People totally don’t have their priorities right. They do such silly things. I mean have you read the papers lately?! I understand you aren’t all like California in the soul, but listen. Before we discuss nuclear weapons, whose land you want to own next, the size of strawberries within the EU and cucumber shapes (I mean they aren’t dildos, come on. Just drop it.) and things such as who you’re gonna beat up next because your soccer team lost (they played better, they won…point of the game right there…), I think there are more important things to take into consideration. Like big butts, fat smiles and excellent boobs… So I decided to come up with some totally awesome topics for the newspapers:
1) Big Muscles. They keep talking about overweight people and too skinny people. I’m sure the overweight people are as stoked about this as the skinny people. Like what’s the point? We all want to feel good about ourselves, write about something that will make us fit i.e. move our ass and enjoy moving our ass. Like seriously. And big muscles is exactly what will move our ass. I mean who wouldn’t like to move their ass to touch those guns, or get them to get touched? Total motivation right there. Just imagine opening the papers every morning and getting inspired to look great? Totally ace. (If the papers still have issues, there’s this place called California, in which you find a town called Los Angeles and a place called Runyon Canyon. There you will find your inspiration to get fit: find a nice ass and jog behind it. Works every time. Please keep it to the Canyon though. Stalking never made anyone happy.)
2) Humor. It can totally save lives, make you live longer, avoid people getting angry and killing each other in traffic, or on the tube (with weapons resembling umbrellas) and give you brilliant abs. What’s there not to love? (The falling sales figures of Prozac. It’s alright folks – we can hire the pharmacists as humorists instead.)
3) Chocolate. Like they write about what not to eat. Boring. Come on, it’s like saying here’s a toy you ain’t gonna play with. That’s so like I’m three years old and trying to make you jealous, only it’s not. It’s like seriously boring. Instead, cheer people up. Write about chocolate and other aphrodisiacs that are also good for you. You know like cancer stopping instead of cancer starting. I mean like get your head out of the gutter and start looking at the stars – Oscar Wilde figured that one out like a hundred years ago. People get off on sex. Give them sexy food. Purrrrlease!! (If you don’t believe me, you can try my raw chocolate pudding topped with raspberry sauce and you will start believing in healthy foods in a minute. If not I’ll feed you horny goats weed.)
4) Love. People wake up – we really couldn’t care less about Richard the twenty-seventh suing the Duchess of Haughtiness during the divorce. It would only make us gloat, because it confirms our wish that even the rich have problems and gloating isn’t good for anyone. Come on, it’s like a sin in the bible or something. 2000 year old knowledge that it isn’t healthy. Doh. What we want is like the juicy stuff. The secret sex tips and romantic holidays, where true love blossoms and Hugh Hefner isn’t a sex symbol. I mean girls could cry for less, with or without our bunny ears and fluffy tails. Give us the happily ever after fairy tales with added dirty details.
5) Page Four. There’s like a page three right and although I think they totally rob womanhood of beauty nine times out of ten on this page (seriously: get decent photographers and less Photoshop), the least they could do is to add a page four where there are nice pics of real men. Orgasm whilst reading the paper wasn’t reserved for men. If women are the ones giving the orgasm – give them one too. Like hello. Equality. That was like so invented in the sixties. Did you suffer memory loss since then or what? (And no: women don’t get orgasms from vacuum cleaners, even though they come with a shaft. Just saying.)
6) Celebrity Success. Like seriously. I love dirty. Dirty is very nice. Especially during mud fights and between satin sheets at night, but that’s it. I reserve dirt to men. When it comes to the news I would like to have some good clean fun, reading about how fabulous life is. If Brangelina breaks up once a day and they’re like my fav celebrity couple, how the hell do you think I’ll feel about my dream man when he comes home from work, all nice and dirty? Like there’s no hope and I will be doomed to a crazy existence of breaking up. Not funny. If someone else says anything negative about Angelina I will seriously shoot, I mean love them into a nicer path in life. Get what I’m saying?!
7) Sex. Like hello. How else to solve problems? You have make up sex. I don’t want to hear about nuclear weapons, I want to hear about how to remove them. The best way of removing anything from a man is love, shortly followed by sex. If you miss out on the sex, he may get commitment issues and wanna hold onto mommy’s (nuclear weapon’s) hand instead of your ass.
8) Purpose. There’s like gang wars and other wars, and theft and this and that, which is insanely depressing to hear about, because life is filled with so many cool things, which people don’t discover because their teachers in school teach them how to sit still and do nothing. So purpose…this is like elementary my dear Watsons. If you don’t have something fun to occupy yourself with, you will turn to destruction. It’s basic. It’s like ancient. Give a club to a stone age man and he will smash something up. Give a karate class and he’ll learn respect by striving to become a good person and fighter. If you tell someone not to use a club, they ain’t gonna listen unless you give them something else to play with. Like get what I’m saying? If you wanna get over one man, you need to shag another….like fall in love with him enough to shag him. Please someone up above do you hear me?
9) Teach Me What To Do. This is so basic it’s below elementary. I once saw a teacher in the UK eat crisps whilst teaching her class. And they say the students should get inspired and follow the teacher? But A) they weren’t allowed to eat during class and B) crisps really aren’t gonna make your body love you back. So like if the papers are filled with things we shouldn’t do, they’ve missed the point. (Don’t do a Murdoch where you stalk people for entertainment purposes, don’t become a President and cheat on your wife with blowjobs from women who love the press, don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t, don’t, don’t…) So like what are we supposed to do? Tell me something fun so I can get inspired, get off my ass and do it. Wanna inform the world? Tell the bad news, short concise and to the point. Then get onto something useful. Like how to curl your hair and become a spiritual guru, all at the same time. It’s true you really can do both if you’re a celebrity who have an ego and a heart.
If after reading this, people mention things again that are bad for you in newspapers, without providing the solution, I’m gonna sue them for negative hypnosis and ruining my brain. No, wait, I’m not gonna sue them, that’s like negative – I’m gonna send them to a nudist community. There should be plenty of temptation to veer them off their harmful paths in life. Whoever said sinning couldn’t be a useful distraction? So long as they find love in the end I mean. See like Hollywood got something right: sell the sex scenes and provide a happy ending. Because truly boys and girls, sex doesn’t solve problems, it just awakens our appetite, relieves tension and distract people enough to give you a chance to get them out of harms way. Love is the only real solution. So wake up. Play. Make Love. And write about it in the newspapers.