Category Archives: achievement

You’re fucking A…

You have a beautiful soul. No matter what filthy mess you’ve gotten yourself into. No matter what financial mess you’ve created. No matter how much you fucked up with your spouse, the kids, the parents…you have a beautiful soul. It’s still in there. So stop beating yourself up and start living from that space instead.

No matter how many hours, days, weeks, or years, you’ve wasted messing yourself and/or your life and/or the people around you up, you can live a good life. Great life. Because you’re fucking A. Your soul is brilliantly beautiful and bloody marvelous. And you know it, don’t you?

We all know it.

Our own self-perception is weird, isn’t it? I keep thinking about what a mess my life is. It doesn’t matter how high up the ladder I climb, how kind people tell me I am, how many people I’ve helped…I keep looking at certain things thinking I’m an effing mess because I should be further along, or so I tell myself. Mess is my word of choice. I’m sure you have your own.

You can just live. This moment is all you have. And it’s your gift from up yonder. Yet, most of us have a measuring stick we are looking to, to check if we’re using this moment as we should. But what we really should is see it as a gift and live it as we want.

Maybe it’s just the other perfectionists and I who have that measuring stick. It’s natural that you know what’s good for your life and bad for your life. If you’re spending this moment robbing someone…well, it’s not going to serve you, or them. But if you are simply sitting there wondering if you achieved enough today, was good enough today, created enough today…then it’s time to shut up and start living instead of worrying. Enjoy yourself for F’s sake. Make use of this godly gift called life.

You know that one person who truly cares for your–the friend who loves you, the lover who treasured you, the child who adores you, the person who can’t wait to work with you again–maybe you should start seeing yourself through their eyes. Instead of thinking you aren’t worthy of their love and appreciation, act as a person who are. Accept that they see greatness in you, start seeing greatness in yourself and start acting as a person who is great.

And now I’m going to stop sulking about feeling behind in schedule and have a dose of I-love-myself-coffee. And possibly an Oreo cookie.

Yours truly,

Dizzy Blonde

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Filed under achievement, confidence, diary, Musings, perfectionism, self help, Self-confidence, Self-esteem, Self-help, Thoughts

Go a little wild already — why acting like a cave woman is really the way to go…

Welcome to the pity party. It’s a certain kind of glorious celebration of all our flaws and misfortunes, where the champagne flows together with tears, complaints and general misery.

Here’s the deal. I don’t know about you, but I, myself, and several of my friends, acquaintances and even people I’ve overheard talking in general, have been known to complain.

For example, you know the person who’s terrible with finances, but would like to become a millionaire (that’d be me), yet have never picked up a book about mindset and money, nor about how to manage personal finances, nor gotten a budget app. The person who can’t keep a boyfriend for more than two weeks, but would like to get married, yet have never ever read a book about what healthy relationships are all about, engaged in personal development to learn about themselves, or gotten therapy. The wannabe entrepreneur who isn’t running a business (also me), who has never picked up a business book, nor takes steps towards launching their business. The person complaining about being fat/unfit, but who won’t eat healthily, nor exercise. The person wanting to be in excellent health, but who smokes all the time. The person who’d like a job they would enjoy more, but who is not educating themselves, nor trying to work their way up the company, nor looking for another job. The person who wants great sex, but have never told their partner they’d like to try something different, nor picked up a book about sex, or sensual pleasures. The person who is feeling like shit all the time and would like to get happy, but does not attend therapy, nor read personal development books, nor attend personal development courses. Possibly they also don’t eat well, nor exercise, nor sleep on regular hours, nor have a healthy social life, nor engage their brain in interesting tasks, nor practice meditation and mindfulness, nor spend time in nature. All which are scientifically proven to improve one’s mood. The person who’d like to live in a fancy mansion and always complains about their apartment, but have never ever tried to decorate the place better, or improve it in any other way.

In short, there are a lot of people who want certain things and complain about not having them. They also have excuses for why they don’t have them, be it excellent health, or smashing finances. It’s a matter of time. A matter of money. A matter of not having the education. A matter of it being too difficult. A matter of someone, or something, getting in the way. A matter of…whatever the heck it may be.

I have excuses for the areas in my life that aren’t what they couldn’t be. A lot of them. They aren’t so much excuses as they are reasons. I don’t have great financces, because I spent all my money trying to rescue a child with PDA from himself. Ways I thought I should live life. But one day you wake up and realize that unless you flush those reasons, those behavioral patterns and those “look what got in the way” down the drain, you’ll never live a better, happier, healthier, more financially secure, more pleasurable and more fun life. You can wave goodbye to your dreams, your hopes and your desires.

I’ve been filling my brain with personal development lately. I’ve also been really annoyed with some other people not getting their shit together. And by listening to personal development books and making certain distinctions, while studying other people’s patterns, I’ve also seen my own.

There’s always an excuse not to go after your dreams. There are always habits that will get in your way. There are always people who will get in your way. And there is always going to be shit happening that’s going to derail you for a while, or be annoying as F. But there is only one way of getting to where you want to be — do everything in your power to get there and stop at nothing.

If you spent one week, just one week, focusing on a goal you want to achieve, letting yourself be derailed by nothing, how far would you get? If you ignore the house that needs cleaning, the bills that need paying, the lawn that needs mowing, the Netflix movies that need watching, the… If you just focused on that one thing, how far would you get? And if it was a matter of your mother needing surgery and you finding the money in 24 hours, how far would you get? What lengths would you go to? When the stakes are high, we usually get very creative and resourceful. When we think we have till forever to get off our asses and do what we know we must, we usually don’t move.

Move. Run. Go.

Your life is now, not tomorrow.

And if you really want to get that guy naked — there are no excuses. Just act like a cave woman, club him down and drag him to your bedroom. If he doesn’t like it, you weren’t meant to be. Now you can start fantasizing about someone else. (This is a metaphor. Don’t club him down. Just whip his ass and tell him to get his clothes off. Pronto.)

Yours truly,

Dizzy Blonde — aspiring entrepreneur and millionaire

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Filed under achievement, diary, Goals, Humor, Insights, Inspiration, Inspirational, Motivation, Personal Development, personal growth, personal stories, success

The logic of not giving a F…

Have you ever listened to someone’s logic and found it completely illogical? I have. Many times. Just enter my mind and you’ll have the most logically proven illogical ideas floating about. 

You see, as humans, we support our own logic based on anecdotal stories, beliefs, opinions, experience…you name it. What seems logical to us, is, in fact, completely and utterly illogical. 

Here, let’s do an example. 

I have two people in my life who don’t like seatbelts. Both claim it’s because they grew up in Africa and they love the freedom of driving without a seatbelt. Plus, they believe when your time is come, your time is come. So why bother with a seatbelt in the first place? 

Let’s imagine these two going bungee jumping. They have a choice between two companies offering bungee jumps. One has a sign reading: 

Bungee Jumps Offered Daily. 5 Out of 100 People Die as Ropes Sometimes Break. 10 Out of 100 Get Injured Due to Bad Quality Ropes.

Bungee Jumps Offered Daily. 100% Secure. No Deaths. No Injuries Caused by Equipment. 

Now, what company do you think they’d choose? 

It’s the same thing as wearing, or not wearing a seatbelt. Every day there are accidents on the road. Every day someone dies, or get injured. If you wear a seatbelt, chances of death and injury are less. If you’re in an accident wearing a seatbelt, you may end up with whiplash. Without it, you may end up with severe brain damage. Your choice. 

Our subjective realities constantly blind us to logic. 

Another favorite of mine: I drive better when I’m drunk. The proof? I’ve only had accidents when sober.

If we drive better when drunk, then science would long ago have proven that our ability to react is much better when drunk. On the contrary, it’s proven the opposite. 

It’s like saying: I have only had accidents after eating peanut butter sandwiches, therefore, peanut butter sandwiches cause accidents. Sure enough, if you believe it, you may start driving more erratically after eating them… But it isn’t the truth. It only become true if you let your mind act on the belief. 

