I came to think of this as on Saturday night there was a man fingering a woman, outside a church. My friends told me I had to blog about this. So I am blogging about this. If you think about it: sex is always public. You have to get naked in front of at least one person. And if you want to go beyond sex, and make love, you have to get naked on all levels – mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. I would love to have said that the people outside that church were getting naked in front of God’s eye, loving each other freely, but they were more likely fucked off their heads.
It takes courage to look someone in the eye and allow all there is to be. All of you to shine through. Maybe that’s why so many people enjoy making love in the dark? I never understood that one – I mean you wanna see the goods in front of you, right??!
The thing is, even when you stand naked in front of someone, on all levels and you love each other on all levels, to make a relationship work, it still requires an effort beyond the “Here I am, you are getting all of me, now indulge.” It’s not like that alone will give them an orgasm…
I was talking to my best friend today during a break (this NYC – London time zone thing is driving me insane) and we were talking about relationships. I talked about my experience of looking after my gorgeous kittens, which for me was a new relationship. It took an effort to have them around – getting home on time to feed them, take them to the vet, clean up their little toilet, groom them and maybe most importantly: cuddle them and play with them. You come home, you’re tired and there’s someone else to look after that comes before you. It’s totally worth the effort, but it’s an effort nonetheless. And if you are in a temper, it’s not like you will start screaming at the poor kittens.
We were also talking about our own friendship as well – when we were living together in LA we would drive each other crazy at times – I mean we didn’t argue or anything, but we were sharing everything and that takes an effort. It’s not like the house cleaned itself, the groceries bought themselves, the car drove itself and we were always on top of the world smiling and laughing. We had good days and we had bad days. We were usually very transparent with each other, which helped, but when we were moving in the end she was sulking because I cleaned too little and I was sulking because I kept driving her back and forth to her new place, dragging her stuff around when I wanted to pack my own. And not until today did we understand why the other person was sulking during the move. We can laugh about it though, because our love is not rocky. We know each other so well she probably knows my mood swings better than I do. She loves my good sides enough to handle my bad ones, so I don’t feel fear that she will abandon the friendship because I’m bitching about some guy for a week or two, or sulk about her demanding me to drive her around without thanking me (she did in the end just when I was about to explode..). However, it would have been better if we spoke our minds at the time, in a nice way, but sometimes I’m too much of a chicken.
I’m too much of a chicken because I’m frightened that if I tell someone off for snapping at me, I ruin the relationship. Instead I try to please them. The thing is: you have to say stop if people snap at you and bitch with you for no good reason. People shouldn’t take their bad mood out on you, even though I’m sure we all unload on someone else at times, but then we usually have enough wits about us to immediately apologise.
The thing with a relationship is that the more naked and transparent we get and the more we practice to share in a loving way, the easier the relationship gets. You laugh at things, like me and my friend does, rather than blame each other. You just have to be aware that when you get home and you are tired, someone might need a back rub as much as you do. It’s give and take. Not just take. And with pets and kids, it’s a lot of giving. You get the joy of having them around, but your job, literally, is to look after them. And I think sadly people forget about this in all sorts of relationships and they start seeing buying birthday gifts and giving blow jobs as a duty rather than a joy.
So yes peeps, I highly recommend you getting naked…in front of select people, sharing all the yummy bits of yourself and allowing others to see even the pain and the hurt, rather than walking all dressed up and then suddenly snap for no good reason (to the outside world). I also highly recommend offering back rubs and roses out of your own free will. I do not recommend fingering people whilst you are pissed drunk outside a church though. I prefer my men sober enough to know what treat they are getting…