Tag Archives: spirituality

Our ever so easy fuck…

OK, so the headline isn’t meant to read like that. It’s meant to say “our ever so easy frock” but dizzy here almost fell off the bed whilst reading it in an email, as of course I read it as the headline of this blog reads – in other words: our ever so easy fuck. If I can, I always put a fuck in the sentence, so the line didn’t shock me. The shock was that I thought my favorite interior decorating shop had put it in their headline. Anthropologie aren’t exactly known for their crazy headlines if you know what I mean.

The other day a bus had an ad on it that read “Dress to suit the town,” which I believed said “dress to shit the town.” I thought this a really weird ad, that’s why I looked twice and realized it was I that was weird, not the ad, which kind of sums up life right there: often life is beautiful, but our insides perceive it as anything but. That’s the spiritual lesson you get from seeing shit on the bus.

Now, of course I managed to draw some spiritual enlightenment from “our ever so easy fuck” as well. First of all I concluded fucks should be easy. In other words: don’t fuck fuck-nots. If there isn’t flow – if someone doesn’t love and adore you – fuck it. Don’t fuck them, fuck it.

Secondly, this reminded me of Branson’s “screw it let’s do it” – as an easy fuck means you just go for it, glide forward gracefully instead of getting stuck hiding.  You see, recently I’ve been reminded that life is this very moment. This very moment. And how I spend it is very important. It’s my life I’m spending. It’s not rich uncle Edward’s antique gold coins (if you know a rich uncle Edward, please tell him I’d love some gold coins), it’s my life. And my life is priceless. There is only one of me, which is why it’s priceless. You can’t exchange me. There is no substitute for me. I’m one hundred percent unique (at this point some people are sighing, wishing they could indeed exchange me, or get their money back – especially my dad who would like his money back for the years he kept this starving artist above starvation level) and my life is here and now – this is my only chance to spend it. It’s time to screw it and just fucking do it – stand up for myself and claim my birthright: the life of my dreams.

This came about partly because recently I did an intuitive exercise, a tune in, to reveal what was going on for me, and what I realized was that I was feeling ridiculous. I felt ridiculous for living my dreams – like I was this little girl in fairy tale land  (the land everyone used to tell me it was impossible to reach) and I was petrified people would ask me who the hell I think I am? Surely I’m just a silly dreamer and soon my dreams will crash around me and then everyone will laugh at my little invented fairy tale? What gives me the right to be so bloody happy? I’m not important enough to be that happy, am I? So instead of going full force forward claiming my dreams I got petrified and almost backed down. I was very far from “screw it let’s do it.” It was more like I was dressed to shit this town.

Looking at this I realized that I have been close to living my dreams before, but I have always backed down. As soon as someone doubted me, I doubted myself. I did not have the conviction to follow through. My companies are great proofs of this – I’ve been close to launch so many times and yet never done it.

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I used to feel like a complete waste – people praised my talents wherever I went, but I always ended up working with something that did not serve my talents and made me feel miserable and inadequate. I had guys chasing me in every town, but never fell for anyone but the ones that didn’t want me. Time and time again I proved to myself how worthless I was. I was brave enough to do some things, like starting this blog, but crikey the book proposal for it has been sitting on my desk for A YEAR. I wrote it a year ago and never sent it. I felt it wasn’t perfect enough and now I’m a freelance writer but I only apply for the jobs I think I can get, not the ones I really want. Like my own published articles. Hallelujah.

I’m the kind of person that leaves a party if I sense someone dislikes me. I back down. I was going haywire for a while because some people did not agree with me mentoring/fostering the kids I now look after. It was my dream and yet I listened to them and question every blooming aspect of myself before saying yes to doing it. I know others will question the companies I want to launch. If I start dating someone, he will question me. That’s life. Every treasure comes with a threshold guardian and a few demons to boot.

I have been running around in circles for so long because I couldn’t stand facing other people’s dislike. I avoided dating, launching companies, publishing my book…I avoided truly pursuing what I loved, even if on the outside it looked like I was going for it. I never stood up for myself. I never told off the guys that messed me around, I never said I’m gonna launch my companies and publish my book so if it’s the last thing I do. I never showed up at a party feeling utterly pleased with myself, not caring what others thought of me. I just feverishly tried to make myself better so as to have everyone’s approval for everything. I mean it’s scary saying you will do something with the potentiality it will fail and all those non-believers will be having a party! But so what, then you learn and move on instead of regretting all the things you never did. Life is about exploring, not achieving. Of course you have to have the right purposes behind what you do and always question yourself, but that’s different from not believing in yourself.

A few years back I asked myself if I feared success and I thought I must, because I was already failing so that couldn’t be what frightened me. No, what frightened me was hearing others say how great I am and actually acknowledge it. Dare to believe in it. Not think they would turn around and start laughing and humiliating me two seconds later. I was scared of being exposed in the light. It was much easier hiding in the shadows.

I think it’s time for an ever so easy fuck, don’t you? I’ve been dressed to shit this town for way too long – hiding in my own shit and behind my ever so complicated fuck-nots. It’s time to shine my light. I feel ridiculous just saying that, but it really is time. Maybe I will stand up on my high heels and fall straight into a duck pond (that was blocking the road, clearly) classic blondie style, but if I do, then I want to do so in the light, enjoying my splashing. Enjoying living life to the full – experiencing all it has to offer. Besides, what could be sexier than a blonde in a duck pond…erm…a blonde proudly walking with her head up into a party?