The real truth is, we all have these things we believe to be true because we have stories and beliefs backing them up. And as is the case with drunk driving, some examples are pretty extreme. You’re willing to risk your own and other people’s lives because you believe in your own story. 

Similarly, look at the story about “who you are.” Look at me. As a kid my mom died and I felt she rejected me before she died. Then I had to move classes a few years later due to circumstance and I was put in a class where I got picked on. I went from popular to nerd over night. Then I got a step-mom who emotionally abused me. 

Now, that added up to me thinking there was something wrong with me. I thought that was a logical conclusion. I was rejected, therefore there was something wrong with me. Logical, right?! Is that the truth though? No. It’s not the truth. But I believed it, so I acted on it and my way of dealing with it was hiding away. I became shy. Very shy. Wouldn’t speak unless spoken to. 

Being shy was a protection mechanism. I literally remember thinking I wasn’t going to let them see my real self, therefore they couldn’t reject the real me. If I just disappeared, they couldn’t judge me. And moving forward, I became the person who didn’t speak. Therefore, I became rejected. That meant that I could hold onto the belief that there was something wrong with me.

In short, I was the person believing peanut butter sandwiches cause accidents and therefore driving erratically.  

I also had coping mechanisms. Like reading stories and escaping into another world and I practiced my skills to receive praise, so even if I couldn’t be loved, I could be admired. Fleeing into imaginary worlds and receiving admiration became my drugs. That then fell apart when I didn’t go onto becoming a world famous director straight out of school, but had to work odd jobs. I ended up depressed as hell, reached rock bottom and learned that actually, I didn’t have to achieve anything to love and accept myself, or be loved and accepted. All I had to do was open up. 

That was the first time in years I started to feel like I didn’t have a gaping hole inside myself. The first time since my mother died, I suppose. 

The thing is, not everyone change their story. They just keep doing things to back it up. Keep proving to themselves they’re right. 

I was having an argument with an addict recently. My argument? Get help. Their argument? “I’m not ready, I’m waiting for “my moment,” plus right now I prefer being an addict. It makes me feel good for now. But it’s OK. I’ll be OK in the end. Because I wasn’t born an addict so I won’t die an addict.”

If you have ever been around addicts or read literature on it, you know that addicts use stories to support their addiction. And those stories are controlled by the addiction, not their real selves. Just like my actions used to be controlled by a story I made up about myself, not my real self. I was shy, because I believed in that story. I became rejected because I was shy, which proved my story to be true. I sought to achieve massive things in life to relieve the pain of that story. That was my addiction. And I sacrificed a ton of things for that addiction. 

Usually addicts sacrifice a lot. They give up on doing everything they love or do significantly less of it, they’re neglecting relationships, they stop caring for their own health, they no longer hold themselves to the same moral standards they used to and they either isolate themselves, or surround themselves with people who enable their habit. In short, they’re slowly ruining all areas of their life (sometimes they manage to keep one area decently clean, depending on importance, such as a job that enables them to buy drugs is far more important than friends, for example) and putting the drug of choice in center stage. The drug slowly becomes more important than anything else.

I’ve spoken to people in recovery about this. How the drug is always right. If getting the drug means not seeing your child, then you don’t see your child. If getting the drug means stealing, then you steal. If getting the drug means lying, then you lie. Whatever it takes to get the drug/get high, is justified. It becomes the new logic. Because it’s the only thing that makes them feel good. 

From the outside, it’s lunacy. For them, it’s totally logical. They feel good. They’re fine. Their bodies are shutting down. They’re living in squalor. They’re fine. Because they have their drug. 

Of course, they have moments of clarity, but it’s fine. It’s all fine, because they’re in control. When they want to get well again they will. They can handle it. 

Their logic is completely fucked. And they can’t see it. Because there’s always an excuse, or an argument backing up their story. 

Hopefully, one day they break a hard limit. They do something that make them wake the fuck up. Like you know, the religious person stealing from a church to buy drugs. Or, like me, they hit rock bottom emotionally. The turning point. The place where they know they’ve sunk so low the only way is up. But some people, sadly, never stumble across such a thing.

The thing is, we all have addictions, or if you so like, do things because they’re supported by stories we tell ourselves. Like me hiding away in a corner, which was supported by the story that I had something wrong with me and couldn’t be liked/loved. And by hiding away in a corner, I got reject, which provided my story to be true. But I also had a story that I could be admired for my skills and hard work and, to some degree, my acquired personality. That was my drug — I used work as a coping mechanism. To me achievement was my drug. 

My life fell apart when I thought I couldn’t be admired. When my drug of choice was removed as I was outside the school system, where I’d always been admired. That’s when I faced my truth. That’s when I realized I could be happy without achievement. 

The thing with any kind of addiction, or coping mechanism, is that it’s us acting on our emotions. Like I feel unloved and believe I can’t be loved which hurts, let’s do something to get admired which feels good. Temporarily. Once the high is over, you’ll end up feeling empty again. Same thing if you use sex as a coping mechanism (a drug) when wanting love. And by doing it, you only prove to yourself that you can’t be loved. That you can only be admired, or only get sex, so you feel even worse. But as you still hold onto the idea you can’t be loved, what are you going to do? Have more of your drug, of course! 

When the emotional brain takes over, we fuck up. We become illogical. We rationalize behavior that’s completely and utterly illogical. 

When we act on our feelings we end up fucking ourselves over five ways to Friday.

If you’re feeling unloved, the logical thing is to deal with the root cause of it and realize it isn’t true, instead of chasing an Oscar (that would be me). That’s why people who win Oscars become depressed — they realize they still don’t feel loved. They’re still empty. All they did was relieve their tension by getting admiration. The real problem is still there. 

If you’re feeling stressed, the logical thing is to deal with the cause of the stress (such as a heavy workload), not watch Netflix (and the next day have an even heavier workload). 

If you’re feeling sad, the logical thing to do is to deal with the cause of your sadness and fill your life with happiness and genuine connection, not have a drink and the next day still have the sadness, plus the reality of having wasted a night drinking. 

When you feel things — impulses to do certain things — it’s a good idea to ask yourself a) is this part of a pattern of mine and if so, has that pattern led to me achieving great things? b) will this really lead to the end result I desire? c) what place am I acting from? Principle or feeling? If it’s principle, you’re acting from a place of integrity — doing the right thing. If it’s feeling, you’re likely trying to resolve your tension, unless the feeling is coming from your heart. If you can’t hear your heart, act from principle. Your heart would tell you to do right by yourself and others. So does principle. 

Another test is this: will this lead to genuine happiness? Will this serve my health? Will this serve my soul? Will this serve other people? Coping mechanisms will make you feel good while destroying your life. Genuinely good things will make you feel good while making your life better.

Will you be held hostage by your own emotions, or will you create the life you’d truly love to live?

In short, sometimes, not giving a fuck about your own emotions is a very good idea. 

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Filed under achievement, addiction, depression, Happiness, Psychology, Self-help, The Mind

I don’t have time for sex…

Two and a half years ago, I made a promise to myself. It was a very simple promise. It went a little bit like this: no more excuses.

I was at home for the holidays and my dad did or said something that pissed me off. I felt horrible. Then I realized that a) my dad loves me b) my dad tries to do and say things differently because he knows his ways sometimes upset me. So even if he still does and says things that upset me, I know he cares. He loves me.

Now, I was having PMS. So my emotions were going haywire. But I still realized that I can’t sit and mope about whatever shit my dad did in my childhood that fucked me up, or whatever he does today to piss me off. It’s my life. I’m responsible for my emotions. And my father loves me, so why do I get upset? Why do I blame him for MY emotions? And MY life?

We were all wounded as children. If it wasn’t our own family, it was society, some other adults, or some kids that did a number on our heads. But when we become adults it’s our responsibility to become who we want to be. No matter what baggage we were left with as children.

Do you have excuses?

