Even when you are at rock bottom there is always a turning of the page; a new leaf. Some situations seem hopeless, but few are.
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I’ve been writing a lot as of late. You know, clients want everything from dating books to articles about near death experiences. Which is nothing compared to topics like how Google’s Penguin version whatever will affect SEO. Which still is nothing compared to men’s biological reactions to women. It taught me a lot that article. I also believe the idea for the topic came from me. I just had no idea how complicated men are. Though when you translate it to normal English, all you need to remember as a woman is short skirts and adventure. The rest works itself out. Oh and keeping the lights on.
I write a lot for others. And sometimes it gets too much. Whilst I’m passionate about writing, doing it ten to twelve hours a day can get hectic. So I don’t really blog those days. Today, however, I applied for a job writing satire/fake news articles and very much enjoyed coming up with a few just for fun. I think I might have shot myself from every angle though, because my news were so fake they were fake. You see, I turned Kanye’s daughter into a son and sent the article before I caught the mistake. I tend not to read the tabloids…so there goes my chance of the job. I somehow managed to take the piss of both the republicans and the democrats as well, so whether the potential client is a democrat or a republican doesn’t matter – I’m screwed either way as they don’t know that I favor blow jobs over violating human rights. I also wrote about topics you just don’t talk about (so un-PC you know), but it’s no worse than Cards Against Humanity. Besides, so long as Sarah Palin doesn’t run for presidency after marrying Kanye West, we will all be OK.
So without any further ado, find my sense of humor below. And bear in mind I’m joking. I don’t have anything against these people, apart from Zuma.
South African President Jacob Zuma announced his resignation today. Many South Africans have been waiting for this for years. Mr. Zuma who has, amongst other things, been tried for rape confessed that his decision comes after seeing the ghost of Nelson Mandela. Mandela reportedly told him that he will have to pay back for all his sins after he dies, unless he starts paying them back now. Mr. Zuma immediately decided to give up his multi-million dollar mansion, which he was accused of having paid for with tax payers’ money, and moved to a nearby township. Doctors are frightened that Mr. Zuma has lost his mind, but the general consensus in South Africa seems to be that he has finally found it.
Hillary Clinton has launched a campaign to win over the republicans: she has decided to include God’s judgment in every sentence she speaks. We wonder how Bill will feel when she says “Oh God” in the bedroom? Like she’s going down on a republican?
It’s been revealed that Kanye West has had a secret crush on Beyonce since forever. It finally came to light as Beyonce is now pregnant with his baby. Close friends to Kanye says the baby will be named Beyond West. We wonder how North West will feel about the news when she’s older? After all, could there possibly be anything beyond the daughter of Kim and Kanye?
Justin Timberlake announced in a press release today that he has secretly longed to become a woman for many years and has finally decided to go ahead with the surgery. He will eat hormones as required, but apparently does not need to retrain his voice to have it reach a higher pitch. Experts say he already sounds like a woman. Jessica Biel fully supports his decision.
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I know. Comes as a real shock that I consider you a sexy beast, doesn’t it? Or maybe not. Maybe you always knew somewhere deep down inside what a sexy beast I think you are. Because you are. And it’s about time you knew it.
Have you ever noticed how easy it is to find a perfect stranger perfectly attractive, but very difficult to keep the attraction alive with the guy or gal you’ve dated for some time? Because, well, you’ve discovered they aren’t perfect.
Every person has something that will annoy the hell out of you and family members and partners are sometimes the most annoying because they are the ones who think they know what’s best for you. They also happen to be the ones that feel extremely offended by your actions if they are not the kind that make them feel loved. And so starts a pattern where you get caught up in one disagreement or another. You didn’t take out the dishes. You are never home on time. You don’t care. And sooner than we know it, when we think about the person we love, we see a black cloud in front of their image. It’s a cloud we seem unable to disconnect from and it distorts how we see the relationship as a whole.
The truth is, we are all different. We have different ways of expressing love. We believe different things in life are good or bad. We have different life philosophies. And sometimes that one thing that bugs us like crazy blinds us to everything that we love in a person.
