Sexology class in school…

Ever had to sit through your teacher rambling on about sex? Isn’t it a joy to behold? In Sweden sex isn’t a very taboo subject, so the teachers talked rather freely I suppose (I have a somewhat vivid memory of my teacher explaining what to do if your tampon lost its string and you needed to get it out with your fingers), but how many of you felt your teacher to be this radiant warm person that you loved getting advice from? Did you want to go to them and ask questions about your own sexuality? Or take their advice on life?

As far as I recall, most teachers had enough problems keeping the students engaged in any one topic to win the respect and confidence of any one of us. When I was around 12 and my dad brought up the topic that I disliked school because I was being teased, or shall we say verbally bullied, my teacher retorted that some women developed faster than others and were more interested in boys. These were the cool girls and included her own daughter. As far as I know I was as interested in boys and had as much trouble with my period and aching breasts as anyone else. I just wasn’t cool, because I had no self-confidence and was way too kind to most people.

In almost all indigenous cultures there appear to have been teachings, tests and celebrations around becoming a man, or a woman. It seems to me the children were taught “wisdom” from an early age. In western society this does not appear to be taught in school. I wonder if it will ever come back? Will teachers be taught wisdom themselves that they then can pass onto their students? Will the general way of life go back to being in tune with nature and celebrating our own bodies and minds? Will we learn to differentiate between love and lust? Will we be taught confidence from aligning our natural abilities? Will we celebrate reaching womanhood and manhood and be taught the wonder of both? Will we go back to working as a “tribe” rather than putting each other down and competing to be the sole heir on the throne? And if we wish for this, what can we all do to contribute to a society that promotes it?

I’m still thankful for school, I mean I did learn that 1+1=1 but becomes 3…unless you use a condom, of course…

Sexual exploration…and the exploration of the heart…

If you ever decide to live in Los Angeles, or San Francisco, especially San Francisco, you will learn all about sexual liberation if you are so inclined. I was never quite inclined to attend the 24 hour orgasm workshops, but my friends described in detail what it is like to sit and stimulate a partner (whom you may never have met before) by erm rubbing certain parts of her private parts whilst simultaneously telling her what you are doing. Sounds fabulous. Alone, in the bedroom with my man.

I’ve been invited to tantra orgies too, but somehow I’ve found myself declining the invitations, as at the time my heart wasn’t in it. So I was quite happy to skip those tantra parties. My ego on the other hand thinks I missed out big time – clearly the more experience you have in any area and the wilder you live, the better it is! Especially if you were a grey little frightened mouse as a child, your ego thinks doing everything that’s the opposite of that is a GREAT idea. Even if your heart is not so inclined and my heart, in between dating sexually insane men, prefers sainthood.

So actually my point about this wasn’t sex (hard to believe, isn’t it?)…my point was the gangbangs…metaphorically speaking.

I was on the phone, or skype rather, with my woman in Cape Town. That is to say the woman who is heading up the organisation I will be working for out there. She was telling me about all the meetings we will be having, what we will be doing and so on and it sounded so fabulous I was about to fall off my chair with excitement. She also mentioned a meeting she had already set up with someone who sounded like a hot stud and sort of indicated there are more of those around.

So basically I got this idea in my head of all the fabulously hot, impressive men I would be meeting in Cape Town and my ego went “Yessssssssss” and then my heart went…”Hang on!”

I really have no interest in dating a gazillion guys. Still, my ego went “tjohhooo I will meet all these impressive men.” So why? I mean, it’s all nice to have prospect and all that, but the real reason my brain does this is because it’s frightened. It’s frightened to be  with one guy without a sense of a backup plan, because it’s really, really scared that guy will leave. It also thinks logically you need to meet three hundred men because statistically that’s better…but really if you stay true to your heart, that one man appears. Your heart will lead you there if you only listen. My brain also thinks by having 300 men in the line-up that one guy will find you more attractive and be more scared to lose you. Oh, and finally it thinks that all those 300 men have something delicious about them, so that means you can’t settle for that one guy as maybe, maybe you are making a mistake. Yet, if you don’t invest your all in that one guy, that amazing thing will never come to be because it can’t. You have to give your all to create something amazing.

So what does my heart have to say? My heart thinks my brain is ridiculous. My heart is looking for true connection with another heart. It doesn’t matter that the other heart is not in a person that has the entire world’s attractive traits in them, or is the most successful man on the planet, as it knows no such man exists. Nor is it scared of heartbreak and loving freely as it would never choose to be involved where there was no love. And it most definitively does not think it has to be a wild bad girl to be loved. What my heart would love is simply to be with that one heart and thanks to the extraordinary connection between the hearts create something incredible. I mean Jesus, imagine the sex you could have with a man you are that connected with if you just continue to explore heart to heart, instead of ego to ego.

The point with all this babbling, is that our ego will always tell us we need everything. We should do everything. We should conquer the world. We should follow strategies and tactics to get what we want. And it will never be satisfied. 300 men and counting.

Our heart on the other hand will only tell us to do what the heart loves. Instead of a million different voices, offering a million different strategies, it will just simply offer one. It will tell you what you love and to follow a path that allows you to live that love. That easy.

I would love one man. One delicious heart which I would serve with love and truth. And anything less than a man who does the same for me just won’t please me. I want to be in an intimate space of love. That’s what my heart would love.

