A good blow job….

I’ve heard that if you want a good Valentine’s day you have to serve your man a steak and give him a blow job the day before.Then you are guaranteed at least some roses. Now, sometimes it isn’t just blow jobs that blow men’s minds (thankfully – would give you a sore jaw if it was, wouldn’t it?!?!!), nor roses that blow women’s (there are many more imaginative gifts, if you are gift giving inclined). In each person we love, whether friend, lover, or other, we find something unique, something that, literally, blows our mind, so if it’s just their kindness or their genuine smile.

I was walking to the tube the other night, head banging after a day at work, tired, hungry and on a mission to go to Ikea. Suddenly I had this flashback of walking down a street in Sweden, on my way to meet my gran and I missed her so much tears threatened to well up. I guess it was the need for comfort, care and love that suddenly overtook me and my gran has always been the closest person to me in many ways. Just as I was overwhelmed by a wave of self-pity this plastic bag came flying level with people’s faces, making them react in various ways. It reminded me of the movie American Beauty - it was such a playful and beautiful moment and I thought to myself “Gran would have liked that.” Suddenly I was smiling instead of crying.

To this day I miss having a mother’s figure – I miss having someone I can call and just really know is always there for me as a pillar of support, of unconditional love and caring. Someone who pours me hot chocolate and gives me a hug. Someone who just says it’s OK and I’m great no matter what. Someone who pampers me mentally as well as physically I suppose and not because I’m going through a crisis, or having a problem of some sort but just because.

Of course I have my dad, but I’m happy to say he’s a man. He has a wicked sense of humor and will help me sort out almost anything with his business like and down to Earth approach to life (he’s a funny combo of a sailor and a business man), but if you want someone just to tell you you are great, forget it. My dad will list all potential problems and good things, and tell me to sort it out (and if not I will get a long lecture on responsibility. He loves to lecture me. Give him five minutes and he will give a speech worthy of the President. In fact it’s probably better.). He kicks my butt in other words. He taught me independence and gave me a fighter spirit and he is thankfully a very good chef and can run a household seamlessly, so I have hope for the male population in general, just not their pampering abilities. I really hope I will meet a man who knows how to pour hot tea though. Hell, imagine coming home and being looked after from time to time. I think I’d even agree to sex after that. Ha.

Anyway, there are days when we all feel like we could do with a hug and there is absolutely no one around to hug us (or no one we feel like hugging – there are always Tits-Herberts lurking about and any opportunity given they will squeeze your tits…or well, in my case it would be my ass because I doubt they’d find my tits even if they were looking for them. Especially not if they are nearsighted. And then there are the “I am certain we are perfect for each other you just haven’t realised” it types too. No, no and no.). Therefore it’s super important to remember all the people who would have hugged you if they were there. To remember their energy. Their love and the lessons they taught us are always with us. Even their sense of humor, or their appreciation for something that we can now appreciate just because they taught us how to. Above and beyond anything – to know how much love you yourself carry within you. Love is everywhere – we just have to remember to feel it. And for the love of God – do give your man a blow job whilst you still can – you never know how much time you will have with someone. Do your very best to enjoy and relish in every moment, pampering them as much as you can and giving them the freedom and support to grow to become the most they can ever be. Your love, after all, is the most precious thing you have to offer. Be generous.

When your sex life is a mess…

Did I fuck you, or you fuck me, or did we just fuck?

If someone says: “Honestly, our sex life is terrible darling,” how do you deal with it? Do you start to defend your moves and grooves in the bedroom? Do you get angry? Do you feel fear for being judged, with no allowance for improvement? Do you blame it on the person who uttered the words? Would you rather end the relationship than having to question and/or sort out your own/your partners abilities? Did you already know it, but neglected it as you’d rather have a poor sex life than dare to bring it up with your partner and risk ending up with no sex life at all? Did your partner utter the sentence filled with love, compassion and a willingness to do her/his utmost to create the most marvelous sex life on the planet, or was s/he filled with blame, anger, fear, or frustration? How honest are you prepared to be when questioning your sex life and other relationships, including the one you have with yourself (no not your masturbation techniques, different chapter)?

