I was twenty minutes late for class, as always, and walking through campus with a man in front of me. He looked rough – down and out – and he couldn’t walk properly because he had something wrong with one of his legs. He had an old book he held onto with all his might. I suspected he was on his way to class.
My mind made up some sort of story about the man: he was thankful to be there, to him his class was very important, maybe a new start in his life. He had hardly any money and this was his chance of getting a decent job. For some reason I was filled with sympathy and pity for him – from behind he looked like a sad case of neglect and hardship.
A few minutes prior I had been bitching about having to go to class – I felt tired of being in school and being broke. Being at the school I am at is a privilege, really. I have learnt so much and I have had some amazing teachers. I have gotten an incredible internship through it and I was able to come here only because the Swedish government provide student loans. All in all I’ve been lucky, only I haven’t always seen it like that. My focus has been on the fact that I feel too old to be in school whilst making no money on the side.
My life has been so amazing – I have been to so many places, met so many wonderful people and I was brought up by a loving bunch. I guess my problem has been my mind. I have always been on my way somewhere else, trying to climb a ladder. Never satisfied with being who I am in the moment. My mind never rests, unless I’m standing on a dance floor. Even then I might get distracted by some bloke next to me…or trying to dance better than someone else. I’m always competing. Constantly. I pick men whom I want to impress, or become as good as at something. I pick situations that constantly challenge me. I never feel satisfied just being. I’m constantly tormenting myself by pushing myself harder and harder to the point where I snap.
Our minds are sometimes machines working to our disadvantage – complaining, taking us through the same situations over and over again, diminishing the moment by going astray in thoughts… My former principal, as mentioned before, used to say that “It (the mind) takes control over you, until you take control over it.” So true – it’s like a computer programmed in one way until you decide to program it differently; until you take control.
I think it’s time to push myself to live more every day, instead of think of all my difficulties. Really, I don’t have any worth mentioning. I’m just happy to be alive in a very gorgeous town, surrounded by very gorgeous people.