Whether you are contemplating sexual exploration (and I’m totally not against such…), or marriage, or a new job…let your heart choose.  I truly feel like “this girl is on fire”…because for the first time my heart is steering the ship. Occasional interruptions by the autopilot (ego), but overall…I’m on fire

The divine sexlife…

A bit of a pretentious headline mayhaps? But then again I guess I always saw the divine and everything else as one, or at least the possibility to experience the divine as part of life on Earth. Follow the divine in your heart and miracles will follow. That’s how I feel about it.

I also believe that the carnal enables the divine, rather than the opposite way around, if and only if, you are driven by love. We have been blessed by five very physical senses and those enable us to feel the pleasure of life on a carnal plane. I believe that’s divine.

If, on the other hand, carnal desires rule you, they will destroy your pleasure because it will be filled with guilt. If I eat chocolate because I love it, I will eat just enough to feel satisfied. If I eat it to suppress something else, I won’t enjoy it as something else is bugging me and the likelihood is that I will overeat and feel guilt as it isn’t serving my body, my temple on Earth. If I want sex and just sex it’s like having sex with only five of a hundred emotions possible, whereas if you look for the divine in sex and the person you are with, if there is love, so for a stranger, that’s very, very different. If you see the divine within it I mean.

Most of us are quite numb to love and the divine as we are busy surviving, our focus entirely on the plane of the carnal. Society teaches us a path that is often very harsh, very numbing. Life seems hard, unfair and very frightening. Moving forward together in love and light…well that sounds like a hippie phrase, not based in reality. Co-operation across the globe for a better tomorrow seems far fledged when people debate the size of cucumbers allowed across borders and shoot others because 2000 years ago there was a division of the land. People are brought up with a mentality that doesn’t necessarily focus on worshipping the divine in life and each other.

I came across this article today, which inspired this post. I didn’t really come across it. It was more like shoved in my face by my best friend. It’s about worshipping the divine in women, the feminine. Although you probably all know by now that I can’t stand the talk that the feminine is superior to the masculine, as we all have superior qualities and balance between the two is my personal theory of superiority (yin and yang), I do love this article. It’s a bit long and winding, but it has a few points, the main being that within a woman there is the sacred feminine. in her core. For a man to reach there, there are a few gates he has to pass through. He has to have the patience and the willingness to get there. In the same way I believe there is a way to the masculine divinity within a man.

I also believe the article touches upon another great point, namely that in each thing, each being, there is a teacher, or a source of wisdom, if you are only willing to learn. A tree will speak to me if I study it, as will a man. And I don’t mean speak in words, but by observing we will learn. We will learn what makes a tree strong. We will learn what makes a man strong. In the same way we will learn what will break a tree and what will break a man. Sometimes it’s good to be like the tree, sometimes it’s good to be like the man. And maybe, just maybe, if you listen to your own heart it will tell you the same tales through your sixth sense if you are open and loving. I believe love protects you and guides you.

To have the patience to enter the divine in each being, in each thing, is a blessing. It’s a blessing because you will discover a world of beauty and magic. It takes a lot of patience though. A lot of silent belief in each and everything. Personally, whether I am trying to get to know a dog, a child, or a man I just sit down and wait. I put myself in a state of calm and openness and I wait. Sooner or later most animals and humans sense the calm and they open up in a positive way. Sometimes this leads to telepathy as well as you become open to their feelings and thoughts, for better or worse you become a channel through which their energy passes.

Who a person is in their heart, unless they are very attuned with themselves and open, is not who they will act out at all times. This is why it takes time to get to the divine of a person – ideally it would be seen easily by all, because everyone would be living it.

And divine sex….uhm…welll, I think it is heart to heart, soul to soul, feeling love and compassion in your heart whilst making love. All gates open whilst making love and appreciating the sex and the feelings it brings to your body and to your partner. To feel thankful for the divine in the carnal.

 

 

The Vagina take-over…

Warning: extremely sexual content. A lot of piss-takes too. I may have gone on a rant. Sense of humor needed to read.

Hold your breaths guys – the vagina take-over is here. You must have heard about it? It’s been whispered about for generations and now it is finally in full bloom….and I find it blooming ridiculous.

I like cocks. Vaginas too. The two combined all the better. If we are to refrain from sexy metaphors: yin and yang baby. I think it was discovered thousands of years ago. It didn’t stop them from repressing women though, which really meant they were suppressing their own theory. And then there was Mao and then things really went tits up (they needed more tits, let’s face it…). Some countries are still behind when it comes to equal rights. Equal opportunties. That’s not cool. Equal’s great. It’s when people talk about superiority and not superiority within one field (let’s face it: men have more muscles and women are more emotional), but overall superiority, I find it weird.

If you think about it: no woman is a woman without a man and no man a man without a woman. And in that I believe lies an ancient truth. Together we create life. It is when we are in balance with one another that magic is created.

In general in life it is when our energies are out of balance that trouble is created. When we are unaligned with our own energies we are out of whack. When one power tries to outrule another there is conflict. And sometimes we abuse our power. Don’t tell me you can’t manipulate men with sex – you can. And those men that haven’t learnt to control themselves…they fall foul for their own want of female energy (sex). In cities like Los Angeles there is plenty of proof of men getting ass and no happiness. They can’t hear their own heart for all the shagging.