Honesty. We talk about it a lot, or at least many of us throw it out as a description rather often. “I like honesty. I want honest friends and employees. Honesty is a good trait. Honest people are nice.” Yet, what is honesty? You can be honest with someone and yet only tell them part of the bigger picture. You can use honesty to hurt, or to heal. You can speak honestly from your mind, with your heart completely closed. What is good honesty?

I started thinking about stories recently…or, well, I always think about stories, but this week in particular as I heard three different versions of the same story, one being my own version. So I started pondering how honest the three different stories were. In all fairness I can’t say that anyone was lying, but due to different people choosing to talk about different parts of the story and ignoring others, the story looked very different from the three different perspectives. It’s like saying: “Jake took my purse.” v.s. “Jake took my purse to go buy the oranges I asked him to buy for me as my car broke down and they were too heavy to carry on foot.” In one story Jake is a thief, in the other a hero.

It can also be a very different story depending on if a person is constructing a story to work in their favor, or just sharing from their heart exactly what they are feeling.

What’s more, it can, of course, get very confusing if the person who is sharing the story isn’t thinking with their heart, but rather with their mind and have no clue of what they are actually feeling or what was really going on as they saw it through their own lenses, their own filters of reality. If you are very perceptive you may even feel that they are saying one thing, but feeling another, but they themselves don’t even know it – if anything they may just not be able to make the story make sense in their own minds. If, on the other hand, they are speaking with both their heart and mind and the two are disagreeing – one minute their heart is speaking, the next minute their mind and the mind and heart have opposing ideas of what is true – it can get even more confusing. For example, from January or so this year my heart was telling me to go to London for God knows what reasons, but my mind was telling me to stay in LA for plenty of reasons. Now, until I had figured this out maybe I shouldn’t have been confusing other people with my ideas back and forth, but that’s easier said than done as we often blurt out what’s going on in our hearts and minds to those close to us.

My choice of cities could have further confused people if say, with person A I always spoke from my heart, person B my mind, person C I didn’t tell anything at all to and person D got both my heart and mind. How I related to these people may be much because of how they related to me and/or much because of what I was most connected to at the time (heart, or mind). It may also be that I didn’t know up from down myself and simply shared whatever I believed/perceived to be the truth, but that may still not stop them from thinking I should have acted differently in my story telling once they found out what my final decision was (to stay stuck in the middle, or follow my heart, or mind). What’s more, they might very well have their own idea about what my mind and my heart should be like, as it would suit them better. Story telling can be bloody confusing until the day you say sayonara to everything but your own heart. Screw everything else: it’s the heart that counts. (That’s my not so humble opinion.)

If people aren’t listening to their hearts, but rather their logical reasoning, their learned ideas about themselves and life…then they are creating unreal stories in their lives and probably living them too. From an outside perspective you may see that the person got the wrong end of the stick (or the dick), but as the person is believing in the story they have created, it’s their reality. Their emotions are reacting to the story they have created in their minds, however unreal, but the emotions are real. Chemicals have gotten created and the person can feel them, yet something inside may tell them that something dodgy is going on, no matter how great the emotions. Talk about confusion!

What I also came to ponder is the fact that you are continuously creating stories about people and most of the time you aren’t sharing the stories with the people they are about. How many times have you sat down with your friends and shared the story about them and you? How you see your friendship from day one till now? I came to think about this as someone started asking me questions about someone whom I believe I have been honest with. I believe I have shared my heart with them, I have shared my feelings, my thoughts and what have you. What suddenly hit me though is that the story I would tell if someone asked me to tell the complete story from day one till now of our friendship, well that story the person the story is about had never heard.

Think about it like this: you go on vacation, you have a summer fling and you are, in the moment with that person open, free, what have you. When you get home friends ask you about your fling and you tell them a story. A story you probably never told the person you were having the fling with. So even if you were honest with the person at the time, it’s unlikely you sit down and tell them exactly how you see your whole story with them and how it’s impacted your life, the lessons you’ve learnt, what they gave you, etc.

This story creating goes for family, friends, business partners, mentors, what have you – we are constantly creating stories and, at times, very biased stories. Even when people tell you you are a great blessing, they really appreciate you, you have brought them joy and wonders, they may never get anymore specific than that. You may think you gave them one thing, but they may feel utterly blessed for another that you didn’t even consider a gift.

