If someone says: “Honestly, our sex life is terrible darling,” how do you deal with it? Do you start to defend your moves and grooves in the bedroom? Do you get angry? Do you feel fear for being judged, with no allowance for improvement? Do you blame it on the person who uttered the words? Would you rather end the relationship than having to question and/or sort out your own/your partners abilities? Did you already know it, but neglected it as you’d rather have a poor sex life than dare to bring it up with your partner and risk ending up with no sex life at all? Did your partner utter the sentence filled with love, compassion and a willingness to do her/his utmost to create the most marvelous sex life on the planet, or was s/he filled with blame, anger, fear, or frustration? How honest are you prepared to be when questioning your sex life and other relationships, including the one you have with yourself (no not your masturbation techniques, different chapter)?
Honesty. We talk about it a lot, or at least many of us throw it out as a description rather often. “I like honesty. I want honest friends and employees. Honesty is a good trait. Honest people are nice.” Yet, what is honesty? You can be honest with someone and yet only tell them part of the bigger picture. You can use honesty to hurt, or to heal. You can speak honestly from your mind, with your heart completely closed. What is good honesty?
I started thinking about stories recently…or, well, I always think about stories, but this week in particular as I heard three different versions of the same story, one being my own version. So I started pondering how honest the three different stories were. In all fairness I can’t say that anyone was lying, but due to different people choosing to talk about different parts of the story and ignoring others, the story looked very different from the three different perspectives. It’s like saying: “Jake took my purse.” v.s. “Jake took my purse to go buy the oranges I asked him to buy for me as my car broke down and they were too heavy to carry on foot.” In one story Jake is a thief, in the other a hero.
It can also be a very different story depending on if a person is constructing a story to work in their favor, or just sharing from their heart exactly what they are feeling.
What’s more, it can, of course, get very confusing if the person who is sharing the story isn’t thinking with their heart, but rather with their mind and have no clue of what they are actually feeling or what was really going on as they saw it through their own lenses, their own filters of reality. If you are very perceptive you may even feel that they are saying one thing, but feeling another, but they themselves don’t even know it – if anything they may just not be able to make the story make sense in their own minds. If, on the other hand, they are speaking with both their heart and mind and the two are disagreeing – one minute their heart is speaking, the next minute their mind and the mind and heart have opposing ideas of what is true – it can get even more confusing. For example, from January or so this year my heart was telling me to go to London for God knows what reasons, but my mind was telling me to stay in LA for plenty of reasons. Now, until I had figured this out maybe I shouldn’t have been confusing other people with my ideas back and forth, but that’s easier said than done as we often blurt out what’s going on in our hearts and minds to those close to us.
My choice of cities could have further confused people if say, with person A I always spoke from my heart, person B my mind, person C I didn’t tell anything at all to and person D got both my heart and mind. How I related to these people may be much because of how they related to me and/or much because of what I was most connected to at the time (heart, or mind). It may also be that I didn’t know up from down myself and simply shared whatever I believed/perceived to be the truth, but that may still not stop them from thinking I should have acted differently in my story telling once they found out what my final decision was (to stay stuck in the middle, or follow my heart, or mind). What’s more, they might very well have their own idea about what my mind and my heart should be like, as it would suit them better. Story telling can be bloody confusing until the day you say sayonara to everything but your own heart. Screw everything else: it’s the heart that counts. (That’s my not so humble opinion.)
If people aren’t listening to their hearts, but rather their logical reasoning, their learned ideas about themselves and life…then they are creating unreal stories in their lives and probably living them too. From an outside perspective you may see that the person got the wrong end of the stick (or the dick), but as the person is believing in the story they have created, it’s their reality. Their emotions are reacting to the story they have created in their minds, however unreal, but the emotions are real. Chemicals have gotten created and the person can feel them, yet something inside may tell them that something dodgy is going on, no matter how great the emotions. Talk about confusion!
What I also came to ponder is the fact that you are continuously creating stories about people and most of the time you aren’t sharing the stories with the people they are about. How many times have you sat down with your friends and shared the story about them and you? How you see your friendship from day one till now? I came to think about this as someone started asking me questions about someone whom I believe I have been honest with. I believe I have shared my heart with them, I have shared my feelings, my thoughts and what have you. What suddenly hit me though is that the story I would tell if someone asked me to tell the complete story from day one till now of our friendship, well that story the person the story is about had never heard.
Think about it like this: you go on vacation, you have a summer fling and you are, in the moment with that person open, free, what have you. When you get home friends ask you about your fling and you tell them a story. A story you probably never told the person you were having the fling with. So even if you were honest with the person at the time, it’s unlikely you sit down and tell them exactly how you see your whole story with them and how it’s impacted your life, the lessons you’ve learnt, what they gave you, etc.
