When your sex life is a mess…

Did I fuck you, or you fuck me, or did we just fuck?

If someone says: “Honestly, our sex life is terrible darling,” how do you deal with it? Do you start to defend your moves and grooves in the bedroom? Do you get angry? Do you feel fear for being judged, with no allowance for improvement? Do you blame it on the person who uttered the words? Would you rather end the relationship than having to question and/or sort out your own/your partners abilities? Did you already know it, but neglected it as you’d rather have a poor sex life than dare to bring it up with your partner and risk ending up with no sex life at all? Did your partner utter the sentence filled with love, compassion and a willingness to do her/his utmost to create the most marvelous sex life on the planet, or was s/he filled with blame, anger, fear, or frustration? How honest are you prepared to be when questioning your sex life and other relationships, including the one you have with yourself (no not your masturbation techniques, different chapter)?

Honesty. We talk about it a lot, or at least many of us throw it out as a description rather often. “I like honesty. I want honest friends and employees. Honesty is a good trait. Honest people are nice.” Yet, what is honesty? You can be honest with someone and yet only tell them part of the bigger picture. You can use honesty to hurt, or to heal. You can speak honestly from your mind, with your heart completely closed. What is good honesty?

I started thinking about stories recently…or, well, I always think about stories, but this week in particular as I heard three different versions of the same story, one being my own version. So I started pondering how honest the three different stories were. In all fairness I can’t say that anyone was lying, but due to different people choosing to talk about different parts of the story and ignoring others, the story looked very different from the three different perspectives. It’s like saying: “Jake took my purse.” v.s. “Jake took my purse to go buy the oranges I asked him to buy for me as my car broke down and they were too heavy to carry on foot.” In one story Jake is a thief, in the other a hero.

It can also be a very different story depending on if a person is constructing a story to work in their favor, or just sharing from their heart exactly what they are feeling.

What’s more, it can, of course, get very confusing if the person who is sharing the story isn’t thinking with their heart, but rather with their mind and have no clue of what they are actually feeling or what was really going on as they saw it through their own lenses, their own filters of reality. If you are very perceptive you may even feel that they are saying one thing, but feeling another, but they themselves don’t even know it – if anything they may just not be able to make the story make sense in their own minds. If, on the other hand, they are speaking with both their heart and mind and the two are disagreeing – one minute their heart is speaking, the next minute their mind and the mind and heart have opposing ideas of what is true – it can get even more confusing. For example, from January or so this year my heart was telling me to go to London for God knows what reasons, but my mind was telling me to stay in LA for plenty of reasons. Now, until I had figured this out maybe I shouldn’t have been confusing other people with my ideas back and forth, but that’s easier said than done as we often blurt out what’s going on in our hearts and minds to those close to us.

My choice of cities could have further confused people if say, with person A I always spoke from my heart, person B my mind, person C I didn’t tell anything at all to and person D got both my heart and mind. How I related to these people may be much because of how they related to me and/or much because of what I was most connected to at the time (heart, or mind). It may also be that I didn’t know up from down myself and simply shared whatever I believed/perceived to be the truth, but that may still not stop them from thinking I should have acted differently in my story telling once they found out what my final decision was (to stay stuck in the middle, or follow my heart, or mind). What’s more, they might very well have their own idea about what my mind and my heart should be like, as it would suit them better. Story telling can be bloody confusing until the day you say sayonara to everything but your own heart. Screw everything else: it’s the heart that counts. (That’s my not so humble opinion.)

If people aren’t listening to their hearts, but rather their logical reasoning, their learned ideas about themselves and life…then they are creating unreal stories in their lives and probably living them too. From an outside perspective you may see that the person got the wrong end of the stick (or the dick), but as the person is believing in the story they have created, it’s their reality. Their emotions are reacting to the story they have created in their minds, however unreal, but the emotions are real. Chemicals have gotten created and the person can feel them, yet something inside may tell them that something dodgy is going on, no matter how great the emotions. Talk about confusion!

What I also came to ponder is the fact that you are continuously creating stories about people and most of the time you aren’t sharing the stories with the people they are about. How many times have you sat down with your friends and shared the story about them and you? How you see your friendship from day one till now? I came to think about this as someone started asking me questions about someone whom I believe I have been honest with. I believe I have shared my heart with them, I have shared my feelings, my thoughts and what have you. What suddenly hit me though is that the story I would tell if someone asked me to tell the complete story from day one till now of our friendship, well that story the person the story is about had never heard.

Think about it like this: you go on vacation, you have a summer fling and you are, in the moment with that person open, free, what have you. When you get home friends ask you about your fling and you tell them a story. A story you probably never told the person you were having the fling with. So even if you were honest with the person at the time, it’s unlikely you sit down and tell them exactly how you see your whole story with them and how it’s impacted your life, the lessons you’ve learnt, what they gave you, etc.

This story creating goes for family, friends, business partners, mentors, what have you – we are constantly creating stories and, at times, very biased stories. Even when people tell you you are a great blessing, they really appreciate you, you have brought them joy and wonders, they may never get anymore specific than that. You may think you gave them one thing, but they may feel utterly blessed for another that you didn’t even consider a gift.

What further came to mind is that when we build connections with people, if we do so based on a story we have invented, rather than a genuine connection springing from our heart and soul, we are bound to live in fear. Fear that the money, or looks, or moves we used to impress them with will sooner or later fade, or they will discover we never possessed them in the first place. The story I used to choose to tell men could be rather fascinating, whether I told it in words, or actions, or the way I chose to dress. I liked to sort of…hmm…sex things up and remove the emotions as somewhere along the way I started to think that men want heartless women who are great in bed and will leave them when the morning comes. I was potentially mistaken in this conclusion. Just potentially. I also, at some point, came to realise that if I tell this heartless sex story I will end up with men that want something I can’t offer, as uh, I do have emotions, I do care and I do make people breakfast in bed. If you don’t like to be doted on, I’m not your girl.

My logical mind was trying to protect my heart by living in accordance with an idea it had gotten from information that had been provided, but the only way to protect your heart is to be true to your heart and live from a space of love. When you are what you want, you get what you want, whether you logically realise what that is or not.

Another thought appeared to me as I was talking about person A together with person B. Now, it was quite clear that we perceived this person very differently, so it hit me that it might be a bad idea to listen to another person’s idea of someone as they have created a story based on who they are first and foremost, not who the person they are talking about is. Also, how the person they describe relates to them is much because of what they put out there. If we believe a person is a devil it may be because we made them behave as a devil, or appeared as a devil to them. If we believe a person is an angel, it may be because we behaved as an angel to them, or appeared as an angel to them. Of course we all have individual responsibility – if someone tells me I’m an ass I can tell them I don’t agree and that’s that, or I can slap them, or tell the whole world they are an asshole – my behavior, no matter how “triggered” by someone else, is my choice. And speaking of which: when we create stories we often say “because s/he did this, I did that, or I learnt this, or I feel like this.” Now, that’s making them responsible and you are the one whose life is being ruled by someone else. Know that you can, to some extent at least, choose what to think and how to react. It’s like a history class with Mr Y – one student loves Mr Y and history, another student hates history, but loves Mr Y. Yet another student hates history and Mr Y and yet another one hates Mr Y, but loves history. Now, who will try to learn about history during these classes and who will occupy their minds more so with the teacher than with the subject? And who will choose to disregard their own preconceived ideas and just get on with the topic at hand and learn what they need to learn?