What further came to mind is that when we build connections with people, if we do so based on a story we have invented, rather than a genuine connection springing from our heart and soul, we are bound to live in fear. Fear that the money, or looks, or moves we used to impress them with will sooner or later fade, or they will discover we never possessed them in the first place. The story I used to choose to tell men could be rather fascinating, whether I told it in words, or actions, or the way I chose to dress. I liked to sort of…hmm…sex things up and remove the emotions as somewhere along the way I started to think that men want heartless women who are great in bed and will leave them when the morning comes. I was potentially mistaken in this conclusion. Just potentially. I also, at some point, came to realise that if I tell this heartless sex story I will end up with men that want something I can’t offer, as uh, I do have emotions, I do care and I do make people breakfast in bed. If you don’t like to be doted on, I’m not your girl.

My logical mind was trying to protect my heart by living in accordance with an idea it had gotten from information that had been provided, but the only way to protect your heart is to be true to your heart and live from a space of love. When you are what you want, you get what you want, whether you logically realise what that is or not.

Another thought appeared to me as I was talking about person A together with person B. Now, it was quite clear that we perceived this person very differently, so it hit me that it might be a bad idea to listen to another person’s idea of someone as they have created a story based on who they are first and foremost, not who the person they are talking about is. Also, how the person they describe relates to them is much because of what they put out there. If we believe a person is a devil it may be because we made them behave as a devil, or appeared as a devil to them. If we believe a person is an angel, it may be because we behaved as an angel to them, or appeared as an angel to them. Of course we all have individual responsibility – if someone tells me I’m an ass I can tell them I don’t agree and that’s that, or I can slap them, or tell the whole world they are an asshole – my behavior, no matter how “triggered” by someone else, is my choice. And speaking of which: when we create stories we often say “because s/he did this, I did that, or I learnt this, or I feel like this.” Now, that’s making them responsible and you are the one whose life is being ruled by someone else. Know that you can, to some extent at least, choose what to think and how to react. It’s like a history class with Mr Y – one student loves Mr Y and history, another student hates history, but loves Mr Y. Yet another student hates history and Mr Y and yet another one hates Mr Y, but loves history. Now, who will try to learn about history during these classes and who will occupy their minds more so with the teacher than with the subject? And who will choose to disregard their own preconceived ideas and just get on with the topic at hand and learn what they need to learn?

As I see it, if you want to learn about life, then every person you meet and every event you are part of becomes a tool for learning; an asset if you so like for gaining deeper knowledge and becoming more able to deal with things yet to come. If you, on the other hand, think life is nothing but a series of unexplainable and unpredictable events you may not ponder about it at all and, consequently, think you have no say about how your life goes – you are at the mercy of others and life itself.

Because I believe that you mainly (not necessarily always as there are other influences too) get what you attract (or consciously/sub-consciously look for and therefore walk up to when you spot it), I don’t necessarily want to blame anyone for what they so to speak caused me – I want to look inside myself so that I can create what I want within me and therefore be drawn to what I want in the future. And let’s face it – it’s often when things go tits up that we start to question what’s going on inside. We don’t always stop to ponder the small things, but when there is no way of closing our eyes to what’s going on, we are forced to listen and, therefore, if we so wish, start changing things within ourselves.

Taking responsibility for your insides does not make other people nice if they do something unpleasant, nor does it mean that you should stick around them. It simply means that you may wanna have a look inside of you to see what created this, whether it was fear, suppressed anger, belief systems…you name it. Otherwise you are likely to end up in the same situation, or with a similar influence in your life, whether event or person, in the future. You may actually be pushing/provoking situations and people to prove your ideas right. Most things for that matter can be sorted with a bit of love – live from a place of love and your life will take blissful turns. When I say this I also have to point out that living from a place of love does not mean getting rid of your spine – stand up for yourself, point out when people are abusing their relationship with you, just do so from a place of love and compassion. Soon that love and compassion will come back to you. I believe whatever you talk about, even the unpleasant stuff, needs to come from this place. If nothing else, it removes people’s’ wish to defend themselves and go against your words. It removes fear and anger. If you want to be honest just to hurt someone, you may as well lie – it will have equally disastrous effects. If it doesn’t come from a space of love, it will backfire.

