ultimate freedom?

I took two of the kids I mentor on an outing yesterday – I took the two boys to the library, an organic shop that has a Thursday market and Llandadno beach. One of them did not want to listen to “do not push any buttons and sit properly in the car.” The rule is if you don’t listen, get a warning and still don’t listen, you don’t come with on the next outing. That’s why the little girl wasn’t with this time. After all of them behaving really nicely last week, she played with her seat belt on the way back. I’m trying to explain to them I don’t make weird rules just because, but the rules we have is for their own safety. I don’t like adults exercising power over kids just because, or without explanation. You hear that a lot when out and about “don’t touch this, don’t do that, don’t ask questions” and they don’t necessarily point out why (they might in all fairness have pointed that out beforehand) nor do they always have a reason why themselves. Point being, taking care of these kids I often question myself – am I a good mothers figure? Are the rules I’m setting up OK? Are my reactions when I’m out with them OK? Am I still just “taming” them rather than making them think for themselves? Just because I can’t pay to feed them a proper GAPS and raw food diet, is that bad of me? Surely a whole foods diet is better than crisps, but am I not putting in enough effort with it? Am I perfect enough?

You see I always imagined that when I have kids around that I look after I’m living this perfect life in a nice Eco house, with a large garden and herbal garden, I have a lovely husband, I have a very scheduled day and I have proper traditions in place for everything, from hot chocolate Sundays, to Christmas and I will know all those educational games and crafts things we will do together. Well guess what? I’m neither rich, nor married, but I do live in a natural home with a garden and I have planted five herbs in it (so there, I do have an herbal garden LOL). I don’t have it all together, but I’m trying to put another piece of the puzzle together every day. No, there’s not fresh Kombucha on the table yet, but I have the ingredients and the jar ready to go (and Kombucha clearly is essential for a household…well, you know at least my dream household because yummy mummies have all those things they want to have all ready to go, always, no?! LOL). No, I don’t know all the amazing recipes I wanna know, all the educational games and the crafts project. I most certainly am not married. Single appears to be the notorious case of my relationship status and funnily enough I care less about it now. I guess I feel rather fulfilled, because as a matter of fact every day it seems I do more. I do learn new recipes. I do learn about education. I do work as a writer with decent assignments, if yet there are mountains to climb. I do work with underprivileged kids and I do have some that I mentor and who could become my family, should I choose to walk that path and raise the money to do so. And somehow this has all calmed me down and made me feel fulfilled. On the other hand, I don’t yet have a proper social life in Cape Town, so it’s sort of made me wake up to that as well, because I need friends and support.

There are other things as well I have been contemplating – my ADD habits and how bad I am at certain things. I’m blessed in some areas, a mess in others. Thinking of mentoring the kids kind of makes you think about what kind of role model you are. Like when I sleep in now I’m like shit – had, I had kids I could not have done that. Does that mean I’m not ready for this? Does that make me “bad?” I’m terrible with paperwork and time keeping, so clearly I’m not a responsible adult. I can fill out a form three times and still miss things and I mess things up in my mind all the time, so I’m bad right? I was always told I was bad because of this, so clearly I’m not responsible enough. Never mind that I try doing something about my bad habits, the one day I miss doing a work out, or fail and don’t live in “perfection” I get angry with myself. And of course I’m not perfect, so I fail all the time with sticking to things and oh my God. I don’t have a pattern of wanting to punish myself at all or anything. OH MY GOD I have a pattern of wanting to punish myself, oh now I’m really seriously bad…oh my God. When I was younger I literally wanted to run into a wall when I fucked up, I really hated myself for it and wanted pain, not that I ever did that, but seriously I had those thoughts and now I’m dealing with kids, seriously, I’m really bad. See what I mean? That’s my brain for you. And since deciding to deal with the kids I seriously had to face this oh my God I’m feeling inadequate pattern.

I was reading the Mommypotamus blog the other day and looking at eco houses and that’s when I really came to see this pattern. I had a freak show about not having everything “all together,” or rather discovering what a freak show I have been having and starting to unraveling it and letting go of it. And it’s truly bizarre because I probably have it more together than most. Apart from my ADD patterns and wanting to punish myself and judging myself, I believe I’m quite good. Actually. It’s just my perfectionist and not good enough belief that’s screwing with my head. Truly that’s the reason why I’m single as well. When I meet someone I like I’m so petrified I’m not good enough and perfect enough that I start disliking myself and the idea of going into a relationship or fall in love only to once more prove to myself I’m not good enough, not perfect enough hasn’t been appealing. I lose track of myself when I start caring about people’s opinions. So having come to the point where I’m fairly OK with myself when I’m with myself and friends, I kind of guess I wanted to keep the status quo, especially as whenever I ventured into trying I failed. I did only manage to prove I wasn’t good enough once more.

I guess I’ve always had habits I’ve used as an excuse to feel bad about myself. Fact is, there are some things I’m no good at, like filling in paperwork – last year when working as a sales manager I was always in trouble – I always missed something. Especially when I had read through it three times and was really proud thinking I’d done a good job. People would get angry that I didn’t concentrate, but thought I had my full attention on the task – and proof read it three times. Not to mention my own panic. I felt like I couldn’t trust myself, because for example – I would put everything together on my desk, preparing to leave and structuring my things so as to remember everything. Then I would happily leave without the envelop I had placed on top of my desk so as NOT to forget to post it. Now certain of these things I learnt to manage, because they were habits. If you always put the keys in the same place you will remember them, but all of life is not a habit. In an office there’s new things all the time and you can’t habitualize them.

