Have you ever been scared? Like really scared? I’m really scared of love – I mean petrified. There is nothing I want more, but there is also nothing that frightens me more and that’s why I hate it. I hate confessing to someone I like them. I hate showing how much I care with the potentiality of them not giving a damn.
I always compare love to business, because for me they are both love affairs, but I go about them in opposite ways. Work is simple. You just do it, you learn, you ask questions… I have very little fear in that area of my life. Get me right, I have made huge mistakes, I have embarrassed myself more than once, but I don’t really care, because I know I’m learning and I know I’ll survive. I also know I will have to knock on a hundred door to get ten people opening and one providing me with what I need. I am not scared to be turned down because by the end of the day I still believe in me. In love however, I don’t have the background I do with work – I was always good in school, I could always mingle with business people, but I was always a disaster in love.
I guess the only thing that brings fear is a lack of confidence. I know I can get results when I work. I don’t know if I am lovable. I mean geeze, there are enough variables in that equation to make anyone nuts. I can be the greatest person in the world, but that doesn’t make people love me because it’s all about two people coming together and the chemical reaction between those two.
I’m a perfectionist – for years I strived to simply just be the best so that I could be loved. I figured because we are our actions I better become super good at everything and super nice and super rich and super pretty and super fit and…yeah right. Guess what? Doesn’t work. First of all as soon as I was talking to anyone who was more successful in life than me I’d think I’d have nothing to offer him. Secondly, love is not about that. Love is the connection between two people. Two people who understand each other and see each other instead of look at one another. Two people who are willing to learn how the other needs to be loved and build their lives together.
If I think of it like that love isn’t scary. Love is seeing if a person is that person that has that connection with you. It isn’t about trying to become perfect, so I don’t have to beat myself up if someone doesn’t like me. It is just a lack of connection, not a lack of personality on my behalf. And if in a relationship I don’t have to get sad if I make a mistake, because the person would never blame me or try to humiliate me – they’d love me and simply explain to me. There would never be harsh words, there would just be explanations. If one knows one love one another nothing is scary. You know you are in it together so if you fuck up you just change tactics, you don’t threaten to leave or take revenge by doing something nasty.
I think most love problems come from few sources. One is lack of self love and like me trying to become perfect with the attitude of having a whip ready to be used whenever you fuck up (so if your partner said – “hey mind if you don’t do that,” you start beating yourself up as a punishment and the relationship becomes very painful). Another is loving someone for whom you want them to be and punishing them every time they prove not to be that. Yet another is being in a relationship that isn’t based on love and a knowledge of the fact that you are in it together. Instead there are a lot of threats – if you don’t change, if you do that, if you don’t…then I will leave or I will punish you by… Some people are in it together but they don’t care to discuss where they are going so instead there are two forces pulling in different directions rather than going together in the same. Lastly, I believe many people forget to ask what they need to feel love. Whilst you were dating your partner might have sent you txts with compliments every day, but when you moved together that may have stopped. He or she didn’t think to continue because now you are always together, but what made you feel loved in the first place was words of affirmation. Or maybe you got gifts, you spent quality time together (but now you are watching TV…), you helped each other with various tasks, you paid each other more physical attention…whatever it was that floated your boat…
Whatever love is, it shouldn’t be scary. If someone says no to you it’s because there isn’t that understanding, that seemingly divine connection, and not because you are unlovable. And if two people having a war against one another in a relationship it is not love, because if you love them you come from a place of love even when you discuss the not so wonderful things. If someone says it’s my way or the highway it’s not two people that are in it together – it’s two people that happened to walk in the same direction for a while.
So love isn’t really scary, right? Right???!!!!!!!!!!
“The meeting of two people is like the meeting of two chemical substances.
If anything happens, both are changed.” – Jung