As a woman I’m no better than most men – I have been floored (quite literally) by male force several times. As I need an incredibly high dose, it’s not so easy to floor me, but when I get floored, I get floored. I tend to date A type personalities that have enough energy to floor half the world and usually do too. And that’s my weakness. I didn’t always listen to my heart. Not until this year did I start listening to my heart. And oh boy was that different. I value heart connections over getting floored these days…but I’d like to get floored by my heart connections…

It’s the same as a need for power – people chase material power (a very male energy) because it’s a strong force, just like sexual energy is a strong force, but as with so many strong forces it’s often mis-used and abused. Balance is what is needed. You can find your own inner power, as well as your masculinity or femininity (and remember: one always contains a drop of the other) – that is huge, but that comes from being in tune, not by trying to overtake someone (basically: not from ego). And when you turn all your male or female charm on someone, that’s by design. You aren’t using your power on everyone, only the one person your heart belongs to. In the same way you will use your own inner power for the greater good, not to conquer the world for the sake of power alone. Because you can. Most people get floored by power, in whatever form.

For years male energy ruled the world and that wasn’t too cool. Then came the female revolt and it seems it’s still happening, but as with so many other things they stroke back by trying to turn the cards in their favor: by becoming the leading force of the world (or in plain English: they want to prove they are now better than men, superior. Sometimes they try to do it by becoming men though, which gets even more confusing.). Now I don’t know about you, but it would scare me if women alone ruled the world. Too much nailpolish.

To me this battle between the sexes is becoming ridiculous. We are different. The beauty lies in learning to understand one another and co-creating a world which suits us all and to stop abusing our powers. You may be able to reach various positions by use of sexual energy alone, but I doubt you will be happy there. I doubt you will be happy abusing any kind of power. An overdose of anything can only go to create trouble. Balance is the key.

We need one another. And I doubt that you will tell your son or your daughter that one is superior to the other. Balderdash.

What can I say? Love-make it forward? That must be the ultimate balance between the energies right? Lovemaking. Not sex, but lovemaking. Yummy world baby, yummy indeed.

If this ever became the norm again it would be high time for a vagina revolution…

Manual erection…

A man gets an erection if you show up in a certain way or touch him in certain ways. In fact it’s quite easy to get a man hard. Usually you don’t even have to move a finger. Sometimes I imagine it’s hard though. Hard to be sexy.

At times we try real hard to be hard, but being hard is all about letting go isn’t it?  It’s about allowing your own strength to shine through, rather than creating a false suit of strength; an armor.

It’s the same as getting turned on – you don’t have to try to get turned on, you just have to relax your mind and allow it to ponder that which it naturally will get aroused by. Sex is in your genes. It’s not about forcing yourself to feel something, it’s about letting yourself feel something. And if  you don’t want to get turned on – it’s about letting it go, rather than fighting it, or supressing it, and thereby holding onto it. Let it pass through you rather than grip hold of you.

The same is true for falling in love – we try to fall in love or we try not to fall in love, we analyze, we panic, we want to be with one person and with every person, we have fears and thoughts and wants and needs bubbling around, we do this and we do that. Really, if you relax and allow yourself to feel that person, you will know. You just have to sit back and enjoy, surrender to the moment, to being. If you instead let your mind take control that’s where your focus will be and you will believe in your own thoughts, however biased and based on fiction. On the other hand, if you let go you will feel what’s going on. If it’s right, you will feel it. Your job is simply to let go of all the barriers within you that stop you from feeling what things are. All your perceived ideas, thoughts and emotions. Just be and the answer will come.

People used to ask me how I could do the plank for 9 minutes. It’s simple really. All you have to do is relax and let go. You think you would crumble, but really all your force is already in you. The harder you push, the more tired you will get and the sooner you will collapse. Besides, it’s a lot about the mind as well – as you let go your mind is free to travel elsewhere and may just forget the hardship of the body for the time being.

We all learn to bike, swim, run, draw, paint, read…but the ability was already inside us. And if you just push without feeling, you will not be clearheaded and strong when you learn to do what you already have the ability to do. Instead, you will cloud your mind, heart and, consequently, power.

You don’t move a finger to do something – you allow it to move. You have to give it the energy to move as well. The right kind of energy – if you push your are wasting energy. You have to open the gates and let it flow.

Many people are scared to let go – they think they will be more aggressive, over the top sexual, too loving, have no feelings at all…and so on and so forth. In truth, if you truly let go, you will reach your core. You will be you. You won’t do anything out of line, you will finally be in tune.

You are the most powerful when you use your innate power, your innate abilities. It’s about reaching your inner core. It’s about being your heart and soul. And believe me: you will turn people on. Without lifting a finger…but sometimes you just allow them to move…

Sexy

Why I love sinners…

Behind each negative pattern, is a frightened child...

I don’t know about you, but it was a while since I lost my virginity….and then there were a few other things… Have you ever sinned? Have you ever cheated on anyone? Stolen something? Beaten someone? Wanted to commit suicide? Let someone down? Been a drug addict? Had abusive relationships? Been a tad anorexic? Had sex with half the world, by accident rather than by design? Then, you’ve probably seen some darkness.

