Through making love, we experience love…

People are people through other people, so an Ubuntu saying goes. I find this an absolutely beautiful take on life and have many times blogged about how we experience ourselves through others. Through others we get to laugh, feel their touch on our skin, see our own beauty and marvel in friendship. In one way you could say that you learn through others who you are. Yet, who we are is not always experienced by others, or even ourselves.

It’s so easy to believe what others say about us, how they react to us and so on, but really, they are part of that reaction. If they are looking at us through their ego, rather than their heart, what they will see is rather different from what their heart would see. And if they are looking at our ego rather than our heart they will also form a very different opinion of us than if they were looking at our heart. Of course they can look at us with their heart, see our heart, but also acknowledg that we are acting out our ego.

We choose every day how we view ourselves – whether from the ego, or the heart. We also choose if we act out our ego, or our heart. When we look at others we choose to see their ego, or their heart and react to them with our ego, or our heart. Sometimes we look at people’s heart, but as they keep responding to life with their ego it can be frustrating watching them, even though of course how they live is up to them and truly, if you are only viewing them from the heart probably all you do is love and let go.

I have had a few ego reactions lately and I started laughing at myself this morning when I realized it doesn’t matter what other people do, or say, so long as I stay true to my heart, the right people will connect with me and form the right kind of relationships with me. For example, let’s use my favourite love and sex metaphors…say you are dating someone and sometimes they live their ego, sometimes their heart. One night this friend of theirs, whom you know likes them, keeps flirting with them. Now, you can either try to control the situation by getting your partner out-of-the-way, or start flirting with them yourself so that their ego recognizes the wonderful qualities of yours as you shake your butt very impressively on the dance floor. You could also walk away whimpering thinking whoever got your partner’s attention is superior to you and you are completely unloveable. Or you can just be a living expression of your heart, connecting with theirs if it is open and leaving it if it is not. If one of your hearts is not open the relationship, in a sense, is dead. There might still be a foundation for it, you might have had your hearts open at various points, but as it stands that’s it. You can keep a relationship together for a lifetime with your egos, but in my mind that’s still a dead relationship.

As I see it, if you live with an open heart and the person you are dating is living mainly from their ego, making ego choices, you won’t wish to be with them anyway. If on the other hand they live from the heart and they choose to flirt with someone else, then they are not for you, as their heart is not resonating with yours. Of course, some people choose to have their hearts open to everybody, not just socially but also sexually. That’s a choice each individual needs to make and be honest with their partner about.

Now that’s just a metaphor, but I believe it applies to many, many situations in life and in the relationships with all those around us work wise and socially as well. We often hold onto things that don’t ring true because of our ego and let go of others for the same reason. When the ego starts choosing our dates, our work and how we live our day-to-day life, even our family life, things start to jar, we feel fear and the need to control ourselves and others. Our self-confidence may very well drop, because we are going after things that don’t truly resonate with us and hence we create havoc along the way and get rejected, or live successfully but without fulfilment. And when you aren’t fulfilled you feel jealousy towards those who seem to be, sometimes wishing to be like them, whereas truly fulfilment comes from living your heart.

My wish to control situations slowly evaporated as I became aware that the only control I need to exercise is to constantly stay tuned with my heart. That’s something I have to remind myself of daily though.

It has long since been my belief that if I live my bare heart, the right people will connect to it and magic will happen. In other words: be a living expression of your heart and your life will become one too.

A lot of things happen below the surface, especially if your heart is not worn on the sleeve…

Showing skin…

I was once standing naked in a room, when a whole bunch of guys stormed in. Luckily I had read a lot of criminal novels, so I knew exactly what to do – run to the door they were entering from, press myself against the wall and sit down. I.e. be in the spot they were the least likely to look at. My stunt succeeded and they never saw me, as a bunch of angry (and dressed) girls chased them out of the room before they got a chance. I was ten to twelve years old and the idea of having a shower in the girls changing room never became the same.

