…how are ya’? Any great news of late? Any disasters that need wine and chocolate and a big dash of sunshine for curing? Any whooping exciting stuff going on? I have some news to share…ready?
Sometimes life takes a turn down a winding road and you are driving around hopelessly lost, staring at a map you don’t understand, looking at a sat nav which is having “technical difficulties” and just in general…you are fighting to find your way in a landscape you can’t understand. It’s OK. Sooner or later the serpentine roads will end and you will find the destination you were looking for. It can be damn confusing getting there though, because life doesn’t come with an instruction manual. It’s more like “search and you will find.” It’s just it seems the searching bit can be totally and utterly mesmerizing at times when you pass through the most gorgeous landscapes and the road ahead looks clear, and so confusing at others when everything looks like a strange place and you feel like giving up and sitting down by the roadside, crying. Hoping that somehow you can once again crawl into your daddy’s, or mommy’s lap and you will be safe and secure and they will provide you with all the answers you need.
During all this the mirror seems to be changing faces too. Sometimes it tells you you are a beautiful person in search of truth and love, at other times it tells you you look like hell and really should get better somehow. You get angry and upset and wanna scream at your own image, but the more you scream, the worse it gets.
Last summer I was a bit lost. I kept staring at a sat nav showing confusing messages. I was desperately trying to figure out what kind of person I wanted to meet and create a relationship with and I was tearing my hair out wondering when I would know if I made “the right choice?” I had all these theories about chemistry and attraction and God knows what, but it was confusing, because I felt this thing for one kind of person and that thing for another…it was a circus. In my mind I couldn’t settle and just accept someone, because I felt I didn’t know if that would be the right thing to do.
I was also tearing my hair out figuring out how to love myself and stay strong in the face of life. How to always be OK in me. Especially as I was mourning my grandma (she has gone senile) and I was finding it real hard to find my feet. To stand there alone without her love. I felt frail. Which made me even more scared of loving others. I didn’t feel like I could handle another person in my life. I wanted to be strong, but I didn’t always succeed. I felt I was leaning on people and then I got angry with myself and then I wanted to walk away and be alone.
At the same time I was talking to a very dear, wise Swedish friend of mine. She’s very special to me for some reason or another. I guess I feel she understands me. And she made me think a lot about love. About just loving. And when I started to love, to accept with compassion, and everything became clearer and clearer. I mean, I didn’t figure out what kind of person I wanted to be with, that one left me equally dazed and confused, but life itself became clearer and I felt stronger. I remember walking around London with a silly grin on my face. I just felt so happy and present in the moment, because I was loving it. For the first time in my life I felt present.
During fall I lost track a gazillion times though. I was just working and worrying and ugh. But then, over Christmas, a friend visited and he enlightened me to the fact that when I spoke of certain people my voice changed. I didn’t know this, but he pointed it out. He pointed out that I displayed emotion, love. And I said “Yes, I love them, but sometimes it’s funny because I can see in them how similar we are, for better and worse. They even make the same mistakes I do. I see them getting lost at the same roadsigns. At the same twists in the road. And sometimes it infuriates me because I think they are making my own weaknesses obvious. It’s like I get embarrassed on their behalf. But yes, I do love them.” And as I said it, I felt a surge of compassion and warmth for these people. For how they must feel when they get lost by the roadsigns. And for how charming they are with all their quirks. How gorgeous they are. My friend replied “Isn’t that beautiful how you can see your own flaws in them and still love them? How you are accepting them and therefore yourself.” At first I didn’t believe him. Was I finally OK to accept others 100%? Was I finally able to love myself 100%??!!! I felt that warmth inside of me. I felt like I didn’t care what anyone else thought, or however many flaws people had. They had beautiful souls, and I loved them. And for the same reason I could finally accept and love myself. At least for a few minutes.
It became even clearer when I was having drinks with another very dear friend of mine. We were sitting at the Roosevelt sipping cocktails and she exclaimed: “Really, sometimes you just fail to see the light in you. How amazing YOU are. You are so bloody clear on everything in life. How you see everything. But when it comes to yourself, you’re bloody blind. You accept less than you deserve. You’ve been through so much and you managed to survive it all, so I’m not sure why you’d ever be scared, or not see your own worth. But the really amazing thing is that you are still trying to become a better person. Every day.” I kept thinking about this for a few weeks. It’s potentially the best compliment I’ve ever had. I could accept myself, because I knew she was right. I am trying. I never gave up on becoming a better person. That much I know is true. And for the first time I could kind of admire myself…not for an achievement, or a talent, or something, but for who I truly am. And love. Love myself.
Around the same time my best friend’s brother asked me what it is I truly want to do with my life. I was like “Well, I have always been on this search for the meaning with everything, or on a spiritual journey…seeking happiness, joy, confidence and love. I guess in a kind of naughty, spice it all up way. Sometimes I want to share that through movies, sometimes through companies, but always as a leader…a coach.” And for the first time I felt I had a choice. I had a choice to do what I love not feeling silly for pursuing a passion, so if it will never make me famous or bring me fortunes. Like it wasn’t about the success anymore…it was about love. I didn’t need to work my way up a production company through office work just to be prim and proper. I could work my way up doing what I love. I’d rather be a runner on set pouring coffee, or doing extra work to start off with. I didn’t have to be the perfect A student anymore.
Slowly it dawned on me. Love. Like, dah. That’s the answer to how I know how to pick someone. When I feel love within me, I can feel love for them and I will know if they feel love for me. Love is the answer to what to do with my life….what I love…not as an end destination, but in the moment also. That’s the answer to how to feel strong….love myself, others and life itself. That’s the answer to everything. And for the first time in my life I had no fear (but as you can tell from yesterday’s blog post…I still forget my own realizations at times). I feel like that cheesy monologue I posted the other day: “…it’s like my heart can barely contain it…” But it’s my love for life, not just for a person. I don’t know. I think I’ve become a softie…and I ruddy love it… It’s like all the signs are clear, the road is straight ahead of me and I feel like I’m exactly where I need to be, like I know my way around. Like I’m finally living the life I always dreamt of living. Instead of dreaming, or being lost, I’m alive.
So yeah, I just wanted to tell you: you are gorgeous. When you stand there and the car has broken down, the sign that’s right in front of you appears to be MIA, the roads are all serpentine, your sat nav is having a fit and your map is looking funny…look in the mirror with love. Look around you with love. I am certain that somewhere there is an answer, a clear direction, but it starts within you. You will find what you are looking for, but you have to find it inside first. You see, if you are looking for yellow cars, but have never seen a yellow car before, you won’t find yellow cars. Simply because you don’t know what they look like. Everything you ever wanted to find is inside you though. So you just have to find that yellow car inside. Then the signs that weren’t visible to you before will suddenly shine in neon lights.
Lovey, dovey duff…I’m such a dork…and I love it…