I’ve done a lot of research into relationships as of late. I was commissioned to write a book and my company is in the dating niche, so I’ve decided to get educated. The recurring theme? Everyone who starts focusing on what they love about their partner and telling them what they do right, as opposed to what they do wrong seem to get extraordinary results. This also involves accepting the praise they receive from their partner and appreciate their gestures of love. Furthermore, it involves acknowledging that the main reason your partner complains about something is because it makes them feel unloved, or they fear they will lose you, as opposed to them actually disliking you or not appreciating you. And if you happen to be particularly scarred yourself, you might feel certain comments more than necessary. Likewise, it’s probably not them doing this or that which annoys you, but what you make up that means.
Another thing that seems highly effective is to ask for things in a positive manner, as opposed to nag when someone doesn’t do something. Funny that, don’t you think? “Darling, why do you always wear ugly clothes? I feel you don’t love me because you never dress up for me.” As opposed to “Darling, I think you’d be irresistibly sexy in a suit. Do you think you could wear one for that engagement we have on Friday? It would seriously turn me on. And I just feel like you care when you dress up for me.” Which comment will get the best results? And you also see the easy misunderstandings in those comments, don’t you? The woman is feeling like he doesn’t care as he doesn’t dress up for her, whilst, in all likelihood, he has no clue. And if she starts nagging, he will just feel she doesn’t appreciate him for who he is (someone who generally doesn’t dress up) and it’s very unlikely he will ever get dressed up.
It’s easy to get caught up in what we believe people are doing wrong; how we think they don’t care. because if they really cared, they shouldn’t have treated us the way they did. And we keep focusing on that, keep feeling unloved, so we keep nagging.
Whilst I may slave to please people I don’t necessarily honor them because I don’t truly focus on their greatness. I focus on how they can become better people and how the relationship can get better. I focus on what I need to do better. I never just relax and enjoy myself. I suffer a serious disorder called perfectionism.
There are many problems in many relationships we have with people. Almost no relationship is smooth sailing. If we decide to loose course because of the bumps along the road is up to us though. Usually new relationships are so great because we focus on all the good things in who we have just met. If we want to keep the relationships great, we are going to have to keep doing that. That’s not to say we stop communicating our needs, or ignore the problems, it’s to say we solve them with a large dose of love and understanding. We have to choose to honor the people in our lives. We have to choose to keep seeing the sexy beast that first attracted us.
We only have so much time with people. Make it count. Bring out their sexy beast and appreciate them for it. You will thank yourself later.
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In wake of the recent plane crash in the Alps with Germanwings, the low budget KLM airline, there has been a lot of media attention. Like so many others I have followed it on and off to try to figure out why anyone would willingly crash a plane into a mountain and what procedures airlines will take to prevent similar things from happening in the future. You realize that even when things have been thought about at length, like airline security procedures, there are more variables to take into account. It’s what we call evolution – you look at the airplanes of yesterday and the airplanes of today and you see how much has changed. What hit me the most when listening to the news just now though is how strangely the world deal with things like the recent accident.
The reporter from the news channel had flown to Germany to visit the town where several of the teenagers and teachers who had been killed were from. She talked about the grief and how long it would take for the town to recover. The newsclip was about grief.
We all grieve when we lose someone. I believe it’s one of the hardest thing you can go through as a human being – to lose someone you love. Yet, how we often deal with it seems kind of crazy.
When I think about life and how to live it I often think of the native American Indians. I am sure some tribes were brutal and there are many things I do not know of them, but they always spring to mind when I think of living in harmony with nature and life itself. Today many of us are so far removed from our natural habitat that it seems we are at odds with life itself. Then again, it can be argued we were more in touch with nature in medieval times and I for one am not keen to relive them. There have been many brutal ages of human kind and while we speak of brutality today, it is often less than it once was. Have a look at the Romans and you will know what I mean. Anyone want a sip of Gladiator blood to increase fertility? Not to mention the average life span back then – maybe half your children would have died before they were ten.
Then again, the Romans, though closer to nature than your average city dweller today, were not necessarily living in harmony with it. There is a difference.
I have many times been at odds with how life works and the brutality that exists in nature itself. Even if you live in the most peaceful of tribes, never killing an animal, you will see it in the animal kingdom. Apparently there used to be a bird here where my dad lives that was ostracized because it had a short tail. The other birds mocked it. And many animals feed on other animals. It’s how they survive. On top of that there’s disease, natural catastrophes, and so on.