Most people fear the dark, because it’s not pleasant not knowing what’s going on around you. When you “sin” you are in the dark, because you have no fucking clue of why you can’t stop yourself from doing what you are doing. You don’t want to do it, yet your desire to do it is stronger than your want not to.

Why we do “bad” things is individual. Some people were molested as children, have a guilt complex around sex and end up having “guilty” sex. They dislike themselves for it and to prove their own dislike, their own self-hatred true, they keep repeating it. They buy into the idea that that’s who they are, whereas really, that’s a learned behavior, a learned pattern – a set of emotions that get triggered and then acted out. Nothing to do with their heart, if in their heart they disagree.

For many people the idea that you can’t stop yourself from having sex with someone is absurd, yet they can’t stop themselves from something as simple as eating a chocolate bar. Of course, the chocolate bar appears more normal than having sex with people you don’t want to have sex with, unless your weight skyrockets to the point where it isn’t healthy at all. Yet, the person who frowns upon the yes sayers to sex may take into account that the reason they are eating a chocolate bar came from some mild habit, whereas the person that can’t say no to sex may have been under much greater formative influences, such as rape.

Whatever made you end up in a negative circle of “sins” was probably not your choice. I doubt you chose to be molested, have an abusive parent or a parent who wasn’t a good role model, making you think you were doomed to one day become like them, told you were worthless, get bullied, or beaten. I doubt you made a conscious decision to become a wife beater, or a drug addict, but you bought into the ideas the “mirror” (people and events) in your past showed you. And once it happens, once you take too many drugs, hit your girlfriend, obsessively steal other people’s belongings, eat till you are about to burst, or allow yourself to have sex with people you don’t like, you think that’s you, even if you don’t really feel comfortable about it. Well, good news is – if you feel uncomfortable about it, it isn’t you. You are just under a spell where you can’t say no to doing whatever it is you are doing. You do have a choice though – it just takes practice, determination and potentially help to hold you accountable. Listen to your heart – what is it telling you? Follow that voice. And if you can’t make yourself follow it – find someone who can help you do that.

Habits can be hard to detect at times. Sometimes there’s just some discomfort at the back of our mind, or a feeling in our gut, but we don’t stop to listen as life is happening and what we see in front of us gets our attention. Besides, we get used to ourselves – if you are used to feeling fearful before a date, you probably don’t even notice it anymore because it’s circumstance. It’s normal to you, so you don’t question it. Still, there’s nothing normal about being fearful for a date. A bit nervous, yes, but fearful – no. Why would you be fearful? Probably because you fear other’s opinions of you, not trusting that your own opinion should out rule theirs and that your opinion should be that you are nice. You love yourself. If that’s your opinion, you will act from that place, so you will be nice and loving. The thing is – if you are scared of people, your perceived idea about them is negative and that’s the place you are acting from, even if your heart disagrees.

I’ve had negative patterns with people, with food, with men, with health, with depression, with hurt, with love…I mean we all do – we all have patterns, whether good or bad. To me some of my negative patterns were so pronounced that I had to stop, I had to do something about it. I was messed up from my childhood. Yet, as I always say – thanks to the immense pain I went through, I woke up. Some people never do, because the pain never reaches that level, but I decided to change. I didn’t feel like I was a gray mouse in the corner who hated myself and wanted to destroy myself. I felt like I was a playful, naughty little thing with a sense of humor and a huge love of life and love. So I decided to become that woman. I had to set myself free. One thinking pattern at a time. And doing so I discovered thinking patterns I didn’t even know I had – I acted them out all the time, but I wasn’t thinking about what I was thinking about to make me behave like I did. Only when I stopped to listen did I realize what thoughts caused my behavior, where they came from and that they weren’t real. There was a me before that behavior ever started. A me that never agreed with those thoughts, those behaviors. A me that hadn’t yet interpreted events to color my view of myself.

If we love ourselves it will become impossible to hurt ourselves and therefore others. I have never met a person who hurt others unless because they were hurting. Ever. When you love yourself, even if people provoke you, you won’t get mad. You won’t resort to anger, to hurting others. You know they are deluded. You don’t have to suffer because of it.

People are quick to judge others on their patterns, after all, it takes time to get someone to open up and share their heart. And even if they do, they may not be ready to give up their learned behaviors. Their self love may not have reached those levels.

People have sometimes pointed out to me that someone has issues and usually they are right – most people have issues. Some more visible than others. Some more harmful to other people than others. You can still love those people though, of course you can. If you have seen more than their issues, if you have glimpsed their soul, you probably do love them. And if they love you, they won’t want to hurt you, but they may still do. For example, I believe, unlike some women, a man can love one woman and have sex with the entire world, still loving just one woman, but as he doesn’t love himself enough to respect himself, as he thinks he is bad, he acts badly towards her, he fulfills his prophecy, she is hurt, gets angry, kicks him out and all is the same as it always was – he thinks he’s bad, she thinks men can’t be trusted. (Then there is the idea that love is for all and we should all have open relationships allowing ourselves to love whomever we want. That’s another scenario.)

I don’t recommend you get involved with a cheater unless you are OK with open relationships, until the cheater has become a non-cheater. Nor do I recommend you withdraw your love from them just because they are a cheater. Love them. Just don’t put yourself in a position where you will feel abused. And the same goes for everyone who is involved in any way with someone who is, as yet, helpless to their negative behavior patterns.

