Our ever so easy fuck…

OK, so the headline isn’t meant to read like that. It’s meant to say “our ever so easy frock” but dizzy here almost fell off the bed whilst reading it in an email, as of course I read it as the headline of this blog reads – in other words: our ever so easy fuck. If I can, I always put a fuck in the sentence, so the line didn’t shock me. The shock was that I thought my favorite interior decorating shop had put it in their headline. Anthropologie aren’t exactly known for their crazy headlines if you know what I mean.

The other day a bus had an ad on it that read “Dress to suit the town,” which I believed said “dress to shit the town.” I thought this a really weird ad, that’s why I looked twice and realized it was I that was weird, not the ad, which kind of sums up life right there: often life is beautiful, but our insides perceive it as anything but. That’s the spiritual lesson you get from seeing shit on the bus.

Now, of course I managed to draw some spiritual enlightenment from “our ever so easy fuck” as well. First of all I concluded fucks should be easy. In other words: don’t fuck fuck-nots. If there isn’t flow – if someone doesn’t love and adore you – fuck it. Don’t fuck them, fuck it.

Secondly, this reminded me of Branson’s “screw it let’s do it” – as an easy fuck means you just go for it, glide forward gracefully instead of getting stuck hiding.  You see, recently I’ve been reminded that life is this very moment. This very moment. And how I spend it is very important. It’s my life I’m spending. It’s not rich uncle Edward’s antique gold coins (if you know a rich uncle Edward, please tell him I’d love some gold coins), it’s my life. And my life is priceless. There is only one of me, which is why it’s priceless. You can’t exchange me. There is no substitute for me. I’m one hundred percent unique (at this point some people are sighing, wishing they could indeed exchange me, or get their money back – especially my dad who would like his money back for the years he kept this starving artist above starvation level) and my life is here and now – this is my only chance to spend it. It’s time to screw it and just fucking do it – stand up for myself and claim my birthright: the life of my dreams.

This came about partly because recently I did an intuitive exercise, a tune in, to reveal what was going on for me, and what I realized was that I was feeling ridiculous. I felt ridiculous for living my dreams – like I was this little girl in fairy tale land  (the land everyone used to tell me it was impossible to reach) and I was petrified people would ask me who the hell I think I am? Surely I’m just a silly dreamer and soon my dreams will crash around me and then everyone will laugh at my little invented fairy tale? What gives me the right to be so bloody happy? I’m not important enough to be that happy, am I? So instead of going full force forward claiming my dreams I got petrified and almost backed down. I was very far from “screw it let’s do it.” It was more like I was dressed to shit this town.

Looking at this I realized that I have been close to living my dreams before, but I have always backed down. As soon as someone doubted me, I doubted myself. I did not have the conviction to follow through. My companies are great proofs of this – I’ve been close to launch so many times and yet never done it.

I used to feel like a complete waste – people praised my talents wherever I went, but I always ended up working with something that did not serve my talents and made me feel miserable and inadequate. I had guys chasing me in every town, but never fell for anyone but the ones that didn’t want me. Time and time again I proved to myself how worthless I was. I was brave enough to do some things, like starting this blog, but crikey the book proposal for it has been sitting on my desk for A YEAR. I wrote it a year ago and never sent it. I felt it wasn’t perfect enough and now I’m a freelance writer but I only apply for the jobs I think I can get, not the ones I really want. Like my own published articles. Hallelujah.

I’m the kind of person that leaves a party if I sense someone dislikes me. I back down. I was going haywire for a while because some people did not agree with me mentoring/fostering the kids I now look after. It was my dream and yet I listened to them and question every blooming aspect of myself before saying yes to doing it. I know others will question the companies I want to launch. If I start dating someone, he will question me. That’s life. Every treasure comes with a threshold guardian and a few demons to boot.

I have been running around in circles for so long because I couldn’t stand facing other people’s dislike. I avoided dating, launching companies, publishing my book…I avoided truly pursuing what I loved, even if on the outside it looked like I was going for it. I never stood up for myself. I never told off the guys that messed me around, I never said I’m gonna launch my companies and publish my book so if it’s the last thing I do. I never showed up at a party feeling utterly pleased with myself, not caring what others thought of me. I just feverishly tried to make myself better so as to have everyone’s approval for everything. I mean it’s scary saying you will do something with the potentiality it will fail and all those non-believers will be having a party! But so what, then you learn and move on instead of regretting all the things you never did. Life is about exploring, not achieving. Of course you have to have the right purposes behind what you do and always question yourself, but that’s different from not believing in yourself.

A few years back I asked myself if I feared success and I thought I must, because I was already failing so that couldn’t be what frightened me. No, what frightened me was hearing others say how great I am and actually acknowledge it. Dare to believe in it. Not think they would turn around and start laughing and humiliating me two seconds later. I was scared of being exposed in the light. It was much easier hiding in the shadows.

I think it’s time for an ever so easy fuck, don’t you? I’ve been dressed to shit this town for way too long – hiding in my own shit and behind my ever so complicated fuck-nots. It’s time to shine my light. I feel ridiculous just saying that, but it really is time. Maybe I will stand up on my high heels and fall straight into a duck pond (that was blocking the road, clearly) classic blondie style, but if I do, then I want to do so in the light, enjoying my splashing. Enjoying living life to the full – experiencing all it has to offer. Besides, what could be sexier than a blonde in a duck pond…erm…a blonde proudly walking with her head up into a party?

Freedom!

Roleplaying? Let’s ride that horse!