The beauty of humanity? We have the choice to help the ostracized bird. My dad and his girlfriend used to feed it. Having been bullied myself as a kid I can tell you the difference it makes when someone stops, sees you and truly love you for who you are. Unless someone shows you, you will not learn to love yourself. And it is in that love I see the beauty of life.
The only thing that makes sense to me spiritually is to see us all as part of a living Earth where death is simply moving on to something else. Whilst we will still mourn those we lose in this life, knowing they move on would give one peace. Likewise, knowing that separation is only temporary makes it much more understandable. I travel in this life, I’m not always next to everyone I love, but knowing they are well and happy and I will see them soon, gives me peace. And whilst I am not with them, I am thrilled to discover more people who I love. If you see life as a continuous opportunity for love, then life becomes beautiful.
Another thing that brings peace is coming to terms with life, no matter what it is and rejoice in the good things. For me to sit and mope about the cruelty of certain aspects of life brings me nowhere. I only hold onto negativity as opposed to exploring the positive and joyous aspects of life. A lot of human grief comes from our unwillingness to accept what is. Instead we condemn it and replay it in our minds over and over again, torturing ourselves. We also often hold onto yesterday or work towards something which is yet to come. And whilst working towards things bring meaning, you have to also enjoy whatever you can in the moment. We all go through terrors where we do live for tomorrow, but under normal circumstance we have to embrace today.
So what struck me about the news today was that everyone seemed to linger with disaster. There were no reports about celebrating the lives of those who lived. There were no news about people coming together to celebrate those who are still with us. There were no news about lovers turning to each other whispering how grateful they are for another day together.
The reason I think of American Indians is because I imagine them living so close to nature that they are aware of the cycle of life and accepts it for what it is. They grieve loss, but also celebrate a life. And they believe that a life lost will soon be reborn in the shape of another man. They stand close together as a society, supporting each other through life. There is no one sitting alone in a corner grieving, unless they need that space to be alone. We all have to face ourselves. I realized that more than ever in the past few weeks when I finally had time to process events from the past fifteen months. I needed that to heal, but I also need love. Compassion. The warmth of understanding. The knowledge that there are people around me to support me and love me in my journey through life. You don’t just need a partner – you need a tribe of people who understand and support you. People whose love you can celebrate in the moment. And you need wisdom to guide you.
I hope that the recent airplane crash in the Alps will be used to bring families together and to further develop flight procedures to ensure safety for travelers all over the world. It’s incredibly sad what has happened and as anyone who has lost a near one, I have the utmost sympathy for those who are now grieving, along with everyone else around the world who have lost someone dear in the past few days, weeks and months. I just hope that from every loss we learn to love with a deeper strength. That we open our hearts instead of putting up invisible walls. The more love you have the more easily will you heal.
I hope that we will start rebuilding tribes in every city. That we will have various communities we can all belong to. Look at The Blue Zones (and the Wikipedia article), where people live the longest. They all speak of community. There are many different opinions and ways of life in bigger cities, but I believe we can all build communities of likeminded souls within them. I also believe that love will form as a bridge between the different tribes/communities.
This week two people performed random acts of kindness in my life – one lawyer whom I do not know decided to go through a legal document for me at no cost. A social media friend on the other hand is trying to get me into a big publication because he loves my writing. As I said to him – it’s one thing to compliment me for my writing, it’s another to go out of your way to help me get a gig. These so-called random acts of kindness is to me what makes humanity human. When first filling yourself with love and secondly sharing that love with others we can build a society where our main focus is not who is the best, but how we together can create a better tomorrow. We all have an equally important role to fulfill, should we accept it.
Opinions matter less than love too. Once love is shared you realize that behind each set of beliefs there is the most basic of human needs.
To find peace we also have to determine what we believe in – how we choose to see and deal with life, whilst also accepting that our beliefs will evolve as we do. I, for one, believe in closeness with nature, acceptance of life and death and everything in between, celebration of life and looking at life through the eyes of love. To seek to do each task with love. To step beyond preconceptions, believes and fears and act from that place. I will not always succeed, but it is my belief I will feel the best when I do. It is also my belief that life does go on. That we are on a journey that spans far beyond this Earth.
