I feel very smiley today =) I discovered something new. I discovered that I am blind.
I went for a coffee with a friend of mine. Whilst in school together we never really spoke, it wasn’t until she came on a trip to LA that we actually sat down and talked to one another. I’m just wondering, how many more “hidden friends” are out there? How often do I shake my shoulders and move past people that could be friends?
I often get scared of people. I go back to thinking what I did at fourteen: “No one really wants to talk to a geek like me, so me speaking to them will make them uncomfortable. I am just a burden on them.” At fourteen I probably was a burden until you got to know me a bit better, because I did not speak (i.e. I wasn’t very fun). I just sat around petrified of what the judgment of my words would be.
Today I babble to strangers in the same way I babble to my friends, I just still don’t like imposing on people. Assuming they want me to talk to them. That’s when I get scared. More than anything I get scared if I am dating a guy, because I think I’m imposing on him, as the situation is similar to approaching a stranger – I want to talk to you, but I’m not sure if you want to talk to me v.s. I want you, but I’m not so sure if you want me. It’s different if you flirt – most people want sex so dah. It’s also different because you don’t really want the person in front of you yet. It’s just someone you are curious about and that you find attractive. In other words: the stakes aren’t very high because your heart is not involved.
The weird thing is – if you walk up to someone offering yourself, they are so much more likely to like you than if you carefully walk up to them apologizing for intruding.
I love people. I love finding out what makes them tick. I love finding commonalities – feeling understood and being able to understand. I love gathering pieces of the puzzle until I understand them (and can go out and create perfect gifts for them – I have a knack with gifts. Oh, and I have to apologize – I have not yet posted pics of my best friend’s under five bucks Easter gift – it got delayed as we both had things that suddenly landed on our plate that week. She is getting a very awesome European gift though – watch this space!). I guess this is why I love close friendships – I care a lot more about listening to the stories that come from peoples’ hearts than I do talking about some uninteresting fad or other.
Then again, saying that I like people is a lie, because I don’t like people when I walk up to them to talk to them (or go on a date with them) as I feel fear. The fear is that they won’t want me there. And if they don’t want me there I feel bad. So I blame them (or at least I used to) and then I think they are mean.
The more I love myself, the less scared of people I get. Nowadays people can tell me I am crap and if I really enjoy that person for one reason or another, that sucks, but I still enjoy me and I know a ton of other people that do that as well. Most importantly – what’s important to me is making the most of my life, so wasting it on people that don’t like me just doesn’t make sense.
Yet, I still find myself, out of habit more than anything else, not approaching as many people as I can. I guess the habit is feeling a slight unease and so I don’t seize obvious opportunities. The thing is though, if I think about not approaching them it makes me even more uneasy. Without me knowing it, in front of me might be the man of my dreams, my future biz partner, my biggest customer, my new friend…
The bizarre thing is that I am very social. I talk to people all the time. I have a huge network. I get dating offers about once a week. And still, that unease. I don’t even recognize it sometimes, it just operates as a laziness of not talking to every single person that I could, or opening up to men. Underneath that laziness though, I know here is still fear.
There is this movie that has changed my life several times over. It’s called Moulin Rouge. In it there is a song. The lyrics read: The greatest lesson you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. I think that’s very true.
I have been very stubborn when it comes to my career. I’ve poured a lot of passion and work into it without much fear. I am still learning, but I like myself in business. I trust myself. People can disturb me, but not really hurt me. I’d like it to be the same on a personal level. To really be able to offer myself to every person I meet (that I like) and every guy I want to date (hopefully just one, but I might stumble across a few maybes in the process of finding him).
When you can offer yourself to a person without fear, you must be such a joy to be around. Because you offer. You actually offer without asking for anything in return and if they don’t like you they don’t feel uneasy saying so because you won’t get offended. You are just there to offer, not to get.
I am going to open my eyes, my heart and my soul. I am going to accept and love me as I am and therefore not needing other’s approval. I am going to offer myself, knowing that no one will take me away from me. They will just get a beautiful insight to another person’s puzzle. And if it’s my type of person, they will share some puzzle pieces with me and I will sit there ohing and ahing about how beautiful they are.