I can’t have a good life, because I’m not earning enough money. I can’t find a partner, because I’m not good looking enough. I can’t meet deadlines, because I’m bad with estimating time. I can’t be on time, because that’s just the way I am. I can’t have a functional social life, because I’m constantly traveling (don’t ask me how many times I’ve used that one). I can’t exercise, because I’m lazy. I can’t make friends, because I’m shy. I can’t eat well, because I was raised on fast foods (or better yet: because I don’t have the time).

Some excuses are sneakier. I did well today, I deserve a cookie. I had a bad day, I deserve a shopping spree. I am tired, I deserve to leave work early today. I feel like shit, I deserve a night in bed instead of exercising. Do you deserve those things? Or do you deserve something that will ACTUALLY make you feel better in the long run? Such as being happy, healthy, fit and financially free?

Established neurological routes make us prefer to do what we’re used to, even if it’s not the thing that will make us feel better in the end. That’s why we have to constantly make ourselves aware of where we want to go and what we want to establish. I want to be fit, healthy, happy, financially secure, a good mother, etc. will drive you to make the right decisions. Focus on what’s working already, what is currently making you happy and where you want to go — your end result. Such as being fit, being happy, being a good mother etc. and let that inform you as to how you spend your time/make your choices. I also recently read a lot about using psychedelics to change your habits and I FINALLY listened to the abridged version of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, but I’ll write more about that tomorrow.

When I made that decision about no more excuses, I was pretty far down a hole I’d dug myself into, running around like a mad chicken trying to get a visa to raise the twins and launch a business, to get the visa, and make a living doing something I wasn’t enjoying, because I couldn’t get a job in South Africa, because I didn’t have a visa. My list of excuses were endless but they all came back to the visa. Couldn’t have a job, couldn’t have stable finances, couldn’t have the kids, couldn’t have a stable social life, couldn’t have a relationship because of the visa. I felt helpless to my own life. I couldn’t see a way out. I kept going, but didn’t know how to get through. I was miserable. I was happier as a person than I had been as I’d worked on myself, but I was miserable with circumstance.

I decided to embrace what I had. I had two kids I helped raising. Adoption rights be damned, stable visa be damned: I was going to do what I could with the resources I had. So I started doing what I could with them without money and a visa — started coming up with things we could do without finances. And when I was on the other side of the world, I vowed to do my best to focus on what I could do: work and visa, instead of fretting about the children. I also made a decision that if I didn’t get my visa, didn’t get the kids, I still needed to find happiness. And I was in a space where part of me felt like I could just die if it didn’t go through. But that’s not the mother I wanted to be; not the rolemodel I wanted to be.

That decision changed my life. But when I ran into more visa problems just as I thought things were working out, I hit a dark space again. The nightmares about the kids came back. My paranoia that I wasn’t far enough along with my finances, my career, my social life, my love life…everything fell on my head. That’s when I got a coach. Because I realized I needed to do something differently. If what I’d done up till then hadn’t been working, someone needed to bring me new ideas to work with. And that totally changed my life.

I started spending time making new friends, even if I was just passing by (mainly because my best friend called me on my BS around that one — told me to suck it up and get out there even if I was just passing by as I happened to be in Athens with her). I started dating again, even if I was just passing by. I started working on getting better freelance work, even if it wasn’t my dream work. I started exercising again, even if it wasn’t my dream way to exercise because that was too pricey and would take up too much of my time. I started doing everything I could within my means to change my life around. Not surprisingly, I started feeling a lot better.

That’s not to say I didn’t have difficulties along the way. I did. A lot. Because I was pretty far down that hole and I was in a very difficult situation with the kids and the visa. I know all too well what it feels like waking up in the middle of the night shaking from worry and fear. But did I want to feel that way for the rest of my life? No. So I started to fight for change.

My coach says there’s only one creative structure: taking action to get from where you are to where you need to be and stop at nothing to get there. Engage your will. If one thing doesn’t work, you try another, until you get there. If you engage your intuition, instead of acting out learned behavior, chances are you’ll get there sooner. As our subconscious tends to dictate our behavior. Which is why getting someone else to give you some pointers as to what thoughts are really in control of your life, is rather useful.

I still have excuses in my life. I’m human. Oops, that’s an excuse. But I see the excuses now. And I tackle one after the other.

If you only have the energy/time for five minutes of exercise a day, then exercise for five minutes. If you don’t have time to change your eating habits around, then at least drink a green juice a day, or eat a raw apple and carrot a day. If you’re petrified of people but want a social life, then find a way of socializing where you aren’t petrified. If you don’t have time to work on your relationship but want to improve it, then spend five minutes a day doing something for your partner/connecting with your partner. If you want to start saving money, but don’t have money to save, then save a penny a day, or spend five minutes a day on building an extra income. If you would like to start a business/change your career, then spend five minutes a day on it. And if you don’t know how to do something, it’s not an excuse. Just Google it. Incredible invention.

There are usually a way to find a way around your own lousy excuses for why your life stinks. The first one is deciding there are no excuses. The second deciding you have the power to change your life. You are a powerful creator. After all, look at what you’ve created so far. Even if it wasn’t great, you created it. Now you can create something else. And once you start doing something small, you realize you have the power to do something big. Also, start thinking about what you HAVE accomplished that are good, the things that are currently working in your life and what you’re grateful for.

Start calling yourself on your own bullshit. There are no excuses. Even if you can’t do what you want, do what you can. Even if it’s the tiniest thing ever. Do something. Anything. To move your life forward. One step at a time.

And if you don’t have time for sex, I’d recommend you’d get really good at giving people orgasms in five minutes, or less.

Yours truly, over and out.

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Filed under achievement, Goals, Inspiration, Inspirational, Motivation, success, Uncategorized

An orgasmic experience…

No, I’m not talking about OM meditation. Though some of my friends in San Fran swear by it.

Nor am I talking about tantra, though I have attended workshops.

I’m not even talking about sex at all. I’m talking about you. Yes, YOU.

I love mornings. As the sun rises, I can feel the life force beating within me. The raw force of being alive. The hunger to live. Or, at the very least: the longing for a cup of coffee. 

I have desires awakening within me and it feels good.

There have been times when I haven’t had that. When I’ve needed a soak in an ice cold bathtub to even be able to feel my own soul. But the soul doesn’t die. It just goes to sleep sometimes. 

Anyway, I see mornings as a new beginning. A clean slate. A chance to start over. 

And this morning there were some particularly beautiful clouds in the sky and I was feeling excited about the day ahead. About life. About new beginnings. 

And what hit me is that new beginnings mean forgiving ourselves. To truly let go of our past. 

You are not your yesterday. Simply, because it’s not yesterday anymore. Today is a new day. So you can be whoever you like. 

Sure, you may have scars. Bleeding wounds, even. Some of us have no job, weigh fifteen pounds too much, have a horrible relationship, are a million dollars in debt, are complete sugar addicts, or some other such nuisance we have to deal with. Beause we do have have to deal with it, but we don’t have to be stuck with it. Bury ourselves in it. It can become the past too, if only we let it.

Look upon it this way: you can think about yourself as an unfit loser who prior to today hasn’t exercised in ten years, or you can think about yourself as someone who is now exercising. The two will bring about very different feelings and, therefore, very different actions. 

Most people make their problems, perceived flaws, past mistakes, and supposed undesirable sides, their main focus. Then they freak out and do something to try to resolve the tension they feel. Like downing a bottle of wine, exercising for ten hours straight, eating a cake, binge watching Netflix, or burying themselves in work. Which only creates more problems. So when you shift your focus to think about something else — something other than your problems or flaws — your life changes. Because you stop doing the stupid shit you’re doing to mentally have a break from your problems.

Face the problem/pain. Because you have to. Then move past it. Refocus your attention.