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Sensual…

Can’t believe I will be in London in two weeks!!! Eeeek. I’m so excited to go and yet it feels so weird as my life is here now and just realizing that feels weird. Sometimes things change…you change…but you don’t really know how until you meet your past and I think London will be like that. Similarly, when I come back here I will have perspective on my life here. That’s partly why I love traveling – it allows you to get away from where you are so as to have gained perspective by the time you get back. It also allows you to go back to places and discover in yourself what has changed. Even if you don’t move countries every two seconds like I’ve been known to, you can go on vacation one year, only to return the next and see everything in a new light, or experience yourself differently.

Having just moved here it’s also an emotional journey to go back and see lots of close friends and family knowing that I will return to the very beginnings of establishing a life here. I love my life here though, it’s just not filled with close friends yet. It will be, but it takes time and as we all know: sometimes we want our friends around. I’m very happy here though. I feel like I finally wake up to my dreams in the mornings. That doesn’t mean things are perfect, or that I don’t face demons, or get stressed at times, but I love my life and I love myself a lot more. I keep asking myself what my dream life is and taking obvious steps to making it happen and I mean obvious steps that will transform my life now, as well as those that will lead to something in the future. It’s like you know how you think “once I have that fat pay check I will take the time and money to have lunch at a restaurant every day,” but that fat pay check may never come. So now if I have an idea like that I may decide to have lunch out once a week, or once a month. Not that, that happens to be my dream, but you know what I mean. By doing these small things, together with being happy with where I live, with the people I have met and the work I do, I  feel like I have a life. My life.

It feels almost sensual you know. Not hot and dirty, but that soft relaxation that allows you to taste the air and smell the ocean. The experience of life becomes sensual because all your senses are engaged in it. In the now. In the moment.

tumblr_merzz7k11o1rlgpx3o1_500_large[1]Pure life…magic…

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Roleplaying? Let’s ride that horse!

Have you got the saddle and the whip ready? OK, ‘cuz here we go – this post is coming at you at dramatic speed, with just the right amount of naughty suspension… (…that’s to say I’m just about to do a moral/philosophical/spiritual preaching session, but I will cover it up with a naughty headline and sexual introduction and leave you with a happy ending… There, are you aroused? Good, now let’s move on to the real juicy bits, the crux of the crux so to speak…)

I remember my principal at acting school telling us the story of how he asked a student what they would be willing to do to become a great actor? They said anything, including chopping off a finger. He asked them if they were willing to remove their piercings and wear neutral clothes for a while. The answer was no. The idea of giving up their identity was terrible to them, yet it’s the basics of acting. See, in order to become a great actor you have to be willing to let go of your ego. You have to be willing to step into any person’s mind and act out their thoughts without any hold backs. You cannot let your thoughts impact the character. In other words: whether you are acting the nerdiest nerd, the most arrogant twat, the gothiest goth, a politician, a whore, a criminal…you have to put your own thoughts about the character aside and willingly think the thoughts of the character.

You can’t act a well meaning politician at the same time as you think all politicians are lying bastards. In the same way if you are wearing the most hideous outfit you have ever seen and the character thinks it is great, walking around really proud, you can’t let your own thoughts get in the way and start feeling ashamed in front of the audience. A good actor can let go of their thoughts and embrace the character. Most people if they are so fond of their piercings, hairstyles and clothes that they can’t walk around town wearing no jewelry and completely neutral clothes, hair and make-up, will probably find acting very difficult, because it means they are using their style to make them feel good.

I know all these things and yet I sometimes find myself desperately holing onto my attitude – holding onto wearing clothes that I believe put me in a good light, or behaving in ways that are complete acts, whilst I’m covering my heart. To stand firmly grounded with an open heart, without the use of any kind of wardrobe or props is still work in progress for me. When there are daunting situations it just feels so much better to be armed with stilettos, crack jokes at the speed of lightning and do an intellectual play of words, just so as to confuse and outsmart people. It feels so good to radiate confidence and look the part, doesn’t it? Other times I feel much more safe hiding in a corner than dealing with a group of people if I know some people in the group dislike me. Standing up for myself would mean confrontation and that means I would have to face their dislike. Face their dislike, honestly acknowledge if there are things about me I should change (valid criticism) and at the same time be completely grounded in my love for myself and them as human beings. Not easy. If I’m a teacher, or director, it’s easy, because I’m detached – I’m there to make sure they learn, or act. I’m in a position of power, of strength and I make sure to do my job as neutral as I can. I’m also very confident in those positions, as I trust my professional capabilities, if not my personal ones. If it’s on a personal level, I feel 12 years old and bullied, or as if I’m facing my former step-mother, both which are memories I’m not very fond of. Which is my second point to all this: for all my knowledge about being neutral and seeing life and people for what they truly are, I still act from the place of a character, rather than from my heart.

