Porn movies and rattlesnakes in like California…

Disclaimer: this post contains like all the bad language, sex and total blonde generalizations that I’m known for. Just so you know. Did I mention porn? Oh, and you have to have someone read this to you in a West Coast accent, otherwise it doesn’t make sense. I’ll do it if you cast me in your movie. Just call my Manager.

It’s like so totally not like me, you know? ‘Cuz I’m like California all over. I mean we believe in solar power, organic fruits, beach bodies, sexual liberation, Entourage, positive manifestations, meditation and charitable organizations for starving Actors (usually called “bars” and donations come in the form of “tips”). So like, I’m just gonna be so not me you know for once, and be like totally like non-positive about the world, because I think there’s been too much petroleum pumped into the brains of those non-Californians out there. Know what I’m saying? Srsly. So going against The Secret (the modern-day bible of Cali) and the all loving people, I will have to say that the world is a tad mad. I’m not saying I’m not mad. Like I see myself thinking thoughts that aren’t real, but I realize they aren’t real. Just because I’m scared of snakes doesn’t mean that the rattlesnakes will be in the bushes just as I jog by. I still jog as if they were in the bushes though, just to be sure. And I try to not wear too short shorts whilst jogging, as I could have men running behind me then, scaring the snakes. But maybe I could wear the shorts and still be OK, if there aren’t any snakes that day. See what I’m saying? Like I’m reacting to something that isn’t real, but it could be real. Reality is a bit screwed up. But most things can be fixed with a big smile. Fakeness goes a long way in LA. I mean positivity. That’s what it’s called. Positivity. So anyway, here’s my list. I hope you digg it and reddit and facebook, like all your cool friends. Like the ones in the hills and that producer on The Hangover.

  • People are still throwing stones at each other because they want to play in each others’ gardens (a.k.a. countries), but aren’t allowed. But hello? Where are the mommies hiding? They should like bake cakes for each other instead. This is so some 1850’s Wild Western complex.
  • People walk around feeling happy just ‘cuz they are holding a gun and can shoot the bastard who’s father’s uncle’s brother’s daughter’s niece shot someone they would be related to if they were alive, but it was 200 years ago. I mean we all had to read Romeo And Juliet in high school. Fighting doesn’t solve ANYTHING. It just leads to more people getting killed.
  • People think they have power when they have the biggest resources of things that can kill people, which is like a stone age mentality. Didn’t anyone read The Secret? It’s all about the POWER OF THOUGHT. Jeeze people.
  • People fight over who has the best product, like Cheerios v.s. Cornflakes. This is like kindergarten stuff. You should go with the healthiest one. Let the best man win. If you are trying to conquer someone who is better than you, you are simply losing anyway. You may sell more, but you are worse. Like not cool at all. Duh.
  • People are very into getting a bigger diamond to hang around their neck, whilst people are dying from starvation. No, they’re not your problem unless you gave birth to them, but it’s still twisted somehow, because everyone tells you sharing is caring. You know, all the Stars in Hollywood share their wealth. And they only borrow their diamonds. And when they feel really guilty for being rich they go into rehab.
  • It’s really weird because like everyone knows that if you are someone in LA you drive a cool car, you have cool shades and you live in a crib in the hills, like, but all these people are in AA, go to therapists and spend their time stressing about raising more money to make their movies that don’t make any money. It’s like they take the paparazzi so seriously – when they leave they get so sad they throw canned beans at them, because they no longer get on the cover of People Magazine, so they can’t sue them to pay their bills when they win.
  • People then think these people are their heroes. So they want to be in rehab too?
  • Most people can’t remember the best night of their life. I always thought that was kinda weird.
  • Smoking kills, so people really like dying. Not so much in California of course. We are too healthy, like here people do coke to save their lungs.
  • All these porn movies that suddenly get released by some angry ex lover…I mean isn’t that soooo yesterday? It was news when Paris Hilton did it, but come on? Can’t all the ex lovers just get over it? Don’t they understand they like so humiliate themselves by showing they care? If you want someone back you just get a new partner and make sure you film that sex instead. Just so they know what they’re missing.
  • I like don’t get it. Someone thinks she can manifest the ass she had at 20. http://ht.ly/3aUDz But hello. Like the whole world mis-read The Secret. You have to take inspired action too. Like build a time machine.

We’re like so enlightened here in Cali.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Porn movies and rattlesnakes in like California…

  1. Jeremy

    like, this “totally” made “hella” sense to me… the world is like so much clearer now…
    you’re so serious Dizzy, have a silly day!

    Like

  2. Like, ohmagod! You sound totally like Moon Zappa, you know, the girl that sang, “Valley Girl”. This is, like, so bitchin’ I’m sure. Totally.
    (very cool…made me laugh…totally forgot about porn..damn!)

    Like

  3. LOL!!!! Totally ass-kicking marvelous!

    Like

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