I worked in an office for over a year and that made me humble, because I had to face my shortcomings every day and after a while I had to somehow try to kick myself out of feeling bad about them, because some things I couldn’t change and I became better at a lot of the things I could change. It was still trying, because I couldn’t trust myself not to miss details. Then suddenly I was working as a freelance writer and people loved my writing. That’s not to say I haven’t missed deadlines and mixed things up. Still happens. Still makes me feel bad.  When I was forced, due to an article I was writing, reading up about ADD I had to humbly admit to the fact that I have pretty much every symptom of it and I don’t even believe in ADD, because most people they say can’t concentrate can concentrate. Maybe just not in the same ways.  I came to realize some of us have brains that work differently and some of that can’t and shouldn’t be changed, because our brain works that way because it’s great with something else. As humiliated as I felt reading about all those symptoms and ticking off the list, I also felt relieved, because the anger I have had to encounter with the years and all those “you’re just not responsible enough” kind of felt less hurtful.

I’m learning to structure my days. I’m learning to respect and love myself. I’m learning to value my talents. I’m learning that I can’t and don’t have to be great at everything. I do have to learn to discipline myself in certain areas, but at the same time I have to appreciate what my somewhat chaotic mind manages to come up with. I will also have to learn to respect and appreciate others and not, if I’m having PMS, have a complete tantrum if they say they are against Monsanto and manage to eat GMO corn at the same time, or try to convince me they care about the planet whilst smoking cigarettes and feeding their kids non-organic meat with weird preservatives, because my perfectionist hysteria tends to have two pet peeves – health and nature and if I’m in a bad mood I believe people are personally insulting me by poisoning themselves and the planet.

I realized there won’t be a one year vacation when I build my eco-home, learn to cook all the perfect foods (raw foods and whole foods), finally finish writing my book and come up with ideas and educational games that will entertain the kids till they’re eighteen, so that after that year everything would be ready and good to go. Or maybe I could do that if I left my volunteer work and my gorgeous home, said goodbye to entertainment and locked myself up in a tiny room somewhere – then I could work non-stop for a year and take a year sabbatical afterwards. That’s not gonna happen. Even if I did I would continue to learn and grow, so perfection would never be achievable anyway. Only idiots believe they’ve learnt all there is to know and they can’t go further. Perfection is an illusion. We are evolving every day if we are only humble enough to acknowledge the mistakes of the past and learn from the lessons. Admit that we aren’t perfect. And maybe more so than anything you have to teach kids to learn. To grow. To evolve.

So yes folks, I have perfectionist issues, I’m rather messy with certain things and it’s no good speaking to me about Monsanto if I have PMS – I may not have a loud tantrum as such, but my world will fall to pieces and if you smoke you will have me in tears as my mom died from cancer and how could anyone wish that upon themselves, or force their loved ones to watch them die? I have a few scars in that department. Not that I would necessarily show you that, but that’s how I’d feel. But having said all that I have some amazing talents, I left to set up my dream life in Cape Town, I have a career that I enjoy, I live in a dream home, I work with kids which was always my dream, I’m fairly healthy and I really do my best to understand kids and how to raise them. I do my best to live from my heart. So maybe I’m like OK you know. Maybe I even deserve having a boyfriend and kids. Maybe getting my work in magazines and on silver screens too. Could give it a go I suppose once I’ve managed to structure my days to fit it all in. Mmmm. Maybe there’s hope for me after all?! Maybe I don’t have to be great at everything to allow myself to enjoy my life? Maybe I can just sit back and love…and step up and follow my heart. Without judging. Just follow my heart. Absolutely free. Maybe…

I see the irony in this, because I have to learn routine and scheduling, but at the same time the judgments, the holding back instead of letting it flow…that’s the adventure. Being stuck inside your ever so criminal mind, that’s prison. Heart is freedom. Following your heart, trusting you can do it. Setting yourself free to do that. Then the routines and schedules ou truly need will fall into place and the ones you have to feel secure, or the routine of breaking them to feel bad, will disappear. Freedom is your heart.

Strip off…a naked sense of play with the lions and lionesses…

I’m starting to feel quite naked these days…and I’m also starting to sense the lioness inside me roar. The eagle take flight. The owl of wisdom gently whispering advice. I’m starting to feel ready to play. Play fiercely and wisely, but most of all: play. A naked sense of freedom is coming over me.

I was looking at the photo from yesterday’s blog, the photo of the lion, and an array of thoughts entered my mind. You see, I get completely lost in that photo – it must be one of the most beautiful photos I’ve ever come across. I absolutely love it. I can literally just sit and stare at it. As I was looking at it, it occurred to me that maybe one of the things I am so drawn to is the almost human look on his face. As if I can see a person in there, or an animal with human characteristics. Other photos I looked at when searching for lions included the same and I thought that maybe what we look for in animals is proof that they too have emotions. That they too love. And when we see love, we love….and that’s the most magical state of being there is.

Secondly, and this thought really struck me, there are these majestic, magical animals and what do we do? We put them in cages and teach them tricks. In the wild they run like the wind, they perform incredible feats, they play, they display their majesty…and we put them in a cage and teach them 1+1=2 by pressing some buttons with their paws? God must be laughing.

Thirdly, I was thinking that what we do to lions is what we do to ourselves. We get a job in a cubicle somewhere, or we spend our lives coming up with “the next big thing” so we can get rich and successful and get a different cubicle – one made of glass and stainless steel. And maybe that’s life. Maybe if we couldn’t do that we would still be having to plough farmland in Siberia. I guess I just think one should be aware that we have made up society and where you want to keep your focus is up to you. You can devote your life to come up with the next great app, or you can raise your kids on a farm, picking strawberries and watching the stars at night…and maybe there you will be inspired to come up with an app for helping people find their heart’s desire, without you even having to try. Or maybe people already know. Naturally.