So, dear readers, I guess what I’m saying is that it’s time to let go a bit of attitude, or quiet reserve, and open my heart and give of myself, as well as stand up for myself. On a personal level. After all, if you think about it – if you can’t let go of thoughts about what the other person thinks of you, or what you are doing to them when having sex, will you ever truly enjoy the act? Whether you are riding them on a saddle, or doing the traditional missionary. Can you ever truly experience anything if you don’t let go of your ego? If you don’t immerse yourself completely in the act, instead of thinking of memories, or having things from your past triggered by the present? If you don’t leave judgement of self by the door? Can you ever see reality if you don’t let your ego go?

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May 1, 2013 · 6:58 pm

Buying French porn…

Yes, I did that once. Buying French porn that is… Now let me explain, when you are all alone in Paris you need a little distraction…no, no…actually I was all alone in Belgium, I had decided to backpack through Europe…in the midst of winter. Not surprisingly I was alone. I also happened to have made the decision that I was bringing no entertainment on this trip, so as to clear my head. Belgium in winter with no entertainment. Ya…

So what happened was that one fine day in one city, which one I have forgotten, I decided I had had enough of being without brain stimuli and company, so I walked into a bookshop. One of those second-hand bookshops where you never know what you will find. I found a cute little French book (or at least it was written in French) and so I decided to buy it. It was from 1890 or something like that, all about a school for girls.

I then got back to the youth hostel, or a cafe, I fail to remember which and decided to read the book. Something along the lines of smacking naughty girls on the bottom with hair brushes. (I’m sorry to disappoint you all, it was not exactly two women and a man with an over sized penis… You must be terribly disappointed if you thought this blog would be about that…)

Now I find my book buying escapade rather innocent and as you may know I’m not the kind who thinks porn is a sin. I believe there are more tasteful ways of displaying eroticism, but anyway. So for me this is no sin, but to some it probably would be. Like the pope or something. Yet, I didn’t pick that book being aware of what was inside it. So if you thought porn was a terrible sin (especially the hairbrush spanking…) would you judge me for it?

For a fact we are all born into different places in this world. Different things happen to us when we are children, which often determine our world view and what we end up creating in life. Some people commit terrible mistakes as a result of that. They do things most of us would judge as sinful and downright nasty (I’m not talking about watching porn if you haven’t gathered that by now). It may then be that one day they wake up to the fact that what they have done harms others, themselves, or the planet and they regret it. They regret it because they see there are other ways of life that don’t do harm.

As people we change. Most of us because we discover something beyond what we knew before. Yet, we still have to live with our past actions, even though we have changed we can’t change the past.

Someone here in South Africa told me that Mandela stole some food or something in his youth and because of that they had mixed feelings about him. Now I don’t know much about that man beyond Invictus, but if someone spends that many years in jail and then go onto abolishing apartheid whilst trying to prevent the black turning racist against the white…would you still judge him for the mistakes he made in his youth? No, neither time, nor his other pursuits will make it up to the people he stole from, they won’t get their things back, but still – is the Mandela today to blame for what the Mandela seventy years back?

Sometimes I’m more ashamed of where I came from, than proud of where I got to. Can you recognize yourself in this at all? I never did terrible things, my “sin” was being petrified of people, not having self-confidence and generally disliking myself. I wasn’t happy, I was psychologically messed up and I’ve been really depressed twice. I never feel totally comfortable talking about that though, because I believe people will judge me for it. And I don’t want to be judged for it – I want to be seen for who I am today. On the other hand I truly want to share it as I hope that it might help others realize change is possible. Self-love and acceptance is possible.

I was given my childhood and safe to say I did not know how to interpret the world around me, or what happened to me back then. I drew conclusions that messed me up. I was unhappy. Very unhappy. I acted from that place of unhappiness and created even more unhappiness. But if you want to judge me for that, it’s kind of like judging me for buying porno in Belgium – I had no clue of what I was doing, I bought into something I did not understand. (I wish I had gotten hold of something raunchier at that time…but anyway…) I didn’t commit crimes though and most people would probably only judge me for being miserable and potentially pity me, but what if I had been born into something else? Like poverty and power greedy people around me? Who would I be today?

It’s my belief that we are all hearts. The rest is the topping – both the good and the bad (ego go go). We can shed the topping though, even if scars remain. It can be a bit rough for the ego though, as if you realize the bad isn’t you, maybe what you are proud of isn’t you either. Maybe we are all just hearts…

I don’t know if you can undo criminals – some minds have gone far, far away from their hearts and may be impossible to reconnect. And you have to reconnect with your heart if you are to live a happy life where you serve yourself, others and the planet. I believe you can try though. I believe in “thou mayest” as Steinbeck put it. I believe we have choice. If we are shown so. And that’s why I’m in Africa right now with The Wandering Tales. I believe Africa has a choice.

Choose…choose what’s underneath the clothes…that naked liberation of the heart…

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Naked, or covered in lace…

Sometimes it’s nice to get dressed up in fancy lingerie, isn’t it? Adds a bit of an extra sparkle…

I believe my clothes (…including the lace…), my home, my work and the people I surround myself are important – I see them as a natural extension of myself, so I love to create things that resonate with who I am, under the clothes as otherwise I will feel out of balance. The thing is though, who I am is underneath the clothes. The rest is just decoration and if I am lucky and have managed to live in accordance with my heart, the decoration does indeed represent me and I feel at peace. Right now, even though I still miss L.A. I feel so lucky having found a home I love in a city that’s absolutely filled with natural beauty and where I work with charity and film. I feel at peace once again being surrounded by things that reflect who I am, rather than being stuck in London with a life that did not reflect who I was and was making me miserable. My life here could be taken away from me tomorrow though.