After I recently asked myself if it is fair to put a child to life I have stumbled upon books and articles about reincarnation and near death experiences. This article about scientific studies done around near death experiences (NDEs) is wholly fascinating. http://www.salon.com/2012/04/21/near_death_explained/
Sex, life love. Love, sex, life. Life, love sex.
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I’ve loved the word naughty for as long as I can remember. In the States I believe “cheeky” might be a better translation, but it’s not quite right. Because naughty, well it’s just filled with fun, a bit of a tease, pleasure and cheek. Whilst I loved it, I didn’t always live it and often sought it from outer sources. People I looked to as being naughty. People who lived in ways I dared not because I was too frighten to be free.
What hit me today is that there is a huge difference between giving and pleasing. You give of yourself because you are filled with love and you want to offer your gifts, whether in the bedroom or in business. When you please you are often coming from a space of fear – you have a need to please someone and constantly evaluate if you’ve been successful or not.
Whilst giving your gifts often end up with a result of giving pleasure, in whatever way, there is no fear of rejection, of not being good enough, or not being worthy of giving your gifts to someone. You can still learn new things, we all learn constantly if we choose to and we all have to apologize at times for not knowing something and making poor choices due to that, but that doesn’t mean what you have now is not good enough. If you give your all you give the biggest gift you have – you. Wherever you are at in your journey.
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Another thing that hit me this week was that we are responsible for our own thoughts (old news sometimes hit you full force. Again). Well, that actually hit me last week and I mentioned it in my last post too, but I have pondered it every day since. Things happen to us in life, but how we look upon them is always up to us. We can live a pretty happy life if we choose to accept life for what it is and flow with it. That’s not the same as saying you won’t solve obstacles, rather the contrary, but you don’t go about moping because there are obstacles.
For me this has been important to acknowledge because I see how different I respond to things when I’m in different states of mind. Last year when things got hectic I got pretty thrown off track and suddenly I did not have the same energy I usually do to respond to things pleasantly. I took upon me other people’s suffering and suffered with them, instead of staying steady in a space of love, acknowledging the only life I am responsible for is, ultimately, my own.
I always teach the youth at Little Angels that what someone says about you is not necessarily the truth and therefore, you have to know the truth in your heart. When someone tells you that you are beautiful you become their slave if you feel ugly and desperately need their praise. You probably disregard their not so nice sides, just to hear you are beautiful. If, on the other hand, they tell you that you are ugly and you believe them, you give them the power to hurt you. But if you know inside who you are, then others do not influence you in the same way.
When teaching the youth I always compare someone coming up to you and telling you that you are stupid to someone coming up to you and telling you that you are an alien. If someone told you that you are an alien you would laugh, or think the person delusional. If you don’t think the same when they say you are stupid, you are probably questioning your own self-worth.
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The truth is, you don’t have to be smart, stupid, or anything else in this life. Who you are and what you do, so long as you cause no harm, is your prerogative, but since childhood we were taught to compete and compare ourselves to others. Whilst it is lovely to seek wisdom and learn to love, it’s less lovely to always feel inadequate. You can’t be the best in everything and the best doesn’t really exist. We live in an ever evolving universe. We think that to be the gold medal winner in something means everything, when in fact it means very little. How you live your day on a day to day basis and how happy you are with that life means a lot more. How you can deal with everything life throws at your doorstep. The sprinter who can lose a leg and still be happy is a lot more successful than the gold medal sprinter who comes home to an unhappy home and runs only so as to try to run away from things. The footballer who plays because he enjoys the game is a lot happier than the one who plays only to win.
The more freely you can live, appreciating what you have rather than striving for what you do not have, the happier you will be. There’s a huge “goal disillusion” happening in the world today. Yes, every day I get up and do my best to take one step closer to opening the doors to my business and making enough money through my writing to live comfortably, but if I start stressing about it, or waiting to be happy till that day comes, I miss out on my life. It’s only when we let go that we truly achieve.
I learnt this lesson a long time ago. In a hot tub in Hollywood. But as lessons go sometimes we forget. Last year I forgot many things because I felt like I was trying to stand in the middle of an Earthquake and rather than letting go, I was holding on, making myself a lot more unstable. And had it not been for the lessons I’d learnt I would probably have fallen, but it would be a lie to say I tapped into those lessons masterfully. I did not. I held onto them, but I didn’t embrace them. I was too busy trying to stand up straight.