I love technology. I love that we hunger for knowledge and development and I am in awe of Apple and their apps. I love all that. I just think one should learn to question and think for oneself. Because I’m not really sure if guns, or bombs improved humanity, or if where people tell you to focus your energy is necessarily the best place to focus it.

I think if I can dance, make movies and theatre performances, work with people and live in a natural house say somewhere in the hills outside Cape Town, or LA, with my family…I think I would be happy. I don’t think a Mercedes, or a Hollywood contract would do that much for me. I’d love to spread my work if there’s an audience that would love to receive it…I’d love to have money so I can live without worries…but I get happy from staring at a black and white photo of a lion. I get happy typing my blogs. I don’t need to chase cubicles, I need to live my heart, but I used to feel really bad about it…because I used to think I was a failure because my heart rather go on an adventure, than stick with one job, follow the normal path and gain secure money and sure as hell that would have made me a lot more money…but I would never have seen the Hollywood Hills at sunset, whilst writing this blog. And words can’t describe how much I love that place and this blog. I thought chasing my dreams made me unhappy as it was so unsettling, but really what made me unhappy was thinking of what others thought of me for doing it. For being a gypsy, an artist, a hippie dreamer (who loves Louis Vuitton). And I was also very scared I’d never succeed and be forced to do work I hate for the rest of my life. But there are ways around everything if you just stop focusing on the traditional path and start making up your own.

I have a right. I am entitled to live as I choose. To explore what I love. Unlike those lions we have caged, I am free.

Who wants to play?

About that kind of sex you like…

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.

- Rumi

I think this is so important I decided to dedicate a whole blog to it. What is that field? Where is it? I don’t know.

I believe in a sense that there is a right and wrong, as we all have our own interpretation of reality based on what we have been through and how our biological make-up looks. We like different smells, tastes, sounds and what have you. What feels right to you, may feel wrong to me. Does that make it right or wrong though or is there an ultimate truth beyond our senses? I believe in an ultimate truth, or I think I do…but I also appreciate individual experiences. An apple is an apple, but we experience it differently through our senses.

I once at a rather young age had the epiphany that what I had been taught looks like blue may not look like blue to others as we don’t know what it looks like to them. I know it’s blue because that’s what I’ve been told and all the blues are the same nuance, but for all that I know to you they may look like what I see when I see the color green (this may not scientifically be true as we may be able to know this somehow, but there might still be a slight difference in how we perceive colors). I.e. our senses may vary (the thing itself doesn’t vary…but maybe it does according to quantum physics???) and my epiphany wasn’t really about just the color blue, it was about all things perceived through our senses. If you think about it – many things to us are very different to what other animals perceive them as. Animals with good hearing can hear sounds that sound like silence to you.

I also believe there are some things that are wrong in the sense that they inflict harm on others. At the same time I believe there is no right and wrong for the same reason as we are individuals with a different sense of perceiving the world. Whereas I think it wrong to kill a man, a wolf will consider a man food and see it as right to kill the man, just as the hunter consider it right to kill a wolf.

And then, beyond all that, I think there is love and if you live attuned to that, that’s a place where all is allowed as all actions will spring from love and thereby serve the world at large. A place where there is no judgment, as all is good. Where the neighbors will not pick on what colors you choose to paint your walls in, or how you live your life in general, because that’s of no importance. The only thing of importance is you living in love. I believe it is this field that sprung to mind when I read the words – a society free of judgment of things that are of no importance. For me societal pressure, or “judgment,” has bugged me many times and still does. A society that I myself judge as many times being “wrong.”He who hath notsinned cast the first stone…

I guess for me, freedom would be to act in accordance with my heart and having everyone else act in accordance with their hearts, without judging each other.

When I hear the words by Rumi I simply imagine myself next to someone, on a field, exploring life. Where there is no right, or wrong, only truth, life, love and exploration…maybe even naked exploration…

When I met you, I was naked…

I have met a few people this year. Some which passed by without a stir and some which have shocked me greatly. I believe though, above and beyond anything, I have shocked myself greatly, because I showed up naked at times and at other times I would have been happy to be naked. No my darlings, I did not show up in the nude. I was just bare to my soul and happy to be so. Much more tantalizing, don’t you think? Nudity is an over exploited part of Hollywood and I abuse it in my headlines…

So anyhow…in all my nakedness I met a lot of people. Now the fascinating thing is I met famous people, I met rich people, I met personal development gurus and I met, let’s say, rivals in love (although I don’t really think you can have rivals in love…love is what it is and will be what it already is….the rest is just confusion – ego, thoughts, behaviors…whatever….but you may have to sort out the ego, thoughts and behaviors…). And as I stood there naked to the core, sometimes shocked beyond belief, my thoughts were: “I’m happy to be me.”

That I was happy to be me is the really, really incredible bit. I did not want to become like them, even if they had things I desired. I wasn’t floored and awed either. Me, little me that usually gape at successful people in awe, was not floored. Nor did I want to suck up to them in any way. Because I was happy I was no longer desperate to have what they had – i.e. I had no need to suck up to them – if I was going to get it, it would be on my terms and if that wouldn’t work…then I’d rather be single, penniless and unknown. Of course, I rather think it’s up to me to change all that, but I don’t feel inferior without it, or like I need it to be happy. To me that’s massive because I have spent a lifetime sucking up to others, wanting their approval, or wanting what they had, thinking “it would make me happy.”

I guess it was the realization that people who I have always looked up to, may not be that happy after all. They may have succeeded in one way or another, but their interiors are still a mess. And I wouldn’t want to exchange my new-found happiness for any of that. Nor would I want anything that isn’t in harmony, or resonating with that.