When I was around eight or so I was at daycare one day, sitting with my friends drawing, or something in the hobby room. A boy walked in. A certain boy walked in. The boy every girl fancied. (Including my now best friend, but we didn’t know each other at that stage.) One of my friends burst out “Maria likes you.” He stopped in the doorway, turned to me and went: “Is that true?” The thought “It’s close to Christmas, you shouldn’t lie,” went through my mind. “Yes.” He looked at me a little longer, turned around and left the room.

When I was fifteen there was this guy who I had a lot of classes with. He was an arrogant bastard, but over summer he had turned…soft. He was really popular and had straight As in just about everything. So we used to compete on every test who could score the best. Or rather: he was competing with me and it infuriated me, so of course I started competing with him. He was rather nice sometimes. I remember him trying to explain to his best friend (who was in love with my step-sister for a while…that was a close call to getting an idiot in the house) why one shouldn’t bully people. His best friend did not understand his argument.

So having a competitive nature and all that, and probably thinking this dude was the only one with enough brain cells in a ten-mile radius, I fell in love with him. At first I didn’t really care that much, but then I told a friend of his who went to my class, to try to gauge if he liked anyone. Well, his friend obviously walked straight up to him and said I liked him, having sworn not to do so. And then a couple of interesting weeks of this guy staring at me and doing weird shit to talk to me ensued. So then a rumour started that he liked me. And one day I walked into a classroom when his friend asked him if this was the case, in front of the whole class and just as I walked in he went: “No one could ever fall in love with someone like her.” That was the day I died.

At sixteen I had left the village where I grew up, doing the International Baccalaureate program in another town, so I got rid of most people who considered me a geek and started a new life, where I was absolutely obsessed with covering up my past, especially my non-existing romantic history. Besides, most people at the IB were geeks as they had decided to choose the most difficult high school program that existed. We had to do tests to get accepted. That’s when I wrote about saving the kids in Africa. I did not see myself as the heroine of a romantic adventure, straight from my bookshelf, or anything like that.

Anyway, obsessed with the idea that no one should find out about my non-existing romantic history, I was still quite…me. I loved crazy ideas and stuff, so come Valentine’s I thought it a splendid idea to send a rose to a guy I thought was cute. And I didn’t even like him, he was just cute. But apparently people in Sweden are bit behind and thought this was the news of the century – a girl who joined us in the third year still got to hear this story. I think the poor bloke had never received roses in his life and I felt utterly humiliated.

Age seventeen and on the loose in Vancouver I was starting to feel like the biggest idiot in the world – who has never been with a guy age seventeen? Me. So I made out with some random American soldier who I found repulsive, and who proceeded to tell me about killing people during the war. I then ended up feeling even more ashamed because who is such a low life they decide to make out with a random loser just to make out with somebody?

My love life did perk up after this, but I had sworn on my mother’s grave, or something to that effect, that I would not have sex until I loved someone. And I had to wait until the night I turned twenty-one for this, at which time I had almost succumbed to the idea that no one would ever love me.

I then ended up in a very long relationship with someone, who, in the end decided, the last week, to cheat on me. Which is when I decided that if someone I used to trust with my life can cheat on me…then I’m properly fucked for life. I mean I knew he was cheating, because vivid scenarios played up in my head when he told me what he had been doing for a day – scenarios he was not talking about. I knew whom he had really been with and what he had been doing, but instead of thinking I was psychic, I thought I was going mad.

I felt really good after the break-up, realizing I had been in a relationship that was never quite right beyond the first few months, but I still had nightmares for about six months. And what left me the most scarred was the idea that I had allowed a relationship like that. How I could have accepted that into my life. Not like parts of it, but the end of it. And bless the man, he loved me and I can still happily say I love him, but we were young and we were both idiots in some aspects, including the fact that we stayed with each other for so long.

Fast forward two, or three years and I was just about to move to Los Angeles. Online I met this guy from LA that was just…amazing…and for the first time I felt like someone actually liked me . Truly liked me. A guy that actually turned me on in every way, as opposed to my ex, who never felt quite right. We would talk on the phone and on chat, for like eight hours straight. I let all my guards down. I was certain that was it – it was the first and actually still only time I had felt anything like that. He was simply so right in every way possible. And to his defense he really was looking for love, but I think he is the most emotionally retarded person and cheater I’ve ever met. And by lord I felt humiliated having believed in him. His bed though, was fucking amazing. There’s always a plus side…right? That bed and triple orgasms. Thank you God.