In the past week I feel like I’ve regained my equilibrium and started to fully take responsibility for my thoughts and actions again. I’m no longer irritable because my wounds are no longer aching. For months, if you touched me the wrong way I felt like I was falling apart. It’s like putting a person recovering from a cold in an icy lake – there’s no resistance. The cold comes straight back.
I realized that there are people in my life that will never understand certain aspects of my life and rather than being angry about that, I can choose to embrace what they do give me. I don’t have to let their negativity affect me. If my wound is hurting though and their negativity comes, I don’t always keep it together. I get angry, because I feel like defending myself. I’m not whole in myself, so criticism then hurts. When I am whole, I no longer get angry because their words are like someone comparing me to an alien – I don’t care, because I’m happy.
I think when people embrace who they are lovingly and also embrace what they love they come alive. Today my dad started talking about his friend who went fishing and whilst he was moping about not being able to go as he had to do something else, he was fully alive. Because he loves the ocean, being outdoors and fishing. So he was tracing his friend with a GPS and looking to see if he could catch him with the binoculars. It was hilarious, but it was also like watching someone come alive.
The last guy I dated, I have this favorite memory of. He talked about new snow. And he looked fully alive, expectant…like a kid on Christmas morning. It’s beautiful.
In the same way we all come alive when we embrace who we are and what we love, lovingly. And when we choose to approach people with love in whatever we do, it makes a huge difference. Every conversations we have, whether in life, love, or business, can be had with love. Often our emotions get triggered and we do anything but. We also make assumptions. Assumptions that people don’t care, that they try to screw us over and so on and so forth. We let anger build up and then we communicate. Or we respond to their anger with more anger or sadness and blame, because we let their anger or hurt get to us. We let it hurt us.
I grew up protecting myself from anger, hurt, blame, shame…I didn’t really know how to live in a space of love continuously. I wanted to please others as a result, trying to avoid more hurt, shame, blame and anger. I never gave of myself freely, feeling comfortable with that. I just tried to please to avoid the hurt. I became shy and closed off. I felt like a victim at the same time as I tried to take charge of myself, becoming a better version of me. Curing myself of whatever was wrong with me. Not that there was anything wrong with me, but that was what I thought.
Habits are easy to fall back into, but there is nothing much to gain from it. I want to be free, giving freely. I want to love myself and respond to others with love, not give them the power to make me act from a place of hurt and anger. I no longer want to criticize myself and others, standing like the judge, as I felt people did in my childhood. I want to be free and I want to give the same freedom to others. I just want to live. Live out all my naughtiness and wonder…
N.B. I’ve been working on a book about dating for women as, well, I was hired to do so. In my research I have revisited favorite books of mine like The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz and I also came across another book which made a big impact on me: Hold Me Tight – Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. This post has been inspired by such books. They come highly recommended, though I haven’t read all of Hold Me Tight – Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.
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Hello darlings, I’m back. Yes, I know it’s only been hours since I last visited (well, at least when I started writing, now it’s more like days) and you must be thrilled. Personally I just had some flashback to Morocco and wish I was visiting there. The climate is a lot more agreeable in certain parts of Morocco than in Sweden. And the mint tea is divine. Not to mention the food and the architecture. The haggling, on the other hand, is a nuisance, though I’m quite good at it. I exasperated quite a few salesmen during my stay there. I refused paying any more than 30-50% of the asking price you see. Some were infuriated, some were impressed. However, most would probably not want to see me again.
The reason I am visiting my blog is not because of Morocco though. No, it’s because I wanted to explain my last blog. You see, since last year I have been experiencing quite a lot of emotional pain. Not depression, not unhappiness, but pain. It started with contracting RSI in my hands after saying that I was going to adopt the twins and set up my business in California. It seemed like so big goals that even I got frightened and, hence, ended up with pain because I was so scared I wouldn’t reach my goals and then I would be a real failure to my own mind. The pain then frightened me like crazy because, well, I was handicapped. I was lucky, or should I say desperate though, and I never accepted a problem not to have a solution, so after many unsuccessful treatments, I searched and found Dr Sarno’s book about TMS and the mind body prescription. Basically Sarno talks about how “do-gooders” and “perfectionists” especially often end up with pain or disease as they have a lot of anger from the pressure they feel to do good, as well as always being nice to people, even if they behave like assholes. Usually this is in combination with childhood wounds.
