You want the striptease...you do yer homework...
Slightly on the rough side. Northern accents.
Woman: When are you going to get it into yer ‘ead that I need more than cock to go round?
Man: But…
W: But what? Look at yer car out there. You ‘ave spent five hours today polishing it. You change the oil. You take it to service check ups. You buy special things for the engine to make it run better. You do every darn thing in the book to make it run like a, like a….whatever.
M: Yes, but it’s a car. It needs that.
W: Well, if you haven’t figured it yet, a woman needs oil too, meaning chocolate and roses, or whatever flowers you manage to knick in someone’s garden. Regular need of change of oil, you know. Then as petrol we need a lot of love, cuddles and compliments – that’s what we run on. And the extra engine things are nights out where you dress up for us and we get special care and attention, or nights at home where YOU pour the bath, make some tea, or dinner and bring ‘ome a bottle of bubbly. TLC. Look it up in a dictionary.
(Lights fag.)
And whilst I’m at it: when the car breaks down, you don’t just panic about it and run off without a word, only to appear a week later saying you needed time to think it over. You stop what yer doing and get your toolkit out. You give it some attention, now don’t ya? Look to see what’s wrong and how you can fix it. And if you need time to think it over to come up with a solution, you first promise that you will be back to fix it. You don’t just leave it standing there on the road like a fool.
Now if you can ‘andle all that we run well, real well. You get extras, like stripteases and dirty text messages at work. We may even show up with nothing on under our coat. Buy sex toys for you. But if you keep just fucking us like bunnies, we run dry. Out of oil you see.
M: Yes.
W: Good. And one more thing. You may like the new model sportscar, but the old one you have’s got style. Value. It’s a classic. So stop honking your horn at the younger models. You wouldn’t buy them anyway, so no point in looking.
M: Yes.
W: Now, if you want some pie tonight after the steak, you better bring me some roses. Or you won’t get a steak either come to think of it – you can buy a stir fry at the Chinese place. They take cash, not compliments as payment, so you may be more capable of providing that.
I’m a damn fool for loving you, but I do, so I ‘ope this lesson gave ye some ideas. If not I will have to leave you, because I am more important than a damn car.
I’m off to have me ‘air done. And if you don’t appreciate it – someone else will.
M: See you..see you tonight then. I, I look forward to your err, haircut.
One of the first sketches for the Two Naked Blondes & Co. Stage Play.
