Category Archives: confessions

Bruised bottoms…

There’s no fucking backup plan for falling in love. You fall. You stumble down some stairs, land flat on your ass and look up to someone who now appears as a giant before you. All other men, in comparison, ants. They lack the beautiful traits, the significant looks, and the commonalities the other man shares with you. They seem insignificant in comparison.

The thing is, you have to do it. You have to fall. You have to imagine that this man is better than all the rest, even if you know it’s an illusion. Because without that illusion, there are no butterflies. No tingles in your forearms. No longing so painful and so sweet a mere text messages makes you erupt in euphoria.

You want those feelings.

At the same time, of course, you need to be practical. This man, if any good, will end up your husband. He has to be able to express what he needs, while still thinking you’re some thinly veiled goddess. He has to be able to say the hard stuff and praise–generously–the good stuff. He needs to be able to build a reality with you where you are both happy. He will have to read the books you recommend about marriage, and go on a trip to Beijing even though he doesn’t want to. He has to get up at five on days you have a fever, to make sure you get breakfast in bed. And just like that, you have to do the same for him. You have to do things you’d never imagined just to learn to understand and aid this giant of a man. And that’s when it really helps to think he is a giant compared to other men. It helps to have butterflies in your belly. It helps to be seduced by his mind and body, heart and soul. It’s the fuel that will take you through.

But all of that can only last–the endorphin high–if the hard work is done.

And that’s why many people get off of the floor, dust their bottoms, and start climbing the stairs again. Because they aren’t willing to work. To learn. To compromise. Instead, the giant becomes a giant obstacle, hindering them on their path. Or the giant is uncompromising; unwilling to move.

Thankfully, for all of us, we’ve learned that falling and getting up isn’t too hard. Not when you’re on round twenty-five, or so. You’ve learned you can climb stairs, even in stilettos. You’ve learned you’re OK, even when you’re bruised.

And if nothing else, there’s coffee. Dark, divine, delicious coffee. Laden with just the right amount of honey to sweeten it and cream to tame the darkness. That coffee, served at an ungodly hour will kickstart you once more. Your internal engine humming.

There’s also tea. Drunk together with friends, who pat you on the back and give you another cookie. A sugar rush. Something to bring you back to the moment and forget your temporary insanity when you thought a mere man a giant.

Tea brings new adventures as souls set out on journeys together; discover new thoughts; decide to start up businesses; or go on spa weekends in the country. Tea is the glue that keeps souls together. And we all know when it’s time to put on the kettle and bake the scones.

Then, there’s wine and champagne when we are in need of a good giggle–bubbles bursting on our tongue and tickling our throat. Landing in our belly like butterflies. And as our mind ascends to a pink cloud, we look around and start seeing men. Maybe not giants, but men with potential at least. Men who wink at us and tell us we’re OK, even with our bruised bottoms. Men who’d be happy for us to fall for them–men who might even catch us as we stumble down the stairs on a giddy high. Men who would, potentially, consider doing the hard work. The push-ups that will give them the muscle that make us smile and lick our lips. The men willing to go the extra mile. If, of course, we do the same.

One day, you’ll meet a man who will remain a giant. Till that day, dust yourself up and brew some coffee–head to a friend for tea and go out for wine. Life. Feel it. Brewing inside of you until it bursts out in cascades of stars. Be a star. Glitter. Glimmer. Indulge in every moment. Drink the morning dew. Recognize it for the nectar that it is. Turn up the music and dance around the kitchen. Look out over the rooftops of Paris as many times as you need to get inspired. Run so fast you fall over and laugh uncontrollably with a runner’s high. Drive along the PCH till you feel freedom pump around your blood. Howl at a full moon. Set yourself free–scream with joy and jump in puddles–and discover the treasure right there at your doorstep. Especially if you’re in isolation–make sure that doorstep fucking shines.