I was raised to be perfect – to always find the flaws and improve. I was also bullied in school and had a step-mom who didn’t treat me particularly nice, so I feared others opinion of me. Feared I was as bad as they made me out to be. So since I was a kid I’ve been an improvement project. I didn’t even understand love as I thought you had to be perfect to obtain it, but of course no one is perfect at everything. I could never soak up love that came without reason, because I felt it was a deluded kind of love. The love my grandparents had for me, which seemed to be they loved me for no particular reason, though of course I still held onto that love. When praised I was also always quick to point out what I could do better.
It was only when I had an epiphany in a hot tub when I was twenty-seven that I was free to explore life, that I started understanding love. It was then I realized that life is my gift; I don’t have to do, or be anything. I can just enjoy this gift. I can live in a state of love without doing anything. It still took till I got to Africa and receiving the joy of living a life more aligned with my dreams and receiving the love of the people there that I really healed.
The problem is old thoughts are like slippery slopes. So whenever I am in a situation which triggers any kind of childhood wounds even though I’m aware I’m free to live my life as I please, loving myself and others, I slip, tumbling down the mountain, forgetting all about my awareness. Sooner than you know it I’m trapped in my old thought patterns again, trying to please everyone around me, be better and do more, whilst disliking myself for not being better and achieving more.
Last year is a perfect example of me falling down the hill – first by setting goals and panicking as I feared failing. I mean, it wasn’t the smallest of goals. Then a lot of shit went down at Little Angels and the twins went through their emotional journey which I was trying to help them through and rather than feeling good about what I was doing for myself and others, I felt bad about it. I wanted to do more. And as about ten different things were happening, not unexpectedly, I couldn’t deal with everything in one go. I was so over-stretched I was about to snap.
I left for Cali by the end of the year to move forward with my business, which is the long term solution I have to pursue and want to pursue. It’s my passion. Still, I woke up every morning worrying about things happening in Africa and feeling guilty I wasn’t there. I was in pain. I still felt personally responsible for things that were unrelated to me. I wanted to give more than I had. I blamed myself for things that were absolutely out of my control. I also have a tendency to take on people’s suffering and consider it my own – due to my childhood I know suffering and when I see it, I want to help so badly I start suffering. Furthermore, I started wondering what the hell was wrong with the world – rather than seeing the spiritual journey of life and the natural cycle of life and death, I saw suffering. I saw death. I saw pain. Even the thought of nature being one big chain of animals eating animals started bugging me. Why? Why so much cruelty? I have worked pretty damn hard to be grounded in nature and see life for what it is, accepting it for what it is, but I had been pretty shaken last year. My footing was no longer the best. I believe post traumatic stress is a pretty apt term when you have seen some of life’s horrors and not quite yet processed them all.
The point I’m making is that when I came back to Sweden I finally had some time to process all this and it hurt. As I was suffering jet lag I spent the nights worrying about the twins and dreaming nightmares. I also had a recurring UTI so I was literally in pain too. In the States I was dating someone and my best friend was there as well, as were other friends, so by the end of the day if my love tank ran low and I had a fit about whatever news I’d had from Africa that day, there was someone to counter-act my feelings around it. There was someone to hug me. There was someone to show me love and kindness existed. In Sweden my family does not understand my path in life, so whilst they love me, I always have to explain every choice I make, whilst being lectured on why I should lead a different life. So if I had any thoughts I wasn’t doing enough, going home triggers about fifty more. I love my family and appreciate them and everything they do for me, they are just somewhat different from me (as well as very similar in some aspects, of course), so they worry about all the things I do. And to tell them my worries would lead to them worrying and then a lecture, not a hug.