As I see it, if you want to learn about life, then every person you meet and every event you are part of becomes a tool for learning; an asset if you so like for gaining deeper knowledge and becoming more able to deal with things yet to come. If you, on the other hand, think life is nothing but a series of unexplainable and unpredictable events you may not ponder about it at all and, consequently, think you have no say about how your life goes – you are at the mercy of others and life itself.

Because I believe that you mainly (not necessarily always as there are other influences too) get what you attract (or consciously/sub-consciously look for and therefore walk up to when you spot it), I don’t necessarily want to blame anyone for what they so to speak caused me – I want to look inside myself so that I can create what I want within me and therefore be drawn to what I want in the future. And let’s face it – it’s often when things go tits up that we start to question what’s going on inside. We don’t always stop to ponder the small things, but when there is no way of closing our eyes to what’s going on, we are forced to listen and, therefore, if we so wish, start changing things within ourselves.

Taking responsibility for your insides does not make other people nice if they do something unpleasant, nor does it mean that you should stick around them. It simply means that you may wanna have a look inside of you to see what created this, whether it was fear, suppressed anger, belief systems…you name it. Otherwise you are likely to end up in the same situation, or with a similar influence in your life, whether event or person, in the future. You may actually be pushing/provoking situations and people to prove your ideas right. Most things for that matter can be sorted with a bit of love – live from a place of love and your life will take blissful turns. When I say this I also have to point out that living from a place of love does not mean getting rid of your spine – stand up for yourself, point out when people are abusing their relationship with you, just do so from a place of love and compassion. Soon that love and compassion will come back to you. I believe whatever you talk about, even the unpleasant stuff, needs to come from this place. If nothing else, it removes people’s’ wish to defend themselves and go against your words. It removes fear and anger. If you want to be honest just to hurt someone, you may as well lie – it will have equally disastrous effects. If it doesn’t come from a space of love, it will backfire.

So guys, next time you talk to your lover about your sex life…have a heartfelt think before you blame them for the sexperiment where you did the doggie dressed in pink leather atop the Empire State Building…or praise them for the best sex of your life – maybe it just so happened that you were co-creating that experience… Go make love to the world – honestly speaking, it could do with some TLC…

Sorry darling, I just can’t have sex tonight because…

Love...sex...love...sex...love AND sex...

So, I always liked a man who didn’t take no** for an answer…I’ve always had this idea that a man needs to conquer me, but once he has me…well, I’m his. Game over (…or well: more interesting games begin…). And if he likes to keep playing with someone who’s hard to get, he has to look for new pastures. Sometimes I feel this is wrong – I should keep playing a game to keep someone on their toes, so I get to keep them. I mean if they are amazing, then you should want to keep them right, and if you know how to, then why not? That’s not my true wish though – I want both an amazing man AND an amazing relationship. However, I have this automatic “Oh, I should just please…” reaction so that I can keep something I like – basically I compromise my own ideals in favor for keeping a friend, lover, or business deal, because I value said friend/lover/business deal more than my own needs/wants. It’s not right to do that though, because I’m not staying true to me then and I’m never satisfied. We only ever get what we truly want when we are truly true to ourselves.

As long as this mentality to please is in me I will continue to meet people who want me to be something I am not. That’s what I put out there, so that’s what I get in response. I mean if someone sees a jacket that has the label “suitable for sun, rain and snow,” they will buy that jacket thinking it’s suitable for sun, rain and snow, not knowing that the jacket would prefer to only be suitable for rain.

I’m starting to learn to set my boundaries, not accepting something I kind of want instead of waiting for something I truly want, as well as KNOWING what I truly want. There was a time when I didn’t know. Now I know more what I want in life AND I’m starting to believe that I’m valuable enough to get it. That means I don’t settle for something that kind of fits, just because it feels like something instead of nothing. Sometimes we need stepping-stones, but that’s different from settling for a permanent “not too bad” deal.

I learnt a lot from one of my biz partners, Em, last year as I have a way of selling out that’s not at all like her. When someone impresses me with something, I want it. And I want it so bad I give away too much. For example I may very well compromise the way I want to run the company in exchange for an investment from company X. In a word: belittle myself in front of them. Em is more like: “let’s value our own talents for a while. Think about what we truly want. And trust that sooner or later, when we are ready for it, it will show up. We may have to do more on our own without this amazing assistance, but at least we will get it done our way.” She has patience, whereas I stomp ahead and want to make things happen as soon as possible, even if that means settling for less than what I want.

I used to be impatient like that in love as well…I didn’t really know what I wanted, I didn’t really distinguish love from flings – one thing could lead to another and I started in whatever end…I wanted a relationship, but maybe just some sex would be good whilst waiting? And why wait and see if you loved them and they loved you…you could just have some fun in the meantime… Now, thanks to an experience I had last year, I’m like “If I don’t love you and you don’t love me, why would I be making love to you? It’s not the magical experience I’m looking for, so…” As a friend of mine says: “Royal P.” You don’t get Royal P for no reason. Get my point? If you just want sex it’s a different game, as it has nothing to do with making love and everything to do with a yummy indulgence that has no restrictions apart from safety. You don’t need to be in love, or be loved…you just need attraction. …and sometimes…yummy indulgences are hard to resist (something reminded me of this today), but if you take your eye off the ball…

Of course there are always compromises to be made – you have to understand reality. My principal always used to say: “Romeo may have wanted four children and Juliet five, but they were still madly in love.” And as I said: stepping-stones.

In a way this is about knowing what you want (sometimes our minds are clouded by pre-conceptions…make sure you don’t say no or yes to anything before you are clear on what you are wanting!). In a way it’s about making sure you know what you are buying into when you sign the deal. In a way it’s about knowing your own value, knowing you can get what you want and therefore be willing to accept no less. In a way it’s about patience – you may have to wait a bit longer to get the whole cake instead of just a slice…but if you keep eating slices you are likely to miss the whole cake! And in a way it’s about being clear about what you are offering – don’t offer pennies if you want dollar bills in return. You can’t demand of others what you are not willing to give, or what you haven’t clearly stated you are looking for. A lot of things get lost in translation (and deal making) if you aren’t clear about things.

Hmm so yeah…I’m waiting to be conquered by a strong man and a few strong business deals…in the meantime I will…I will…I will…use your imagination to figure that one out… (Life’s filled with splendid things to do, don’t you think???….)

