So here I am in a flat in Hollywood, living the dream as they say…only the dream never quite goes as planned, does it?
As a kid I dreamed of becoming a doctor and going to Africa to save the children. Then I fell in love with a dancer at the age of fourteen. He was damn hot and I was a geek, so I realized I’d never get him unless a miracle happened. Yet, when another girl in my class fell in love with him, I felt the need to confess to her my feelings. I always was honest to a fault. So I ran up to her during PE, made my confession and asked if she wouldn’t like to learn how to dance too? She did. So we started dancing together, fell out of love with the guy, but in love with dancing. We became best friends and decided to become Actors and move to NYC together. A few years later I got into NYU, but the fees were to high, so we went to London instead to study acting and directing there.
In the meantime I also read an article about Richard Branson and fell in love with entrepreneurialism (and Branson). So I decided to do that too. Become an Entrepreneur that is.
Finally, after many ifs, buts and maybes, we ended up in LA, studying film. Stoked to finally be this side of the pond we have realized that living the dream ain’t that easy. You might wake up in LA, but your purse is still empty and you still ain’t having dinner with Di Caprio. In fact, you aren’t even serving coffee to Di Caprio. Instead you are fighting to get your first ever company up and running, your first ever novel finished, your first ever movie completed and your first ever epiphany that would finally sort your head out. Nonetheless, you can’t help but smile like some sort of maniac as you run down the hills on your morning jog with the wind playing in your hair and the sun painting your cheeks red, because after all, you are in Hollywood.
In this blog I will share with you, the reader, anything and everything that crosses my mind/path that I find thought provoking, or fun.
Why This Blog…Why Now???..
This summer I was living in Sweden – taking time out to arrange to move to LA after having lived in London for six years and during my time in Sweden a few things happened that made me want to talk to the world. Say what I have to say. Maybe someone would listen, understand, share their point of view with me, but more than anything I just wanted to speak, so that I had peace of mind that at least I had tried to express myself. Below is the first “post” I wrote during summer:
So I went to a regular gyn check-up. The ones you do more out of duty than a sense of emergency. So I did it. And forgot about it. They were supposed to send me a letter within a week if I had Chlamydia or HIV. Apparently I didn’t.
Then my sister calls me when I’m on vacation in London. “You got a letter from the doctor’s.” Really?! Maybe I had HIV or Chlamydia after all?! Very unlikely… “Well, open it.” So she read me the letter. I was welcome back for a closer check-up. I had cell changes.
Cell changes happen often. Nothing to freak out about. But it could be cancer. My mom died from cancer when I was six. I’m not my mom. I live a very different lifestyle. I have educated myself about health. I eat well. I exercise. I spend time outside almost every day. I meditate. Yet, I had cell changes. Immediately I started eating even more raw foods and do prayer therapy, as described in “The Power Of Your Subconscious Mind” by Dr Joseph Murphy. I forgave everyone I had ever had any issues with (well, I did my best). I did everything I could to heal myself. I didn’t think it was something to worry about. I didn’t “feel” it. My intuition told me I was fine. Yet, I was scared. I just got into UCLA, I was about to get my visa and move to LA, I was happier and more confident than ever – I had no intention of going dying.
Then I got home from my vacation in London. My grandma had fallen and was walking around all dizzy (like real dizzy, not dizzy like me, lol). And if she was negative about old age and her present life before, now she hit another low. Everything was wrong. And I am living with her over summer. So I ran errands for my grandma, I took her to the doctor’s, I did the shopping, I cleaned the flat and so on. More than anything I tried closing my ears to the negativity and installing something positive.
My other grandma, let’s call her gran to avoid confusion, was still hospitalized since a few weeks back and will be for the rest of her life. As my mom died young, gran became my “mom”. She has taught me everything from French to how to bake cakes. I used to call her for advice on just about anything. Now she walks around in fantasy land. Thankfully she still remembers me, but she can’t give me advice. Right now she thinks she’s teaching the cat French and that she has lived in Paris. When I got back from London she seemed to be getting happier in her fantasy world because she was no longer all that aware that there was a real world that she could no longer access, but I was still mourning. To lose her is one of the biggest losses of my life.
