My best friend goes: “He says they’re still screwing and drilling. I’m measuring them by their toolboxes. He’s got a tiny screwdriver.” Being a man means you have big hands and know how to use them…to do useful things…like building…and taking it like a man means you can take a punch square in the face, doesn’t it? In that case, I’m learning to take it like a man at the same time as I’m unlearning to take it like a man.
I was raised by a man you see, so I’m very good at taking mental punches. I like it straight forward, a hard hit and then it’s over. All this mumbo jumbo with not facing up to things, or people telling half-lies drives me nuts. On the other hand, I usually don’t face my emotions. I tell them they are illogical, unhelpful and rather stupid. Often I say the same to my thoughts. “It’s you again? Really? I thought I had dealt with you five times already. Sod off you unhelpful thing.” I have very little sympathy for silliness, or maybe like a man I find certain illogical thoughts and emotions to be…mumbo-jumbo. I want to crush them, because I know they aren’t helpful.
For a few weeks now, two or so, I have felt like life was a blur. The most amazing things were happening, but I wasn’t quite there. I was annoyed, tired and uninspired. Of course, I had my moments of supreme joy and excitement – so many cool things were happening. Yet, it was like a cloud had anchored somewhere in my mind. A cloud that made everything a bit foggy, a bit out of focus. I looked at things I was meant to be happy for, and was, but couldn’t quite feel the joy as usual. It was a stark contrast to the weeks just before.
Today I had my final tantrum about this. I got so angry that I wasn’t able to shake off some thoughts that I wanted to cry. I saw my own mind going places I knew weren’t helpful. My mind chose to focus on things I did not agree with. I told myself I’m an idiot and I should just bloody well let go of it and my emotions should not be like wild horses because they’re being stupid. There is no reason to fear the future, or regret, or long for what is no more, or what never was, or what you want things to be…just bloody well live!
It doesn’t help to tell yourself you are an idiot, it really doesn’t. You are just devaluing yourself. Yelling rarely helps either. It’s usually a sign that you feel you can’t control something, feeling helpless. Even if you are just yelling inside your mind.
There is one thing I have to let go of, must…it’s the perfectionist in me. And that’s the person saying that I have to and I must. It’s alright. I was shaped for years into the me I became and even though I have moments of understanding and seeing the world for (hopefully) what it is…I’m not always in that space. Even when I know I’m not in that space because I’m aware something is off, I’m not always able to control the wild horses inside. It’s OK to be sad and happy and in love and out of love…it’s alright. I have a few patterns that I don’t enjoy, but that’s OK. I’m still OK. I still need TLC and it’s alright to accept that. Sitting on my ass being a lazy thing using excuses is wrong, but being too harsh on myself is equally wrong.
Another great lesson in all this is learning to put myself out there and give others TLC. Not just an action plan. Not just telling them that this is the enlightened hallelujah way to see it that will solve it all. Sometimes all they need is a hug, which really translates into love. Because love is the energy that transforms. Love is the energy we need to be able to walk the right path. To make the right decisions and stick with them.
No matter how uncomfortable I feel patting myself on the head telling myself I’m OK, no matter how uncomfortable I feel giving someone a hug rather than a life lesson…that’s exactly what I need to do to feel happy. I have to love myself and others without feeling ashamed. No matter how much a little voice inside of me screams that you must never settle for anything than the best, you must always achieve more, you must push yourself beyond your limits, you must never relax…sometimes you just have to love. Or do what you feel like, but love…love, love, love….is always in there.