(P.S. I know I have blogged about this before, but some point I need to make more than once so that I get them myself…)

**With “no” I mean no as in two people have chemistry and in the beginning you are just checking each other out right?! Trying things on… And underneath that there is that “Can I have you? Do you want me? Do I want you? Can you have me?” thing going on. And at some point I just assume that the guy will make a decision he shall have the girl and do his darndest best to get her. And that could be anything from “I will just kiss you now, I don’t care what you say” to taking charge in some other way. Of course said man needs to keep his senses alive: if he senses there is no interest at all, there is no game…then a no is a no. There is a huge difference between fluttering your eyelids and saying no with a smile and the mental action “I invite” and staring someone blank in the eye and giving a straight forward no. Besides in most of this is not about verbal yes and no:s. It’s about a man taking charge in one way or another. It’s not about overruling REAL wishes, it’s about taking charge.

I would do anything for love, but I won’t do a striptease in the town square darling, I just won’t…

It's all about being served hot chocolate in bed, let me tell ya...

Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more. – Erica Jong I also think that’s the reason love fades…because after the honeymoon we stop fighting for it. We take it for granted. We don’t water the flowers anymore, we just expect them to bloom, when really we need to water them for that to happen. Every single day of our lives we need to water our loved ones with love. With the things that make them feel loved.

People seem to get married thinking that what is now will be forever. Yet, they read the news. They know that people can lose their arms, crash cars, burn houses down by mistake…and when someone does so in their own life, they blame them. They didn’t enter into the relationship thinking they were going to be with someone who is no longer capable of moving their legs, or paying for their multi-million dollar homes, someone who will have a miscarriage, or lose their face in public. Shit happens. That’s life. And when we are in it together, we have to deal with it together, supporting ourselves and each other with love.

I don’t know, it’s just sad to see so many relationships crash even though two people love each other, they just simply forgot to make the relationship magical. I mean who doesn’t swoon hearing that some guy who has been married for twenty years still gives his Missus breakfast in bed ever so often, or sneak naughty messages into her handbag before she leaves for work, or gives her flowers, or sit talking to her for hours about life, or brings home chocolate chip cookies after work, or pours her a bath and makes her a cup of tea when she’s tired, or holds her hand in public, or steals her away for the weekend? It’s other small things as well: when you live together you have to be tolerant to each other’s wishes, habits and flaws. You have to make the household work in a way which make both parties happy.

I think a relationship can be pretty seamless if you have a very open communication (fueled by love and understanding, not blame and neediness) and you fight for it. And that’s a nice fight. A pleasurable fight. It’s doing something for someone you love, using your own creativity and imagination to make it happen (but of course set your limits to striptease in the town square. if that’s what it takes, you may be better off with the gardener. Just saying…). It’s when you stop fighting for the relationship that the real fights begin.

As a friend of mine said: you can just play with it. First you play dating. Then you play relationship. Then you play moving in together…then you keep playing. Who doesn’t love to play??? To have fun, to create magic and laughter?? …and maybe some naughtiness too??…

I never before spoke about The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, The Mastery Of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz, or The Way Of The Superior Man (and a bunch of other books) by David Deida, did I? Nah…didn’t think so. Just Google it…if curiosity tickles you that is…

The heart that sings…

I can see you....

So I did some Facebook spying…yes, yes, I know…I’m guilty. I looked up the guy I fell for age 8 or 9. My best friend fell for the same guy (we didn’t even know each other back then) and so did the rest of the village. He was this adorable little kid. And that’s when my love life started going wrong.

One fine day I was sitting with my friends at daycare and this little adorable kid walked in. My friend, without warning, said to him: “Maria likes you.” He looked at me. “Do you?” As it was close to Christmas and I never liked lying in the first place, but especially not close to Christmas (I was a saint…), I simply replied: “Yes.” He looked at me and left the room.

For years to come I avoided this guy. I felt humiliated, ashamed…God knows what. As you can tell my confidence wasn’t great and with the years it got worse. Multiple people and events reinforced my own thoughts that there was something wrong with me and I became petrified of people and above and beyond I thought love was a humiliating thing. If I confessed to loving someone it was shameful. I was a geek, my love was not welcome….it blackened their name so to speak if I was in love with them. (Love…more like infatuation..lol.) I remember even being ashamed on behalf of my step-sisters for having to be associated with me. They were cool, I wasn’t. And it’s not exactly like we were good friends. “Good morning, good night and happy birthday” was more or less the extent of our conversations after age 13 (before that we got along…but we just grew apart). I haven’t spoken to them at all since the family split up.

So last night we decided to look up this 8 year old hottie. Only now he’s twenty or so plus that. And although he still looks like a nice guy, he has a receding hairline and I don’t think he’s the talk of the town anymore, unless for his kindness and personality. Somehow seeing his face made me realize how much we live in a dream world. How events that shaped us 20 or more years ago set the scene for what was to come, but now it’s a dream, not a reality. I am not that little girl. Nor is he that little boy.

Some friend of mine pointed out I often fall for guys that it’s hard to get to know, truly get into their heart, and I wondered why? I have at least 15 friends that I would tell just about anything to. It’s fairly easy to get to know me if you spend more than an hour with me and we get along. I may still be scared to drag attention to myself when in a crowd, but once you speak with me I am very open. And if you give me a stage, I’ll be more than happy to peak to a sea of people…I just have a problem asking for the stage. Asking for the attention….but I’m getting there!! When I was younger I was ashamed of my past, but now I see it more as an asset if anything – it has helped me learn so much about life and gain true, inner confidence. So I was like: why do I date guys whose hearts may be a bit closed off when I’m open?

Well, for years I taught myself to be so strong that no matter what a guy would tell me, in my heart I would know I am OK. Even if they would look at me and leave the room, or as one guy did: tell me no one could fall in love with me, I’d be OK. I didn’t train myself to trust a man though. I trained myself not to give into a man. I trained myself to stand up for myself. I even trained myself to love myself. I didn’t like the idea of leaning onto someone else though. The idea of building a future with someone is scary, because how can I know he will always be there? In my head, my past proved to me that men can’t be trusted and even if they could, well there’s always death too. My mom died out of the blue pretty much – no one expected it to happen. So I believed if I relaxed…that’s when hell would break loose.

It’s backwards, but I actually feel safer dating men I know I can’t count on to stay around, because that’s more predictable. Or so my brain decided. Only it decided that around age 10, or 12. Maybe 16. Looking at this guy’s pictures I realized what a fool I’ve been. Now I think I’d prefer a man who let me into his heart 100% and truly embrace our relationship. A man whom I will be a pride and joy to. A man who loves me, as I am, nutcase personality and all… A man whom I will open my heart to, not just by sharing my thoughts and feelings, but whom I will let into my heart and fully embrace as someone I can trust. Someone I can give myself to fully. Someone I WILL give myself to fully. I will just jump out of a plane with him, doing skydiving to prove just how much I trust him. Or not. LOL!