Have you got the saddle and the whip ready? OK, ‘cuz here we go – this post is coming at you at dramatic speed, with just the right amount of naughty suspension… (…that’s to say I’m just about to do a moral/philosophical/spiritual preaching session, but I will cover it up with a naughty headline and sexual introduction and leave you with a happy ending… There, are you aroused? Good, now let’s move on to the real juicy bits, the crux of the crux so to speak…)

I remember my principal at acting school telling us the story of how he asked a student what they would be willing to do to become a great actor? They said anything, including chopping off a finger. He asked them if they were willing to remove their piercings and wear neutral clothes for a while. The answer was no. The idea of giving up their identity was terrible to them, yet it’s the basics of acting. See, in order to become a great actor you have to be willing to let go of your ego. You have to be willing to step into any person’s mind and act out their thoughts without any hold backs. You cannot let your thoughts impact the character. In other words: whether you are acting the nerdiest nerd, the most arrogant twat, the gothiest goth, a politician, a whore, a criminal…you have to put your own thoughts about the character aside and willingly think the thoughts of the character.

You can’t act a well meaning politician at the same time as you think all politicians are lying bastards. In the same way if you are wearing the most hideous outfit you have ever seen and the character thinks it is great, walking around really proud, you can’t let your own thoughts get in the way and start feeling ashamed in front of the audience. A good actor can let go of their thoughts and embrace the character. Most people if they are so fond of their piercings, hairstyles and clothes that they can’t walk around town wearing no jewelry and completely neutral clothes, hair and make-up, will probably find acting very difficult, because it means they are using their style to make them feel good.

I know all these things and yet I sometimes find myself desperately holing onto my attitude – holding onto wearing clothes that I believe put me in a good light, or behaving in ways that are complete acts, whilst I’m covering my heart. To stand firmly grounded with an open heart, without the use of any kind of wardrobe or props is still work in progress for me. When there are daunting situations it just feels so much better to be armed with stilettos, crack jokes at the speed of lightning and do an intellectual play of words, just so as to confuse and outsmart people. It feels so good to radiate confidence and look the part, doesn’t it? Other times I feel much more safe hiding in a corner than dealing with a group of people if I know some people in the group dislike me. Standing up for myself would mean confrontation and that means I would have to face their dislike. Face their dislike, honestly acknowledge if there are things about me I should change (valid criticism) and at the same time be completely grounded in my love for myself and them as human beings. Not easy. If I’m a teacher, or director, it’s easy, because I’m detached – I’m there to make sure they learn, or act. I’m in a position of power, of strength and I make sure to do my job as neutral as I can. I’m also very confident in those positions, as I trust my professional capabilities, if not my personal ones. If it’s on a personal level, I feel 12 years old and bullied, or as if I’m facing my former step-mother, both which are memories I’m not very fond of. Which is my second point to all this: for all my knowledge about being neutral and seeing life and people for what they truly are, I still act from the place of a character, rather than from my heart.

So, dear readers, I guess what I’m saying is that it’s time to let go a bit of attitude, or quiet reserve, and open my heart and give of myself, as well as stand up for myself. On a personal level. After all, if you think about it – if you can’t let go of thoughts about what the other person thinks of you, or what you are doing to them when having sex, will you ever truly enjoy the act? Whether you are riding them on a saddle, or doing the traditional missionary. Can you ever truly experience anything if you don’t let go of your ego? If you don’t immerse yourself completely in the act, instead of thinking of memories, or having things from your past triggered by the present? If you don’t leave judgement of self by the door? Can you ever see reality if you don’t let your ego go?

There is no nice way of putting lube in a headline, is there?! Not enough friction…

I just got what felt like half a bucket of car wax over me, so lubed up and ready I might as well jump straight into my next writing escapade…or as in this case: I can have another sip of wine, sit back and post the material I stole from a friend of mine. OK, stole might be a tad over dramatic. He emailed me about it. He was thinking about me when it happened, so he sent me a message to tell me about it and I decided it needed to go on this blog, because sure as…sure as…stars in the night sky there are things that move us forward as seamlessly as lubed up cars gliding through traffic (am I mixing my metaphors? Not at all. Surely). You know things that pull you forward effortlessly, even if the path is never effortless.

Those things that move us forward are what I call true matters of the heart. Following your intuition. Letting passion speak to you. Most people don’t get into this lubed up business as they get a bit frightened that the mortgage won’t get paid, or they simply think so much about the mortgage they forget to sit down and listen to their heart and work out a way to pay their mortgage using their heart. Once they take a moment though, their hearts will tell them where they truly want to go. And if they start walking that path little things will happen that will make their hearts sing and they will feel like lubed up cars gliding through traffic on a joyous ride. (This really is a grosse metaphor. I blame it on driving past too many gas stations in the U.S. signposting their lube, combined with the bottle of lube I was recently wearing…I mean, bottle of car wax…)

I promise my friend does not speak like me. He will not use sexual innuendo and lubed up cars (gross…but you know what I mean? When you just glide through things seamlessly, like a well oiled car…) to convey his message. He does have a lynx as a pet though. That makes up for any lack of sex in this blog.

So here I was about an hour ago, dropping my daughter off at drama class, which happens to be in the most elite part of town. All this while wondering what I’m doing and questioning where this path in life is taking me. Wondering why I have closed my jewelery business and now helping poor orphaned kids and campaigning for animals, so far from where my career started. Questions and anxiety amidst the chaos of my mind, surrounded by opulent wealth in end of the day bustle of cars and big houses.

At this moment I was stuck in traffic outside one of the private expensive schools, and suddenly this kid comes charging across the road dodging the traffic, smiling and frantically waving at me. Only when I saw the drawing in his hand did I realize that it was one of the orphaned boys from the orphanage from the other side of town!