So guys, next time you talk to your lover about your sex life…have a heartfelt think before you blame them for the sexperiment where you did the doggie dressed in pink leather atop the Empire State Building…or praise them for the best sex of your life – maybe it just so happened that you were co-creating that experience… Go make love to the world – honestly speaking, it could do with some TLC…

The vagina…

Being scared of who you are is not easy...

Yeah, I know – it’s that thing women have. That one thing that partly separates us from men, but also makes us compatible with them. Give them an opportunity to connect, so to speak. It’s a beautiful thing, right?!! It enables lives to be made. It enables pleasure. It enables the male-female connection to happen physically. Yet, the vagina has gotten a few bad names in history. It’s taboo. It’s like any liberating thing in history: they wanted to control it. Why I’m not sure. Don’t masturbate – it’s bad for you. Don’t think about vaginas if you are a man – it’s bad for you. Don’t be who you are, don’t have a vagina, it’s really nasty.

I just read the vagina monologues. I know. I’m behind. I probably should have done so a long time ago. Woman wanting liberation. Woman spending her life, since fourteen, in hot pursuit of liberation. Of releasing. Of relaxing. Of daring to be without pretence. Woman wanting to be woman. Nothing more, nothing less. And, yet, she didn’t read the vagina monologues until today.

Still, this liberation fighter (because she was completely not liberated in her childhood, a captive of her own incapacitating beliefs about herself) had an issue writing this post. Why? It contains the word “vagina.” The thing 50% of the population have. A beautiful body part. But you aren’t supposed to talk about it. What would people think? They already defriend me because of overtly sexual headlines. Wouldn’t “vagina” be to take it too far? But it’s part of who I am and I have no intention of being ashamed of who I am anymore. So I think it’s OK. I think it’s OK to talk about vaginas. In fact, I think it’s absolutely terrific to talk about vaginas.

People (or should I say “society”?) have a lot of ideas about who we should be, what we should do…what’s right and what’s wrong. It’s a very serious business this life. So serious you have to wear a suit and a tie to match it (and I’m not talking about doing it for the sex appeal right now…there is that factor too)…but why? What’s the purpose? Is success a house in the suburbs, not having sex before marriage, or having sex way before marriage (depends where you grew up), 2.5 children, manicured nails, great taste (the one that fits in) and a fat bank account? Or is it simply to be happy – indulge in the beauty and the pleasure life can give you, and serve humanity and this planet as best as you can?

We, ourselves, have a lot of ideas about right or wrong. Someone molested us as children, so we think we are bad. We had bad parents, so we think we are doomed, on some level, to act like them. That we have been poisoned by their poison. Someone told us we were stupid, or geeky, or shy, or dirty, or this or that and we believed them. We acted it out. Then we believed ourselves and the image we had created. They never created it. They just did something and we assumed it was a reflection of us, when really, it was probably a reflection of them. Of who they were.

Some of us have had the realization that what we believed in wasn’t true. Yet, it may take years to understand it. To not follow it like a dogma anymore. To believe in a different self-image. Because what are we? We are humans. Inside us we may have a talent, or a trait, or something that defines us (you know that center that feels like that would be you under any circumstance? Those longings, pulls, dreams inside of you that seem to have been there since get go? Those things you have always done, always felt? Your soul?), but the rest is up to us to create and that’s hard for most of us to grasp, because we want to know who we are. What we are like. We do tests in magazines to find out what kind of people we are attracted to, or what kind of personality we have…we want a definition. Yet, we will forever be work in progress. There is no set definition. The person in your childhood who was a bad role model, or treated you badly, did not define you. You can find a different role model and someone who treats you nicely and let that define you. If you want a definition.

Shouldn’t we live in that place inside our hearts where we are free? Where we know there is nothing shameful, or bad about us. Where we know we may have impulses we do not like, or thoughts that stink, but knowing we have an option. A choice. A choice as to what we act out. And even so we may fail at times because an autopilot kicks in, rendering us helpless to habit, but knowing we are walking in the right direction and we have to forgive ourselves. Punishing ourselves by thinking we are bad will only lead to more bad, so that we can feel even worse…a cycle of punishment. We have to give it up and learn to love ourselves. Then our actions will change automatically. We will feel love, so we will act with love. We will understand the pain we have been through and the pain others go through, because they have defined themselves without love. We will experience sympathy. And we will know we are OK. We will forgive ourselves.