Life is who you are, the rest is decoration and decoration comes and goes.

Looking around me here in South Africa there are a lot of people who can’t afford lace. One of our clients at CARES is a woman who lost her children to social security years ago thanks to drug misuse. She joined CARES and became clean, now helping others to do the same, working for CARES. She got her children back and had two more – twins. I was playing with the twins the other day and asked if I could bring one with me home and keep it, as it was so cute, before realizing that wasn’t a good joke. She answered quite happily thankfully though that she was keeping them both. Now, over the holidays her home in the township burnt to the ground. She and her family – homeless. And that’s when I think everything else fades away. All the lace is gone and left is a human with a heart and you are looking at her, equally naked, through your heart.

I’m a fan of lace – I believe it…spices things up. I think I brought more lingerie than I did clothes to Cape Town, but if anyone decides to love me for the lingerie…well then they love a piece of fabric anyone could wear. And lingerie comes and goes. We are all hit in the face sometimes with losing everything around us. We can still remain beautiful though. We can face life with the attitude we choose. Mourning and longing after a loss is natural, but how we move forward is up to us. If in our hearts we are filled with love I believe we can create beauty around us once more. There are always people out there willing to love and care, if you are willing to share your heart with love. Personally I miss the LA I lost, but love the Cape Town I found and am at peace as life is, once more, a reflection of who I am. In the same way we lose people we love and although no one will replace them, others will bring as much love. Life is filled with beauty.

If you want to help our client rebuild her future, or want to get involved in our other projects surrounding helping prevent drug abuse and rehabilitate people from it, as well as creating a future by helping with education and life skills, please contact us on our Facebook page:https://www.facebook.com/CaresSouthAfrica You can also watch videos of the client speaking about losing her home.

I challenge you to buy as raunchy lingerie as your imagination would love…but I also challenge you to view life through the heart and live as naked as you wish…

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Undressing for Christmas…

I’d like to think about this blog as undressed…naked. Sometimes I overrate myself though and realize I haven’t managed more than stripping down to my lingerie. But as most people on a daily basis don’t get that far with me you can consider yourself blessed, or mortified. It’s the naked truth, whether it makes you giggle with delight, or run for cover.

I was asking on Facebook what people want for Christmas, given I wrote a naughty letter to Santa some years back on here and it’s still getting a lot of traffic from Google. Someone wanted less problems, whereas I would prefer better problems. Like figuring out how to undress a man in fifty different ways. Now hello Christmas gift!

Speaking of Christmas gifts…do you always give yourself the gift of a life you love? When I came to South Africa I was really, really stressed as I knew I had to be out of the guesthouse I was staying at within a week, I had seen one post in two weeks on Gumtree for rooms to rent in Hout Bay and I had my things stolen. Plus, PLUS I didn’t have a car and so I couldn’t even get to the places if there were any to see without taking a cab or begging people for rides. I happen to be Miss Independent and felt lost in space not knowing my way around and being able to go where I wanted to go and lead my life sort of thing. So when someone posted a room on Gumtree I immediately went to see it. I had a feeling I would never like it there, although it was a massive, lovely house, great garden and so on, but it just wasn’t me and the owner smoked and kept smelly dog food in the kitchen. Everyone else told me it was a catch though and I said yes.

This weekend I went with a friend to do a four-hour Kundalini yoga class just up the road from where I am. I cannot describe this place to you. It was paradise. And I felt at peace. Something I did not do at home. This place was “so me” whereas home was “so not me.” So I thought I better find a new place.

There had been a new ad on Gumtree for a couple of days for another room, but it was more expensive than I wanted to pay. However, came Monday morning I had a fit about the dog food and decided to call the guy and go see the place.

Before I came to Cape Town I did an intuitive exercise to find my “Land of Plenty” in it I saw myself living in the hills outside of Cape Town in a natural home. When I went to see this place I was rather shocked because it was a natural home in the hills outside of Cape Town. Now, it’s not exactly what I saw in my mind’s eye, because that was a hobbit house and another one next to it, but this place rang true to me. It is part of something I love, something which resonates with me. I’m a tad scared of getting allergic to the dogs, but the house itself is like a dream. My dream.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I do make these hasty decisions…I go with things that are alright, but feels wrong because I feel internal stress about something. I want to live a life I love – I want to be comfortable in my own skin and then I have to start choosing what resonates with me. I have to follow my heart to create a life I love.

Unwrap your heart, unwrap the boys and girls that you love (or THE one boy, or girl you love) and follow your heart to where it takes you…

P.S. Please Santa. Seriously. I’ve been a very good girl. Very, very good. Can you send someone for me to unwrap? Pretty please.

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A love story…

I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for this. Chapter two of my love story. I wrote the first chapter two years ago and I have, erm, been thinking about writing the next one for two years. I just never found the time and the inspiration at the same time (I made an attempt once that didn’t turn out too well, bloody awful if I remember it right). I find it truly marvellous how a story can live in your mind for two years. I can’t really believe it was two years ago though, but it was. It was around Easter and there were flowers in the Canyon, I was doing yoga there in the mornings…my darling LA…well, this story is from my heart, not from the city…but then, that city too, is in my heart…

The Journey, Chapter II

He played her like a violin. Soft, penetrating notes echoing in the first light of morning. Like dew they were crystal clear, the notes, as they flew through the skies, the echo softly fading into eternity. She could feel him. As he moved something moved within her.