It was all surreal…this upper class area for the rich kids, and one of the orphans from Sinethemba running out of the gates with his artwork straight toward me. One of the kids that only a few weeks back we were making a documentary about with one of the biggest fundraisers in the U.S. A documentary that might help change their lives.

I wonder how many of the children at that privileged private school had any idea where he was going to sleep tonight, huddled into a couple of rooms with twenty others and only one toilet in the worst area of town.

This was an ‘epiphany’ moment…the answer had come charging out of the most unexpected place!

At this very moment the sun was setting as a huge beautiful crimson ball above, through heavenly clouds…it was a very loud answer. – Sean Austin (Want to see those big cats he deals with? Check out his Facebook page!)

That my dear friends is what I’m talking about. How when you go for what you love you suddenly encounter these wonderful moments that make you feel like you glide through traffic (I’m going to leave out the metaphor about the…) and meet yourself along the way. Meet your own heart. See it like a reflection in the mirror. See the most valued part of yourself come alive. That. That my dear friends is priceless and funnily enough a goldsmith encountered something truly priceless, now that is priceless indeed!

Healing by making love…

You can have sex with almost anyone. You meet someone at a bar. There’s physical attraction. You end up in bed. You don’t have to love them. Live with them. Accept their flaws. Help them. Be there for them. Grow with them. Have them see your flaws. You don’t even have to tell them what you didn’t like about the sex and how you would love to improve it. Nor do you have to listen to the tell you what they didn’t like and how you can improve that. No one will infringe on your ego. You don’t have to face infringing on their’s. There’s no relationship. The thing is though, the whole world is one big relationship and if we want to make a change, we will have to learn to make love, both with those close to us and those far away.

In the wake of the Boston marathon disaster I feel compelled to say a few words. Like most people I feel it’s a terrible act. It leaves me completely puzzled to think that anyone would want to go and bomb civilians having a good time with friends and family. That’s what people do in war though – they feel someone has attacked them and their values and so they attack back. Someone killed their family and friends, maybe in a more obvious act of war like a bomb raid to overthrow the President, but they still did it. And then they feel they have the right to bomb back at any time. An eye for an eye.

Obviously I don’t know who committed the crime yesterday. I don’t know why. The only thing I believe I know is that to stop these crimes from happening we have to come together in love. We have to teach each other love and respect. Instead of spending hours talking about how horrid the world is, how horrid the person or people committing that act are, we should stand together and teach love and respect.

If it turns out that the bomber is part of a religion, or of a certain nationality I hope that what we do is not condemn the religion, or nationality and spend hours talking about how bad it all is, but rather go out there as agents of change and talk about love and respect. What it means to love and respect each other.

Similarly, there has been a lot of shootings in schools in America and sometimes I’m compelled to talk about how bad it is and part of me really wants to ban guns, because I don’t think everyone who has them are responsible individuals. However, in Switzerland everyone carries guns and you don’t hear about these problems. Why? Maybe because they were trained to be responsible individuals. Maybe they were taught love and respect? Also bear in mind Switzerland is always neutral in war. Their mentality towards shooting is completely different. They don’t have the eye for an eye thing going on. In the States it appears kids want to kill their bullies, thinking it’s justice. Wouldn’t it be better to teach their bullies respect? Love and respect? But how do you do that if you feel like the underdog? Apparently some people believe it’s through guns. Guns make them the upper dog. It’s a natural reaction, but it’s not a wise one. And it does not teach respect. Just like the kids on the streets screaming “respect me bitch” aren’t teaching anyone to respect them. They are teaching people to fear them. That’s very different.

Imagine this: there’s a convention going on. A convention where people of a certain faith about how life is supposed to be lived have come together. You don’t believe their way is the way to live life. You believe what they do infringe on people’s liberty and happiness, but they can’t see that as it’s the way they have been brought up to believe is the right way. That they are condemned by their society, or God if they live in another way. So you walk in there to try to convince them there is a better way. What do you think will bring you the best reception?

Is it if you walk in there proclaiming that their beliefs and how they live their lives is all wrong?

Is it by understanding their values and beliefs as best you can and explaining through examples from your own life how you have embraced some of their values and learned from them and also how some other values have enhanced your life? Values they might come to benefit from? And maybe how you had to throw out some of your old beliefs and values to be able to embrace the new ones that changed your life around?

If you’ve never faced what it feels like coming to terms with the idea that your way of life is wrong, how can you teach someone else that their way of life is wrong? How can you understand what it feels like to give up your world view? How can you understand what it is like to take on a new world view? How can you teach through the heart, rather than the ego? How can you lead with love, rather than blame?

I believe walking in someone else’ shoes is one of the most powerful things you can do to understand that person and by understanding them and respecting them as a human being, rather than seeing them as a problem, you may, you just may have a chance of introducing them to a new way of life. You can tell a gang leader that gang wars are all wrong, but unless you were brought up in the midst of a gang war, how will you ever understand how that person felt seeing their siblings killed by the opposing gang whilst growing up? You can tell them all you like that killing is wrong and probably they know that too, but they reacted to a situation probably not feeling they had any other way to act. That there was no way out. And by you condemning their reaction as if it was their heart, you won’t get anywhere. Start learning to see the heart beyond their acts and maybe they will start listening to you. Imagine being ten years old and seeing your sister die. What would you do? Say killing is wrong, or pick up a gun to protect yourself?

The reason the Capulets fought the Montagues is because they felt the injustice of previous years. Because they could still remember how someone they loved had taken a blow in a fight, they weren’t willing to instigate peace. They could have peace any moment as they weren’t fighting over land. They could leave each other alone to live their desired lives, but they didn’t want to, because they remembered blood and wanted to take revenge.

