Maybe my life is like an old Bob Dylan song – gnawing, scorching, yet beautifully etched into a vinyl record. The book of life.
As thoughts get mingled together, in some sort of recipe I don’t always understand, I seek for meaning, for answers, for completion. Yet, this dance has carried me so far away from home, far away from both my physical home and the home inside my heart. The home where beauty lives. Where all what I treasure lives. I forget who I am. I live like a machine. A programmed machine. I eat, I sleep and I work. I stress. I still can’t manage it. I am trying to learn to value myself. To actually live, not just speak about it. It’s hard, it’s harder than I ever thought. Yet, as soon as I remember who I am, in my heart, it becomes easy. It becomes a dance again. A proper dance. One that makes me fly; soar like an eagle. I like that. I like flying.
The last few weeks haven’t been easy. Maybe because I have faced some of my most prominent fears. My fear of failure. My fear of loneliness. My fear of trust. My fear of illness. The fears I’ve lived with for so long. The fears that aren’t real, I’d just like to think that they are. The medicine is simple: get out. Get out of my own mind and into the real world. The physical world. The world I can actually touch. A world where I get an insight into other people’s lives, where I see them, feel them, interact with them. A world in which I am happy.
It’s so simple – it’s just to do what you know you must. Why I stick with old patterns baffles me. Now more than ever I see the futility of it all. How it can harm me in ways that are bad. Severely bad. Maybe that’s what I needed? A wake-up call? A call back from my heart, to my heart.
You have to value yourself. You have to put yourself first, or you will slip. You will slip down a long muddy hill which at first seems not too bad, but once you get further along, once you pick up speed, you will fall faster than you thought and the climb back up again will be that much longer. Therefore, catch yourself before you fall. Put yourself first. Give yourself what you would like for others to give to you. Now, in this moment. Just do it. Or you will be forever falling.
Stop and breathe. Breathe in the new day, the new possibilities. Feel yourself awakening, opening up to the sun, like a flower bud in June. Feel life. Feel yourself getting high on the force of life, the life force. Feel your own strength, your own tenderness. Slowly, step-by-step allow yourself to walk the path in wonder. Marvel. Marvel at the sights you see and the sounds and smells surrounding you. Feel. Feel life.
My favorite song of all time…