Now, you may be reading this thinking I’m ridiculous. Well, guess what? I am. What I finally realized whilst battling my thoughts in Sweden is that I am responsible for those very thoughts. To share an example – I cannot sit suffering because my friend relapsed and I didn’t manage to get them to rehab and debate what I could have done differently. I can’t suffer because fifty kids need food and I can only feed two. I can’t suffer because I want to change things today when realistically it will take a year. I can’t feel bad when I do my best. I make mistakes too. I can’t always foresee the future. I’m human. And if someone thinks it’s not good enough, then that’s their problem, not mine. And if people think I go to LA to live the life and party, then that’s most certainly their issue, not mine. Though I think it would be good for me if I could, for once, accept good things happening to me and go partying instead of working all night. If I could learn to accept love from all angles and not continuously think I have to achieve more to do so.
I’m starting to feel peace for the first time in a long while. I no longer feel like I’m about to have a heart attack, which is a relief. I miss people in the States and in Cape Town, sure, and I may start having vivid conversations with the seagulls out here shortly, but being in the middle of nowhere made me face myself. And that was much needed.
I think I’m pretty wonderful. Even if sales people in Morocco would be bound to disagree. None of us are ever going to be everyone’s wet dream. And given DiCaprio is now dating Rihanna, I don’t even think I’m going to get on his list. There went that one. The only wet dream I really wanna be in is my soulmate’s though. And he’s bound to love me even if I am just the way I am. Just like that.
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So I look at you and I see a human with a heart and a soul, and a few wounds that might infect me if I touch them. You see if I touch your wounds you will probably try to poison me. Don Miguel Ruiz says our bodies are covered with wounds from past experiences. Events that have left emotional scars due to how we interpreted them. Unless you knew you were a heart and soul, when your pre-school teacher told you that you were stupid, you believe them. So you got a wound. You were hurt because what you received was not love and you, having no reason to think otherwise, believed your pre-school teacher to be telling the truth. You created a wound by accepting the words to be true and making up that you were less than others.
As far as I know the only way to heal wounds is with love.
Sometimes to cure a wound you might go back in time to understand why something happened, but what heals it is to use a large dose of love in the process of understanding. If you don’t change your point of view to a loving one, chances are you will only revel in your own pain and sorrow. It’s a similar difference between talking about problems and looking for solutions. If you are looking for solutions you don’t look at the problems with anger, hatred, or sadness – you look upon them from a place of love. And then you move the hell on when you’ve found a solution. Same with healing wounds – it’s important to leave the past behind.
These points of view, or filters if you so like, apply to everything you do. Everything you look at. It’s great doing an inventory to check how you look upon everything in your life. Chances are you see your life, each and every situation, through the filter of past experiences and, thus, react habitually. I know I for one often do.
A perfect example of habitual reactions is spending time with your family. You react to them through a filter from the past. It’s rare people decide to take responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings around family. If uncle Harry is once again going at you with a personal attack because he is a conservative and you are living an indecent life in his opinion, then chances are he will still rattle you today if he rattled you in your teens. In your teens you were a lot more insecure, just finding your feet in life, so you felt threatened by uncle Harry and decided he was mean. Unless you can now chuckle, thinking uncle Harry a silly old man, you are allowing him to control your feelings. You have stopped taking responsibility. And whilst we can all agree that spending time around negative influences doesn’t do us a world of good, uncle Harry might actually think he is trying to save you from yourself by talking some sense into you. He might, in fact, be loving you. He might also not be the most aware person on the planet, so his love and advice might not be the purest of the pure; really meaning he is wounded and sees life and therefore gives advice drawing from the experiences that created his wounds. Uncle Harry is, however, doing the best with what he has.
I wasn’t going to talk about how you view uncle Harry though, or how you view situations in life, but rather how you view yourself. On the one hand you are a flawed person because like everyone and their dog you have wounds. And unless you are in charge of yourself 100% these wounds will at times come to infect other people and the Earth, not unlike uncle Henry when he tells you how to live your life and you get angry with him and tell him to sod off. On the other hand you are a heart and soul and you have the ability to give someone orgasms. You my dear is an orgasm waiting to happen to someone. I find this profound. You are a treasure.
I do, however, not suggest that you tell uncle Harry this when arguing with him. It will only feed his ideas that you are lost in some free living artistic bohemia, which is most unsuitable. You might even be laughing your life away, when you could seriously be slaving in an office. It’s grim, very grim. I want you to think about this next time you open a bottle of wine on a Friday night. Don’t enjoy yourself too much and don’t give anyone an orgasm. Uncle Harry might faint.
It’s truly criminal how great you are. I might have to arrest you.
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