So, even if you haven’t exercised for ten years and are fifteen pounds overweight, think about yourself as someone who exercises. Even if it’s just walking around the block. Congratulate yourself on that. What you did the past ten years doesn’t matter. What you’re doing right now, which is walking around the block, is what matters. Soon, as someone who exercises, you’ll naturally walk two blocks. This will make you feel better, so you’ll start doing small sprints. Then you’ll…

You’re free you know. Free not to think about your past. Free to create your future. Free to do whatever the hell you like. So choose to do something that serves you. Something that fuels you. Something that lifts your spirits. It may take a while for you to really feel it. No one feels great when exercising for the first time in ten years. Nor does saving a dime when you owe a million feel like much. Most likely: you don’t feel it. May take three weeks to notice a difference in your state of mind after chaning your habits. But sure as hell you’ll notice. You’ll move forward. You’ll feel better. 

And remember: it’s not about an overnight overhaul. You don’t have to stop eating sugar entirely. You can just make sure you have one cake instead of two. Or eat a salad before the cake. Or go for a run before eating the cake. Set little goals. Tiny ones. If you can’t handle the big stuff, and most people can’t over night, do the little stuff. Don’t think about it as climbing Kilimanjaro. Think about it as stepping stones.

Can’t master that? Can’t save a dime a day, or go for a run before having cake? Then do something else that you CAN do. Smile at someone. Hug someone. Donate a dollar to a worthy cause. Plant a tree. Smile at the shy girl. (As someone who used to be shy I can tell you now that a smile…it can be life transforming. That’s the power you have.) Join a charity. Do an act of kindness.

Because, you see, the more you do worthy things, the more worthy you feel. The worthier you feel, the easier it will be to forgive your past and present woes and allow yourself to do the things that make you happy in the present. Because suddenly, you feel like you deserve them. And by doing them, you become an even better person.

Really, the solution for an orgasmic life is love. Because if you love yourself you automatically do things to create what you love and give love to others. Your life’s pleasure level will be on top. But most of us don’t love ourselves inside and out, so it helps with, you know giving a flower to a homeless person, even if you don’t feel like it. Because even if you messed everything else up that day, at least you know you did something good. And it’s that one good thing you need to hold onto.

So even if you don’t feel like getting out of bed in the morning for your own sake, do it for someone else. Do it for something beyond you. Something bigger than you. Failing that, hire someone to kick you out of bed every morning. Create a structure you can’t get out of.

Life is about two things: your thoughts and your habits; your structure. If you change your thoughts, you change your structure. If you change your structure, you change your thoughts. And if you change either, you change your life.

You’re free. Today is a new day. A clean slate. An orgasmic opportunity. So look upon yourself as a present opportunity, not a past mistake. Look upon yourself as someone who has the power to transform lives. If so, only with a smile. And I can tell you right now, that while a smile to a stranger may change their lives, or at the very least: make their day better, a smile to someone who loves you means the world to them.

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Filed under achievement, addiction, Goals, Inspiration, Motivation, Spirituality, success, Uncategorized

Wandering thoughts on naked bodies…

i’d like to wander

all over you

hands caught in your hair

fingers stroking your chest

lips touching yours

skin to skin

in a wonderful dance

of pure lust

and soul connection

Isn’t that what we do? We deep dive into a person’s soul, while touching their body? We wander all over them and in them. We seek. Explore. Find out.

It’s beautiful. Really.

The problem is that most people aren’t living the beauty of their soul, but the mess of their thoughts. And they’re creating havoc. But you don’t see that. You see their soul — glorious and alive. Beautiful. A mesmerizing light. Pure. Stunning.

I found this quote today. “Stop wondering. Start wandering.”

It’s true.

How many times have you found yourself wondering what life would truly be like if only? If only you called that friend, asked that man/woman out, explored that path…did something different?

I believe we’re the happiest when we give up on expecting people and life to give us things and start exploring them instead. When we truly know we don’t know what will happen next. When our own life turns into a journey of discovery as we are no longer afraid of our own thoughts, what other people will think, or what life will serve up. We accept that we don’t know. We have no expectations on the outcome beyond exploring the moment to the full. We go beyond our ego and into the present. We are wandering instead of wondering.

It may be a difficult quest, but it’s a worthy one. Because with each step you’ll feel better.

I used to be scared of my own thoughts. Used to fear the bad ones. But when I get curious and look at them instead of running from them, they stop hurting. Because I know they are not me. They’re just a thought I’m having.

I used to be scared of what other people thought of me, but when I start seeing people as interesting creatures creating their own form of reality based on their thoughts, I stop being afraid. When I stop needing them to treat me nicely, or loving me, I no longer fear them. I just see them for what they are: humans.

I used to be scared of not achieving my goals, but when I started thinking about life as a series of moments I’m creating, as opposed to a series of goals I need to achieve, I started living instead of constantly beating myself up, or planning to live “one day.”

That doesn’t mean I don’t want certain things; don’t have certain goals. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be loved, or don’t want to think happy thoughts. It simply means I don’t let my own expectations get in the way of leading a happy life.

I believe we are all fierce explorers when we are happy. That we go out there and explore ourselves, others and the world. That we are curious instead of frightened. Excited instead of afraid. Courageous instead of petrified.

That doesn’t mean we don’t have fear. Of course we do. We still have thoughts, after all. But we see beyond the fear. See that it is nothing but make-believe. Nothing but a thought in our mind. A thought we can move beyond. Because the thought is not who we are. Our soul is who we are.

Because you see beyond your fear, you give it all you’ve got, instead of a percentage of your being. You jump head-first into the waves as opposed ot just getting your toes wet. You love wildly. You pursue your dreams fiercly. Because you’re happy. Even if every person, or destination, doesn’t give you what you want, or you fuck up badly. That’s just life. Getting caught thinking about it is destruction. Focus creates reality. Focus on what’s working, where you’re going and what you’d love to experience.

Don’t wonder what it would be like. Explore it. Deep dive into it. Yes, you’ll walk on thorns. Don’t fear them. Don’t avoid them. Walk past them. Because on the other side are the roses.

Be a wanderer, not a wonderer.

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Filed under achievement, conscious lifestyle, Goals, human spirit, Life, life lessons, Love, Poem, poetry, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Taking charge…

This is one hell of an epic blog. No, it’s not because I’m such an epic writer (but I am). No, it’s not because it’s funny as F or because I have turned everything into a sexual metaphor that’ll make you laugh (for once it isn’t). No, this blog is epic, because every time I read it, I learn something. 

You see, this is actually an interview I did for Vigyaa a little while back. I interviewed someone I respect. Someone who has helped me endlessly. Someone who has changed my life for the better. Someone I have a lot of faith in. I interviewed my coach. 

We spoke about fate v.s. faith. Destiny v.s. being in charge of creating our lives. Maybe it was fate that I met Marc. Maybe it was fate that I got in touch with his partner when I woke up one day and decided I’d had enough of living my life the way I was living it. Maybe it was all fated. But since I started working with Marc, my life has changed because I worked for that. 

I started by asking Marc what the first thing he teaches his clients is (as when he started coaching me, I already knew some of the principles he was teaching, if not in the way he was applying them). 

His answer was that you have to start by accepting that you are responsible for everything you create in your life. Because of the agreements you’ve made with yourself (i.e. your beliefs) you are generating emotions that generate behaviors that, in turn, create patterns in your life.  

If we are unconscious (i.e. not aware of the thoughts in our conscious/subconscious) then we are unconscious to the behaviors that create these situations. I.e. we just can’t understand why we are always so lucky at work and always so unlucky in love. We think life just happens to us. 

Life, in reality, is a series of choices. If we’re unconscious, we don’t understand that we have a choice. Ca. 90% of the population have no experience of being fully conscious. Being unconscious is the same as saying you can’t see the label from inside the jam jar — you don’t have an experience outside the jar. You don’t know there’s a possibility to have it even. Basically, you’re trapped within your own point of view and you aren’t even aware of it.

We simply don’t realize that we’re creating our life and the choices we’re making to create it. We are creating unconsciously and must make a decision to become conscious, if that’s what we want. Once a client understands this, once they understand that they are creating a lot of what’s going on in their lives, Marc agrees to start coaching them. 