He wasn’t there. He was away in travels. He hadn’t been there since they met. That first whirlwind couple of weeks when they got to know each other. He had already known her, as she had known him, as souls know each other, recognize each other, but they had to get to know each other on a day-to-day basis. He found out what hours during the morning she ground her spices. She found out what hours of day he spent rehearsing tricks for his shows. He watched her as she came up with recipes, baked…tasted new tastes as she created them. She watched him as he learnt to make something disappear only to reappear unexpectedly, or six juggling balls fly in endless patterns across the skies.

It was funny she thought, how she felt she knew him, without knowing a single thing about him. He kept surprising her with the small things he did. Whether he suddenly showed up with the perfect present at the most unexpected hour, or told a funny story to a stranger, there was always this element of surprise – of making things appear out of thin air (which he was very good at quite literally). Still, even if he told someone a story she had never heard before, or suddenly showed up with all the neighbors for a spur of the moment picnic, which no one in the town had thought to do for the last 100 years or so, she was certain that she knew him. Her soul knew his soul, as his soul knew hers. Whether they recognized each other because of centuries past, or because they were made of the same stuff…she didn’t know. It was as if their essence was the same, or completely complimentary. Yet, there was nothing complimentary about him loving coriander and she loving mint, him traveling and she having a bakery, him staying out late to perform and she waking early to bake, but it felt right. As if they shouldn’t be copies of each other. As if they were different, yet the same. Complimentary, she thought. They fit without having to fit.

It was a splendid dawn today, just as the day three months ago when he had entered her little cafe well before the rest of the town had stirred. When the air was still fresh and clean – desires, agonies, pains, hopes and passions, still sleeping. It was the purest hour of the day. It felt much the same as the tones of the violin – clear cutting and raw, beautiful and light, yet forceful and demanding.

He had entered at dawn. It was his colours, his aura, the feel of him…a man who was wide awake, making things happen. A man who preferred to rise whilst the rest of the world was still sleeping. Yet, he was a man of the night; an entertainer. As everyone know – people like to be entertained at night, when they have time for such indulgent pleasures and their minds let lose and their hearts play. He could sneak in the shadows and appear in the light, he was filled with contradictions like that.

As any good entertainer, he could make anyone feel at ease instantly. People were drawn to him and she imagined the women in his life must have been plenty, yet he was a loner. He was always there, present in the moment with people, open, warm…still she could see he didn’t feel connected to everyone. He was present to them, they touched him inside, as he touched them, but he wasn’t connected to them on every level. As if they were different from him. Few people could get to the core that she had imagined she had touched.

His exterior was so light, always jesting, but underneath was something else. He could spend hours thinking up a story, coming up with the deeper meaning, the sublime messages….then hiding them in word plays, tricks and jokes. He appeared light, but he had a depth she’d rarely seen before. He was a man who knew the truth and conveyed it in jest. He saw far beyond what eyes can see. He saw into people’s hearts and minds and slightly altered them during his performances. A true jester, an alchemist at heart. She knew that was the path of jesters in ancient history. Apparently some lived on.

It was hard to pin him down. Just as he could see through the facades of most men, straight into their hearts, it was hard to see straight into his. From all the people he had met he seemed to have picked something up…it was as if he was everyone, yet, he was so distinctively himself. And when he let go, when he wasn’t entertaining, or analyzing, when he was just him, without doing anything, he was beautiful.

She remembered one day….the sun just starting to move from the very top of the skies towards the horizon, his voice – that soft, deep melodic tone – floating effortlessly into the air around him, a smile covering his face. A small group of people had gathered around him, like colorful dots, as he stood on his red mat.

Given his audience that day was filled with children, he told them a fairy tale. The woman smiled, as she remembered the story – it had been about an Easter egg hunt.

He had told the children that in one town, a small town much like their own, only instead of always basking in sunlight, it was placed on the mist swept hillsides in what appeared to be a magical place, the tradition was that every year on Easter Sunday the adults would go out early in the morning to hide beautiful eggs for the children who turned ten that year. The eggs were large, made out of wood and beautifully painted in bright colors, gold and silver. Intricate patterns, sometimes even images making up stories, covered the eggs. They said the tradition was as old as the town itself and in fact you could buy these eggs all year round to bring with you back to your own town. The eggs were very expensive, the accomplishment of a long tradition of craftmanship. For the children though, the eggs were free and filled with wonderful toys and fantastical sweets and every child longed to turn ten, just so they could be the ones participating in the Easter egg hunt that year.

According to tales from the town it was said that if someone really needed something the spirit of Oestre, of dawn and new beginnings, would bring it as a gift and hide it within the egg. Most people didn’t believe in this tale though, as it was old and filled with superstition, but as tales go it was still told over and over again. It was as much part of the town as the cobblestones themselves.

One year during the traditional Easter egg hunt, a girl found an egg that was much smaller and uglier than all the other eggs and when she opened it inside was a small bag of seeds, a needle and one piece of chocolate. Nothing like the endless amount of sweets, toy trains, games and other beautiful toys the other children found.

