Category Archives: empowerment

If I can’t have you, I’ll have chocolate instead…

Have you ever had chocolate instead of sex? Oh come on, who hasn’t?! Or are you a chocolate virgin? If so, congrats. You’re the first I’ve ever met… 

Yesterday, I talked about relieving tension when we feel something uncomfortable — the urge to replace the discomfort by something else and, in the process, doing more harm than good as we aren’t dealing with the discomfort. We are putting a bandaid on a wound that needs surgery. It temporarily feels better, but the wound is only getting worse. 

But we also usually seek to relieve tension when we desire something we don’t have. Be it sex, intimacy, love, intellectual stimulation, etc. These are natural urges. All good in their own right. But how we relieve the tension when those urges aren’t fulfilled, isn’t always great. For example, you’re bored at work (you desire intellectual stimulation), but as you can’t have it as you need to finish the darn Excel file (never let me touch an Excel file), you check your Facebook. Other times, we have sex with one person, when we desire to be with another. We may also eat ice cream instead of having sex, or go for a run. Anything to distract ourselves from that burning desire.

Sometimes it’s good to relieve tension. When you’re sexually frustrated, going for a run isn’t a bad idea. It will help you get fitter. It will release feel-good chemicals. You’ll get your high. Eating a ton of ice cream, on the other hand, may not be so helpful. A long run and then a piece of chocolate, or a little bit of ice cream, is a better idea. (That said: there are days when a whole pint of ice cream is totally justified, depending on the brand of ice cream. If you’re eating shit ice cream it just won’t work.)

In the beginning of this year I met a friend of mine for coffee. I was upset. I felt like crying. I was mourning an acquaintance who’d committed suicide. A man I never got to know properly, because when he reached out to me, I was too scared to get to know him, even though I felt drawn to him. You see, in my mind various scenarios played out and I settled for the worst case scenario. 

He could be someone I’d get to know and nothing. No connection. 

He could be someone I’d get to know who’d become a friend. 

He could also be my soulmate. 

And he could be depressed and end up committing suicide, whether we have a connection or not. So it’s probably best I don’t go near him. Don’t explore him. I’ve created enough drama in my life as is. 

The week he committed suicide, I was planning to reach out to him about something. He died before I got around to doing it. And once again those scenarios were flashing through my mind. I felt a sense of regret I’ve never felt before. I felt sure God was making some sort of joke. That it was all wrong. That I’d wake up the next day and he’d still be alive and I’d talk to him to find out. Find out if we had a connection, or not. 

When I met with my friend in the coffee shop, feeling like an emotional wreck, he didn’t react at all like I’d expected. Simply, because I’d never expected him to say he was jealous of me. He was jealous that I felt something so strongly, because it’d been years since he’d done that. 

The other night, when I came home, I felt pain. This time about someone else. I didn’t want to feel that pain. I thought about speaking with one of my neighbors. I thought about talking to a friend. I thought about reading a book. I thought about doing an array of different things to distract myself from the pain. 

Then, as I was sitting on the toilet, because as we all know, that’s the perfect place to sit, I thought to myself: I’m feeling. This is what it means to be alive. And in that moment, the pain dispersed, because I allowed myself to feel it instead of holding onto it while fighting it. 

By that I don’t mean to say that all the sadness went away. It didn’t. I was told I looked like a wreck the next day. Always charming. But I was still ecstatic about life. I knew other experiences would follow. Good and bad. I knew I was alive, because I was feeling something. 

Life is a journey of ups and downs. Good and bad. Happy and sad. If we numb the bad stuff, we also numb the good stuff. And if we numb the bad stuff, it doesn’t go away. It just gets stuck somewhere and we have to keep numbing it. Keep fighting for it to stay away from the forefront of our mind. But by fighting we hold onto it.

Relieving tension can be good. The day after I was sad, I went to see a friend. Took in some rays. Sat by the beach, getting hugs. It was nice. It took my mind in different directions. Getting stuck reveling in something isn’t good. Be it sexual frustration, or the pain of losing a loved one. You need to purposefully focus your mind on things that move your life forward. 