The good thing about sinners is that they have seen the darkness and therefore, hopefully, have an extreme wish to see the light. They will see it more clearly and with more appreciation than those that have never seen the dark. And those that live in the gray zones may never question them, because it never gets to the point of do or die. Those that hit the darkness know. They know it’s do or die, because the pain, the guilt, the sadness, or whatever it is, becomes unbearable. They have to do something about it. Some sadly don’t have the tools, the support, or the love to do so though. They fail.

I hope in this life that I will never again abuse myself so much that I allow myself to put myself in a situation where I abuse others, or feel abused by others. I hope I will be strong. When my own “self-hatred” slips in, I hope that I remember love and rather than feeding my self-hatred by self-sabotage, or hurting others/putting myself in a situation where I allow others to hurt me, I will choose the love and act from that place.

What’s more, I hope that in this life I will never give up on loving sinners. I believe that somewhere in there is a heart. A heart that may even love you.

Bondage did you say???

Where did my mind go off to again???

Alright guys, as I have been sick we will keep this simple sexy…I mean one needs to get sexed up after feeling like a rotten potato all day right? So when I think about sex sexy I think about Two Naked Men Blondes right now because we are discussing so many topics related to naked men sex and relationships…in fact we are digging deep every day to come up with new topics people would like to get turned on by find out about and discuss with us. If you then topple that off with me looking for headlines for this blog…well, it’s like my brain has been bondaged taped into constantly thinking about sex and love. Or maybe I should say handcuffed? Can you handcuff a brain? Well I saw some plumbing outside a house the other day in the rubbish heap but before I had a closer look I thought it was a dildo. I mean, talk about having gotten one’s brain cells all firing off in one department and one department only! I swear I was handcuffed into it somehow.

So yes, at Two Naked Blondes we have started filming our weekly discussion topics (and soon we will have naked blokes, sexperts and everyone else being filmed to give their opinion also…and what’s more it will be professional videos made by a crew…not just Em’s iPhone…ahem.) And to keep this post bloody simple and sexy, I decided to post our two first videos. I did have a bad hair day, but I am sure you will excuse me – I was just being me without a professional stylist and how many people keep one of those anyway?!

Both myself and Em felt this didn’t exactly cover all the yummy bits we love in relationships…so below is my first comment about it, but to join the discussion, or hear what others think, please go to our Two Naked Blondes & Co. Facebook Page

I talk about support in the video…and minus doing the dishes…ahem…well, to me love is the wish that another person will reach whatever it is that is in their heart; their true potential if you so like, and live every moment as the happiest they can be. Therefore to have someone who loves you is an incredible support and being able to love someone like that and take part of their journey a true blessing.

As for sharing life, as I am also on about in the video…I believe attraction to a person springs from resonance and if the attraction is there because your hearts and minds resonate (ie not just the negative thinking patterns, beliefs, etc. you have in common and not just physical attraction either) then I believe a relationship with such a person can be lovely as you feel understood. I don’t know about you, but I love talking to and sharing moments with people who I feel understand me. It’s just simply magical. To quote my favorite movie: So often in my life I’ve been with people and shared beautiful moments like travelling, or staying up all night and watching the sunrise, and I knew those were special moments. But something was always wrong. I wished I’d been with someone else. I knew that what I was feeling, exactly what was so important to me, they didn’t understand. (from Before Sunrise)

Sharing life with someone is also great if you are with someone whose energy complements yours – it fires you up somehow. They understand you to the core, but they are still different from you. There’s a magical explosion there somewhere…and not just in bed…

…when I was on about creating life with someone…seeking out life…exploring…well, I see most things in life as a project, including life itself, because if you don’t take charge life will just happen to you. And when you create life together with someone with zest, passion, humor, magic, adventure  and excitement…then it’s simply delightful! Whether I am trying to create a home, a crazy vacation, a film, a theatre production or a company with someone…for me it’s bliss. It’s being able to do what I love together with someone I love, someone who complements me (and compliments me ) and makes me laugh!!! Doesn’t get much better than that.

Of course a relationship is also lovely because someone sweeps you off your feet by cooking for you, taking you on a sexcation, or simply just spending a night in heavenly bliss with you ever so often, or they pour a bath for you or rub your shoulders when you are tired, serve you breakfast in bed or know you well enough to plan the perfect bday party…I mean who doesn’t want a naughty text message in the middle of the day or a simple note saying “I love you”?

Baby, my sex drive is back…

You know when you feel like you suddenly got all your energy, all your powers back: the determination, the fire….the urge to create?! The desire to have sex again?!! After a bit of a sloppy time, whether a day or a month, you wanna scream on top of your lungs “I’m back baby and I’m gonna kick some ass!!!”

I’m back baby, but I’m back in a different way. It may be that I dress in the same clothes I always did when I felt like kicking ass – the same heels and silky pants (only the latest edition), it may even be the same lingerie underneath and the same seduction skills, but me, well I’m different. The fire, the determination, the passion are all the same, but the intention behind it different.