That’s not to say it’s someone’s fault what they’ve created — they aren’t aware of the things that motivated them to create it. 

If you want to consciously/awarely start creating your life, you need to know that there is only one creative structure: knowing where I am and where I want to get to. Then there are steps to take to get there. 

Creating something can be intuitive — by using our intuition we speed things up. It needs to be heart based for this to happen. If you intuitively get where you are and where you need to go, as well as the steps you need to take to get there, then you speed things up. 

If, on the other hand, you’re letting your beliefs run the show and approach something unconsciously, it becomes dysfunctional. By doing it consciously and intuitively, it becomes functional. 

Sometimes we go through life unconsciously, then have a glimmer of recognition about what it means to be conscious. 

Marc always used to date men who cheated on him. Then he dated one guy and his friends told him he was cheating on him. He said that could surely not be true, and asked the guy if he cheated on him. He denied it. But Marc started to have an inkling that something felt familiar. As if he was repeating a pattern. And sure enough, he found out that the guy was lying to him.

In the past, Marc would deny any recognition that someone was cheating on him until it became blatantly obvious. This time, he took the time to find out; started noticing that something seemed similar to other cheating guys when he denied he was cheating. 

Marc, in the past, was acting from his ego. Once he started becoming conscious, he started acting form his heart. He would feel into a situation and ask himself if what was going on truly felt right. Did he really think the guy was telling the truth? Once he started feeling into it intuitively, he knew the answer. He no longer let himself be blinded by his own desires, which, in the end, always led him to disappointment. 

This is mine, Maria’s metaphor: Think about it as a ship taking you to America. You really want to go to America. Somewhere deep down inside, you also think life’s hard. Filled with difficulties. Bad things happen to you. But you have decided once you get to America, everything will change. So you buy a ticket to a ship that’s leaking. It’s just a small leak. The captain says it will be fine. You can’t afford another ticket (or at least you don’t think so), so you go ahead with it. You fill your mind with dreams of America. You push aside the little nudge of worry that you can feel inside. The captain says it’ll be fine. Surely it will be fine. And America — you’re finally going to America! 

You’re listening to your ego and your ego has decided everything will be OK once you get to America. So you board the ship and half way there, the ship starts leaking badly and everyone’s evacuated and taken home to where they came from. You didn’t get to America and you lost your money for the ticket as you had no insurance. Something bad happened to you, because life’s hard. Just like you have always thought.

When we listen to our ego, we create things to prove our beliefs to be true; we do not create our dreams. When we create from our heart, we start creating what we’d truly love. When you listen to that voice telling you that the ship isn’t safe, you stop. You don’t buy the ticket. Even if it would have taken one month longer to save up the money for the better ticket to America, you would have gotten to America. 

Ask yourself which vibration you are coming from? What lens are you seeing things through? What stories are you telling yourself? Are you telling yourself things that are defeatist in nature (such as: I can’t afford a better ticket)? Are you giving away your power? Not exploring something you’d love to explore because you’re scared? Some people never board the ship at all, because they’re too scared to actually get to America. Or, they board the ship that will sink so that they can say they tried, but it never worked out. It wasn’t right for them. Fate got in the way.

Whatever you’re thinking creates an emotion in you and it’s from that emotion, that vibration, that you’re creating things. If you believe Mercury in retrograde is going to cause problems, then it will. Because you will act in such a way that it does.

When we feel fear and anxiety, such as fearing what will happen when we get to America, then we try to resolve that fear/anxiety; that psychological tension. 

Some people solve tension by drinking too much. Some by sitting frozen in front of Netflix, or procrastinating in other ways. Some by speaking to their friends for hours on end. 

Will having a drink, watching Netflix or talking to a friend really take you closer to your goal? Or are you just using it to get a temporary fix where you feel better (but truly wasted time that could have been used to actually work towards your goals)?

If you know how you behave when feeling any given emotion, then you can predict what you will do. There’s a structure to everything, including your behavior. 

For example, if every time you get stressed at work and feel overwhelmed, you resolve tension by going to the pub after work and getting drunk, instead of staying late and working over time, then you know how you tend to resolve tension (and make the situation worse; because the next day you’ll have even more work to deal with and a hangover to boot).

If you know the story you tell yourself, such as “I had a really long day at work, I deserve a beer”  then you also know how to change it. For example, you could tell yourself: “I am feeling stressed, but if I stay at work for two hours longer today, then I will have made headway for tomorrow and I really want to knock my boss’ socks off, so I’ll do that.” 

Funnily enough, by not resolving your tension, you tend to become less stressed/anxious/fearful, than if you do. 

Resolving tension is really just people’s way of coping. It’s a pattern they’ve developed as a coping mechanism. At some point the person who goes to get drunk after work really thought that was the only way of coping with the stress. No matter how illogical it is, because it is only providing temporary relief and in the end, making the situation worse than it was to start with.

People have different patterns for different things. Some people when they are anxious eat, when they are lonely drink, when they have stress shop, when they get overwhelmed binge watch television and so forth.

Work out your dysfunctional stories and overwrite them with functional ones.

It’s a lot more functional to sit down and fill your diary with social engagements, rather than drink when you feel lonely. It won’t create an immediate release, but it will cure loneliness in the long run. Having a drink might make you feel great in the present, but you’ll be just as lonely the next night. 

Resolving psychological tension is often like taking a flu tablet — it temporarily gets rid of the symptoms, but it doesn’t cure the flu. It might even have gotten worse by the time the effects of the tablet wears off as you used the time in the wrong way; feeling great when in fact you still had a high fever temporarily relieved by the tablet. You didn’t rest and heal. You over exerted yourself. 

A real life example would be feeling stressed about finances, drinking to resolve the tension, getting caught for a DUI, then having no transport and having to spend more money getting to work using Uber. 

This is what happens when we react to emotional triggers in ways that are not beneficial (our negative set of core beliefs start acting out). And often we have well established patterns for how we react in different situations. If we keep reacting in the same way, keep resolving tension in the same way, then we keep repeating the same patterns over and over again. Because sooner or later we will experience the same kind of tension (same trigger) and act in a similar way. 

There will always be tension when you’re working to create something. The goal is to resolve the tension a) by taking steps to get you closer to the goal b) by reaching the goal. That’s the functional way of resolving tension — taking steps to reach your goal and then reaching it. 

Most people are in a reactive cycle their entire life — working to resolve tension and proving their beliefs to be true. Every time a belief gets proven to be true it carves a deeper pathway in the brain. Imagine it as the wrinkles in the brain that get deeper and deeper (this is obviously not a scientific explanation, but a metaphor). As the grooves, or wrinkles, get deeper over time, it’s harder to undo them. If someone taught you how to make conscious decisions at the age of ten, it would be a lot easier to learn than at the age of 45. The pathway would have been a lot less shallow at age ten and there’d be a lot less resistance. 

Of course, once you learn you’re on autopilot — that you’re just automatically reacting to life — then you can change it. 

Sometimes you look around you see some people who, quite frankly, you think are assholes. Ever wondered how a world leader can behave as appallingly as they do? But they’re on autopilot like the rest of the world. If they think the only way to get somewhere in life is to manipulate, then they will do that. They aren’t even conscious of doing it. This is why you mustn’t take things personally. People do most things as a reflex reaction. People are slaves to their own unconscious unless they have the option of becoming aware presented to them. 

Jung said: Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will drive your life and you will call it fate. 

You think it’s fate that creates the same things for you over and over again, but it’s actually you creating them as you have an automatic behavior pattern when presented with different situations. 

It’s like when Marc’s friends told him his partner was cheating and he just wouldn’t listen. He chose to think they were lying, rather than thinking his partner was lying. If he would have listened immediately, he would have had the option to end the relationship and creating a better one, going into it aware of his own patterns. But as so many others, he didn’t want to admit to what he didn’t want to be true. Which is ironic as it only creates even worse problems. 