Facebook spying people, I highly recommend it…

Shagadelic experiences should be shag-a-delicious…

I'm fucking...not fucking...fucking...

I went to see the new Matt Damon movie, The Adjustment Bureau, with some friends the other night. The movie needs severe adjustment…but minus that and even though I was staring at Matt Damon’s gorgeous body for like an hour and a half I managed to think one, or two sane thoughts…ahem…(Like “I’m fucking Matt Damon in a tub, in the car, up against the mini-bar….” Uh…) So onto my sane thoughts…

If someone really loves you they are prepared to fight for you, but how the heck do you know if you love someone?

I have pondered the question of how you know when you love someone for years. I mean it’s easy to say you love some part of someone (i.e. you only know them a little bit and love what you know), or you love everyone because you can feel compassion for everyone if you put yourself in their shoes. It’s also easy to say you love your friends because you have things in common so you enjoy their company and as you spend more time with them you understand them better and, hence, have more compassion for them. There’s a different kind of love involved though if you decide to get into a relationship with someone.

From what I have gathered most couples don’t even tell each other that they love one another until long into the relationship. Simply because they may have gotten it together after three weeks of knowing each other, three weeks of dating before they went “exclusive” as they say in LA. After that famous “talk” you have to have with someone. Never mind you are shagging them, you have to confirm that you are exclusive. The dating and shagging doesn’t mean exclusivity in this town. Anyway, isn’t it peculiar that you are in a relationship before you love each other?

Do you remember as a kid when you went to the same school as people for years? You would see the same person day in and out and wonder if you would ever get a chance on them? Like would you ever get a chance to date them? (We are back to ABBA here…: “Honey I’m still free, take a chance on me…tralalala!!!”)

Now the kids in school you didn’t necessarily know too well on a really personal, intimate level (although you might have), but you were around them all the time so you did get to see them happy, sad, angry, confused, joyous…what have you. You got to know at least some of their traits.

What I like from back then is that I had time to fall for someone. I knew I wanted them. Today you meet someone at a party and then you start dating. It’s like dating from day one. It’s usually not about being friends first and building respect and trust, as well as a true want to be together. It’s just…dating, because on some level you were attracted to each other when you first met.

Of course, if you are attracted to someone and you are next to them…it’s kind of hard to stay just friends, because you are attracted to one another. Yet, it’s so different to kiss someone you care for and someone you just feel attraction for. I don’t know about you, but I would love to kiss someone I care for….whom I truly, truly long to kiss…you know that tingling feeling? Mhm… I want a special kiss. The kind that knocks your socks off….or high-heels, what have you…

Having pondered upon this “when do you truly love someone” question (because that’s different from having a crush on someone in high-school), I finally came to the conclusion: when you long to be with them every day of your life. If you enjoy their company to the degree where you can see yourself being with them every day of your life…then you love them…in that way. Of course, that could also be a truly friendly way of loving someone, but then there is no sexual attraction involved. If you wanna see them every day and fuck their brains out…then I think you have answered the question.

The thing though is…when you first meet someone, you probably do want to be with them all the time, because they are like…good news: interesting. Whereas if you love a person, you know what’s on offer and you still want to be with them.

When you get to know someone slowly you get a chance to see the different nuances of their character. You won’t, however, know what they will be like when they are in a relationship until you try it, because…some people just have a lot of fear associated with relationships, or they feel trapped or they need to be powerful within the relationship, or they feel vulnerable, or…whatever. So I do believe you can love someone and be in love with someone without it working out in a relationship unless you are prepared to face your “stuff” around it. Also you have to make your lives work out together and be prepared to make that happen. Although a joyous task with the right person, it’s still a task. I may love my business ideas for example, but now that we are truly kicking off…it’s a lot of work. To see the end result you have to be prepared to sweat some…a nice glorious run, but a run nonetheless.

I don’t know, I think I just realized that I want to be with a guy who is prepared to fight for me, like Damon did in that ridiculous movie. I have had enough wasting time on people who simply just don’t really care. I don’t want to be “good news for a week.” I want to see that he thinks the ROI of being with me is worth something. That he takes time to care for me, because I want some ROI too. Before I think I used to “See the chocolate and eat it of fear that someone else would grab it before I got my chance.” Or I’d simply just want the chocolate because it was there, right in front of my eyes…and I don’t really have any moral issues with eating chocolate. If you like something: go get it. But if someone really likes you and you really like them, it’s worth the wait. It’s worth getting to know each other before you date, mate, whatever… It also saves you a lot of emotional pain, time, etc. as getting involved with people you don’t know may cause havoc in your life…in more ways than one.

Guess I’m tired of kissing frogs…I want the real deal: some truly shagadelic shag-a-delicious experiences…bring on the exploding lights and all that… Yum!

“When once the woman has tempted us, and we have tasted the forbidden fruit, there is no such thing as checking our appetites, whatever the consequences may be.” – George Washington

I don’t wanna talk…

…about the things we’ve been through. Yeah, yeah, I’m quoting Abba…I know, I know…blonde Swede by the wheel. So let’s talk about sex baby…or not. Let’s have sex. No, let’s talk about it. No, let’s have it. No let’s talk about it…no…yes…no…fuck you. What? Yes, fuck me. No. Yes………

I’m going to do something very forbidden right now – I’m going to generalize (why do I suddenly see a bunch of angry people marching against me shouting tasteless blonde jokes???…).

Women are accusing men of being sex driven and men are accusing women for being baby (and, therefore, relationship) driven. Now if you are a man, imagine that women see babies the way you see sex…and can’t help it. Women, imagine seeing sex the way you see babies (and relationships) on the worst days. Of course, women only have baby drive for certain days per month/periods of their lives, but it leads to some women hunting guys like…well, like men hunt women. They are both “drives” that we can learn to control, because let’s face it – babies aren’t always a good idea and sometimes sex isn’t either. By the end of the day both drives lead to the same end result – a life. Only we don’t always realize this when we are hormone high and just following instinct (and have a condom at hand)…on the other hand, it’s pretty damn good sex with two people who are letting their desires lose…

Women are accusing men of being cold and only care for sex and men are accusing women of being needy. Men were made to spread their sperm, women were made to raise babies and to do so, having a man around to hunt for some food is useful as babies take up time. Of course, it’s a very practical thing to have a rational man around and a woman to bring care. It’s harmony, but when it goes tits up it’s…not so harmonious… (“Why were you flirting with the woman at the petrol station?” “Why do you need to sit at home nesting and being all lovey-dovey?”)