The woman who used to say she was gonna kick ass had something I can only describe as harshness; an attitude of steel; of pretense. She was gonna make it at any cost to prove something. Her need to make it was fueled by anger and born out of a sense of desperation; a need for love, for acknowledgement. The bullied little girl was gonna get an Oscar to say fuck you to the bastards that said she had no voice; no worth. The geek was gonna be a sex goddess and screw you all who didn’t want it when it was offered…ahem (that was: the love that was offered, not the sex…).

The new woman, well, for starters she’s a woman. Then, then…well, she may still have the same edge, the same sharpness about her that she used to have because that’s her style, but even so she wears her heart on her sleeve now. She laughs out loud, she loves out loud – she even cries out loud. She is herself without a layer on top to impress, or another layer to show she doesn’t care about others judgement. She is who she is and she’s here to do what she loves, giving of herself freely. She doesn’t perform a show to have people talk about her, but about what she gave. She’s coming from a place of love, not from a need to impress, or be loved. She’s doing it for herself now; following her own heart. And when she receives love she accepts it, as she has no need to have accomplished something special to receive it.

The pretense, the shell, or mask, that was held together by fear of others fell apart and you can now see the light that was always burning inside. You can see the real woman as she lives out loud what she always felt inside. Yet, some will never see that woman. Some will only see her lack of accomplishment, or her apparent success. Some will forever look to the outside counting checks, or seduction skills. Some already found the real woman years ago – those that looked beneath the surface. Yet others will discover the woman as she is today, seeing the light as it sparkles brightly.

The new woman is no longer a prisoner, nor hidden in the shadows. The light of the silverscreen that she always so desperately dreamt of is now the light in her own life. She is in her own lime light, a sparkling star on her own walk of fame. She realizes that even if she does make it, so if she becomes the hottest thing on the planet, as was once her wish, you can find sex, money and success elsewhere, but you can only find her here. The real her. The real star. And that ladies and gentlemen is an epipahny to write home about – to understand that love isn’t about your talents and that success isn’t about being successful. Love is being loved for your own light, your own heart, and being successful is simply living freely as you are, doing what you love.

Baby my sex drive is back…only this time it’s not someone pulling a stunt; putting on a show to get someone’s attention, trying to prove that she can be loved, or desired, but a woman prepared to love with an open heart and therefore also having a chance of being loved for her heart.

You can do a lot of things to get attention, but you can only do one thing to be loved: be you.

When your sex life is a mess…

Did I fuck you, or you fuck me, or did we just fuck?

If someone says: “Honestly, our sex life is terrible darling,” how do you deal with it? Do you start to defend your moves and grooves in the bedroom? Do you get angry? Do you feel fear for being judged, with no allowance for improvement? Do you blame it on the person who uttered the words? Would you rather end the relationship than having to question and/or sort out your own/your partners abilities? Did you already know it, but neglected it as you’d rather have a poor sex life than dare to bring it up with your partner and risk ending up with no sex life at all? Did your partner utter the sentence filled with love, compassion and a willingness to do her/his utmost to create the most marvelous sex life on the planet, or was s/he filled with blame, anger, fear, or frustration? How honest are you prepared to be when questioning your sex life and other relationships, including the one you have with yourself (no not your masturbation techniques, different chapter)?

Honesty. We talk about it a lot, or at least many of us throw it out as a description rather often. “I like honesty. I want honest friends and employees. Honesty is a good trait. Honest people are nice.” Yet, what is honesty? You can be honest with someone and yet only tell them part of the bigger picture. You can use honesty to hurt, or to heal. You can speak honestly from your mind, with your heart completely closed. What is good honesty?

I started thinking about stories recently…or, well, I always think about stories, but this week in particular as I heard three different versions of the same story, one being my own version. So I started pondering how honest the three different stories were. In all fairness I can’t say that anyone was lying, but due to different people choosing to talk about different parts of the story and ignoring others, the story looked very different from the three different perspectives. It’s like saying: “Jake took my purse.” v.s. “Jake took my purse to go buy the oranges I asked him to buy for me as my car broke down and they were too heavy to carry on foot.” In one story Jake is a thief, in the other a hero.

It can also be a very different story depending on if a person is constructing a story to work in their favor, or just sharing from their heart exactly what they are feeling.

What’s more, it can, of course, get very confusing if the person who is sharing the story isn’t thinking with their heart, but rather with their mind and have no clue of what they are actually feeling or what was really going on as they saw it through their own lenses, their own filters of reality. If you are very perceptive you may even feel that they are saying one thing, but feeling another, but they themselves don’t even know it – if anything they may just not be able to make the story make sense in their own minds. If, on the other hand, they are speaking with both their heart and mind and the two are disagreeing – one minute their heart is speaking, the next minute their mind and the mind and heart have opposing ideas of what is true – it can get even more confusing. For example, from January or so this year my heart was telling me to go to London for God knows what reasons, but my mind was telling me to stay in LA for plenty of reasons. Now, until I had figured this out maybe I shouldn’t have been confusing other people with my ideas back and forth, but that’s easier said than done as we often blurt out what’s going on in our hearts and minds to those close to us.