The thing is, we can’t blame ourselves, or others, for being unconscious. Until we become aware we don’t really have a choice for how we react. We first have to realize that we have that choice. It’s like waking up one day and realizing you’ve been drunk for your entire life. 

In fact, most conscious people don’t get drunk, or use drugs, as they are enjoying the life they’re living. They don’t need drugs, or alcohol, to relieve their tension. Because they make conscious choices, they have less tension to resolve. 

Marc’s father, during WWII, had to dive into a latrine during a fight and was in there for seven days until he could get out again. He got malaria, shock, rat bites, etc. but as soon as he was physically sound, he was discharged from hospital. 

From then on, when he heard a loud noise, such as his children screaming, he’d pick up the first thing in sight that could be used as a weapon, and lash out. This kept going until he got MS at the age of 63 and was hospitalized. At the hospital they figured out he has PTSD. They treated him for that too. After that, he never hit anyone, or anything, again. 

Marc’s father was acting unconsciously, until the day they treated him for PTSD. And in the same way, most people are simply reacting to life in a set pattern. They don’t even realize they have a choice to react differently. 

But even at the age of 63 change is possible. And as seen with Marc’s father, some change can happen over night. 

In Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl, he explains that there were two types of survivors coming out of the concentration camps after WWII. There were those who felt like survivors; like their psyche had been damaged, but their soul was intact. Then there were those who felt that their soul had been damaged and that they were tarnished. They felt like victims for life. 

In a similar manner, you choose whether to see yourself as a survivor, or as a victim. 

Heaven isn’t a place where you go, but where you’re reunited with God, but you can be now as well. You can connect to God. You’re just living the illusion of separation. Of an individual experience. God is everything. We were just created so that s/he could experience themselves. Thus, your soul cannot be damaged. 

Marc’s belief is that we are brought here to experience what we want. However, until you become conscious, you’re just experiencing what you’ve been programmed to experience. You just keep experiencing your beliefs. 

To feel separate from God we have to be wounded (psychologically/by our ego). You have the permission to create whatever you want. If you’re living from your wound, then you’re living unconsciously. It will direct your life and you’ll call it fate. The more conscious you become, the more life will feel like it’s worth living. You’ll get the freedom to start dreaming. It’s the reward of consciousness. Humans have to also take steps to create things.

Basically, you’re responsible for what you create. God has given you permission to create on Earth. In a sense, you are God on Earth — that’s the gift you were given from up yonder: the ability to create. And the stories you tell yourself, consciously and unconsciously, are responsible for what you create on Earth. If you start telling yourself different stories, you’ll take different actions and that will create different results. All you have to do to create something is take steps. 

Now that you know how to create, will you employ that and start creating consciously? Will you choose the stories you tell yourself every day? Will you choose to take action on your dreams? Or will you continue to conjure up stories in your mind, that make you react in unfavorable ways? Everything is structural and you choose your structure — aware, or unaware. You have to ask yourself: do I want to explore this thing called awareness, or do I want to stick my head back in the sand?

Being aware, being conscious, is like that shiny new boyfriend. But you can also choose to go back and being cheated on. Like Marc used to do — go back to the cheating boyfriend. He didn’t take in what people were saying. Normally we don’t. We scan when listening and only take in what we are capable of; what suits our beliefs. He had a thought men can’t be trusted and his unconscious agenda was to prove that thought true. Until he figured out what he was doing. Then everything changed. Then the battle became to stay conscious of his choices; realizing he had a world of choices open to him. 

For him it was realizing that a lot of men can’t be trusted, but some can. The ones that can behaved differently. The ones who cheated had a certain MO (modus operandi). Once he met his current partner, the question of cheating never even came up in nine years. His partner loves him. He’s not someone manipulating him into trusting him. 

No one is 100% conscious all the time. If you are tying your shoelaces, for example, you’re probably not even aware of what you’re doing. You don’t have to be. You can be on autopilot for that task. 

When it comes to being aware of what you’re thinking, if you’re 30-40% conscious you’re close to proficient. If you’re over 50% you’re very proficient. Anything more than that, it’s a bonus. 

Once you become conscious, you start thinking about being of service to others. Not necessarily changing the world, just serving others through your heart and the resources you have available. When you do, your life shifts. But when you’re unconscious, you’re usually struggling so much, you can’t even think about being of service to others. If you don’t have a roof over your head, or you’re not comfortable with some aspect of your life, you’re struggling. 

If you choose to be of service, you start seeing people through a different lens. You start asking yourself how you can serve them, rather than vice versa. 

When you become aware/conscious you also start having faith. Faith things will work out. Faith you’ll reach your goals. That removes stress and worry and changes your vibration. You don’t need to know how something will happen, you just know it will happen. Coming at it from that angle, you are acting from a functional state of mind. You’re relaxed, happy and eager to find solutions and move forward. This means you’ll be creating what you want. 

Having faith also means you’re no longer in reaction. You have faith things will turn out well, so you don’t need to go and get drunk, because you want to relieve your tension. You don’t get very stressed, so you don’t need to resolve the tension. You have faith you’ll meet your deadlines, earn your money, find friendship, find love, solve this or that problem, etc. In turn, this means you’ve broken your dysfunctional patterns. You’re taking steps to create your goals, instead of steps to resolve your current tension.

You’ve become a powerful creator, focusing on what you want to create and having faith you’ll achieve it. 

Maybe meeting Marc was my fate, but I would never have been coached by him, unless I had messaged his partner saying “I’m looking for a coach.” I was thinking about that today. How a single “hello” can save our life, or at the very least: change it. But we have to be willing to do it. Marc coaches me, but without me taking action, nothing changes. I have to move my feet. 

I think destiny is a funny thing. It’s like a knock on the door. Maybe the knock was orchestrated by God, but you choose if you answer the door. Then you choose, once opening it, if you let what’s out there inside. 

Opening the door does not mean letting someone, or something, in. It means we’re willing to explore. It means we’ve got an open mind. And if we like what we see, we can let change inside. 

You’re in charge. Maybe fate plays a role in what happens, but you’re the one responding to it. You’re the one opening and closing doors. Fate may have brought you a door, but you’re the door’s master. You’re not fated. But you might wanna have faith…

This is Marc’s website, should you want to stalk the man online.

To round it off, here’s the poem Nelson Mandela read to himself every day in prison. We’re all in our own mental prison. So maybe this poem is a good reminder that only we can change our lives. 

Out of the night that covers me, 

      Black as the pit from pole to pole, 

I thank whatever gods may be 

      For my unconquerable soul. 

In the fell clutch of circumstance 

      I have not winced nor cried aloud. 

Under the bludgeonings of chance 

      My head is bloody, but unbowed. 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears 

      Looms but the Horror of the shade, 

And yet the menace of the years 

      Finds and shall find me unafraid. 

It matters not how strait the gate, 

      How charged with punishments the scroll, 

I am the master of my fate, 

      I am the captain of my soul. 

Invictus, by William Ernest Henley

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How to climb Kilimanjaro without moving your butt (and other useful tips)…

Have you ever had a conversation with someone where you felt like a total loser in comparison? Like they’re busy climbing Kilimanjaro while you’re climbing the nearest hilltop? Or can’t even seem to get off your blooming chair? That.

Don’t worry. You aren’t alone. We all compare ourselves to various people and feel like the person sitting on a chair while they’re climbing Kilimanjaro. And they’re excitedly telling us about how we can climb too and we don’t believe them. Because we can’t get off that chair. 

Imagine a guy. He likes burgers and fast food. He hates his job. He’s married, but even though he loves his wife, he isn’t happy. He loves football (that’s soccer for you Americans), but doesn’t play anymore. He loves motorbikes, but sold his for a bigger car for the kids. 

This guy isn’t that unusual. In fact, pretty much half of America can relate. If so just a little bit. 

