Open…

I just got whipped cream all over myself, which could be sexy apart from the fact that it was all over my jeans and hoody, not my naked body (sorry to disappoint). I was whipping cream for a crumble I had baked and I thought it was a pretty good anger management tool too – put all that creative tension into beating whipping the cream. I swear there’d be less abuse on the streets if kids just learnt to put their forceful emotions into creative creations, like whipping up cream, meringues, marshmallows…and then erm play with the food they’ve made… So anyway, digressing…
     I was attacking the cream with vigour and zest because, well, I have emotions. Eureka. Or not. What I was angry about is that my emotions don’t always behave as I see fit. So for years I’ve tried to suppress most of them and today I was beating them with a whisk, to somehow try to make them behave.
     It’s a weird thing, because I can talk a lot about my thoughts and feelings, but for me that’s very different to showing them and living them. When I talk about them it’s more as a means of trying to analyze them, fix them and make sure they disappear…if I disagree with them, which I often do. As a kid I got hurt in school by the bullies, at home by my step-mom. So for me it became a matter of keeping my pride intact by pretending not to care – caring would be a sign of weakness and I would be an idiot for doing so. What’s more I also got scared of showing I cared in a nice way, as in offering my friendship, or love, because in all likelihood that would end with rejection too. Giving in any way of myself became one of my most difficult tasks as I didn’t fancy rejection. With the years I got the hang of friendships and giving of myself a little bit, with fear still preventing me from going all the way, but with men, I was still absolutely petrified. As I thought loving someone meant rejection I wouldn’t even like falling in love. I would feel ridiculous, because what good would it do falling in love if it would only end one way anyway?
     When it came to emotions I also found them silly because why should I feel hurt from some idiot being nasty to me? Why should I care about a man who didn’t care for me? Why would I still get upset over having lost my mom years later? Why the hell should I be scared of losing people? Why was I so silly and scared of others opinion that I did not dare being friendly with them? I declared war on my own emotions. I did the things I feared – from declaring my love for people, to talking to strangers, I even shared my deepest secrets and anything else I was scared of, but I was always aloof whilst doing it and always ashamed of myself for feeling the way I felt. Always trying to numb my own fear, my own feelings. A false layer of self-confidence and aloofness was on top of everything. Even if I was talking about something that really hurt me, I pretended to be fine whilst talking about it. Totally cool about my own emotions. I never even allowed myself to feel them without getting angry.
     I’m the best actress in the world – I can say “I love you” and pretend I don’t care all at the same time, but at the same time I’m a bad actress because I can’t say anything emotional and actually mean it,, because I’ve been controlling and suppressing my emotions for so long I don’t know how to willingly show them. Well, I’m learning.
     Basically, I made a value judgement on myself at a very young age. I decided that if I felt bad, weak,  sad, or inferior about anything,  or if anyone could use my feeling against me (such as me being in love with them) I had to conquer that feeling, or I was bad. It’s only been in the last week or so that I have showed up around people actually allowing myself to feel everything I’m feeling and hanging with the tension rather than putting some thinly veiled layer of whatever on top (from entertaining, to calm and cool, to aloof as hell). And I have felt very free. Very free.  I can finally connect with people instead of spending every minute trying to be perfect, trying to pretend I don’t have any emotions that don’t suit me.
     But then, whilst unravelling all of this, of course you hit some real big emotions and then maybe some old thoughts and feelings such as “I really shouldn’t have those emotions, I’m a fucking freak” potentially enters. And then potentially you get angry with those emotions and try to push them away, even if you are laughing hysterically at yourself at the same time (and so is your best friend and her boyfriend). And then potentially, just potentially, you start beating up the cream and end up getting cream all over yourself…and that’s when you decide it’s time to get naked. Because naked with whipped cream all over is much sexier. Naked as you are. True to your heart and soul.

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