If you are to move into a peaceful future you have to forgive the past and leave it in the past. If you are in a relationship with someone and every time you argue the other person brings up an injustice you did in the first year of the relationship, how would you feel? Or if someone rushed into your life and without explanation told you that the way you live is wrong and the way all your ancestors lived is wrong and there is a better way, without paying any kind of respect to your way of life, how would you feel? If someone ran in and robbed your family of their belongings and shot a few and a year later you were told the war is over, the borders are established, let’s forget about the past, how would you feel? It would be hard to teach your sons and daughters to love and respect them, wouldn’t it? But to continue to build peace, that’s exactly what you would have to do. Not respect their bad ways, of course, but respect the new way of peace. Their new way of peace.

Most people feel anger when crime is involved. Anger. Disgust. Sadness. The power lies in moving beyond that and teaching as many people as you can love and respect, so as to prevent the crimes of tomorrow. If we get stuck in the punishment mentality we will forever be like the Capulets and Montagues. You have to get criminals off the streets. Then you have to focus, instead of hatred towards them, love towards the world. It’s like with anything: you have to face the problem, then you have to focus on the solution. If you get stuck on the problem, you will just create more of the problem.

So what is the solution folks? How are we going to come together to stand up for peace, love, understanding and through that understanding respect? How are we going to foster this? What will we talk about with our friends and lovers? What will we tell our children? What will we do to make this world a better place? What will we do to remember the Mandelas and the Gandhis out there? Last night I fell asleep praying for a new Mandela. A person who did not condemn the past but created a brighter tomorrow. A person who didn’t shoot their persecutors, but who taught them love. A person who created true change.

Let’s come together like lovers – let’s kiss each others’ wounds better and heal each other with love and care. Let’s foster trust through our kind actions and willingness to help, rather than condemn. Let’s stand up for love. Let’s stand up for the human in all of us.

Without high heels I’m all naked…

I had one of those moments of hilarity when I was standing in the kitchen the other morning describing some hot guy to my flatmate. In the midst of my steaming description I looked down into my steaming chocolate that I was whipping up and saw…well, I saw a pair of hands with flaking red nail polish, a light blue thermal underwear sweater, a pair of old black sweatpants and a pair of funky silver shoes… And although I couldn’t see it right then I had previously caught glimpse of myself in the mirror and seen my morning flattened hair and old glasses, which was a less pleasing sight. I could just imagine meeting any hot dude in that moment! It would be a great cute-meet for Hollywood, mark my words, but that wouldn’t stop me from becoming absolutely horrified if a hot dude did indeed walk into the room at that very moment. Let’s face it – it’s the kind of outfit you don’t want to show anyone until about a month after the first meeting.

Yet, I often find that those that see you in sweatpants first somehow more easily fall for you. It’s that openness you have when you aren’t trying anything on. When you aren’t stumbling around on your stilettos trying to appear cool in a sea of women who are wearing too much make-up, have perfectly straightened, or curled hair and perfume that will reek five blocks down the road. Out of principle I only wear vanilla oil, but whereas some of the cheap or musty men’s aftershave and perfumes make me wanna throw up, some men’s perfumes still have an overpowering effect on my mind…and body. Muscles, smells and power still work us women like rabbits in front of a carrot at times. That self-assured man with swagger that walk into the room with a slight (I repeat: slight) waft of heavenly perfume. The way he looks at you. Takes control over you. Only to leave you angry, frustrated and with an intense wish to beat up the male race a week or two later…but of course, see it again and you trip over your stilettos and fall straight into another self-assured man’s arms…

Of course this rarely happens to me. I’m somewhat immune it seems. Control freak refusing to let loose. Only the men who have absolutely no problem of driving straight through roadblocks get anywhere near me. This is because I’m a roadblock. And men that drive into roadblocks don’t usually come with the intention of finding your heart. Or maybe some, but I just can’t stand the ones that do. I don’t have the strength to trust them. To lean on someone. To ever think I can rely on someone. I don’t have the strength to do that knowing life can rob me off it in a second, or the guy change his mind. I can deal with uncertainty. Certainty? That’s the one thing I can’t take. I’m afraid of what happens the day you come to count on something.

I realized this more so than ever in the last few weeks. Contemplating taking on mentoring the kids I now mentor – D, T&T (twins) – I went through the whole settling down thing and having others rely on me, because whether I’m here all the time, or on and off, I always have to be there for the kids in one way, or another.

Cities are kind of like relationships – at first you are overwhelmed. Beauty. New stuff. Excitement. Acquaintances. Then it sinks in and you have to make an effort to find something new. You make an effort to dig deeper, connect on another level. Make real friends. Create a sustainable life. One can live on kicks forever and have only acquaintances and flings, or one can get to terms with going deep. Opening one’s heart. Of becoming vulnerable. Come to count on something. When this happened in Cali I left. I didn’t feel ready to settle down. Now, here in Cape Town, I had a few overwhelming moments of panic thinking “This is it, I’m stuck here now.”

My family is very far away and suddenly when you contemplate having children in your life this seems very, very far away. My beloved France is very far away too. What if I actually get to release my book…in the UK? What if I meet a man overseas? What if I get a Hollywood contract? What if I tie myself to this city and then my life here does not turn out great? What if…

There will always be what ifs. You can never commit to anything knowing what will happen next. I want to have a home, a family and a business. At some point or other I will have to commit. Instead of changing businesses, I will have to work on one until it works. Instead of changing men I will have to work to find the one that will work with me on the relationship. Instead of changing cities I will have to stay in one I love and make my life work. And you know what I fear? I fear not making it work and if I make it work I fear coming to rely on it, becoming attached to it, only to see it being taken away from me.