The girl who had found the ugly egg felt very disappointed at first. This was something she had been looking forward to for years and something her friends had talked about for weeks now. Even the adults looked at her funnily as everyone swore that the egg hadn’t been placed by them and there was another egg, one like the ones the other kids had, that had gone missing. They believed someone was playing a trick on them, but they thought it must be a stranger as everyone in town at the time got along really well. As there was no other egg – every egg in town had been sold before Easter – the little girl had to make do with the one she found.

As all the other boys and girls were gathering around to show each other their eggs and eat their sweets the little girl felt angry, thinking it unfair she couldn’t do the same. The other children offered her sweets but it didn’t feel as nice eating them when she couldn’t offer any in return, or swap around for favorites, like the others did. Nor could she play with her new toys, as she didn’t have any. After sulking for a while, she gave up, simply because it was too boring to sit and be miserable and decided to go home. After all she thought, maybe there was something special with her egg? Maybe it was a magical somehow? She would have a closer look at it when she got home.

Once at home she opened the egg again and sat steering at the contents for a while, waiting for something to happen – magic is supposed to make things fly, or play music out of nothing, isn’t it? Nothing did happen though, so she decided to put the contents of the egg to use – there wasn’t much else she could do. She took the seeds and planted them in their garden and once she was done she sat down and had the piece of chocolate she had been given. The chocolate was truly delicious and as it was the only piece she got, she took her time and ate it very slowly, enjoying every bite. She thought the other children probably didn’t enjoy their sweets as much, because they ate so many in one go. When she got sweets in the future, she would take her time to enjoy each one. Once she had finished her chocolate she hurried inside to try the last thing in the egg – the needle. As she sat down with a piece of fabric, needle and thread in hand she immediately managed to prick herself with the needle. Not a great start to an enjoyable gift she thought, but she realized she didn’t actually know how to saw very well, so she took the needle and walked over to her neighbor, who happened to be a seamstress.

As it turned out the little girl really enjoyed sewing once she got the hang of it. It took hard work and a lot of patience, but as she started enjoying what she was doing she learnt fast and soon she was making dresses for her dolls and shortly thereafter clothes for both herself and her family.

That summer her father got very ill for a couple of months and as the family didn’t have much money the girl made some extra money from her sewing and was delighted to find that she now had a garden filled with vegetables they could eat. Later in life she became a very accomplished seamstress and made dresses that created happiness for all that wore them. So the little girl who got the smallest egg, after all got the largest treasure. And she learnt that things that are valuable continue to generate joy for years and magic truly is a gift you have to make happen yourself.

After ending the tale the jester magically pulled out an egg from various places to each one of the children, each egg containing her homemade sweets and a gift that could be used for many years to come, something that needed to be used to create something else. That way, he explained later, they would carry the magic with them. She had asked him how he knew what gift to give to each child, whether a set of paints, or a mini-carpenting kit. He had smiled when she asked him this. “I know a little bit,” he said, “but I do not know everything. I was hoping chance would play it to my favor. I prayed each gift I chose would be the right one, using my intuition if you so like, but life after all will happen as it chooses and we all have to deal with what comes. Sometimes a gift today can seem worthless, that in years to come becomes precious. Just as in the story I told.”

He smiled again as his mind seemed to wander. “My granddad had a flute, which he had never played for more than an hour in total his entire life. It had been a gift to him from his father in law, who, as an established musician, hoped that his new son would learn to play and carry the traditions of the family forward. As it were grandpa never really got used to producing his own music – he preferred listening to others, like his beautiful wife, whom used to sing to him. So the flute gathered dust in a corner of their house, until some 35 years later I found it and learned to play. Much thanks to grandma. To this day, that’s the flute I play. It’s made of some incredibly hard wood and seems to never wear out. Magical, really. It’s my favorite toy, my most precious belonging. Apart from you, of course.” He laughed and winked at her. “I don’t belong to you,” she objected. She could never get used to people talking about each other as belongings. She was a free spirit, not jailed to anyone, or anything. “No, but you are part of me. Sort of the same, don’t you think?”

She didn’t, but she knew what he meant. It was what she had been trying to explain to herself for the last couple of days as she felt him much stronger than before. As if the notes of his flute were playing within her, opening her to the sudden feeling that he was present in the room. She wondered if she was insane as at the same time as she knew she wasn’t. It was the same as she feeling exactly what someone needed to eat to alter their state of mind. It was knowing something that travelled through you, without you knowing exactly how, or why. It was a feeling, an impression – something as tangible as it was inexplicable.

She thought about the flute. Notes, playing her, caressing her…maybe life is like that she thought? Like a million melodies playing at the same time, some harmonizing with each other. Those where the people you felt you belonged to, were part of. Maybe the whole universe was made up of sounds, of notes echoing out into eternity, never really disappearing, just reappearing in another melody. And when you met melodies you harmonized with, you felt stronger, as two voices sing louder than one. You felt at home, understood – as if the spices finally matched up, creating the perfect harmony, the perfect cake. And maybe, just maybe, you heard the melody before it entered? You were drawn, as if by magic, to the people and the places that would harmonize with you?