Another amusing aspect of this is that men always freak out about women bonding (no not bondage…but they wish…) with them too early, they are too emotional, etc. Women are built like that – for the sake of the baby, we need to love you men. Happens every time. Even with the jerk we dated before you and the Prince we will date after you, should you dump us or we have enough of you. That’s why women need to be careful with whom they shag, because hormones go flying. We are built to get addicted to men (ouch, I hate this shit…yep…I’M INDEPENDENT FOR FUCK’S SAKE…yeah, yeah..). Women on the other hand find men cold at first, because they were built to being addicted to sex. The weird thing is that apparently, once a guy falls for a gal, it can take him three to five years to get over her. YEARS! Women have to act faster as they have a biological clock. We only waste a month or two in mourning. Doesn’t mean we don’t remember and (don’t…because we don’t…lol) compare everyone to that one guy that won our heart for some weirdo (or not so weirdo) reason…and that we wouldn’t shag him did we have a chance…but we don’t get stuck on one guy to the point of not allowing others in. We move on. We have to.

Women for some reason need to explain everything and have everything explained to them. Men only need to decide (in a quiet place, alone, strong and independent) and then they act. Women feel disrespected as they aren’t explained why the actions happened. Men get irritated as women are so complicated, needy and irritatingly close, trying to get them to actually SPEAK to them. Biologically I can’t figure this one out, but when action meets emotion, when hot meets cold…wahowahwooom…explosion…could be good….).

Another thing is, as a woman, I believe we contemplate having sex with everything that moves just as much as a man…but if we are talking biology – maybe a woman thinks beforehand as she will have to raise the kid and needs a dependable father. A man can always leave, but before contraception and abortion existed, a woman was stuck with the baby. Therefore we think relationship before we think sex. We have learnt to control ourselves. Ahem. Sometimes.

A woman needs to be convinced to get involved in the first place. A man needs to be convinced to stay. A woman needs to feel safe. A man needs to know he got The Queen Of The World, or else, why would he not keep spreading his sperm?

I also think this is why babies change relationships. If she realizes she was in it due to her baby drive (which has now been satisfied) and he realizes he agreed without thinking she’s The Queen Of The World, he just got a bit…excited…there’s trouble ahead. On the other hand, if she picked Mr Fabulous and got a baby with Him…and he picked The Queen Of The World…a baby will bring a lot of pleasure to them both and bond them further.

I may be absolutely wrong about all the above, but yin and yang people…when we wear each others’ shoes, when we learn to understand…how much of our biology is actually about each other – that we were created for each other….maybe then relationships will start to get a bit more…sexy… I mean, we are all looking for each other, we just don’t seem to get it….and playing with fire is dangerous unless you know how to make it work….but don’t we all love fire? And men on motorbikes…or what was it again???

I will shag you till loose gums do us part…

I can bullshit my way trough almost anything, I’m very good with that…but when someone asks you to write a wedding speech…that’s when the BS needs to get lost. I mean, you just can’t bullshit your way through something as important as that. Many things in this life are perceived as important that mean very little, but a wedding…given the couple is in love…is serious in a most wonderful, sparkling, magical, mystical, beautiful, gorgeous, awesome (I’m running out of superlatives) way. So when a very good friend of mine, who I happen not to have seen for two years, wrote me a note to charm my socks off saying: “I don’t think I know anyone who’s read so many wise books as you and who enjoy so much to philosophy through stories and words on these great topics life has to offer. Like love..” I couldn’t not help her. Right. So on with cringe factor no.5 and let loose the poet in me….that is to say: I have to be vulnerable whilst writing this…I can’t just say something witty about shagging each other till lose gums do you part…ahem… So now I will start cringing and showing you my heart…

Take 1. Action.

I could say many things, but I believe the most important one has already been said. It has been said today and it will continue to be said for the rest of your lives. It will be said in actions, in smiles, in gifts, in cuddles, in chores, in lovemaking, in cooking, in glances, in touches… It’s a most wonderful thing. It will shine a light upon darkness. It will make the good times seem even brighter. It will bring comfort when there are storms. It will bring warmth to the cold. It will live in you and between you and it will be shared with those around you. Bar none I would swap a million dollars for this gift any day, because it does what a million dollars could not do and it makes you feel like a million dollar could not make you feel.

Through the centuries there have been many stories, but I believe this one is the one most often told, most often wanting to be heard. For this, I believe you are blessed – you found what people throughout the centuries have most longed to find. You found it. And now it’s your gift, to every day give to each other again, in all those ways that mean the most for you. I hope you will really take time to figure these out, because what more fun could there be? How much better does playing get than to play with finding out what makes another heart beat faster? How much wonderful could it be than having someone play this game with you, trying out everything they can to make your heart beat faster?

Remember this. Remember that you will always have that gift to give to each other, no matter what storms are raging, what good times are being celebrated, or what craziness is going on around you. So if the rest of the world is on fire, you will still have this and it will still be as wonderful. It will always be a little oasis, a little bubble of magic, because no matter what, it will still be. Always remember to stop whatever else is happening and say it to each other, every day, in ways that are the most brilliant to you. If you do, I believe you will create something that can move mountains.

I believe you all know what I am talking to by now. So raise your glasses if you may – here’s to the world’s most important words: I LOVE YOU!

Should I do a Take 2? You decide… I suppose I avoided writing a love poem. That would be…crikey, yeah, that would be…astounding if I published that here. Between that and karaoke I think I would conquer my worst fears…however, if I loved the guy I wrote it for and sung to the guy I loved..that would up it even more… I guess all it would be though, as most things are: just me, showing who I am. Without the make-up, fully visible, even with a note an octave or two too high or love…I mean low…ahem…

A love story…

Someone once asked me to write a love story and I was a bit at loss, because I didn’t really have a good one – I could only write what came out of my heart, but it wasn’t a real story from life – it was a dream, a fantasy. Today, I realized that I do have a true story. The same story that has happened time and time again in my life. It’s not about one man, it’s about many men – every single one of them I think. Come to think about it, it’s about all the people I have ever met, including my own sweet self, because it relates in one way or another. It’s the story of a lost lover. It’s the story of my past. It’s the story that no longer is, but I will write it as it once was.

The Lost Lover

I’ve known this man for quite some time now and I like him. I love him, in fact. Lately though, I have questioned my love for him. I have questioned if I am really a good friend for him. I have questioned whether he is really a good friend for me. I have no doubt that I will always love him, so why do I doubt our friendship? I doubt it because I don’t know how to relate to him. I doubt it because I don’t know if I’m in love with him, or if I just want to be friends with him. I doubt it because I know that if we have a love story, it may only last a little while. I doubt it because when people are in love they demand things from each other so easily and they get hurt if they don’t get what they want. It’s not true, but it’s so easy to mistake someone for loving you when they fulfill those wants and needs and mistaking them for not loving you when they don’t.

I doubt that I am a good friend for him, because when I think about being in a relationship with him I doubt that he is the one for me. I don’t know. How could I know? I can’t unless I try it, but how can I try it without knowing? How can I try it when the judge in me says that we may be bored with one another? That we may not like certain sides of one another? So I retract. I still love him, but I don’ think I could love a relationship with him, because I’m judging him in that relationship, so I feel bad, I feel unworthy of his love.