I always made sure different things were in different cities, so I never needed to commit. When I lived in Paris, a place I loved, I wanted to go to university somewhere else, so I abruptly decided to leave as I feared becoming too attached. When I was in London I was trying to set up a life I would love in a city I hated. When I was in LA I had my biz partner, a great deal of friends and the guy I was in love with in London. I left LA thinking I was going to return to my friends and set up a business in London. That business and friends were more important than my love of LA. I was greatly mistaken. I could not breathe in London and every night I dreamt I was in my home in the Hills. Africa was last on my list of things I had to do. I had promised myself to move to Africa if business did not take off, as my grand plan was always to set up a boarding school for street kids (I had sworn to God when lost and petrified in Vancouver, age 17) and if I did not make money to do it, I had to volunteer my time to do it. Cape Town was a movie capital, they spoke English and there were hills and ocean, so a few years earlier I had decided that Cape Town it was gonna be and Cape Town it became.

I see no reason in leaving Cape Town – I haven’t yet got an established life here, I’ve faced my challenges in having no money and a car that has been away as much as I’ve had it, but I love what I do here. I love my home here. I love the kids I mentor. I love the city. I love the part of town I live in. I still have my family in Sweden, most of my friends in London and I still love LA and France, but I can go there. I don’t have to live there. This is my Africa, the Africa I always dreamed of. Here I see a future. A future I can have if I face myself and allow myself to create a life I love. I’m not saying I will never leave, I’m saying I’m making a decision for now to stay.

To create a life I love I have to accept that life changes and embrace that change instead of fear it. I will have to allow myself to create what I love without fearing I will lose it. I have to have my eyes always open and see the bigger picture, rather than being attached to everything that’s just around me. I have to learn to love myself so much I can open my heart to the world for them to love, or loathe it. I will have to stop being a roadblock. I will have to stop counting on my stilettos and start showing people my sweatpants. I would love to get a new pair. It’s always nice to look good. Especially in Eco-friendly clothing that serves the Earth also. It’s nice, but underneath that I’m still naked. I’m still me. This is me and I live in Cape Town, South Africa. I’m not passing by. I’m creating my dreams here. I’m opening my heart here. My life is here.

Buying French porn…

Yes, I did that once. Buying French porn that is… Now let me explain, when you are all alone in Paris you need a little distraction…no, no…actually I was all alone in Belgium, I had decided to backpack through Europe…in the midst of winter. Not surprisingly I was alone. I also happened to have made the decision that I was bringing no entertainment on this trip, so as to clear my head. Belgium in winter with no entertainment. Ya…

So what happened was that one fine day in one city, which one I have forgotten, I decided I had had enough of being without brain stimuli and company, so I walked into a bookshop. One of those second-hand bookshops where you never know what you will find. I found a cute little French book (or at least it was written in French) and so I decided to buy it. It was from 1890 or something like that, all about a school for girls.

I then got back to the youth hostel, or a cafe, I fail to remember which and decided to read the book. Something along the lines of smacking naughty girls on the bottom with hair brushes. (I’m sorry to disappoint you all, it was not exactly two women and a man with an over sized penis… You must be terribly disappointed if you thought this blog would be about that…)

Now I find my book buying escapade rather innocent and as you may know I’m not the kind who thinks porn is a sin. I believe there are more tasteful ways of displaying eroticism, but anyway. So for me this is no sin, but to some it probably would be. Like the pope or something. Yet, I didn’t pick that book being aware of what was inside it. So if you thought porn was a terrible sin (especially the hairbrush spanking…) would you judge me for it?

For a fact we are all born into different places in this world. Different things happen to us when we are children, which often determine our world view and what we end up creating in life. Some people commit terrible mistakes as a result of that. They do things most of us would judge as sinful and downright nasty (I’m not talking about watching porn if you haven’t gathered that by now). It may then be that one day they wake up to the fact that what they have done harms others, themselves, or the planet and they regret it. They regret it because they see there are other ways of life that don’t do harm.

As people we change. Most of us because we discover something beyond what we knew before. Yet, we still have to live with our past actions, even though we have changed we can’t change the past.

Someone here in South Africa told me that Mandela stole some food or something in his youth and because of that they had mixed feelings about him. Now I don’t know much about that man beyond Invictus, but if someone spends that many years in jail and then go onto abolishing apartheid whilst trying to prevent the black turning racist against the white…would you still judge him for the mistakes he made in his youth? No, neither time, nor his other pursuits will make it up to the people he stole from, they won’t get their things back, but still – is the Mandela today to blame for what the Mandela seventy years back?

Sometimes I’m more ashamed of where I came from, than proud of where I got to. Can you recognize yourself in this at all? I never did terrible things, my “sin” was being petrified of people, not having self-confidence and generally disliking myself. I wasn’t happy, I was psychologically messed up and I’ve been really depressed twice. I never feel totally comfortable talking about that though, because I believe people will judge me for it. And I don’t want to be judged for it – I want to be seen for who I am today. On the other hand I truly want to share it as I hope that it might help others realize change is possible. Self-love and acceptance is possible.

I was given my childhood and safe to say I did not know how to interpret the world around me, or what happened to me back then. I drew conclusions that messed me up. I was unhappy. Very unhappy. I acted from that place of unhappiness and created even more unhappiness. But if you want to judge me for that, it’s kind of like judging me for buying porno in Belgium – I had no clue of what I was doing, I bought into something I did not understand. (I wish I had gotten hold of something raunchier at that time…but anyway…) I didn’t commit crimes though and most people would probably only judge me for being miserable and potentially pity me, but what if I had been born into something else? Like poverty and power greedy people around me? Who would I be today?

