Behind each negative pattern, is a frightened child...
I don’t know about you, but it was a while since I lost my virginity….and then there were a few other things… Have you ever sinned? Have you ever cheated on anyone? Stolen something? Beaten someone? Wanted to commit suicide? Let someone down? Been a drug addict? Had abusive relationships? Been a tad anorexic? Had sex with half the world, by accident rather than by design? Then, you’ve probably seen some darkness.
Most people fear the dark, because it’s not pleasant not knowing what’s going on around you. When you “sin” you are in the dark, because you have no fucking clue of why you can’t stop yourself from doing what you are doing. You don’t want to do it, yet your desire to do it is stronger than your want not to.
Why we do “bad” things is individual. Some people were molested as children, have a guilt complex around sex and end up having “guilty” sex. They dislike themselves for it and to prove their own dislike, their own self-hatred true, they keep repeating it. They buy into the idea that that’s who they are, whereas really, that’s a learned behavior, a learned pattern – a set of emotions that get triggered and then acted out. Nothing to do with their heart, if in their heart they disagree.
For many people the idea that you can’t stop yourself from having sex with someone is absurd, yet they can’t stop themselves from something as simple as eating a chocolate bar. Of course, the chocolate bar appears more normal than having sex with people you don’t want to have sex with, unless your weight skyrockets to the point where it isn’t healthy at all. Yet, the person who frowns upon the yes sayers to sex may take into account that the reason they are eating a chocolate bar came from some mild habit, whereas the person that can’t say no to sex may have been under much greater formative influences, such as rape.
Whatever made you end up in a negative circle of “sins” was probably not your choice. I doubt you chose to be molested, have an abusive parent or a parent who wasn’t a good role model, making you think you were doomed to one day become like them, told you were worthless, get bullied, or beaten. I doubt you made a conscious decision to become a wife beater, or a drug addict, but you bought into the ideas the “mirror” (people and events) in your past showed you. And once it happens, once you take too many drugs, hit your girlfriend, obsessively steal other people’s belongings, eat till you are about to burst, or allow yourself to have sex with people you don’t like, you think that’s you, even if you don’t really feel comfortable about it. Well, good news is – if you feel uncomfortable about it, it isn’t you. You are just under a spell where you can’t say no to doing whatever it is you are doing. You do have a choice though – it just takes practice, determination and potentially help to hold you accountable. Listen to your heart – what is it telling you? Follow that voice. And if you can’t make yourself follow it – find someone who can help you do that.
Habits can be hard to detect at times. Sometimes there’s just some discomfort at the back of our mind, or a feeling in our gut, but we don’t stop to listen as life is happening and what we see in front of us gets our attention. Besides, we get used to ourselves – if you are used to feeling fearful before a date, you probably don’t even notice it anymore because it’s circumstance. It’s normal to you, so you don’t question it. Still, there’s nothing normal about being fearful for a date. A bit nervous, yes, but fearful – no. Why would you be fearful? Probably because you fear other’s opinions of you, not trusting that your own opinion should out rule theirs and that your opinion should be that you are nice. You love yourself. If that’s your opinion, you will act from that place, so you will be nice and loving. The thing is – if you are scared of people, your perceived idea about them is negative and that’s the place you are acting from, even if your heart disagrees.
I’ve had negative patterns with people, with food, with men, with health, with depression, with hurt, with love…I mean we all do – we all have patterns, whether good or bad. To me some of my negative patterns were so pronounced that I had to stop, I had to do something about it. I was messed up from my childhood. Yet, as I always say – thanks to the immense pain I went through, I woke up. Some people never do, because the pain never reaches that level, but I decided to change. I didn’t feel like I was a gray mouse in the corner who hated myself and wanted to destroy myself. I felt like I was a playful, naughty little thing with a sense of humor and a huge love of life and love. So I decided to become that woman. I had to set myself free. One thinking pattern at a time. And doing so I discovered thinking patterns I didn’t even know I had – I acted them out all the time, but I wasn’t thinking about what I was thinking about to make me behave like I did. Only when I stopped to listen did I realize what thoughts caused my behavior, where they came from and that they weren’t real. There was a me before that behavior ever started. A me that never agreed with those thoughts, those behaviors. A me that hadn’t yet interpreted events to color my view of myself.
If we love ourselves it will become impossible to hurt ourselves and therefore others. I have never met a person who hurt others unless because they were hurting. Ever. When you love yourself, even if people provoke you, you won’t get mad. You won’t resort to anger, to hurting others. You know they are deluded. You don’t have to suffer because of it.
People are quick to judge others on their patterns, after all, it takes time to get someone to open up and share their heart. And even if they do, they may not be ready to give up their learned behaviors. Their self love may not have reached those levels.
People have sometimes pointed out to me that someone has issues and usually they are right – most people have issues. Some more visible than others. Some more harmful to other people than others. You can still love those people though, of course you can. If you have seen more than their issues, if you have glimpsed their soul, you probably do love them. And if they love you, they won’t want to hurt you, but they may still do. For example, I believe, unlike some women, a man can love one woman and have sex with the entire world, still loving just one woman, but as he doesn’t love himself enough to respect himself, as he thinks he is bad, he acts badly towards her, he fulfills his prophecy, she is hurt, gets angry, kicks him out and all is the same as it always was – he thinks he’s bad, she thinks men can’t be trusted. (Then there is the idea that love is for all and we should all have open relationships allowing ourselves to love whomever we want. That’s another scenario.)
I don’t recommend you get involved with a cheater unless you are OK with open relationships, until the cheater has become a non-cheater. Nor do I recommend you withdraw your love from them just because they are a cheater. Love them. Just don’t put yourself in a position where you will feel abused. And the same goes for everyone who is involved in any way with someone who is, as yet, helpless to their negative behavior patterns.
The good thing about sinners is that they have seen the darkness and therefore, hopefully, have an extreme wish to see the light. They will see it more clearly and with more appreciation than those that have never seen the dark. And those that live in the gray zones may never question them, because it never gets to the point of do or die. Those that hit the darkness know. They know it’s do or die, because the pain, the guilt, the sadness, or whatever it is, becomes unbearable. They have to do something about it. Some sadly don’t have the tools, the support, or the love to do so though. They fail.
I hope in this life that I will never again abuse myself so much that I allow myself to put myself in a situation where I abuse others, or feel abused by others. I hope I will be strong. When my own “self-hatred” slips in, I hope that I remember love and rather than feeding my self-hatred by self-sabotage, or hurting others/putting myself in a situation where I allow others to hurt me, I will choose the love and act from that place.
What’s more, I hope that in this life I will never give up on loving sinners. I believe that somewhere in there is a heart. A heart that may even love you.
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Writing down all my dirty fantasies. I mean I’m sure Matt Damon had to take care of a lot of mud in that zoo…. 
) and makes me laugh!!! Doesn’t get much better than that.
