Sailing solo…stark naked…

Have you ever felt like you cracked open? Like every event, every emotion, there ever was fell out of your chest and onto the world for full view? Today I felt like that and before my jet-lag dissipates and the fog leaves the hills once more and daylight enters, I will share it with you. Come tomorrow, having a clear head, I will once again want to sweep this story under the carpet. For now though, the hills are covered in fog and I feel safe and secure, sitting half asleep in my bed, writing.

Journeys end in lovers meeting, or so Shakespeare said. Traveling for me has always been a way of life. I have been blessed to see many places, I have had wonderful adventures and I have met some astounding people. Traveling has also always given me perspective – you cannot look at your life from the same point of view when you are looking at it from a different place, under different circumstances. What’s more, my passion for traveling has given me an excuse to always leave people and places before they leave me. I never worry what others think of me, because I don’t live there anyway. I don’t really care, so I feel free, independent and happy, but today I got sick of traveling. I don’t want to need to be constantly running to feel happy. After having my sister calling me yesterday complaining about not having seen me for eight months and a friend crying as I left London town, I just realized it’s about time I face up to it, if I want to end my journey in a loving meeting, rather than as soon as I want to become part of a town, a social circle, or a man, feel like I’m being judged and lose my self-confidence and start running all over again to feel safe, secure and confident.

Today I saw the movie The Time Traveler’s Wife on the plane. It wasn’t a good movie, it was poorly executed, but to me it meant the world to watch it, because suddenly I saw my life in a completely new light. I saw how it would have looked like from a time traveler’s perspective and what it would have been like having myself come back from the future to tell me not to be scared when things were rough.

If you could watch your life, your story, as a movie, what would you think of the protagonist? Would you not see your life in a different light? If you could go back in time and hold your own hand when you were a kid… If you could hug that kid and tell him or her what s/he really needed to know…what would you say?

Man do I wish there had been someone there to hold me when my mom was dying, telling me life is not all that scary. I wish there was someone who would have told me there was nothing wrong with me when the bullies were calling me names, or my step-mom was yelling at me. Lord do I wish there’d been someone to tell me that just because the boys didn’t like me, I wasn’t unlovable. When people asked me if I was anorexic because I was skinny, I wish there’d been someone there to tell me that skinny is pretty too. I wish someone would have just made me understand how gorgeous a person I was. What a beautiful human being I was. How lovable I was.

I really feel for the girl I once was. Watching it from the outside, all the panic, the fear, the sadness, the loneliness she felt and how she blamed herself over and over again for it. It seems absurd now, but she thought she was worthless because it was all her fault. She hated herself for others leaving her, or being mean to her. She kept trying to identify what was wrong with her. Why she was unlovable and how to solve it. There had to be something strange, because she was not mean to people, so why were they mean to her? What was wrong with her?

At the age of seventeen I went to Vancouver. One night, due to a row of events, I had a panic attack, only I didn’t know what it was. As it happened my host mom was angry with me, so she thought I was faking it and left me lying in a heap on the floor – only opening the door to the garden for fresh air. I had to crawl up on my own. I couldn’t call my dad as he was away in travels. It was too late to call someone in Vancouver. So I sat there thinking I might just die. I then swore that if I survived I would open a nursery for street children as no one should have to feel like I did then and there, or for that matter, other times in my childhood too. No one. Yet, I felt no sympathy for the girl who sat there herself. She was just a girl who on a daily basis fought her own insecurities, thinking the world would never love her unless she made herself more outgoing and cool. Unless she succeeded in becoming rich and famous. Her only true friend was her dreams – they didn’t hurt her. They just fueled her. So she set out to achieve them and her whole life changed. So did she, but the thoughts on the inside never completely changed. Not until today. Not until I saw that movie.

Do you know what your eyes look like when you feel loved? Do you know how they sparkle? Do you know how beautiful you are? Look at your hands – do they ever make something for you? Look at your feet – do they ever take you places? Look at your mouth – does it ever make you taste things? Look at you – aren’t you gorgeous? Aren’t you worth all the love in the world? Isn’t that just a beautiful person?