She felt a wind swirling in from underneath the doors and the spices twirled up into her face. His spices. She looked up in wonder.

The doors opened. “Hi,” he said.

Some melodies enter our life for a little while. They belong to one verse. Others stay forever as they are part of our refrain, if not every verse. They suit a part of us, as we suit a part of them. We play together, sing together to find strength. Together we move mountains. Others are part of our entire melody, whether they play near you, or far away. As their notes echo out into eternity, they touch you, caress you, alert you, warn you, love you…they are always there for you. Their music grows stronger when they are closer in their minds and hearts, but the music never stops. As one, you will always play together, whether you know it or not. You are in this life together. Without each other you wouldn’t be. Yet, you may never meet each other. Your hands may never touch, your smiles never be recognized, but should you, you will know. On some level or another you will always hear the music.

THE END (…of Chapter II…)

To the notes I play with, the winds I fly with. You are me, my life and every verse of it.

Magic…

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Lethal weapons…

Legs are lethal weapons my dears. No, really, they are. I’ve come to this conclusion after wearing skirts and dresses during the first days of spring in London. Men, who have clearly suffered from leg abstinence all winter, get so excited they honk their horns and almost drive off the road. Not to mention scare me with their behavior so I almost topple over my boots and fall over. And if they pass you by on foot they may just get so distracted by trying to look at your legs they fall over themselves. It’s rather amusing watching men going loopy like this, but it is nonetheless a dangerous sport. I may have to resume my trousers until they’ve gotten used to the sunshine and gotten over this curious case of…leg…sunstroke.

I’ve also come to the conclusion that many other sports, other than leg watching that is, can be lethal, as they suck confidence right out of people if they don’t win. You see a game is about learning skills right? About constantly overcoming yourself to become better. Sometimes the learning, the game, is about strategy, teamwork, speed…you name it. However, in most games there is only one winner, or one team that wins. The thing is, without everyone playing, no one can win. Yet, the winner gets all the glory, even if it was all the other players that so to speak made it possible for this person to win, because without them, there’d be no game. And although we all invest our heart and soul in what we do and satisfaction comes from doing our best, I think the point is to live your love. To live your heart’s desire. To learn and grow thanks to that love and desire. I think if you do, you will cross paths with those that will appreciate your unique work. That may not be the whole world. And you may not be the winner of every game, but what you have to give to the game, that’s unique. That will make a difference to someone, or the game itself, if it comes from the heart. It’s the smallest cogwheel that makes the engine run.

That’s it folks…it’s all about games this week, my blogs. About playing. Playing from the heart. Seriously though ladies, be careful with playing sexy legs, because many men haven’t mastered the game of staring and keeping their eyes on the road at the same time. Play it safe…but of course…play it sexy…just not too sexy… And remember: the most lethal weapon of all…your heart. The essence of you. Not your legs. They’re just the erm…tease before the real striptease…

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When we get dirty – a hot topic…

Conflict. It’s everywhere. From your internal conflict about what to have to dinner to raging wars. It’s forces playing with each other in pleasant, or unpleasant ways. When you find your strongest inner desire and follow it with love in your heart, you find happiness if you are also leading a life in harmony with the rest of your inner and outer world. When two forces in the outside world meets though, unless they can co-exist, it is not always a peaceful victory with one force winning over another. Unlike finding your heart’s purpose and leaving learned impulses by the wayside, the defeated force in this case may not feel too great about it. Nor may the conquerer feel great if the way they conquered in was not attuned with their heart.

I have many times dodged conflict, because I’ve been unsure of how to deal with it in a pleasant way. This year, or rather the end of last year, marked an end to this. I decided it was time to stand up for myself.

Often when we meet people who are rude, inconsiderate, or act in ways that harm others it’s a real talent knowing how to deal with it. At times our first impulse if someone stares at us angrily, or offends us, is to hide; seek cover and feel frightened, or bad about ourselves. Not because we did anything bad, or because there is anything tangible to fear, but because we soak up their energy like melting butter on hot toast. We feel that there is a force greater than ours, which affects us negatively and this frightens us, so we run and hide to avoid it. Another impulse is to meet them at their level, using our force in the same way as they use theirs and throw hatred, obscenities, physical pain and whatever else in their direction, not to mention gloating if this comes their direction whether by our design or not. The third impulse and potentially the sanest one of the bunch is to stand convinced in your own shoes, filled with a great force of good and remain unaffected by their energy. Just because they are attacking you, you don’t become the inferior party. You realize your own superiority. A step further is then to convert the person to a nicer way of using their energy, but that doesn’t always work in the short term. It may also be a bigger picture – you may be able to convert a country to a new world view in a generation or two, but not the person ready to kill their neighbor.

I used to avoid conflict because a) I’m sensitive. I feel people’s energy and thoughts. b) Bad self-confidence. I believed everything was my fault and hence I often took on the role of the appeaser, or pleaser. My interest was to make people like me, so that I could know that I was good, or alright. I didn’t know how to evaluate myself independently so I believed whatever was thrown my way. I actually grew up thinking there was something wrong with me because I was bullied and my step-family disliked me. My instinct therefore was always to prove myself worthy of love and live up to others, not the other way around. c) I think negative thoughts of people and do gloat when things go to hell for them if I greatly dislike them and I don’t agree with this, so I tried avoiding it. If everyone was happy and acting from love, jealousy, greed and what have you would seize to exist. Hence, to wish for someone’s unhappiness just because they hurt you doesn’t help you, nor them, nor anyone else. If they heal and move forward in light, this will serve humanity more than them being punished. d) I’m unsure of what I think of punishment. I’m the first to agree that criminals should be taken off the streets, but I’m also the first to agree that education is the thing that will change the world. Education about love is the bottom line, but also wisdom. You can only walk the paths you can see, or feel. Most people are ignorant to the options of how to live life. They live as they were taught by their immediate surroundings.