My self-confidence in the last, almost six years, since I was in a steady relationship, has soared. I have realized men chase me. A lot. I have realized I am beautiful and wonderful and amazing. I have more friends and love in my life than I have ever had. I feel so blessed finally setting off for my dream of Africa and working with film, theatre and people. And still, there is a tiny part of me that says I need high heels and an armour of steel to pretend I’m not vulnerable, I have no emotions and I most certainly am fine all by myself. And I need to be just a little bit more perfect.

When I feel hurt, or humiliated in public, just as I did as a kid, I want to shut everyone out and escape to Antarctica. Then I realize I can’t direct Leo Di Caprio in Antarctica and it all goes to hell…but, but…this whole vulnerable thing…I feel I have been doing a good job with it until yesterday. That’s when I wanted to pack my bags for Antartica. And that’s why I’m writing this now. Because it feels so, so cringy. And so real. And I want to be able to be that open. I want for others to have a space to be that real and open. And I really want to attract real and open people into my life.

The only way to attract and be with real and open people, is to be real and open. All this shit in my past means nothing. I still fear people will judge me for it, especially writing it on an open forum like this, but that’s why I want to do it. Because there are millions of people out there who have suffered much worse than me, who think because of their past they can’t be/have/do things. And it’s all utter poppycock, because all you have is this moment. And in this moment, I’m real and open. And the past? It’s gone. I’m a playful, open and honest person. I believe those nude shots proved it (if you missed the latest news, someone published some nude shots of me on Facebook yesterday as they misunderstood the term “only showing certain parts of my body” Well…there was a guitar covering my front… And that’s the day I discovered the difference of being naked in reality – no biggie – and online – biggie. I felt so vulnerable, knowing people could see me in a vulnerable state. “Miss Au Neutral I love being naked and celebrating the body” had a freak show.). Had this not been coupled by someone accusing me of having emotions, I’m sure it would have been fine, but rumour had it I had emotions. And this scenario of all those men went through my head as I saw the shots online. There is still an album on Facebook with a headline saying something like “I loved doing nude shots with Maria, such a natural and happy model, dream come true to capture the female body” and I still catch my breath, even if there are no real nudes in the album…and panic thinking I’m publicly humiliated…but I was just being vulnerable, real and open. Just as I would love.

Showing skin is cool. In every sense of the word.

Flash dancing…

Why I love sinners…

Behind each negative pattern, is a frightened child...

I don’t know about you, but it was a while since I lost my virginity….and then there were a few other things… Have you ever sinned? Have you ever cheated on anyone? Stolen something? Beaten someone? Wanted to commit suicide? Let someone down? Been a drug addict? Had abusive relationships? Been a tad anorexic? Had sex with half the world, by accident rather than by design? Then, you’ve probably seen some darkness.

Most people fear the dark, because it’s not pleasant not knowing what’s going on around you. When you “sin” you are in the dark, because you have no fucking clue of why you can’t stop yourself from doing what you are doing. You don’t want to do it, yet your desire to do it is stronger than your want not to.

Why we do “bad” things is individual. Some people were molested as children, have a guilt complex around sex and end up having “guilty” sex. They dislike themselves for it and to prove their own dislike, their own self-hatred true, they keep repeating it. They buy into the idea that that’s who they are, whereas really, that’s a learned behavior, a learned pattern – a set of emotions that get triggered and then acted out. Nothing to do with their heart, if in their heart they disagree.

For many people the idea that you can’t stop yourself from having sex with someone is absurd, yet they can’t stop themselves from something as simple as eating a chocolate bar. Of course, the chocolate bar appears more normal than having sex with people you don’t want to have sex with, unless your weight skyrockets to the point where it isn’t healthy at all. Yet, the person who frowns upon the yes sayers to sex may take into account that the reason they are eating a chocolate bar came from some mild habit, whereas the person that can’t say no to sex may have been under much greater formative influences, such as rape.