Now, if you tell this man he could live a life where he’s loving his job, rocking a six-pack and having a marriage that kicks ass, he’ll nod. A life where he feels confident and on top of things. Where he feels successful. He’d like that. But how? He doesn’t know. He doesn’t even care. He’s not inspired to change. He’d like things to change. To be happy. Like he once was. But he doesn’t know where to start. And he’s tired. The poor diet, the lousy job and the unhealthy relationship are draining him. The little joy he gets from eating a burger, watching a game on telly and having a laugh with his friends is all he wants. He can’t be bothered to do anything else. 

If you tell him he can be happy and healthy again, all he has to do is change one tiny little thing, he probably wouldn’t believe you. But he’d probably try. Because somewhere in there, he wants a life. 

So you tell him: have a salad before every meal. A fruit salad before breakfast and a green salad before lunch and dinner. 

So he has a salad before every meal. A small salad. 

After a few weeks he starts craving those salads. In fact, he starts craving fruit and vegetables. So ever so often, instead of eating a burger, he just eats a bigger salad. 

As he makes these changes to his diet, he starts feeling better. More enthusiastic somehow. He has more energy. So he calls you and tells you this. You tell him it’s fantastic. Congrats. Would he like another tip? Yeah, he does, because he’s feeling better. 

You give him another tip: every day at lunch go for a five-minute walk. Just five minutes. That’s all. Really? Five minutes. Yep, just five minutes. 

So, in addition to eating his salads, he starts going on five-minute walks. After a while he starts craving them, because they make him feel good. Calm his mind. Increase his energy. So he starts going for walks after dinner as well. To have a breather. To enjoy the sunset. Then he starts increasing the time he walks. He knows you told him he shouldn’t, but he can’t help himself. Because it makes him feel good. 

As he is feeling more energized, he has energy to do things after work, instead of just sitting down on the couch. So one day, after a particularly lousy day at work, he decides to look for another job. He finds one. Applies. Doesn’t get it. This frustrates him. He eats a burger, but while eating the burger he is still angry. He has the energy to be angry. So he applies for another job. 

This time, he gets the job. It doesn’t offer a payment upgrade, but it offers him an environment he’s happy in. So he takes the job. 

Now he’s eating better, he’s exercising and spending time outdoors as he’s walking and he’s got a job that leaves him happy by the end of the day. He has energy to spare when he comes home, so one day he sits looking through some old photos. He remembers some good times with his wife and even though he now thinks she’s mainly a nagging b**** he decides to take her out, for old times sake. And because he’s feeling good that day, he wishes for her to feel good too.

His wife feels appreciated when asked on a date and taken to a nice restaurant. She smiles. She shares some stories from work. She feels emotionally connected to her husband again, so when they come home, she wants sex. 

The next day, the man is feeling good about himself. He has a job he likes and a wife who went down on him the night before. So he decides to go have a look at some motorbikes, because that’s how they made him feel: on top of the world. 

He looks at bikes and gets excited, but also a bit sad as he can’t afford them. So he eats a burger, but when he comes home that night, his son asks him to play some football with him. As he isn’t exhausted, he agrees. As he plays he suddenly remembers why he used to love it. It feels so much better playing a game, than watching a game. He feels alive; engaged in the game. So he decides to find a local club to join. Somewhere he can play just for fun. 

Weeks go by. The man is eating better than before (but still enjoying his burgers), his job makes him happy, he has energy to spend time with his wife, who in return has become happier and is praising him instead of reprimanding him and he’s having fun playing football with his club and his son. His newfound energy also makes him do a better job at work. So he’s offered a promotion. And he goes to buy a motorbike. 

The man is now not only healthier, but happier, richer, more fulfilled and a better father and husband. So he calls you and tell you that he’s climbing Kilimanjaro. “You see?” you say. “All you needed to do was make one change. Just one tiny change. That’s all. And now you’re climbing Kilimanjaro.” 

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Your inner dominatrix…

Have you ever considered yourself to be in control? Maybe even a control freak? Or someone who likes pushing boundaries, winning races, chasing goals…someone who aims to win and fights to get there?

I have. I’m driven like crazy. I work like a maniac when I want something. I love adrenaline thrills. I will whip my own ass till I’m screaming in pain. And I like it. (This is a metaphor guys, I do not whip my own ass. Just to clarify. This blog, through the years, has created a fair amount of confusion.)

The thing is, as I’m whipping my own ass to move forward, it’s not always encouraging whips. In fact, half of them act as punishment. Punishment for fucking up. For not being far enough along the road. For not being good enough. I punish myself endlessly for wanting to be better than I am.

These days my internal dialogue is a lot better than it used to be. Because instead of whipping my ass endlessly, I shift my attention to what’s working, what I’ve achieved and what I’m enjoying, because I know this is what will bring me to my goals. Focus creates reality. The more you focus on what’s working, the more you’ll create of that.

We punish ourselves because we think we deserve it and because we think it will move us forward, but that’s an illusion. In fact, it only derails us.

Punishment is a vicious circle. You fuck up. You feel bad about fucking up. So you fuck up more to punish yourself, or you sit doing nothing reveling in your own guilt, or trying to numb it by working yourself to death/downing your preferred poison/eating/working out. This is why I was petrified of drugs when I was younger. Back then I really didn’t like myself much. And drugs, to my mind, was about as low as you could go. Then you’d really lost control over yourself. I didn’t grow up seeing drugs as something you did at parties. I grew up seeing drugs as your one way ticket to the street. The ultimate surrender to your own ineptitude. And I was scared due to the circle of punishment — if I took a drug once I’d take it again. Not to get high and numb my pain, but so I could hate myself more. And the more drugs I’d take, the more I’d hate myself, so the more I’d have to take to punish myself. I’d read books about control freaks like myself completely losing it to drugs. And they scared the bejesus out of me.

Possibly ironically, I ended up working with substance abuse and raising and mentoring the children of drug addicts. Plus, I have enough recovering addicts in my life to write a book about it. Many have told me they take/took drugs because they can’t handle pain. I, on the other hand, revel in it. I take long baths in it. Which is probably why I never got addicted to substances. I’m too busy breaking my back chasing my next adrenaline kick. The pain fighting for it only fuels me on. That’s my drug. Tell me I can’t do something and I’ll break myself trying. I thrive on challenges.

My point with this post was not my paranoia about drugs, but pain. That inner dominatrix who is whipping its way around your life, causing havoc. Tell me, how many times have you punished yourself for something you did in the past? Once, twice, a thousand times? And how many times a day do you punish yourself for what you didn’t achieve that day, how much better you could be at x, y, z, or how you fucked up that one conversation with Mr Hot and Bothered, because, well, he was hot and bothered and you got confused and stumbled in your heels and went down like San Francisco in the great earthquake when he looked at you?

First, as Don Miguel Ruiz says (yes, I know I’m into his work a lot recently, but it always clears my mind): what’s the justice of you punishing yourself over and over again for the same thing? If you commit a crime you’re punished once. End of story. Better yet: you do something to balance out your actions. No, maybe you can’t give someone back the leg you broke in a fight, but you can work to help others learn to control their anger so they won’t break someone’s bones.

I always believe forgiveness is given the moment someone truly feels the impact of their actions and are willing to repent them instead of berating themselves, or numbing their pain with [insert poison of choice], or endlessly fucking themselves up because of their own self-loathing. Beause if they’re truly sorry for what they did, they use the event to turn their life around and become better people, not worse. That way, they can spend the rest of their life doing good instead of sitting moping about that one thing they fucked up. Because if they’re moping (see above: berating themselves, numbing the pain, or endlessly fucking up to keep feeling bad) it’s still all about them. It’s not truly about what they did to another person, but about how they feel about it. If it’s about the other person, they’d decide to service humanity instead of taking guilt trips.

Of course, it’s not that easy. Or maybe it’s easy once you have the answer, but as humans we react instinctively in ways that are completely idiotic. Such as holding onto the guilt instead of going out there and doing good. We feel we have to hold onto the guilt. Feel the need to punish ourselves. Feel we don’t deserve to be happy. While in fact, if we went out there and did some good, we’d help others and become happy ourselves. It’s simple. It just doesn’t seem that way when we’re guilt tripping.