It’s taken me about 14 years to come to terms with who I am. Of just being. Of knowing that my vagina is just fine, even if it is crooked, or small, or big, or…whatever it is. Of knowing I’m not a shameful thing. Of knowing my presence does not embarrass, or put a burden on others, like I thought it did as a kid. Of knowing that my feelings are OK. Of knowing that my love for others is not a punishment for them. Of knowing that yup, I make a fool out of myself ever so often either from clumsiness, or ignorance on a subject, or simply by being in love and walking into lamp posts…but I’m fine. I don’t have to be great at everything. Don’t have to be perfect. I can just relax, enjoy life and do what I love. That’s what life is about: love. Doing what we love, indulging in things and places that we love, loving ourselves and others. That’s success, right there. No matter what your vagina looks like.

And still, the idea of being in front of a man I love, or at a huge social gathering and daring to be just that. No pretence. No covers. No impressing shit. Just sitting there staring him/them in the eye and being me scares the hell out of me. Not because it actually scares me that much anymore, I like this state of being, but because I’m scared I am not able to relax that much yet. Years of thinking fearful thoughts makes me automatically switch on. In social settings I catch myself wondering what everyone thinks of me, suspecting no one truly likes me and when it comes to men it gets even worse. It’s just a pattern though. All I have to do is relax and be in the moment, knowing that I am comfortable in me now. I like me. I don’t think there is anything wrong with my vagina anymore. That there is a dark spot inside of me, that when discovered everyone will dislike me. That is simply the ghost of a childhood past.

Life becomes so pleasurable this way. Enjoying your vagina. Enjoying all that is you. The miracle that is you. You don’t have to wear a suit, you just have to be you. Naked. Raw. Open. More vulnerable and open than you have ever been, yet more protected because you are protecting you. You know you won’t believe in harsh words about you, or harsh thoughts. You are OK, just as you are.

I would do anything for love, but I won’t do a striptease in the town square darling, I just won’t…

It's all about being served hot chocolate in bed, let me tell ya...

Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more. – Erica Jong I also think that’s the reason love fades…because after the honeymoon we stop fighting for it. We take it for granted. We don’t water the flowers anymore, we just expect them to bloom, when really we need to water them for that to happen. Every single day of our lives we need to water our loved ones with love. With the things that make them feel loved.

People seem to get married thinking that what is now will be forever. Yet, they read the news. They know that people can lose their arms, crash cars, burn houses down by mistake…and when someone does so in their own life, they blame them. They didn’t enter into the relationship thinking they were going to be with someone who is no longer capable of moving their legs, or paying for their multi-million dollar homes, someone who will have a miscarriage, or lose their face in public. Shit happens. That’s life. And when we are in it together, we have to deal with it together, supporting ourselves and each other with love.

I don’t know, it’s just sad to see so many relationships crash even though two people love each other, they just simply forgot to make the relationship magical. I mean who doesn’t swoon hearing that some guy who has been married for twenty years still gives his Missus breakfast in bed ever so often, or sneak naughty messages into her handbag before she leaves for work, or gives her flowers, or sit talking to her for hours about life, or brings home chocolate chip cookies after work, or pours her a bath and makes her a cup of tea when she’s tired, or holds her hand in public, or steals her away for the weekend? It’s other small things as well: when you live together you have to be tolerant to each other’s wishes, habits and flaws. You have to make the household work in a way which make both parties happy.

I think a relationship can be pretty seamless if you have a very open communication (fueled by love and understanding, not blame and neediness) and you fight for it. And that’s a nice fight. A pleasurable fight. It’s doing something for someone you love, using your own creativity and imagination to make it happen (but of course set your limits to striptease in the town square. if that’s what it takes, you may be better off with the gardener. Just saying…). It’s when you stop fighting for the relationship that the real fights begin.