Whatever made you end up in a negative circle of “sins” was probably not your choice. I doubt you chose to be molested, have an abusive parent or a parent who wasn’t a good role model, making you think you were doomed to one day become like them, told you were worthless, get bullied, or beaten. I doubt you made a conscious decision to become a wife beater, or a drug addict, but you bought into the ideas the “mirror” (people and events) in your past showed you. And once it happens, once you take too many drugs, hit your girlfriend, obsessively steal other people’s belongings, eat till you are about to burst, or allow yourself to have sex with people you don’t like, you think that’s you, even if you don’t really feel comfortable about it. Well, good news is – if you feel uncomfortable about it, it isn’t you. You are just under a spell where you can’t say no to doing whatever it is you are doing. You do have a choice though – it just takes practice, determination and potentially help to hold you accountable. Listen to your heart – what is it telling you? Follow that voice. And if you can’t make yourself follow it – find someone who can help you do that.

Habits can be hard to detect at times. Sometimes there’s just some discomfort at the back of our mind, or a feeling in our gut, but we don’t stop to listen as life is happening and what we see in front of us gets our attention. Besides, we get used to ourselves – if you are used to feeling fearful before a date, you probably don’t even notice it anymore because it’s circumstance. It’s normal to you, so you don’t question it. Still, there’s nothing normal about being fearful for a date. A bit nervous, yes, but fearful – no. Why would you be fearful? Probably because you fear other’s opinions of you, not trusting that your own opinion should out rule theirs and that your opinion should be that you are nice. You love yourself. If that’s your opinion, you will act from that place, so you will be nice and loving. The thing is – if you are scared of people, your perceived idea about them is negative and that’s the place you are acting from, even if your heart disagrees.

I’ve had negative patterns with people, with food, with men, with health, with depression, with hurt, with love…I mean we all do – we all have patterns, whether good or bad. To me some of my negative patterns were so pronounced that I had to stop, I had to do something about it. I was messed up from my childhood. Yet, as I always say – thanks to the immense pain I went through, I woke up. Some people never do, because the pain never reaches that level, but I decided to change. I didn’t feel like I was a gray mouse in the corner who hated myself and wanted to destroy myself. I felt like I was a playful, naughty little thing with a sense of humor and a huge love of life and love. So I decided to become that woman. I had to set myself free. One thinking pattern at a time. And doing so I discovered thinking patterns I didn’t even know I had – I acted them out all the time, but I wasn’t thinking about what I was thinking about to make me behave like I did. Only when I stopped to listen did I realize what thoughts caused my behavior, where they came from and that they weren’t real. There was a me before that behavior ever started. A me that never agreed with those thoughts, those behaviors. A me that hadn’t yet interpreted events to color my view of myself.

If we love ourselves it will become impossible to hurt ourselves and therefore others. I have never met a person who hurt others unless because they were hurting. Ever. When you love yourself, even if people provoke you, you won’t get mad. You won’t resort to anger, to hurting others. You know they are deluded. You don’t have to suffer because of it.

People are quick to judge others on their patterns, after all, it takes time to get someone to open up and share their heart. And even if they do, they may not be ready to give up their learned behaviors. Their self love may not have reached those levels.

People have sometimes pointed out to me that someone has issues and usually they are right – most people have issues. Some more visible than others. Some more harmful to other people than others. You can still love those people though, of course you can. If you have seen more than their issues, if you have glimpsed their soul, you probably do love them. And if they love you, they won’t want to hurt you, but they may still do. For example, I believe, unlike some women, a man can love one woman and have sex with the entire world, still loving just one woman, but as he doesn’t love himself enough to respect himself, as he thinks he is bad, he acts badly towards her, he fulfills his prophecy, she is hurt, gets angry, kicks him out and all is the same as it always was – he thinks he’s bad, she thinks men can’t be trusted. (Then there is the idea that love is for all and we should all have open relationships allowing ourselves to love whomever we want. That’s another scenario.)

I don’t recommend you get involved with a cheater unless you are OK with open relationships, until the cheater has become a non-cheater. Nor do I recommend you withdraw your love from them just because they are a cheater. Love them. Just don’t put yourself in a position where you will feel abused. And the same goes for everyone who is involved in any way with someone who is, as yet, helpless to their negative behavior patterns.