I doubt that he is a good friend for me, because I know he has the same doubts that I do. So I know he is judging me and how can that be good for me? I only start judging myself when I feel his judgment and then I get sad. Then I feel like I need his love to make me happy and then I get angry with him and then I want to be left alone. When I am alone I love myself, but when I see him looking at me like that I don’t love myself, because I don’t feel good enough for his love as clearly he is not giving it to me. Not in that context.

How can we know what we are to one another without having sex with one another? But how can we have sex with one another without making love to one another? If we have sex we will for sure know that we won’t fit, because none of us want sex, both of us want to make love, but how can we make love when we don’t know if we are meant for one another? How can we make love not just physically, but mentally, every time we see one another? How can we do that when we don’t know where it will lead us?

Of course at times we did have sex, but of course it was the same as the rest of our relationship – it was a clash; it was nothing, it was everything, it was two parallel Universes that never really met. It was two forces pulling together at the same time as they were pulling apart.

How can I show my love for him when he has doubts, because as long as he has doubts, my love will suffocate him? How can I allow him to love me when I have doubts, as I may not be able to be what he wants me to be?

I still love him though. I still love him as a person, even though I may never come to love him in relation to me, neither as a friend, nor as a lover. I know we may never fulfill each others’ needs, I know we may end up angry if we get selfish about it, I know we may end up disagreeing on something in life so much so we will walk separate paths and never see each other again. I also know that in my heart he is my brother, because we have something I cannot put into words in common, but that’s why I sympathize with him and why I will forever love him.

Every time I am around him I feel like I am dead. Like I don’t know what to say or do. I go empty. I don’t know how to relate to him, so I don’t relate at all. Then I feel miserable, because I am not showing him any of what I am; I am not giving him any of the wonders I have inside; I am not sharing my happiness, my passion and my love for life, or for that matter: for him. That’s not me that I am sharing with him. What I show him, what I share with him is an empty shell; a robot.

I don’t want to see him, because if I do he will be in his Universe and I will be in mine. We will be bored by each other’s company, because even though we know we are connected because we are so similar we live parallel Universes, we cannot bring our Universes together, even though they are just a millimeter apart. So we cannot connect on a physical level, even though we are so similar in our hearts and minds. We cannot connect our Universes, because we do not know how to relate to one another. Sometimes one of us connects one way and the other the other way and then it misfires. Sometimes we simply can’t decide how to connect, so we don’t connect at all. So we both walk off thinking: I love that person, I don’t want to be without that person, but I don’t know how to be with that person. I’m unhappy when I’m with them and I’m unhappy when I’m without them.

It’s like one of us is always on a pajama party, whilst the other is on a fancy ball. We know that without the pajama and the fancy clothes, we’d probably be the same, but we don’t know how to be without the pajama or the fancy clothes. We don’t know how to be when we are not something. When we just are. So we try to be lovers, we try to be friends, but we keep switching back and forth and usually one is trying one thing, whilst the other is trying the other thing and we clash. Or we get so nervous none of us tries anything, scared of which path it will lead us down, scared of making a decision. So we just sit there next to one another, petrified. We talk, but we do not connect.

We are both dancers, we both love to dance, we both love watching each other dance – we think when we watch one another that “You are one of the most amazing dancers I have ever met. I love watching you, I love the way you move through life, I love the way you twirl, the way you dance with others, the choreographies you create for yourself, I even love the songs that you love dancing to. I love you.” Then we dance together and one of us is dancing to Mozart, and the other to Beethoven and we can’t understand why we can’t dance together when we love each other’s moves.

If we just for one minute, maybe a bit more, removed our pajama, or our fancy dress, and we stopped trying to dance with one another to the tunes we have in our heads, if we just looked each other in the eye and loved one another, maybe we would start dancing to our very own tune. Maybe we would hear the music we have never noticed before, because we haven’t been listening – we have been way too busy dancing to the tunes that we thought would be suitable.

If you are dancing with someone, how can you not trust them? They are moving with you – they are dancing with you because they love to dance with you. How can you be bored by them? If they are twirling you around on the dance floor, or if you twirl them around, or if you create chorepgraphies together, how can you be bored? It may take time to nail a certain routine, to get a certain dance to just flow 100% because you need to practice, but whilst practicing you are still dancing, you are still moving to the rhythm of your hearts. Every dancer knows that it’s not about dancing the perfect choreography, it’s about loving each step.

Your partner may get tired at times, you may get tired at times, but you love them, so you let them rest and they love you, so they let you rest. At other times, one of you gets a step quicker than the other and one of you will have to wait and support. You may not agree on a specific step, or a certain tune, you may want to perform in different places at the same time…well that’s dancing for you – you have to learn to dance together, but every time you disagree, why not sit down and go back to that first magic day when you looked each other in the eye and you heard the same tune? Why not go back to love? You don’t have to be something, remember? You can just be. You don’t have to do the tango, or the samba. You can just be. In that being there are no rules, there are no tomorrows. There is just two people who love.

Every dancer has fallen once, or tripped over, or injured something. It happens. Sometimes we take others with us in the fall. We didn’t hurt someone because we didn’t love them, we hurt them because we collided – we started dancing to different tunes again. We forgot to just be. We started to play a game where we needed to become something, where the people around us needed to become something to us and we didn’t listen, so we fell over – we fell into others and we hurt ourselves and others.

I have met many dancers who danced to the same tune as me and it was easier to connect with them, to dance with them. We were at the same page at the same time, but I didn’t necessarily like their style of dancing, or how they danced with me. With him I don’t know if I can dance with him, or if we will ever find our tune, all I know is that I love him when he dances, because in his moves I see myself. I see someone I love. I see someone I respect. I see someone for whom I wish all the best.

I may never be able to dance with him, or with other people, but I always have the choice to sit next to someone in silence and just love them, just as I have the opportunity to, no matter how crazy the tune I have been forced to, or chosen to, dance to is, step aside, sit down and love myself. I am gorgeous and I am a person whose moves I love, whom I respect and whom I wish all the best for, no matter what friggin tune is playing in my life. I love me. And that is a very beautiful love story, if I may say so myself.

I think when we try to categorize our love, when we force each other to dance to certain tunes, that’s when we lose the love we felt, because how can someone dance to a tune just because we want them to? How can we dance to a tune just because they want us to? We can’t. Love isn’t a certain tune, or a certain way of being together. Love just is. From that love you can create a tune. Your own tune. Whatever that tune may be, because if you want to be together in some way, shape or form, you have to have a tune, but even if you don’t find a common tune to dance to – even if you bump into each other because there is no rhythm, so long as you are coming from that place of love, you can walk away from each other still loving one another.