It’s my belief that we are all hearts. The rest is the topping – both the good and the bad (ego go go). We can shed the topping though, even if scars remain. It can be a bit rough for the ego though, as if you realize the bad isn’t you, maybe what you are proud of isn’t you either. Maybe we are all just hearts…

I don’t know if you can undo criminals – some minds have gone far, far away from their hearts and may be impossible to reconnect. And you have to reconnect with your heart if you are to live a happy life where you serve yourself, others and the planet. I believe you can try though. I believe in “thou mayest” as Steinbeck put it. I believe we have choice. If we are shown so. And that’s why I’m in Africa right now with The Wandering Tales. I believe Africa has a choice.

Choose…choose what’s underneath the clothes…that naked liberation of the heart…

Naked, or covered in lace…

Sometimes it’s nice to get dressed up in fancy lingerie, isn’t it? Adds a bit of an extra sparkle…

I believe my clothes (…including the lace…), my home, my work and the people I surround myself are important – I see them as a natural extension of myself, so I love to create things that resonate with who I am, under the clothes as otherwise I will feel out of balance. The thing is though, who I am is underneath the clothes. The rest is just decoration and if I am lucky and have managed to live in accordance with my heart, the decoration does indeed represent me and I feel at peace. Right now, even though I still miss L.A. I feel so lucky having found a home I love in a city that’s absolutely filled with natural beauty and where I work with charity and film. I feel at peace once again being surrounded by things that reflect who I am, rather than being stuck in London with a life that did not reflect who I was and was making me miserable. My life here could be taken away from me tomorrow though.

Life is who you are, the rest is decoration and decoration comes and goes.

Looking around me here in South Africa there are a lot of people who can’t afford lace. One of our clients at CARES is a woman who lost her children to social security years ago thanks to drug misuse. She joined CARES and became clean, now helping others to do the same, working for CARES. She got her children back and had two more – twins. I was playing with the twins the other day and asked if I could bring one with me home and keep it, as it was so cute, before realizing that wasn’t a good joke. She answered quite happily thankfully though that she was keeping them both. Now, over the holidays her home in the township burnt to the ground. She and her family – homeless. And that’s when I think everything else fades away. All the lace is gone and left is a human with a heart and you are looking at her, equally naked, through your heart.

I’m a fan of lace – I believe it…spices things up. I think I brought more lingerie than I did clothes to Cape Town, but if anyone decides to love me for the lingerie…well then they love a piece of fabric anyone could wear. And lingerie comes and goes. We are all hit in the face sometimes with losing everything around us. We can still remain beautiful though. We can face life with the attitude we choose. Mourning and longing after a loss is natural, but how we move forward is up to us. If in our hearts we are filled with love I believe we can create beauty around us once more. There are always people out there willing to love and care, if you are willing to share your heart with love. Personally I miss the LA I lost, but love the Cape Town I found and am at peace as life is, once more, a reflection of who I am. In the same way we lose people we love and although no one will replace them, others will bring as much love. Life is filled with beauty.

If you want to help our client rebuild her future, or want to get involved in our other projects surrounding helping prevent drug abuse and rehabilitate people from it, as well as creating a future by helping with education and life skills, please contact us on our Facebook page:https://www.facebook.com/CaresSouthAfrica You can also watch videos of the client speaking about losing her home.

I challenge you to buy as raunchy lingerie as your imagination would love…but I also challenge you to view life through the heart and live as naked as you wish…

 

A beautiful life – loss, pain, guilt, hurt and…love…

I had this dream on the night of the 25th and I wrote it down as maybe it will touch your heart, as it touched mine.

I had a dream last night. I dreamt about mom. In the past twenty years that might have happened a total of five times that I can recollect.

When I came home last night and looked myself in the mirror I thought of how different me and my sister look. My sister is very pretty, but also a split mirror image of mom. The thought that crept into my mind is that my sister looks so much like mom, yet she’s more beautiful to my mind. She’s stunning, whereas in photos mom doesn’t look stunning. And this baffles me

After brushing my teeth and jumping in bed I fell asleep, but woke up this morning with a start. I dreamt I was at grandma’s (mom’s side), as I normally would on the 25th of December, my old relatives once again alive. My former step-mom was there and she fluctuated between nice and nasty, as was her habit. And in the middle of it all it was clear that mom was coming home. She had left, in my dream, fifteen years ago and was now coming back. I was angry with her. I was furious. I didn’t want her back. And in my dream I could see her face once more, see she was young and beautiful. Then I was taking care of gran who was becoming senile and then I woke up, startled, a wave of memories coming over me.

My first immediate source of pain was the thought of grandma turning senile – I already lost my other gran to senility and that was a painful journey, although it taught me a lot about love. About the love you feel for a person, which propels you to look after them even when they are not reachable, or you are taking them to the bathroom, because they no longer know how to go on their own. That’s how I want to be loved by my future husband. People are scared of getting old and ugly, but there is nothing ugly if there is love because love is in the heart. Not in wrinkles, or the ability to move with grace.

The second thought was that it was odd to dream about my old step-mom and at first I didn’t even want to think about that aspect of the dream. Both my gran and my mom might have stirred up heavy emotions, but I have a connection with them. With her…no. I don’t know how to describe her. She was the kind of person that would win people over when she first met them by being over the top friendly and ingratiating, but when the party was over she’d often be nasty. I hated her guts at the same time as I had some lingering hope that one day she would just love me and start being nice to me and my sister. Treat us like she did her own children, but this never happened – instead she continued to humiliate me in front of friends by treating me like garbage, yet at the same time trying to act as some kind of mother. This woman hugged me, drove me to school, arranged my birthday parties and ever so often even had a good chat with me and still no one I knew ever liked her. Underneath kind actions there was always the impression she was jealous of me and wanted to put me down.