The good thing about sinners is that they have seen the darkness and therefore, hopefully, have an extreme wish to see the light. They will see it more clearly and with more appreciation than those that have never seen the dark. And those that live in the gray zones may never question them, because it never gets to the point of do or die. Those that hit the darkness know. They know it’s do or die, because the pain, the guilt, the sadness, or whatever it is, becomes unbearable. They have to do something about it. Some sadly don’t have the tools, the support, or the love to do so though. They fail.

I hope in this life that I will never again abuse myself so much that I allow myself to put myself in a situation where I abuse others, or feel abused by others. I hope I will be strong. When my own “self-hatred” slips in, I hope that I remember love and rather than feeding my self-hatred by self-sabotage, or hurting others/putting myself in a situation where I allow others to hurt me, I will choose the love and act from that place.

What’s more, I hope that in this life I will never give up on loving sinners. I believe that somewhere in there is a heart. A heart that may even love you.

Baby, my sex drive is back…

You know when you feel like you suddenly got all your energy, all your powers back: the determination, the fire….the urge to create?! The desire to have sex again?!! After a bit of a sloppy time, whether a day or a month, you wanna scream on top of your lungs “I’m back baby and I’m gonna kick some ass!!!”

I’m back baby, but I’m back in a different way. It may be that I dress in the same clothes I always did when I felt like kicking ass – the same heels and silky pants (only the latest edition), it may even be the same lingerie underneath and the same seduction skills, but me, well I’m different. The fire, the determination, the passion are all the same, but the intention behind it different.

The woman who used to say she was gonna kick ass had something I can only describe as harshness; an attitude of steel; of pretense. She was gonna make it at any cost to prove something. Her need to make it was fueled by anger and born out of a sense of desperation; a need for love, for acknowledgement. The bullied little girl was gonna get an Oscar to say fuck you to the bastards that said she had no voice; no worth. The geek was gonna be a sex goddess and screw you all who didn’t want it when it was offered…ahem (that was: the love that was offered, not the sex…).

The new woman, well, for starters she’s a woman. Then, then…well, she may still have the same edge, the same sharpness about her that she used to have because that’s her style, but even so she wears her heart on her sleeve now. She laughs out loud, she loves out loud – she even cries out loud. She is herself without a layer on top to impress, or another layer to show she doesn’t care about others judgement. She is who she is and she’s here to do what she loves, giving of herself freely. She doesn’t perform a show to have people talk about her, but about what she gave. She’s coming from a place of love, not from a need to impress, or be loved. She’s doing it for herself now; following her own heart. And when she receives love she accepts it, as she has no need to have accomplished something special to receive it.

The pretense, the shell, or mask, that was held together by fear of others fell apart and you can now see the light that was always burning inside. You can see the real woman as she lives out loud what she always felt inside. Yet, some will never see that woman. Some will only see her lack of accomplishment, or her apparent success. Some will forever look to the outside counting checks, or seduction skills. Some already found the real woman years ago – those that looked beneath the surface. Yet others will discover the woman as she is today, seeing the light as it sparkles brightly.

The new woman is no longer a prisoner, nor hidden in the shadows. The light of the silverscreen that she always so desperately dreamt of is now the light in her own life. She is in her own lime light, a sparkling star on her own walk of fame. She realizes that even if she does make it, so if she becomes the hottest thing on the planet, as was once her wish, you can find sex, money and success elsewhere, but you can only find her here. The real her. The real star. And that ladies and gentlemen is an epipahny to write home about – to understand that love isn’t about your talents and that success isn’t about being successful. Love is being loved for your own light, your own heart, and being successful is simply living freely as you are, doing what you love.

Baby my sex drive is back…only this time it’s not someone pulling a stunt; putting on a show to get someone’s attention, trying to prove that she can be loved, or desired, but a woman prepared to love with an open heart and therefore also having a chance of being loved for her heart.

You can do a lot of things to get attention, but you can only do one thing to be loved: be you.

The truth about sex…

...or maybe love 'n' rock 'n' roll???

I mean after all this blogging about sex I just have to give you the truth…wrapped up in a sexy, funny cover as always. I believe that’s my trademark. So here it comes peeps…ready?