As a friend of mine said: you can just play with it. First you play dating. Then you play relationship. Then you play moving in together…then you keep playing. Who doesn’t love to play??? To have fun, to create magic and laughter?? …and maybe some naughtiness too??…

I never before spoke about The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, The Mastery Of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz, or The Way Of The Superior Man (and a bunch of other books) by David Deida, did I? Nah…didn’t think so. Just Google it…if curiosity tickles you that is…

Beautiful you…

Dare to stick your neck out...into the flower field...

Knock, knock, who’s in there? Will you come out? Will you show me the beautiful you? Will you share your love and laughter with the world today? Hiding in the shadows doesn’t bring much light to your eyes. Walking in the sunshine makes your skin sparkle and your eyes twinkle with delight.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been a master at hiding. Since age nine, or so, I remember walking in roundabout ways to avoid people I thought would rather not see me. I remember locking myself into my room to avoid my step family. I remember looking down when a cute guy passed my path in fear of rejection. I remember feeling like a burden; an unwanted piece of something, that was better off hiding so as not to disturb others.

To this day I sometimes still retract; hide in a corner. Frightened that my company is unwanted; a burden on someone else. I don’t dare to open up and show the beauty that is me. I don’t dare to give.

If you aren’t sharing the light that is truly you. If you aren’t showing off your talents, your smile, your gorgeous, gorgeous laughter, you are doing the world, not to mention yourself, a disfavor.

The world is not here to judge you – the world is here to love you.  The world is not here to put you down – the world is here to enjoy you. The world is not here to punch you in the face – the world is here to fall in love with you. You see though, the tricky thing is for the world to enjoy you, they have to see you. For the world to receive your gifts, you have to give them. For the world to laugh at your jokes, you have to tell them. For the world to hear your stories, you have to share them. For the world to fall in love with you, you have to fall in love with the world.

And if you want for someone else to open, you have to love them open. Like a flower opens to the sun, humans open to love. That doesn’t mean there can’t be boundaries and discipline and telling someone right from wrong, that too is love, but without love all is empty. Without love we all close up. And so, you also have to love yourself open, so that you can see the beautiful you. So that the world gets a chance to enjoy you and you get a chance to enjoy the world.

I want to have a threesome…

Everest...

Really, do you? For sure? Are you sure?… Now I don’t know what it is YOU want. I’m still getting clear on what I want…it takes a bit of time sometimes, to really figure out what makes one’s heart sing. Some people get so caught up in the love they forget the sex, or so caught up in sex they forget the love…doesn’t mean they don’t want the other, they just got caught up in something else. Some people get caught up in money, others in relationships, some in fitness, others in social life…we all get a tad caught up here and there…so if only in Facebook…

At other times people say they want something, but they haven’t really thought it through. It’s one thing to say you want to climb Everest, but when you start thinking about what that MEANS, you may not want to…the exercise, the preparation, the cost, the things you have to go through, the cold, the lack of oxygen, the risks… As the old saying goes: be careful what you wish for…and if you do wish for something: do so with good intentions. Pray for it to arrive in a loving way.

It’s yet another thing to distinguish a want from a fantasy. So many times we hear people say: “I want to learn French, I want to date this girl, I want to have a threesome…” The thing is though…how many of these people take steps to achieve it? Figure out what needs to get done and go for it? Is it really a want? Or just a fantasy? If it’s a true want, if you aren’t achieving it, what’s stopping you? What limiting belief is holding you back? What other priority gets in the way from you to achieve it? How do you let go of what’s stopping you and turn it into something which is enabling it to happen right now?

Figure out what turns you on…and go get it…

Right now I would love to…I want to…yes, that’s my secret…hope you have some yummy secrets too…

The song of my heart…

Write...even if it doesn't make sense...explore...feel...

I wish I had an idea of what to write… That’s a good start, isn’t it? Or not. Right. Sometimes though we just have to accept where we are at and smile at it. Accept it in our heart and go with it, rather than against it. It’s OK. Even if it’s not, it is. It’s OK because you surrender to the moment. Not giving up, just surrendering. Learning. Embracing what’s there, so that you can use it to your advantage. Cursing what isn’t or whatever, won’t help. Just surrender and turn it into something amazing. You can’t create things out of living in something which isn’t real. By giving into the moment you are tapping into all the resources, all the learnings and all the things that are available to you right then and there. Acceptance is the first part of change.