I still want to find fame (i.e. outreach), fortune (to be able to realize various pursuits) and love (dah), but it will be on my terms….or well – all things are two, or more energies coming together to form a third, so there will be co-operation. I’m just no longer a slave to where I want to go in life, or what I want out of life. The difference is simple. Say I’m in love with a man. I love this man. I 100% wanna be with him, but what he offers me in the form of a relationship is not what I want – whether he wants an open relationship, isn’t prepared to be honest with me, or just isn’t that into me (or whatever, we all have different wants). Then I won’t have it. I doubt I will be in love with a man who doesn’t offer me roses if I’m offering myself roses because of resonance, but you get what I’m on about. Either we settle on terms that are good for all, or we both sort out our internal roses and then talk about it, or we don’t settle at all.

In the past I would have gotten frustrated if I didn’t get what I want, now I look to myself, because I believe in resonance. If life isn’t offering me what I want, then what is it I’m not giving myself? Love perhaps? I simply believe if you love yourself and your heart is open, what resonates with you will come to be – in life, in business, in love. And I’ve never been at that point before because when I want something I want something and I’ve sacrificed myself to get it which has led to disaster after disaster, because obviously it wasn’t right, it wasn’t resonating with me. As my friend says: “Learn to use your hands and you won’t be desperate for a man. If a man ain’t treating royal P like royal P, he ain’t gonna get royal P.” This makes me laugh till I cry, but she has a point…

When I want something I give all of me – believe me neither man, nor business opportunity will pass me by without me giving my all (and maybe for the first time I am giving my all, not just my energy and determination, because I’m fine with who I am so I don’t feel a need to protect myself…or well, there are a few areas left…), but that’s it. That’s all I can do. I can’t manipulate events in my favor. I don’t want to. I want what’s true to my core to be part of my life. The rest is not gonna make me one ounce happier anyway. That doesn’t mean I don’t get angry, frustrated, or upset when things don’t go my way -  I can swear and sometimes for a long time, but it means I return to my core, to my calm, to love and to letting things flow. I go back to me and look at if I have to let go of ego, thoughts and behaviors. And I feel calm because I have faith that if I set myself free and I love, it will all be fine. When the time is right, the right things will enter. And in the meantime I’m just jumping around naked, happy to be me. You should join me – it’s like being a toddler again – total freedom.

Masturbation v. 5.0…

The other night I came home and felt like quite the babe – hair just the right kind of messy, dirty blonde look, smoky eyes and a little black dress. I looked great. I felt so appalled by the idea of getting out of my clothes and into my PJs, that I put on a swanky little nightdress, even if there was only myself around to please, so to speak.

I had a dream the other day. I dreamt that one of my friends got plastic surgery and ended up with the face of Jared Leto, whilst I turned into Angelina Jolie. To me, those are two of the most perfect faces I have ever seen in my life. However, I did not like my friend becoming Jared and I did not fancy being Angelina either. There was one moment in the dream when I stared at my friend, just wanting the person I loved back.

Waking up from this dream I was over the moon and some – I was radiant. To me the symbolism in the dream was clear – I love who I am and I love who the people in my life are, as they are. They are beautiful. I love their quirks, their kookiness, their wits and charms and the fact that they don’t all look the same. Each face has its own lines, its own stories printed there.

Whoever you are, you are unique. You have your own personality, your own stories written in the way you shake a hand, touch a cheek, run along a street or structure a deal. You and only you are you. And there is something extremely beautiful about that.

If you are living out what is in your heart, if you are true to yourself, then you will be happy with who you are and your heart will be imprinted in everything you do and in every line of your face, every movement of your body.

Even if I can’t always wear a swanky dress as it doesn’t suit the occasion, I know that in everything I do that my heart is in, is absolutely beautiful. I know that I am beautiful, just like you are. I’m damned pleased with myself. I think I’m gonna masturbate this thought for as long as possible. Maybe even a lifetime. I do intend to make love to my man too though. Make love to those imperfectly perfect lines of his face…the lines that tell his story…the story that make him him. The story that makes me love him.

When your sex life is a mess…

Did I fuck you, or you fuck me, or did we just fuck?

If someone says: “Honestly, our sex life is terrible darling,” how do you deal with it? Do you start to defend your moves and grooves in the bedroom? Do you get angry? Do you feel fear for being judged, with no allowance for improvement? Do you blame it on the person who uttered the words? Would you rather end the relationship than having to question and/or sort out your own/your partners abilities? Did you already know it, but neglected it as you’d rather have a poor sex life than dare to bring it up with your partner and risk ending up with no sex life at all? Did your partner utter the sentence filled with love, compassion and a willingness to do her/his utmost to create the most marvelous sex life on the planet, or was s/he filled with blame, anger, fear, or frustration? How honest are you prepared to be when questioning your sex life and other relationships, including the one you have with yourself (no not your masturbation techniques, different chapter)?

Honesty. We talk about it a lot, or at least many of us throw it out as a description rather often. “I like honesty. I want honest friends and employees. Honesty is a good trait. Honest people are nice.” Yet, what is honesty? You can be honest with someone and yet only tell them part of the bigger picture. You can use honesty to hurt, or to heal. You can speak honestly from your mind, with your heart completely closed. What is good honesty?

I started thinking about stories recently…or, well, I always think about stories, but this week in particular as I heard three different versions of the same story, one being my own version. So I started pondering how honest the three different stories were. In all fairness I can’t say that anyone was lying, but due to different people choosing to talk about different parts of the story and ignoring others, the story looked very different from the three different perspectives. It’s like saying: “Jake took my purse.” v.s. “Jake took my purse to go buy the oranges I asked him to buy for me as my car broke down and they were too heavy to carry on foot.” In one story Jake is a thief, in the other a hero.

It can also be a very different story depending on if a person is constructing a story to work in their favor, or just sharing from their heart exactly what they are feeling.