When dad broke it off with her I was still in touch with her for a very short while, after all she had been my so-called family for about ten years, and I gave her a book about love for Christmas, as I hoped it would give her some hints. This misfired as she was overjoyed thinking I knew her so well and she was all about love. During that conversation with her I also learnt that she thought dad never cared about her, she was the loving one who was mistreated. And that’s when I realized just how lost she was and the kind of things she created in order to fulfill her own ideas about life. I had felt sorry for her for a long time, but then I truly got the extent of her inner pain – she had no sense of self-love, self-worth. And all her drama was simply a way of putting others down to make them feel like her, or provoke them to treat her badly.

Thinking about my step-mom has always come with guilt, because as much as I knew I should forgive her and use love to heal, I don’t like her. She ruined ten years of my family’s life. Having this dream I realized it’s OK – I don’t have to like her. All I have to do is love the little girl inside her heart, who somehow became heartbroken and created a life of misery for herself. When I’m detached from her, looking at her life from the outside I feel a lot of sympathy for her. She’s lived through hell and all thanks to her own creation.

Then there was mom. Mom was the big thing for me in that dream.

I was angry with mom when she died, because she never told me she loved me beforehand. She also refused hugging me the last time I saw her, as she was in pain, but she hugged my sister. I grew up looking for notes from mom saying she loved, some sort of proof…but I never found one.

After mom died I felt there was a gaping hole of pain inside of me from the loss, an emptiness that couldn’t be filled. At the same time I couldn’t remember mom being playful. She taught me everything and looked after me, but dad was the person I played with. I couldn’t remember her smiling. So I felt guilty for not feeling I had a true bond with her.

Out of principle I refused having anyone take mom’s place, but I desperately longed for a mother. I wanted mom back but at some point I realized I wanted a mother, more than I wanted my own mother, because I couldn’t remember her anymore. Yet, I felt that if someone ever tried being my mother it wouldn’t work, because I became too independent.

There was so much guilt and fear about not loving my mother, coupled with anger at her never having told me she loved me. At the same time there was the pain of loss and a strong fear of losing someone else I loved. I was longing to be more loved whilst simultaneously shutting out anyone who tried, whether from fear of them taking mom’s place, losing them, or thinking they were faking it as no one surely truly loved me. The emotions were all mixed up and I could never understand them.

The thing with the dream is it showed one side of those emotions – the anger of feeling abandoned, which then leads to feelings of guilt as surely mom couldn’t help going dying, nor being high on morphine and dazed by pain the last time she saw me. In the past I would have tried to sort it all out. What all those emotions meant, so that I could get rid of the guilt and the pain of loss. The truth is all my emotions came from different events and what I made up about them, so they were all real to me at the same time as none of them were ever real because had I known the absolute truth I would probably have felt a lot different. But it’s OK – I will always have the memory of the emotions I had and I don’t have to sort them out. Just like I don’t have to love my step-mom for how she treated me. There’s those emotions, but above and beyond them there’s love. 

We all have instant reactions to events, to people and we probably all have some emotional garbage from the past. It’s OK. You don’t have to sort it all out and solve it like a murder mystery. You can accept it and then just simply choose to live in love in the moment.

I can’t really explain it but that dream just made me come to terms with things. I can see I have had many emotions, thoughts and feelings around the different women in my life and the love I have wanted, lacked, received and feared to lose. I can see all that and acknowledge it, but I’m a woman now. My childhood is a memory. I can look upon it with love for what it taught me. It used to make me cringe badly, because there were messy events I was ashamed of and my own interpretation of reality that I was ashamed of. I was psychologically damaged for years. My self-worth was about as high as your average ant hill as opposed to Mount Everest. Or in other words: I didn’t feel good inside and I was ashamed of my own depression. I’ve let myself and others walk all over me in more ways than one. But it’s gone. Over. I feel love inside of myself now. I feel like in the last few weeks I’ve risen above whom I used to be. I feel like I’ve grown up. But the memory of childhood and what I went through as a consequence of it makes me feel a lot of sympathy towards others. I can understand where the mind can take you. I work with rehabilitating people because I believe it’s possible. I don’t think the shame, or pain of your past should have to dictate your future. 

Life happens and we respond to it before we learn to raise above it and pave out our own chosen path. It’s taken me 30 years to be anywhere close to that and on a bad day I will still feel ashamed of myself, depressed and lonely, but I can accept myself and love myself for that today. I never have before – I would just pretend to be cool about it all and feel terribly ashamed if anyone sense I was feeling down, or insecure (as feeling down, or being insecure was a proof of failure – I hadn’t made myself confident and happy yet). And I’m proud of myself. I’ve come a long, long way. I want to share that in metaphors and stories, to show that even if you were born in a cold, dark place and learnt to see life as grim and harsh, there’s a different reality. You can’t avoid pain in life. It will happen. But it’s not the only thing that will happen. And there are choices you can make that will make your life brighter and more beautiful. 

It’s like this: in London I lived a miserable reality as I was in a place I disliked, doing something I disliked. Now I live in a place I love, doing a lot more of what I love. I will still suffer loss and pain, but there will always be more love to come. You will heal and move on towards more love. That’s what I call a beautiful life.  

Every day is a chance to start all over and with a little love it’s possible…

 

Smack that booty!!…

I’m sure I deserve to be spanked sometimes, don’t you think? I mean I can be a bad girl. A bad, bad girl. My most prominent flaw is probably that I’m good. Making me bad. Because bad boys like bad girls right? And I like the bad boys. Maybe that’s why I should get spanked?