It got written, even though I did not know what to write. I surrendered and in that lay my inspiration. Now I just have to do it with so many other things also. Explore. Feel. Speak the truth. Good night and good luck…

Power baby, power…

Mmm...

There is something powerful within each person and I think it’s important to remember this. The most important ones on your team are not your computers, or stationary, it’s people. The most important events in your life will not be shaped so much by physical things, as they will people.

When you meet a new person it can be easy to disregard them. Whether it be their looks, or their awkwardness in the moment, some people just aren’t attractive to us. Of course, the ones you get a really negative vibe from you may choose to avoid altogether, but you should remember that within them rests the same core as within you, or at least very similar. They were once also a baby. They, like yourself have laughed, loved, cried and made-up. And they are powerful, should they choose to unleash their power and so are you.

If you disregards someone, you miss an opportunity right there and then. An opportunity that is usually far more valuable than a million, or even three (but may lead to just that…). In a lifetime the amount of times people will refer you when talking to their friends or colleagues, smile at you, give you a helping hand, dry your tears for you, etc. are numerous. They have a great power, not just within them, but also in context of what their love and care can create for you.

Approach people from a place of knowing. Knowing how powerful they are. What great treasures lie within them, even if they are a bit rusty on the surface. Invite them to unleash their true power and invite yourself to do the same. You are a powerhouse and a real treasure. Watch out for the Jack Sparrows out there, but know that even that gorgeous pudding has some gold inside even if he’s somewhat…mutinous…but oh so drip dropping gorgeous with those twinkling brown eyes!!!!

Between my satin sheets…

That’s where I’m curled up right now. No intention of moving. Hugging my pillow is my task for the day. I feel like an elephant and his gorgeous wife are doing the tango inside my head (no, really, I’m sure this is possible – you just haven’t met this charming elephant couple yet if you don’t believe me). Someone else has found the remote control to my body and is seriously playing with the temperature button. I wish it was a man who…turned me on…but I’m afraid it’s more like a flu. I have been sick for three days now and all I want is for someone to make me my favorite raw salads (or make up new ones) and feed me raw ice cream that would soothe my throat. Maybe some nice fever clenching teas too. That would be simply brilliant.

I couldn’t phantom why I felt worse upon awakening today than when going to bed yesterday. Then I realized that because I had to remain on my feet yesterday I ate so many painkillers I was literally numb. Still exhausted, but numb.

Sometimes we use other things than painkillers to numb something. It works in the same way though – we forget it’s there and operate as if it wasn’t, but it is. So many of us deny a part of ourselves. Something that actually deserves attention. Whether it’s a side of us that needs to sit down and mourn, a side of us that needs some pampering, or a side of us that simply needs to be seen.

I’m one of those people who love attention, love to be loved and love to share life with others (…so long as I can do it in the way of a true Leo – keep my independence and call my own shots). I just hate asking for it (like duh, us felines are superior, we don’t ask for these things – they are served on a silver plate…). Give me a mic and I will entertain the crowd. Give me a stage and I’ll make a performance. Give me a pen and I will write you a story. Give me a party and I will be sorry to disturb someone by talking to them. I hate asking for attention. I hate intruding. The problem is people don’t see me. How can they see me if I never show myself? I basically numb my own reactions so as not to draw attention. I don’t see a reason to speak too much before I know people – when I do know them though, I know they want me around. Then again, even when I know they love me I feel silly asking for help…the other night I almost fainted from my fever. I still felt ashamed and stupid to awake my best friend. I felt I was intruding on her good night’s sleep.

This makes me sound retarded, it’s not like I’m always hiding in corners, but nine times out of ten when people get to know me they’re like “Wow, you’re amazing, I never would have thought you were this much fun.” My best friend thinks this is brilliant – everyone’s in for a happy surprise and I’m like this nice gift you have to unwrap before you get the juicy inside (of course if you read this blog you get quite a bit of juice…). It’s only the people who choose to be near me that get to experience me, pretty much. I, on the other hand, think it’s an issue. I’m so tired of hearing how people first perceived me as being really arrogant (and maybe, just maybe sometimes they are right…the whole silver plate thing, ahem…) and then they discover that I’m “actually nice, warm and really funny.” I must miss out on nine out of ten people because they think I’m a diva, or plain boring. It’s not clever marketing. It’s like labeling Coca Cola with Sprite. What’s more, I feel jealous of people who have a nice marketing kit – they get attention, I don’t. Then I get angry with myself for getting jealous.