What’s more, it can, of course, get very confusing if the person who is sharing the story isn’t thinking with their heart, but rather with their mind and have no clue of what they are actually feeling or what was really going on as they saw it through their own lenses, their own filters of reality. If you are very perceptive you may even feel that they are saying one thing, but feeling another, but they themselves don’t even know it – if anything they may just not be able to make the story make sense in their own minds. If, on the other hand, they are speaking with both their heart and mind and the two are disagreeing – one minute their heart is speaking, the next minute their mind and the mind and heart have opposing ideas of what is true – it can get even more confusing. For example, from January or so this year my heart was telling me to go to London for God knows what reasons, but my mind was telling me to stay in LA for plenty of reasons. Now, until I had figured this out maybe I shouldn’t have been confusing other people with my ideas back and forth, but that’s easier said than done as we often blurt out what’s going on in our hearts and minds to those close to us.

My choice of cities could have further confused people if say, with person A I always spoke from my heart, person B my mind, person C I didn’t tell anything at all to and person D got both my heart and mind. How I related to these people may be much because of how they related to me and/or much because of what I was most connected to at the time (heart, or mind). It may also be that I didn’t know up from down myself and simply shared whatever I believed/perceived to be the truth, but that may still not stop them from thinking I should have acted differently in my story telling once they found out what my final decision was (to stay stuck in the middle, or follow my heart, or mind). What’s more, they might very well have their own idea about what my mind and my heart should be like, as it would suit them better. Story telling can be bloody confusing until the day you say sayonara to everything but your own heart. Screw everything else: it’s the heart that counts. (That’s my not so humble opinion.)

If people aren’t listening to their hearts, but rather their logical reasoning, their learned ideas about themselves and life…then they are creating unreal stories in their lives and probably living them too. From an outside perspective you may see that the person got the wrong end of the stick (or the dick), but as the person is believing in the story they have created, it’s their reality. Their emotions are reacting to the story they have created in their minds, however unreal, but the emotions are real. Chemicals have gotten created and the person can feel them, yet something inside may tell them that something dodgy is going on, no matter how great the emotions. Talk about confusion!

What I also came to ponder is the fact that you are continuously creating stories about people and most of the time you aren’t sharing the stories with the people they are about. How many times have you sat down with your friends and shared the story about them and you? How you see your friendship from day one till now? I came to think about this as someone started asking me questions about someone whom I believe I have been honest with. I believe I have shared my heart with them, I have shared my feelings, my thoughts and what have you. What suddenly hit me though is that the story I would tell if someone asked me to tell the complete story from day one till now of our friendship, well that story the person the story is about had never heard.

Think about it like this: you go on vacation, you have a summer fling and you are, in the moment with that person open, free, what have you. When you get home friends ask you about your fling and you tell them a story. A story you probably never told the person you were having the fling with. So even if you were honest with the person at the time, it’s unlikely you sit down and tell them exactly how you see your whole story with them and how it’s impacted your life, the lessons you’ve learnt, what they gave you, etc.

This story creating goes for family, friends, business partners, mentors, what have you – we are constantly creating stories and, at times, very biased stories. Even when people tell you you are a great blessing, they really appreciate you, you have brought them joy and wonders, they may never get anymore specific than that. You may think you gave them one thing, but they may feel utterly blessed for another that you didn’t even consider a gift.

What further came to mind is that when we build connections with people, if we do so based on a story we have invented, rather than a genuine connection springing from our heart and soul, we are bound to live in fear. Fear that the money, or looks, or moves we used to impress them with will sooner or later fade, or they will discover we never possessed them in the first place. The story I used to choose to tell men could be rather fascinating, whether I told it in words, or actions, or the way I chose to dress. I liked to sort of…hmm…sex things up and remove the emotions as somewhere along the way I started to think that men want heartless women who are great in bed and will leave them when the morning comes. I was potentially mistaken in this conclusion. Just potentially. I also, at some point, came to realise that if I tell this heartless sex story I will end up with men that want something I can’t offer, as uh, I do have emotions, I do care and I do make people breakfast in bed. If you don’t like to be doted on, I’m not your girl.

My logical mind was trying to protect my heart by living in accordance with an idea it had gotten from information that had been provided, but the only way to protect your heart is to be true to your heart and live from a space of love. When you are what you want, you get what you want, whether you logically realise what that is or not.

Another thought appeared to me as I was talking about person A together with person B. Now, it was quite clear that we perceived this person very differently, so it hit me that it might be a bad idea to listen to another person’s idea of someone as they have created a story based on who they are first and foremost, not who the person they are talking about is. Also, how the person they describe relates to them is much because of what they put out there. If we believe a person is a devil it may be because we made them behave as a devil, or appeared as a devil to them. If we believe a person is an angel, it may be because we behaved as an angel to them, or appeared as an angel to them. Of course we all have individual responsibility – if someone tells me I’m an ass I can tell them I don’t agree and that’s that, or I can slap them, or tell the whole world they are an asshole – my behavior, no matter how “triggered” by someone else, is my choice. And speaking of which: when we create stories we often say “because s/he did this, I did that, or I learnt this, or I feel like this.” Now, that’s making them responsible and you are the one whose life is being ruled by someone else. Know that you can, to some extent at least, choose what to think and how to react. It’s like a history class with Mr Y – one student loves Mr Y and history, another student hates history, but loves Mr Y. Yet another student hates history and Mr Y and yet another one hates Mr Y, but loves history. Now, who will try to learn about history during these classes and who will occupy their minds more so with the teacher than with the subject? And who will choose to disregard their own preconceived ideas and just get on with the topic at hand and learn what they need to learn?