In short, if you feel a strong desire, or pain, watch out what you do to relieve that tension. If you want to create a great love life, for example, it’s better joining an online dating site than fucking your neighbor. Fucking the neighbor will bring instant satisfaction, but you’ll wake up without a great love life the next morning. Joining a dating site may feel like a mission and bring no instant rewards, but in the end, it’s likely to take you closer to your goal. 

Lastly, sometimes it’s good to do nothing. Hang with the tension. The obvious path forward will reveal itself if you are just willing to wait for it. Stay with what you’re feeling until you find the obvious thing to do that will propel you in the direction of your dreams. That’s to say: the direction that will fulfill your desires and remove your pains. 

In short, if you can, hang with the tension without for that matter reveling in it. If you need to relieve the tension, think of good ways of doing so — ways that take you closer to your goals. If you can’t come up with any, put on a pair of jogging shoes and run for your life or do P90X till you want to kill Tony. Scrap that, you always want to kill Tony. Do it till Tony is killing your body. Then bliss out on chocolate. Or pasta. Or both. (And FYI it’s been scientifically proven that the ups and downs of love addiction, i.e. the highs and lows you have in a relationship, can be counteracted by exercise and carbs. And if it works for love, it must work for other things too.)

Yours truly,

Dizzy Blonde

No running shoes, no problem…


Filed under addiction, Behavior, diary, emotions, empowerment, Happiness, Inspiration, Inspirational, Motivation, Musings, Thoughts

Reclaim your (sensual) power…

We’re all sensual creatures. Most of the time we forget. Because, well, sitting in the office, on the phone with GoDaddy asking them to please, for the love of some God up yonder, can they sort out your blooming hosting properly? But the truth is, we can sit saying that, with our suspenders on, our backs straight and a sensual smile on our lips. Even if we happen to be wearing a sack of potatoes (as the Swedish saying goes), we can ooze sensuality. It’s a state of mind.

Many times (too many times) we give up our power to circumstance. I happened to look up just now (which is now a week ago or so) and CNN is on (muted) and saw a headline about what Trump had said about Obama and Putin. There were then two guys expressing their opinions about the statement.

Trump says something and half the world erupts into a debate about it. People spend insane amounts of time debating the words and actions of politicians (not to mention: tweeting about it). But who lives next to them, or what they’re doing to save their own neighborhood remains, well, debatable.

We all have power to change the world. Not least, our own homes, neighborhoods and cities. But it’s easier to swear over Trump (or Obama if you prefer), than donating 8 hours a month to a charity that does good where you live, or deciding that it’s time to sort out your close relationships.

World news are great in that we can find out what’s going on. They can help prevent genocide and a number of other atrocities. And we do tend to find out what illegal thing Trump did next.

However, if there was a fire in China and you live in the US, you can either spend five minutes watching the news about the fire, or five minutes cheering up the elderly neighbor next door. Or, you know, plant some trees to make up for what the fire destroyed.

You can use a search engine that plants trees (Ecosia) and hand out free LED lights to those who can’t afford to buy them, instead of bitching about climate change.

People love doomsday theories and talking about how the world is going to go down because of politicians, but rarely do they start an awareness campaign in their own neighborhood about how to change things around. Right there. Right where they are. Right where they can actually do something.

The thing is, politicians and corporates have little power if everyone boycotts them. Yes, you may want to stay aware of what’s going on (and I’m at fault there — I have little time for anything but my own work and family), but spending hours every week watching the news isn’t going to help. Watch the fifteen minute sum-up (or enjoy the late night piss-take) and spend the other hours actually doing something other than expressing your anger on Twitter.

Just my two cents, but then I live in South Africa where, if people didn’t do something, we’d all be in the shit as the government here isn’t exactly efficient and poverty and violence abounds. Here, charity is a way of life.

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