I have met a lot of former addicts. Don’t ask me why. They tend to flock to me. Maybe because I hardly drink, I never smoked and I never did drugs. I’ve never had a hangover in my life. I’m a health freak and somehow I still manage to have a blast on the dance floor and I never have trouble with people’s opinion about my life choices. I have met so many people who have told me they can’t live like me because, what would their mates at the pub say? You know what? They don’t give a damn about your lifestyle, so long as you DON’T feel inferior about it, or judge others for their choices, and you prove you can still have fun with them. And they will invariably believe that your cranberry juice is a cranberry and vodka…

I used to be very addicted to success and artistry though. To hard work and to beauty and all other magical things in life. Like Michael Jackson I used to run around talking about “the magic, the beauty…” Yet, I was always sad. I felt broken on the inside, so I tried to fill the outside with beauty, with good times, what have you. To lose myself from the not so cool parts of my life at the time. So I can relate quite a lot. You can be addicted to other things than drugs, that’s for sure. (On the plus side I found out many things in life I love and am truly passionate about.)

I also used to get quite floored by successful people, until one day a man sat in my lap telling me that if he ever “only” made 100-150k a year he might as well kill himself. I began to see the other side of success. Brilliant minds will continue to fascinate me. People who think out of the box, people who have a vast knowledge about things, or people who understand something really well are incredibly stimulating to be around and can teach you a lot. A lot. However, if it comes together with a longing for success, so as to cover up some broken part of their heart…then the success will never make them happy. It will keep their ego afloat, but it won’t make them happy. And if they lose the success… (As I wrote that I almost kicked down my Buddha figure by mistake…ahem…)

Happiness is a lot more attractive than an outer shell. Yes, people who can make enough money to look after themselves are nice. They can survive. It brings you peace of mind. People who are aiming for success for the sake of success though…they are usually not happy. They don’t love themselves as they are, unconditionally. They think that only if they achieve this or that, whether that be being an athlete, or becoming a millionaire, or getting married…whatever, then they will love themselves.

When you feel lonely, or unloved, or inferior, or like you are untalented, or simply not accepted for one reason or another, as human beings we tend to want to fill that void…that not so happy feeling, or emptiness with something else. That’s why people who fall in love when they aren’t whole in themselves end up “needing” their partner in a way that’s more than satisfying the part of you that longs for a happy relationship, sharing life, love and sex. Instead it’s…a drug. Just like chocolate, instead of being a pleasure, becomes a drug. And so does sex, alcohol, work, exercise…what have you. It is something that takes us away from what we feel is a thorn in our heart. Or it’s things that make us relax so we forget about the thorn and fit in without feeling uncomfortable.

“If there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived? Find your passion, whatever it may be. Become it, and let it become you and you will find great things happen for you, to you and because of you.”~ T. Alan Armstrong

Maybe because I used to have a broken ego, I used to feel uncomfortable around people, I used to feel unloved, I used to think love was conditional and I used to lose myself in other things…maybe that’s why I meet all these people. To see myself and love myself, because believe me – even if I can see someone having more issues than the PR offices of Tiger Woods…I can still love them. Because I do see their beauty. They do make me smile. They are incredible people. They are just…a tad blind to their own wonder.

“Touching someone’s heart for a mere second; can touch their soul for a lifetime.”~Jody Patterson

For all the personal development I have studied and success theories I have heard…I believe happiness is love (inside) and I believe success (outside) is creating a life you love…but it starts with love on the inside. With being happy just being, because circumstances will keep changing; that’s life.  …and I believe good sex is due to outside factors…common ideas about what you want in bed, a partner who touches you in a way you enjoy (there’s a difference between the “soft lover” and “the big bear hugs person”), a person whose body turns you on…and good lovemaking is about the inside factors (complimentary purposes and values in life, a true love of one another, a wish to truly be together; mind, body and spirit, speaking each other’s love languages so you feel the love in a way you understand, a wish to blend together as one).

For all the gorgeous people in my life: I love you sooooooooooo much!!!!!!! And to all the people on here: thank you so much for your comments, support and smileys