At eight o’clock I call you

Waiting to hear your voice

Like a kid waiting for Santa 

Like a desperate woman pouring a glass of wine

Oh even if you don’t pick up

And I’m sent to voice mail

I get to hear that dark grumble

That always makes me stumble

Right into your arms

Where I escape the day’s harms

You’re no hero

No man in shining armor

A tad bruised 

A tad battered

Scarred enough to be a man 

Lost enough to be human

But with an inner compass

Looking for the light 

At eight o’clock I call you

Oh even if you don’t pick up

And I’m sent to voice mail

I get to hear that dark grumble

That always makes me stumble

Right into your arms

Where I escape the day’s harms

The truth is

I learned to walk long ago

Both in high heels and bare feet

Even with sneakers in obstacle courses

And even though I sometimes stumble 

I know that I’ll win the race

Celebrate another day ending

And the next’s beginning

And yet at eight o’clock I call you

Oh even if you don’t pick up

And I’m sent to voice mail

I get to hear that dark grumble

That always makes me stumble

Right into your arms

Where I escape the day’s harms

I can walk 

I can run 

I can pick myself up when I stumble 

I’m fine

I’m free

I’ll bleed and I’ll heal

I’ll laugh and I’ll move forward 

I’ll love and live and pirouette

Around the next corner

For yet another adventure

But at eight o’clock I call you

Oh even if you don’t pick up

And I’m sent to voice mail

I get to hear that dark grumble

That always makes me stumble

Right into your arms

Where I enjoy another 

Of life’s treasures

Yours truly,

Dizzy Blonde aka Maria Montgomery and yes, the copyright is all mine and all that.

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Filed under confessions, diary, Happiness, Insights, Inspiration, Inspirational, Love, Love-life, Motivation, Musings, Poem, poetry, Relationship, relationships

Let’s get excited!!!

When was the last time you went wild when seeing someone?

I get it. That sentence can be interpreted in more ways than one.

Let’s try again.

When was the last time you got excited when someone you know walked through the door? Someone you see on a daily basis?

I was looking out the window earlier and saw the dogs going wild as the neighbors returned. They’d been away for an hour, or two.

When I walk out my room, the little one gets excited. We’ve been isolating since COVID started and he sees me all the time. But I need time to work, so I’m locked up in my bedroom for most of the day. When I walk out, it’s hugs and kisses and happiness all round.

He also likes to knock on my door to ask if I’d like to come play horse, or go to the forest. I do. Sometimes. Right now, I’m about to finish this blog and head to the forest.

I remember being a kid and waiting for my dad to come home by the end of the day. Especially when I was sick, which was often. I’d get so happy when I heard his car arrive, or his voice in the hallway.

It was so good to see someone I cared about. Someone who would bring something to my day. He’d smell like fresh air and the outside world–adventure.

When we get older, as our partner, or friend whom we see often, walk in the door, we continue working, or cooking, or doing the laundry. How often do we stop what we are doing and run to see them, flinging ourselves into their arms?

With COVID, we might have come to appreciate human relationships more, but maybe it’s time to learn a thing, or two, from dogs and kids.

Our time on Earth is limited. At least in this incarnation. When you see someone you love, stop what you’re doing and fling yourself at them with all the enthusiasm of a puppy seeing their human.

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Sailing bravely into the unknown…

A problem many of us face is that we are sailing away from one harbor, instead of toward another harbor.

What’s the difference you ask?

One is propelling you forward with negativity and, possibly, sadness.

The other is propelling you forward with want, need, love, desire…

Whenever there’s progress, we leave something behind.

We say goodbye to one job to find another.

We say goodbye to one partner to find another.

We say goodbye to one place to find another.

We do that because we want to upgrade our life, or because we are forced to by circumstance. But even when we know we are leaving for something better, there are usually good things we will miss.

You know why people stay in bad relationships? Even abusive relationships?

Because part of it is good. And possibly they can’t imagine something better due to their previous life experiences/thoughts about self/others.

It’s the same reason they stay in a place, in a job, or even in a relationship with drugs. They can’t imagine something better. They don’t believe. They don’t have faith.

To grow you have to leave the harbor. But more than anything, you have to sail toward a new harbor. Toward something better. Because it’s possible. Even if it hurts.

Image Source: https://www.pinterest.se/pin/507780926739522107/

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Filed under confessions, diary, Inspiration, Inspirational, Motivation, Musings