As I see it, if you want to learn about life, then every person you meet and every event you are part of becomes a tool for learning; an asset if you so like for gaining deeper knowledge and becoming more able to deal with things yet to come. If you, on the other hand, think life is nothing but a series of unexplainable and unpredictable events you may not ponder about it at all and, consequently, think you have no say about how your life goes – you are at the mercy of others and life itself.

Because I believe that you mainly (not necessarily always as there are other influences too) get what you attract (or consciously/sub-consciously look for and therefore walk up to when you spot it), I don’t necessarily want to blame anyone for what they so to speak caused me – I want to look inside myself so that I can create what I want within me and therefore be drawn to what I want in the future. And let’s face it – it’s often when things go tits up that we start to question what’s going on inside. We don’t always stop to ponder the small things, but when there is no way of closing our eyes to what’s going on, we are forced to listen and, therefore, if we so wish, start changing things within ourselves.

Taking responsibility for your insides does not make other people nice if they do something unpleasant, nor does it mean that you should stick around them. It simply means that you may wanna have a look inside of you to see what created this, whether it was fear, suppressed anger, belief systems…you name it. Otherwise you are likely to end up in the same situation, or with a similar influence in your life, whether event or person, in the future. You may actually be pushing/provoking situations and people to prove your ideas right. Most things for that matter can be sorted with a bit of love – live from a place of love and your life will take blissful turns. When I say this I also have to point out that living from a place of love does not mean getting rid of your spine – stand up for yourself, point out when people are abusing their relationship with you, just do so from a place of love and compassion. Soon that love and compassion will come back to you. I believe whatever you talk about, even the unpleasant stuff, needs to come from this place. If nothing else, it removes people’s’ wish to defend themselves and go against your words. It removes fear and anger. If you want to be honest just to hurt someone, you may as well lie – it will have equally disastrous effects. If it doesn’t come from a space of love, it will backfire.

So guys, next time you talk to your lover about your sex life…have a heartfelt think before you blame them for the sexperiment where you did the doggie dressed in pink leather atop the Empire State Building…or praise them for the best sex of your life – maybe it just so happened that you were co-creating that experience… Go make love to the world – honestly speaking, it could do with some TLC…

A sexy masquerade…or shall we say striptease???…

It’s nice with masquerades, isn’t it? On the one hand they give us a chance to display some hidden part of our character, on the other a chance to hide underneath….well, a mask. We can do anything because it’s not really us – it’s the mask.

There are different types of masks you can buy in the streets of Venice. There are the ugly ones, the fancy ones, the crazy ones, the sexy ones, the colorful ones, the scary ones, the discrete ones, the extreme ones, the beautiful ones…you can pick and choose whatever/whomever you want to show up as, much like you can pick and choose your “mask” for the day. You pick your dress code and your attitude and wear it like a mask, unless it is a complete representation of whom you truly are in your heart.

In theatre we often do a lot of work with masks; either because we are portraying a different character, or because we are doing neutral mask work. With neutral mask work I mean we put on a plain mask and explore what life feels like when we “wake up” with this mask. It’s kind of like a baby waking up with fresh eyes and behind that mask you are in a sense free to be whomever you want. You don’t have to be what your past shaped you into being anymore. At the same time you feel you can truly be who you are – innocent, open, vulnerable…because underneath the mask you are safe.

I often think of this blog as a mask – although there are times when I share directly what comes from my heart and soul, I often hide the message underneath some sexy cover. Yes, the sexy cover is to make it fun, spice it up, add some magic…but at the same time it’s a very nice mask. Sexy to me has always been a mask to hide that I have a heart. A hear that feels. A heart that bleeds. A heart that heals. A heart that loves. It’s just easier to show my stilettos rather than my bare feet.

Of course I also chose this mask because some part of me was longing to be really sexy and I was always shy so I never lived it out to the full. Blogging about it opened me up more, just like the person who dreamed of being a singer all their life, whilst wearing a mask representing Elvis or Michael Jackson, may dare to live out that side of their personality, because it’s not real so long as they are wearing the mask. They are just acting someone else.

So in a way this blog is my way to practice being as free with being sexy as I like, on the other hand the sexiness is a cover for the fact that I’m actually pouring my heart out here. I guess because I thought sexy was cool, but pouring your heart out wasn’t. People think I’m “out there” when I talk about sex so openly, but to me that means nothing. Making love is what counts. I was more nervous posting my little love story because that story has lived in my heart for as long as I can remember. I felt more open and vulnerable writing that, because it matters to me. It matters a lot to me and I’m still trying to come to terms with being a romantic fool with a big heart and a love of all things magical. It’s that much easier to act a sharp business woman.

So we put on masks because we have a side of us we want to hide, or another side we want to open up without having to be ourselves. Meaning really we put on masks as we fear people will not like us as we are; raw, uncovered. To open our hearts without a mask to cover it, I believe we need to learn to trust. First ourselves, then others.

I believe if we live with an open heart, not a naive heart, but an open one, we should be able to sense other people’s intentions. However, it may still be worth taking baby steps before you enter into business or a relationship of any kind with someone.

Again, it reminds me of theatre exercises; exercises where you build trust: you allow someone else to walk you around a room blindfolded, learn to fall back into their arms knowing they will catch you, learn to work together by mirroring each others moves – relaxing and following their lead, then them following yours. Step by step you learn to trust the people who will deliver their lines so you can deliver yours and the play will be delivered to the audience as a master piece. In life we don’t always take that time to build trust and if we aren’t lucky, we get hurt. We basically don’t test the waters – we just sail straight away…and maybe that’s why we feel the need for masks?

Masks can be very sexy…there’s something mystical and alluring about them, but I do believe that what comes straight from the heart will always be sexier. Someone who can be sexy straight from the heart, someone who can be naked and feel sexy next to the one they love will be more sexy than the person who can pull a striptease routine on a stage, wearing the mask of a stripper. Because after all, underneath that mask; they are a human too.