That would be me…hiding in there…almost stark naked…

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21 Comments

Filed under dreams, Inspiration, Joy, Life, Love, Motivation, Personal Development, relationships, Relationsip, Thoughts, Traveling, Uncategorized

21 responses to “Sailing solo…stark naked…

  1. Agnes

    Thank you for all your posts. They are truly beautiful and knowledgeable and always make you think. Just like you. I love them. And you. 🙂 x

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  3. Tomás Ciuffardi

    Great post MarĂ­a… inspiring!

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  4. theharrodsgirl

    Ive not seen the film but the book is amazing. I was actually going to watch it on Sky the other day- what do you suggest shall I tune in? I ADORE films, my collection is ridiculous but hate wasting money on terrible ones! Stay strong, seems like you’ve gone from strength to strength and long may it continue xx

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    • I think the film is, in all likelihood, trashing the book. I haven’t read it, so I don’t know but, the script is lacking…you know how they need to build up the characters and their connection in the beginning? Doesn’t really happen. In general you didn’t really get to know the characters. But it got me to THINK (and start sobbing hysterically on the flight, and I rarely cry, esp not in bright daylight in front of hundreds of people!!!)

      Yeah, life is nice 🙂 Thank you! xx

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  5. You express yourself beautifully. And, you have been through much. But that was then and this is now and it’s so good that you are examining all this. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. I thought that would be impossible for me, as I kept everything inside, but it was when I was weak and started asking for what my soul needed, well, that was when the second half of my life started. Take care – you are amazing!

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    • That’s a good one – asking for what you need. I used to be Miss do it all yourself I need no one, I am strong, I am independent (and uh, I am scared)… It’s an interesting process opening up to the world. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable, yet stronger than ever. It’s strange. But very, very nice =)

      Thank you!!! =)

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  6. In one section of this post you showed us that if intelligent people are able to observe themselves from the point of view of an outsider, they will recognize their problems which is the only difficult part of the equation because once recognized there are solution to 99% of the problems experienced by individuals in developed countries.
    Congratulation, you are way ahead of most people who can observe themselves only when they reach 60,70 or 80 years old.
    You are very close to combine experience and youth, few people can.

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  7. storiesfromthestove

    Intelligent, evocative writing. Thank you.
    Charles

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  8. Pingback: Barbie stripping bare… « Confessionsofadizzyblonde's Blog

  9. Lovely post. Loadsa love adorable Maria. xxx

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  10. First, I want to thank you for visiting my blog and letting me know you were there. 🙂 I’m honored that you read so many posts. Second, I want to thank you for leaving the link to this blog. There’s definitely a level of resonance between what you’ve written here and my blog “Sticks and Stones and Broken Bones.”

    I find it interesting that one of the ways in which we both dealt with the difficulties of childhood was by being constantly on the move as adults. I ran as far as the jungles of Papua New Guinea. I was forever on the move, always fluid, always embracing change, and welcoming new faces. It wasn’t hard for me to say goodbye when I knew the people I was leaving behind would only eventually hurt me. Better for me to leave first. It wasn’t a conscious thing, not really, it was simply what I did. I loved people fiercely and then was gone.

    I’m learning to stay, to not be afraid of people. There are still times when I want to stuff a duffel bag and head for the farthest reaches of the world again, alone, but my husband and children anchor me. When I go they go with me. I’m no longer alone in the world and I haven’t been for a very long time now, not since I was a little girl, and even then I wasn’t really alone. Always there was someone on the periphery, loving her, loving me.

    Anyway, I’m happy to meet and read you. 🙂

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  11. Thanks for your comment! I truly do love your blog and it’s fascinating finding others who have been through similar events in life, or picked up similar thoughts from different events. People are magical =) And once the fear is gone, one is actually able to appreciate that =)

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  12. Nick

    That moved me… Which is more than I can say for anything I’ve read on the internet. You’re a talented writer. Keep spreading the love.

    x

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  13. Pingback: DIY lovemaking… | Confessionsofadizzyblonde's Blog

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