My choice of cities could have further confused people if say, with person A I always spoke from my heart, person B my mind, person C I didn’t tell anything at all to and person D got both my heart and mind. How I related to these people may be much because of how they related to me and/or much because of what I was most connected to at the time (heart, or mind). It may also be that I didn’t know up from down myself and simply shared whatever I believed/perceived to be the truth, but that may still not stop them from thinking I should have acted differently in my story telling once they found out what my final decision was (to stay stuck in the middle, or follow my heart, or mind). What’s more, they might very well have their own idea about what my mind and my heart should be like, as it would suit them better. Story telling can be bloody confusing until the day you say sayonara to everything but your own heart. Screw everything else: it’s the heart that counts. (That’s my not so humble opinion.)

If people aren’t listening to their hearts, but rather their logical reasoning, their learned ideas about themselves and life…then they are creating unreal stories in their lives and probably living them too. From an outside perspective you may see that the person got the wrong end of the stick (or the dick), but as the person is believing in the story they have created, it’s their reality. Their emotions are reacting to the story they have created in their minds, however unreal, but the emotions are real. Chemicals have gotten created and the person can feel them, yet something inside may tell them that something dodgy is going on, no matter how great the emotions. Talk about confusion!

What I also came to ponder is the fact that you are continuously creating stories about people and most of the time you aren’t sharing the stories with the people they are about. How many times have you sat down with your friends and shared the story about them and you? How you see your friendship from day one till now? I came to think about this as someone started asking me questions about someone whom I believe I have been honest with. I believe I have shared my heart with them, I have shared my feelings, my thoughts and what have you. What suddenly hit me though is that the story I would tell if someone asked me to tell the complete story from day one till now of our friendship, well that story the person the story is about had never heard.

Think about it like this: you go on vacation, you have a summer fling and you are, in the moment with that person open, free, what have you. When you get home friends ask you about your fling and you tell them a story. A story you probably never told the person you were having the fling with. So even if you were honest with the person at the time, it’s unlikely you sit down and tell them exactly how you see your whole story with them and how it’s impacted your life, the lessons you’ve learnt, what they gave you, etc.

This story creating goes for family, friends, business partners, mentors, what have you – we are constantly creating stories and, at times, very biased stories. Even when people tell you you are a great blessing, they really appreciate you, you have brought them joy and wonders, they may never get anymore specific than that. You may think you gave them one thing, but they may feel utterly blessed for another that you didn’t even consider a gift.

What further came to mind is that when we build connections with people, if we do so based on a story we have invented, rather than a genuine connection springing from our heart and soul, we are bound to live in fear. Fear that the money, or looks, or moves we used to impress them with will sooner or later fade, or they will discover we never possessed them in the first place. The story I used to choose to tell men could be rather fascinating, whether I told it in words, or actions, or the way I chose to dress. I liked to sort of…hmm…sex things up and remove the emotions as somewhere along the way I started to think that men want heartless women who are great in bed and will leave them when the morning comes. I was potentially mistaken in this conclusion. Just potentially. I also, at some point, came to realise that if I tell this heartless sex story I will end up with men that want something I can’t offer, as uh, I do have emotions, I do care and I do make people breakfast in bed. If you don’t like to be doted on, I’m not your girl.

My logical mind was trying to protect my heart by living in accordance with an idea it had gotten from information that had been provided, but the only way to protect your heart is to be true to your heart and live from a space of love. When you are what you want, you get what you want, whether you logically realise what that is or not.

Another thought appeared to me as I was talking about person A together with person B. Now, it was quite clear that we perceived this person very differently, so it hit me that it might be a bad idea to listen to another person’s idea of someone as they have created a story based on who they are first and foremost, not who the person they are talking about is. Also, how the person they describe relates to them is much because of what they put out there. If we believe a person is a devil it may be because we made them behave as a devil, or appeared as a devil to them. If we believe a person is an angel, it may be because we behaved as an angel to them, or appeared as an angel to them. Of course we all have individual responsibility – if someone tells me I’m an ass I can tell them I don’t agree and that’s that, or I can slap them, or tell the whole world they are an asshole – my behavior, no matter how “triggered” by someone else, is my choice. And speaking of which: when we create stories we often say “because s/he did this, I did that, or I learnt this, or I feel like this.” Now, that’s making them responsible and you are the one whose life is being ruled by someone else. Know that you can, to some extent at least, choose what to think and how to react. It’s like a history class with Mr Y – one student loves Mr Y and history, another student hates history, but loves Mr Y. Yet another student hates history and Mr Y and yet another one hates Mr Y, but loves history. Now, who will try to learn about history during these classes and who will occupy their minds more so with the teacher than with the subject? And who will choose to disregard their own preconceived ideas and just get on with the topic at hand and learn what they need to learn?

As I see it, if you want to learn about life, then every person you meet and every event you are part of becomes a tool for learning; an asset if you so like for gaining deeper knowledge and becoming more able to deal with things yet to come. If you, on the other hand, think life is nothing but a series of unexplainable and unpredictable events you may not ponder about it at all and, consequently, think you have no say about how your life goes – you are at the mercy of others and life itself.

Because I believe that you mainly (not necessarily always as there are other influences too) get what you attract (or consciously/sub-consciously look for and therefore walk up to when you spot it), I don’t necessarily want to blame anyone for what they so to speak caused me – I want to look inside myself so that I can create what I want within me and therefore be drawn to what I want in the future. And let’s face it – it’s often when things go tits up that we start to question what’s going on inside. We don’t always stop to ponder the small things, but when there is no way of closing our eyes to what’s going on, we are forced to listen and, therefore, if we so wish, start changing things within ourselves.