Would you like to do the tango, naked in Paris???

Tango á Paris peut-être???

Before night overtakes the last minutes of evening I would like to write something down. It’s so easy to close our eyes like night closes in over day when it comes to our own feelings, our own emotions. I may search, but sometimes I avoid the most obvious answers. Not because they are difficult to see, but because they are difficult to see without fear.

In the same way it is sometimes hard to see why certain events happen to us, why we meet certain people and why things turn out the way they do.

I don’t know if everything in life happens for a reason. I know we can learn from everything which happens to us, or which we happen to. So many times though, I blame other people for what happens, or how it happens.

Now, if the law of attraction is true and to some extent at least I believe it is (you don’t swallow the candy if it tastes bad to you, so if you go close to certain people, events, etc. I’m sure it’s because on some level or another, pleasant, or unpleasant, they resonate with you), well then you are responsible for a lot of things. The world may end up in a war and you may not have manifested this, that’s for certain, because there’s the group consciousness as well, or what have you, but if we keep things on a more personal level… Intuitively I know if a bus is about to come, and things like that, as well as having a formidable ability of knowing when certain people will contact me, so I’m sure I can tap into other things as well. There’s gotta be some sort of energy we pick up on, if we are connected.

Hypothetically speaking, let’s assume for a while that we are responsible to some more personal things which come into our life – things we had a taste of and decided to get a second helping of at least. You saw what was there and you agreed to more. You got into the relationship, you are still holding down the job, you are still friends…whatever it is you agreed to.

Say for example your boss keeps promising you a better position, or a raise, but for the last half a year you only got a bonus. Now it’s easy to think that your boss is wrong, right? I mean they don’t deliver on their promises! Point being though: the boss may be wrong, but you sitting around moaning about it won’t help – it will only put you in a bad mood and potentially your partner/colleagues/friends too. Either you accept the boss for being who they are, or you find another boss, or become your own boss. Of course, you can raise the issue with them, if you think this will help the situation. Do whatever you like to resolve that the boss either give you your promotion/raise, or shut the fuck up as it’s empty talk otherwise and giving you false hope. You are in the situation so either you change it, or accept it. Even if your choice is to wait six months before you change the situation, the whole point is that somewhere you have an input. A choice. And what energy you use and what attitude you have going about making a decision for what you want and how to achieve it will make an impact on what results you create for yourself in the end. For sure.

Say you are around someone who keeps telling you how sexy and amazing you are and how much they want to fuck your brains out. Maybe they are a colleague at work, a friend, or even an ex. Similarly, it may be someone you are dating that’s saying they really want to take that next step with you and go exclusive…but it’s been like that for a while. The exclusivity “real” relationship just isn’t happening. Now most women (and some men) get attached to this talk as much as a man (and some women) get attached to the idea of a raise at work. They also, usually, come up with a gazillion psychological reason for why nothing comes out of it and why they should stay attached to this kind of talk. They often say they stay attached to it because the guy/gal is “simply divine…” Everything they ever dreamt of. Kind of like a lovely piece of chocolate dangling in front of their nose, but just far enough away so that they can’t reach it and have a bite. If they did they’d probably realize that this chocolate has its bitter nuances too, but for the time being it’s idealized. It’s a dream.

People always have an excuse for their love interest’s behavior; the guy or gal is too scared, too this, too that (usually backed up by stories about their childhood/past relationships). Fuck that. Whatever the reason: if they want you more than the excuse, or more than the chick in a bikini, or six-pack next to you, they will go get it. AND: If they just feel like flirting, or dating you casually, well that’s their business. A lot of people probably flirt with you and you don’t give the monkeys. How you receive it is up to you.

Secondly, say even if they were a coward – in their heart, truly they want to be with you, but they are sincerely afraid, whether to break their own heart, or yours, or they just have a phobia about relationships. Then it is their “fault” that you aren’t together. It’s not that you don’t fit. You are, in fact PERFECT for each other (ever heard a girl say that?? tihihihihi), the other person just has psychological issues about it. Hang on now…so they don’t want to get together, whether that’s because they’re a coward or that’s because they don’t like you enough. The reason…does it matter? Are they really Mr or Mrs Perfect if they DON’T want to be with you??? If you want a loving relationship with your soulmate, why are you wanting to be with someone, who for whatever reason isn’t that into you? You must not want to have a loving relationship…because that’s not what you are going after right now…aha. (If a person truly has issues, or fears, but truly want to be with you…in all likelihood they will say they will do whatever it takes to work it out…or if they think they can’t: tell you they love you, but will now leave you alone to live a better life, or you can hang out with them knowing they may not give you what YOU want. “Here’s to looking at you kid…”)

You hear the same stuff with friendships: a friend doesn’t treat you right. OK. Check if this is true, or it’s just that you THINK they don’t treat you right. Have you made up a story in your mind based on facts, or illusions? We all weave meaning into things that don’t necessarily have any meaning at all. (This is re relationships, but can’t we all relate to: You are feeling oh so cuddly and huggly-snuggly…you can’t wait for your partner to come home. They come home in a bad mood, stomp into your bedroom and close the door. No hugs. No kisses. No cuddling in front of the fireplace. You feel unloved. They aren’t thinking about you when you want them to. But truly, they are just worried about work and trying to sort that out, not wanting to be around you so that you catch their negative energy. Or they don’t do the dishes and you feel disrespected…but they’ve never done the dishes in their entire life. Or they forgot to bring home the thing from the shop that they so happily promised to bring home for you…but they always forget things. They were loving you. In their way.) Confront the person about it (without blame, with all the love you feel for them in your heart). Either accept them for who they are, or leave.