A man should always come with chocolate – that way you know he will be satisfactory, whether he lives up to your fantasies, or not. A woman should always have an ample supply of either chocolate, or men. I’ve been on a chocolate diet, with temporary breaks for years. No wonder I’m so friggin skinny.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, don’t you? There are things I look back at and think “How could I?” (especially those chocolate breaks when I was preoccupied by indulging in men). And then there’s my constant inner debate of where I should live. I do want to be where I am now, the beauty of this place leaves me speechless, I just haven’t yet figured out how to live without France and Cali yet. I might never figure that out. I just have to get rich. Haven’t really figured that out either though. And then there’s the whole career thing – will I ever figure out a way to do what I really love and make all my money from that? Oh and the men. Let’s go back to the men. I’m perpetually frustrated. I don’t even know what that means, but I do know chocolate way too well. So…so I had an epiphany!! Ready? I’m confused!

I have been confused for most of my life because I think a lot. A lot. A lot. And I think about things that aren’t necessarily beneficial to think about. I truly know what I want deep down inside, but I think so much I never focus and get started, always deliberating where is the best place to begin and if I’m actually sane wanting what I want. Why think about problems instead of simply indulging in what you love? It’s because I grew up that way – I became my own most severe critic. I constantly watch myself, waiting to detect another flaw I can sort out (and in the meantime apologize for), instead of going with what I love and putting all my attention there. So I decided I want to create something new. Starting with this blog. From now on, for a limited period of time, I’m going to be blogging about other things than my so-called problems and how to so-call fix them. I am fixed, because my heart is whole, I just need to live my heart. So I am going to be blogging from my heart. About whatever takes my fancy.

Forbidden things: anything negative about myself, or my life. That’s the rule. No problems, no talk about habits I want to give up on, no flaws, no dilemmas and no memories of delusional love affairs with illusionary men (they were illusions as I don’t think I’ve been in love with anyone, since my ex, who was actually a good enough friend to be there for me – what’s a love affair if a man doesn’t care enough to show up for you?).

I can still be aware of things that aren’t great, in fact I see that as a very positive thing, but I want to focus my attention on where I am going, not from whence I came. I want to focus on being the pride and joy in my own life and honoring myself as a person. It’s humbling to look upon yourself with the eyes of a lover. It makes me cringe badly, but that’s only because I wasn’t brought up loving myself. I saw loving myself as a petty crime – I wanted to be harsh, to constantly grow and improve myself – discipline mate! Now I just lovingly want to bring out the best in me.

Ladies and gents – I’m giving up the whips and chains until further notice and settling for chocolate instead. I’m going to cover myself from top to toe. Hopefully this will make me discover my own self-worth, my delicious heart and give myself the ability to stride forward purposefully, knowing my own heart. If anyone smacks my bottom it better come with chocolate and roses.

Undressing for Christmas…

I’d like to think about this blog as undressed…naked. Sometimes I overrate myself though and realize I haven’t managed more than stripping down to my lingerie. But as most people on a daily basis don’t get that far with me you can consider yourself blessed, or mortified. It’s the naked truth, whether it makes you giggle with delight, or run for cover.

I was asking on Facebook what people want for Christmas, given I wrote a naughty letter to Santa some years back on here and it’s still getting a lot of traffic from Google. Someone wanted less problems, whereas I would prefer better problems. Like figuring out how to undress a man in fifty different ways. Now hello Christmas gift!

Speaking of Christmas gifts…do you always give yourself the gift of a life you love? When I came to South Africa I was really, really stressed as I knew I had to be out of the guesthouse I was staying at within a week, I had seen one post in two weeks on Gumtree for rooms to rent in Hout Bay and I had my things stolen. Plus, PLUS I didn’t have a car and so I couldn’t even get to the places if there were any to see without taking a cab or begging people for rides. I happen to be Miss Independent and felt lost in space not knowing my way around and being able to go where I wanted to go and lead my life sort of thing. So when someone posted a room on Gumtree I immediately went to see it. I had a feeling I would never like it there, although it was a massive, lovely house, great garden and so on, but it just wasn’t me and the owner smoked and kept smelly dog food in the kitchen. Everyone else told me it was a catch though and I said yes.

This weekend I went with a friend to do a four-hour Kundalini yoga class just up the road from where I am. I cannot describe this place to you. It was paradise. And I felt at peace. Something I did not do at home. This place was “so me” whereas home was “so not me.” So I thought I better find a new place.

There had been a new ad on Gumtree for a couple of days for another room, but it was more expensive than I wanted to pay. However, came Monday morning I had a fit about the dog food and decided to call the guy and go see the place.

Before I came to Cape Town I did an intuitive exercise to find my “Land of Plenty” in it I saw myself living in the hills outside of Cape Town in a natural home. When I went to see this place I was rather shocked because it was a natural home in the hills outside of Cape Town. Now, it’s not exactly what I saw in my mind’s eye, because that was a hobbit house and another one next to it, but this place rang true to me. It is part of something I love, something which resonates with me. I’m a tad scared of getting allergic to the dogs, but the house itself is like a dream. My dream.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I do make these hasty decisions…I go with things that are alright, but feels wrong because I feel internal stress about something. I want to live a life I love – I want to be comfortable in my own skin and then I have to start choosing what resonates with me. I have to follow my heart to create a life I love.

Unwrap your heart, unwrap the boys and girls that you love (or THE one boy, or girl you love) and follow your heart to where it takes you…

P.S. Please Santa. Seriously. I’ve been a very good girl. Very, very good. Can you send someone for me to unwrap? Pretty please.