Taking responsibility for your insides does not make other people nice if they do something unpleasant, nor does it mean that you should stick around them. It simply means that you may wanna have a look inside of you to see what created this, whether it was fear, suppressed anger, belief systems…you name it. Otherwise you are likely to end up in the same situation, or with a similar influence in your life, whether event or person, in the future. You may actually be pushing/provoking situations and people to prove your ideas right. Most things for that matter can be sorted with a bit of love – live from a place of love and your life will take blissful turns. When I say this I also have to point out that living from a place of love does not mean getting rid of your spine – stand up for yourself, point out when people are abusing their relationship with you, just do so from a place of love and compassion. Soon that love and compassion will come back to you. I believe whatever you talk about, even the unpleasant stuff, needs to come from this place. If nothing else, it removes people’s’ wish to defend themselves and go against your words. It removes fear and anger. If you want to be honest just to hurt someone, you may as well lie – it will have equally disastrous effects. If it doesn’t come from a space of love, it will backfire.

So guys, next time you talk to your lover about your sex life…have a heartfelt think before you blame them for the sexperiment where you did the doggie dressed in pink leather atop the Empire State Building…or praise them for the best sex of your life – maybe it just so happened that you were co-creating that experience… Go make love to the world – honestly speaking, it could do with some TLC…

How would you like it in bed, honey? Rough, medium, or sweet as cotton candy?…

Image via Wikipedia

We all have wants, needs, wishes, what have you, right? I mean who didn’t dream up the perfect job, g/f or b/f, house, vacation, etc.? I know I did. First, I wanted him to have curly light brown hair and green eyes. Then it was the dark curls and brown eyes. Then it was the rough blue-eyed blond. Then I gave up on looks requirements. I figured I had fallen for one of each category anyway, so who knew what would be next? Might as well keep my options open.

I guess, like many other peeps I thought that the dream we have will materialize exactly as the dream is on paper. Usually not the case. You might have more chemistry with the blue-eyed wonder than with the green-eyed charmer you imagined. And if you don’t watch out, you may miss the blue-eyed wonder as you are searching for green and therefore seeing green. We often miss that which we do not keep a lookout for.

Another favorite of mine is how humans tend to focus on what they don’t have: you meet blue-eyed wonder and as if by magic, you fall in love. Problem is, it’s not what you imagined it would be like. You keep thinking that maybe, maybe you would like some green after all. Then blue-eyed wonder starts saying that maybe it won’t work out and maybe you should break it off and then you realize how much you love blue-eyed wonder and maybe you forgot this fact as you were focusing on what you did not have before. So instead of building what there was already a solid base for, you were dreaming of something completely different that could not be. And I assure you – the green-eyed charmer would have a few other traits you hadn’t taken into account either.

I know eye color might be a silly metaphor, but sex for example is an individual thing and everyone work slightly different in bed. What is one woman’s want is another one’s nightmare. But what if you meet someone who isn’t great in bed, then what do you do? You want rough, he wants cotton candy…do you dump him? Or do you work it out in between yourselves – find some common ground and then also take turns giving each other what you want?

I used to avoid relationships thinking that no one had exactly what I wanted (and that I didn’t have exactly what thy wanted). Then one fine day I woke up and realized what exactly I wanted was love and a true connection, affinity, resonance, understanding… So long as the love, connection and attraction is there…well, the rest is in the fine print. You work it out. If the love isn’t there on the other hand, the person can be bloody perfect and still nothing will work out. First time you have an argument and there is no love, no consideration, no respect…well, then it’s not all that perfect even if the person has every trait you ever dreamed of, you allowed yourself to walk on pink clouds, everything was “just perfect”…apart from the relationship. It was partly an illusion, because you fell in love with a person, rather than together building a solid relationship filled with love, care and…sex…

Love means you love someone and will automatically care for them. That doesn’t mean you won’t have any emotional garbage that may hurt your partner at one time or another, but it means you have the decency to apologize and work on it so it won’t keep happening. Basically: you will want the best for your partner. It’s the difference between arguing in a friendly way: it’s two different opinions meeting, or in an unfriendly way: two different opinions meeting with a lot of hatred/blame/revenge/menace attached. Your mental actions are not nice. Basically: there are ways to disagree and there are ways not to disagree. We all find each other irritating at times and we need an ability to laugh at this and discuss, in a loving way (no angry accusations guys) what maybe could change. I know for certain that if someone looks at me and say: “I don’t like that about you,” I feel miserable. If they instead joke and tell me how much they love me, but how much a tiny thing infuriate them, well then it’s different. I’d rather want to change some aspect of my behavior out of love and respect for my partner, than because I feel ashamed and threatened they will leave me if I don’t.

Needs, wants…fantasies…we all have them. As always I use a relationship as a metaphor, but it applies to everything in life: nothing is what we think it will be (but exactly what our interiors wanted – either a mirror of us, or a complimentary connection to us).  If we like what we find, if there is love, if there is respect…we work it out. In business, in life, in bed… If we don’t like it…its’ time to rethink ourselves. I just think it’s important to be open. Not to chase blue-eyed wonders when we could have brown-eyed candies…if we just saw them. And see what there is to appreciate in every person, in every task, in every moment…don’t wait till it’s gone: love it now.