I also work for “hemtjänsten” which means I go around to peoples’ homes helping them with everything from dressing their wounds to doing their shopping. I’m a nurse and a maid. One minute I feel like “Florence Nightingale to the rescue,” the next I’m having an argument with a senile man about whether he is supposed to eat his lunch or not. It’s an interesting job to have for a summer. In either case, at work they told us one of our patients has MRSA. The bacteria you shouldn’t have. If I had it they wouldn’t let me into the States. We all got tested. The result would take about a week. Around the same time as my next gyn examination.
As all this was going on I was also filling in three hundred papers for the US Embassy and the Swedish governmental student aid organization. If there is one thing I hate it’s paperwork. I’m dizzy remember?! It all seems to be flying around in my head, I get scared I will fill it in the wrong way and a seemingly simple task totally freaks me out. I don’t know how I survived working as a PA to a CEO. I need a PA myself. It would save me doing the things I’m seemingly incapable of remembering anyway. Like checking bank statements and that kind of thing.
All the while I kept envisioning myself in LA, outside LAX, having survived this whole application process and, quite literally, still being alive and well. WELL. Super charged, healthy, happy and stoked to be back in LA – this time not for a visit, but to study there. Study film. I had dreamt of that moment for almost ten years.
Suddenly it dawned on me how much I loved life. I’ve always said it, but now I GOT it. I wanted to keep eating sun-ripened pears. I wanted to keep my lovely body. I wanted to re-experience he feeling of sitting in a steam, of throwing myself into big waves by the beach, of sunbathing… I wanted to jump through leaves in fall, go snowboarding in winter, watch the first flowers in spring and jump through waves in summer. I wanted to bite into another delicious raw meal. Eat another home cooked chicken. I wanted to find my soul mate and have a family. Do the things career wise that I want to do. Suddenly nothing mattered but living. Of really doing whatever I felt like 24/7. And I felt like talking to the world. I’ve always felt like talking to the world. I’ve just been too damn scared to do so.
That’s why this blog now. Because I’m alive and I’m living. And I want to share that life – share what I know, what I think about, how I overcome hurdles and how much wonderful things there are in this life.
The gyn exam told me I looked fine, but further tests were taken and in worst case scenario a small operation. No full blown cancer. I’m still alive. I can still have babies.
The papers all got filled out.
My grandma is still negative and I’m learning to deal with it. I’m learning to accept her for who she is. She raised us. She was lovely. She has gone bitter and I can’t change it. I can’t remodel her. Not now. But I can love her the best I can and that is all there is to it. It’s my only duty to her. I might not make her happy, but I can make her loved.
My other grandma is still in hospital. And I miss her, I always will, but I can’t truly miss her. Because she’s in my heart. She taught me sooooo much. And there will be that support in my life forever. Because the learnings and the love are still there. Will always be there. If anything I shouldn’t be sad I’m losing her – I should be happy she was always there for me. Even if she can’t make a witty comment when a guy has just dumped me – I can at least, in my heart, know what that comment would have been.
The tests all came back negative from work.
If all goes well I’m still going to the States in August. I am going to live my dream in LA. But that’s in another tomorrow. Right now, right here at my dad’s country house I can hang out with my family. Eat dad’s homemade food. Watch the latest Harry Potter. Laugh with my sister. Delight in the smell of garlic.
I never really thought I wouldn’t make it through, yet, I was scared. I was overwhelmed. I thought I might faint from stress at times. At others I sat meditating in peace. I learnt, if you like, how important it is to have that mental switch, but more than anything I learnt to live and that is a gift. Gifts come in strange shapes and forms and the greatest gift of all is life and the love that comes with it if you choose to embrace it.