Hey, you, yeah, you – I love you. I may never be able to dance with you, but I love you. And I wish for you, that you learn, what I learnt today. Because to love without ifs, buts and maybes, to just love, that is, for me, what I want to be doing with my life – it’s what makes me feel like I’m flying.

Dirty dancing…

We live in uncertain times people and with that I don’t mean the economy. Met anyone lately that couldn’t make up their mind? To me it seems like a lot of people are dancing a great dance of confusion. First they take a step to should, then to want, do a little pirouette on have to, do a pas de chat over must and then they can’t decide whether to do a chassé right or left, because they get stuck on a spot on the dance floor marked: fear. Of course there are also other dancers on the dance floor and they have to avoid bumping into them and choose whom to dance with when.

When growing up there wasn’t just one person around to influence us: there was your family, friends, teachers…not to mention books, TV, society… Being good little children we often wanted to please all the people we loved, or we wanted to please all the people we were scared of. We got so many different points of reference, often contradictory, that it was hard knowing what was right or wrong, especially if you could see the truth in all of them. At times it wasn’t just that you were told other peoples’ opinion and wanted to live up to their expectations, it was also that you saw the people closest to you and either dreaded or hoped to become like them one day. Whether you didn’t want to, or you really wanted to, part of you probably did expect to end up being a similar person to those closest around you, in one way or another – you might not have expected to become just like them, but you dreaded their worst sides influencing you and prayed that their best sides would. Whenever you then caught yourself thinking you were going down their path, or found yourself doing/saying something they would have said, you either jumped for joy or panicked.

Of course, once we see what we are doing in our lives we can choose to change it, but it’s always easier to go with the flow than against it, which is why we so often end up becoming the people we were taught to be by our surroundings. What’s more though, is that because our surroundings consisted of so many different influences, we have a hundred (or more) little men inside of us telling us what to do and their opinions are often contradictory. Sometimes the battle is so fierce that you just look to someone else to tell you what to do, so that you don’t have to take responsibility for sorting out your inner battle. (Or you get even more petrified if three different people have three different opinions.)

Because of all these influences going on, we are often scared to commit to things. “I would like this, but I’d also like that.” Most of us are happy to commit to a few things in life though, such as showering, eating, etc. Why? Because we know that the pay off if we get our lazy ass off the chair and jump in the shower, or make ourselves a meal, is worth the hassle.

Commitment to something grander, like running a business we believe will improve things in this world, writing a book or making a movie we believe will give others joy, volunteering at the local shelter, creating a great relationship with our friends or building a life with our partner, doing a great job at work, raising children, teaching/coaching others, etc. give us meaning; purpose. It makes us feel like our lives are important. However, when we are stuck in the dirty dance of indecision we are usually moving nowhere, we feel we are wasting our time and our life. Besides, as I said the other day: you get joy when your full attention is on what you are doing, so when you are stuck in indecision you feel tormented.

Amongst all the voices in our head there is usually one little voice that says: “You can’t do that. Who do you think you are for wanting something like that? Why would you deserve that? You aren’t good enough to do that. You can’t do that because your family wasn’t like that, so you can’t be either.” Or something along those lines. Well, when I was in my second year at drama school I had a choice – I hadn’t managed to figure out directing until the end of that year – the beginning had been terrible. So I could choose if I wanted to re-do that year and have more time to practice, or if I just wanted to go straight into my third year. I talked to the teachers about it and they told me that really, it was up to me 100%. At first I couldn’t make up my mind – maybe it was better to take it easy and have more time, maybe I would fail if I went straight into my third year, then again, I wanted to graduate sooner rather than later. Then it hit me: who was I to think that I could not do it, if it was what I wanted to do? How could I not trust myself? I had done some good pieces towards the end, so why would I not be able to continue to learn and grow? I stomped home in a fury and told my boyfriend all about it and stated that I was going to do my third year and that was that. I was going to have to do twice as many directing pieces as most, as I was behind, but I was gonna do it.

My third year was probably my best year at drama school – I did more pieces, I enjoyed my work, I was 100% present to what I was doing because there was no time not to, I was completely sleep deprived and I was in school 7 days a week, usually not going to bed till 2am on weekdays (and school started at 8:30am) and I loved it. I became a great director. I can of course become better with practice, but that year, I became good at what I was doing. Why? I was committed and I believed in myself. That’s not to say I didn’t screw up along the way, but I kept moving, I kept learning.

What if we listened to our hearts when we make decisions, and not all those voices in our head? What if we really learnt to listen? And what if the fear we had of committing was washed away, because we trusted our heart? We trusted that our heart would show us the right path and the effort put into walking it would be worth it, as it would be so much fun and bring so much fulfillment. What then would we be 100% committed to doing with our lives? What fears would be abolished if we moved our asses instead of sat around all day thinking about it? How much more joy could we have if we were completely immersed in what we do instead of having one foot (or maybe toe, as there are a lot of different ones) in every camp? What if we didn’t let hurdles shake us up and make us feel small, but rather indulged in them as a learning process? What then? What then would you do right now?

This came to my mind yesterday as I was re-reading The Mastery Of Love. A little voice inside my head kept telling me that really, I can’t have a relationship with someone, because I don’t know enough about being a great girlfriend (I mean we all have nasty tendencies somewhere, right? And what if mine would come out?), I can’t decide whom to choose (because one voice is telling me one thing, another another thing), I may lack the ability to choose the right guy (and end up spending my life drooling over others, or living with someone who isn’t with me for the right reasons and I’ll be too emotionally tangled up to break up) and I will just not be enough for anyone – I’ll just be a burden on their life because they want to shag the world and I’ll be in their way. It wasn’t like I was sitting thinking this, it was just an uneasy feeling in my body, but I know those are the thoughts underneath that uneasy feeling (I know those thoughts are insane, it’s just they were supplied to me from voices of my past and they got stuck). Then suddenly it hit me that I don’t feel like I need a boyfriend anymore. For the first time in my life I don’t need a little dose of love. I don’t need a pick me up from the drugstore of hormones, usually delivered in the form of hugs, kisses, sex and soothing words from men. What hit me after that is that I don’t so much care for guys’ opinion of me anymore either. If someone doesn’t like me, well that’s his thing, whether that is because we don’t match, or because he has “stuff” around relationships, or because he values sleeping around more than building love with one person (it’s like “Oh, he has a great capacity for loving, doesn’t he? I’d really want a piece of that. Not.” Of course, he may need to sleep around to save his ego, that’s another cup of tea, but just about as titillating as the other option.). Whereas in the past I’d be like: “OMG, he likes them more than me. I’m not perfect enough.” The third thing that hit me is that I can have a relationship, I just have to make up my mind that I can. For years I’ve thought I can’t – I’ve kept rejecting myself with the above thoughts. So there I stood, in Walthamstow of all places, having an epiphany that love is like my third year in college – just fucking do it. And suddenly I felt very, very free. I had no fear anymore – I didn’t need a guy so I wasn’t scared of losing one, I knew I could have a relationship so I wasn’t scared I’d make the wrong decisions, or not find someone.