Besides, we all fuck up. It’s part of being human. Unfortunately, we weren’t born with instruction manuals and some of us grew up in a way that taught us unsavory behavior. Once we realize how we’ve behaved we’re hit by guilt, but we weren’t in charge of our behavior. Not really. We never are until the day we become aware of our thinking habits and how they’re controlling our lives. And that’s a lifelong learning experience. So really, you should get over yourself because we all fuck up and depending on our backgrounds, we fuck up more or less. You don’t have to spend the rest of your life repenting your sins, but you’ll probably feel better when you start thinking about servicing others instead of thinking about yourself.

Secondly, if you’re punishing yourself on a daily basis, not because you fucked that one (or several) things up, but because you feel you need to be better (this is called perfectionism), you are wasting your time. If you want to be so goddamn perfect, then spend your time thinking lovely thoughts. They will lead to lovely actions. That will take you a lot closer to being perfect. (The writer of this blog post is making mental notes to remember her moments of insight.)

Punishing yourself may feel good, as you feel it’s a way to repent your mistakes, but it’s not. It’s a way to hold onto them. It’s a way of staying in a state of mind where you keep fucking up. It’s an excuse to fail. You’re actually being selfish. If you truly want to repent, go out there and sort your life out and do some good. The better a person you become, the better a place this world becomes. And that’s probably what the people you fucked over in the past would prefer, as opposed to you sitting reveling in guilt and shame, downing whiskey to numb your feelings, or fucking up your life to feel bad, meaning those around you get fucked up in the process.

What it truly comes down to is loving yourself. When you do, you act from that space. When you act from that space, you create good things in this world. When you create good things in this world, you earn forgiveness as you show you’ve changed. You show you’re willing to work for a better tomorrow, not just for yourself, but for others.

However, you’re speaking to someone who strives on challenges and discipline, while getting high on pain, so if you’re anything like me you may respond better to something like: get off your lazy fucking ass and do something for the world instead of moping about your own ineptitude or I’ll whip your ass three ways to Friday. (Or better yet if you’re speaking to me: “I don’t believe you can do it.” When you say those words, I’ll rise like a Phoenix from the ashes and flap about until I prove them wrong.)

But really, it all comes down to love, in the end. Using the punishment method, or the “I don’t believe you can do it method” is a lot less healthy, but it can be a starting point. Because the moment you get someone off their butt (or our of their guilt/shame/pity) they do something they feel worthy of being loved for. And that changes everything. Love should be there regardless, because we’re all just humans — we all fuck up. The best we can do is learn from our mistakes and become better people.

If you want to be punished, keep it to the bedroom. Or work out till you pass out from the pain. Or challenge yourself at work until you have all the adrenaline kicks and mental pain you need. It’s much better for all involved.

Recovering mental pain addict, over and out.

Want to change your patterns in life to become a more productive, happier and healthier person, thereby making the world a better place to be? Read my post Getting naked with Socrates…

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Thoughts over drinks: the laws of nature (or why sex cannot exist)…

Physics and, I guess in a way, chemistry and biology, with a basis in maths, make up for the laws of nature. Yet, philosophers have often laid the foundations for what later became so-called natural laws. The laws themselves, of course, existed long before they were discovered. Unless quantum physics is right and things appear as you imagine them to appear…but that’s not always so, as failed chemistry experiments can tell us.

Now, at the age of twelve or so, I picked up Sophie’s World (but didn’t finish it) and was disappointed. Not because of the plot (well, that too), but because some dude in ancient Greece had the same thoughts I had. Only he got there some centuries before me. And there I was thinking I was really clever.

Some fifteen years later I picked up Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements at an airport in Los Angeles and marveled at the fact that a thought I’d had so clearly, was in the foreword of the book. It made me wonder: is all knowledge readily available to us at all times? Is the truth, indeed, written in a grain of sand? Will contemplation bring you to the truth?

Today I read: “The Taoist sage has no ambitions, therefore he can never fail. He who never fails always succeeds. And he who always succeeds is all- powerful.” I had a similar thought. Sitting in a hot tub in Los Angeles, ca. ten years ago.

When I had that thought I was depressed. I came to LA to study producing because I couldn’t figure out how to launch my career as a director, or entrepreneur. I’d read all the self-help books I could find, I’d attended the courses, I’d…seemingly done it all. But I couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t figure success out. And I’d built my entire ego around my skills and talents. My desire to make it.

I believed, and still do, that people are self-made. But I wasn’t making it. Neither in my career, nor in my love life. I was a failure.

I didn’t understand how I could be happy if a) I couldn’t do what I loved (running projects and directing movies) b) reach my goals. Especially as I believed love was something you acquired based on your deeds and personality. I worked tirelessly to become lovable. This was more true than ever as my gran had gotten senile and the one source of unconditional love, the one person I felt didn’t need me to be something for me to be worth something, was gone.

Besides, how could I have children if I couldn’t tell them how to succeed? You have to raise kids to be able to deal with life. I sure as hell didn’t know how to deal with life.

That day, sitting on a beach in Malibu with friends, I felt nothing. I felt completely dead inside. That feeling that frightened me. Sometimes it lasted a day. Sometimes a few minutes. But it was harrowing. No will to live. No will to die. In fact, I feared death. And I had an overwhelming sensation of not knowing what was real and what was not, what life and death constituted and where the hell in the universe were we after all?

So in the evening, I sat in a hot tub, looking at the moon, crying and asking God, the Universe and whatever forces may be, what I should do? The answer came to me: nothing. I had to do nothing. Just sit and experience. It was my life. I couldn’t know it all. I could just experience it all.

My life shifted that day. The emptiness inside, the feeling that I had to achieve something to reach fulness, disappeared gradually. I learned self-love. Because love no longer equalled perfection.

I’ve told this story before. But it came back to me as I read that sentence about having no ambitions. I don’t think you shouldn’t have ambitions, or goals. I just believe you can’t be attached to them. You can’t put your self worth in them. Nor should you hold onto things that no longer serve you. Just because you wanted to become a soccer player at the age of five doesn’t mean you have to hold onto that dream at the age of sixteen, even though you’ve spent eleven years chasing a ball on a field. We change. Life changes.

I also believe that the truth is out there (together with Mulder and Scully) and that’s why different thinkers, or wisdom seekers, have come to the same conclusions. I’ve often thought about this: how the truth exists if we only open our eyes. That and my da Vinci theory: that all answers are found in nature. That we cannot invent what doesn’t already exist.

Just because we’ve experienced an aha moment doesn’t mean we don’t evolve from there. As we grow, things change. The Earth that was once flat becomes round. Some people don’t wish to grow. They’re too busy proving the Earth to be flat, so that they don’t need to feel their perceived shame at having believed something that wasn’t true, or done something they’ll now have to condone. Without ego, there is not that pain. Yet, I think we all feel it to some extent, because we all have an ego. A sense of misguided identity. I still want to prove I’m as smart as all those philosophers, who, for that matter, often had some major misgivings as well. Pythagoras may have had some great ideas, but he was scared of black fava beans?! I mean you gotta laugh at yourself, right. Your superstitions. As many brilliant spiritual insights as I may have had, I’ve made so many mistakes in life I’ve suffered a great deal.

Yes, we’re probably self-made — either because of co-incidence as life shaped you into a person who makes it, or by design as you designed yourself to become that person. But in designing yourself, you first have to undesign yourself. It’s the unmaking of who you are that allows you to become who you wish to be. And to come undone, you first need to learn it’s possible. To be without being.

And before I start talking about how nothing can come from nothing and how nothing can have existed forever (which is my greatest philosophical debate, which is both encouraging and discouraging) I shall bid you a temporary farewell. See you in this dimension or the next. Or you know, on some non-existent planet somewhere as we cannot exist. Nor can chocolate. Or sex. So you better indulge in it before it realizes it to be so.

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