This story creating goes for family, friends, business partners, mentors, what have you – we are constantly creating stories and, at times, very biased stories. Even when people tell you you are a great blessing, they really appreciate you, you have brought them joy and wonders, they may never get anymore specific than that. You may think you gave them one thing, but they may feel utterly blessed for another that you didn’t even consider a gift.
What further came to mind is that when we build connections with people, if we do so based on a story we have invented, rather than a genuine connection springing from our heart and soul, we are bound to live in fear. Fear that the money, or looks, or moves we used to impress them with will sooner or later fade, or they will discover we never possessed them in the first place. The story I used to choose to tell men could be rather fascinating, whether I told it in words, or actions, or the way I chose to dress. I liked to sort of…hmm…sex things up and remove the emotions as somewhere along the way I started to think that men want heartless women who are great in bed and will leave them when the morning comes. I was potentially mistaken in this conclusion. Just potentially. I also, at some point, came to realise that if I tell this heartless sex story I will end up with men that want something I can’t offer, as uh, I do have emotions, I do care and I do make people breakfast in bed. If you don’t like to be doted on, I’m not your girl.
My logical mind was trying to protect my heart by living in accordance with an idea it had gotten from information that had been provided, but the only way to protect your heart is to be true to your heart and live from a space of love. When you are what you want, you get what you want, whether you logically realise what that is or not.
Another thought appeared to me as I was talking about person A together with person B. Now, it was quite clear that we perceived this person very differently, so it hit me that it might be a bad idea to listen to another person’s idea of someone as they have created a story based on who they are first and foremost, not who the person they are talking about is. Also, how the person they describe relates to them is much because of what they put out there. If we believe a person is a devil it may be because we made them behave as a devil, or appeared as a devil to them. If we believe a person is an angel, it may be because we behaved as an angel to them, or appeared as an angel to them. Of course we all have individual responsibility – if someone tells me I’m an ass I can tell them I don’t agree and that’s that, or I can slap them, or tell the whole world they are an asshole – my behavior, no matter how “triggered” by someone else, is my choice. And speaking of which: when we create stories we often say “because s/he did this, I did that, or I learnt this, or I feel like this.” Now, that’s making them responsible and you are the one whose life is being ruled by someone else. Know that you can, to some extent at least, choose what to think and how to react. It’s like a history class with Mr Y – one student loves Mr Y and history, another student hates history, but loves Mr Y. Yet another student hates history and Mr Y and yet another one hates Mr Y, but loves history. Now, who will try to learn about history during these classes and who will occupy their minds more so with the teacher than with the subject? And who will choose to disregard their own preconceived ideas and just get on with the topic at hand and learn what they need to learn?
As I see it, if you want to learn about life, then every person you meet and every event you are part of becomes a tool for learning; an asset if you so like for gaining deeper knowledge and becoming more able to deal with things yet to come. If you, on the other hand, think life is nothing but a series of unexplainable and unpredictable events you may not ponder about it at all and, consequently, think you have no say about how your life goes – you are at the mercy of others and life itself.
Because I believe that you mainly (not necessarily always as there are other influences too) get what you attract (or consciously/sub-consciously look for and therefore walk up to when you spot it), I don’t necessarily want to blame anyone for what they so to speak caused me – I want to look inside myself so that I can create what I want within me and therefore be drawn to what I want in the future. And let’s face it – it’s often when things go tits up that we start to question what’s going on inside. We don’t always stop to ponder the small things, but when there is no way of closing our eyes to what’s going on, we are forced to listen and, therefore, if we so wish, start changing things within ourselves.
Taking responsibility for your insides does not make other people nice if they do something unpleasant, nor does it mean that you should stick around them. It simply means that you may wanna have a look inside of you to see what created this, whether it was fear, suppressed anger, belief systems…you name it. Otherwise you are likely to end up in the same situation, or with a similar influence in your life, whether event or person, in the future. You may actually be pushing/provoking situations and people to prove your ideas right. Most things for that matter can be sorted with a bit of love – live from a place of love and your life will take blissful turns. When I say this I also have to point out that living from a place of love does not mean getting rid of your spine – stand up for yourself, point out when people are abusing their relationship with you, just do so from a place of love and compassion. Soon that love and compassion will come back to you. I believe whatever you talk about, even the unpleasant stuff, needs to come from this place. If nothing else, it removes people’s’ wish to defend themselves and go against your words. It removes fear and anger. If you want to be honest just to hurt someone, you may as well lie – it will have equally disastrous effects. If it doesn’t come from a space of love, it will backfire.
So guys, next time you talk to your lover about your sex life…have a heartfelt think before you blame them for the sexperiment where you did the doggie dressed in pink leather atop the Empire State Building…or praise them for the best sex of your life – maybe it just so happened that you were co-creating that experience… Go make love to the world – honestly speaking, it could do with some TLC…