I promised to do 1 post a day for 365 days, but as I am going camping and won’t be anywhere near a computer tmrw. (thankfully), this is tomorrow’s post.
Have you ever lost someone or something? Your favorite toy broke, your job was swept away, or you lost a lover, or a friend? Doesn’t it feel like something inside of you breaks? Like there is a hole in your heart? That thing that gave you so much joy…is…gone…and only emptiness is left. And it won’t come back. For the longest time this scared me. Petrified me in fact.
I lost my mom at six. I never, ever wanted to feel like that ever again. The problem was: that would mean I would never ever live ever again, because I would never let anyone close to me. So I set out on a mission to find some sort of something where I could live without the constant fear of losing/loving. After years of stumbling around in the dark I realized that love never dies, it just shifts form – if you are willing to let the new form in. I also realized that if you live in the moment, embracing what is, not hiding from it, but indulging in it, however bizarre that sounds, then you also set it free; let it go. You have to do this with both the good and bad because you yourself need to be free to move on to the next delight.
How many of us have not shrugged our shoulders, pretending not to care, whether it is about heartache, or something else that bugs you? I for one am a master at not caring. I hate confessing to caring, but it’s only when you confess to it, when you allow yourself to feel what you truly feel, that you let it go; that you set yourself free. Accepting something and seeing it for what it is (no matter how fucking horrendous), is truly the only way I have found to be able to let anything go – as long as you are suppressing it, it is still there, nagging you somewhere deep inside. And that something deep down inside takes up space. What would you rather have take up that space?
Another thing is: the past is the past. Whether you did something terrible, something terrible was done to you, or you had the time of your life. In the moment, that is gone and new things await, if you only let them in.
Instead of getting angry with yourself – celebrate what you feel. You shouldn’t necessarily act out on it (do not shoot the neighbor…lol), just celebrate the feeling…taste it, explore it, let yourself get soaked up in it and then…watch it move away. And one thing to keep in mind – no matter what is going on, what you think about your life right now…whatever heartache you may have: your life is more than just that isn’t it?
Our worlds have all been shattered, but they have all been built up again…different, but whole.
I found two quotes that to me, describe this:
“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” – Rumi
“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.” – Rumi
On another note, I was thinking as well about yesterday’s post: We say we manifest things because we feel a desire for them, but what if the desire only comes because we know they are bound to happen? Like, maybe our desire was a premonition? Or it is fate that has us feel desire so that when they happen we will do as is written in our destiny? I don’t know if we have a past so as to be able to reach to where we need to go, or if we have to choose to go somewhere so as to move away from our past. Soon I will be back to discussing free will and whether it exists or not…so sayonara! I’m off to chill in the woods!