Ever had that moment when the sexiest person you ever met walked up to you and instead of singing hallelujah you go tangled up in your heels and fell over in one big mess? (If you are me that probably means that your mini-skirt by now is in a scandalous and compromising…erm…position…) It’s completely illogical right? I mean there’s this gorgeous hunk, your dream come true…and there’s you on the ground…
So why is it that we do this? A lot at stake and suddenly we get overwhelmed by fear instead of joy and end up getting tangled up in ourselves, whether in words or the suddenly ginormous difficulty of standing up straight.
Now rewind a little. Imagine that you know this gorgeous hunk will love you to bits no matter what you do. In his, or her, eyes you will be the sexiest beast alive so if you have garlic breath, wear your knickers (boxers) inside out and is as dis-coordinated and graceful as a drunk octopus. You cannot fail. So if this is the scenario, would you still trip over yourself? My guess is no, you wouldn’t.
My very highly intelligent and extraordinarily educated guess is that your fear is that you aren’t good enough, or unloveable. And by having this fear you start acting it out. Not being good enough, or unloveable that is. Maybe you start impressing – putting on some superior cover, or turning really, really funny all of a sudden (and people may, or may not see your brain about to boil over with the effort and feel slightly uncomfortable by this). Or you suddenly forget anything remotely interesting there ever was to speak about and turn silent. Or maybe you say the most idiotic things at the wrong time, or make the other person angry with you. Or, you end up on a heap on the floor, as blondie here has been very close to several times (this is however, sometimes also due to the fact that my brain is totally dis-coordinated when processing two things at the same time. This is bad enough in everyday life as I’m usually lost in thought and do ridiculous things, but when topics such as “hot man” and “how to get out of car” appear at the same time…disaster is close. We all know I got my nickname when I almost fell into a pool don’t we? Because there was a cute bloke on the other side…yes…co-ordination…).
I know myself fairly well and I know one of my most prominent fears in life growing up used to be what others thought of me. As I didn’t have a point of reference for what to think about myself I was petrified of other people’s opinions of me, as that determined my opinion of myself. So if other people’s opinion of me was not very nice, then that hurt, because I thought they were right. They were my only guidelines to what to think about me. My self-confidence after mom’s death, bullies and a step-mom that I didn’t get along with was sub-zero. So I shut myself away, petrified of giving of myself and being rejected for my heart.
Today I’d like to think I’m fairly self-confident, which is to say: I love myself quite a bit. But I can see there is still a part of me that believes I’m rejected. A part of me that is petrified of dating someone I actually care about (never mind the rest…), as I fear rejection and not sure my ego would handle the knock over. And sometimes in silly little instances, whether I send someone a message and they don’t reply, or I feel I’m in the way, or my friends get along better than me with everyone at a party…those sequin clad ghosts make an appearance… And it takes those 30 seconds…30 minutes…or 30 hours before you wake up to the reality of loving yourself again and feeling completely at peace.
We all have different ghosts. What I find so extraordinary though, is that when you are in the space of love and you’ve come to terms with life as well (i.e. you know people come and go, death happens and so on), life is just one big exciting journey where you are curious about everything. Where there is no pain beyond mourning the passages of life.
My inner pain and my inhibitions were so strong growing up that for me a world where I am open, giving of myself without restriction and love myself, rather than dread that I’m bad, is…the ultimate freedom. Where I don’t force myself doing something because I know I should, but do it confident knowing that whatever the outcome I love myself and am OK. Everything is about resonance when it comes to people, so if you know you are whom you want to be, then rejection won’t matter as you know the people who reject you aren’t the people whom you seek to be with. If you live a life of fear though, you might very well end up acting out your fears and receiving rejection because of it. You won’t receive rejection because of whom you are in your heart. In the heart we are all beautiful (although you will resonate more with some rather than others, because we are still different). To live that heart though and being able to see it in others, whether they act from it or not, that’s the real trick!
Mmm, we are all beautiful, hey?! Regardless of our ghosts that we sometimes encounter. I’m particularly fond of the sequin clad ones. Reminds me of dance shows I’ve done dressed in sequin. And I love the bling factor. You can’t miss them. I figure if you only have one life you might as well live it with bling…but then again if there are ghosts you might have a second try. As a ghost I mean. Wearing bling-bling and scaring people with flair.