Isn’t it funny how life consists not of one, but a number of different stories that all take place at the same time? There is your story, i.e. how you perceive things. Then there’s the story(ies) of the person(s) that are with you. Then there’s the real, unbiased, story.
It never stops fascinating me how we can walk away from the same event with different ideas of what just transpired. I become more and more acutely aware daily that what I intend to say is not always what others hear. I think I am being very clear, but sometimes I am not one hundred percent focused and then it’s easy to just speak whatever comes to my mind – I don’t choose my words, because I may be talking about an emotional topic that makes my brain somewhat confused (I meant to write chock the other day to a friend and I wrote cock…she laughed for half an hour at my somewhat subconscious language), or just be thinking about something slightly different at the same time. What’s more you might be struggling yourself to find the words to express what’s on your mind if it’s an idea that’s born right then and there from the conversation. And even if you are damn straight, there is always the interpretation done by the other person that can confuse things, because of their state of mind, their wants and their point of view. If nothing else, writing this blog has taught me that.
So no matter how clearly you communicate things, there will still always be as many stories as there are people in the room. A word means one thing to one person, and another to someone else. So if you talk about friendship, one person will have one idea and another another idea. You constantly see life through the “glasses” of experience. You basically have a unique point of view.
Mis-communication often happens in friendships, business relations and romantic relationships, as we all walk into the relationship with a different idea of what it should look like, not necessarily voicing our hopes and assumptions to the other person. In LA the dating scene is a bit of a joke between Los Angelites themselves as everyone knows that there really are no rules. Everyone’s equally confused. Personally I think if someone’s telling you that you are amazing and wonderful, they love spending time with you, etc. it means they aren’t telling someone else the same things, but in LA – think again. If you want to be the only person someone’s dating there, you better make it damn straight from the beginning.
I know for certain that when it comes to emotions, whatever the situation, I like hinting sometimes rather than speaking my mind full out. And I think if I sit sulking in a corner that clearly means I want attention. Why do I do that? Because it’s simply to cringy to ask for the attention and say that I need some TLC. In any kind of relationship I find it hard to say what I want at times, because it sounds demanding. At other times I threaten because I’m scared. Of course I am getting better at communicating after years of practice, but Jesus, when I was younger I should have come with an instruction manual! (And I really wish that all guys would come with one too!!! Especially if they say they are good at communicating, because usually those are the worst.)
The funny thing is that I have a lot of friends whose opinion of me I know nothing of apart from they like spending time with me. In fact I think the only person I know what she thinks about me is my best friend and even in that relationship I don’t know everything.
I’m quite straight forward, I mean I might hint rather than speak clearly at times (but I might also be super blunt, it all depends), but pretty much what you see is what you get. I don’t tell people I’m interested in dating them if I’m not. I don’t hang out with people I don’t like. I don’t do business with people I don’t respect. Basically, it’s rare I have ulterior motives in that sense and I rarely lie (if I do it’s out of necessity, because I am sworn to secrecy or something), but there are people that do lie and to me when I have been lied to I find it very hard to ever trust the person again. So long as it’s not some silly white lie of course, to enhance a story, or whatever. There are different kinds of lying though. E.g. to me lying is dating two people at the same time. But in LA that’s not lying. That’s just the way it is.
I guess what I’m trying to say that it’s rather funny how we all walk into situations with different expectations and wants, how we interpret other peoples’ signals from our own perspective (and wants) and how we assume everyone else think like us. It’s like you think, because we are all in this life together as human beings we should have similar ideas about life, but not necessarily so. Try asking people what’s the meaning of life – everyone has a slightly different answer. And even if five different people say “It’s having fun.”, having fun means something different to each one of them. Just like love, friendship, business, partying, hanging out, having a good time, having great sex, going traveling and doing yoga means something different to each individual.
If we want to get what we want in this life, learning to communicate clearly and truly finding out what each important thing you say means to each individual, is crucial. I think I might also start asking people how they perceive me, because it might just open my eyes to who other people think I am. I may think something else entirely, but then I am for sure not communicating that person clearly enough. And wouldn’t it be easier if bosses created clear ideas of what they want from their staff and the staff let their boss know what they need to feel happy with their jobs?
Sometimes it’s cringy expressing what you want, or truly sharing your emotions with people, but I do believe that if we learnt to share our thoughts and feelings, really listen to one another (an not sit thinking about how everything the person says reflects back to me, me, me), and really ask people what they want from us, what makes them happy (you know how some people buy gifts they would like for other people and it doesn’t always go down all that well?) and how they perceive us, so that we know what we are communicating, then life would be easier. I know for sure it would save me heartaches – he said he really likes me and that scares him, meaning he is really interested in me, meaning he isn’t wanting to date the whole rest of the world, meaning he is actually looking to get seriously involved with me as he is scared. No, just, no, no, no. (I think it took me till last year to figure that one out.) Also, some people mean one thing one minute and another the next. “You change your mind, like a girl changes clothes…” And hey, even if someone has the noblest intentions, as always ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. And there are some really gorgeous people on this planet, speaking really loudly!!! I hope to be one of them and I’m very happy to know some of them!