To deal with conflict and there is always conflict, whether great or small, I believe we have to be strong. We have to know our path, so as not to get sidetracked by negative influences. We have to know our own self-worth so as not to get swallowed by others seeking to diminish us. We have to have enough force to meet and conquer the force coming towards us, or at least have the same amount of force. My fav Amelia Peabody (fictional character in Elizabeth Peters books) once said that marriage is the stalemate between two equal adversaries. It’s a lot more than that, but I believe a healthy relationship is formed between equal forces.

If a man beats you, you have to stop him from doing so – you have to have the force to conquer him and pin him down. However, if you beat him down – giving him as many blows as possible, not to defeat him, but to hurt him, you have put yourself on his level. This is the treachery of battle. There are many kinds of battle – rumors and gossip, feuds between employees, fights over men and women, the battle for power…and whether you like it or not you will probably find yourself in one or more of these and whether you started it, or not, remember that how you fight also determines who you are.

If you want to seek something and win it, I suggest you do so with purity in mind. Whatever becomes yours through use of negative energy, or manipulation alone, will never be yours at heart.

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The divine sexlife…

Sex

A bit of a pretentious headline mayhaps? But then again I guess I always saw the divine and everything else as one, or at least the possibility to experience the divine as part of life on Earth. Follow the divine in your heart and miracles will follow. That’s how I feel about it.

I also believe that the carnal enables the divine, rather than the opposite way around, if and only if, you are driven by love. We have been blessed by five very physical senses and those enable us to feel the pleasure of life on a carnal plane. I believe that’s divine.

If, on the other hand, carnal desires rule you, they will destroy your pleasure because it will be filled with guilt. If I eat chocolate because I love it, I will eat just enough to feel satisfied. If I eat it to suppress something else, I won’t enjoy it as something else is bugging me and the likelihood is that I will overeat and feel guilt as it isn’t serving my body, my temple on Earth. If I want sex and just sex it’s like having sex with only five of a hundred emotions possible, whereas if you look for the divine in sex and the person you are with, if there is love, so for a stranger, that’s very, very different. If you see the divine within it I mean.

Most of us are quite numb to love and the divine as we are busy surviving, our focus entirely on the plane of the carnal. Society teaches us a path that is often very harsh, very numbing. Life seems hard, unfair and very frightening. Moving forward together in love and light…well that sounds like a hippie phrase, not based in reality. Co-operation across the globe for a better tomorrow seems far fledged when people debate the size of cucumbers allowed across borders and shoot others because 2000 years ago there was a division of the land. People are brought up with a mentality that doesn’t necessarily focus on worshipping the divine in life and each other.

I came across this article today, which inspired this post. I didn’t really come across it. It was more like shoved in my face by my best friend. It’s about worshipping the divine in women, the feminine. Although you probably all know by now that I can’t stand the talk that the feminine is superior to the masculine, as we all have superior qualities and balance between the two is my personal theory of superiority (yin and yang), I do love this article. It’s a bit long and winding, but it has a few points, the main being that within a woman there is the sacred feminine. in her core. For a man to reach there, there are a few gates he has to pass through. He has to have the patience and the willingness to get there. In the same way I believe there is a way to the masculine divinity within a man.

I also believe the article touches upon another great point, namely that in each thing, each being, there is a teacher, or a source of wisdom, if you are only willing to learn. A tree will speak to me if I study it, as will a man. And I don’t mean speak in words, but by observing we will learn. We will learn what makes a tree strong. We will learn what makes a man strong. In the same way we will learn what will break a tree and what will break a man. Sometimes it’s good to be like the tree, sometimes it’s good to be like the man. And maybe, just maybe, if you listen to your own heart it will tell you the same tales through your sixth sense if you are open and loving. I believe love protects you and guides you.

To have the patience to enter the divine in each being, in each thing, is a blessing. It’s a blessing because you will discover a world of beauty and magic. It takes a lot of patience though. A lot of silent belief in each and everything. Personally, whether I am trying to get to know a dog, a child, or a man I just sit down and wait. I put myself in a state of calm and openness and I wait. Sooner or later most animals and humans sense the calm and they open up in a positive way. Sometimes this leads to telepathy as well as you become open to their feelings and thoughts, for better or worse you become a channel through which their energy passes.

Who a person is in their heart, unless they are very attuned with themselves and open, is not who they will act out at all times. This is why it takes time to get to the divine of a person – ideally it would be seen easily by all, because everyone would be living it.

And divine sex….uhm…welll, I think it is heart to heart, soul to soul, feeling love and compassion in your heart whilst making love. All gates open whilst making love and appreciating the sex and the feelings it brings to your body and to your partner. To feel thankful for the divine in the carnal.

 

 

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