Now, of course there are days when I decide to talk to everyone that moves, there are days when people think I’m bubblier than a bubble bath (cheese police on its way) and there are days when I simply don’t feel like talking to people and I’m not one of those people who always want to be the center of attention – I really do love sitting back and listening to others. I’m like one of those sponges that soak up what people are talking about. What I’m trying to say is that most of us put on a mask, a show, a guard that’s our wall. Our wall against perceived evils. Most outgoing people talk to cover up their insecurities, I’m silent and avoid showing emotions because I was so used to being told off by bullies and my step-mom whenever I opened my mouth. If I didn’t say anything, no one had any validation for putting me down – I could still believe that the real me was great and they could never mock it, because they couldn’t see it. See me. Basically, if you don’t see me you can’t hurt me, but if you can’t see me, you can’t love me either. So many men have fallen for the fact that I’m unattainable, only to realize that once they get past my guards I’m like a dog – completely faithful. If someone becomes my friend, they’re my friend for life. I don’t play Russian Roulette with friendships, or lovers and I get extremely offended when people do.

If there is a side of you, you are ignoring, maybe take some time to ask that side what it is it truly needs. You have all the answers inside of you. You just have to “talk to yourself.” Ask what part of you needs to come out and get dusted off – get a chance to be out dancing in rays of sunlight. The thing is, even the things we have put aside because we think they hurt and need to be numbed usually aren’t as bad as we would believe. Once we look them in the eye and accept them, we realize they are just thoughts hiding in our head. They are the past, not the future. Yesterday is not today. We are not whom we were. We are not caught up in the circumstance of yesterday. We are free to be whom we like. And love. And adore.

I think I’m getting fever hallucinations. I was about to say: let’s all sprinkle ourselves with love and radiate the true beauty we all keep inside of ourselves. Let’s dance in the sunlight and play with the moonlight. Let’s sap up the true beauty of life and enjoy ourselves, the creatures we are, to the full. Clearly I’m delusional. I would never say something like that. Ever.

Love…

I’m really yummy, I swear…you just have to unwrap me, or make me purr…

One nagging fantasy…

We all have fantasies right? Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you didn’t fantasize about that…..uh…..that new house you want. Or wearing that………..dress. Fantasies can be quite good – make us imagine things so we can act on them so as to achieve them. They allow us to pack a bag because we imagine what we will need to use during our trip. (That’s clearly why I didn’t bring an umbrella to San Fransisco…….I imagine I can buy one here…). You can also imagine the sum total of what you like and avoid people and things that don’t match up (instead of getting emotionally attached to douchebags because they are so charming…ahem..). What’s more, you can imagine where you want to go and if you see the road you are on isn’t taking you there, you can change paths. You can even imagine whom you want to be. The reality you create in your mind is the reality you will act from. If you believe you are unafraid of heights you will be happy to climb mountains. If you believe you are scared of heights, you will be unhappy climbing mountains. Maybe it’s subconscious, but it’s actually a choice. It’s not a defined reality. Pretty, cool, eh??!!!

Always remember whom you want to be and act from that place, instead of pondering on whom you’ve sometimes been and how much you dislike it. Move towards what you like instead of away from what you don’t like. So simple. Yet, we are so friggin brainwashed into thinking we are our pasts. Because of what we did then it makes us xyz. Because of what people told us we were, or how they reacted to us, it makes us abc. It makes us no one. The past is merely a fantasy in our minds.

I keep saying this, I keep forgetting it. I guess I need post-it notes all around the house saying: I am the now. I am whom I choose to be. I am the most comfortable corner within my soul. I am friggin marvelous!!!!!!!!

Have a wonderful Friday everyone – giggle at almost anything, tickle someone, watch the sunset, or the cloud formations, eat something you love, dive into endless possibilities and above all play with life, laugh out loud and love endlessly.