Sometimes it sucks. You want to stay in your current job AND get a raise. You want to have the guy/gal you are dating AND a loving relationship. You want to keep your friend AND have a good friendship. And sometimes that works, but sometimes you have to choose one over the other and during the “break-up” period it sucks, because you are still missing what you wanted. You haven’t yet found the new, perfect solution. You just know you ARE moving towards what you want, rather than staying around something that will not give that to you.

We aren’t all free to live our lives. Many people on this planet are held captured by wars, regimes, prisons…but those of us that are free to live as we please…well, we are free. No one is stopping us but ourselves to live as we please. The ball is not in someone else’ court, it’s in yours. If the boss doesn’t praise you enough, if your friend doesn’t love you enough, if your partner doesn’t have sex with you enough…it’s time to make a choice. Can you change things around? Or is the job worth the boss? Is the friendship worth the lack of love? Is the marriage worth the lack of sex? Whoever you interact with may be “wrong” about what they do (in your eyes), but it’s up to you whether to fix it if possible, stick with it, or leave it. You may not purposefully have ended up there, but you can purposefully leave.

Yes, goodbyes hurt, crushing the dream hurts, but living in an illusion may hurt more. Living in pain may hurt more. And having nagging thoughts…is just bloody annoying.

Sometimes you need to turn what you have into your dreams. Stay and make it happen. Pour love into it till it blossoms. Many a lemon can be turned into a lemonade.

Make sure that whatever you do, it’s a loving dance. Your energy needs to melt together with whatever other energy to create a dance. A dance where you both move in harmony with the music you are creating together. This is the beauty of creation – it’s two or more forces coming together to create something amazing.

Love to you all, follow your heart.

Skype sex…

Someone suggested I’d blog about Skype sex and to quote said person: I aim to please and shoot to thrill…so I am now blogging about Skype sex. “Hello darling, would you like a blow job?” “Yes please honey, let me just get the vacuum cleaner out…” I’m sorry. It was the first thing that came to mind… I really have no opinion about Skype sex, but I’m sure, as most sex, it can be rather marvelous.

Skype sex reminds me of many things in life…how we only get a glimpse of something at first…how it’s only a tiny bit of the whole, so to speak (as I imagine Skype sex wouldn’t quite be as good as real sex…like, just one piece of the pie, what not the whole…)…kinda like peeking at something through a keyhole, rather than entering the room (I’m not meaning this as a metaphor…I mean it was a metaphor…but not that kind of metaphor….I just realized the other metaphor half-way through…ahem…)

It’s like when you first meet a guy, or gal…they are not yet quite real…they are part real, part imagination. You know that first glimpse, when you turn your head to have another? For example people with messy hair á la Pattison catch my eye…yes, pathetic, I know…but his hair is just….ding-dong I fell on the floor as I got caught up in my heels whilst looking at you wonderful… …where was I? And that’s it. Where were you? What were you thinking? It was just a glimpse…but you got all caught up in that tousled hair and that smile…and that smell…and those muscles… *sigh*

At other times we throw a glimpse at someone, and another, and another…and we take it really slow….reeeaaallllyyyy slow….not because we are trying to hold our horses, but because we are scared of what it would mean to open the gates. To really let someone inside.

And this doesn’t go just for people – we fall in love with ventures, with a house, with a city…at a glimpse…or we slowly, slowly, move in that direction, frightened what it would mean to truly let go. To set our desires free and dance with the wind. To follow our passion one hundred percent. To open our heart and listen to our soul. To truly live, not in the shadow of life, but in the sunshine. Giving it our all, every moment, of every day. To dance.

Laugh…set your laughter free…let it create a symphony on its own and dance to rejoice in the music. Don’t run: dance. If you cannot dance it’s because you have forgotten how to relax and follow the tune, not because you cannot dance. We can all dance to the music of our heart.

I stole this photo from BBC…but I believe love ‘n’ laughter should be free for all…

I said hello, you fool, I love you…come on and join the joyride…

Yeah, I’m quoting Roxette. It’s alright. I have an excuse: I’m Swedish. When walking around town the other day my best friend looked at me and did a little jump: “I love you,” she said and laughed. I told her I loved her too. It’s emotional discomfort month and I had forgotten to tell her I loved her thus far that day. She has taken such a joy in this habit she now reminds me if I forget to say it.

People change with love. Their features soften. Their smiles shine brighter. Their hearts grow warmer. They look cozy, comfortable and inviting.

Image via Wikipedia

When you see beauty…..a smile, a look, a touch of that thing……….when you see something you love, do you share that? Do you tell the person what beauty you just caught a glimpse of? Do you invite them to open the door to their inner gorgeousness just a tad more? Do you open that door yourself? Do you allow yourself to feel happy about who you are? Do you invite others to see the beauty that is you?

I don’t know darlings, but this emotional discomfort month is changing my life…and that of those around me. I feel…I feel more alive. More on fire. More like a light rather than a shadow. More intense. More awake. More pulsating and warm. More free. I’m not just sharing my opinions, I’m sharing my emotions, my love and my heartfelt desires with the world. The jail I always felt captured me is now crumbling to dust. I am free.

By complimenting someone you are setting them free from their worst demons: their own disbelief in themselves. Their own negative thoughts are being conquered. They think you are their mirror. If you display joy, they will believe they are joy. If you display love, they will believe they are love. If you smile, they will think they are the reason for your smile.

Maybe your love alone will not transform the entire world…yet it will because everything you touch, that is capable of feeling your touch, will turn to gold. And that gold in turn will turn other things into gold. Your warmth will spread. Your light will brighten the night sky and you will be surrounded by your own light.

And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while…’cuz you are amazing just the way you are…

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