If you are doing a dirty dance, not knowing which foot to step on because of fear and other people’s’ opinions, or if someone is doing a dirty dance with you, making you question your heart’s decision – get out of that choreography, stop dancing to that tune and start dancing with your heart. Feel the true music of your inner being and allow yourself to get swept away with it – make every step count and dance as if your life depended upon it, because truly, it does.

“We try to please Mom and Dad, we try to please our teacher, our minister, our religion, and God. But the truth is that from their point of view we are never going to be perfect. That image of perfection tells us how we should be in order to acknowledge that we are good, in order to accept ourselves. But guess what? This is the biggest lie we believe about ourselves, because we are never going to be perfect. And there is no way that we can forgive ourselves for not being perfect.

That image of perfection changes the way we dream (live). We learn to deny ourselves and reject ourselves. We are never good enough, or right enough, or clean enough, or healthy enough according to all those beliefs we have. There is always something The (inner) Judge can never accept or forgive. That is why we reject our own humanity; that is why we never deserve to be happy.; that is why we are searching for someone who abuses us, someone who will punish us. We have a very high level of self-abuse because of that image of perfection.” – Don Miguel Ruiz, The Mastery Of Love

Karma is one sexy beast…

The problem with knowledge is that you realize how damn stupid you were before you had it. There is an old saying that youth is lost on youth, I assume because when you are young you have all the benefits of youth, but only the knowledge of youth. When you get older you get wiser, but you lose the benefits of youth. Then again, I believe that maybe youth needs its stupidity so as to passionately go after the impossible (read: that which will take them through a million battles before they reach their goal), as those that succeed make it ever so little more possible for the rest. (It’s fascinating how new world records are set all the time – somehow every year we seem to get a little bit faster.)

Do you believe in karma? I’d like to believe in it, as I’d like to believe that we have some sort of way of controlling our own fate. I’d like to believe we reap the seeds we sow. I don’t, however, believe that just because you may have committed a crime in this or a past life time you should feel ashamed of yourself. In general I think being ashamed of oneself should only be a trigger to sort something out, not an excuse to sit and wither away in one’s own misery.

I started thinking about karma the other day as I came to think about a guy I was madly in love with way before I understood anything about love. I was just in love, full stop. Looking back it’s a rather funny story about ego, but at the time it was a very painful story. We never dated, but somehow I was madly in love with him and I gave him my heart to break in a million pieces. I was so in love with him that for me he became the symbol of love – for ten years I’d dream of him when I wanted love. Because the emotions I had for this guy were so strong I wondered if I had been with him in a past life and if I had hurt him greatly?

If you look back on my present life you can easily say that love has been the greatest confusion and source of pain. It’s only in the last year that I have gotten my head round the whole thing and I’m still learning. Through all this learning I have come to appreciate love. I also decided the other day, as I came to think of this guy, that I was going to take karma seriously. Whether it exists or not, I have something to learn from everything that goes wrong in my life.

If I was truly a heart breaker in a past life, I clearly did not understand what I was doing to people. In this life I have learnt what it feels like to be on the other side of the equation. If I caused people to feel like I have felt in this lifetime from family issues, men and bullies, I was a nutcase and I am truly sorry. I can only be sorry because I now understand the pain you can cause others by playing with them in ways they don’t necessarily understand, so they fall foul for the game due to their lack of knowledge. I also think that the people who have caused me pain, often, were not aware of it, or pretty much unable to stop themselves from doing it because of how life shaped them. If I think of the things I have done by mistake to hurt others, or because I didn’t know better, or couldn’t control my own behavior, it makes it easier to forgive them. Basically, by looking at the situation from their point of view I can finally forgive them.

Also, if I ask for forgiveness, I learn what it feels like to be on the other side of where I am at right now. It allows the mind to travel. I am not what happened to me and I have to learn to detach myself from it. And by genuinely apologizing you learn some humility – I’m sure I’ve broken a few hearts in this lifetime too and I know for sure that my ego enjoys when I know I can have a guy, even though I don’t want him. However, I don’t encourage guys I don’t want. I may be friends with them, but that’s that. It’s harder with guys that you feel that you have some sort of connection, but you know you don’t want to be with. Attraction is a complex thing.

If I look back on my heart-breaks in this life (which may be the only one I’ve ever had, or will have, I don’t know) I have learnt a lot from that. I guess there are two ways of learning about love: getting it right from the start and experiencing what it should be like so you know what you want, or failing in all ways until you figure out what it isn’t and therefore what it should be. Some of my main learnings are that for certain a guy can be “your type” but that’s not love. For certain there are a few people in this life that have achieved the level that you would like to achieve and that you admire, but that’s not love. For certain there are people in this life that mirror you in more ways than one, but that’s not love. For certain a guy can tell you the most amazing things till your ego feels like it’s flying to the moon and back, but that’s not love. Love, to me, is an understanding, a connection if you so like, a dose of attraction and a willingness to create life together. I have discussed that under the page titled Love here, so I won’t go into it again, but it’s very different from when I was a teenager and hopelessly in love with a person who was no good for me at all, so if I admired him and we mirrored each other in some ways.

Another of my beliefs is that if you ask for something and you are prepared to do what it takes, including apologizing for your karma, you will get it. However, most people probably don’t try to learn from every event life throws at them. Most people don’t want to take hit after hit so as to reach a certain destination. Most people blame others for their failure, or are jealous of others for their success. If someone was to ask me if I was willing to climb one of the hardest climbs there are and fall a few times along the way, so as to reach one of the greatest mountain tops there are, I would have said yes. I know myself well enough to know that. I had to slip and fall on the head a few times for me to realize that life isn’t about success – that I can be happy in the here and now. I’ve had to fall maybe even harder to let go of some of my ego. And I’ve definitively fallen a few times when it comes to love. Why did I have to fall so many times? Because I simply didn’t get it the first time! That’s not necessarily my fault – I didn’t know better. Am I happy I got to where I am now though? Yes. Yes, I am.

It’s hard to forgive those that inflicted pain on you. It’s hard to forgive them unless you become them. If you imagine what they went through to become whom they are. If you see life through their eyes. And if you imagine, just for a minute or two, that you are them, trapped in that very set of circumstances and thoughts and you see you doing what they did, only now it’s to them…maybe then you can forgive yourself and by doing so, forgiving them. And maybe, just maybe, do you learn the lesson that life was trying to tell you so desperately with signs as big as elephants, that you, of course, did not see. From what I’ve learnt, I can only thank the people who ruined me for being so kind to do so.

I have to say, in my life, karma, if it exists, has been a big sexy beast…I mean all those men were just so friggin yummy!!!

Am I a fool, being played by a fool, or simply acting foolishly???…